On being tied in ‘Naka style’ by Naka-san

Photo by anonymous.

Have you ever been in the middle of something when you realised that it’s your dream coming true, only you didn’t even know you had such a dream? It happened to me. And it made me cry in ropes for the first time. 

The pandemic dust was settling slowly and more rope events were happening in Europe again, including visits by foreign teachers. One of them (considered by many to be the one) was Naka Akira-sensei whom Kinbaku Lounge in Copenhagen invited to give a workshop in October last year. On an evening before the workshop there was a ‘Semenawa kinbaku kenyukai’, modelling those that Naka-san organises in Japan. I decided to go even though I could not participate in the workshop (it was meant for people who have not learned from Naka-san before). In fact, seeing Naka-san tie Iroha-san and another model live seemed even more interesting than the workshop. I bought the ticket and waited impatiently for the day of the event.

To my surprise, a couple of weeks later I got a call from Namarie from Kinbaku Lounge asking me to be the other model at the event. At first, I could not believe it. “Me? A model of Naka-san?” He was one of my most important teachers and a Master completely out of reach. “Could this be true? Do I have anything to offer to him as a model?” It seemed that Namarie and Scott believed I did (and I will be forever grateful for it). I needed a day to sober up and to think about it but in the end I said “yes”. I don't think I could live with a peace of mind if I had given a different answer. Even though the thought of being tied by Naka-san in front of a crowd of strangers made me slightly nauseous. 

The day of the event was hectic. In the morning I flew from Berlin to Copenhagen (straight from another rope event, Eurix), picked up the keys to my weekend apartment, dropped the bags and rushed to the Kinbaku Lounge. And after a short city train ride, I stood eye to eye with living legends of kinbaku, Naka Akira sensei and Iroha-san (I know they don’t like to be called that but the truth is they are living legends). We exchanged pleasantries and were supposed to talk about the upcoming session but, I think, we both didn’t know where to start. There was so much to say and so little time that we both decided not to say much, stick to the basics, and see what would happen. He asked me if I was aware that his style of rope was erotic and how flexible I was. I said I was aware and alright with it and that I was relatively flexible. I showed him the dress I was planning to wear and he said he liked it because it had buttons going all the way down. He asked me if I would wear panties and I said yes, black ones. He said I could wear any colour I wanted. 

The moment he invited me on stage to kneel in front of him, I finally understood what was happening. I also realised that no matter how many pictures and videos of his rope I’ve seen and no matter that I did a workshop with him and Iroha-san and had seen them perform, he was a stranger to me. And there was no reason why I should submit to him. I didn’t know if I wanted to ‘be his’. And to me this is what happens when you let someone tie you. You belong to that person, even if for a short while. 

I was not sure how this session was going to go. The truth was that in the last months, or even years, I’d been going through a transformation and that transformation was not finished yet. If this session was happening a couple of months ago, I’d sit down in front of him, ready to give him everything right from the start. But not anymore. Yes, I was going to do what was necessary to make it worthwhile for the people who bought the tickets because I was a professional in some way, but would I give him all I had? That was undecided.

The first rope of the TK was uncertain, searching. I was sweaty and uncomfortable and the swarm of thoughts in my head was not helping. ”Am I behaving the way he thought I would? Will I be able to survive what he’ll tie? What am I doing here? Am I going to deliver an experience that Namarie and Scott were hoping for?” I think that Naka-san felt this uncertainty too. We were both a bit shy, insecure. The question “Is the other going to like what I have to offer?” was going through both our heads, it seemed. And we didn’t know the answers yet. One thing was sure, though, I liked him being close to me. I didn’t feel uncomfortable when he sat right behind me and extended his ropes around me, almost like an embrace. It felt good.

He tied the first rope, broke my seiza and displayed me to the audience talking about how for him each rope was a finished image. Each rope mattered. I was not sure what I was supposed to do at that time so I decided to just be there and react to what was happening with as much honesty as I could muster. In fact, it was the least and the only thing I could do. 

Photo by anonymous.

From then on my memories get a bit blurry. There was a second rope of a TK and being displayed again. There was a slow unbuttoning of my dress and Naka-san saying he enjoyed it because there were so many buttons. He did not want to reach his goal as soon as possible. He savoured the process, peeling my layers off slowly. The unbuttoning made me feel wanted which made me feel shy which made me turn my head away as I often do. Was it real shame or was I flirting with him? I still don’t know until today. The mysteries of my unconscious are mysteries to me as well. 

Then there was a moment, still on the floor but after an upline already supported me from above, when he opened my legs and started tying a harness around my thighs and hips, the one in which you put the rope very high around the thighs, almost in the groin, and which was always painful to me because the insides of my legs are hyper-sensitive. I remember thinking that it was going to be difficult if he was going to use it in a suspension, even though he probably thought it would make things easier because it provided additional support. But I didn't say anything. I was there to experience what was there to experience and the only shadow of influence I allowed myself was to express how I was affected by it. But whether he would be able to read and respond to it, we could not know yet.

But then he attached the hip rope to the TK in such a way that I arched my back and sat up straight and that was the first surprise. I was trying to hide by arching my back and hanging into the TK and he made me display myself. I didn’t expect that. I felt exposed but also seen. I felt toyed with and I liked it. Up until now, the session was rather objectifying but this was the first time I felt that it was not about objectification at all. Naka-san was trying to get to know me. And it seemed like he was starting to get at something. 

Things continue to be blurry from that moment on. There was a futomomo and at some point I was up in the air. There was also a third rope on my chest. And another futomomo. And a lot of rope around my wrists which was biting into my lower arm and reminding me that what we were doing was dangerous. I was 60% certain I wouldn’t get injured so I went with it because I didn’t want his torture to stop. There was a moment when I was hanging upside down from two futomomos and a waistline with my legs spread open and I felt like I was about to be sacrificed or like I was being punished for something horrible I’d done, my breasts revealed bare, my image must have been a mixture of erotic and miserable, one enhanced by the other. 

Photo by anonymous.

As I was hanging there, I thought it was about to be over. I thought that it was the final dramatic position and I was about to go down and get that sweet feeling of “it’s all over now” and “you are ok now” and to bask in the memories of what I went through. Only it wasn’t. In fact, what happened at that moment felt more like a beginning. And that was a second surprise. I can’t tell why but I think that it was only then when Naka-san started to tie me for real. I don’t know if it was because I became completely open and bare or because he got out of his patterns and his creativity began to really flow. 

All I know is that when he pulled my TK up and when I ended up in something like a gyaku-ebi (only it was not a gyaku-ebi because the rope around my lower back was preventing me from bending so I was basically just spread open in all directions), something left me and something entered me. And when he lay down under me to have a look at what he did, I couldn’t help the tears falling. I still don’t know why. I never cry in ropes but with this man I did. And it’s not because he was the meanest or the most ruthless of them all. There was not one thing he did to me that somewhere deep inside of me I didn’t want. And it was so vulnerable to know that he knows. 

I’m not trying to make this experience spiritual. Let’s face it, I was exposed and erotically tortured in front of a crowd of people by a perverted older man. And I liked it. It was not about god but about sex. But it was exactly the realisation that this perverted sexual experience was what I wanted and he could see it that made me feel so vulnerable. There was no escape from it because there I was, hanging exposed, with one of my arms losing feeling and yet I didn’t say stop. I didn’t say I wanted out. I let him go on, past anything I’d thought was reasonable, because this was exactly who I was. And he was in it with me.

In the past I wrote about Japanese rope being objectifying and I must say I might have been wrong. Yes, what Naka-san did to me was objectifying but only if I imagined how it must have looked from the outside. Apart from the first part of the scene when he was tying me and talking to the audience I did not feel objectified. Yes, he was exposing and enjoying my body but, somehow, the entire time I felt we were in this together. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t human to him. On the contrary, my humanity seemed to be the most interesting part of me to him. 

A friend of mine who saw this session said that it was like watching our first couple of dates unfold fast-forward right in front of their eyes. And I believe it. It certainly felt like we got to know each other even though we barely talked. I guess the way you get to know someone when they put you through misery which they know you crave creates an understanding that is deeper than words. 

One thing we know for sure after that evening. We are both perverts. And we are not afraid to show it.

When the time comes I want to be empty for You so that You can fill me in

I’ve been recently shedding off more and more of my expectations and (what I think are) my needs, in rope, in BDSM and in life in general. I began to realize that they are clouding my experience of what is right in front of me. Instead of living my life in the shape that it is having at this moment, and learning from it, I dream almost constantly about the things that might happen or about the things that I miss. The fact is, though, that no need or desire fulfilled in my dreams is better than the most mundane reality. Because nothing beats direct experience.

When you are having an intense D/s encounter with someone, it is easy to be in the moment. It is easy to forget yourself in the midst of the sensual flood that is descending upon you. It is easy to enjoy what is happening. To open up and be vulnerable. In such a case, it is easy to let go. To allow yourself to feel and to be. To experience all there is to experience. To reach the depths of your existence.

It is also easy to get used to these highs. To begin to crave and seek them. To begin to feel as if you can not live without them. And even to begin to seek the experience more than the person you are doing it with. To feel so much in need for that depth or intensity that you will jump on anyone who is willing to provide you with even a glimpse of it.

It used to be the case with me and rope. I used to feel as if I needed to do rope. I would nag my riggers to tie me because I felt that I just needed to feel the rope around my body. That I will die if I don’t get it. It didn’t matter so much what they would tie on me. It almost didn’t matter who was tying me. The only thing that mattered was the rope. Around my body. And if it was mixed with a hint of a D/s power exchange, I was in heaven.

But recently, I’ve decided that it is not the way that I want to approach my practice. I do not want to use my riggers as disposers of sensations. I do not want to put pressure on people to provide space for me to get rid of the tensions that are within me. I do not want to treat my partners as simply means to get my needs met. I do not want my well-being to be dependent on whether or not I find a person to satisfy me on short notice. And I do not want my decisions of whether or not to give my freedom and soul to someone else to toy with to be dictated by the fact that I haven’t done it in the last couple of days.

I want to get tied by people when I feel like I want to get tied by them. I want my ‘Yes’ to be a ‘yes’ to this person at this moment in time, not an ever sounding ‘yes’ to anything that is slightly resembling what I am desperately craving for.

For that, I had to dissect what rope provides me with and find other ways in which I can provide it to myself. Not so that I don’t want to do rope anymore, but rather so that when I decide to taste someone (again), it is not because I am dying of hunger and I would eat anything that is put in front of me but because they look delicious and I really really am curious to see how they taste in a combination with my own flavour. And I am satiated enough to be able to savour the experience instead of devouring it all in one go.

I believe that I managed to do that. I have found out the things that being in ropes was providing me with. Some of them I didn’t like at all and decided to try to get rid of the need for them all together. For others, I have found ways to give it to myself without the use of rope.

I found ways to allow myself to open up and be vulnerable without having my body be bound by rope. I found ways to surrender in my daily life. I can provide a physical challenge to my body, make myself feel every little muscle in it without the help of bondage. Finally, I can be in the moment, experience all there is to experience, without having someone else to push me into it.

That doesn’t mean that I do not want to be in ropes anymore. It doesn’t mean that I am not looking forward to having my freedom taken away from me by someone else again.

It means that now when I get to feel Your rope tightening around my body again, when I get to feel Your presence taking away all my power, I will be empty and unbarred, ready to take You in. I will be there for You whole, the empty cup of my perception ready to be filled with the emotions that Your touch on my skin (or the lack of it) evokes. I will be ready to receive You and dance with You as we are, without expectations, without need, without preconceived images of what this encounter should be. I will be ready to take what You give directly, without trying to mould it into the shape that I want it to be.

Because when the time comes and we will get to dance this dance of power and weakness, of beauty and ugliness, of love and hatred, of life and death together, when we get to explore the most delightful distance and the most unbearable closeness, when our bodies and our minds get to meet, I need to be there whole and pure to truly meet You. I need to be there certain that this is exactly where I want to be, and You are exactly the person who I want to be with. I need that certainty in order to feel ready to jump over the cliff of my understanding, into the unknown.

And then I want to be empty. So that You can fill me in.

Rope as a tool for opening up one’s heart

Lately, I haven't been tied that much. For a number of reasons.

Not that much means once every two weeks when it used to be twice every week. That means a fourfold decrease in frequency. A couple of months ago, it would be devastating to me. Right now, it's interesting.
It's interesting because it allows me to observe my reactions to these new circumstances and learn more about myself and my relation to rope bondage. As it turns out, the opportunities to learn and deepen your practice are abundant if your mind is open to it.

It started in ropes

Recently, after two weeks without being tied, I finally had a date with one of my regular riggers. I was looking forward to it not only because I was rope-deprived but also because I really like to get tied by him. What I like the most about our tying are the dynamics of objectification that we usually end up in. I also like his sense of aesthetics in rope. I like to be a part of his creations.

Usually, when he ties me, I get into a victim mindset very quickly, where I feel like a poor objectified girl used by him to create what he envisioned, her responses to his actions completely ignored. But this time, I didn't become a victim when he started to bind me. This time, being in his ropes made me feel secure and familiar.

The moment the first rope of the gote started to take away my freedom, strange warmth descended upon me, I felt safe and understood as if coming back home.

Why this change?

It felt unusual for me to feel that good in bondage because I'm used to treating rope as a tool of abuse, a tool for other people to violate me with, to take away my freedom. But this time it was nothing like that. This time it was giving me back my freedom.

I think that the reasons why it was different now are the fact that I haven’t been tied for a while and my growing experience. I don't think that it was my partner who was doing something out of the ordinary, but rather that my attitude has changed.

The scarcity of rope in my life combined with my familiarity with it made me refocus and go deeper right from the start of our scene. Doing that, I discovered freedom, openness and vulnerability waiting for me right there. They didn't have to be forced out of me the way it usually happens. They were right on the surface, ready to be tapped into.

Only retrospectively I realized what had happened that night, though. And only because another, even more curious thing took place the evening after.

It continued outside of ropes

Every evening, I perform a somatic practice devised by Michaela Boehm called Moving what you're feeling. It's a very simple practice in which each day you put on the same song, close your eyes and start to move, allowing your feelings and emotions to guide the movements of your body. I do it as a form of checking up with myself as well as a way to sensitize myself and for emotional release. One song is the minimum length of the practice, but when you feel like it, you can go on longer, exploring broader and deeper what's within.

That evening, I went longer and deeper. I was moving for a couple of minutes, shifting between an upward powerful posture and a lower more submissive one when at some point my wrists crossed themselves behind my back. It happened without much thinking and led to a revelation.

The moment I felt as if my hands were tied behind my back, blissful fuzziness entered my body. It felt like the shield around my heart started melting and I became totally open and receptive. Then my hands have woven themselves into a high hands TK position, and the feeling of openness became even stronger. It felt almost as if the entire front of my chest disappeared and my feelings were spilling out of me untamed.

At the same time, I felt calm and good. The usual violence that accompanies my opening up was not there. I was willing and eager, light in my chest and connected. It felt so good that I ended up kneeling with my hands in a TK position swaying in the middle of the room for quite a while. The openness and safe vulnerability that I felt were so amazing that I didn't want it to stop.

Can rope really be a tool in achieving heart openness?

I believe that what happened to me that night was so intense because I was alone. I allowed myself to be so open because there was nobody to be afraid of, nobody to hurt me in that vulnerable state. At the same time, the position that brought me to that place was the position that I am often in when in ropes.

Therefore, I see the potential for rope to put me in that space of openness and vulnerability. More so, I expect that rope actually does bring me there, that's why getting into a gote-like position evoked such intense reaction. Only usually, this openness is preceeded with a struggle and a fight. But as it turns out, it doesn't have to be so.

I think that because being tied up leaves one so hopeless and powerless, it makes it easier to let go, to stop fighting because you can’t win this fight anyway. It makes one feel so helpless that one begins to feel safe in that position. Like a newly born child, so vulnerable and weak, but at the same time so open. It allows one to shed all the barriers because there is no reason not to. So much power has been taken away from you already that the small step of giving up, even more, is as easy as ever.

Let's not get too spiritual

It’s not like from now on, I want to always end up in the position that I've just described when in ropes. I like my scenes to be different depending on the mood that I am in, the partner that I am interacting with and the circumstances. I don't necessarily want my rope scenes to be moments of deep emotional release. Sometimes, I want sexy abuse. Sometimes, I want to create something beautiful. And sometimes, I just want to get into the physicality of it without the mental aspect altogether.

I don't see rope as a spiritual activity. I want my tying to be hot and beautiful and intense, but not necessarily spiritual. That's not very sexy. At the same time, I do see rope as something very intimate. And there might be a space for the heart opening in that intimacy.

One has to remember, however, that it's not always appropriate to go that deep, both with regard to your partner as well as the circumstances. Reaching these levels of openness and vulnerability at a rope jam with a person who you usually tie with casually would be like getting naked during a date in a coffee shop. Sure, maybe you felt free and unrestrained at this moment and you just wanted to get rid of all the clothing that was unnecessarily shielding you. But maybe the other clients of the place didn’t want to witness that. Maybe your partner just wanted to have a coffee with you. And maybe, after thinking twice, you didn't want all these people around you to see you naked either. You just wanted to be free. There are often moments, though, when it's better to stay restrained.

