Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.1 Empowerment and authenticity

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote someone, I do it based on my memory and understanding of what they’ve said. The participants consented to have me write an account of our discussion, however, they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below. However, I do want to acknowledge that this text wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

During the last EURIX, in the Fall of ‘19, I selfishly organized a round table discussion on rope modelling. I say selfishly because I felt a need for better defining what rope bottoming is about, what are the different ways to approach it, and what are the skills that people see as valuable and worth practising as a rope model (if any), and I wanted to use that discussion to find the answers to at least some of these questions.

Thanks to Anna Bones and Saara Rei who agreed to be my main interviewees, and the enthusiastic participation of the entire group, we raised many interesting points and I partially succeeded in finding the answers to my questions.

This is the first from a series of articles in which I would like to share direct themes that came up in our discussion, as well as my private insights that followed, to the wider public, because I think that we will all benefit from more content about the ones being in ropes.

There are many reasons why we love to be in rope

It’s amazing in how many different ways people can experience rope. When asked about what kind of rope we like and why we get into ropes, the round table participants gave astonishingly many varied and valid answers.

Saara Rei loves the slow-and-full-of-suffering kind of scenes, where her body is contorted and fixed in impossible positions. For her, the emotional body and the physical body are one and she seeks to achieve emotional states through using her body.

Rope is also a tool to achieve the stage of submission, which happens to her when she feels that her body is fully controlled by the other.

Anna Bones loves many different kinds of ropes for different reasons. Her interests span from sensual sexy floor work through dynamic and active suspensions to a complete immobilization in crazy predicaments. It all depends on the dynamic that she has with the rigger as well as her mindset on that day.

In all styles of bondage, she appreciates the claustrophobic feeling of being restricted as well as the undivided attention of her partner and the sensual experience of being touched.

To me, rope is mostly about mental and emotional experiences. As Saara, I love slow torturous rope scenes that bring me a lot of suffering and I treat the body is a tool that I use to achieve psychological states. I love to be tied in a way that I find beautiful, therefore I love traditional Japanese ways of tying, but at the same time I also deeply enjoy rope that leaves me ugly and humiliated for the psychological effect of it. Like Anna, I enjoy very diverse styles of rope, depending on my dynamic with the rope top and my mood. However, I do seek to be tied mostly by people with whom I feel some sort of D/s power exchange.

Many of the other participants also indicated that they enjoy different styles of rope. For most of the participants, the connection with the rigger was extremely important. They did not want to restrict themselves by voicing a style preference. The main goal for being in rope was having a deep intimate exchange with their partner, the exact flavour of which was totally circumstances-, and partner- dependent.

Bottoming is a lot about following but following doesn’t mean having no contribution

It was clear that for virtually all the bottoms who spoke up, following the rigger was the essential thing in being a bottom. They enjoyed being led by the rigger and they were usually open to experience whatever their partner had in mind for them. If the rigger was able to create an intimate bubble of connection with them, they did not necessarily care about the style they were being tied in.

What they enjoyed about being in ropes was the exchange between them and the riggers and the intimacy and uniqueness of each of their rope encounters. The special way in which they could truly meet their partner in ropes. They were after the pure experience of being led by the rigger and they did not want to influence that feeling by having expectations or fixed ideas about the session.

I understand this kind of narrative and I find it appealing and beautiful. I also used to think about myself in ropes as a pure follower and/or receiver. I still don’t have fixed expectations about particular scenes and I do not give directions to my riggers before tying. I do know, however, that I have my preferences in ropes. I do know in which directions I like to go and I know that I often lead my riggers there, more or less consciously. Also, I do know what kind of experiences the people who decide to tie with me might expect. Maybe I do not voice my preferences to the riggers directly, but I do execute them by choosing particular people to tie with.

I am not saying that the participants of the round table did not have specific preferences and abilities that I recognized in myself. Everybody does. But what they didn't do is to voice them.

I can’t help but worry that looking at yourself as a pure follower without recognizing your input in the scene might lead to disempowerment and passivity. Not passivity in the sense of ‘active vs passive bottoming’ which is a popular nowadays but in my opinion rather useless way to define bottoming styles, but passivity in the sense of lack of initiative, energy and input.

And I missed hearing recognition of what many of the bottoms like and have to offer. I missed hearing that they know what kind of connection they are looking for in ropes.

Because I am sure that each bottom has a lot to contribute to a scene and that we have an active role in co-creating it. Following (more or less active) is about responding to the actions of your partner with an appropriate level of energy and can (or even should) involve giving your input as long as it doesn’t overpower, but complement, the lead.

Having the knowledge of what kind of bottom you are and what kind of experiences you can create with your rigger is a power. It gives you confidence and it makes you recognize your value. And I think that the value and the contribution of bottoms into tying, no matter what their bottoming style is, needs more understanding and recognition.

