On being tied in ‘Naka style’ by Naka-san

Photo by anonymous.

Have you ever been in the middle of something when you realised that it’s your dream coming true, only you didn’t even know you had such a dream? It happened to me. And it made me cry in ropes for the first time. 

The pandemic dust was settling slowly and more rope events were happening in Europe again, including visits by foreign teachers. One of them (considered by many to be the one) was Naka Akira-sensei whom Kinbaku Lounge in Copenhagen invited to give a workshop in October last year. On an evening before the workshop there was a ‘Semenawa kinbaku kenyukai’, modelling those that Naka-san organises in Japan. I decided to go even though I could not participate in the workshop (it was meant for people who have not learned from Naka-san before). In fact, seeing Naka-san tie Iroha-san and another model live seemed even more interesting than the workshop. I bought the ticket and waited impatiently for the day of the event.

To my surprise, a couple of weeks later I got a call from Namarie from Kinbaku Lounge asking me to be the other model at the event. At first, I could not believe it. “Me? A model of Naka-san?” He was one of my most important teachers and a Master completely out of reach. “Could this be true? Do I have anything to offer to him as a model?” It seemed that Namarie and Scott believed I did (and I will be forever grateful for it). I needed a day to sober up and to think about it but in the end I said “yes”. I don't think I could live with a peace of mind if I had given a different answer. Even though the thought of being tied by Naka-san in front of a crowd of strangers made me slightly nauseous. 

The day of the event was hectic. In the morning I flew from Berlin to Copenhagen (straight from another rope event, Eurix), picked up the keys to my weekend apartment, dropped the bags and rushed to the Kinbaku Lounge. And after a short city train ride, I stood eye to eye with living legends of kinbaku, Naka Akira sensei and Iroha-san (I know they don’t like to be called that but the truth is they are living legends). We exchanged pleasantries and were supposed to talk about the upcoming session but, I think, we both didn’t know where to start. There was so much to say and so little time that we both decided not to say much, stick to the basics, and see what would happen. He asked me if I was aware that his style of rope was erotic and how flexible I was. I said I was aware and alright with it and that I was relatively flexible. I showed him the dress I was planning to wear and he said he liked it because it had buttons going all the way down. He asked me if I would wear panties and I said yes, black ones. He said I could wear any colour I wanted. 

The moment he invited me on stage to kneel in front of him, I finally understood what was happening. I also realised that no matter how many pictures and videos of his rope I’ve seen and no matter that I did a workshop with him and Iroha-san and had seen them perform, he was a stranger to me. And there was no reason why I should submit to him. I didn’t know if I wanted to ‘be his’. And to me this is what happens when you let someone tie you. You belong to that person, even if for a short while. 

I was not sure how this session was going to go. The truth was that in the last months, or even years, I’d been going through a transformation and that transformation was not finished yet. If this session was happening a couple of months ago, I’d sit down in front of him, ready to give him everything right from the start. But not anymore. Yes, I was going to do what was necessary to make it worthwhile for the people who bought the tickets because I was a professional in some way, but would I give him all I had? That was undecided.

The first rope of the TK was uncertain, searching. I was sweaty and uncomfortable and the swarm of thoughts in my head was not helping. ”Am I behaving the way he thought I would? Will I be able to survive what he’ll tie? What am I doing here? Am I going to deliver an experience that Namarie and Scott were hoping for?” I think that Naka-san felt this uncertainty too. We were both a bit shy, insecure. The question “Is the other going to like what I have to offer?” was going through both our heads, it seemed. And we didn’t know the answers yet. One thing was sure, though, I liked him being close to me. I didn’t feel uncomfortable when he sat right behind me and extended his ropes around me, almost like an embrace. It felt good.

He tied the first rope, broke my seiza and displayed me to the audience talking about how for him each rope was a finished image. Each rope mattered. I was not sure what I was supposed to do at that time so I decided to just be there and react to what was happening with as much honesty as I could muster. In fact, it was the least and the only thing I could do. 

Photo by anonymous.

From then on my memories get a bit blurry. There was a second rope of a TK and being displayed again. There was a slow unbuttoning of my dress and Naka-san saying he enjoyed it because there were so many buttons. He did not want to reach his goal as soon as possible. He savoured the process, peeling my layers off slowly. The unbuttoning made me feel wanted which made me feel shy which made me turn my head away as I often do. Was it real shame or was I flirting with him? I still don’t know until today. The mysteries of my unconscious are mysteries to me as well. 

Then there was a moment, still on the floor but after an upline already supported me from above, when he opened my legs and started tying a harness around my thighs and hips, the one in which you put the rope very high around the thighs, almost in the groin, and which was always painful to me because the insides of my legs are hyper-sensitive. I remember thinking that it was going to be difficult if he was going to use it in a suspension, even though he probably thought it would make things easier because it provided additional support. But I didn't say anything. I was there to experience what was there to experience and the only shadow of influence I allowed myself was to express how I was affected by it. But whether he would be able to read and respond to it, we could not know yet.

But then he attached the hip rope to the TK in such a way that I arched my back and sat up straight and that was the first surprise. I was trying to hide by arching my back and hanging into the TK and he made me display myself. I didn’t expect that. I felt exposed but also seen. I felt toyed with and I liked it. Up until now, the session was rather objectifying but this was the first time I felt that it was not about objectification at all. Naka-san was trying to get to know me. And it seemed like he was starting to get at something. 

Things continue to be blurry from that moment on. There was a futomomo and at some point I was up in the air. There was also a third rope on my chest. And another futomomo. And a lot of rope around my wrists which was biting into my lower arm and reminding me that what we were doing was dangerous. I was 60% certain I wouldn’t get injured so I went with it because I didn’t want his torture to stop. There was a moment when I was hanging upside down from two futomomos and a waistline with my legs spread open and I felt like I was about to be sacrificed or like I was being punished for something horrible I’d done, my breasts revealed bare, my image must have been a mixture of erotic and miserable, one enhanced by the other. 

Photo by anonymous.

As I was hanging there, I thought it was about to be over. I thought that it was the final dramatic position and I was about to go down and get that sweet feeling of “it’s all over now” and “you are ok now” and to bask in the memories of what I went through. Only it wasn’t. In fact, what happened at that moment felt more like a beginning. And that was a second surprise. I can’t tell why but I think that it was only then when Naka-san started to tie me for real. I don’t know if it was because I became completely open and bare or because he got out of his patterns and his creativity began to really flow. 

All I know is that when he pulled my TK up and when I ended up in something like a gyaku-ebi (only it was not a gyaku-ebi because the rope around my lower back was preventing me from bending so I was basically just spread open in all directions), something left me and something entered me. And when he lay down under me to have a look at what he did, I couldn’t help the tears falling. I still don’t know why. I never cry in ropes but with this man I did. And it’s not because he was the meanest or the most ruthless of them all. There was not one thing he did to me that somewhere deep inside of me I didn’t want. And it was so vulnerable to know that he knows. 

I’m not trying to make this experience spiritual. Let’s face it, I was exposed and erotically tortured in front of a crowd of people by a perverted older man. And I liked it. It was not about god but about sex. But it was exactly the realisation that this perverted sexual experience was what I wanted and he could see it that made me feel so vulnerable. There was no escape from it because there I was, hanging exposed, with one of my arms losing feeling and yet I didn’t say stop. I didn’t say I wanted out. I let him go on, past anything I’d thought was reasonable, because this was exactly who I was. And he was in it with me.

In the past I wrote about Japanese rope being objectifying and I must say I might have been wrong. Yes, what Naka-san did to me was objectifying but only if I imagined how it must have looked from the outside. Apart from the first part of the scene when he was tying me and talking to the audience I did not feel objectified. Yes, he was exposing and enjoying my body but, somehow, the entire time I felt we were in this together. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t human to him. On the contrary, my humanity seemed to be the most interesting part of me to him. 

A friend of mine who saw this session said that it was like watching our first couple of dates unfold fast-forward right in front of their eyes. And I believe it. It certainly felt like we got to know each other even though we barely talked. I guess the way you get to know someone when they put you through misery which they know you crave creates an understanding that is deeper than words. 

One thing we know for sure after that evening. We are both perverts. And we are not afraid to show it.

Rope gives meaning to my pain

Photo by A-Nicolas

I sometimes wonder, or get asked, why do I like to get tied. It is a difficult question to answer because I like it with different people for different reasons. I like to be under the power of dominant men and suffering in their ropes is a way to express my devotion to them. I like to feel helpless and abused and rope is a great tool for my partners to make me feel this way. I like to serve, to please people with my being. I like it when people enjoy me. 

I could go on and on about it. The reasons why I enjoy rope are ever-changing but they are always strong. Without a strong reason to be in ropes, I could not show up for my partners and this is one of the worst things, I believe, a model can do. To not show up for the scene. 

There is one reason, however, that is the strongest, deepest and most personal of all. It is so deeply ingrained in my being that I believe that, in some way, it always shows up, even if my partners use it in different ways. 

Rope bondage is my laboratory for investigating vulnerability. It is a place where I research my openness and where I look at how it behaves in case I get rejected, toyed with or when my vulnerability is used against me. Can I stay with my partner regardless? Can I bear it and keep on giving? 

It is quite easy to be open and vulnerable with the people who you know care about you. In the face of deep and honest love our hearts almost automatically open up. But what if you give yourself to someone and they take your gift, throw it to the ground and crush it with their feet? Will you retreat into yourself to start licking your wounds? Will you close yourself up to them? Or will you stay with your perpetrator, blood soaking from the wounds they gave you, but you still loving them with your entire aching heart? 