Still, I find this newly discovered potential of rope to open up my heart truly fascinating. And the depth that seems to be reachable through its means extraordinary. I can see all the reasons why it is possible. I can see how the restraint paradoxically makes it easier to let your guard down. You've been captured, you've lost, there is no reason to fight anymore, no reason to try to keep up appearances. Just let go and allow yourself to open up. You are being vulnerable already.

And even though I don't think that I'll look for such depth in ropes often, the sheer possibility of getting there is thrilling. The emotional catharsis that I suspected to be possible through rope now proved to be reachable. I just need to allow myself to go there when the opportunity arises. And I think that I will, now that I know how it feels.

To me, rope is about eroticism

Disclaimer: This writing is an attempt at explaining part of what being in ropes is to me and what I get out of it. Because I am so passionate about it, I might at times sound like I think that this is the only way to do it or at least the best way. It is the best way for me, but I definitely don’t feel entitled in any way to tell other people what they should do in their bondage. What I will try to explain is why my practice of rope might not match with the practice of other people, why it might be difficult or even impossible to fit all rope practitioners into one community and why trying to do so creates friction that I think we are observing today. If you feel offended or attacked by me speaking my truth, I apologize. It is not my intention to offend anyone.

How ropes are erotic to me

I feel like I've been circling around this topic a lot, but I've never directly expressed it. So here I say it, to me rope bondage is an erotic activity. It can be more or less sexual depending on the circumstances but an element of eroticism is always there. 

I do find being bound by ropes erotic to the degree that I used to warn riggers who would tie me for the first time that I will most probably get sexually aroused during our session. I stopped doing that at some point because, somehow, I started assuming that before people approach me, they have already seen me being tied and have figured it out for themselves. But, to be honest, I think that I should continue to warn people about it because it is not a given (especially in the current circumstances). 

The eroticism of being in ropes is not something that I would admit easily, though. I am not proudly sexual in ropes. Rather, I usually feel like my arousal is torn out of me. Because the things that turn me on are not natural. And the fact that I am turned on by them does not make me feel proud.

Sometimes, I feel like I would rather not show this side of me at all, but in ropes, I can’t help it. Because being helpless and abused is sexy to me. I get aroused when I feel that I am at the mercy of the person who has tied me up. And the more things they do to me that I don't want, the more arousing I find it. I get excited when being degraded and humiliated. Being used and treated badly is what I find hot. At the same time, it makes me ashamed that by my reactions I might be giving evidence to how twisted I am. I find it disturbing that someone might discover my perverted sexuality. And, at the same time, it arouses me even more.

Many of these things are specific to me, though. Not everyone sees eroticism in ropes this way, and I also don’t tap into these states with just anybody.

There is also, in my opinion, a more fundamentally erotic side to ropes, which is in big part tied to the D/s or SM nature of it, as well as the visceral experience of being touched. 

I think that power imbalance in its essence is erotic. Being led is usually a charged experience. I can imagine that having power over someone is arousing and I can certainly say that someone else having power over me, is. Power imbalance creates erotic friction and what creates more imbalance than being bound and restricted by someone who can now control your body and through that possibly your mind? 

And then there is touch, which is an inevitable part of a rope bondage scene. The touch does not only come from the person who is tying you, but also from the rope itself. To me, the feeling of rope pressing on my skin is extremely sensual. I also find the pain that rope can cause erotically pleasurable. I am definitely a masochist, but I don’t necessarily enjoy the pain of impact play. The pain coming from rope bondage, on the other hand, is extremely enjoyable and often arousing to me. It is because of the closeness of rope to my flesh and the continuous embrace that it provides when applied on my body.

It is like a painful hug. It provides so much sensory and emotional input that it becomes a mixture of pain and pleasure, difficult to separate one from the other, and in its mixture, intoxicating.

How I find the eroticism of rope bondage its inevitable part

In my opinion, rope bondage is at its core an erotic activity. And although one can perform it in a non-erotic way, it requires an effort and a conscious decision to not go that route.

In hojojutsu, which is often considered one of the origins of Japanese rope bondage, as we know it today, being bound was an abuse carried out as an act of violence either to take away someone’s freedom or to torture them. Subsequently, the power imbalance and torture in the act of bondage was recognized to have a potential of being erotic by the SM practitioners and it started to be practised as an intimate act where one person binds the other, taking away their freedom, causing them pain or discomfort in a sensual way, and using their helplessness to perform erotic activities. 

Of course, the fact that in the past rope was used for the purposes mentioned by me above does not mean that it cannot be used for any other purpose. Nowadays there are people who practise rope bondage using tools and techniques coming from the erotic rope bondage but without the eroticism. I observe a similar phenomenon in tango. In its nature, it is a very sensual dance. It evokes intense emotions which are experienced intimately between you and your partner. You hug each other closely and one person (the follower) is in the power of the other (leader) in the sense that the leader dictates the actions of the follower. 

There are people, however, who do not dance in a sensual way and enjoy their dance that way. Looking at them you might still say that they dance the tango, as in, they use the same or similar patterns and they dance to tango music. They use the tools of tango, but they strip away its sensuality and potential eroticism. My question is, is it still tango or has it become something else?

The fact that you can take the sensual part out of this dance and still get something tango-like does not mean that tango does perfectly well without it. The fact that it seems like it is possible to practice tango without sensuality does not mean that it is not a necessary ingredient to really make it work.

Because when I see a tango dance like that, I feel like something is missing there. There is no ‘fire’ between the partners, the essence of the dance is gone.

Of course, that's my view as the sensuality of this dance is what draws me to it. I rarely enjoy my dances without it, but I don’t mind other couples dancing their way. I think that it is perfectly fine for them to dance the way they enjoy it. I do think, however, that it becomes problematic when people with different definitions of the dance meet together in one couple. Or when people start to demand from you to take that element out of your practice, because if they can do without it, it must not be its essential part. When people start to define the activity in a different way, but still call it with the same name. When the activity that used to be erotic and sadomasochistic by definition becomes many different things for different people and before you engage in it, you need to spend hours explaining to each other what your understanding of the activity is. 

I feel like rope bondage became so open and broad nowadays that that is what happened. Everybody has their own definition of what rope is for them. Everybody does it their own way but we are all part of the same community. It seems inclusive and open, but what it often ends up being for me is blurry and frustrating. 

How I see a rope community that I would feel a part of

To me, the advantage of being a part of a rope community would be to be among like-minded people where I don’t have to hide and pretend anymore. That we all ‘get it’ and I don’t need to censor myself when participating in rope events. But I don’t really feel that way.

Because when rope community is not anymore contrived only of a small group of perverts and SM and D/s enthusiasts, but artists, contortionists, yogis and all kinds of other people who do rope for their own reasons, the ones who belong to that small group of perverts will end up being too extreme to the others. They will end up having to, again, water down their needs and likes if they want to belong. They will have to hide and play themselves down the same way as they had to do in the wider society. 

You could say that it is fine. That they can leave their pervy erotic bondage to their bedrooms and private encounters and enjoy a more publicly acceptable practice when they are among fellow rope people. I, however, do not entirely agree. 

To me, a big part of the enjoyment of being bound is in being observed in that situation. One thing is being observed by the person who is tying you, which is an element of every rope session. Another is to be observed by perverted onlookers to whom you gave no direct consent for it. I find being in such situation extremely erotic and my impression is that in the old Japan (and maybe new as well, since rope there is still much more underground and perverted) it was often the experience of the model who would get tied in public.

The thrill was not only in her interaction with the rigger but also in having an audience who would watch the spectacle of her submission and torment. For whom she would play out their dark fantasies. And whose presence would allow her to play out her’s.

I can imagine that for a model it is an extremely intense and arousing experience. An experience that I dream of having. And although I’ve been tied in public many times, I have never felt like that. There have always been witnesses to my scenes that I felt like I was making uncomfortable or even shocked (in a non-positive way) by what was happening between me and my rigger. That they did not really understand what is being done to me and treated me like a poor victim or a circus attraction. 

Of course, that situation could provide me with another thrill. The thrill of being the centre of unwanted attention, the humiliation of being a weirdo. And as much as I can enjoy it at times, it is not what I am ultimately looking for. At least not each time when I’m being watched in ropes. 

How having people calling different things with the same name leads to trouble

I think that because the terms Shibari and kinbaku became so popular nowadays and because so many people are curious about it and so many people want to try it, we are losing the essence of what they really are (especially kinbaku as it is usually understood). We want to get accepted with our kinks and in order to get accepted, we try to make them more acceptable. We organize workshops on Shibari and kinbaku and not for a second mention the eroticism in them. We focus on patterns and techniques and forget about the spirit. 

And sure, we could say that the workshops are for practice and learning and later you can apply the techniques privately in an erotic way if you want to. But can you really learn kinbaku ties properly without having a kinbaku mindset while you tie them (or are tied in them)? Can you first learn the clean technique and only later season it with the eroticism? Will it be the same dish as the one that you would season right from the start? 

Should rope workshops be only about practising patterns and (maybe) talking about the philosophy? Don’t get me wrong, I do think that these things are important, but could we go back to perving a bit more and hiding a bit less? To using rope bondage for what it was made for and not trying to find new cleaner ways to practice it? Or at least give the people who do want to practice it this way some space and not call them snobs or elitists for not wanting to tie with anyone who asks or for refusing to tie at certain events? Some forms of bondage are for everybody, some aren’t. And I do think that it is important to get that clarification if we want to prevent accidents from happening and if we want to keep the community (or communities) healthy. 

The way I do rope is dark, erotic and sadomasochistic. I want to practice it on my own terms and I wish to find a community where this way is not only accepted, but also understood and encouraged. Where we can share our darkness and not hide behind another mask the same way as society demands us to do. 

It might mean that we need to go deeper into the underground, it might mean that we have to partly separate ourselves from the wider rope community. But if it also means that I might feel among (a subset of) rope people like I truly belong. That they will enjoy seeing my torment without feeling sorry for me. That they will not see me as a victim of abuse or a tourist attraction, but a conscious pervert acting out her fantasies and will be able to truly appreciate the beauty and the depth of my suffering, then maybe it is time to start calling the things that we do for what they are and stop putting everything into one basket? Without assigning value to any of them but simply acknowledging the differences and letting them flourish? 

On handling rejection in rope

Photo by Dark Path.

Disclaimer: This post is oozing positivity at times and to people who know me personally might sound a bit surprising. It is not dishonest on my side. The attitudes that I describe here are the ones that I cultivate in myself and I try to live by these rules. Being as critical as I am, it works better at some points than others. I do believe in what I say here, though, even if it is not always how I feel about things. Feelings can be irrational and uncontrollable at times, values are constant and much easier to control. The latter is what I focus on in this post. 
Disclaimer 2: I'm a rope bottom and I write from the position of being tied, but most of the things that I talk about here apply equally to both roles.

Some time ago Riccardo Wildties shared a very honest and important video on the right of tops to say ‘no’. I was very happy that someone has gotten to this topic and has done it so eloquently. I think that it is a very important reminder to all of us. We all should have the right to say ‘no’ when it comes to rope, with no strings attached and no hard feelings.

Listening to him was like a déjà vu from my time in the tango community. I don’t have a lot of experience with rejection in rope as I am not in the community for that long and I've been very fortunate to tie with amazing riggers right from the start and don’t often look for new partners. But I do have a lot of experience with rejection in tango because the specifics of this dance and the social norms surrounding it are basically built around the notion of rejection. I think that my experience from tango can be really well translated into rope reality and can be helpful to some people. It certainly has been for me as I think that it is one of the reasons why I can quite often avoid rejection altogether and I handle it pretty well if it happens. 

Before you ask

First, I want to share some thoughts that help me minimize the risk of having to deal with rejection in the first place. They are mostly strategies and mindsets that I’ve learned over the years that helped me avoid rejection and be successful in my advances, but at the same time also prepare the ground for when it eventually happens.

Try to get a feeling about the interest of the other person

I tend to be rather reluctant to ask people to tie me. I take quite a lot of time before I make up my mind whether I want to ask someone or not. Part of it is my rather sensitive and cautious nature. I want to avoid the pain of being rejected as much as possible so I only ask once I'm almost absolutely sure that they will say ‘yes’. This approach is very personal and I don't necessarily recommend it. However, another reason why I take my time is that I learned to be patient and to give myself as well as the other person time to figure out what we want.

In tango, there is a notion of a 'cabeceo', which is a non-verbal invitation to dance based upon a prolonged eye-contact followed by a nod from both parties indicating the willingness to dance. It's created in order to avoid painful verbal rejection. It has its advantages and disadvantages, but what it certainly taught me is the skill of observing others and getting a feeling for whether they might be interested in me or not. It has also taught me how to show interest from a distance without being too explicit about it. In tango the actual ‘cabeceo’ is the final step and having your nod unreturned can also hurt, so you only try it once you are rather certain that it will be returned. Therefore, you try to figure out as much as possible beforehand if the person might be truly interested in dancing with you or not. If you’ve learned that, you minimise the risk of your ‘cabeceo’ being rejected.

Be patient

In tango, the assessment of whether someone might be interested in dancing with you or not usually happens in the course of one evening or one weekend. In rope, however, it might stretch over months or even years. That is because there are much fewer opportunities to tie with someone in (a) rope event(s) than there are in a tango event, but also because a rope session is way more intimate than sharing a tanda for most of the people. 

Being in someone’s ropes or tying someone is an intimate thing. Therefore, before I decide whether I want to be tied by someone, I usually take my time. It can sometimes be difficult because, especially at rope festivals, you often have a feeling of urgency and that everyone is experiencing more than you do, so you have to catch up and get tied by more people. I resist this urge strongly because I know that it leads to, at best empty scenes, and at worst bad experiences.

Rope world is not that big and sooner or later you will meet that person again. Take your time to get to know them before you decide to tie with them. Talk to them, get to know what kind of person they are before you let them take control over you. It doesn’t only make for safer scenes, but also more rewarding and natural ones since by getting to know each other through a conversation, you can learn about each other's preferences in an organic way. In this way, you minimize the need for extensive negotiations, which (at least for me) often kill the mood and limit the scene. You have all the time to get tied by them, so don’t rush into anything. 

Trust your intuition

I can usually sense whether someone is interested in me or not and I believe that most people can as it seems like an evolutionarily very useful skill to have. Our intuition is often silenced by our mind, though, and we should learn to listen to it more.

When it comes to someone being attracted to you (which is necessary, in some way, if they should want to tie you, it doesn’t need to be sexual attraction, though), they will usually look at you a bit longer than necessary, they will look for opportunities to talk to you, they will smile at you when you look at them. All these things are small and not very noticeable, but our brains register them. I often have this unexplainable feeling about whether that person might want to tie me or not without them saying anything. And I usually trust it. Not to the point of asking right away, but when I sense interest and it is mutual, I start to focus my attention on gathering more data in a more directed way. I test whether my intuition was right and only when I am pretty certain, I ask. 

On the other hand, when I sense a lack of interest or when I am uncertain, I do not ask. I wait and try to get more contact with that person to see if my feelings were correct or whether it was just a matter of not knowing me enough. I also try to remember the signs that led to a successful encounter to learn how to better recognise an interest in the future and to be able to trust my intuition even more.

Don’t ask for the wrong reasons

At the beginning of my tango career, I used to get quite frustrated when I would feel that someone that I wanted to dance with would not notice me. I would come to an event and want to dance with all the best and most popular leaders but they would not look at me. It was making me angry and frustrated until I realised that them not noticing me means that they are not interested in me, and even if we would dance together, the dance would not be good because they would not be into it. So instead of trying to force a leader into dancing with me, I began working on making them interested in me in the long run. And not only making them interested in me but also making sure that I actually want to dance with them and I am not just blindly following the opinion of the rest of the tango crowd.

I think that in rope it is even more important. Sure, it is great to tie with the best and most famous riggers, but do you really want to get tied by them or do you want the experience of one of the people who got to be tied by them? Do you know them well enough to tell? Do you know what kind of people they are or are your reasons simply that they are good at what they do? 

Asking someone to tie you just because they are well known rarely leads to a good experience. From the rigger’s side, they can sense whether you are genuinely interested in them or simply want the experience. I can imagine that the latter often leads to a rejection straight away. It’s impolite and painful for the rigger to be used like that. And even if they don’t reject you, are you sure that you want to give control over your body and mind to someone just because you’ve seen that they can do really cool suspensions? Don’t you want to make sure that they actually are worth giving yourself to them before you allow them to bind you? 

Don’t go above your league

In the tango world, there is a breed of followers who would always hang around the table of ‘masteros’ for the entire duration of the festival, wearing their best dresses and hoping that they will get asked to dance by one of them. And they often succeed, especially when they are young and pretty. I’ve never had the ambition to dance with the teachers because I’ve never felt good enough in my dancing to be able to offer them an enjoyable experience. If they would ask me because I would make such effort as those girls, I would probably have felt like they are doing it out of pity and not because they truly value my dancing skills. And I didn’t want that. Of course, I would love to dance with my favourite maestro, but only if I would be sure that I have something to offer to them. That they truly want to dance with me and that I can offer them valuable experience. To me, the same holds for rope. 

In rope, the matter of bottoming technique is not so prominent as tango technique. You do not need to have amazing ‘bottoming skills’ to have a great scene with someone. But it is important to ask yourself if you are not wanting to be tied for the wrong reasons. Therefore, I always try to ask myself, do I really want to offer myself to that person? Looking at the way they tie, do I think that I can offer them an interesting experience? Am I willing to open myself enough to that person for us to live through something meaningful? I think that it is important to answer these questions to yourself honestly before you ask someone to tie you and I only ask if I feel like I do have something meaningful and authentic to offer to the rigger. 