Let’s be honest, being in ropes is an extreme experience

Being in ropes, especially in a semi-suspension or a suspension is putting your body in a state of extreme stress and sometimes even panic. It seems to me, though, as if we tend to forget it sometimes. We are bombarded with pictures of serene models in extreme positions everywhere on social media nowadays. Even in videos, many seasoned models don’t make a sound even in the most difficult ties.

Of course, each model has their own unique way of expressing themselves, but I am afraid that the currently popular limited expression (or rather the difficulty to depict the full rope bondage experience honestly in photography) often results in misunderstandings about how rope bondage feels. And the fact is that it is often painful and difficult, as it is, or at least it was devised as, a way to torture people.

I loved it when Saara Rei mentioned that when she teaches in workshops, she always brings the models to an awareness about the difficulty of each position, and how the first time when you experience a position is always the hardest and that they should not shy away from expressing their struggle. I would take it even further and say that if you truly feel into your body in ropes, most of the kinbaku positions always put you in a state of struggle and bring you to the edge, no matter how many times you’ve been tied in them.

I do not want to undermine the reactions of any person to rope. They are all unique and valid. At the same time, I do feel like we need more emphasis on the fact that being bound by someone, having your freedom taken away or having your body suspended in the air from thin strings of rope without any way to protect yourself is not something casual. And it should not be taken as such.

I think that it should be something that one goes into with great awareness and care. It should be something that you truly desire and need. Otherwise, you might end up abusing your body or soul without even knowing what you are doing to yourself. For the sake of a pretty picture or a moment of internet fame? That is something that I do not wish on anybody.

The essential question of ‘Why’

During the round table, we were talking a lot about the authenticity in ropes and how important it is for a bottom to be able to feel and express in ropes. How our authentic expression and not getting into this or that position, or any other external achievement, should be our real goal.

Because when we are our authentic selves in ropes, we bring something to the table. We do not only want the riggers to serve us by giving us experience, but we also have something to give to them in return. We have something to offer and we know that. That knowledge gives us confidence and establishes our worth as co-creator of the tie. We become receivers but not absorbers of rigger's energy. Rather, we transform and multiply it by adding our own personality to it.

I truly believe that before you allow anybody to put ropes on you and take away your freedom, it is important to ask yourself why do you want to get tied. Only knowing that your personality can truly flourish in ropes. Only then you can truly ‘show up’ for the scene. At least in my case, knowing why I do ropes is a source of an infinite passion and energy for doing it, fueling my drive to experience each session deeply. On the other hand, if you are doing something, but you don’t feel strongly about the reasons why, especially if you are doing something so intense and on many levels risky, you are putting your well-being in danger.

Another, somehow less serious, danger is that the activity itself performed without proper ‘why’ will become empty, mechanic and lifeless. And that is the opposite of what I believe the rope bottom should bring into the tie. I think that our extremely important role in ropes is to be 100% present, to experience and express, to add our flavour to the tie and to inspire the rigger. If we are not sure why we are doing it, if we do not feel strongly about the reasons that put us in the position of being tied, we won’t be able to fill that role.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that finding your authentic self in rope is something immediate and easy. When I started getting tied, I had no idea why I enjoyed it so much. I wasn’t able to articulate what draws me to rope. And it is perfectly understandable. It takes experience and practice to gain that understanding. It isn’t something that you are born with. It is something that you find.

The ‘why’ neither needs to be fixed, nor it has to be single. I can name at least a couple of reasons why I love to be in ropes. And I don’t expect these reasons to stay unchanged. The same as my personality changes over time, my reasons for getting into ropes will change as well. But I know for sure that I would not want to get into ropes without a reason.

In my opinion, finding your ‘why’ might be one of the most important elements of your growth as a rope model. Because it gives a direction to all the rest of your development. You stop repeating the things that other people advise you to do and you start to follow your own intuition. You begin to develop in your own unique way.

I hope that the points that might have sounded as a critique in this writing will be inspiring rather than discouraging. I truly believe that rope bottoms have an important and equal contribution to tying. Without us, rope is only a lifeless piece of material. Only when we put our living bodies and souls into ropes, the ties become beautiful. We should recognize and cherish it. We should speak more about the ways in which each of us contributes to the ties. We should be aware of the unique experiences that we can provide to our riggers. We should do rope with passion and love for it because we know that being bound is what we truly desire.

And we should not shy away from indicating our value. We should not shy away from saying that being in bondage is something extreme that we put our bodies through and wanting the recognition for it that we deserve. We should not be afraid to say that not only leading but also following is an art that should be appreciated.

And to get the courage to do that, hearing from other bottoms about their experiences, sharing our victories and struggles can be truly transformative. We can learn a lot from each other and we can support each other as fellow bottoms.

But sometimes, we can also bring each other a lot of suffering. Especially when the contact that we have with other bottoms remains virtual and distant. In my next article, I am going to share more thoughts from the round table, which centre around what being part of a community brings us. It is going to be quite different from this one, but equally insightful, I hope.