There are two ways in which one can approach hurting other people. One can hurt them because one stops seeing humans in them like it is in the case of torturers or soldiers during the war¹. They are trained to see the people they torture and kill as objects, as a means to a goal, a necessary damage. They don’t feel with those they hurt. They don’t empathize with them. They don’t feel the pain of their victims. One can also hurt someone while feeling with them. One can acknowledge they are in pain caused by oneself. One can see their pain, go through it with them and let it transform one as well. Akira Naka sensei once said that he is not a sadist, that when he hurts the model he feels with her, he feels her pain. I believe him and at the same time, I would not necessarily say that it means that he is not a sadist. I believe that many kinky sadists feel with the people they hurt. Just like masochists can be transformed through their own pain, sadists can be transformed through the pain of the other, the one who is suffering for them. But to be able to go through that, they need to see humans in the people they hurt.

When I am being hurt, I want to stay human for the one who gives me pain. I want to stay when they rage. I want to stay when they torture me. I don’t want to escape what they are doing to me. I don’t want to leave my body and go with my mind somewhere else. I want to stay for them just where they’ve put me. I want to hold space for them. I want to withstand their storm and meet them at the other end with my arms wide open. I want both of us to be transformed by what I am going through. They are making all that effort to hurt me, I don’t want it to be wasted on me hiding away. 

I can imagine that hurting people is not an easy thing to do. It must not be easy to allow oneself to act upon the dark urges that hide within oneself, to acknowledge them and let them be expressed. I appreciate it when my partners do. I appreciate their bravery in revealing who they are to me. And I want to show it to them by staying open to their actions, staying open to whatever process hurting me triggers in them, allowing them to explore the dark corners of their psyche, knowing that I am there with them, that I am receiving everything they have to give me and I will not leave them behind in their dark night. We will see the light at the end together. 

I have a history of being hurt by people whom I loved. I have been hurt by them over and over again and I was always coming back. Back then, because I didn’t have a choice. I had nowhere to go. But at the same time, I also didn’t want to leave them. I could see they were hurting as well. I could see how lost they were, unable to behave any different. I accepted that and I kept on loving them despite everything they did to me. Because the possibility of closing off and leaving them felt even more painful than whatever they were doing to me. 

Rope provides me with a contained ritual in which I can relieve those situations from my past. You could see it as unhealthy. You could say that I should learn how to get out of my unhealthy patterns and take better care of myself. But I think that its exactly what I am doing. In ropes, and in kink in general, I meet the most vulnerable, the most hidden parts of myself and I give them a voice so that I can finally see the beauty that hides inside of them. I can finally see the beauty that is in my pain. 

Kinbaku is a space where, instead of turning away from my uncomfortable experiences, I meet them with my attention and curiosity. Where I ‘see’ them and allow them to ‘play out’ without any censorship. So that I can learn how they operate. So that the most hidden aspects of me can finally see the daylight and become integrated into the image I have of myself. So that there is no part of me that I feel ashamed of.  A rope scene is a space where I meet my demons and where they invite the demons of my partners to dance. Through my pain. Through my suffering. Through my challenge, we both find peace with who we are. 

I could be bitter about the fact that it is always me who is hurt but I am not because it makes perfect sense. I’ve spent so much time in my life experiencing pain, investigating it, toying with it and turning it around that I am ideally positioned to be its receiver. Pain is my old friend. 

You could say that I am doomed but I would rather say that I am blessed. I get to explore the parts of human experience that not many people have entered and left sane. I get to be the gate for my partners to places they would never otherwise have reached. 

I am a necessary piece of a puzzle. A rarely visited but wildly beautiful garden. It might be scary to enter at first but I will guide through it the ones who have dared to visit it. Finally, there is meaning in my pain. 

¹ Scarry, Ellain. The Body in Pain: The Making and Unmaking of The World. Oxford UP, 1987.

Everything you ever wanted to know about (female) rope modelling outfits but you were afraid to ask

Photo by RothR.

I put quite a lot of attention to what I am wearing for a rope scene because I believe that it has a big influence on my interaction with the rigger. Like with everything, learning what that influence actually is has been a journey for me. Rope fashion is not a topic as deep as exploring limits, losing control, eroticism, handling rejection, or being patient which I have explored in the past. However, that does not mean that it doesn’t have a significant impact on the way I receive rope. Or that it is less important.

In general, I like beautiful clothes and I like how what I wear can influence my identity, not only in ropes. Paying attention to such things is often seen as vain but I do not think that it has to be. Clothes are a big part of our lives, we wear them every day, and I believe that treating such a fundamental activity with care permeates other aspects of our lives as well. Putting attention to what you wear can be vain if it becomes your master but it can also be a powerful tool of self-expression if you master it. 

Your outfit is a strong non-verbal message perceived immediately upon seeing you, often without even realizing it. It also can influence the way that you perceive yourself. Wearing a beautiful garment for a meeting is an expression of respect and interest. The style you chose indicates your attitude and the quality of your attention for the occasion. And even people who at first sight seem not to care about their appearances are actually sending a powerful message. For example, people who do not adjust their clothing to the occasion, who always wear the same thing, build an aura of mystery and make themselves more difficult to read. Since they always look the same, their intentions become more obscure to the onlooker, keeping them on the edge.

As in life, in ropes my clothes influence the way that I feel and the way I am perceived by the rigger. Through that, outfits also influence the ties that I will end up being tied in. Additionally, some garments require skill from the rigger to handle them well and what you wear might have an impact on the quality of your scene if your rigger does not possess these skills.

I have tried many styles and designs of clothes for tying. Here is a list of them (with one exception) in order, more or less, from my least to most favorite. I hope that it will help create a better understanding of how what you wear as a female model affects your scene and will prevent at least a couple of unsuccessful shopping choices. 

Leggins and sport outfits

They are comfortable and easy to tie in. But, to be honest, I am not sure if you ever need to be that comfortable in ropes. I guess that they can be good for practice but they definitely do not create an atmosphere encouraging to turn it into something more. I used to wear them in the past and even invested in a couple of more ‘sexy’ sports outfits but have recently resigned from them altogether. Even the ‘sexy’ ones are still kind of sporty. And personally, even when I model for someone for practice, I still like to feel feminine. It helps me to enter the mindset of softness and vulnerability that I like to cultivate in ropes. 

Verdict: Depending on what you are looking for, they can work. Do not work for me because of the specificity of what I am looking for in ropes.

Lingerie

It is sexy, definitely, but to me wearing it kind of robs the scene of some mystery. I like to feel innocent at the beginning of a session and then have the rope gradually peel off that innocence. Starting a scene wearing lingerie only, especially sexy lingerie, gives an impression of flirtiness and confidence which is the opposite of what I want to emanate in ropes. Plus, it pretty much shows everything right from the start. There is not much for the rigger to discover once they finally have the power to explore whatever they felt like exploring. If you present yourself in lingerie right away, you give them one less reason to want to tie you as they can already see everything they wanted to see. 

Verdict: It can make one look sexy and beautiful but do not attract the kind of pervs that I am interested in. It also creates a mindset that clashes with the way I usually want to feel in ropes. I sometimes wear it when I want to feel hot and desired but it does not work for most of the styles that I like to be tied in. 

Leotards

They are pretty sexy and at the same time easy to tie. They fit the body accentuating its natural shape. Their tight fit makes sure that no folds or creases unnoticed by your rigger will deform your body in ropes. On the other hand, because they are showing so much, they do not leave much to the imagination. Additionally, they do not provide much opportunity for the rigger to play with undressing you. You are covered a bit more than in lingerie, but still, pretty much everything is visible or easily imaginable. Additionally, depending on their design, they can have a gymnastics outfit vibe which I don’t particularly like in ropes.

Verdict: Good for a workshop or practice when the rigger needs to focus on rope and not handling your clothes. Not the best choice for steamy semenawa rope scenes for reasons listed above for lingerie. 

Naked

Being tied naked definitely solves the issue of handling your clothes by your partner. At the same time, it strips you off any potential mystery. To me, it has its special charm, however. It makes me feel truly below the person tying me right from the start of the scene (especially if they are not naked which is pretty much always the case). There is no question that I am the vulnerable one and that I am going to be toyed with. Contrary to what one might expect, exposing ties gain more power when I am tied naked because they rob me of the hope of somehow hiding my nakedness. Having my legs spread or my body open in general (chest up, head up) makes it clear that I can’t hide and intensifies the struggle of being exposed.

Verdict: Not my go-to (lack of) outfit but I do enjoy it from time to time in skillful hands. It can enhance shame or humiliation play. I only get tied naked if I am ordered to. 

Skirts

Recently I’ve developed a taste for wearing skirts for tying, especially long ones, extending at least below the knee. They work for pretty much the same reasons as dresses (see below) and I like them because they allow for more diversity (by matching different tops) than dresses. Also, I can wear a stretchy top (good for exposing the breasts) and a non-stretchy skirt (flowy and beautifully looking in suspensions). The only problem with them is that because your outfit will be two parts instead of one your rigger needs to pay more attention to keeping all the moving parts looking good. It can get messy and they should pay attention to keeping the mess aesthetically pleasing (unless they do not care but I do believe that visual dimension is a big part of rope bondage and that it should be mastered by the rigger next to handling the ropes. Once they have mastered it, they can make you ugly if they please but only if it is on purpose and not out of ignorance.)

My favourite skirts for tying:

• Medium length or longer, flowy, wrap skirts,

• Medium length buttoned on the entire length, flowy, with slits.

Verdict: Skirts are a great outfit for tying! As long as your rigger is able to handle their potential as they can be more tricky than dresses to drape around the body. 

Dresses

Dresses are probably my favorite ‘everyday’ outfit for tying. The stretchy short ones with slightly wider skirts are perfect for any kind of scene. They make me feel feminine and pretty, putting me in the right mindset for the scene. At the same time, they are comfortable and easy to handle for the rigger (stretchy fabrics and short design do not create too many hurdles when it comes to handling the clothes of the model and they usually wrap nicely around the body).