Don’t rely on others for validation

One of the cases when being rejected is very painful is when you treat your interactions with other people as ways to validate yourself. It is a trap that many people fall into. They don’t value themselves enough internally, but they look for validation externally. They reason that if a certain person agrees to tie them/being tied by them it will be proof that they are of some value.

It is a short-lived strategy that leads to pain in the long term. It feeds on your insecurities instead of helping you to get over them, which does not only hinders you but also makes you less attractive. By having that attitude you become needy and self-centred, assessing people on the basis on how much increase in the feeling of self-worth they can bring you instead of what kind of interesting encounter you could have with them. This kind of attitude is objectifying and drives the confident and secure people away. They will not want your meeting in ropes to be a transaction of exchanging momentary increase of self-worth, which you make out of it when you treat them like that. They will want to meet the real you in ropes, which you will not be able to give them if you seek validation because you will be too occupied with trying to meet their expectations to allow yourself to show the real you. 

So instead of looking to other people to validate you, think about what things of value do you bring to each tie. Recognise and cherish what you have to offer. Learn yourself in ropes and stand by your true personality that ropes bring out. That will allow you to enter bondage scenes with confidence and feeling of worth and presence that is hard to beat in terms of attractiveness. It will also allow you to see rejections as a result of some kind of mismatch and not as an indication that you are not good enough. 

It feels very different when you are secure about what you have to offer and that offer gets rejected from when you are not sure about the value of your offering and other people reject it. The first, makes you feel like they must not see the value in what you see value in, which is perfectly fine since people are different and it is probably a proof that you would not be a good match in ropes anyways, so it is better this way. The second makes you doubt your worth and makes you want to change to align with what their wishes about you might be. It makes you question the attractiveness of your personality and makes you feel inadequate, which is not only painful but also brings you further away from being your honest and true self. 

Don’t let your expectations spoil your mood

Another thing that applies especially to bigger rope events is managing your expectations. Usually, they are the thing that makes you miserable and takes all the joy from the event even if you’ve had a lot of interesting encounters. Unmet expectations usually disappoint more than the met ones bring happiness. Too many expectations (or any expectations for that matter) are a route to disaster and a ruined mood because at least one of them will always not come true and it will spoil all the joy from the good things that you’ve experienced. 

For that reason, I try not to expect anything from rope events. I usually go there with hope for one memorable scene (that is not so difficult to achieve) or one good workshop or something like that. Then after that had happened, I tell myself, “So now it happened, it was worth coming here, all the rest is a bonus” and that is what I live until the end of the event, reminding myself of all the great moments of the event each time I feel like I am not getting enough out of it and repeating to myself that I already got more than what I came for. It really allows me to enjoy more and stress less. Also, it makes me appreciate what I experience instead of hopping from one scene to the other, ticking the boxes on my checklist of people to tie with in the meantime. 

If you reject

Rejecting people is not easy and there are good and bad ways to do it. During my tango years, I’ve had to reject quite a lot of people and below are the guidelines that I try to follow whenever I need to do that. 

Be concise and don’t lie

I try not to come up with excuses when I reject someone and simply tell them the truth that I am not interested in dancing/tying with them at the moment. At the same time, I don’t become too elaborate on my reasons. Simple “No, thank you” should be enough to indicate my lack of interest. I don’t need and don’t want to explain myself. Unless they really insist, then I tell them the (sometimes uncomfortable) truth, which is usually much worse than a simple ‘no’ and which I hope will teach them not to use this manipulative technique on others in the future (some people cornered with a ‘why?’ question will back off and change their mind in their unwillingness to tell the truth, and that is why many people ask ‘why?’ I find it very manipulative).

Be firm

I try my rejections to be firm. Another reason why a simple “No, thank you” usually works best. I don’t want to give the rejected any reason to think that I might be hesitant in my decision. I also don't want to give them false hopes. If I am certain about my rejection then I simply say 'no'. If it's just situational and I would be interested in tying with that person in the future, I'll say that. But only if it's really the case. Otherwise, I try to be straightforward and clear in not having an intention to get tied by them. I feel like I owe it to the rejected person to be clear and honest with them. I don’t want to mislead them in any way. That is what I appreciate when someone is rejecting me and I try to apply it when I am on the other side.

Respect your boundaries

One of the worst things that you could do to yourself and to your partner in ropes is engaging in a bondage scene that you are not enthusiastic about. Nobody wants to tie or get tied out of pity. If you let someone tie you only because you didn't know how to say 'no', you will probably both feel miserable afterwards.

Especially as a rope bottom, if you let someone bind you without really wanting it, you violate yourself. And you learn to be in ropes with a tint that is really hard to get rid off later. I can't imagine that you can enjoy getting tied by someone without trusting them and I can't imagine that trust being there if you actually don't want to be in their ropes. By forcing yourself to live an experience like that you make a disservice to both yourself and to the top. 

Unless they were only experience-seeking, they were expecting to get to tie you and experience your willing surrender to them when they’ve asked to tie you. If you allow them to do it out of pity or reluctance to say ‘no’, you don’t give them your honest presence in ropes. You don’t give them the experience that you’ve promised. They will feel your lack of trust through ropes and unless they are extremely insensitive, it will not lead to a good experience for them either. Sparing both of you by stating clearly your boundaries is a favour that you owe to yourself and to them, even if it might seem painful and frustrating for the one rejected. 

If you get rejected

Getting rejected is uncomfortable and it hurts. There is no way around it. There are certain realizations, though, that can make it easier to get through and maybe even learn from it. 

Don’t kick yourself while you’re down

Unless you know the person really well and are absolutely sure that it is ok to do, don’t ask why they’ve rejected you. If they would have a reason that would not be painful to share, they would have probably done it. If they didn’t then it most probably means that you don’t want to hear their reasons and it will be less painful to just accept the ‘no’ and move on. 

Of course, in many situations, especially when it comes to relationships, it helps to hear people’s reasons for their decisions. But I think that it holds only when those reasons are in some way rational. When they can offer you a logical, or at least understandable explanation. In the case of rope, those reasons are driven by the laws of attraction, which are rarely logical and are often not explainable at all. 

I think that it is a great practice for rope bottoms to ask your riggers the ‘why’ when they said ‘yes’ to tying you. Hearing how other people see you in ropes and what are their reasons for wanting to tie you is great for recognizing your value and learning about yourself (you might be surprised sometimes). It is not very constructive, though, to hear the reasons for the ‘no’ because rope is extremely personal and it is really hard to be honest in such situation with a stranger (or almost a stranger). I think that it is better to just accept the rejection and not force them to either make it more painful or come up with some false excuses.

Appreciate what you have

Another thing that is very helpful to remind yourself when you got rejected is all the amazing opportunities and experiences that you have or have had. Maybe this person doesn’t want to tie you but think about all the awesome people who do. Or maybe they don’t want to tie you at this moment, but you’ve had some great scenes together in the past. Cherish what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. 

In tango, I took it to a really high level and when someone would ignore my attempts to get to dance with them, I would think about the fact that not dancing at this moment gives me more energy to have great dances later on. I would appreciate the opportunity to rest a little bit or use that time to connect with friends instead of focusing on the fact that I am missing this amazing song and possibly amazing dance with my favourite leader. Because getting too much of a good thing can also take away its charm.

Maybe for me, it is easier to think this way because rejection and denial are my strong kinks. But it is not only because I find it hot to be denied something or rejected that I see value in it. It is also because experiencing it in kink, I learned the value of delayed gratification. I learned how much painful anticipation can increase the pleasure when you do finally get what you desired. I learned how much more valuable things become when you have to wait or work for them. And being rejected allows you to experience it if you only want to look at it this way.

Use rejection as a motivator

How you see the reality is your choice. Not everything that happens to you is pleasant and not everything will go according to your plan. There are many factors weighing into the outcomes that you get and most of them are not dependent on you that much. Especially, when other people are involved, the results become really complex and hard to predict. I like to remind myself that at times so that I don’t fall into the trap of believing that I can fully control my life and all that happens to me depends on my actions. At the same time, I also like to realise that although I can’t control the outcomes fully, I do have an impact on increasing my chances to get what I want. And even more so, my personal attitude towards the things that happen to me in life is entirely my responsibility. 

So when I get rejected by someone, instead of focusing on how insensitive and frustrating it is and how pitiful human being I must be if they don’t want to tie me (the latter I sometimes still indulge in, though, just for my pure masochistic pleasure), I think about the things that I could have done to increase my chances. Maybe I could have been more honest in expressing my intentions? Maybe I could have done something better to make them aware of what I have to offer? Maybe I could have picked a better time to ask? Maybe I could have waited a bit longer to make sure that the interest is mutual? Maybe there is some way to develop myself more in order to be seen by them and catch their interest at a later point in time? 

If not, then it is also ok. Sometimes people just don’t match in ropes and it is also fine. I always try to see if there are some learning opportunities in the rejection, though, as it helps me to get over it and not treat it like an absolute failure, but rather a point on my journey.

Don’t take it personally

As I mentioned already, tying your personal value to external factors (especially people-related) is a really bad idea. When I get rejected by someone, I try not to take it personally. I try to remember that there are a million reasons why it might have happened. Maybe they are tired? Maybe I haven’t been visible enough for them? Maybe they have a jealous partner? Maybe they feel too insecure to tie me? Maybe there is someone else that they really want to tie in this moment and they are not interested in anyone else? Many of these reasons are objective and not related to me personally. I like to remind that to myself when I get on a route of self-blame and feeling not good enough. 

And even if it is related to me personally, it doesn’t mean that there is anything that I could do about it. It doesn’t mean that I should change anything in myself. Maybe they see better than I do our lack of compatibility? Maybe I only think that the scene that we would have would be amazing, looking at them with their other partners, but they are aware that it wouldn’t work with someone else?

Again, I like to take what I can learn from this kind of situations, but I also don’t stress too much about what I could have done to change the outcome as I realize that it is way too complex to comprehend. I take what I can for the future, but I don’t overthink the past. Instead of being bitter and withdrawn, I try to open up more and be more welcoming. It is not easy, but it is the only way to make sure that people around me can see me. And the only person that I should be interested in being tied by is someone who sees and wants to tie me. 

I realize that this post is way way way too long. I am truly amazed if you got this far reading it. Maybe for some people, the things that I write about here are obvious. I do think, however, that they are much easier said than done. I really (try to) live by these rules, not only write about them and it really helps. It is not only empty words. The kind of attitudes that I describe is not easy, but they really paid off for me and I think that they are worth cultivating. 

I wish that handling rejection would become easier for more people. I think that it would help both sides in being honest and asserting their boundaries. I wish that it would become less uncomfortable for people to both hear and say ‘no’, that we would become more authentic in our choices without the fear of being judged for it. I really think that it would help our community and it would lead to (maybe less but) more positive rope experiences for everyone. And isn’t that what we all want? 

To me, rope is about losing control

Photo by Dolph Vex.

I started bottoming in a community where the presence of active power bottoms was very prominent. I was surrounded by the notions of exercising for rope, stretching, managing your body in ropes and co-creating the ties with the rigger. In the beginning, I was trying to become like those models as they were the only role models that I’ve had. However, after some attempts, I started feeling like there is something in their approach that did not fit my personality and the reasons why I loved rope. The deeper I was going into rope bondage, the more certain I was becoming that this way of bottoming is not how I see myself in ropes. It was leaving too much control in the hands of the model (at least seemingly) and that was the opposite of what I wanted. 

At the same time, I did not see any alternatives for myself. I ended up feeling inadequate and like a failure. I felt like my approach was inferior to the other models and as if I didn’t contribute to the tying as much as the ‘active’ models did. I am very ambitious, therefore I could not stand feeling this way. At the same time, I had a strong conviction that I don't want to give up my (what I felt) real self in ropes for the sake of living up to the expectations and being among the ‘cool and enlightened models’.

As a side note, I have to make it clear that what I say here is extremely subjective and written from the perspective of how I felt about these things and not how my environment saw me. In fact, I have no idea how other people looked at it. I’ve mostly heard positive things from people around me about myself in ropes, but I think that because it seemed to me like all the most popular models are different from me, and because I could not find any voice that would resonate with me, I felt like my approach must be inferior. 
That was when I attended my first kinbaku and semenawa-centred workshop by Riccardo Wildties and WykD Dave and I’ve met their amazing models RedSabbath and Clover. Getting to know them really changed my perspective and I felt like I finally found successful models whose reasons for doing ropes seemed to be more aligned with mine and whose words and approaches were really inspiring to me. It seemed like, the same as myself, what they were looking for in ropes was to lose control. Ropes for them were inseparable from D/s, they were actually a tool to play out their D/s dynamic. They were not looking for the physical challenge as much as they were looking for a mental one. And that was in many ways how I felt about rope bondage as well. So maybe, in the end, I was not completely insane?

I don’t want to create a huge divide between the two approaches. Actually, I don’t even think that there are only two. I believe that there are many more, probably as many as there are rope bottoms. There are many flavours of bottoming and even I, as a single person, am not always the same in the way that I bottom. It very much depends on who I tie with and how. However, there are certain dividing factors between approaches to bottoming, the same way as there are dividing factors between different styles of tying. It doesn't mean that you always need to apply only one, the same way as, as a rigger, you don't always need to tie in the same style and mood. Riggers apply different techniques depending on their current goals in bondage. I believe that the same holds for the models.

Depending on why you do rope or simply what you want to get out of a scene, different skills/attitudes will help you to get where you want to be. I don’t think that there are some universal skills that a rope bottom should posses. I think that it is extremely dependent on what you want to achieve in ropes and what your motivations are. 

Recently, I’ve been discovering what my motivations are (at least for the bigger part of my bondage). I already wrote about ropes being a tool for me to challenge myself mentally and what I do in order to help the rigger in bringing me to my limits. Another thing that is quite crucial for me is how I see the power relation between myself in ropes and the rigger and how that affects my attitude in bondage. And that is what I want to talk about here.

I don’t feel empowered in rope

One of the important realizations for me recently was that I don’t do rope to feel empowered, but rather to explore my weaknesses. My goal of being in ropes in never to feel strong and I don’t feel as such when I am bound. It seems to be in contrast to many models that I’ve spoken to in the European communities. I often hear from models (both the physically active ones and the ones that have a more receiving kinbaku attitude) that doing rope makes them feel strong and beautiful. That they feel empowered when sustaining the hardship of bondage. That being able to meet the challenge gives them some kind of inner strength. I, on the other hand, usually feel miserable and violated in ropes, both physically and mentally. I feel bare and exposed. I feel vulnerable. And that is also what I am looking for. 

I think that this different mindset changes my attitude in ropes a lot. For me, being in ropes is one of those rare moments when I allow myself to feel weak and disempowered, to let my guard down and hand over the power over my faith to another person for once. 

I feel like if I would want to maintain a feeling of strength and empowerment in rope, it would require a constant fight against the circumstances. I would need to put my energy into making myself feel strong despite what is happening to me. It’s a bit of a mindset of standing still in the midst of the thunderstorm. It is a very noble and respectable one and I can imagine that it can make one feel good. It's not what I am doing, though. I rather let the thunderstorm sweep me away.

I feel like most of my life I am trying to stand still in the midst of a thunderstorm. I am fighting to maintain an image of a strong and capable person, to protect my dignity and to gain the respect of people. And as much as it feels good to succeed in it, it can also be very tiring.

Especially for me, since I am also strongly drawn to the feeling of being down, of dropping low in the ranks of society, of shedding off all the social and personal expectations and simply exist at the bottom of the chain, bondage is a means to explore those situations without hindering my day to day life. It’s my sandbox to explore the feelings of lowliness and disgrace. It's a moment for me to finally let go and just be. At that moment I find freedom.

And, paradoxically, being able to explore those dark places can have a very empowering effect in the sense of realizing one’s own resilience. When you get as low as is humanly possible, when you bare yourself so much that the audience can see your insides spilling out of you and you come out of it alive, that's a powerful experience. And it can lead to a feeling of empowerment.

You are like an insect that has just shed its carapace. At first, your outside is still very soft and vulnerable, but when it hardens it becomes even more invincible than the one you've just shed. 

You need to first go low in order to get to that point, however. You need to dare to be vulnerable and weak if you want to feel the kind of aftermath strength that I am talking about here. And you have to bear in mind that that feeling of strength might only come much much later or not come at all. That is because it is only a possible side effect of your experience, but not its direct result. Therefore, it should not be your goal per se.

I want to lose control

One of the most desired and pleasurable states for me is being truly out of control. Out of control over my body and, which I desire even more, out of control over my mind. And rope bondage is a perfect tool to achieve it as, whether we want to admit it or not, being bound means having our control taken away. 

People often talk about the model being actually the one who is in control in ropes because they are the ones who can stop the scene at any time. But is it really the case? Only, if we assume that the rigger will adhere to the social norms and let them out when they demand it. So the model can only maintain some level of control if the rigger allows them for it. Therefore, we (should) tie with people whom we trust that they will give us back our power when we request it. Because in the moment of being in their ropes, we are at their mercy. I wouldn’t really call it being in control.

I think that sometimes we lie to ourselves a bit, trying to make out of bondage something that it wasn’t made for and then being surprised when its true nature reveals itself to us in an unexpected moment.

