On how Akane-san gave us everything she had

Recently, I had the pleasure to participate in an unique rope event, Onawa Asobi festival in Antwerp. Originally organised by Yoi Yoshida in Tokyo, Japan, this year it was brought to Europe as a joint effort of BeShibari, shibarista_jesss and Yoi-san.

The idea of the festival is to bring together amateur and professional Shibari enthusiasts and to allow them to present to the audience their way of practicing rope. In 2 days, 14 performances, 30 minutes each, were held during the day, while in the evenings free tying took place during ropejams. The diversity of performances was overwhelming and each of the participants showed us their own way of practicing shibari with heart and dedication. It was eye-opening and very inspiring to see how versatile a tool rope is, and how many different aspects are there to enjoy about it.

There was one performance that left a particular imprint on me and I would like to write about it here. To me it was a perfect illustration of something that I have felt strongly about for a while now and that I feel that is not necessarily talked about enough.

The power that the model has in moving the audience. And the effort and hard work that they put in to be able to do so.

The performance

The performance that I am going to write about was the one of BeShibari and Akane-san. BeShibari is a well known rope artist, teacher and event organiser from Antwerp. Akane-san is one of the most famous Japanese models, being a model of Yukimura-san and Naka-san among others. I'm embarrassed to say that despite this fact I haven't heard about her until this event. This proves my own ignorance of course. But it's also, I think, an illustration of the general tendency in our European community to be much better informed about the riggers than about the models.

It started with Akane-san lying on the floor on her side with her face towards the ground. Already this starting position was indicative to me of her readiness to give, to be sacrificed. Then the chest harness was tied on her not by BeShibari, but by his partner, Shibarista_jesss, which was an interesting and unexpected twist. It felt as if Akane-san was being prepared by Jess, like a prisoner is before their execution, to face her faith that was awaiting her at the hands of BeShibari.

During this first part of the session Akane-san had certain difficulties breathing, you could hear that she had a slightly runny nose and she was struggling to remain in the moment and not focus too much on this nuisance. It is possible, although this might just be my projection, that this actually caused her to go even deeper within herself because she needed to dig further in order to overcome this physical inconvenience and really allow the ropes to penetrate her. Whether that was really the case or not is beyond the point, though. What is the point is that she did go very deep and her total openness and surrender to the tie that came after left me speechless.

I can’t even recall the positions that she had been put in, I remember that they involved a futomomo and a chest harness but that is about it. Because the positions were not at the center of this performance to me. Her sharing with us her vulnerability was. It is hard to pinpoint what exactly gave me this feeling, but I could feel that she surrendered fully to the tie and her faith. She was not trying to escape the pain and struggle, she was not trying to deflect, fight or hide away from it. She was living it fully, to the last drop. And she was showing it all to us.
Some people admire the strength or physical beauty in the models, some people admire their calm or serene way of taking ropes.

I admire vulnerability. I admire the ability and willingness to submit to the hardship and being honest in your expression of it. I admire the ability to open up completely to the ropes, to allow yourself to be free in captivity, to express everything that is inside of you. Let every feeling and every sensation out in the open. I admire the willingness to admit your struggle, to admit your weakness, to allow the ropes to penetrate and transform you. And all this is to me what Akane-san has showed to us.

Seeing her opening up to us, seeing her bare and exposed in front of us, seeing how much she can give and her actually doing it has brought me to tears. With her catharsis in ropes, I went through my own small version of it.
She's moved me, she's made me feel and that to me is one of the main qualities of an artist. Make people go through something with you, take them on an emotional journey, make them feel or reflect. I think that there is no real art without vulnerability, without the willingness of the artist to expose themselves to the spectators. And while I don’t want to take away the importance of BeShibari in creating the space for this beauty and depth to unfold in front of our eyes, it would not happen without the readiness of Akane-san to give it all to us. In that sense Akane-san is definitely an artist to me and with this performance they proved that kinbaku is an art.

Afterthoughts

As a model myself I seek other models that could serve as a role model and inspiration to me. I seek proofs that, despite of what the perception of model's role in the bondage scene nowadays is, our role is essential, inevitable and important. That we are not interchangeable. That we contribute to the tie and to the scene. Because I believe that no matter how remarkable the rigger is, without an equally giving and remarkable model, the tie is not going to shine. And with a remarkable model even simple bondage holds depth and beauty. Because it's depth and beauty that fills it in.

You could say that I have no reason to complain because actually the role of the model in bondage seems to be gaining more and more recognition nowadays. It's important, however, to investigate what is that recognition given for. Is it because they're young, beautiful, flexible or physically strong? These are all admirable traits, but the problem with them is that they are all pretty much inborn and are not something that one can aspire to or can improve upon (at least not to a great degree). So their admiration is happening more in terms of awe than a source of inspiration and empowerment. But maybe there is something else that the models can be recognized for? Not something that they've been born with but something that they've worked on and developed and that can be a source of teaching and inspiration to other models? I believe there is.

I believe that there are many ways in which an experienced and skilled model contributes to bondage and I would love seeing more credit being given to them for it. Not only seeing their beauty and physical strength, but the power of their mind, their readiness to open up and be vulnerable, their ability to engage with the ropes and with their partner and their fluency in receiving and being in ropes.

These are all difficult to master and admirable qualities that any model can develop through hard work and practice. To me they are more praiseworthy than beauty or strength because they're something that takes perseverance and effort to master. And I think that that effort is really visible in the tie.

To me, watching Akane-san in ropes was a source of great inspiration and learning. Not only because she was beautiful but because what she showed to us was a display of her mastery. She showed me something that I, as a model, can aspire to. She made me want to practice modelling so that one day I can go on the stage and give as much as she did and maybe also make someone in the audience go through a journey with me. I hope that it's not only me who sees it that way and I hope that through events like that our sensibility and appreciation of kinbaku will grow not only in terms of rigging, but also modelling abilities.

This event was not only a display of different styles of tying, but also of different styles of being in ropes. Some might say that it's something obvious to say but I feel like it's not, and I feel like it's time to recognize the models for the effort that they're putting into being in ropes. Not simply praising each of them for showing up but recognizing and appreciating what they actually put in. And learn from the ones who inspire us the most.

Thank you to all the organizers, performers and the rest of the participants for this great event. Thank you for filling my weekend with unforgettable moments. Thank you for making me feel and reflect. I hope that we will all learn from this great experience.

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.3 The most important question

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote the others, I do it based on my memory and understanding. The participants consented to me writing an account of our discussion, however they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below, however, I want to acknowledge that it wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

This is the third and the last of the articles that resulted from a round table discussion which I moderated during the last EURIX in the Fall of ‘19 and in which Anna Bones and Saara Rei were my main interviewees. The first one was centred around the topics of empowerment and authenticity of rope bottoms. The second one circled around being part of a community and how it impacts our practice. In this one, I summarize the insights from asking the participants a question that to me was the clue of the entire discussion and the one that I was leading towards. 

“What was your mindset and prerequisites for the best rope scenes that you’ve had?”

It was so important to me to ask this question because I believed that it will shift our discussion from theorizing about what is and isn’t important in bottoming to an empirical analysis that will be based on tangible experiences. In the end, the goal of both partners in rope is to have an amazing session. I wanted us to realize how much we as bottoms contribute to that outcome because I believe that we do. I believe that it is not only the rigger who is giving us amazing experiences but it is also us who can facilitate it. And that our good experience impacts our partners as it translates into the beauty of the tie and their involvement and enjoyment. I was hoping that the answers of the participants will give more substance to my beliefs in this regard. And they did.

First and foremost, embrace all the experience

What turned out to be the most important mindset that can make or break our scenes according to the round table participants was the readiness to embrace all the experiences in ropes, and especially the negative ones. It should not have come as a surprise to me as it was perfectly aligned with my intuition about what makes for the best scenes, but it did just because of how strong and unanimous this observation was among the participants. 