Longer dresses require more skill from the rigger to drape properly and do not work so nicely for any kind of tie. They work better for slower and a bit more static ties (usually they are a great choice for ties in the Naka style). They have great potential for playing with exposure. They give one a feeling of being dignified and elegant at the beginning of the scene which later on can be delightfully broken. 

My favorite types of dresses for tying:

• Wrap dresses, short and medium, best if it is possible to open it for real (more potential for hot undressing), with short sleeves or straps.

• Buttoned dresses (through the entire length), short, medium, long.

• Shirt dresses (buttons - great for exposure play), any length, I would keep the sleeves short so that the wrists stay bare. 

• Tight stretchy mini dresses - only if you don’t mind your panties being exposed, the chance is very high as the dress will travel up the moment you raise a leg. They are very sexy although they make you look a bit slutty. At the same time, they are still more mysterious than lingerie.

My favorite fabrics are natural because they can breathe and are much more pleasant to wear in the heat of the moment of struggle:

• Stretchy cotton,

• Viscose,

• Cotton (non-stretchy),

• Silk.

Verdict: Dresses are simply the best for tying. You can never have enough of them. Adjust the design (especially the length and fabric) to the style and the tie. 

Juban

I love being tied in a juban. I love how shielded and protected it makes me feel. And I love how slow and meticulous undressing makes me feel the barest and exposed that I have felt so far. I love the ritual of putting it on and being undressed from it in ropes. And I love the beauty and the intricacy of their patterns and fabrics (especially the vintage ones). 

They do, however, require a skillful rigger to handle them well and undress the model in a way that is beautiful and accentuates their body instead of making it grotesquely deformed. And they do require the knowledge of how to put them on in the right way (which is far from easy). I do not think there is anything wrong with a Westerner wearing a Japanese garment as long as they handle it with respect and care for the tradition that it came from. I don’t see why I should not wear them if I find them beautiful and wearing them makes me feel special. So I do.

Verdict: Being tied in a juban is a unique experience. To me, it is not something for everyday tying but it sure makes a scene special and I love to be tied in it by skilled riggers who know how to handle it. It is a skill of its own but one worth learning and experiencing, especially if you appreciate other aspects of Japanese aesthetics.  

Kimono

I must admit, I have never been tied (or have worn) a full kimono. I do realize that both putting it on as well as handling it in rope is much more complex than only the undergarment (juban). Visually, I find them absolutely stunning but looking at the number of layers and complexity of the process of putting them on I do not think that it will be my favorite outfit for tying. Also, because of the number of layers, I expect one to get extremely hot wearing it for demanding ties. And one needs a truly knowledgeable rigger with an eye for the to expose one in style in a kimono. 

Despite all that, I would love to get tied in a kimono one day as I find them absolutely beautiful and I expect their complex construction might be giving me an interesting feeling of being trapped in my garments even before getting tied. They look beautiful in pictures and performances but are not an outfit for every-day tying. 

Verdict: No verdict as I haven’t tried it yet but it is something that I am looking forward to trying. I do not expect it to be my favourite, though. More something for really special occasions. 

As you can see, I put quite a lot of attention to the clothes I wear when I am being tied and I believe that I have learned to make them work for me. Because of what I am looking for in ropes, feminine pieces of clothing such as skirts and dresses are my favorites as they make me feel more beautiful delicate and feminine, and at the same time allow the rigger to play with the exposure and leave the decision of how exposed I am going to be to them. I change the lengths and fabrics to set my mood but in general, I always like to keep my rope clothing easy (or at least possible) to undo and expose me. Depending on the purpose of the scene (practice, workshop, session) I might go for more or less comfortable. Depending on the skill of the rigger and their eye for the detail, I might go for more or less easy to handle. 

Finally, being tied in a juban is for me something very special and I am looking forward to experiencing being tied also in other Japanese garments. They have a visual beauty that I find very appealing but also the experience of being undressed from their layers is intense and unique, something that I have not been able to find so far wearing western clothing.

When the time comes I want to be empty for You so that You can fill me in

I’ve been recently shedding off more and more of my expectations and (what I think are) my needs, in rope, in BDSM and in life in general. I began to realize that they are clouding my experience of what is right in front of me. Instead of living my life in the shape that it is having at this moment, and learning from it, I dream almost constantly about the things that might happen or about the things that I miss. The fact is, though, that no need or desire fulfilled in my dreams is better than the most mundane reality. Because nothing beats direct experience.

When you are having an intense D/s encounter with someone, it is easy to be in the moment. It is easy to forget yourself in the midst of the sensual flood that is descending upon you. It is easy to enjoy what is happening. To open up and be vulnerable. In such a case, it is easy to let go. To allow yourself to feel and to be. To experience all there is to experience. To reach the depths of your existence.

It is also easy to get used to these highs. To begin to crave and seek them. To begin to feel as if you can not live without them. And even to begin to seek the experience more than the person you are doing it with. To feel so much in need for that depth or intensity that you will jump on anyone who is willing to provide you with even a glimpse of it.

It used to be the case with me and rope. I used to feel as if I needed to do rope. I would nag my riggers to tie me because I felt that I just needed to feel the rope around my body. That I will die if I don’t get it. It didn’t matter so much what they would tie on me. It almost didn’t matter who was tying me. The only thing that mattered was the rope. Around my body. And if it was mixed with a hint of a D/s power exchange, I was in heaven.

But recently, I’ve decided that it is not the way that I want to approach my practice. I do not want to use my riggers as disposers of sensations. I do not want to put pressure on people to provide space for me to get rid of the tensions that are within me. I do not want to treat my partners as simply means to get my needs met. I do not want my well-being to be dependent on whether or not I find a person to satisfy me on short notice. And I do not want my decisions of whether or not to give my freedom and soul to someone else to toy with to be dictated by the fact that I haven’t done it in the last couple of days.

I want to get tied by people when I feel like I want to get tied by them. I want my ‘Yes’ to be a ‘yes’ to this person at this moment in time, not an ever sounding ‘yes’ to anything that is slightly resembling what I am desperately craving for.

For that, I had to dissect what rope provides me with and find other ways in which I can provide it to myself. Not so that I don’t want to do rope anymore, but rather so that when I decide to taste someone (again), it is not because I am dying of hunger and I would eat anything that is put in front of me but because they look delicious and I really really am curious to see how they taste in a combination with my own flavour. And I am satiated enough to be able to savour the experience instead of devouring it all in one go.

I believe that I managed to do that. I have found out the things that being in ropes was providing me with. Some of them I didn’t like at all and decided to try to get rid of the need for them all together. For others, I have found ways to give it to myself without the use of rope.

I found ways to allow myself to open up and be vulnerable without having my body be bound by rope. I found ways to surrender in my daily life. I can provide a physical challenge to my body, make myself feel every little muscle in it without the help of bondage. Finally, I can be in the moment, experience all there is to experience, without having someone else to push me into it.

That doesn’t mean that I do not want to be in ropes anymore. It doesn’t mean that I am not looking forward to having my freedom taken away from me by someone else again.

It means that now when I get to feel Your rope tightening around my body again, when I get to feel Your presence taking away all my power, I will be empty and unbarred, ready to take You in. I will be there for You whole, the empty cup of my perception ready to be filled with the emotions that Your touch on my skin (or the lack of it) evokes. I will be ready to receive You and dance with You as we are, without expectations, without need, without preconceived images of what this encounter should be. I will be ready to take what You give directly, without trying to mould it into the shape that I want it to be.

Because when the time comes and we will get to dance this dance of power and weakness, of beauty and ugliness, of love and hatred, of life and death together, when we get to explore the most delightful distance and the most unbearable closeness, when our bodies and our minds get to meet, I need to be there whole and pure to truly meet You. I need to be there certain that this is exactly where I want to be, and You are exactly the person who I want to be with. I need that certainty in order to feel ready to jump over the cliff of my understanding, into the unknown.

And then I want to be empty. So that You can fill me in.

On how Akane-san gave us everything she had

Recently, I had the pleasure to participate in an unique rope event, Onawa Asobi festival in Antwerp. Originally organised by Yoi Yoshida in Tokyo, Japan, this year it was brought to Europe as a joint effort of BeShibari, shibarista_jesss and Yoi-san.

The idea of the festival is to bring together amateur and professional Shibari enthusiasts and to allow them to present to the audience their way of practicing rope. In 2 days, 14 performances, 30 minutes each, were held during the day, while in the evenings free tying took place during ropejams. The diversity of performances was overwhelming and each of the participants showed us their own way of practicing shibari with heart and dedication. It was eye-opening and very inspiring to see how versatile a tool rope is, and how many different aspects are there to enjoy about it.

There was one performance that left a particular imprint on me and I would like to write about it here. To me it was a perfect illustration of something that I have felt strongly about for a while now and that I feel that is not necessarily talked about enough.

The power that the model has in moving the audience. And the effort and hard work that they put in to be able to do so.

The performance

The performance that I am going to write about was the one of BeShibari and Akane-san. BeShibari is a well known rope artist, teacher and event organiser from Antwerp. Akane-san is one of the most famous Japanese models, being a model of Yukimura-san and Naka-san among others. I'm embarrassed to say that despite this fact I haven't heard about her until this event. This proves my own ignorance of course. But it's also, I think, an illustration of the general tendency in our European community to be much better informed about the riggers than about the models.

It started with Akane-san lying on the floor on her side with her face towards the ground. Already this starting position was indicative to me of her readiness to give, to be sacrificed. Then the chest harness was tied on her not by BeShibari, but by his partner, Shibarista_jesss, which was an interesting and unexpected twist. It felt as if Akane-san was being prepared by Jess, like a prisoner is before their execution, to face her faith that was awaiting her at the hands of BeShibari.