Because as much as you want to feel powerful and in control in ropes, as much as you want to make a dance and a mutual exchange out of bondage, the truth is that by letting someone bind you, you hand the power over to them. Trying to deny it or to not seeing it might lead to painful disillusions later on.

Of course, I can imagine the kind of decorative bondage where the model maintains all the control over their body and the rope does not restrict them in any way. In that case, I admit that my words will not hold anymore. But in most styles of bondage, some form of restriction does take place, and therefore the model gives away some of their power to the rigger.

In a way, I do believe that most of the models are looking for that loss of control at some level, otherwise, they wouldn’t be intrigued by bondage. Being powerless is at the core of rope bondage and I think that it usually is the core of the activity that people are attracted to, even if they don’t dare to immerse themselves fully in it and only tread around it in their practice. I do, however, understand why one wouldn’t want to go for it all the way. It is one thing to be intrigued or attracted to something and another to truly experience it.

During an amazing lecture of Bergborg on Akechi Denki that I attended recently at the Prague Shibari Festival, he showed us a video where the Master says that “a woman who lets you tie herself is like a diamond and one should treasure her”. Hearing it in contemporary Europe one might think that the world has truly changed and it is not the case anymore. Because there seems to be a lot of models who want to be tied, a lot of people are interested in being a rope model. Finding a person who wants to be in ropes is not such a difficult endeavour nowadays. 

The question is though, are they really interested in all that it entails? Do they truly want to hand over the control over their bodies and their minds, and possibly lives to another person? Do they understand what they are signing up for? Or are they just up for a thrill, interested in what it feels like to be tied, but without the real understanding of what it might lead to and what it means to be bound?

I think that a model who is ready to truly give themselves to the rigger, who wants to go all the way, who realizes the potential that rope bondage has and still wants to explore it, is still a real treasure. Because handing over your body (and mind) for someone else to toy with is not a small thing. Having one's physical and (even more importantly) mental limits pushed is not a small thing. Being broken and rebuilt in captivity requires courage and a strong spirit. A responsible rigger will only go as far with someone who they trust will be able to withstand it. And I think that finding such someone is not a common thing.

I guess that it is quite obvious that I have a preference for rope that is dark and strongly rooted in D/s and SM. I am fascinated by the potential of rope bondage to challenge me physically and mentally. I realize that it is not the case for everyone and I don’t think that it should be. I do not try to convince everyone to follow my footsteps. I am happy that different people enjoy rope in their own ways. It's such a versatile and multifaceted activity that it can meet many different needs of different people, be it a physical challenge, creating art, exploring a D/s dynamic or simply having some fun.

I do have a feeling, however, that if you want to get to the core of rope bondage if you want to explore its full potential, if you want to squeeze out of your practice everything there is to squeeze then you will end up in a similar place to where I am at the moment. Because, if you think about it, the act of being bound has always been both a symbol and an enactment of losing control and giving up the power.

In old Japan, hojojutsu was used either as a martial art or as a symbol of defeat and being held in captivity. Afterwards, when the act of binding became aestheticized and eroticized in art, it was still an act of disempowerment and lack of control of the bound person that was a subject of the aesthetic and erotic pleasure (and the torment of being in such situation). And if disempowerment was at the core of rope bondage from its origin, I can’t imagine practising it truly without that part included (at least if you still want to call it kinbaku).

Of course, you can use rope for many other things, for connection, for sensory experience, for a feeling of flow, for the beauty of the form. I do feel, however, that doing so is a bit like taming a beast by knocking out its teeth. Sure, the result is that it won’t bite you anymore and you might even domesticate it, but that newly acquired pet will not be as wild, beautiful and mysterious as it was when you’ve seen it for the first time and became fascinated by it. 

And I am truly fascinated by the beast. I am drawn to the dark corners of human experience that rope bondage allows me to explore. I appreciate the environment which being in ropes provides me for exploring myself at my weakest and most helpless. I appreciate that it offers me the possibility to, for once, be different than society tells me to be, to stop fighting for my power, to let go of control, to allow someone else to decide my faith, to express everything that I should not express. 

To me, being in ropes is the moment when I stop playing by the rules. When I can finally get to explore the parts of my psyche that I was told I should not explore. I would not say that it is the moment when I finally become myself, but rather that it is the moment when I can try out the versions of myself that I haven’t been allowed to explore in normal life. I don't say that it is easy. I don't say that it is for everyone. I don't say that it is all fun. But to me, what I describe here is what draws me to rope bondage. That glimpse of freedom that you gain only when you finally have nothing more to lose.

To me, rope is about exploring the limits of the mind

I am currently trying to define what drives me in rope bondage so that I can understand better where I stand in the realm of rope bottoming and (hopefully) make it easier for people who hear my thoughts on it to interpret them and find a place for them within their own definitions. 

By no means is what I write about here set in stone. I am ever-evolving and it might be that in half a year my thoughts on the topic will change completely. Also, it is not an exhaustive definition of who I am in ropes. I only touch upon some aspects of my modelling here. Some others I talk about in my other posts and there might be more to come on things that I've realised recently and haven’t shared yet. Also, it is not that I am living what I describe here at all times. Some things that I talk about are more prominent in my modelling than others, but still, I am sure that there are scenes in which nothing of what I write about in this post applies to me. 

I do think, however, that what I am touching upon are some of the driving forces that drew me towards, and keep me with, rope and kinbaku. What I describe is like a compass that steers my rope journey. I don’t always follow the route that it indicates, but in the end, I always come back to it. It is what inspires me and partly what makes me in rope me. I am writing about it as a way for me to make sense out of it, but also to possibly inspire other people to think differently about their bondage. I am not trying to convince anyone that this is the way to do it (even if I sound like it at times), so please refrain from asking me to put disclaimers that it is a personal account and not a prescription on rope bottoming in general.

Disclaimer: This is a personal account and not a prescription on rope bottoming in general.

These are some of my reasons for doing rope bondage and my personal approach to it. I hope that you will have some pleasure from reading it and take from it what you feel like.

I want to explore my mental limits, but not cross them

The intensity of the experience in ropes for me often comes from dancing on the verge of my limits. And the limits that I'm talking about here are psychological rather than physical. I think that the difference between mental and physical limits is that the first ones are way more fluid and situation dependent. Also, for me, the latter is often driven by the former. I can only push myself so far for the sake of a physical challenge, but when pleasing my Dominant comes into play, or simply suffering without any control over it, I turn out to be capable of way more than I thought I am. 

Pushing one’s mental limits is a very delicate matter. It is quite easy to realise that you’ve damaged yourself physically, but when it comes to psychological damage, things get murkier and much more complex. That is why for this kind of exploration you need to be able to feel very well what is happening within you and you need to be able to communicate it to your rigger so that they know what they are doing.

Going slow and constant communication is the key if you want your rigger to be aware of how much they can push you at all times. If you act tough for the bigger part of the scene and push away the psychological reactions that they are causing in you, there is a big risk that once you finally react, you will already be too far, because your reaction will be a result of passing your limits and things spilling out of you uncontrollably. And that is what you want to avoid. If you both go slow, however, and if you are both attuned to each other, you can get to really amazing places without using extreme tools for that. Sometimes less is more and the deeper you both are immersed in the scene, the less you need to do externally to make the other feel. It is more a matter of depth of immersion than the strength of the act itself.

I often observe riggers in workshops going very far very quick with their models. For example, in Soptik’s and mine recent workshop on Humiliation during the Prague Shibari Festival, there was a simple exercise of tying an upper chest harness that had a humiliating aspect to it. That was all that Soptik did on me (tied the chest harness), and because of his clear intention and small details in his behaviour, my reaction to the tie was quite strong. When the participants’ turn came, they went (as Wildties would say) byzantine. They started tying models faces, hanging things on them, exposing them and going into verbal humiliation. All because they wanted to get a reaction. However, the reactions of most of the models were not as strong as mine.

In my opinion, the reason for that was twofold. First, the models did not allow their feelings to flow through them freely. They were blocking the feelings of humiliation or were simply distracted, waiting for the rigger to do something that will put them in the right mindset. Secondly, the riggers were doing too much without the right intention. Sometimes, doing less and slowing down is a much better tool for making the model tuned in than overwhelming them with experiences. It is like with tenderising the meat (My partner, Asiana likes to use that comparison when she talks about semenawa), if you progress slowly, it’s like marinating the model. You don’t need much to make her ‘tender’ (read: get a reaction) if you prepared her well. If you haven’t prepared her beforehand, though, you need to strike really hard to get the same result, additionally substantially increasing the risk of causing damage in the process. 

As a model, I can’t do anything about the intentionality and intensity of what my rigger is giving me. I can, however, work on my own mindset to make it easier for them to work with me. Therefore, in a rope scene, I am usually trying to give the rigger all the information possible for them to be able to push me in the right way.

For that, I first focus on receiving the information from within myself, sensitizing myself to be able to read it and then I try to communicate what I am feeling to the rigger. Of course, I don’t only do these things to make the life of the rigger easier. For the bigger part, I do it because it allows me to reach the states that I am looking for. 

First and foremost, I want to feel

The most important reason for me to do rope is that it makes me feel. And the feelings that it can elicit are exactly the ones that I am looking for in BDSM: misery, helplessness, lack of control, surrender, submission, resignation, arousal, humiliation, objectification, fear. A skilled rigger can make me feel all these in a rope scene. And much more. 

I have an impression that because the progression in a rope scene is much slower than, for example, in an impact play scene, and there are many times when I am in a way left to myself, there is a lot of time for my mind to process what is happening to me and build its own story around it. I believe that that is the reason why I can get to as complex emotions with rope as I do with verbal play (which I really really love exactly for the level of emotional complexity one can achieve with it). In rope, instead of my partner enchanting me with their words, my head is doing it for them, manipulating my emotions and creating complex scenarios based on the actions of the rigger. So far, I haven’t found any other form of play that would allow for such emotional complexity as these two.

I want to feel as intensely as possible in my play. And the way to achieve the intensity for me is either by the level of the emotion itself (as in, intense fear or intense pleasure) or by its complexity. The latter often being more interesting for me. And because I am specifically looking for feelings and emotions, I try to make myself especially sensitive to anything that might elicit them. During a scene, I tune in into my bodily sensations and my feelings, all my attention focused on reading and interpreting what the rigger is doing to me and how it affects me. It happens not in the sense of actively analysing it in my head, but rather letting their actions affect my body and through that speak subconsciously to my mind and my heart. 

Finally, I don’t only want to feel strong emotions, I am not waiting for the fireworks. I want to experience everything there is to experience. I want to squeeze all the possible feelings that I might out of the scene. I don't only want to experience the end state, but the entire process that brings me there. I want to feel every little crack in my surface.

Also for that, I sensitize myself. Again, I tune in into my body so that I don’t miss any possible shift that might provide me with a new reason to feel, however small it is. I don't push away any emotion, I let them all in. The good and the bad, the strong and the weak, the overwhelming and the subtle. 

I let my feelings out

I tend to be very expressive and I think that there are a couple of reasons for it. One is that because I'm so focused on receiving and interpreting, all my attention and energy goes there and I have no energy left to hide what is happening inside of me. All of it is consciously directed somewhere else. Also, when you feel so much without pushing it away, it becomes in a way natural to also express it. If you open up so much to what you are feeling, it can be overwhelming at times and sometimes the only way to stay sane within this experience is to let it out. Otherwise, you'll end up like a pot that's about to boil over. It's better to lift the lead up early on and let the steam out gradually, as it comes. 

During the Prague Shibari Festival, I listened to a great lecture of Bergborg about Akechi Denki in which he mentioned an article that Akechi' s model, Katsuragi Ayano, wrote after performing with the Master in the Netherlands. In the article, you can read how surprised she was about the European virtue of stoicism in models. She commented on the model in a show preceding theirs taking a heavy whipping without any reaction, and how the audience seemed to appreciate it, while after their performance where she was screaming and crying, the organiser had to calm down the public and remind them that what they’ve seen was consensual. I think that things haven't changed that much since then. Stoicism and even a certain kind of serenity in ropes are still very appreciated in Europe. We value people who can take difficulties calmly and with composure. We value quiet models who endure silently.

Unfortunately, I am not like that. I let out everything that I feel inside of me. I tend to be very expressive. When something hurts me, I scream, when I'm aroused, I moan and when I'm desperate, I wail. And for that, I have been criticised in different communities. That I am too loud, too dramatic or that I invade other people's spaces at rope jams with my expression. 

I understand the critique. I definitely stand out often and my reactions are frequently not compatible with what other people around me are looking for in ropes. The thing is, though, that what I do is simply not overwriting my natural reactions with politically correct ones. Being in ropes (especially in a suspension) is an extreme experience. You put your body in a state of heavy distress, sometimes even terror. I don't want to shut down my feelings to appear more graceful or more strong. I am not going to diminish my natural reactions in order for my rigger and the audience to be comfortable with pushing me further. I want to feel what I feel and I want the rigger to be able to witness what they are doing to me. I don't look for pride in swallowing my reactions and in appearing tough. In fact, I don’t look for pride in bondage at all. My goal is to be moved, to feel as deeply as possible, the expression of it being just a side effect.

Finally, I want my rigger to be able to understand what they are doing to me. We are playing a delicate and risky game and I don’t want to mislead them in anything. Even though it seems like they are the culprit and I am the victim, to me it is more as if we are partners in crime. We both want to bring me to my limits and we both want me to experience intense emotions. In order to do it in a conscious and informed way, I want to cooperate with them. 

I think that if one looks at modelling qualities, the context is extremely important. While there might be some general objectively desired skills that every rigger should have (being able to tie with the right even tension, having muscle memory of certain ties or at least some passages of a tie etc.), I recently grow more and more convinced that for models it’s not the case (with the exception maybe of being able to monitor the most basic safety indicators). However, it doesn’t mean that the models have no input in rope bondage. Quite the contrary. 

In my opinion, I have an enormous impact on the scene as a model (and if some riggers would like to challenge me in this statement, please bring it on). Depending on what I want to get out of the tie, I can facilitate myself in it or make it more difficult for myself and for the rigger. That is not to say that I direct my rope scenes in any way (I think that the people who have seen me being tied would agree that trying to direct my rigger in any way is the last thing that I do), rather I try to remove all the obstacles from my side that might hinder the rigger in bringing me to where I want to be (and where they want me to be). 

And because for me the mental challenge and the emotional aspects of rope bondage are very important, I do everything in order to make it easier for the rigger to give them to me. I do my part and I hope that they will do their part as well. What I do doesn’t necessarily make sense in absolute terms, but it certainly does in the context of what I am looking for. 

Because if you want to feel, you should let yourself feel. If you want to share your emotions with someone else, you need to let them in and allow them to witness you. And finally, if you want to explore your limits, doing so gradually and with awareness is the way to go if you don't want to get hurt (too much) in the process.

On the merit of patience in rope models

Photo by Michal Neoral.

I haven’t always been a patient model. In fact, I used to be a very impatient and annoying one. I used to be a model that would always want to be played with and entertained and couldn’t stand rope tops practising things on her.

I've been very fortunate because basically from the moment that I discovered rope, I've only been tied by riggers who are fluent in using it. I've never tied with a complete beginner. Every partner of mine was able to give me an experience of a scene with the flow, and because of my strong reactiveness to rope and being 'fun to play with', that's what I always ended up doing with people. It seemed like I am an extremely skilled model and I was doing great right from the start of my 'rope career'. I thought that there is nothing that I needed to work on, that I was simply born for it. Until I modelled for a first technique-oriented workshop on a TK.

There hadn’t been even an inch of play in that workshop. It was all about rope technicalities: the knots, the frictions, the tension. Additionally, the pressure on the rope tops was high because at the end of the workshop they were supposed to tie the TK perfectly in a limited amount of time. Therefore, my partner was all focused on the execution of the tie and not on how it affected me. There was no room for it and it wasn't the point of the workshop either.

During the workshop, I was really dreadful. I was restless and I kept giving my partner the impression of how bored I was. Plus, I was trying to get the attention of everyone around. I kept complaining and at some point, I even started yawning. I felt entitled to it since that wasn't the rope experience that I signed up for.
Even writing about my attitude makes me cringe.

After the workshop, I got feedback from the other participants and also the teacher (who was my friend and partner, Asiana) and they all agreed that my behaviour was terrible and really not acceptable. I thought that I was providing entertainment to the others, but it turned out that I wasn't, quite the opposite. Since so many people whom I respected were of exactly the same opinion and since when I'd heard how it felt from the outside, I totally agreed with them, I decided to change.

And I did. I became a very patient and obedient model. Nowadays, I can model for technical workshops for hours and not complain even once. I model for teachers, and being a model of someone who is giving a workshop can be even more demanding because their focus is never on you during the workshop. Not when they're tying, because then they are explaining things, and also not after since then they need to help the participants and give them feedback. So you are either used as a prop to demonstrate a tie on or you have to wait until you will be used as a prop again with a minimal in-between connection or attention from your rigger. I take it all patiently and gracefully.

It's not because I learned how to shut my mouth and suffer the boredom and lack of attention in silence. I don't think that it would take me far. Sooner or later my feelings would show up one way or another.
Rather, my mindset and attitude towards this kind of rope activities have truly changed. The fact is that currently, I enjoy riggers practising things on me as well as modelling for technical workshops, and I'm not bored being tied without feelings or having the same pattern applied to me over and over again. I found a way to appreciate it and not treat it as a necessary evil.