Both Anna Bones and Saara Rei (and I join them here) indicated that the most important bottoming attitude that brought the best scenes to them was being open to all the experience, not only looking for and expecting positive emotions but embracing and welcoming everything that comes.

Rope bondage by its nature evokes a lot of negative feelings, fear, pain, panic, helplessness, resignation, sadness, loneliness and rejection, just to name a few. If you close yourself to these, you close off to most of the experience that might be awaiting you in a session and your scene can become quite superficial. On the other hand, if you open up to the negative feelings, if you allow them to fill you up, to speak through your body, it can be a transformative and even cathartic experience.

It is easier said than done, though. You need a lot of courage to show up for all the emotions and bodily sensations that a rope scene might ignite in you. To not shut off your feelings but to take them on and truly experience them. Being able to do that does not come easily. It requires conscious practice and an open and investigative approach. And there are certain conditions that we touched upon in our discussion that can make it easier for that openness to happen.

The importance of trust

Time and again the notion of trust was coming up. Rope bondage is an activity in which the bottom hands over the power over their body and their safety to the rigger. It seems obvious that trusting the person who you give such power is essential. However, this common-sense notion is not always practised among the bottoms, especially among beginners. 

And it is understandable. When I began getting tied, I wanted to do it as much as possible. Just getting into ropes was way more important to me than who's ropes they were. I simply wanted to feel the ropes squeezing emotions out of me as often as I could. Over time it has changed, though. From my own experience, and as I’ve learned during the round table also from the experiences of others, the longer you tie, the smaller the frequency and amount of people that you want to get tied by. And that is not because over time we become elitist and only want to tie with the best or the most famous riggers. Rather, we learn to tie only with people whom we truly trust. And unfortunately, they are not so easy to encounter.

Reasons for trust can be multiple. It can come from knowing the person well, it can come from their skills, from recommendations of other people who you trust, or simply from having a good feeling about the person.

Different people have different means to decide whether they trust to get tied by someone or not. Saara Rei, for example, mentioned among others that she never gets tied by a new person prior to seeing them tie and being able to assess whether they are tying safely according to her standards (for example, locking the tsuri lines properly). I usually don’t consider tying with a new person unless I have spoken with them a couple of times and I feel like I have a good feeling of what kind of person they are. 

No matter what your way to make up your mind about trusting a person is, one thing is certain, getting tied by someone who you don’t trust is a recipe for a bad scene. In the most optimistic scenario.

The importance of clear communication

A statement that clear communication is important in rope bondage sounds like a terrible cliche. Despite that, I am still not sure if we are fully aware of how many aspects of a scene are influenced by the quality of the communication between the partners. 

It is often the case that the crucial part of the communication is taking place before the actual scene. Many participants indicated that having a feeling that their partner is seeing and hearing them prior tying was indicative of how good the scene was going to be. Two things are important to achieve that. First, it is important to be able to communicate your needs clearly and assertively. Second, we need to have trust towards the partner that these needs will be listened to.

To be able to communicate our needs, we need first to know what these needs are. Seems trivial but it is far from that. Communicating one’s needs does not necessarily mean giving a specific scenario that you want your scene to follow. It might also mean expressing that you want your partner to take you anywhere they want and that you are aware of the risks involved. That you are aware that they might accidentally cross your boundaries and you are willing to deal with the consequences. Without the latter statement, you should not count on your partner to truly let go and give you the experience that you desire. As long as they are a decent human being, they will be too afraid to hurt you unintentionally. 

It is also important to communicate your expectations in terms of the emotional intensity that you are looking for. one of the participants indicated that for her being attuned in these terms is one of the most important ingredients for a great scene. For example, I usually go quite deep in my scenes and I also usually get sexually aroused in rope. As great as it might sound, it might not match with what my partner is looking for. It is better to communicate it beforehand and if your expectations don’t match, simply don’t do rope or do it another day when your moods are more aligned. 

Getting to know your body is essential to go deeper

A very important point was raised by another participant who indicated that for her, getting to know her body in ropes, understanding it, is a key to be able to go deeper. This remark was a good wake up call for all of us after we’ve spent a lot of time talking about the emotional experiences, mindsets and feelings in ropes and it seemed like we almost forgot that rope bondage is a bodily activity.

Any mental state that we achieve, we achieve through our bodies. Forgetting about the physical experience in ropes and focusing solely on the mind, misses a bigger part of the practice.

There are many different ways to learn your body in ropes, I believe. For example, you can learn the theory of anatomy and body mechanics. You can try to understand what is happening in ropes to your body and base your feeling of safety on your knowledge and understanding. You can learn to actively protect different parts of your body depending on your conscious actions and execute that protection whenever you feel you should. 

You can also learn your body in ropes more intuitively, not by analysing what is happening to your body on an anatomical level but rather trying to simply feel whether what is happening is right or wrong. I believe that by progressively putting yourself in slightly more difficult positions or observing how different ties of different people feel, and by trying to remember what felt good and safe without necessarily analysing it in detail in your head, you can also learn your body in ropes pretty well. You won’t be able to describe exactly what is happening to you, but you will be able to tell whether you are safe. 

One way or another, treating rope as a bodily practice and learning your body in ropes is essential if you want to go deep. 

Some things come with experience

All skills that I've listed above are very important and maybe even essential if you want deep and satisfying experiences in ropes. And like any skill, they require time and practice to develop. That does not mean that you can’t have great scenes at the beginning of your journey, but simply that the better you get at the things mentioned, the deeper your experiences will become. And there is nothing wrong with that. This actually is where the beauty of rope bottoming is for me and the reason why I feel that I will never get tired of it.

In the beginning, everything is new and exciting. You want to tie with everyone, you want to experience every style. You do not have much understanding of what you are doing, though. You do not truly understand the risks. You do not know why you want to be in ropes. You do not feel comfortable in ropes. You experience a lot of excitement, fear, panic, pain or arousal but you can’t go much deeper. Your body and mind are too alarmed for that.  

With time you develop depth in your bottoming. You become a more aware and full persona in bondage. You build a repertoire of experiences that you can provide to you and your rigger. You are comfortable enough in ropes to begin to experience deeper and more complex emotions. Your mind is not in a state of constant panic anymore and you learn how to manipulate your mental states in ropes, how to play with them and how to express yourself. 

Also, with your growing experience, your partners can push you more and more. They can tie you more intensely because they know that you are aware enough to take part of the responsibility. They can trust that both of you have the same level of knowledge to be able to understand the risks involved and therefore the responsibility for your experiences is more equally distributed. 

With practice, you also learn how to deal with things when they go wrong. You learn what you need before and after the scene, for it to go well, you learn to make informed decisions about your partners and the circumstances for doing bondage. And you can inform your partners better on how to take care of you and provide both of you with a great experience. Over time, you also learn what you can and can’t do. You learn your body, its ability, its strong and weak points, and you are able to communicate them to your rigger. 

Experience makes you also become calmer in ropes. More composed. You learn how to express and communicate without words. You learn to recognize what is and isn’t safe. Thanks to that, your scenes can become longer and more fluent and you and your partner can start to experiment more. As Anna Bones said, at the beginning of your bottoming education you need to learn how to communicate verbally in ropes. How to talk about your experiences to your rigger. 

As you grow in your bottoming, you learn how to communicate less with words and more with your body and facial expressions. You begin to fill ropes with your expression and speak to your rigger with your reactions. You stop talking because you begin to feel and express the unspeakable. It is not anymore about safe or unsafe, painful or comfortable. It becomes a matter of whispers, murmurs and subtleties. The depth of your breath and twitch of your feet. The expressions of emotions that can’t be named.

I hope that reading this article makes you at least partly as inspired as listening to and discussing with the participants made me. I believe that we came to beautiful conclusions about what it is that we do in ropes as bottoms, why we love it and how can we facilitate ourselves and our partners in having even better and more enriching experiences.