During this first part of the session Akane-san had certain difficulties breathing, you could hear that she had a slightly runny nose and she was struggling to remain in the moment and not focus too much on this nuisance. It is possible, although this might just be my projection, that this actually caused her to go even deeper within herself because she needed to dig further in order to overcome this physical inconvenience and really allow the ropes to penetrate her. Whether that was really the case or not is beyond the point, though. What is the point is that she did go very deep and her total openness and surrender to the tie that came after left me speechless.

I can’t even recall the positions that she had been put in, I remember that they involved a futomomo and a chest harness but that is about it. Because the positions were not at the center of this performance to me. Her sharing with us her vulnerability was. It is hard to pinpoint what exactly gave me this feeling, but I could feel that she surrendered fully to the tie and her faith. She was not trying to escape the pain and struggle, she was not trying to deflect, fight or hide away from it. She was living it fully, to the last drop. And she was showing it all to us.
Some people admire the strength or physical beauty in the models, some people admire their calm or serene way of taking ropes.

I admire vulnerability. I admire the ability and willingness to submit to the hardship and being honest in your expression of it. I admire the ability to open up completely to the ropes, to allow yourself to be free in captivity, to express everything that is inside of you. Let every feeling and every sensation out in the open. I admire the willingness to admit your struggle, to admit your weakness, to allow the ropes to penetrate and transform you. And all this is to me what Akane-san has showed to us.

Seeing her opening up to us, seeing her bare and exposed in front of us, seeing how much she can give and her actually doing it has brought me to tears. With her catharsis in ropes, I went through my own small version of it.
She's moved me, she's made me feel and that to me is one of the main qualities of an artist. Make people go through something with you, take them on an emotional journey, make them feel or reflect. I think that there is no real art without vulnerability, without the willingness of the artist to expose themselves to the spectators. And while I don’t want to take away the importance of BeShibari in creating the space for this beauty and depth to unfold in front of our eyes, it would not happen without the readiness of Akane-san to give it all to us. In that sense Akane-san is definitely an artist to me and with this performance they proved that kinbaku is an art.

Afterthoughts

As a model myself I seek other models that could serve as a role model and inspiration to me. I seek proofs that, despite of what the perception of model's role in the bondage scene nowadays is, our role is essential, inevitable and important. That we are not interchangeable. That we contribute to the tie and to the scene. Because I believe that no matter how remarkable the rigger is, without an equally giving and remarkable model, the tie is not going to shine. And with a remarkable model even simple bondage holds depth and beauty. Because it's depth and beauty that fills it in.

You could say that I have no reason to complain because actually the role of the model in bondage seems to be gaining more and more recognition nowadays. It's important, however, to investigate what is that recognition given for. Is it because they're young, beautiful, flexible or physically strong? These are all admirable traits, but the problem with them is that they are all pretty much inborn and are not something that one can aspire to or can improve upon (at least not to a great degree). So their admiration is happening more in terms of awe than a source of inspiration and empowerment. But maybe there is something else that the models can be recognized for? Not something that they've been born with but something that they've worked on and developed and that can be a source of teaching and inspiration to other models? I believe there is.

I believe that there are many ways in which an experienced and skilled model contributes to bondage and I would love seeing more credit being given to them for it. Not only seeing their beauty and physical strength, but the power of their mind, their readiness to open up and be vulnerable, their ability to engage with the ropes and with their partner and their fluency in receiving and being in ropes.

These are all difficult to master and admirable qualities that any model can develop through hard work and practice. To me they are more praiseworthy than beauty or strength because they're something that takes perseverance and effort to master. And I think that that effort is really visible in the tie.

To me, watching Akane-san in ropes was a source of great inspiration and learning. Not only because she was beautiful but because what she showed to us was a display of her mastery. She showed me something that I, as a model, can aspire to. She made me want to practice modelling so that one day I can go on the stage and give as much as she did and maybe also make someone in the audience go through a journey with me. I hope that it's not only me who sees it that way and I hope that through events like that our sensibility and appreciation of kinbaku will grow not only in terms of rigging, but also modelling abilities.

This event was not only a display of different styles of tying, but also of different styles of being in ropes. Some might say that it's something obvious to say but I feel like it's not, and I feel like it's time to recognize the models for the effort that they're putting into being in ropes. Not simply praising each of them for showing up but recognizing and appreciating what they actually put in. And learn from the ones who inspire us the most.

Thank you to all the organizers, performers and the rest of the participants for this great event. Thank you for filling my weekend with unforgettable moments. Thank you for making me feel and reflect. I hope that we will all learn from this great experience.

My sacrifice is a solitary space

Photo by theurbanchange.

I’ve been thinking recently about my ways to receive ropes. I say ways because they are different depending on who I tie with, my mood, their mood, the dynamics between us in that particular moment, the style that we tie in and many other factors. There are certain experiences that I crave and seek more than others, however. One of them is the feeling of sacrificing myself for the rigger. 

It happens especially in slow scenes full of suffering. The kind of scenes where the ropes are deeply torturous and I am given a lot of space to contemplate it. When I have time to sit with my agony and let it sink in. To digest it and let it transform me. These are the kind of scenes that require a lot from me. A lot of focus. A lot of energy. A lot of sacrifices. And these are the kind of scenes that I crave deeply. 

At the same time, these are not states that I take lightly. These are not things that I would do with anybody. To go that far and that deep, I need to be determined. I need to set myself on a road of no return. I need to make a conscious decision to transgress my limits because only there the real torment happens. Only when the pain and effort are beyond what I would willingly take, the ritual of my sacrifice can take over. 

It might seem like a beautiful and intimate act. That sacrifice. An act that is bringing me and my rigger together. An act that they should marvel over and appreciate me for. That would make me beautiful and precious in their eyes. This is not what I seek through my actions, however. I don’t seek connection. I do not do this for my rigger to see and appreciate me at this moment. I do it because I want to be in this very special space and sacrificing myself for them brings me there. 

What I am looking for is a solitary journey leading to a total resignation. A lonely path paved with pain and suffering slowly wearing off the joy and lightness from my stride. I am looking for the ultimate torment that will put the light out of my eyes. But I can’t get there if I have a companion on that journey. Because only solitary wanderers can reach that place.

I was teaching a workshop about kinbaku recently and explaining how being tied in a TK is the most important element of the session for me as it is the moment when I'm readying myself for what's about to happen. One of the participants after observing me in a demo said that it seems to them as if I'm very much on my own at that moment. That I've said that I do it for my rigger, but it seems as if I don't pay attention or connect to the rigger. As if I'm all focused inwards and on myself.

And I think that it's true what they've said. Indeed, my sacrifice is for the rigger but not with the rigger. I decide to do it for them because I want them to be able to use my body for what they've envisioned. Because I want them to enjoy the total control over my faith that they have at this moment. I want them to use and enjoy my gift. But I am not seeking to participate in their joy in any way. Even if they appreciate me at that moment, I'm not seeking to feel that appreciation. Because at that moment, I'm thickly covered in a veil of torment and I don't want it to be taken off and the light to be let in.

So I want my rigger to put me through the worst possible ordeal, bring me to the brink of my sanity and to leave me alone in there to suffer. It seems like you would have to be a heartless person to do such a thing. Yet, I see it differently. To me, letting me be with it alone is an act of trust and respect. Allowing me to deal with the experience that they are putting me through on my own shows to me that they believe in me and understand me. That they are able to receive the gift of my sacrifice. That they are able to hold it and will not bend under the weight of it. 

Having said that, it's not as if I demand that disconnection from my riggers. They are still the ones who lead the scene and decide where we are going. And if they decide that they want to be close to me and support me, they will and I will open up to them and appreciate it. It will ease my torture and allow me to feel deeply intimate with them. That feeling of being seen and for my suffering being witnessed is something powerful and beautiful to experience as well.  

But if they want to give me the space to be lonely in my sacrifice, I'll take it. If they're willing to take on these separate yet inseparably intertwined journeys, I'm here to join. It is a special act to participate in, being so close and at the same time so far away. This moment when each of you is feeding on the other's experiences, yet you know that in the end, you yourself are the only one who is the recipient of it. That you are completely alone in what you're going through, yet if it wasn't for the other person you would never have gotten there. 

I believe that at that moment the rigger is going through something similar. And I want them to be able to appreciate it fully without having to pay attention to what I'm experiencing. I want them to bathe in the solitude of power that they have over me as much as I am bathing in the solitude of my sacrifice. I want us to dance a dance of giving and taking, of yielding and control, of power and helplessness and get lost in it. Not seeing a human in our partners anymore, but a force, an idea, a space that is acting upon you and you're acting upon it. It is a solitary place to be in, yet being let in there by someone and meeting them again on the other side is one of the most intimate acts that one can share.

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.3 The most important question

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote the others, I do it based on my memory and understanding. The participants consented to me writing an account of our discussion, however they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below, however, I want to acknowledge that it wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

This is the third and the last of the articles that resulted from a round table discussion which I moderated during the last EURIX in the Fall of ‘19 and in which Anna Bones and Saara Rei were my main interviewees. The first one was centred around the topics of empowerment and authenticity of rope bottoms. The second one circled around being part of a community and how it impacts our practice. In this one, I summarize the insights from asking the participants a question that to me was the clue of the entire discussion and the one that I was leading towards. 

“What was your mindset and prerequisites for the best rope scenes that you’ve had?”

It was so important to me to ask this question because I believed that it will shift our discussion from theorizing about what is and isn’t important in bottoming to an empirical analysis that will be based on tangible experiences. In the end, the goal of both partners in rope is to have an amazing session. I wanted us to realize how much we as bottoms contribute to that outcome because I believe that we do. I believe that it is not only the rigger who is giving us amazing experiences but it is also us who can facilitate it. And that our good experience impacts our partners as it translates into the beauty of the tie and their involvement and enjoyment. I was hoping that the answers of the participants will give more substance to my beliefs in this regard. And they did.