I would like to share here the realizations that brought me to that mindset, as I do think that patience is one of the most important qualities for creating beautiful kinbaku that a model can have and that it doesn't only benefit the riggers but also the models themselves.

Not all of the things that I mention here have to apply to everyone. I think that they can be practised independently and each one of them can be beneficial on its own. I do hope that reading about it might inspire more models to find their own patience within and will help them and their riggers in their rope development as much as it is helping me.

You are only as bored as you want to be

There are millions of things that you can do as your own practice when the rope top is perfecting their technique. You can focus on your bodily sensations in the tie. You can focus on feeling the emotions that are inside you. You can meditate. You can practice maintaining proper posture (there is an art in sitting and standing in a proper manner), just to name a few.

Think for yourself what you can do and what you find the most interesting. I often alternate between the above during workshops and practice times. The possibilities of your mind, your body and the connection between them to develop and entertain you are endless if you let them. It's all about maintaining an attitude of curiosity and engagement.

Surviving boredom can prepare you for surviving the suffering later on

What I also discovered recently, is that training your mind to be able to sustain long periods of bodily inactivity is very similar to training it to withstand long periods of physical distress. Especially when the distress is partly about being immobilized, as it is in case of bondage.

So, while it might seem like you are not doing anything when your partner is using your body to practice, you might actually be practising the mindset that is extremely important later on when you will progress to more demanding ties, and when a strong mind and an ability to withstand distress for extended periods of time will be very important.

Enjoy the objectification of being a practice prop

To me, a huge benefit of being a practice prop for my riggers is the experience of objectification that it provides me with. I realize that it's not everyone's kink, but if it is yours, try to relax into the space of being an object next time when your rigger is practising their technique on you. Let yourself to become quiet and your mind to be emptied from thoughts. Enjoy your usefulness to them and the possibility to let go and just be whatever they need you to be in this moment.

By allowing the rigger to properly practice, you build the ground for better scenes in the future

This one is pretty straightforward, yet it took me some time to realize it. How are all those great riggers with whom I want to have amazing scenes expected to emerge if there is nobody that they can practice their technique on? And if there are people willing to do that, but I am not one of them, why should I deserve to get the benefits of their sacrifices?

Rope is not all fun and play and declining participation in the less fun parts of it means that, as a model, you either push it on to other models or you prevent your riggers from growing. Neither is desirable. Additionally, even if you don't care about pushing the responsibility on the other models and ripping only the benefits being unethical, having the rigger practice particularly on you has also direct benefits. Because each model's body is different, practising on your body increases not only rigger's skills in general but also their skills in tying you. They learn to fit the ties to your body and to be fluent in tying especially you. You become more attuned to each other. And that's an important precondition for having amazing rope scenes later on.

Do not behave like it's all about you

As I mentioned before, rope is not only 'fun' and requiring that riggers entertain you at all times and always engage with you when tying is making it very one-sided and selfish. Additionally, it skews the power dynamics entirely to your side which, if you are submissive like me, is the last thing you want.

To me, being a submissive is not an on and off thing. You don't turn it on for the fun stuff and off when the work needs to be done. To me, being a submissive is very much about service, about an offering that you make of yourself, about being useful. That actually gives me more satisfaction than being involved in submissive acts during play. The latter is just a cherry on top, a temporary emanation of a dynamic that's always there, a reward of sorts for being ready to serve my Dominant at all times.

In the way I approach rope bondage, a D/s element is essential to me. I don't tie with people with whom I don't feel some level of submission. And if I am submissive to someone (even to a small degree), I will never try to dictate them the terms of our engagement with each other. Doing what they want (and not what I superficially might seem to want) is, in fact, bringing me the deepest kind of pleasure. And when they require me to model for them for practice, to be useful without getting direct pleasure from it, is a proof that, indeed, I do not dictate the terms, that what we are doing is because they want it and not me.

Have an attitude of service and gratitude

This one is tied to the previous one, but I want to elaborate on it a bit more. As much as we, models, are offering our bodies for the riggers to tie and torment, they are offering us their skills and hard work that stands behind them. And we shouldn't forget about it.

Recently, there has been more and more attention drawn to giving recognition to the models and their efforts, which I think is great. Riggers should be grateful for our offering, and as an appreciation of it, they should serve our bodies and our minds as good as they possibly can. They should not use us as requisites in an exercise of boosting their egos, but they should respect us and our gifts and in that sense give justice to the sacrifices that we are making.

At the same time, models should also recognize the effort and risk that the riggers are taking when tying us. We rarely talk about the fact that becoming a skilled rigger takes really a lot of effort. We should be grateful to our riggers and appreciate them for it. Also, we should try to serve them in their efforts as much as possible, not only consume the benefits of their hard work but also be ready to give of ourselves what there is to give in order to support them. We're not learning the complex technical skills of having an absolute command of rope that they do, but we can assist them in doing it.

We want to be tied by the best riggers and have great experiences, but what do we do to actually deserve it? I don't think that just being young, pretty and flexible should do. And if it does then it's up to the riggers to evaluate whether they respect themselves enough in their choices of who they tie with.

Always stay in the rope space, don't practice casually

Finally, even though I do tie for practice nowadays (something that I used to not do at all in the past) and I model for technically-oriented workshops, I'm still always trying to have my mind in a being-tied special rope mindset.

I still hate discussing ties or talking in general, while I'm in rope. I give feedback to my riggers, but only after the tying is finished. In this way, I can practice getting out of my head and into my body when being tied and I develop the habit of doing so each time when I'm in rope.

I keep the feeling of being in rope as something that is special and prevent it from becoming casual. That's why I never do other things when people practice on me, as in, watch television, read, play on my phone. Even if the rigger does not need my attention at that moment, I want to keep the offering attitude and the 'sacredness' of the feeling of being in ropes.

I do realize that my approach to rope is very particular and not every model looks at their practice this way. I also don't think that they should. I think that we should all look for our own approach and our own expression in our practice of rope bondage.

However, I do think that reading about different attitudes that people have in rope can be immensely helpful in finding your own. And I hope that by sharing mine, I help others in achieving that, even if it's by them realizing that they completely don't agree with me. I also hope that maybe for some, my thoughts will be like that feedback that I received after the TK workshop. Something that makes you slightly uncomfortable but allows for change and growth.

Because I do think that, at least if we wish to tie with skilled riggers, patience is a quality that we should work on developing. It benefits the riggers, as it takes the pressure of entertaining the model away from them and allows them to focus on perfecting their skills whenever they feel is necessary. It also benefits us, models, indirectly by contributing to the skills of the riggers, and directly as it teaches us to take care of ourselves and to be able to manage our own mind better, without relying on the rigger so much.

Finally, the attitude that I describe creates a positive feedback loop in which each party supports the other in their growth, but at the same time takes full responsibility for their own development. It also calls for appreciation and gratitude of both partners, each one of them recognizing their different but equally important and complementary roles. It makes each rope related activity valuable for both parties, at the same time not trying to equate them, but preserving their distinct nature.

Because the nature of the rigger's practice is very different from the model's. Neither of them is easy and because of the partnered nature of rope bondage, neither can fully develop without the help of their partner. And if we want to tie with great riggers, let's try to be the models that they deserve.

Thoughts upon recovering from a rope injury

I've been tied a lot lately and I think that I can finally say that I'm back to my full physical fitness from before the injury. It feels great to be able to be in ropes again without constant vigilance over what's happening in my body. To be able to let go like I used to do. 

However, being tied now is not the same. I'm not the same. This experience has definitely changed me. Fortunately, not in a way that I was afraid it will. I didn't become more cautious or more focused on my bodily signals. If anything, I might actually be less now. I think that I became more accepting of the fact that I might get an injury. It happened once and it might happen again. I'm not saying that I became more careless, but maybe less obsessive about it. 

Because when I got injured, I didn't receive any prior signals. It might have been that I was not paying attention, but I don't think that was it. I'm generally pretty aware of what's happening in my body and I'm able to communicate if something doesn't feel right. The scene was tough and I was suffering a lot. The position was not something that I am used to. But it wasn't more extreme than other things that I've experienced so far. It didn't make me feel like my body was violated in a bad way. And yet it did lead to an injury. 

Coming back to rope after recovery, I had two choices, limit what I do tremendously to make sure that I won't get injured again (which, in fact, you can never be sure about) or come back to the way that I used to do rope and accept that at some point I might get injured again. I went for the second option, which was my mindset also before the injury, but which has now become more mature because the risk is not so theoretical anymore. 

Rope bondage (especially if you do semi-suspensions and suspensions) is an edge play. And the nature of playing on the edge is such that you do get hurt from time to time. That's what makes the play exciting. But if you want the reward, you also need to be willing to accept the risk. Especially for me, since I really love my limits to be pushed, I really love to suffer, I feel like it's inevitable that from time to time something will go wrong. Trying to convince myself that I can prevent an injury from happening again while preserving the intensity of the experiences that I get from rope would be lying to myself. And doing that is limiting in my opinion. 

Realising and accepting the possible consequences and making a conscious decision to go forward regardless is freeing. The elephant disappears from the room. It also makes you realise how big value the thing that puts you in danger has to you that you continue to do it despite being conscious of the threat. I know that I would rather get injured again than stop having the amazing experiences that rope is giving me.

Of course, there are ways to minimise the risks. I tie with people who I trust and who, I believe, know their own limits. I work on maintaining my body awareness while being immersed in the tie. I analyse my bodily and emotional reactions after each tie and try to communicate to my rigger anything that I feel might be useful for them during (but preferably after) the session.

But… If I want myself and my riggers to develop, if we want to get out of our comfort zones, we need to move to an unknown territory. And since it is an unknown, you don't know what to expect there and you can't really prepare for it. You can listen as much as you want to other people who have been there but their experience can't really prepare you for your experience. Their body is not your body. Their mind is not your mind. Relying too much on their input might make you pay attention to the signs that were left there for them and miss the ones that are waiting for you.

However, if you stay cautious, self-aware, open and willing to learn, that exploration might lead you to amazing insights. Sometimes your lessons might be painful, sometimes you will need to lose something in order to gain something else. I think that now I am more aware and accepting of that. And looking forward to exploring the uncharted territory of rope bondage further. Because the real adventure has only just started.

Thoughts on my approach to rope modelling after my first ever public rope performance

Photo by anonymus.

I can't even express how privileged I feel to have given my first rope performance as a model of amazing Soptik in the School of rope run by Kirigami and Tenshiko in Milan. It was a small and intimate show, intended for the audience to experience a real session that could happen between the two of us in private. Around 40 people were allowed to have a peek into our dynamic (almost) without a filter. And I believe that for some it was an intense experience. Maybe even as intense as it was for me.

I expected my limits to be pushed and to suffer. I expected to be exposed and ashamed. I expected pain and I expected desperation. It was all there. What I didn’t expect, though, was the amount of emotional courage and vulnerability that it takes to give a performance like that. I didn’t expect how emotionally exposed will I feel afterwards. How fragile, and weak, and defenceless.

After the show, people came to us, and between praising the skills of Soptik they also praised how strong and beautiful I was. Hearing that made me weirdly confused. It completely didn’t match the way I felt during the performance. I did feel that I showed and gave a lot. I did feel that they could see a big part of me bare in the open. But I didn’t feel that my strength or beauty was on display that night. Rather the opposite.

This dissonance made me think of my mindset in rope and how it affects the experiences that I have.

Preparation

The first thing that I realized was that this entire show was a sacrifice for my rigger. From the moment that we entered the School of rope, I was readying myself for it. Even though, a few hours before the show I was slightly nervous, the moment we arrived at the school, I quietened. My mind became calm and still. The mental preparation for taking what was waiting for me at the hands of Soptik began.

I wanted to be ready for him. I wanted to be empty. To feel everything that he wants me to feel and let his actions flow through me. I didn’t even do it consciously. It just happened. Only afterwards when I was reflecting on the experience, I realized the reason for my quiet. I also realized that I do it often before tying, even if not to that degree. Before the scene, I usually do everything to avoid talking and to have a moment of silence and preparation. I like to just sit quietly in seiza with my head down and wait for the rigger to start tying me. To be ready for him when the tying begins.

Sacrifice

No matter how much it seems like I enjoy rope, being tied is always a sacrifice for me at some level. I don't think that I have ever had a scene which I've done for my own pleasure. My mindset in rope (and when I bottom in general) is always the one of giving and not the one of taking. I enjoy rope but not in a straightforward manner. My pleasure comes by proxy from the pleasure of the rigger.

All I want is to please my rigger. If he wants me to be beautiful, I will try to be beautiful. If he wants me to be disgusting and twisted, I will be. I will go through anything for the sake of the pleasure of the other if they are willing to accept my sacrifice. And I like that feeling of sacrifice. It gives me a strange satisfaction and makes my offering more valuable. If I would be doing something that I deeply enjoy then what is there to be of value in it for the other? I would be doing it for myself and not for him.

Paradoxically, not many people are good at accepting such sacrifice. Often they want the model to enjoy themselves at some level as well. They don't want to have a feeling like it's all about them. They don't want to feel like they are forcing me into something that I don't want. Soptik is one of the most graceful takers that I know. He really is perfectly comfortable with accepting any kind of sacrifice, no matter how big it is. He takes it with appreciation, but without a feeling of obligation to repay. That makes me feel very relaxed in my giving. I know that with him I don't need to pretend that I want what he wants. I know that he will just take it from me no matter what my feelings about it are. And somehow that is very freeing. I can purely focus on him and let go of myself completely.

Violation

Another feeling that ropes often cause in me is being violated. Partly, because that's what ropes do, they take away one’s freedom and restrict one’s body. Often in a painful manner. Partly though, I feel violated because that is how I want to feel and I'm especially looking for signs of it in every moment of the scene. In my head, I amplify the violence and inhibit tenderness or pleasure.

I don't think that how I feel about being in ropes is universal. I've spoken to many models and basically each one of them had different ways of experiencing the ropes. For some it was a pleasure, for some it was an expression of love and devotion, for some it was a challenge and for others a means of torture. I think that I am the closest to the tortured ones, although it's not exactly that. Being in ropes makes me feel like a prisoner. Captured and helpless. It makes me feel completely without control. The violation is more that of my personal freedom and expression than of my body. I feel violated, because it feels like rope grabs all the emotions that are inside me and rips them out of me, to the outside world.

And even though I surrender to it, it's rarely a peaceful surrender. It doesn’t go without an inner fight. At some level, it always feels forceful and against my will. And that is another thing that Soptik doesn't find disturbing, while many do. That's why with him I don't feel like I need to soften my feelings and bring myself to enjoy what is happening to me. I can simply relax into the violence that is inflicted upon me and observe what it does to me.

Expression

Ropes make me feel a lot. I go through countless emotional states in one scene. From resignation to denial, to desperation, to devotion, to disagreement and finally, surrender. I can go through cycles of the same emotions repeating over and over or uncover a new and surprising emotional landscape unfolding in front of me as I go deeper and deeper.

And, somehow, I don't want to have these experiences alone. I don't want to go through them silently, buried deep inside of myself. Because it's my rigger who ignites these experiences in me and I want him to know what he is causing. I want him to know what I am going through. I want to move him like I am moved. That is why I let my body express what I feel. I want him to see and hear what's inside me. I want to talk to him with my moans and my silences. I express physically what can't be expressed with words.

Sometimes my expression is loud, sometimes it is subtle. There are things that are obvious and some that you can only understand if you are a very avid listener. It is always directed to my rigger, though. Somehow I have a deep need to be seen and understood by him. I think that that is what drives my need for outward expression. A need to be seen and understood.

In a rope performance, however, it is not only the rigger who reads you. It is also the audience. Contrary to what I expected, though, it didn't change much in my expression. I was, still, mainly trying to communicate with him and not with the audience. I wanted him and not the audience to see me. Not in the sense that I would rather be somewhere else, where the audience couldn’t see us. But in the sense that I didn’t think of the audience as a recipient of my message. They were not my target. He was.

That was during the performance. Afterwards, however, I realized how vulnerable such open communication and expression made me feel because it was in front of an audience. They had access to something very private and personal. They could see an expression of what is buried very deep inside of me. They could see the expressions of my emotions and feelings that I don’t necessarily want people to know about. Even if most of them, only Soptik could read.

I am not saying it as a bad thing. I don’t regret showing anything on the stage. What I am trying to say is that I was surprised how much it affected me. How much it costs to be so honest. I will keep expressing myself like that because I think that it is beautiful and it lets me experience something very profound in some ways. I will strive to stay honest in my expression because there is nothing else that is worth showing in my opinion. No matter what are the costs involved. But now I am more aware that there are costs.

Perversion and shame

One of the reasons why it makes me feel so vulnerable when people watch me in ropes is that I find my needs perverse. It's not that I don't accept them. I don’t wish that I was different. I don’t wish that I was not masochistic or not submissive. I think that both are beautiful and poetic and romantic and let me experience things that I could never experience not being like that. But I still don’t find it normal. I think that I am not normal. And showing it to other people, no matter how open-minded they are, hell, even showing it to my Dominant, makes me feel very vulnerable and in some way ashamed of myself.

I am not a proud pervert. A happy one, yes, but not proud. The lack of pride is definitely related to my kinks, which are, among others, shame, humiliation, degradation and abandonment. Feeling like what I am doing is sick enhances these feelings and adds to the experience. It is like with the Forbidden fruit, it tastes better when you are not allowed to eat it. I want to feel like it is not allowed to do what I do and then do it anyway. I don’t want to feel accepted. I want to feel like I am at the margin of society. I want to feel different and cast out.