Rope bondage provides us with a special space where we can explore the areas of our body and mind which are usually unexplored. It allows us to go to places which people don’t visit in their everyday lives. These places are often dark and scary but facing them with a mature mind, heart and body and with a trustworthy partner by your side can lead to truly cathartic experiences. 

And as much as becoming a good rigger takes years of relentless practice, I believe that becoming a fully developed bottom can take years of practice as well. Not technical empirical practice as it is in case of tying, but working with your mind and body to open up and to persevere, grappling with oneself and one’s fears and teaching your body to accept and adjust to the extreme conditions that you put it through. Finally, being a good bottom also means knowing oneself extremely well and being able to communicate about it. It means knowing how to recognize the people who are worthy to put your life in their hands and being able to let go and truly give it to them when they are.

I am not saying that every bottom should take on this path and I am not saying that those who don’t are not worthy of admiration. The sheer fact that you show up for a scene should be enough as long as its enough for your partner. There is no better or worse here. But what I am trying to say is that there are things in bottoming practice that are truly difficult and require mastery. And that the results that one gets from working on them are tangible and worth putting in the effort. 

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.2 The community

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote the others, I do it based on my memory and understanding. The participants consented to me writing an account of our discussion, however they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below. However, I want to acknowledge that it wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

This is the second article that resulted from a round table discussion which I moderated during the last EURIX in the Fall of ‘19 and in which Anna Bones and Saara Rei were my main interviewees. The first one was triggered by our discussion but also contained a lot of my own insights and was centred around the topics of empowerment and authenticity of rope bottoms. In this one, I gathered the topics that were circling around being part of a community and how it impacts our practice.

Rope bondage is an activity that is deeply personal and internal, but at the same time, it is often practised within a community. Many people tie with more than one person. We attend rope jams, workshops and rope festivals to meet and learn from fellow rope enthusiasts or to find new partners. We also connect virtually through discussion groups, forums and by following people who inspire us online.

Performing an intimate act of bondage in the presence (physical or conceptual) of other people is a delicate matter and it often leads to frictions. Some of them we talked about during our discussion and I describe here. We also touched upon how rapidly the rope community in Europe is growing and changing and how the roles of the bottom and the top are changing as well. Finally, we also mentioned how being a part of a community can be a source of strength and growth and how we can use this gift to our advantage.

There is a lot of unnecessary normativity in rope bottoming lately

There seem to be a lot of discussions about how to be a ‘better bottom’ recently. I must admit that I am probably one of the bottoms who contributes to perpetuating this notion. And while I don’t think that there is something essentially wrong in thinking about ways to get better at something, focusing on the improvement too much can lead to losing pleasure and meaning from the activity. And even worse than that, it can also lead to unnecessary competition and judgemental attitudes within a community.

I think that the most important thing to ask yourself when you notice an ambition for self-improvement is what your drive behind wanting to get better is? If your drive is internal, for example, you want to become more authentic in your bottoming, you want to deepen your and your rigger’s experiences in ropes or you want to internalize the activity for it to become more natural, then it should be safe to pursue your goal of improvement. Even then, though, you should keep yourself in check, because you might still get lost in the pursuit of the goal and miss out on the experiences that you’ve had on the path leading to it (been there, done that).

The real danger creeps in, however, when your drivers for self-improvement are external. For example, when you feel like you should become a ‘better bottom’ because all the other bottoms are improving. When you feel like you are not good enough already. Or when you want to improve because you think that only then you will get tied by a certain person or your pictures will get a lot of ‘likes’.

Basically, whenever instead of wanting to become a better version of yourself, you want to become better than somebody else, you run into trouble.

Because there will always be people around you who are better than you at each of the things that you are working on. And you can’t do anything about it. Usually, it won’t be one person who is better on all fronts, but separate people who are better at separate things, but that won’t make a difference for your well-being (it does make a difference, though, if you think about it). And this kind of thinking will lead to constant dissatisfaction and feeling of inadequacy (once again, been there, done that).

Competition can sometimes be beneficial, but I feel like especially in rope bottoming it is rather counterproductive. One of the very important threads during the round table was the fact that rope bottoming is an extremely individual and internal activity and how the core of it is being authentic to yourself and having an honest expression. If you keep on comparing yourself to others and competing with them, you begin to mould yourself in their image instead of focusing on finding your individual way of bottoming.

At some point, Saara Rei indicated that it seems to her like especially nowadays, because of the abundance of rope on social media and its growing popularity, we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other bottoms more often. When you only see people tying ‘live’ (as during the times when she was starting to get tied at Schwelle7), you only are confronted with other bottoming expressions during live rope events and even then not so much as you are mostly busy yourself.

Currently, we can be bombarded with beautiful bottoms hanging in impossible suspensions 24/7 if we wish. And it gets hard not to compare yourself with them. It gets hard to resist the wish to switch places with them. It gets hard to stop dreaming to be like them instead of developing being ourselves. But only the latter can bring us joy.

Let’s stop with the demeaning categorization of bottoms as simply ‘active’ or ‘passive’

There are many different ways to bottom for rope, as we’ve established already, but recently only two opposing camps in bottoming are being recognized, ‘active’ or ‘passive’. And there seems to be a lot of division between the two.

What was interesting to observe during the round table was the pressure to belong to one of the groups that many of the bottoms felt. And it was not because they necessarily identified with one of the notions, but simply because they couldn't escape being squeezed into one of the two boxes. And once you belong to one, you can’t help but resent the other, because each side feels oppressed by the opposite camp.

I, myself, got a label of a ‘passive’ bottom in my community, which for a long time I treated as offensive. Especially because my community consists mostly of ‘active’ bottoms, I ‘grew up’ in rope feeling like I was the less enlightened one, wanting to follow and surrender and not interested in learning how to manage my body actively in ropes. I was hearing all the time that a good bottom should be aware and active in managing their body in ropes and that the pinnacle of bottoming skills is being able to actively co-create the tie with the rigger and give them technical feedback on how to improve it.

How great was my surprise, when I heard from Anna Bones and other more ‘active’ bottoms (or at least the bottoms who are not that much into Naka-style or semenawa) that they, on the other hand, feel oppressed by the kinbaku modelling recently and that they feel like in the current narrative being able to let go and surrender in ropes is The Way in rope modelling and anything else is seen as simplistic and lacking spirit.

As it turns out, putting each other in boxes makes us all feel oppressed. And we failed to see any advantages of the ‘active’ and ‘passive’ division. It is too broad to benefit from belonging to either of the groups and too general for anyone to truly identify with it. So I think that it is time to drop it and find a better and closer to real way to define each other’s styles so that we can actually benefit from identifying with a certain style and sharing experiences with other bottoms who do.

There is no bottoming without the tops

The one thing that I was a bit sad about, was how little riggers have joined the round table discussion. I think that as much as models need to be considered and heard when talking about tying, riggers’ contribution is important when talking about getting tied as well.

And I think that as much as the importance of models' feedback in riggers' education is getting more recognition lately, hearing riggers’ voices during rope bottoming discussions is still a rarity. I hope that it is going to change soon because for me it is very important to know what riggers value in me as a model, and what they value in models in general. In the end, it is them who I want to get tied by.

Additionally, even if they wouldn’t want to give input into our discussion, simply hearing about modelling experiences is a huge learning for the riggers. When I teach in workshops and share my experiences after a demo, it is often riggers who come to me afterwards and thank me for the insight that I provided to them. And here, when given an opportunity to hear so much about modelling experiences, they did not show up.

At the same time, I also know that some people do not want riggers to participate in modelling discussions. And I understand. I understand why some people see a danger in inviting them in. I understand that they are seen as the ones who are often in positions of power and we don’t want them to dictate how we, ‘the weaker ones’, should feel and behave in ropes. Rope world is still dominated by men tying women and the history of men dictating women how they should be, and indoctrinating them, is long and painful. We do not want to repeat that in rope. We do not want to feel like others impose on us the behaviours that would make us desired. We want to be ourselves and be desired for that.