First and foremost, embrace all the experience

What turned out to be the most important mindset that can make or break our scenes according to the round table participants was the readiness to embrace all the experiences in ropes, and especially the negative ones. It should not have come as a surprise to me as it was perfectly aligned with my intuition about what makes for the best scenes, but it did just because of how strong and unanimous this observation was among the participants. 

Both Anna Bones and Saara Rei (and I join them here) indicated that the most important bottoming attitude that brought the best scenes to them was being open to all the experience, not only looking for and expecting positive emotions but embracing and welcoming everything that comes.

Rope bondage by its nature evokes a lot of negative feelings, fear, pain, panic, helplessness, resignation, sadness, loneliness and rejection, just to name a few. If you close yourself to these, you close off to most of the experience that might be awaiting you in a session and your scene can become quite superficial. On the other hand, if you open up to the negative feelings, if you allow them to fill you up, to speak through your body, it can be a transformative and even cathartic experience.

It is easier said than done, though. You need a lot of courage to show up for all the emotions and bodily sensations that a rope scene might ignite in you. To not shut off your feelings but to take them on and truly experience them. Being able to do that does not come easily. It requires conscious practice and an open and investigative approach. And there are certain conditions that we touched upon in our discussion that can make it easier for that openness to happen.

The importance of trust

Time and again the notion of trust was coming up. Rope bondage is an activity in which the bottom hands over the power over their body and their safety to the rigger. It seems obvious that trusting the person who you give such power is essential. However, this common-sense notion is not always practised among the bottoms, especially among beginners. 

And it is understandable. When I began getting tied, I wanted to do it as much as possible. Just getting into ropes was way more important to me than who's ropes they were. I simply wanted to feel the ropes squeezing emotions out of me as often as I could. Over time it has changed, though. From my own experience, and as I’ve learned during the round table also from the experiences of others, the longer you tie, the smaller the frequency and amount of people that you want to get tied by. And that is not because over time we become elitist and only want to tie with the best or the most famous riggers. Rather, we learn to tie only with people whom we truly trust. And unfortunately, they are not so easy to encounter.

Reasons for trust can be multiple. It can come from knowing the person well, it can come from their skills, from recommendations of other people who you trust, or simply from having a good feeling about the person.

Different people have different means to decide whether they trust to get tied by someone or not. Saara Rei, for example, mentioned among others that she never gets tied by a new person prior to seeing them tie and being able to assess whether they are tying safely according to her standards (for example, locking the tsuri lines properly). I usually don’t consider tying with a new person unless I have spoken with them a couple of times and I feel like I have a good feeling of what kind of person they are. 

No matter what your way to make up your mind about trusting a person is, one thing is certain, getting tied by someone who you don’t trust is a recipe for a bad scene. In the most optimistic scenario.

The importance of clear communication

A statement that clear communication is important in rope bondage sounds like a terrible cliche. Despite that, I am still not sure if we are fully aware of how many aspects of a scene are influenced by the quality of the communication between the partners. 

It is often the case that the crucial part of the communication is taking place before the actual scene. Many participants indicated that having a feeling that their partner is seeing and hearing them prior tying was indicative of how good the scene was going to be. Two things are important to achieve that. First, it is important to be able to communicate your needs clearly and assertively. Second, we need to have trust towards the partner that these needs will be listened to.

To be able to communicate our needs, we need first to know what these needs are. Seems trivial but it is far from that. Communicating one’s needs does not necessarily mean giving a specific scenario that you want your scene to follow. It might also mean expressing that you want your partner to take you anywhere they want and that you are aware of the risks involved. That you are aware that they might accidentally cross your boundaries and you are willing to deal with the consequences. Without the latter statement, you should not count on your partner to truly let go and give you the experience that you desire. As long as they are a decent human being, they will be too afraid to hurt you unintentionally. 

It is also important to communicate your expectations in terms of the emotional intensity that you are looking for. one of the participants indicated that for her being attuned in these terms is one of the most important ingredients for a great scene. For example, I usually go quite deep in my scenes and I also usually get sexually aroused in rope. As great as it might sound, it might not match with what my partner is looking for. It is better to communicate it beforehand and if your expectations don’t match, simply don’t do rope or do it another day when your moods are more aligned. 

Getting to know your body is essential to go deeper

A very important point was raised by another participant who indicated that for her, getting to know her body in ropes, understanding it, is a key to be able to go deeper. This remark was a good wake up call for all of us after we’ve spent a lot of time talking about the emotional experiences, mindsets and feelings in ropes and it seemed like we almost forgot that rope bondage is a bodily activity.

Any mental state that we achieve, we achieve through our bodies. Forgetting about the physical experience in ropes and focusing solely on the mind, misses a bigger part of the practice.

There are many different ways to learn your body in ropes, I believe. For example, you can learn the theory of anatomy and body mechanics. You can try to understand what is happening in ropes to your body and base your feeling of safety on your knowledge and understanding. You can learn to actively protect different parts of your body depending on your conscious actions and execute that protection whenever you feel you should. 

You can also learn your body in ropes more intuitively, not by analysing what is happening to your body on an anatomical level but rather trying to simply feel whether what is happening is right or wrong. I believe that by progressively putting yourself in slightly more difficult positions or observing how different ties of different people feel, and by trying to remember what felt good and safe without necessarily analysing it in detail in your head, you can also learn your body in ropes pretty well. You won’t be able to describe exactly what is happening to you, but you will be able to tell whether you are safe. 

One way or another, treating rope as a bodily practice and learning your body in ropes is essential if you want to go deep. 

Some things come with experience

All skills that I've listed above are very important and maybe even essential if you want deep and satisfying experiences in ropes. And like any skill, they require time and practice to develop. That does not mean that you can’t have great scenes at the beginning of your journey, but simply that the better you get at the things mentioned, the deeper your experiences will become. And there is nothing wrong with that. This actually is where the beauty of rope bottoming is for me and the reason why I feel that I will never get tired of it.

In the beginning, everything is new and exciting. You want to tie with everyone, you want to experience every style. You do not have much understanding of what you are doing, though. You do not truly understand the risks. You do not know why you want to be in ropes. You do not feel comfortable in ropes. You experience a lot of excitement, fear, panic, pain or arousal but you can’t go much deeper. Your body and mind are too alarmed for that.  

With time you develop depth in your bottoming. You become a more aware and full persona in bondage. You build a repertoire of experiences that you can provide to you and your rigger. You are comfortable enough in ropes to begin to experience deeper and more complex emotions. Your mind is not in a state of constant panic anymore and you learn how to manipulate your mental states in ropes, how to play with them and how to express yourself. 

Also, with your growing experience, your partners can push you more and more. They can tie you more intensely because they know that you are aware enough to take part of the responsibility. They can trust that both of you have the same level of knowledge to be able to understand the risks involved and therefore the responsibility for your experiences is more equally distributed. 

With practice, you also learn how to deal with things when they go wrong. You learn what you need before and after the scene, for it to go well, you learn to make informed decisions about your partners and the circumstances for doing bondage. And you can inform your partners better on how to take care of you and provide both of you with a great experience. Over time, you also learn what you can and can’t do. You learn your body, its ability, its strong and weak points, and you are able to communicate them to your rigger. 

Experience makes you also become calmer in ropes. More composed. You learn how to express and communicate without words. You learn to recognize what is and isn’t safe. Thanks to that, your scenes can become longer and more fluent and you and your partner can start to experiment more. As Anna Bones said, at the beginning of your bottoming education you need to learn how to communicate verbally in ropes. How to talk about your experiences to your rigger. 

As you grow in your bottoming, you learn how to communicate less with words and more with your body and facial expressions. You begin to fill ropes with your expression and speak to your rigger with your reactions. You stop talking because you begin to feel and express the unspeakable. It is not anymore about safe or unsafe, painful or comfortable. It becomes a matter of whispers, murmurs and subtleties. The depth of your breath and twitch of your feet. The expressions of emotions that can’t be named.

I hope that reading this article makes you at least partly as inspired as listening to and discussing with the participants made me. I believe that we came to beautiful conclusions about what it is that we do in ropes as bottoms, why we love it and how can we facilitate ourselves and our partners in having even better and more enriching experiences.

Rope bondage provides us with a special space where we can explore the areas of our body and mind which are usually unexplored. It allows us to go to places which people don’t visit in their everyday lives. These places are often dark and scary but facing them with a mature mind, heart and body and with a trustworthy partner by your side can lead to truly cathartic experiences. 

And as much as becoming a good rigger takes years of relentless practice, I believe that becoming a fully developed bottom can take years of practice as well. Not technical empirical practice as it is in case of tying, but working with your mind and body to open up and to persevere, grappling with oneself and one’s fears and teaching your body to accept and adjust to the extreme conditions that you put it through. Finally, being a good bottom also means knowing oneself extremely well and being able to communicate about it. It means knowing how to recognize the people who are worthy to put your life in their hands and being able to let go and truly give it to them when they are.

I am not saying that every bottom should take on this path and I am not saying that those who don’t are not worthy of admiration. The sheer fact that you show up for a scene should be enough as long as its enough for your partner. There is no better or worse here. But what I am trying to say is that there are things in bottoming practice that are truly difficult and require mastery. And that the results that one gets from working on them are tangible and worth putting in the effort. 

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.2 The community

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote the others, I do it based on my memory and understanding. The participants consented to me writing an account of our discussion, however they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below. However, I want to acknowledge that it wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

This is the second article that resulted from a round table discussion which I moderated during the last EURIX in the Fall of ‘19 and in which Anna Bones and Saara Rei were my main interviewees. The first one was triggered by our discussion but also contained a lot of my own insights and was centred around the topics of empowerment and authenticity of rope bottoms. In this one, I gathered the topics that were circling around being part of a community and how it impacts our practice.