Recently, I’ve participated in another great workshop from @Wildties, on what the Spirit of kinbaku is for him. One of the things that he mentioned about the Japanese models, is that for them ropes are deeply perverted. Even porn actresses, for which being stuffed with dildos, getting enemas and having the most twisted sex are their daily bread, in ropes feel like a ’fallen woman’. They often even use rope sessions as a way to punish themselves for what they do in their daily lives. They don’t do ropes to feel cool. They don’t brag about the scenes they’ve had. They keep it in the realm of true perversion, better not to be talked about.

I feel quite similar about doing ropes or my other kinks. Maybe not to that level, also because in an environment where I am, what I do is much more accepted. However, even within an open kink community I rather go for the less accepted and more risky types of play, like emotional masochism and deep and intense D/s dynamics, degradation and objectification. Because I always want to feel that thrill of being slightly sick. I don’t want to feel like what I do is acceptable and normal. I want to feel out of the ordinary and in some ways shocking.

That is also why it was so difficult for me to show it to people. Even though it wasn’t the first time when people have seen me being tied, also not by Soptik, but the fact that the spotlight was on us and that this time my perversion was clearly on display was very powerful.

The fact that Soptik could do anything to me and that I was willingly letting him do it, was to me on some level shameful. It is not what society teaches us to do. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient and fight for ourselves. There was no fight in me. I was allowing it to happen to me willingly. I was openly admitting how twisted I am. And it didn’t make me feel proud. It didn’t make me feel strong either. No matter how it looked on the outside, on the inside being in rope for me is my moment of greatest weakness. It is my moment of giving myself to the other person entirely. It is my moment of dropping all my boundaries, of a total loss of control. And the fact that I enjoy being so weak and miserable makes me feel perverted.

This performance made me realize a lot of things about myself and my approach to ropes and also made me realize better what is and isn’t me when it comes to rope bottoming. The same way as there are many styles of rope bondage, there are also many styles of rope bottoming. What I do is just one of the ways but I am happy to be able to see more and more clearly what my way is. In some ways how I approach rope is darker than for many others, I think. There is a lot of submission and masochism in it that are not necessarily essential to being a rope bottom. I also tend to go very deep and look for the emotional experiences much more than the physical ones. To me, that is where the true beauty of kinbaku comes from.

I don’t need everyone to accept or understand who I am, but I am happy that there are people who do and who can also appreciate my darkness. I hope that that performance was a glimpse into what I can be if paired with a rigger who can see and use my traits in the right way. To me, it was a spectacle of who I am as a model and who I am with Soptik and I am grateful to be able to show it to others. Even if I didn’t seem to be proud of it.

This song will always evoke memories of this performance in me:

Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio ‎-- Cocktails Carnage Crucifixion And Pornography Cd 2003. if you like Visit my Channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnROS...

What I want to experience in rope is You

I tie with different riggers who have very different styles, but there is a conviction amongst the people who know me that my prefered style of being tied in, is the more traditional Japanese rope bondage, let’s call it kinbaku (I realize that it is a vague term, but I think that most of the people reading this post will have some idea of what I mean). Therefore, often when I say that I enjoyed tying with someone who doesn’t fit into that box, I get very surprised reactions.

“What?! How come you enjoy tying with that person? They are totally not your style!”.

And I do understand their surprise partially. It is true that the aesthetics and emotional landscape of semenawa and kinbaku fit me like a glove and I love to be tied by people who practice those ways. It doesn’t mean, though, that this is the only way in which I want to be tied. It doesn’t even mean that this is my prefered way of being tied.

To me tying with people is not an à la carte menu choice where I pick the dishes that I like the most. Rather, what I want is an omakase experience. I want the rigger to show me what he or she has to offer. I want to experience them and not use them to experience what I have in mind. I come to each scene with openness and curiosity and not with a set of expectations or guidelines on what I want them to give me.

And because of that, the people that I like to tie with the most are the people who are true to themselves in tying, the people who have something to say, the people who are expressing themselves in rope and not trying to copy something that they’ve seen in somebody else.

That is not to say that you have to be extremely original in what you are doing for me to enjoy tying with you. Some styles fit some people perfectly and some classic ties are just a pure perfection that does not need any improvements. For me, it is not really about what you are tying but about how you are doing it.

Are you in the experience or is your mind elsewhere? Are you tying me because you want to connect with me or are you trying to prove something to someone (that someone possibly also being yourself)? Do you enjoy what you are doing to me? Do you do what you do because you truly want it or are trying to please me? Do you recognize that you are interacting with a person and that your actions have an effect on me? Are you enjoying and exploring that effect? Is what you are creating with me beautiful (in whatever sense of that word)?

These are some of the questions that I am asking myself (even unconsciously) to evaluate whether I enjoyed tying with someone and whether I want to explore our rope relationship further. No matter what style you tie in, the answers to these might be positive or negative.

Because the thing about rope for me (or any other form of D/s activity for that matter) is that it is a joint exploration. If I am stepping into those murky waters with you, it is because you made me interested enough about your personality to want to see what will come out of joining it with mine. It is not because I’ve seen you tie someone up and I want the exact same experience. I know that it is not possible, because I am not that person. And why would I want that anyway?

It happens sometimes that I observe someone tying and think “This is an interesting person to be tied by”, but it is not about the exact thing that they did to someone and it doesn't lead to my expectations of what he or she would do to me. My thinking is more in lines of ”Interesting that they did that to him/her. I am curious what would they do to me.”

It is not even about the fact that I am a different person so they wouldn't do the same thing to me as they did to someone else. Even if they did something to their partner that I enjoy with other people, I have no idea if I would enjoy it with them. I am different with different people and my limits and sources of pleasure also change depending on the partner. The only way to find out is to try.

So if I ever get to tie with you, it is not because you do Naka or Kanna or Yoroi style, not because you can execute one or another crazy transition and not because you tied that or another person. It is because there is something about you that makes me want to experience the things that you might have in mind for me. Or rather because I feel that you might have something in mind for me. It's because you made me curious about the taste of the mixture of our personalities. Because I think that it might be a taste that I've never had before. And you haven't either. And I'm dying to see if we are going to like it.

Going through a rope injury-induced existential crisis

What was bound to happen, has happened. I got injured when doing rope. It’s not your typical wrist drop, but some weird strain of the muscles in my shoulder, which in turn compresses my nerves. At least that is what the physiotherapist told me. The technicalities are beside the point of this writing though (although I do realize that it is an interesting topic in itself). What I want to talk about is how it makes me feel, because writing about stuff usually helps me get over it and in this case getting over it is highly advisable as I am going a bit crazy.

I feel like my body is betraying me

Rope makes you feel invincible in a way. When you get out of a difficult position that you’ve been able to sustain for much longer than you thought you would, you feel amazing. You feel strong and empowered. You feel like you can take anything.

The truth is that you don’t. Even if your mind doesn’t have limitations, your body certainly does. Right now I am feeling its fragility very acutely. And I hate it. I hate it because I feel stupid and incompetent. I feel like the injury is my failure. How could I not have felt it happening? How could I push myself beyond my limits? And why do I have limits? Why can’t I be able to just take anything that is thrown at me?

I have a strong and intimate relationship with my body. I love moving it and feeling it move. I love all the sensations that it is able to provide me with. I love using it to become stronger. I love yoga and dancing. I love to exercise and to feel my muscles working. And right now it is all gone.

I put it all on standby because currently, I feel like I don’t know my body at all. It’s like when you’ve been in a relationship with someone that you trusted for a really long time and suddenly that person betrays your trust. You start to doubt everything they do. I feel the same about my body now. And it is killing me.

I feel like I am betraying my body

On the other hand, my body is just a tool. It is me who commands it and I am aware that I haven’t taken good care of it. I wasn’t listening enough to it. I missed it’s crying for help. And the injury is the result of it.

And even now, although what I should be doing is taking care of it and tending to it, so that it can recover properly, I can’t get myself to do it. I don’t accept the injury. I am just waiting for it to be over, but I can’t get to love my body in this state. I can only love it when it is in perfect shape, otherwise, it’s a nuisance that I have to put up with. Which is the case at this moment.

I realize that it is a betrayal on my side. I shouldn’t be so harsh to it. I should love it for better and for worse. I should cherish it for the fact that it allowed me to do such crazy things as rope bondage for so long. And I should accept and love it also when it is not perfect. Also when it needs me, not only when I am needing it. But I just… don't.

I am afraid that I will never be able to tie again in the same way as I used to

And should I even? Isn’t doing rope bondage the way that I do it essentially an assault on my poor body? Is it a loving thing to do at all? Can I do it in a way that will not cause another injury at some point? And if I think I can’t, should I get back to it?

These are scary questions because I realize that I don’t want to stop doing rope. And I won’t. But at the same time, I don’t know if I will be able to feel loving towards myself and doing rope at the same time.
I definitely have self-destructive tendencies and I am hoping that kink and rope are a safe way to unwind them without being really self-destructive. But is it really true?

Lately, I've been trying to push myself less and to be more accepting of myself in general. And I am not sure if doing rope is really helping me with that. Or if doing it is just tending to my old overly critical and striving for perfection self.

On the other hand, maybe indeed I won’t be tying in the same way and it is good. Maybe I will start to listen to myself more. Maybe next time I will say stop before it is too late. Maybe I will become a tiny bit more cautious and I will be able to balance a bit better the need to push with pulling out when I need to.
The only thing that I really hope for is that I won’t lose my ability to let go and give myself completely to the experience. Because that would kill my modelling.

I am afraid that people won’t want to tie with me anymore

This is another thing that really worries me. Because I feel like I failed as a bottom for letting myself to be pushed too far. And why would anybody want to tie with a bottom who is a failure? Am I unsafe to play with? Will they trust me that next time I won’t let them injure me?

I do realize that the above worries are a bit overdrawn. People make mistakes and I am a person. It wasn’t only me who is responsible for the injury and with this reasoning I should also not want to tie with the rope top who caused it, which is definitely not the case. I don’t blame them and I see it as an accident and a lesson to be learned from. That's when I look at it from their perspective. When I look at it from my perspective, though, I feel like it was an ultimate failure proving that I am incompetent and risky.

Additionally, I am worried that I will become more cautious and because of that less fun to tie with. I know that caring for my safety is important and calling for the position to be changed or for the scene to end is nothing to be ashamed of. My rational mind knows it. My feelings, though, tell me something different in such situations. They tell me that I am spoiling the fun and that I am a disappointment. And that if I will want to quit, my rigger will find someone else who doesn’t and therefore is more fun to be around. I know that only an asshole person would do something like that and if they do, I probably shouldn’t tie with them at all. But still, my irrational worry is there to entertain my thoughts.

Doing mild things doesn’t satisfy me

My injury is only in my left arm, so I actually could still do many things in rope. I could practice leg ties with people, do mild floorwork, maybe even some suspensions as long as they don’t involve my arm.

It doesn’t satisfy me at all, though.

And here is where my perfectionism comes into play. Because I don’t want to be limited in any way. If I and my rigger can’t do everything that we might feel like doing, then I don’t want to do anything at all. I can either do all kinds of ties or none. There is nothing in between for me that I would find even mildly satisfying. If I can’t let go completely (and currently I can’t because of my condition) I don’t want to tie at all.
Additionally, I don’t want my rigger to have to adjust to my condition. Why should they? Why would they want to tie with broken me anyway when they have hoards of fit models that could do much better than me?

I know that in the reasoning above I miss the part that people who tie with me want to tie with me and not just tie a body. So they might be perfectly ok with tending to my limitations as long as we are doing something together. To me, it feels like I am failing them, though, and ruining their experience because of my limitations. And that they must be doing a favour to me by still wanting to tie, but they definitely are doing it out of pity and they aren't enjoying it.

On the other hand, maybe it is ok if I don’t want to tie until I am perfectly fit. If I feel like I am not able to enjoy it if I can’t let go fully then why should I force it? My way of bottoming is very intense and immersive and if I won’t be getting that intensity because of the injury, maybe it is better just to wait and get back to it on my terms.

I can’t come up with something that I could do that would make me feel like I am still developing even though I am not actively being tied

So here I am, rope-deprived, watching all the rope pictures passing by online and thinking about the times when I was in one of those positions. Wondering, when will I be back? Being envious of all the models with their healthy bodies developing their skills, while I am getting rusty and out of shape.

Since I started rope, I have been on a spree of self-discovery. Basically each session would teach me something new and exciting about myself, my body, rope or the connection with my partners. I’ve been tying 2-3 times every week (at least), I’ve been taking workshops and starting to teach myself. I’ve been tying with amazing people.

I felt like I am on a path of discovering what rope bottoming is for me and what can I bring to the table as a model. I’ve been beginning to feel empowered and like I am getting my own voice in rope. And now it all stopped. I haven’t had a proper rope experience for weeks now and I don’t feel like lab time and dry practice is teaching me anything in the realm that I am interested in. I feel stuck and I don’t know what to do about it.

Maybe it is one of the most important experiences that I’ve had in rope so far, though?

Falling in love for the first time is easy. You jump headfirst into the experience, oblivious to the possible consequences in the shape of disappointment and heartbreak that might be awaiting you. You immerse yourself fully in the feeling of infatuation, every second spent with your lover feeling like a blessing.

This is how my relationship with rope has been until now. It’s an amazing experience, but it doesn’t last forever. Sooner or later things get tougher, you break up or you go through a crisis. Sooner or later you get hurt by the person you love. And, ironically, it is often those moments that shape you the most. It is those moments when you gain the perspective and understanding, which in the end allow you to go even deeper. If you dare.

So who knows? Maybe it is one of the most important lessons that I am going to learn about rope. Being outside of rope. I can’t tell right now, because I am still in the middle of it, but I feel that it might be. Because so far things have been too easy for me. And ease is never a good teacher. Right now I definitely am in a sort of a crisis, which I hope is going to make me understand what I am doing in rope even better.
To me, there is much more meaning in opening up to someone, after you’ve been hurt. It’s a proof of courage and strength if you are able to open up your heart over and over again, despite knowing how it might end up.

Of course, each time it happens, you become wiser. Hopefully, you learn from your mistakes and you get to know yourself better and chose your partners wiser. But still, love is uncertain and the risk of heartbreak is always there. You either accept it and open yourself up to experience love fully again or you close and deprive yourself of that amazing feeling, but also prevent the possible heartbreak.

In relationships, I’ve always chosen for the first option. And I feel that in rope it will be the same. In time I will tie again and I will give myself fully again. Maybe, in the beginning, I will be a bit more cautious. And maybe I will learn that it is ok to be. And that my riggers still want to tie with me despite it. Or maybe because of it? Because they will be able to trust me even more? Who knows? Only time will tell.

Lessons from the Masters of kinbaku, Akira Naka Sensei and Iroha Shizuki

Disclaimer: I am going to refer to the rigger in a male form and to the model in a female form throughout this writing for the ease of formulating my thoughts, but of course the gender has nothing to do with the role and I am not trying to imply that it does.

Recently, I had the privilege to take part in a kinbaku workshop from Akira Naka Sensei and Iroha Shizuki for the first time. I can’t even express how grateful I am for being able to see and experience Naka-san and Iroha-san live, and to be immersed in the beauty that they created together during those three unforgettable days. I am sure that I won’t be able to put into words everything that I’ve learned during the workshop, but there are certain things that were really impactful for me, and I want to preserve at least those here.

Kinbaku is about climbing the mountain together

I think that this was the most important and beautiful message that I took from this workshop. Kinbaku and semenawa are really about going through the hardship together. It is not about torturing the model with your ties, but about evoking the beauty that is in her, using your ropes, and feeling with her.

It was really beautiful when Naka-san shared with us how difficult it is for him to hurt his models, how compassionate he is for them and how he is suffering together with them. Semenawa is not about sadism. The point of it is not to hurt your model. You can do it in many other ways. The point of semenawa is to experience the suffering together with your partner, in order to come out of it stronger. It is about being there for each other, both partners willing and open and vulnerable. Both attuned to the needs of the other. Both fulfilling different, but complementary roles.

Of course, when practising semenawa, the rigger inflicts pain and suffering on the model and they both must be enjoying that aspect as well. But it is about more than that. I think that the point of Naka-san was that even though it's all consensual and they both enjoy it, it doesn't make it less difficult to cause another person pain. You need to have compassion for the person that you are hurting, you need to be able to read them and get into their skin. Otherwise, you will simply abuse them.

During the performance of Iroha-san and Naka-san, you could really see that they are giving everything to each other. And how that moment makes them stronger. The moment when the suffering ended and Naka-san took Iroha-san in his arms was one of the rawest and loving gestures I’ve ever seen. I truly appreciate how open and vulnerable they were with us. They didn’t withhold anything. And I think that this is what makes them so unique.

It was really special, when the day after the performance, Naka-san was telling us how much he feels for Iroha and how practising kinbaku makes his love for her even stronger, and you could feel that he was actually insecure when talking about it. He really opened up to us, and even for him, one of the most respected masters of kinbaku, it was a difficult moment. To me, it was really touching and proved his honesty.

It’s not about the patterns, but about extracting the beauty of your model in every moment

In each exercise, Naka Sensei repeated that the point of the exercise is not to replicate the sequence that he tied, but to get inspired and then adjust it to your model. Every person and every body is different. He wanted riggers to learn to look at their models, get the pattern out of their head and really be there with the model, with her beauty, feel what this moment needs to make it special.