I, however, do not necessarily think that there is something wrong with wanting to give a pleasurable experience to your partner and hearing from them what would allow one to achieve that. As long as this want is not imposed on us and as long as it is reciprocal, listening to your partner and taking them into account is what makes for a great connection and beautiful scenes.

If we want the recognition for creating the scene together then we also need to acknowledge our impact on the experience of our partner and care for it to some degree. But we must care because we truly feel it and not because this is what other people (especially the more powerful ones) think we should be doing.

Being part of a community of real people is where the magic happens

Towards the end of our discussion, Saara Rei expressed how for her being a part of a community is very important. How it helped her to grow and develop. How it made her feel not alone in her ‘strange’ likings and how it can also help in going through difficult times. And in such emotionally charged activity as rope bondage, difficult times come sooner or later.

I completely agree with her. No matter how much I complain about the rope community sometimes, being able to talk with other people about our shared passion, exchange with rope bottoms about our experiences and share about how tying makes us feel, might be the most growth-inducing experiences that I’ve had.

Hearing other people’s perspectives opens my mind and heart. Knowing that there are more people like me makes me feel understood and as I belong somewhere. And in the face of a crisis, having a community of people around me who have been through similar struggles is an invaluable source of support and wisdom.

I feel like the internet is sometimes giving us a false sense of community. We feel like we can meet and share virtually, but I am not sure if such meetings are even a fraction as valuable as talking live. We feel like we can solve community problems through online discussions but I feel that such discussions are missing so much context that it is rarely leading to any real understanding.

I understand that what we do is rare and that it might be hard to meet like-minded people in our vicinity. The internet makes people far away seem close and accessible. But still, each time I spend some time doing rope in a group of real people, I come back inspired and feeling connected, even if the way that some of them do rope is different from mine. And after an online discussion, I don’t feel that. I don’t feel close to the others and like a part of something, even if it seems like we share a similar vision.

I do share a lot online and because of that, I can feel how imperfect tool that is. How easy it is to become misinterpreted or misunderstood. How easy it is for me to appear as someone who I am not.

I haven’t been discouraged by it so far, because for me writing about rope and BDSM is a way to put my thoughts in order and to extract knowledge or insights from them. But I’ve never felt like what I write can really make me understood by the readers. I do not feel like I can get close to someone who I know only virtually. Rather, consuming online content is for me a way to get inspired to conduct my own research. It is often a spark igniting a discussion but never a source of real understanding of another person.

I think that in rope bondage, the community is crucial, but we must beware of the traps of normativity and judgement. We are doing something unorthodox and risky. There is no established practice, no norms or textbooks. Sure, currently we begin to form some common practices, but they are still preliminary and a consensus about the merit of some of them is only beginning to form. The only true source of wisdom that we can have is our own experiences and the experiences of other people who are doing rope longer than ourselves.

I try to use the wisdom of the community as much as possible, but always in a combination with critical thinking. That is because I don’t feel like we’ve reached a critical mass of people tying to come to any definite conclusions. We are still in a period of research. And when it comes to rope bottoming, I feel like the research is only just starting.

That is why I think that it is crucial to talk about it and investigate. To share experiences and lessons learned. Not to find the ultimate truths, but to gather more points in the data set. We need more data and to get it we need space and willingness to share and collaborate with other rope bottoms. We need bottoms who are willing to join the investigation and to think critically about their experiences, who are open to hear opinions that are conflicting with their own and treat it not as a critique but just as a valid parallel view. We need a space in which people feel safe to share their experiences and not feel judged. But at the same time, we also need to be resilient to judgement because it inevitably comes sooner or later. Finally, we also need tops who won’t be afraid to share with us their views on modelling because there is a lot of wisdom to be learned from them. And by inviting them to the discussion we make space for them to think about our contribution.

Maybe it's just me but I feel like bottoming should be more appreciated and recognized, not just for the beauty of the models but also their depth, their resilience, the strength of their body and mind and anything for what the bottom can be appreciated. To find the things that we contribute we need to make a conscious effort to see them. To look at a rope scene with fresh eyes and notice what it is that the bottom brings to it. To not only look at what the rope brings out in the model but also at what the model allows it to bring out. And even more importantly, what does the model bring out of the rigger.

Meeting in a community of other bottoms and discussing it is one of the ways to see these things anew.

In my last article inspired by the round table, I will try to touch upon exactly this topic. What are some of the things that the bottoms can do to make the scene unforgettable? What can we do on our side to cater to our experiences? I've asked the participants what are the best scenes that they remember and what was their mindset during these scenes. And the answers that I got were more than intriguing.

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.1 Empowerment and authenticity

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote someone, I do it based on my memory and understanding of what they’ve said. The participants consented to have me write an account of our discussion, however, they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below. However, I do want to acknowledge that this text wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

During the last EURIX, in the Fall of ‘19, I selfishly organized a round table discussion on rope modelling. I say selfishly because I felt a need for better defining what rope bottoming is about, what are the different ways to approach it, and what are the skills that people see as valuable and worth practising as a rope model (if any), and I wanted to use that discussion to find the answers to at least some of these questions.

Thanks to Anna Bones and Saara Rei who agreed to be my main interviewees, and the enthusiastic participation of the entire group, we raised many interesting points and I partially succeeded in finding the answers to my questions.

This is the first from a series of articles in which I would like to share direct themes that came up in our discussion, as well as my private insights that followed, to the wider public, because I think that we will all benefit from more content about the ones being in ropes.

There are many reasons why we love to be in rope

It’s amazing in how many different ways people can experience rope. When asked about what kind of rope we like and why we get into ropes, the round table participants gave astonishingly many varied and valid answers.

Saara Rei loves the slow-and-full-of-suffering kind of scenes, where her body is contorted and fixed in impossible positions. For her, the emotional body and the physical body are one and she seeks to achieve emotional states through using her body.

Rope is also a tool to achieve the stage of submission, which happens to her when she feels that her body is fully controlled by the other.

Anna Bones loves many different kinds of ropes for different reasons. Her interests span from sensual sexy floor work through dynamic and active suspensions to a complete immobilization in crazy predicaments. It all depends on the dynamic that she has with the rigger as well as her mindset on that day.

In all styles of bondage, she appreciates the claustrophobic feeling of being restricted as well as the undivided attention of her partner and the sensual experience of being touched.

To me, rope is mostly about mental and emotional experiences. As Saara, I love slow torturous rope scenes that bring me a lot of suffering and I treat the body is a tool that I use to achieve psychological states. I love to be tied in a way that I find beautiful, therefore I love traditional Japanese ways of tying, but at the same time I also deeply enjoy rope that leaves me ugly and humiliated for the psychological effect of it. Like Anna, I enjoy very diverse styles of rope, depending on my dynamic with the rope top and my mood. However, I do seek to be tied mostly by people with whom I feel some sort of D/s power exchange.

Many of the other participants also indicated that they enjoy different styles of rope. For most of the participants, the connection with the rigger was extremely important. They did not want to restrict themselves by voicing a style preference. The main goal for being in rope was having a deep intimate exchange with their partner, the exact flavour of which was totally circumstances-, and partner- dependent.

Bottoming is a lot about following but following doesn’t mean having no contribution

It was clear that for virtually all the bottoms who spoke up, following the rigger was the essential thing in being a bottom. They enjoyed being led by the rigger and they were usually open to experience whatever their partner had in mind for them. If the rigger was able to create an intimate bubble of connection with them, they did not necessarily care about the style they were being tied in.

What they enjoyed about being in ropes was the exchange between them and the riggers and the intimacy and uniqueness of each of their rope encounters. The special way in which they could truly meet their partner in ropes. They were after the pure experience of being led by the rigger and they did not want to influence that feeling by having expectations or fixed ideas about the session.