Rope bondage is an activity that is deeply personal and internal, but at the same time, it is often practised within a community. Many people tie with more than one person. We attend rope jams, workshops and rope festivals to meet and learn from fellow rope enthusiasts or to find new partners. We also connect virtually through discussion groups, forums and by following people who inspire us online.

Performing an intimate act of bondage in the presence (physical or conceptual) of other people is a delicate matter and it often leads to frictions. Some of them we talked about during our discussion and I describe here. We also touched upon how rapidly the rope community in Europe is growing and changing and how the roles of the bottom and the top are changing as well. Finally, we also mentioned how being a part of a community can be a source of strength and growth and how we can use this gift to our advantage.

There is a lot of unnecessary normativity in rope bottoming lately

There seem to be a lot of discussions about how to be a ‘better bottom’ recently. I must admit that I am probably one of the bottoms who contributes to perpetuating this notion. And while I don’t think that there is something essentially wrong in thinking about ways to get better at something, focusing on the improvement too much can lead to losing pleasure and meaning from the activity. And even worse than that, it can also lead to unnecessary competition and judgemental attitudes within a community.

I think that the most important thing to ask yourself when you notice an ambition for self-improvement is what your drive behind wanting to get better is? If your drive is internal, for example, you want to become more authentic in your bottoming, you want to deepen your and your rigger’s experiences in ropes or you want to internalize the activity for it to become more natural, then it should be safe to pursue your goal of improvement. Even then, though, you should keep yourself in check, because you might still get lost in the pursuit of the goal and miss out on the experiences that you’ve had on the path leading to it (been there, done that).

The real danger creeps in, however, when your drivers for self-improvement are external. For example, when you feel like you should become a ‘better bottom’ because all the other bottoms are improving. When you feel like you are not good enough already. Or when you want to improve because you think that only then you will get tied by a certain person or your pictures will get a lot of ‘likes’.

Basically, whenever instead of wanting to become a better version of yourself, you want to become better than somebody else, you run into trouble.

Because there will always be people around you who are better than you at each of the things that you are working on. And you can’t do anything about it. Usually, it won’t be one person who is better on all fronts, but separate people who are better at separate things, but that won’t make a difference for your well-being (it does make a difference, though, if you think about it). And this kind of thinking will lead to constant dissatisfaction and feeling of inadequacy (once again, been there, done that).

Competition can sometimes be beneficial, but I feel like especially in rope bottoming it is rather counterproductive. One of the very important threads during the round table was the fact that rope bottoming is an extremely individual and internal activity and how the core of it is being authentic to yourself and having an honest expression. If you keep on comparing yourself to others and competing with them, you begin to mould yourself in their image instead of focusing on finding your individual way of bottoming.

At some point, Saara Rei indicated that it seems to her like especially nowadays, because of the abundance of rope on social media and its growing popularity, we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other bottoms more often. When you only see people tying ‘live’ (as during the times when she was starting to get tied at Schwelle7), you only are confronted with other bottoming expressions during live rope events and even then not so much as you are mostly busy yourself.

Currently, we can be bombarded with beautiful bottoms hanging in impossible suspensions 24/7 if we wish. And it gets hard not to compare yourself with them. It gets hard to resist the wish to switch places with them. It gets hard to stop dreaming to be like them instead of developing being ourselves. But only the latter can bring us joy.

Let’s stop with the demeaning categorization of bottoms as simply ‘active’ or ‘passive’

There are many different ways to bottom for rope, as we’ve established already, but recently only two opposing camps in bottoming are being recognized, ‘active’ or ‘passive’. And there seems to be a lot of division between the two.

What was interesting to observe during the round table was the pressure to belong to one of the groups that many of the bottoms felt. And it was not because they necessarily identified with one of the notions, but simply because they couldn't escape being squeezed into one of the two boxes. And once you belong to one, you can’t help but resent the other, because each side feels oppressed by the opposite camp.

I, myself, got a label of a ‘passive’ bottom in my community, which for a long time I treated as offensive. Especially because my community consists mostly of ‘active’ bottoms, I ‘grew up’ in rope feeling like I was the less enlightened one, wanting to follow and surrender and not interested in learning how to manage my body actively in ropes. I was hearing all the time that a good bottom should be aware and active in managing their body in ropes and that the pinnacle of bottoming skills is being able to actively co-create the tie with the rigger and give them technical feedback on how to improve it.

How great was my surprise, when I heard from Anna Bones and other more ‘active’ bottoms (or at least the bottoms who are not that much into Naka-style or semenawa) that they, on the other hand, feel oppressed by the kinbaku modelling recently and that they feel like in the current narrative being able to let go and surrender in ropes is The Way in rope modelling and anything else is seen as simplistic and lacking spirit.

As it turns out, putting each other in boxes makes us all feel oppressed. And we failed to see any advantages of the ‘active’ and ‘passive’ division. It is too broad to benefit from belonging to either of the groups and too general for anyone to truly identify with it. So I think that it is time to drop it and find a better and closer to real way to define each other’s styles so that we can actually benefit from identifying with a certain style and sharing experiences with other bottoms who do.

There is no bottoming without the tops

The one thing that I was a bit sad about, was how little riggers have joined the round table discussion. I think that as much as models need to be considered and heard when talking about tying, riggers’ contribution is important when talking about getting tied as well.

And I think that as much as the importance of models' feedback in riggers' education is getting more recognition lately, hearing riggers’ voices during rope bottoming discussions is still a rarity. I hope that it is going to change soon because for me it is very important to know what riggers value in me as a model, and what they value in models in general. In the end, it is them who I want to get tied by.

Additionally, even if they wouldn’t want to give input into our discussion, simply hearing about modelling experiences is a huge learning for the riggers. When I teach in workshops and share my experiences after a demo, it is often riggers who come to me afterwards and thank me for the insight that I provided to them. And here, when given an opportunity to hear so much about modelling experiences, they did not show up.

At the same time, I also know that some people do not want riggers to participate in modelling discussions. And I understand. I understand why some people see a danger in inviting them in. I understand that they are seen as the ones who are often in positions of power and we don’t want them to dictate how we, ‘the weaker ones’, should feel and behave in ropes. Rope world is still dominated by men tying women and the history of men dictating women how they should be, and indoctrinating them, is long and painful. We do not want to repeat that in rope. We do not want to feel like others impose on us the behaviours that would make us desired. We want to be ourselves and be desired for that.

I, however, do not necessarily think that there is something wrong with wanting to give a pleasurable experience to your partner and hearing from them what would allow one to achieve that. As long as this want is not imposed on us and as long as it is reciprocal, listening to your partner and taking them into account is what makes for a great connection and beautiful scenes.

If we want the recognition for creating the scene together then we also need to acknowledge our impact on the experience of our partner and care for it to some degree. But we must care because we truly feel it and not because this is what other people (especially the more powerful ones) think we should be doing.

Being part of a community of real people is where the magic happens

Towards the end of our discussion, Saara Rei expressed how for her being a part of a community is very important. How it helped her to grow and develop. How it made her feel not alone in her ‘strange’ likings and how it can also help in going through difficult times. And in such emotionally charged activity as rope bondage, difficult times come sooner or later.

I completely agree with her. No matter how much I complain about the rope community sometimes, being able to talk with other people about our shared passion, exchange with rope bottoms about our experiences and share about how tying makes us feel, might be the most growth-inducing experiences that I’ve had.

Hearing other people’s perspectives opens my mind and heart. Knowing that there are more people like me makes me feel understood and as I belong somewhere. And in the face of a crisis, having a community of people around me who have been through similar struggles is an invaluable source of support and wisdom.

I feel like the internet is sometimes giving us a false sense of community. We feel like we can meet and share virtually, but I am not sure if such meetings are even a fraction as valuable as talking live. We feel like we can solve community problems through online discussions but I feel that such discussions are missing so much context that it is rarely leading to any real understanding.

I understand that what we do is rare and that it might be hard to meet like-minded people in our vicinity. The internet makes people far away seem close and accessible. But still, each time I spend some time doing rope in a group of real people, I come back inspired and feeling connected, even if the way that some of them do rope is different from mine. And after an online discussion, I don’t feel that. I don’t feel close to the others and like a part of something, even if it seems like we share a similar vision.

I do share a lot online and because of that, I can feel how imperfect tool that is. How easy it is to become misinterpreted or misunderstood. How easy it is for me to appear as someone who I am not.

I haven’t been discouraged by it so far, because for me writing about rope and BDSM is a way to put my thoughts in order and to extract knowledge or insights from them. But I’ve never felt like what I write can really make me understood by the readers. I do not feel like I can get close to someone who I know only virtually. Rather, consuming online content is for me a way to get inspired to conduct my own research. It is often a spark igniting a discussion but never a source of real understanding of another person.

I think that in rope bondage, the community is crucial, but we must beware of the traps of normativity and judgement. We are doing something unorthodox and risky. There is no established practice, no norms or textbooks. Sure, currently we begin to form some common practices, but they are still preliminary and a consensus about the merit of some of them is only beginning to form. The only true source of wisdom that we can have is our own experiences and the experiences of other people who are doing rope longer than ourselves.

I try to use the wisdom of the community as much as possible, but always in a combination with critical thinking. That is because I don’t feel like we’ve reached a critical mass of people tying to come to any definite conclusions. We are still in a period of research. And when it comes to rope bottoming, I feel like the research is only just starting.