He did create patterns for the purpose of the workshop but in general, he doesn't think in terms of patterns. After the initial position was finished, it was really fascinating to see how he moved from there, observing Iroha-san, adding and changing lines, each time accentuating her beauty and only moving forward when he felt like what he created was the best what he could do in this moment.

I think that riggers often get carried away in their pursuit of a certain position. They focus on the tie itself and forget about the person in their ropes. They are more driven by the end-result then the process, missing the beauty of the moment and the unique opportunities that each model and each moment gives them.

Naka-san repeated endlessly not to force anything. He was asking riggers not to let their ego get in the way, but to tie to their abilities, as it will create a much better experience, both for the rigger and for the model. Also, Iroha-san mentioned how unfair it is that the riggers often make models feel guilty if they can't take certain ties that Naka-san created, while they definitely shouldn’t feel guilty. They are there for the riggers, willing to give them their body and to suffer for them. The riggers should appreciate it and make the best out of it. Especially because usually if the model can't take something, it more often than not is because of the riggers technique lacking. Therefore, they should be humble and look at themselves first, before judging and blaming the model.

There is no one definition of kinbaku

Naka-san stressed that for him kinbaku is very individual. Each person has their own approach to it and their own point of view. He ties what feels natural to him, but he doesn’t think that his way is the only true way. He might not understand or have a feeling for what other people in rope bondage are doing, but it doesn’t make it any less valuable. In the end, each scene and each encounter are unique and should be treated as such.

Another thing that he mentioned, and that was very interesting, is that there is no final destination in kinbaku. It is a never-ending process. And for each person the path is different, and the point where they will end up will be different. For him, as a professional, the road will definitely not be the same as for someone who does it as a hobby. And it is fine. Each person chooses their own path and should not try to get ahead of himself. It is better to enjoy the process.

Both the rigger and the model should be grateful to each other and respect each other

It's really amazing how humble and appreciative of the model Naka-san is. He kept repeating how the riggers should appreciate and be grateful to their models for letting them tie them up. That the models are not their slaves (even if sometimes they like to play that they are). They give themselves to the rigger out of their free will and they deserve respect and gratitude for that.

Iroha-san was also saying that the models should feel free to communicate to the riggers anything that feels wrong or puts them in a position that they don't like. They shouldn't force themselves into things that they don't enjoy, just to please the rigger. They should like what is happening to them. Otherwise, they will start to hate kinbaku after a while. As a model, your body and mind are in some way being abused and if you don't enjoy it in some way, then it might quickly turn into a trauma. Without open communication, there is no kinbaku. It's simply an abuse.

One time, when Naka-san was putting the first wraps of the TK on Iroha-san, he revealed that it's one of his favourite moments because he can be so close to the model that he can almost hug her. Then he started joking that maybe while for him it feels amazing, the model suffers, thinking that she wants that perv away from her. Then he told the riggers that they need to stay healthy and clean, otherwise, their models will really feel like that and will hate them. It was a joke but it shows how self-aware and humble he is. Even though he is one of the best riggers in the world and there are tons of girls who dream to be tied by him, he still cares about the impression that he makes and the comfort of the model.

Kinbaku can be a risky art and you should be conscious about the risks that you are taking

One day, Naka-san told us a story of the rope that he is using. How he was looking for weeks with different sellers to find the right kind of rope for kinbaku. How he finally found it with Ogawa, and how they became popular thanks to him. How some people are complaining about its smell, and that it's not suitable for tying people. How nowadays you can buy rope that is specially made for kinbaku. And how in his opinion the people who buy this kind of rope are missing the point.

Because kinbaku is not supposed to be normal. You use the ropes not what they were created for, and it's an essential part of it. You do something perverted, dirty. You transform ordinary ropes into your tool of torment for the model. In this way you build their history, you make them special because of the way you use them. You will not obtain the same feeling with ropes that are made especially for kinbaku. They are too proper, too ‘clean’.

There is no lying to ourselves, kinbaku and semenawa are perverse and they bear risks. More than that, the perversion and the risks are what makes them exciting and beautiful. They are at the core of the practice. If you tie in a way that is safe and comfortable then the spirit of kinbaku is gone. Because it should be difficult and painful. Your ropes should be abusing the model in some way. In the end, kinbaku is a D/s practice.
And sometimes you take risks for the sake of beauty. You tie less safely because it is more aesthetically pleasing. It happens and it's perfectly fine. But when it happens, both the rigger and the model should be aware of what they are doing. It should be a conscious risk-aware decision of both partners. And until you are able to assess all the risks, you should put safety first.

As a model, you surrender to the tie and the rigger

Semenawa is not a power struggle. Rather, it is an expression of the model's surrender. The moment you let the rigger tie you, you already belong to him. Once in ropes, all you can do is to accept your faith and to do it gracefully.

The ties in Naka-san style are difficult and painful. They can also be exposing and objectifying. It is not a kind of rope that you would do with everybody, the same as you wouldn't enter a D/s dynamic with everybody. If you (as a model) decide to tie in this style, you need to be willing to suffer for the other person, to give yourself to them. And for that, you need to trust that they are going to respect your gift and care for you.

In almost any form of rope bondage, the model is in the power of the rigger. She can struggle, but in the end, the rigger has all the control. But I think that the difference between overpowering rope and semenawa is a bit like the difference between doing CNC and D/s. In both cases, the bottom doesn't have any power. But while in the first case it's being taken away from her, in the other she hands it over willingly.
And this is one of the things that makes Naka-san’s style so alluring to me. It is such a beautiful and deep expression of a D/s dynamic that exists between the rigger and the model. It’s a kind of rope that you can’t do casually. It requires an absolute devotion from both sides. And an immense amount of trust.

Semenawa ties are meant to be really challenging. They are asking the model to give everything of her. Personally, I am not able to go so far if I am doing it for myself only. If I tie for the sake of beauty or to challenge myself, I can only go so far. But when I am doing it for someone else, when I'm suffering for my rigger, only then I can overcome my limits and truly surrender to the tie. The fact that I am doing it for someone else, gives me an additional strength to persevere and to enjoy my perseverance.

Lots of lessons learned during this workshop. It's so inspiring to see how one of the biggest masters of kinbaku and his model approach rope. The way they talk about it made me see many things more clearly and put others in a completely different light. Especially, because kinbaku is a part of Naka-san and Iroha-san's culture, seeing them and hearing about their approach really changed my perspective on this beautiful art.

I'm not Japanese and I will never experience being tied in a way that a Japanese person does. And that's ok. But still, I feel like one of the keys to understanding what it is that draws me so much to kinbaku is understanding the culture that it comes from. Therefore, I'm so grateful to Naka-san and Iroha-san, not only for sharing their approach to rope with us but also for being so open and vulnerable and sharing so many beautiful stories. This experience was definitely a milestone on my journey.

I can’t do casual, is that ok?

I am writing this because it’s a topic that I am struggling with for a while and I really feel like I need to hear some honest opinions about it. For those who don’t like long writings and are not interested in my personal struggles, you can skip to the questions at the end and a summary of the comments that I have received.

My struggles

Being in a kink community for a short, but intense while, I grew to realise that I am not really able to play casually. Or to do anything casually for that matter. I love the intensity and I hate mediocrity. In myself that is. I don't care what other people are doing. It's their life and their interactions. I think that everyone should do what makes them feel good. But I simply can't do things in a casual manner.

And right now I'm in a phase of deciding whether I think it's fair to expose others to my play. At least when it happens at more casual environments. Like rope jams. Because the moment that rope touches my body, I am lost. Especially when the scene is flowy, the rigger skilled and we have the right ‘click’. Then I become shameless in expressing my emotions. And there are lots of them usually. No matter the setting, I just can’t help myself. Everything else disappears and I stop having boundaries of what is ok and what is not. At that moment only the connection between us matters.

It's actually not only about rope. I have the same thing with tango for example. I don't really dance casually. The only time when it happens is when I make an unfortunate mistake when choosing a partner or when I am fulfilling a social obligation. And it always leaves me kind of disappointed. I just don't see a point of doing something without intensity, when there clearly is a space for it. It doesn't mean that I always put my entire self into what I'm doing. I do it only when my partner goes with it. When I feel that intensity is what he/she wants as well. If it’s not what they want though, then the chance of us playing again is low.

Coming back to the main topic. I can't do casual. Everything that I do needs some level of emotional intensity to keep me interested. Something that I can hold on to and build a story around. Something that will make me feel. And I need seriousness. I don't really like when things are funny and relaxed and playful. I need drama. And that's what I create when I interact with people. I realise that not everyone wants to be an audience to my spectacle. When we are together in one space though, they often don't have a choice. Any event that I take part in, you will see (but mostly hear) me moaning, gasping, squealing and screaming (if it comes to it). You will have to witness my joys and my struggles. And I realise that for a rope practice event, it might not be what people sign up for. I realise that for some it might be too much.

So I've been thinking… Should I stop going to casual social events and only stick to play parties? Is the way I do rope appropriate for a rope jam? I tend to be shamed quite a lot for how I react when in ropes. Usually, it's jokingly, but when you hear the same joke over and over again, you start thinking that maybe there is something else that people try to communicate to you, but are not comfortable saying it openly. For me tying is about sensuality and play. About the flow and emotions. You can incorporate it in basically every session and for me, it should actually be something that people practice. One thing is to learn to execute a tie correctly, another is to execute it while staying connected to your model and keeping the flow of the scene. But it's not what everyone is looking for in rope. Some people seek beautiful shapes or relaxation. Some people seek fun. Or something else that I have no idea of.

I would like to believe that it is possible that we can all co-exist in one space. Everyone doing their own thing that makes them happy. But maybe it is not the case? Maybe some ways of tying are just not compatible and should not be practised together? Maybe some people don’t want to be exposed to someone else’s suffering or arousal? And some people don’t want to be taken out of their rope space by a couple next to them explaining things to each other and laughing?

I enjoy going to rope jams, because I love to meet other people who are into rope and to share experiences. I enjoy having fun with my friends and I enjoy showing other people what I am going through in ropes. But maybe rope jams are not the right place for it? Maybe I should just stay away from those low key events and stick to play parties?

Questions that I need to ask

I truly am curious about honest opinions. And not only for myself but for other people who might be struggling with the same doubts.

• What is and what is not ok at a rope jam in your opinion?

• Is play an intrinsic part of every rope session for you?

• Can you and do you enjoy rope without a play element?

• Are you bothered by other people having a play session next to you (within reason) when you are having a casual practice time?

• Do you think there should be more or less play at rope jams in general?

• Why do you do rope?

I would love to and I hope to hear on these topics either in comments or in a PM. I would also love to hear on anything related to this writing that did not end in the questions list. And I hope to hear all kinds of feedback, not only reassuring stuff. I will try to summarize the comments and add it at the end of this writing so that other people can get access to it easily as well.

Update: Answers and comments

I’ve got a lot of feedback in comments, private messages and conversations, which is really great and I am very grateful for it. I tried to gather all the thoughts together in a summary and here it is:

• You are in a public space at a rope jam, so try to evaluate as good as possible the kind of people that you are sharing the space with and adjust the intensity of your play accordingly. Of course, keeping the rules of the place as a baseline.

• When there are more people who are new to rope at a rope jam, you might want to decrease the intensity of your play a bit. At the same time, some say that you should not do that too much, as then you attract people, who in the long run might not be the right match with the community. Not all newbies are scared by the intensity. Some are attracted to it.

• Mistakes happen inevitably when you interact with others. Especially when doing rope, which is very personal and can be intense, but at the same time, you share it with a lot of people in one space. As long as you try to minimize invading other people space and communicate, you are good.

• Tying in a space with other people around is not the same as tying at home. Sooner or later you will be bothered by others. Try to stay cool with it and minimize your disturbance and if you really find it too much, give feedback.

• Most of the people think that some play during tying is ok, some think that it is inevitable. As long as it rope-centered and not interrupting other people’s session.

• People approach rope differently, some enjoy the technical aspect more, some enjoy the play more, some both, depending on the circumstances. People also approach rope jams differently, some prefer to reserve play for private space and focus on practice and learning during rope jams and some want to practice their ties while being playful at the same time. In either case, they don’t mind others doing things that are more intense, as long as everyone is mindful of others.

• There is no one way of doing rope and seeing different people approaching it differently is inspiring and fun and desirable.

• Some people see the practice as being technical and rope-focused. Others want to practice connection and leaning in the experience. Tying your partner, while staying connected is an important skill that takes a lot of practice. That is one of the reasons why some always ‘play’ when doing rope. It requires a certain level of skill.

• As long as you communicate well to your partner what your reactions to rope are, it is more the responsibility of the top than the bottom how intense the session becomes. You should communicate beforehand if you are uncomfortable with something (like disturbing other people) but during the session, you have little control over your behaviour if the rigger knows how to trigger you. Keep that in mind during the negotiations, but don’t feel like it is your responsibility during the session.

• In general, the balance between play and no play at rope jams is usually good.

Most importantly, rope is amazing for a trillion different reasons. Keep enjoying it in your own unique way.

Lessons on pain, suffering and humiliation from Soptik and EisEve

Last weekend, Soptik and EisEve gave a performance followed by a 2-day intensive workshop at Ellipsis in Rotterdam. I attended both with high hopes and was not disappointed. In fact, I've learned way more than I expected.

The performance

Their performance left me speechless. I’ve heard that Soptik is a real sadist and I was prepared for an hour of enjoyment mixed with embarrassment while watching EisEve being tortured in his ropes. What I have seen was nothing like what I have expected. True, she was suffering for most of the performance, but mostly it was a spectacle of humiliation and objectification and a show of an intense D/s dynamic. And it was beautiful.

He started strongly by cutting open EisEve clothes and putting her in a partial involving only a neck rope, causing her to tiptoe and struggle for her life while he was tying a TK. He then put her in a series of transitions, each one slightly more difficult and exposing than the previous. She took them all gracefully. What was amazing to me was how intensely Soptik was focused on his model. He barely watched his ropes. His eyes were almost constantly fixated on her. And he was taking his time. He wasn’t hurrying from one position to another. Each position was a feast on its own and he was delighting in every little drop of EisEve suffering.

And she does suffer beautifully. From the first till the last moment of the performance, she was completely surrendered to him. You could feel that she would let him do anything to her. She was there at his disposal, surrendering completely to his ropes, with her eyes closed and her body relaxed. At the same time, she wasn’t lifeless. She was truly present and you could feel the intense emotions that she is going through.

At some point of the performance, Soptik gagged her with her own panties, which he previously cut open, and tied a white cloth around her mouth and eyes. Then he proceeded to draw a smile and a pair of eyes on the fabric. This was a powerful message of objectification. For me, it was like saying ‘Look at her, she is all mine. She will let me do anything to her. And I will execute this power.’ That really touched me. I rarely see such expressions of submission in rope performances, and at the same time, they are something that I really look for in kinbaku.

On top of everything, Soptik is an extremely skilled rigger. His moves were confident and fluent and each position that he put his model in was executed with great care and seemed simple, but was actually very complex. He was deliberate in creating shapes from EisEve body. And the shapes that he was creating were not always making his model beautiful. She was a material that he was forming according to his desires. And his desires were often to expose and objectify her. He ended the performance with a single point TK suspension, which was a very dramatic position, making the model resemble a hanged person. Another powerful message.

For me, the entire performance was comparable to that of Bingo, that I’ve seen in Paris, in terms of the intensity, skill and the qualities of kinbaku and D/s that it displayed. It left me extremely excited for the workshop.

The workshop

And the workshop didn’t disappoint. There was lots of pain and suffering, but most necessary, it was not without a reason. I think that the most important lesson that I have learned from it is that as a model you want to suffer in ropes for someone. If you see your rigger paying attention to you and enjoying what he is creating, it really makes it worthwhile to go through all the pain and discomfort.

Soptik kept repeating that for him every moment of the scene is important and that he wants to enjoy the model in his ropes as much as possible. Therefore, it is really crucial to pay attention to your model by learning how to minimize the amount of time that you look at your ropes when tying. You want to enjoy the model and the feelings that you evoke in her and for that, you need to pay attention to her, not the ropes that are on her body. They are just an object, they don’t have feelings. But your model does. And that is what you are after.

For me, it really does make a difference, because I treat my scenes as an emotional journey. I go through a spectrum of emotions when being tied and if the rigger does not appreciate them then I miss the point of doing it. I know that there are different reasons why people tie and this is not the only ultimate one, but it is for me. That’s why Soptik teaching resonated so much with me.

Another thing is that as a model, once I decide to tie with someone, I should be willing to suffer for them. That also means that I should try to overcome small nuisances, like a pinching rope, as long as they are not dangerous. In that way, I make sure that we can enjoy the scene and its flow with minimal disturbances. I learned that any time that I communicate to the rigger, I take us out of our headspace and we have to make a big effort afterwards to get back in. Therefore, it makes for a way better scene if I suffer through small discomforts, even unintentional, and only communicate things that I really important.

Finally, watching Soptik tie and interact with EisEve completely changed my views on D/s relationships. Throughout the workshop, he kept exposing and humiliating her, by for example casually exposing her breasts and crotch. Not for a moment though it made me think of her as weak or less a person than he is. (And that is how I usually feel when someone does something like that to me.) On the contrary, I thought that she is very strong and brave for being so vulnerable to him in front of us. I could also see how much she means to him and how much he appreciates her and I understood that even though there is a power imbalance in their relation, it does not mean that either of them is less valuable.