I understand this kind of narrative and I find it appealing and beautiful. I also used to think about myself in ropes as a pure follower and/or receiver. I still don’t have fixed expectations about particular scenes and I do not give directions to my riggers before tying. I do know, however, that I have my preferences in ropes. I do know in which directions I like to go and I know that I often lead my riggers there, more or less consciously. Also, I do know what kind of experiences the people who decide to tie with me might expect. Maybe I do not voice my preferences to the riggers directly, but I do execute them by choosing particular people to tie with.

I am not saying that the participants of the round table did not have specific preferences and abilities that I recognized in myself. Everybody does. But what they didn't do is to voice them.

I can’t help but worry that looking at yourself as a pure follower without recognizing your input in the scene might lead to disempowerment and passivity. Not passivity in the sense of ‘active vs passive bottoming’ which is a popular nowadays but in my opinion rather useless way to define bottoming styles, but passivity in the sense of lack of initiative, energy and input.

And I missed hearing recognition of what many of the bottoms like and have to offer. I missed hearing that they know what kind of connection they are looking for in ropes.

Because I am sure that each bottom has a lot to contribute to a scene and that we have an active role in co-creating it. Following (more or less active) is about responding to the actions of your partner with an appropriate level of energy and can (or even should) involve giving your input as long as it doesn’t overpower, but complement, the lead.

Having the knowledge of what kind of bottom you are and what kind of experiences you can create with your rigger is a power. It gives you confidence and it makes you recognize your value. And I think that the value and the contribution of bottoms into tying, no matter what their bottoming style is, needs more understanding and recognition.

Let’s be honest, being in ropes is an extreme experience

Being in ropes, especially in a semi-suspension or a suspension is putting your body in a state of extreme stress and sometimes even panic. It seems to me, though, as if we tend to forget it sometimes. We are bombarded with pictures of serene models in extreme positions everywhere on social media nowadays. Even in videos, many seasoned models don’t make a sound even in the most difficult ties.

Of course, each model has their own unique way of expressing themselves, but I am afraid that the currently popular limited expression (or rather the difficulty to depict the full rope bondage experience honestly in photography) often results in misunderstandings about how rope bondage feels. And the fact is that it is often painful and difficult, as it is, or at least it was devised as, a way to torture people.

I loved it when Saara Rei mentioned that when she teaches in workshops, she always brings the models to an awareness about the difficulty of each position, and how the first time when you experience a position is always the hardest and that they should not shy away from expressing their struggle. I would take it even further and say that if you truly feel into your body in ropes, most of the kinbaku positions always put you in a state of struggle and bring you to the edge, no matter how many times you’ve been tied in them.

I do not want to undermine the reactions of any person to rope. They are all unique and valid. At the same time, I do feel like we need more emphasis on the fact that being bound by someone, having your freedom taken away or having your body suspended in the air from thin strings of rope without any way to protect yourself is not something casual. And it should not be taken as such.

I think that it should be something that one goes into with great awareness and care. It should be something that you truly desire and need. Otherwise, you might end up abusing your body or soul without even knowing what you are doing to yourself. For the sake of a pretty picture or a moment of internet fame? That is something that I do not wish on anybody.

The essential question of ‘Why’

During the round table, we were talking a lot about the authenticity in ropes and how important it is for a bottom to be able to feel and express in ropes. How our authentic expression and not getting into this or that position, or any other external achievement, should be our real goal.

Because when we are our authentic selves in ropes, we bring something to the table. We do not only want the riggers to serve us by giving us experience, but we also have something to give to them in return. We have something to offer and we know that. That knowledge gives us confidence and establishes our worth as co-creator of the tie. We become receivers but not absorbers of rigger's energy. Rather, we transform and multiply it by adding our own personality to it.

I truly believe that before you allow anybody to put ropes on you and take away your freedom, it is important to ask yourself why do you want to get tied. Only knowing that your personality can truly flourish in ropes. Only then you can truly ‘show up’ for the scene. At least in my case, knowing why I do ropes is a source of an infinite passion and energy for doing it, fueling my drive to experience each session deeply. On the other hand, if you are doing something, but you don’t feel strongly about the reasons why, especially if you are doing something so intense and on many levels risky, you are putting your well-being in danger.

Another, somehow less serious, danger is that the activity itself performed without proper ‘why’ will become empty, mechanic and lifeless. And that is the opposite of what I believe the rope bottom should bring into the tie. I think that our extremely important role in ropes is to be 100% present, to experience and express, to add our flavour to the tie and to inspire the rigger. If we are not sure why we are doing it, if we do not feel strongly about the reasons that put us in the position of being tied, we won’t be able to fill that role.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that finding your authentic self in rope is something immediate and easy. When I started getting tied, I had no idea why I enjoyed it so much. I wasn’t able to articulate what draws me to rope. And it is perfectly understandable. It takes experience and practice to gain that understanding. It isn’t something that you are born with. It is something that you find.

The ‘why’ neither needs to be fixed, nor it has to be single. I can name at least a couple of reasons why I love to be in ropes. And I don’t expect these reasons to stay unchanged. The same as my personality changes over time, my reasons for getting into ropes will change as well. But I know for sure that I would not want to get into ropes without a reason.

In my opinion, finding your ‘why’ might be one of the most important elements of your growth as a rope model. Because it gives a direction to all the rest of your development. You stop repeating the things that other people advise you to do and you start to follow your own intuition. You begin to develop in your own unique way.

I hope that the points that might have sounded as a critique in this writing will be inspiring rather than discouraging. I truly believe that rope bottoms have an important and equal contribution to tying. Without us, rope is only a lifeless piece of material. Only when we put our living bodies and souls into ropes, the ties become beautiful. We should recognize and cherish it. We should speak more about the ways in which each of us contributes to the ties. We should be aware of the unique experiences that we can provide to our riggers. We should do rope with passion and love for it because we know that being bound is what we truly desire.

And we should not shy away from indicating our value. We should not shy away from saying that being in bondage is something extreme that we put our bodies through and wanting the recognition for it that we deserve. We should not be afraid to say that not only leading but also following is an art that should be appreciated.

And to get the courage to do that, hearing from other bottoms about their experiences, sharing our victories and struggles can be truly transformative. We can learn a lot from each other and we can support each other as fellow bottoms.

But sometimes, we can also bring each other a lot of suffering. Especially when the contact that we have with other bottoms remains virtual and distant. In my next article, I am going to share more thoughts from the round table, which centre around what being part of a community brings us. It is going to be quite different from this one, but equally insightful, I hope.

On handling rejection in rope

Photo by Dark Path.

Disclaimer: This post is oozing positivity at times and to people who know me personally might sound a bit surprising. It is not dishonest on my side. The attitudes that I describe here are the ones that I cultivate in myself and I try to live by these rules. Being as critical as I am, it works better at some points than others. I do believe in what I say here, though, even if it is not always how I feel about things. Feelings can be irrational and uncontrollable at times, values are constant and much easier to control. The latter is what I focus on in this post. 
Disclaimer 2: I'm a rope bottom and I write from the position of being tied, but most of the things that I talk about here apply equally to both roles.

Some time ago Riccardo Wildties shared a very honest and important video on the right of tops to say ‘no’. I was very happy that someone has gotten to this topic and has done it so eloquently. I think that it is a very important reminder to all of us. We all should have the right to say ‘no’ when it comes to rope, with no strings attached and no hard feelings.

Listening to him was like a déjà vu from my time in the tango community. I don’t have a lot of experience with rejection in rope as I am not in the community for that long and I've been very fortunate to tie with amazing riggers right from the start and don’t often look for new partners. But I do have a lot of experience with rejection in tango because the specifics of this dance and the social norms surrounding it are basically built around the notion of rejection. I think that my experience from tango can be really well translated into rope reality and can be helpful to some people. It certainly has been for me as I think that it is one of the reasons why I can quite often avoid rejection altogether and I handle it pretty well if it happens. 