That is why I think that it is crucial to talk about it and investigate. To share experiences and lessons learned. Not to find the ultimate truths, but to gather more points in the data set. We need more data and to get it we need space and willingness to share and collaborate with other rope bottoms. We need bottoms who are willing to join the investigation and to think critically about their experiences, who are open to hear opinions that are conflicting with their own and treat it not as a critique but just as a valid parallel view. We need a space in which people feel safe to share their experiences and not feel judged. But at the same time, we also need to be resilient to judgement because it inevitably comes sooner or later. Finally, we also need tops who won’t be afraid to share with us their views on modelling because there is a lot of wisdom to be learned from them. And by inviting them to the discussion we make space for them to think about our contribution.

Maybe it's just me but I feel like bottoming should be more appreciated and recognized, not just for the beauty of the models but also their depth, their resilience, the strength of their body and mind and anything for what the bottom can be appreciated. To find the things that we contribute we need to make a conscious effort to see them. To look at a rope scene with fresh eyes and notice what it is that the bottom brings to it. To not only look at what the rope brings out in the model but also at what the model allows it to bring out. And even more importantly, what does the model bring out of the rigger.

Meeting in a community of other bottoms and discussing it is one of the ways to see these things anew.

In my last article inspired by the round table, I will try to touch upon exactly this topic. What are some of the things that the bottoms can do to make the scene unforgettable? What can we do on our side to cater to our experiences? I've asked the participants what are the best scenes that they remember and what was their mindset during these scenes. And the answers that I got were more than intriguing.

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.1 Empowerment and authenticity

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote someone, I do it based on my memory and understanding of what they’ve said. The participants consented to have me write an account of our discussion, however, they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below. However, I do want to acknowledge that this text wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

During the last EURIX, in the Fall of ‘19, I selfishly organized a round table discussion on rope modelling. I say selfishly because I felt a need for better defining what rope bottoming is about, what are the different ways to approach it, and what are the skills that people see as valuable and worth practising as a rope model (if any), and I wanted to use that discussion to find the answers to at least some of these questions.

Thanks to Anna Bones and Saara Rei who agreed to be my main interviewees, and the enthusiastic participation of the entire group, we raised many interesting points and I partially succeeded in finding the answers to my questions.

This is the first from a series of articles in which I would like to share direct themes that came up in our discussion, as well as my private insights that followed, to the wider public, because I think that we will all benefit from more content about the ones being in ropes.

There are many reasons why we love to be in rope

It’s amazing in how many different ways people can experience rope. When asked about what kind of rope we like and why we get into ropes, the round table participants gave astonishingly many varied and valid answers.

Saara Rei loves the slow-and-full-of-suffering kind of scenes, where her body is contorted and fixed in impossible positions. For her, the emotional body and the physical body are one and she seeks to achieve emotional states through using her body.

Rope is also a tool to achieve the stage of submission, which happens to her when she feels that her body is fully controlled by the other.

Anna Bones loves many different kinds of ropes for different reasons. Her interests span from sensual sexy floor work through dynamic and active suspensions to a complete immobilization in crazy predicaments. It all depends on the dynamic that she has with the rigger as well as her mindset on that day.

In all styles of bondage, she appreciates the claustrophobic feeling of being restricted as well as the undivided attention of her partner and the sensual experience of being touched.

To me, rope is mostly about mental and emotional experiences. As Saara, I love slow torturous rope scenes that bring me a lot of suffering and I treat the body is a tool that I use to achieve psychological states. I love to be tied in a way that I find beautiful, therefore I love traditional Japanese ways of tying, but at the same time I also deeply enjoy rope that leaves me ugly and humiliated for the psychological effect of it. Like Anna, I enjoy very diverse styles of rope, depending on my dynamic with the rope top and my mood. However, I do seek to be tied mostly by people with whom I feel some sort of D/s power exchange.

Many of the other participants also indicated that they enjoy different styles of rope. For most of the participants, the connection with the rigger was extremely important. They did not want to restrict themselves by voicing a style preference. The main goal for being in rope was having a deep intimate exchange with their partner, the exact flavour of which was totally circumstances-, and partner- dependent.

Bottoming is a lot about following but following doesn’t mean having no contribution

It was clear that for virtually all the bottoms who spoke up, following the rigger was the essential thing in being a bottom. They enjoyed being led by the rigger and they were usually open to experience whatever their partner had in mind for them. If the rigger was able to create an intimate bubble of connection with them, they did not necessarily care about the style they were being tied in.

What they enjoyed about being in ropes was the exchange between them and the riggers and the intimacy and uniqueness of each of their rope encounters. The special way in which they could truly meet their partner in ropes. They were after the pure experience of being led by the rigger and they did not want to influence that feeling by having expectations or fixed ideas about the session.

I understand this kind of narrative and I find it appealing and beautiful. I also used to think about myself in ropes as a pure follower and/or receiver. I still don’t have fixed expectations about particular scenes and I do not give directions to my riggers before tying. I do know, however, that I have my preferences in ropes. I do know in which directions I like to go and I know that I often lead my riggers there, more or less consciously. Also, I do know what kind of experiences the people who decide to tie with me might expect. Maybe I do not voice my preferences to the riggers directly, but I do execute them by choosing particular people to tie with.

I am not saying that the participants of the round table did not have specific preferences and abilities that I recognized in myself. Everybody does. But what they didn't do is to voice them.

I can’t help but worry that looking at yourself as a pure follower without recognizing your input in the scene might lead to disempowerment and passivity. Not passivity in the sense of ‘active vs passive bottoming’ which is a popular nowadays but in my opinion rather useless way to define bottoming styles, but passivity in the sense of lack of initiative, energy and input.

And I missed hearing recognition of what many of the bottoms like and have to offer. I missed hearing that they know what kind of connection they are looking for in ropes.

Because I am sure that each bottom has a lot to contribute to a scene and that we have an active role in co-creating it. Following (more or less active) is about responding to the actions of your partner with an appropriate level of energy and can (or even should) involve giving your input as long as it doesn’t overpower, but complement, the lead.

Having the knowledge of what kind of bottom you are and what kind of experiences you can create with your rigger is a power. It gives you confidence and it makes you recognize your value. And I think that the value and the contribution of bottoms into tying, no matter what their bottoming style is, needs more understanding and recognition.

Let’s be honest, being in ropes is an extreme experience

Being in ropes, especially in a semi-suspension or a suspension is putting your body in a state of extreme stress and sometimes even panic. It seems to me, though, as if we tend to forget it sometimes. We are bombarded with pictures of serene models in extreme positions everywhere on social media nowadays. Even in videos, many seasoned models don’t make a sound even in the most difficult ties.

Of course, each model has their own unique way of expressing themselves, but I am afraid that the currently popular limited expression (or rather the difficulty to depict the full rope bondage experience honestly in photography) often results in misunderstandings about how rope bondage feels. And the fact is that it is often painful and difficult, as it is, or at least it was devised as, a way to torture people.

I loved it when Saara Rei mentioned that when she teaches in workshops, she always brings the models to an awareness about the difficulty of each position, and how the first time when you experience a position is always the hardest and that they should not shy away from expressing their struggle. I would take it even further and say that if you truly feel into your body in ropes, most of the kinbaku positions always put you in a state of struggle and bring you to the edge, no matter how many times you’ve been tied in them.

I do not want to undermine the reactions of any person to rope. They are all unique and valid. At the same time, I do feel like we need more emphasis on the fact that being bound by someone, having your freedom taken away or having your body suspended in the air from thin strings of rope without any way to protect yourself is not something casual. And it should not be taken as such.

I think that it should be something that one goes into with great awareness and care. It should be something that you truly desire and need. Otherwise, you might end up abusing your body or soul without even knowing what you are doing to yourself. For the sake of a pretty picture or a moment of internet fame? That is something that I do not wish on anybody.

The essential question of ‘Why’

During the round table, we were talking a lot about the authenticity in ropes and how important it is for a bottom to be able to feel and express in ropes. How our authentic expression and not getting into this or that position, or any other external achievement, should be our real goal.

Because when we are our authentic selves in ropes, we bring something to the table. We do not only want the riggers to serve us by giving us experience, but we also have something to give to them in return. We have something to offer and we know that. That knowledge gives us confidence and establishes our worth as co-creator of the tie. We become receivers but not absorbers of rigger's energy. Rather, we transform and multiply it by adding our own personality to it.

I truly believe that before you allow anybody to put ropes on you and take away your freedom, it is important to ask yourself why do you want to get tied. Only knowing that your personality can truly flourish in ropes. Only then you can truly ‘show up’ for the scene. At least in my case, knowing why I do ropes is a source of an infinite passion and energy for doing it, fueling my drive to experience each session deeply. On the other hand, if you are doing something, but you don’t feel strongly about the reasons why, especially if you are doing something so intense and on many levels risky, you are putting your well-being in danger.

Another, somehow less serious, danger is that the activity itself performed without proper ‘why’ will become empty, mechanic and lifeless. And that is the opposite of what I believe the rope bottom should bring into the tie. I think that our extremely important role in ropes is to be 100% present, to experience and express, to add our flavour to the tie and to inspire the rigger. If we are not sure why we are doing it, if we do not feel strongly about the reasons that put us in the position of being tied, we won’t be able to fill that role.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that finding your authentic self in rope is something immediate and easy. When I started getting tied, I had no idea why I enjoyed it so much. I wasn’t able to articulate what draws me to rope. And it is perfectly understandable. It takes experience and practice to gain that understanding. It isn’t something that you are born with. It is something that you find.

The ‘why’ neither needs to be fixed, nor it has to be single. I can name at least a couple of reasons why I love to be in ropes. And I don’t expect these reasons to stay unchanged. The same as my personality changes over time, my reasons for getting into ropes will change as well. But I know for sure that I would not want to get into ropes without a reason.

In my opinion, finding your ‘why’ might be one of the most important elements of your growth as a rope model. Because it gives a direction to all the rest of your development. You stop repeating the things that other people advise you to do and you start to follow your own intuition. You begin to develop in your own unique way.