Some of you might say, ‘Duh...’, but for me, it was quite an eye-opener. So far, I’ve rather seen myself as showing weakness when expressing my submission to my boyfriend in front of other people. And now, when I saw how it might look from the outside, I don’t think of it as appearing weak anymore. I think that it is touching and beautiful. And both sides show strength by expressing it.

Our scene

As a culmination of this weekend, I experienced Soptik’s tying myself. And it was again both different and better than I expected. He asked me to tie because he really liked my expressions of suffering in ropes and I agreed because I could see that we have many common kinks and I expected that he would put me through an amazing journey. And he did.

I think that I have never experienced so much pain and humiliation at once given with so much intention and enjoyment. Especially by someone who I barely know. The way he was hurting me and the emotions that he was able to evoke in me by giving me pain made me re-evaluate how I see myself as a masochist. For a while now I have thought that I prefer emotional masochism over the physical one. And partially it is still true. Soptik made me realize what you can achieve when you combine the two. A mind-blowing experience.

I guess that there are not so many things that can make one as panicky and vulnerable as experiencing pain from which there is no escape. I am a masochist and I like pain, but only to a certain degree, and I am not even sure if my pain tolerance is that high. I can take quite a bit, but not without strong reactions and I only experience mild levels of very specific kinds of pain as pleasurable. The pain that he was giving me was definitely above my limits. But he overpowered me mentally and physically and made me feel like there is nowhere to go from it. He made me submit to the pain and to him and accept whatever he is giving to me. And that really changed my perception.

At some point, I started enjoying way more than I usually do. It seemed like because there was no escape, my mind decided that it is better for me to think that it is what I truly want. And then, for a submissive, there is something really special about letting someone torture your body and seeing them enjoying it. And he definitely was enjoying torturing me. It made me very confused because, on the one hand, I wanted the pain to stop, but on the other, you wanted to keep pleasing him. Also, he kept humiliating me. He twisted my body and exposed me. He tied my face and made me drool on myself and then smeared the saliva over my face. He slapped me and beat me and stepped on me. At some point, it turned me into a needy wimp and I just wanted him to be nice to me and caress me, but he kept only hurting and degrading me. That made me only more miserable and more submissive.

I was truly amazed by how much I can take from a complete stranger. He was my teacher for two days, I have seen him tie and we talked a bit, but there was not much more that I knew about him. I have always thought that degradation and humiliation are something that I can only do with someone that I have a deep relation with. But it turns out that it is not necessarily the case. I think that because I could see very clearly that it is something that he enjoys, I felt safe to enjoy it as well. To show my real self to him and let him take us on this journey.

At the same time, it was very different from what I experience with my partners that I have a deeper relationship with. I think that there was not so much emotional depth behind it and because of that, it was less (emotionally) dangerous. It was a very strong and pure D/s power exchange, but at the same time did not have the emotional loading of humiliation play that I have with my boyfriend for example. Having a deep relationship with someone definitely changes the angle of play, because he can hit you in more emotionally vulnerable places. And that requires way more aftercare that I felt like I need after this scene.

Here, I felt like a victim, first caught and overpowered and then slowly, by means of torture, turned into an obedient pet. It was really amazing and intense and at the same time very contained within the scene. I feel like rope is a great tool to create this kind of emotions. It makes you powerless and vulnerable and can cause a lot of pain. At the same time, it's not like cuffs or straps that only immobilize you. Your partner keeps on making you move, reminding you of the power that he has and at the same time putting you in a kind of trance. It's also very theatrical in a way which for me works great in putting my mind on an emotional journey. Since it is a non-verbal tool, the flow of energy is in a way purer and therefore might be stronger than when you use words, even though the exchange might be less intricate, as I feel like only more basic dynamics can be expressed without verbal communication. Still, you can achieve the intensity and experience emotional journey that is really special and hard to come across otherwise with such minimal tools.

My lessons

I can already see my boyfriend laughing at this one, but I think that I can safely say that this weekend was a life-changing experience for me. Or at least, it changed the way I look at many things.

First of all, I strengthened my conviction that what I am looking for and want to experience in rope is an intense D/s dynamic. I want to see suffering and submission. I want to see humiliation and eroticism. And finally, I want to see simplicity and beauty created by using the model as a canvas. And that is exactly what Soptik and EisEve showed in their performance.

Secondly, I’ve learned that the intention of both the rigger and the model can make or break the scene. On the rigger side, it is extremely important that he enjoys what he is doing to the model. And for that, he needs to pay attention to her. He should maximize the time that he looks and reads the model and minimize the time that his attention is on the rope. From the model side, she needs to have the intention to suffer for the rigger, to give herself to him for his enjoyment. That also means that she should try to not break the scene with every little pinch of rope on her skin. Sometimes it might be better to suffer through the discomfort, also unintentional, and see where the scene goes than to break the flow.

Thirdly, I learned to appreciate and respect the submissive role way more. I realized that it requires strength and vulnerability to be able to submit, but that the same goes for the dominant. Even though there is a power imbalance in a D/s relation, there is no value assigned to either of the sides. They are both equally strong and brave and beautiful. And there is something truly magnetic in observing a couple with a strong D/s dynamic. Like watching two elements both fighting and needing each other to exist.

Finally, I’ve learned that rope is a perfect tool for creating intense and complex D/s scenes, even between people who don’t know each other that well. You can degrade, scare, torture, humiliate, give and take hope, caress and evoke many more feelings, using only rope. At the same time, the dynamic is very contained within the context of the scene and the strong power exchange that you experience does not have to exist outside of it. This made me appreciate rope even more and it might have made me more open to tie with new people.

Thank you Soptik and EisEve for teaching me so much about rope, D/s and myself. It was a truly deep experience and I can’t wait to learn from you again.

On one performance that embodied the essence of kinbaku to me

Recently I've had a privilege of watching Bingo Shigonawa performing live. Coincidentally it was also my second proper rope performance that I have seen (first one being Benoit Descordes & Human Chuo right before him). I was extremely excited and I expected an amazing experience. What I did experience, exceeded my expectations by far. It was not only beautiful and intense, but it also made me realise what kinbaku is for me and what exactly draws me to it.

Intensity

When I was watching Bingo tying his model, I could see that they're in a sort of trance. His focus was all on her and her focus was all on him. To the point that she was twitching each time when he touched her. I've heard some people saying that Japanese models exaggerate sometimes and are too theatrical. From my own experience that is not the case. If I have a great connection with someone, they can put me in this intense trance-like state when everything I experience is intensified tenfold. I am a sucker for intense experiences. When I am tied, I want to be all in and I want to cross my boundaries. I want to get lost in the experience that he/she is giving me and forget about everything else that is there except for being in their ropes.

Eroticism

Bingo was tying and touching his model in a clearly erotic way. He didn't touch her vagina but he was touching other parts of her body and tying in such a way that he made her aroused. For me that was a big part of the show that made it so exciting. It was hypnotizing to watch him play with her and make her more and more excited.
I get turned on when I am tied up. A rope scene involves so many elements that I find hot that it is basically impossible for me not to get aroused. At least when done well. In its essence, Japanese bondage is an erotic activity. A special, subtle and beautiful one, but still erotic. And I love it’s sensuality. It doesn't mean that I want it to grow outside of ropes or that sex is the end goal. But I do want my scenes to involve some level of eroticism or sensuality.

Shame

I don't think Bingo exploited it in particular, but you could definitely see that his model did not feel comfortable and confident being exposed and tortured in front of all these people. She kept looking down and closing her eyes and was not engaging with the audience. And I loved that.

Apparently, for many westerners shame play is hard to grasp, but I identify with it strongly. Even though in general, I might not be a person who is ashamed of her body or her sexual needs, there is a certain mental place where I become that person. I actually love to be there and play with it. When I feel very submissive I immediately become more self-conscious and way easier to embarrass. And I love when the rigger plays with it, exposing me to the audience and taking my mind and body apart and showing all the pieces to them one by one with me having no control over it. Of course, part of me wants all those things that the rigger is doing to me, but while in the subspace I genuinely feel embarrassed about it. Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing that programmed my head to find sex and pleasure shameful. Or maybe something else. Whatever it was, I am extremely grateful for it, as it makes shibari and sex so much more intense and exciting.

Dominance and Submission

Bingo's model was clearly submissive to him and that is what made their interaction so beautiful to watch. I don't know if this dynamic existed also outside of the scene, but in the scene you could see that she belonged to him entirely.

For me there is no way of doing rope without submitting to the rigger. Or maybe there could be, but I don’t want to take that path? I want to feel like I belong to the rigger and that they can do whatever they want to me. I want to be at their disposal and to lust their touch when all they give me is a touch of the rope sliding on my body. And I want to please them by making myself beautiful and by suffering through all the complicated poses that they put me through. I want to do it for them and I want to gain their approval and be appreciated. This dynamic is for me the essence of kinbaku. Total submission and revealing of my deepest parts to the rigger.

Suffering

At some point Bingo hung the model upside down with her knees brought close to her chest by the rope and her ass exposed for blows. He took an object that looked like an intricate shoehorn and started hitting her, each time evoking a loud scream. When he finished, he turned her butt cheeks towards us and revealed bloody red and purple bruises. This was an intense moment. It made me both in awe of her and at the same time a bit disgusted with myself, enjoying it. I think that he made us all feel like perverts. She was clearly suffering and it was beautiful in a terrifying way. There is a beauty in watching a person endure a torture and persevere.

As a masochist, I enjoy pain. But it is not really the pleasure of pain that I'm after in rope. I want to be challenged and put on the verge of breaking. I want to be tortured while helpless and endure it for the rigger and for myself. I want to be put in more and more challenging positions and I want to be left in them until I reach the point where I can't take it anymore. I want to amaze my rigger and make him/her proud. I want to feel strong and invincible afterwards. I want to be broken and then repaired.

Beauty

There are so many aesthetically appealing elements in the Japanese rope bondage that I don't even know where to start. The colorful intricate kimono slowly revealing more and more of the naked body, the impossibly unnatural poses that the body is forced into by rope, the meticulous precision of the rigger applying rope on model's body and playing her emotions like an instrument, the visual beauty of the body canvas covered in white cloth, beige rope and red wax. All that was in Bingo's performance.

At some point towards the end of the performance, he hung the model by the ankle, revealed her inner thighs and poured streams of red wax over one of them, making it drop on her hand. His moves were deliberate and composed, while the model was screaming and squirming under his touch. You could see a range of emotions passing through her. It was such a beautiful view, it was like a fleeting piece of art unfolding right in front of your eyes. It made me think that in this way rope definitely is an art. Not only in visual terms, but also in terms of the emotions that it evokes in the audience. The aesthetic beauty without the emotions would be empty.

The show of Bingo was a quintessence of what draws me to the Japanese rope bondage. The intensity, eroticism, shame, dominance and submission, suffering and beauty combined together make for a mixture that is hypnotizing and irresistible. And I just can't help but want more of it.

On tango and rope

I am in an early stage of rope addiction. As a seasoned and experienced tango addict I can recognize the signs. Obsessive looking for all kinds of information on the topic. Reading and watching videos for hours. Practicing extensively, even if it involves travelling to different cities. And at the same time, feeling like there is never enough and you will never become as good as your role models.  

It was during my regular browsing through fetlife resources on rope bondage, when I stumbled upon this commentary by Gorgone to an article from Kinkyphilia 'About being a rope bunny'. Both of them stirred up a lot, and also made me realize how many similarities there are between the Argentine tango and the Japanese rope bondage. I am a beginner in the world of rope bondage but have years of experience as a tango follower. Therefore, I felt like sharing some of my insights that I think apply to both. Most of the things here are written from a 'bottoming' perspective and are my own subjective opinions and observations and I don't claim them to be the ultimate truths. 

So let’s start with the obvious.

There is a leader and a follower

First similarity that comes to my mind is quite straightforward. Both in tango and in rope bondage there is a leader who decides what is going to happen, and a follower who either submits and follows the lead or breaks the 'flow'. 

Even though it might seem that the role of a follower is very passive, it actually should not be. A passive follower, even following the lead most dutifully, is not able to create a beautiful dance, because he or she is not emotionally involved in it. As my tango teachers have taught me, the leader frames the dance, but the follower fills it up with meaning and emotion. 

I think that it is very true in tango and the same holds for rope. The rigger ties you up and puts your body in certain positions, but it is you who allow yourself to feel the emotions that the rigger is invoking in you and it is you who connects in them with your rigger.

They involve a deep intimate connection with another person

Both in tango and in rope bondage you are in a close physical and emotional contact with your partner. That involves being open and vulnerable to the other person. It also involves a willingness to connect coming from both sides. Even with the greatest and the most experienced leader, if you don't like him as a person, you will not dance beautifully. It holds even more for rope as you allow your 'leader' to have way more physical and mental control over you.  

This is something that I have not seen much when it comes to bottoming advice, but I find it very important. When you consider tying with someone, do not only look at the level of their skills, but also if you connect with them as a person. I think that many times you can have way better experience with a person who is maybe less skilled, but who you have a better connection with. Maybe he or she will not make you float in the air in the most fancy way, but you will be able to get lost in the connection that is between you two and you might experience intense and deep emotions that you would not experience with a person that you are not willing to be emotionally close to.

They require skill and are physically challenging 

Tango and rope are complex creative activities that require time, effort and dedication to master. Therefore, they attract a kind of people who are driven and passionate. To me this is one of the things that makes them so appealing. 

On the other hand, it might also create a social environment, where your rope or tango skills are a measure of your social value as a person. This can be difficult and painful sometimes, especially if you are a beginner trying to make your way in a new community. It is good to remember about it as a more experienced person in order to keep the community open and friendly. But also as a beginner remember to remind yourself that your skills are not what defines you as a person.  

Another thing related to this topic is that you can sometimes get lost in perfecting your technique and forget about the feelings that are actually at the core of the activity. I haven't experienced it with rope yet, but in tango I had a period when I was so focused on my body, the movements that I make and fixing my mistakes that I would forget about the connection and being 'in the dance'. Sometimes you have to make an effort to get out of your head and stop thinking about what you want to improve in order to just be in the moment and enjoy what is happening. 

On the other hand, this ability to get lost in the moment and feel together with your partner increases greatly with your skill, so you have to find a sweet spot. What works for me is to differentiate between the time for practice when you try more difficult things, observe and correct yourself and your body and the time for enjoyment, when you do less challenging things, you get lost in the connection with your partner and stop thinking about the technique. Thanks to that, I am able to enjoy where I am now and appreciate what I love about the activity, instead of constantly focusing on what I want to improve. I guess that in rope, the same as in tango, the journey never ends, so it is important to appreciate where you are now.   

They are coming from a certain culture, but are currently practiced and taught all around the world

This, in my opinion, is one of the reasons why the articles mentioned earlier differ so much in their views. Both tango and rope bondage are a part of a cultural heritage of a certain nation but they grew beyond that. This causes clashes between traditionalists and people who grew up in this culture and people 'from the outside' who learned the technique out of their interest, but are not as attached to the tradition. The views that both of the groups have on certain aspects of the activity can differ dramatically. To be honest, I do not take either of the sides, as I think that they both bring value.  

I have danced with people from many countries and I must say that with no other leader have I experienced a level of connection as deep as with Argentine dancers. They just feel natural and truly in their element when they dance. Therefore, when it comes to feelings and connection I try to listen to the people who come from the country of origin of the art that I want to master, even if I don't agree with everything they say. They usually have very valuable insights and let me go back to the roots and re-think the ideas that I've built up so far. 

That was the reason why the article from Kinkyphilia about rope bottoming was so inspiring to me. Even though they might have strong and dismissive views on some aspects, I look beyond that and let them remind me what is at the core of rope bondage. That I don't want my rope experience to be predictable. That I want to get lost in it. I want to feel at the mercy of my rigger and to overcome my own boundaries. For me this is exactly what makes for a deep rope scene.  

On the other hand, I think that people who did not grew up in the culture of origin bring a fresh look and ideas to the table. They are able to re-think and improve many concepts that are too inherent to the art for the people who grew up with it, to even spot their existence. From my tango experience, the new wave of teachers (sometimes also from the country of origin) often had a more analytical look at the technique and sometimes also taught people in a more effective way. Instead of giving you just a few tips and leaving you to figure out on your own how to achieve something through years of practice, they would show you in steps how to do it. They also shared their secrets more easily. 

Another thing is that the 'new wave' did not share the traditional gender stereotypes that the art was rooted in, but rather thought beyond that for ways to empower both roles and learn about their value. Therefore, I embrace fully the empowerment of rope bottoms that Gorgone is advocating for and I think that it’s great that there is so much more focus now on safety and skill of the bottoms.  

Summing up, there is a surprising amount of similarities between the Argentine tango and the Japanese rope bondage, not only in the techniques themselves but also in the way that the communities around them are formed and in the way that both of these art forms develop. I only named a few of the common things here. I also feel that practicing both of them at the same time enriches my experience and lets me look at each a bit differently. Finally, as a practitioner of an art coming from a certain culture I try to honor it and learn as much as possible from the people who grew up with it as it lets me to connect to the core of that practice. At the same time, I also try to think for myself and see where the value is in the tradition and where it is too rigid and limiting and I should move beyond it.