Before you ask

First, I want to share some thoughts that help me minimize the risk of having to deal with rejection in the first place. They are mostly strategies and mindsets that I’ve learned over the years that helped me avoid rejection and be successful in my advances, but at the same time also prepare the ground for when it eventually happens.

Try to get a feeling about the interest of the other person

I tend to be rather reluctant to ask people to tie me. I take quite a lot of time before I make up my mind whether I want to ask someone or not. Part of it is my rather sensitive and cautious nature. I want to avoid the pain of being rejected as much as possible so I only ask once I'm almost absolutely sure that they will say ‘yes’. This approach is very personal and I don't necessarily recommend it. However, another reason why I take my time is that I learned to be patient and to give myself as well as the other person time to figure out what we want.

In tango, there is a notion of a 'cabeceo', which is a non-verbal invitation to dance based upon a prolonged eye-contact followed by a nod from both parties indicating the willingness to dance. It's created in order to avoid painful verbal rejection. It has its advantages and disadvantages, but what it certainly taught me is the skill of observing others and getting a feeling for whether they might be interested in me or not. It has also taught me how to show interest from a distance without being too explicit about it. In tango the actual ‘cabeceo’ is the final step and having your nod unreturned can also hurt, so you only try it once you are rather certain that it will be returned. Therefore, you try to figure out as much as possible beforehand if the person might be truly interested in dancing with you or not. If you’ve learned that, you minimise the risk of your ‘cabeceo’ being rejected.

Be patient

In tango, the assessment of whether someone might be interested in dancing with you or not usually happens in the course of one evening or one weekend. In rope, however, it might stretch over months or even years. That is because there are much fewer opportunities to tie with someone in (a) rope event(s) than there are in a tango event, but also because a rope session is way more intimate than sharing a tanda for most of the people. 

Being in someone’s ropes or tying someone is an intimate thing. Therefore, before I decide whether I want to be tied by someone, I usually take my time. It can sometimes be difficult because, especially at rope festivals, you often have a feeling of urgency and that everyone is experiencing more than you do, so you have to catch up and get tied by more people. I resist this urge strongly because I know that it leads to, at best empty scenes, and at worst bad experiences.

Rope world is not that big and sooner or later you will meet that person again. Take your time to get to know them before you decide to tie with them. Talk to them, get to know what kind of person they are before you let them take control over you. It doesn’t only make for safer scenes, but also more rewarding and natural ones since by getting to know each other through a conversation, you can learn about each other's preferences in an organic way. In this way, you minimize the need for extensive negotiations, which (at least for me) often kill the mood and limit the scene. You have all the time to get tied by them, so don’t rush into anything. 

Trust your intuition

I can usually sense whether someone is interested in me or not and I believe that most people can as it seems like an evolutionarily very useful skill to have. Our intuition is often silenced by our mind, though, and we should learn to listen to it more.

When it comes to someone being attracted to you (which is necessary, in some way, if they should want to tie you, it doesn’t need to be sexual attraction, though), they will usually look at you a bit longer than necessary, they will look for opportunities to talk to you, they will smile at you when you look at them. All these things are small and not very noticeable, but our brains register them. I often have this unexplainable feeling about whether that person might want to tie me or not without them saying anything. And I usually trust it. Not to the point of asking right away, but when I sense interest and it is mutual, I start to focus my attention on gathering more data in a more directed way. I test whether my intuition was right and only when I am pretty certain, I ask. 

On the other hand, when I sense a lack of interest or when I am uncertain, I do not ask. I wait and try to get more contact with that person to see if my feelings were correct or whether it was just a matter of not knowing me enough. I also try to remember the signs that led to a successful encounter to learn how to better recognise an interest in the future and to be able to trust my intuition even more.

Don’t ask for the wrong reasons

At the beginning of my tango career, I used to get quite frustrated when I would feel that someone that I wanted to dance with would not notice me. I would come to an event and want to dance with all the best and most popular leaders but they would not look at me. It was making me angry and frustrated until I realised that them not noticing me means that they are not interested in me, and even if we would dance together, the dance would not be good because they would not be into it. So instead of trying to force a leader into dancing with me, I began working on making them interested in me in the long run. And not only making them interested in me but also making sure that I actually want to dance with them and I am not just blindly following the opinion of the rest of the tango crowd.

I think that in rope it is even more important. Sure, it is great to tie with the best and most famous riggers, but do you really want to get tied by them or do you want the experience of one of the people who got to be tied by them? Do you know them well enough to tell? Do you know what kind of people they are or are your reasons simply that they are good at what they do? 

Asking someone to tie you just because they are well known rarely leads to a good experience. From the rigger’s side, they can sense whether you are genuinely interested in them or simply want the experience. I can imagine that the latter often leads to a rejection straight away. It’s impolite and painful for the rigger to be used like that. And even if they don’t reject you, are you sure that you want to give control over your body and mind to someone just because you’ve seen that they can do really cool suspensions? Don’t you want to make sure that they actually are worth giving yourself to them before you allow them to bind you? 

Don’t go above your league

In the tango world, there is a breed of followers who would always hang around the table of ‘masteros’ for the entire duration of the festival, wearing their best dresses and hoping that they will get asked to dance by one of them. And they often succeed, especially when they are young and pretty. I’ve never had the ambition to dance with the teachers because I’ve never felt good enough in my dancing to be able to offer them an enjoyable experience. If they would ask me because I would make such effort as those girls, I would probably have felt like they are doing it out of pity and not because they truly value my dancing skills. And I didn’t want that. Of course, I would love to dance with my favourite maestro, but only if I would be sure that I have something to offer to them. That they truly want to dance with me and that I can offer them valuable experience. To me, the same holds for rope. 

In rope, the matter of bottoming technique is not so prominent as tango technique. You do not need to have amazing ‘bottoming skills’ to have a great scene with someone. But it is important to ask yourself if you are not wanting to be tied for the wrong reasons. Therefore, I always try to ask myself, do I really want to offer myself to that person? Looking at the way they tie, do I think that I can offer them an interesting experience? Am I willing to open myself enough to that person for us to live through something meaningful? I think that it is important to answer these questions to yourself honestly before you ask someone to tie you and I only ask if I feel like I do have something meaningful and authentic to offer to the rigger. 

Don’t rely on others for validation

One of the cases when being rejected is very painful is when you treat your interactions with other people as ways to validate yourself. It is a trap that many people fall into. They don’t value themselves enough internally, but they look for validation externally. They reason that if a certain person agrees to tie them/being tied by them it will be proof that they are of some value.

It is a short-lived strategy that leads to pain in the long term. It feeds on your insecurities instead of helping you to get over them, which does not only hinders you but also makes you less attractive. By having that attitude you become needy and self-centred, assessing people on the basis on how much increase in the feeling of self-worth they can bring you instead of what kind of interesting encounter you could have with them. This kind of attitude is objectifying and drives the confident and secure people away. They will not want your meeting in ropes to be a transaction of exchanging momentary increase of self-worth, which you make out of it when you treat them like that. They will want to meet the real you in ropes, which you will not be able to give them if you seek validation because you will be too occupied with trying to meet their expectations to allow yourself to show the real you. 

So instead of looking to other people to validate you, think about what things of value do you bring to each tie. Recognise and cherish what you have to offer. Learn yourself in ropes and stand by your true personality that ropes bring out. That will allow you to enter bondage scenes with confidence and feeling of worth and presence that is hard to beat in terms of attractiveness. It will also allow you to see rejections as a result of some kind of mismatch and not as an indication that you are not good enough. 

It feels very different when you are secure about what you have to offer and that offer gets rejected from when you are not sure about the value of your offering and other people reject it. The first, makes you feel like they must not see the value in what you see value in, which is perfectly fine since people are different and it is probably a proof that you would not be a good match in ropes anyways, so it is better this way. The second makes you doubt your worth and makes you want to change to align with what their wishes about you might be. It makes you question the attractiveness of your personality and makes you feel inadequate, which is not only painful but also brings you further away from being your honest and true self. 

Don’t let your expectations spoil your mood

Another thing that applies especially to bigger rope events is managing your expectations. Usually, they are the thing that makes you miserable and takes all the joy from the event even if you’ve had a lot of interesting encounters. Unmet expectations usually disappoint more than the met ones bring happiness. Too many expectations (or any expectations for that matter) are a route to disaster and a ruined mood because at least one of them will always not come true and it will spoil all the joy from the good things that you’ve experienced. 

For that reason, I try not to expect anything from rope events. I usually go there with hope for one memorable scene (that is not so difficult to achieve) or one good workshop or something like that. Then after that had happened, I tell myself, “So now it happened, it was worth coming here, all the rest is a bonus” and that is what I live until the end of the event, reminding myself of all the great moments of the event each time I feel like I am not getting enough out of it and repeating to myself that I already got more than what I came for. It really allows me to enjoy more and stress less. Also, it makes me appreciate what I experience instead of hopping from one scene to the other, ticking the boxes on my checklist of people to tie with in the meantime. 

If you reject

Rejecting people is not easy and there are good and bad ways to do it. During my tango years, I’ve had to reject quite a lot of people and below are the guidelines that I try to follow whenever I need to do that. 

Be concise and don’t lie

I try not to come up with excuses when I reject someone and simply tell them the truth that I am not interested in dancing/tying with them at the moment. At the same time, I don’t become too elaborate on my reasons. Simple “No, thank you” should be enough to indicate my lack of interest. I don’t need and don’t want to explain myself. Unless they really insist, then I tell them the (sometimes uncomfortable) truth, which is usually much worse than a simple ‘no’ and which I hope will teach them not to use this manipulative technique on others in the future (some people cornered with a ‘why?’ question will back off and change their mind in their unwillingness to tell the truth, and that is why many people ask ‘why?’ I find it very manipulative).

Be firm

I try my rejections to be firm. Another reason why a simple “No, thank you” usually works best. I don’t want to give the rejected any reason to think that I might be hesitant in my decision. I also don't want to give them false hopes. If I am certain about my rejection then I simply say 'no'. If it's just situational and I would be interested in tying with that person in the future, I'll say that. But only if it's really the case. Otherwise, I try to be straightforward and clear in not having an intention to get tied by them. I feel like I owe it to the rejected person to be clear and honest with them. I don’t want to mislead them in any way. That is what I appreciate when someone is rejecting me and I try to apply it when I am on the other side.

Respect your boundaries

One of the worst things that you could do to yourself and to your partner in ropes is engaging in a bondage scene that you are not enthusiastic about. Nobody wants to tie or get tied out of pity. If you let someone tie you only because you didn't know how to say 'no', you will probably both feel miserable afterwards.

Especially as a rope bottom, if you let someone bind you without really wanting it, you violate yourself. And you learn to be in ropes with a tint that is really hard to get rid off later. I can't imagine that you can enjoy getting tied by someone without trusting them and I can't imagine that trust being there if you actually don't want to be in their ropes. By forcing yourself to live an experience like that you make a disservice to both yourself and to the top. 

Unless they were only experience-seeking, they were expecting to get to tie you and experience your willing surrender to them when they’ve asked to tie you. If you allow them to do it out of pity or reluctance to say ‘no’, you don’t give them your honest presence in ropes. You don’t give them the experience that you’ve promised. They will feel your lack of trust through ropes and unless they are extremely insensitive, it will not lead to a good experience for them either. Sparing both of you by stating clearly your boundaries is a favour that you owe to yourself and to them, even if it might seem painful and frustrating for the one rejected. 

If you get rejected

Getting rejected is uncomfortable and it hurts. There is no way around it. There are certain realizations, though, that can make it easier to get through and maybe even learn from it. 

Don’t kick yourself while you’re down

Unless you know the person really well and are absolutely sure that it is ok to do, don’t ask why they’ve rejected you. If they would have a reason that would not be painful to share, they would have probably done it. If they didn’t then it most probably means that you don’t want to hear their reasons and it will be less painful to just accept the ‘no’ and move on. 

Of course, in many situations, especially when it comes to relationships, it helps to hear people’s reasons for their decisions. But I think that it holds only when those reasons are in some way rational. When they can offer you a logical, or at least understandable explanation. In the case of rope, those reasons are driven by the laws of attraction, which are rarely logical and are often not explainable at all. 

I think that it is a great practice for rope bottoms to ask your riggers the ‘why’ when they said ‘yes’ to tying you. Hearing how other people see you in ropes and what are their reasons for wanting to tie you is great for recognizing your value and learning about yourself (you might be surprised sometimes). It is not very constructive, though, to hear the reasons for the ‘no’ because rope is extremely personal and it is really hard to be honest in such situation with a stranger (or almost a stranger). I think that it is better to just accept the rejection and not force them to either make it more painful or come up with some false excuses.

Appreciate what you have

Another thing that is very helpful to remind yourself when you got rejected is all the amazing opportunities and experiences that you have or have had. Maybe this person doesn’t want to tie you but think about all the awesome people who do. Or maybe they don’t want to tie you at this moment, but you’ve had some great scenes together in the past. Cherish what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. 

In tango, I took it to a really high level and when someone would ignore my attempts to get to dance with them, I would think about the fact that not dancing at this moment gives me more energy to have great dances later on. I would appreciate the opportunity to rest a little bit or use that time to connect with friends instead of focusing on the fact that I am missing this amazing song and possibly amazing dance with my favourite leader. Because getting too much of a good thing can also take away its charm.

Maybe for me, it is easier to think this way because rejection and denial are my strong kinks. But it is not only because I find it hot to be denied something or rejected that I see value in it. It is also because experiencing it in kink, I learned the value of delayed gratification. I learned how much painful anticipation can increase the pleasure when you do finally get what you desired. I learned how much more valuable things become when you have to wait or work for them. And being rejected allows you to experience it if you only want to look at it this way.

Use rejection as a motivator

How you see the reality is your choice. Not everything that happens to you is pleasant and not everything will go according to your plan. There are many factors weighing into the outcomes that you get and most of them are not dependent on you that much. Especially, when other people are involved, the results become really complex and hard to predict. I like to remind myself that at times so that I don’t fall into the trap of believing that I can fully control my life and all that happens to me depends on my actions. At the same time, I also like to realise that although I can’t control the outcomes fully, I do have an impact on increasing my chances to get what I want. And even more so, my personal attitude towards the things that happen to me in life is entirely my responsibility. 

So when I get rejected by someone, instead of focusing on how insensitive and frustrating it is and how pitiful human being I must be if they don’t want to tie me (the latter I sometimes still indulge in, though, just for my pure masochistic pleasure), I think about the things that I could have done to increase my chances. Maybe I could have been more honest in expressing my intentions? Maybe I could have done something better to make them aware of what I have to offer? Maybe I could have picked a better time to ask? Maybe I could have waited a bit longer to make sure that the interest is mutual? Maybe there is some way to develop myself more in order to be seen by them and catch their interest at a later point in time? 

If not, then it is also ok. Sometimes people just don’t match in ropes and it is also fine. I always try to see if there are some learning opportunities in the rejection, though, as it helps me to get over it and not treat it like an absolute failure, but rather a point on my journey.

Don’t take it personally

As I mentioned already, tying your personal value to external factors (especially people-related) is a really bad idea. When I get rejected by someone, I try not to take it personally. I try to remember that there are a million reasons why it might have happened. Maybe they are tired? Maybe I haven’t been visible enough for them? Maybe they have a jealous partner? Maybe they feel too insecure to tie me? Maybe there is someone else that they really want to tie in this moment and they are not interested in anyone else? Many of these reasons are objective and not related to me personally. I like to remind that to myself when I get on a route of self-blame and feeling not good enough. 

And even if it is related to me personally, it doesn’t mean that there is anything that I could do about it. It doesn’t mean that I should change anything in myself. Maybe they see better than I do our lack of compatibility? Maybe I only think that the scene that we would have would be amazing, looking at them with their other partners, but they are aware that it wouldn’t work with someone else?

Again, I like to take what I can learn from this kind of situations, but I also don’t stress too much about what I could have done to change the outcome as I realize that it is way too complex to comprehend. I take what I can for the future, but I don’t overthink the past. Instead of being bitter and withdrawn, I try to open up more and be more welcoming. It is not easy, but it is the only way to make sure that people around me can see me. And the only person that I should be interested in being tied by is someone who sees and wants to tie me. 

I realize that this post is way way way too long. I am truly amazed if you got this far reading it. Maybe for some people, the things that I write about here are obvious. I do think, however, that they are much easier said than done. I really (try to) live by these rules, not only write about them and it really helps. It is not only empty words. The kind of attitudes that I describe is not easy, but they really paid off for me and I think that they are worth cultivating. 

I wish that handling rejection would become easier for more people. I think that it would help both sides in being honest and asserting their boundaries. I wish that it would become less uncomfortable for people to both hear and say ‘no’, that we would become more authentic in our choices without the fear of being judged for it. I really think that it would help our community and it would lead to (maybe less but) more positive rope experiences for everyone. And isn’t that what we all want? 

I can’t do casual, is that ok?

I am writing this because it’s a topic that I am struggling with for a while and I really feel like I need to hear some honest opinions about it. For those who don’t like long writings and are not interested in my personal struggles, you can skip to the questions at the end and a summary of the comments that I have received.

My struggles

Being in a kink community for a short, but intense while, I grew to realise that I am not really able to play casually. Or to do anything casually for that matter. I love the intensity and I hate mediocrity. In myself that is. I don't care what other people are doing. It's their life and their interactions. I think that everyone should do what makes them feel good. But I simply can't do things in a casual manner.

And right now I'm in a phase of deciding whether I think it's fair to expose others to my play. At least when it happens at more casual environments. Like rope jams. Because the moment that rope touches my body, I am lost. Especially when the scene is flowy, the rigger skilled and we have the right ‘click’. Then I become shameless in expressing my emotions. And there are lots of them usually. No matter the setting, I just can’t help myself. Everything else disappears and I stop having boundaries of what is ok and what is not. At that moment only the connection between us matters.

It's actually not only about rope. I have the same thing with tango for example. I don't really dance casually. The only time when it happens is when I make an unfortunate mistake when choosing a partner or when I am fulfilling a social obligation. And it always leaves me kind of disappointed. I just don't see a point of doing something without intensity, when there clearly is a space for it. It doesn't mean that I always put my entire self into what I'm doing. I do it only when my partner goes with it. When I feel that intensity is what he/she wants as well. If it’s not what they want though, then the chance of us playing again is low.

Coming back to the main topic. I can't do casual. Everything that I do needs some level of emotional intensity to keep me interested. Something that I can hold on to and build a story around. Something that will make me feel. And I need seriousness. I don't really like when things are funny and relaxed and playful. I need drama. And that's what I create when I interact with people. I realise that not everyone wants to be an audience to my spectacle. When we are together in one space though, they often don't have a choice. Any event that I take part in, you will see (but mostly hear) me moaning, gasping, squealing and screaming (if it comes to it). You will have to witness my joys and my struggles. And I realise that for a rope practice event, it might not be what people sign up for. I realise that for some it might be too much.

So I've been thinking… Should I stop going to casual social events and only stick to play parties? Is the way I do rope appropriate for a rope jam? I tend to be shamed quite a lot for how I react when in ropes. Usually, it's jokingly, but when you hear the same joke over and over again, you start thinking that maybe there is something else that people try to communicate to you, but are not comfortable saying it openly. For me tying is about sensuality and play. About the flow and emotions. You can incorporate it in basically every session and for me, it should actually be something that people practice. One thing is to learn to execute a tie correctly, another is to execute it while staying connected to your model and keeping the flow of the scene. But it's not what everyone is looking for in rope. Some people seek beautiful shapes or relaxation. Some people seek fun. Or something else that I have no idea of.

I would like to believe that it is possible that we can all co-exist in one space. Everyone doing their own thing that makes them happy. But maybe it is not the case? Maybe some ways of tying are just not compatible and should not be practised together? Maybe some people don’t want to be exposed to someone else’s suffering or arousal? And some people don’t want to be taken out of their rope space by a couple next to them explaining things to each other and laughing?

I enjoy going to rope jams, because I love to meet other people who are into rope and to share experiences. I enjoy having fun with my friends and I enjoy showing other people what I am going through in ropes. But maybe rope jams are not the right place for it? Maybe I should just stay away from those low key events and stick to play parties?

Questions that I need to ask

I truly am curious about honest opinions. And not only for myself but for other people who might be struggling with the same doubts.

• What is and what is not ok at a rope jam in your opinion?

• Is play an intrinsic part of every rope session for you?

• Can you and do you enjoy rope without a play element?

• Are you bothered by other people having a play session next to you (within reason) when you are having a casual practice time?

• Do you think there should be more or less play at rope jams in general?

• Why do you do rope?

I would love to and I hope to hear on these topics either in comments or in a PM. I would also love to hear on anything related to this writing that did not end in the questions list. And I hope to hear all kinds of feedback, not only reassuring stuff. I will try to summarize the comments and add it at the end of this writing so that other people can get access to it easily as well.

Update: Answers and comments

I’ve got a lot of feedback in comments, private messages and conversations, which is really great and I am very grateful for it. I tried to gather all the thoughts together in a summary and here it is:

• You are in a public space at a rope jam, so try to evaluate as good as possible the kind of people that you are sharing the space with and adjust the intensity of your play accordingly. Of course, keeping the rules of the place as a baseline.

• When there are more people who are new to rope at a rope jam, you might want to decrease the intensity of your play a bit. At the same time, some say that you should not do that too much, as then you attract people, who in the long run might not be the right match with the community. Not all newbies are scared by the intensity. Some are attracted to it.

• Mistakes happen inevitably when you interact with others. Especially when doing rope, which is very personal and can be intense, but at the same time, you share it with a lot of people in one space. As long as you try to minimize invading other people space and communicate, you are good.

• Tying in a space with other people around is not the same as tying at home. Sooner or later you will be bothered by others. Try to stay cool with it and minimize your disturbance and if you really find it too much, give feedback.

• Most of the people think that some play during tying is ok, some think that it is inevitable. As long as it rope-centered and not interrupting other people’s session.

• People approach rope differently, some enjoy the technical aspect more, some enjoy the play more, some both, depending on the circumstances. People also approach rope jams differently, some prefer to reserve play for private space and focus on practice and learning during rope jams and some want to practice their ties while being playful at the same time. In either case, they don’t mind others doing things that are more intense, as long as everyone is mindful of others.

• There is no one way of doing rope and seeing different people approaching it differently is inspiring and fun and desirable.

• Some people see the practice as being technical and rope-focused. Others want to practice connection and leaning in the experience. Tying your partner, while staying connected is an important skill that takes a lot of practice. That is one of the reasons why some always ‘play’ when doing rope. It requires a certain level of skill.

• As long as you communicate well to your partner what your reactions to rope are, it is more the responsibility of the top than the bottom how intense the session becomes. You should communicate beforehand if you are uncomfortable with something (like disturbing other people) but during the session, you have little control over your behaviour if the rigger knows how to trigger you. Keep that in mind during the negotiations, but don’t feel like it is your responsibility during the session.

• In general, the balance between play and no play at rope jams is usually good.

Most importantly, rope is amazing for a trillion different reasons. Keep enjoying it in your own unique way.