I hope that the points that might have sounded as a critique in this writing will be inspiring rather than discouraging. I truly believe that rope bottoms have an important and equal contribution to tying. Without us, rope is only a lifeless piece of material. Only when we put our living bodies and souls into ropes, the ties become beautiful. We should recognize and cherish it. We should speak more about the ways in which each of us contributes to the ties. We should be aware of the unique experiences that we can provide to our riggers. We should do rope with passion and love for it because we know that being bound is what we truly desire.

And we should not shy away from indicating our value. We should not shy away from saying that being in bondage is something extreme that we put our bodies through and wanting the recognition for it that we deserve. We should not be afraid to say that not only leading but also following is an art that should be appreciated.

And to get the courage to do that, hearing from other bottoms about their experiences, sharing our victories and struggles can be truly transformative. We can learn a lot from each other and we can support each other as fellow bottoms.

But sometimes, we can also bring each other a lot of suffering. Especially when the contact that we have with other bottoms remains virtual and distant. In my next article, I am going to share more thoughts from the round table, which centre around what being part of a community brings us. It is going to be quite different from this one, but equally insightful, I hope.

Rope as a tool for opening up one’s heart

Lately, I haven't been tied that much. For a number of reasons.

Not that much means once every two weeks when it used to be twice every week. That means a fourfold decrease in frequency. A couple of months ago, it would be devastating to me. Right now, it's interesting.
It's interesting because it allows me to observe my reactions to these new circumstances and learn more about myself and my relation to rope bondage. As it turns out, the opportunities to learn and deepen your practice are abundant if your mind is open to it.

It started in ropes

Recently, after two weeks without being tied, I finally had a date with one of my regular riggers. I was looking forward to it not only because I was rope-deprived but also because I really like to get tied by him. What I like the most about our tying are the dynamics of objectification that we usually end up in. I also like his sense of aesthetics in rope. I like to be a part of his creations.

Usually, when he ties me, I get into a victim mindset very quickly, where I feel like a poor objectified girl used by him to create what he envisioned, her responses to his actions completely ignored. But this time, I didn't become a victim when he started to bind me. This time, being in his ropes made me feel secure and familiar.

The moment the first rope of the gote started to take away my freedom, strange warmth descended upon me, I felt safe and understood as if coming back home.

Why this change?

It felt unusual for me to feel that good in bondage because I'm used to treating rope as a tool of abuse, a tool for other people to violate me with, to take away my freedom. But this time it was nothing like that. This time it was giving me back my freedom.

I think that the reasons why it was different now are the fact that I haven’t been tied for a while and my growing experience. I don't think that it was my partner who was doing something out of the ordinary, but rather that my attitude has changed.

The scarcity of rope in my life combined with my familiarity with it made me refocus and go deeper right from the start of our scene. Doing that, I discovered freedom, openness and vulnerability waiting for me right there. They didn't have to be forced out of me the way it usually happens. They were right on the surface, ready to be tapped into.

Only retrospectively I realized what had happened that night, though. And only because another, even more curious thing took place the evening after.

It continued outside of ropes

Every evening, I perform a somatic practice devised by Michaela Boehm called Moving what you're feeling. It's a very simple practice in which each day you put on the same song, close your eyes and start to move, allowing your feelings and emotions to guide the movements of your body. I do it as a form of checking up with myself as well as a way to sensitize myself and for emotional release. One song is the minimum length of the practice, but when you feel like it, you can go on longer, exploring broader and deeper what's within.

That evening, I went longer and deeper. I was moving for a couple of minutes, shifting between an upward powerful posture and a lower more submissive one when at some point my wrists crossed themselves behind my back. It happened without much thinking and led to a revelation.

The moment I felt as if my hands were tied behind my back, blissful fuzziness entered my body. It felt like the shield around my heart started melting and I became totally open and receptive. Then my hands have woven themselves into a high hands TK position, and the feeling of openness became even stronger. It felt almost as if the entire front of my chest disappeared and my feelings were spilling out of me untamed.

At the same time, I felt calm and good. The usual violence that accompanies my opening up was not there. I was willing and eager, light in my chest and connected. It felt so good that I ended up kneeling with my hands in a TK position swaying in the middle of the room for quite a while. The openness and safe vulnerability that I felt were so amazing that I didn't want it to stop.

Can rope really be a tool in achieving heart openness?

I believe that what happened to me that night was so intense because I was alone. I allowed myself to be so open because there was nobody to be afraid of, nobody to hurt me in that vulnerable state. At the same time, the position that brought me to that place was the position that I am often in when in ropes.

Therefore, I see the potential for rope to put me in that space of openness and vulnerability. More so, I expect that rope actually does bring me there, that's why getting into a gote-like position evoked such intense reaction. Only usually, this openness is preceeded with a struggle and a fight. But as it turns out, it doesn't have to be so.

I think that because being tied up leaves one so hopeless and powerless, it makes it easier to let go, to stop fighting because you can’t win this fight anyway. It makes one feel so helpless that one begins to feel safe in that position. Like a newly born child, so vulnerable and weak, but at the same time so open. It allows one to shed all the barriers because there is no reason not to. So much power has been taken away from you already that the small step of giving up, even more, is as easy as ever.

Let's not get too spiritual

It’s not like from now on, I want to always end up in the position that I've just described when in ropes. I like my scenes to be different depending on the mood that I am in, the partner that I am interacting with and the circumstances. I don't necessarily want my rope scenes to be moments of deep emotional release. Sometimes, I want sexy abuse. Sometimes, I want to create something beautiful. And sometimes, I just want to get into the physicality of it without the mental aspect altogether.

I don't see rope as a spiritual activity. I want my tying to be hot and beautiful and intense, but not necessarily spiritual. That's not very sexy. At the same time, I do see rope as something very intimate. And there might be a space for the heart opening in that intimacy.

One has to remember, however, that it's not always appropriate to go that deep, both with regard to your partner as well as the circumstances. Reaching these levels of openness and vulnerability at a rope jam with a person who you usually tie with casually would be like getting naked during a date in a coffee shop. Sure, maybe you felt free and unrestrained at this moment and you just wanted to get rid of all the clothing that was unnecessarily shielding you. But maybe the other clients of the place didn’t want to witness that. Maybe your partner just wanted to have a coffee with you. And maybe, after thinking twice, you didn't want all these people around you to see you naked either. You just wanted to be free. There are often moments, though, when it's better to stay restrained.

Still, I find this newly discovered potential of rope to open up my heart truly fascinating. And the depth that seems to be reachable through its means extraordinary. I can see all the reasons why it is possible. I can see how the restraint paradoxically makes it easier to let your guard down. You've been captured, you've lost, there is no reason to fight anymore, no reason to try to keep up appearances. Just let go and allow yourself to open up. You are being vulnerable already.

And even though I don't think that I'll look for such depth in ropes often, the sheer possibility of getting there is thrilling. The emotional catharsis that I suspected to be possible through rope now proved to be reachable. I just need to allow myself to go there when the opportunity arises. And I think that I will, now that I know how it feels.

To me, rope is about eroticism

Disclaimer: This writing is an attempt at explaining part of what being in ropes is to me and what I get out of it. Because I am so passionate about it, I might at times sound like I think that this is the only way to do it or at least the best way. It is the best way for me, but I definitely don’t feel entitled in any way to tell other people what they should do in their bondage. What I will try to explain is why my practice of rope might not match with the practice of other people, why it might be difficult or even impossible to fit all rope practitioners into one community and why trying to do so creates friction that I think we are observing today. If you feel offended or attacked by me speaking my truth, I apologize. It is not my intention to offend anyone.

How ropes are erotic to me

I feel like I've been circling around this topic a lot, but I've never directly expressed it. So here I say it, to me rope bondage is an erotic activity. It can be more or less sexual depending on the circumstances but an element of eroticism is always there. 

I do find being bound by ropes erotic to the degree that I used to warn riggers who would tie me for the first time that I will most probably get sexually aroused during our session. I stopped doing that at some point because, somehow, I started assuming that before people approach me, they have already seen me being tied and have figured it out for themselves. But, to be honest, I think that I should continue to warn people about it because it is not a given (especially in the current circumstances). 

The eroticism of being in ropes is not something that I would admit easily, though. I am not proudly sexual in ropes. Rather, I usually feel like my arousal is torn out of me. Because the things that turn me on are not natural. And the fact that I am turned on by them does not make me feel proud.

Sometimes, I feel like I would rather not show this side of me at all, but in ropes, I can’t help it. Because being helpless and abused is sexy to me. I get aroused when I feel that I am at the mercy of the person who has tied me up. And the more things they do to me that I don't want, the more arousing I find it. I get excited when being degraded and humiliated. Being used and treated badly is what I find hot. At the same time, it makes me ashamed that by my reactions I might be giving evidence to how twisted I am. I find it disturbing that someone might discover my perverted sexuality. And, at the same time, it arouses me even more.

Many of these things are specific to me, though. Not everyone sees eroticism in ropes this way, and I also don’t tap into these states with just anybody.

There is also, in my opinion, a more fundamentally erotic side to ropes, which is in big part tied to the D/s or SM nature of it, as well as the visceral experience of being touched. 

I think that power imbalance in its essence is erotic. Being led is usually a charged experience. I can imagine that having power over someone is arousing and I can certainly say that someone else having power over me, is. Power imbalance creates erotic friction and what creates more imbalance than being bound and restricted by someone who can now control your body and through that possibly your mind? 

And then there is touch, which is an inevitable part of a rope bondage scene. The touch does not only come from the person who is tying you, but also from the rope itself. To me, the feeling of rope pressing on my skin is extremely sensual. I also find the pain that rope can cause erotically pleasurable. I am definitely a masochist, but I don’t necessarily enjoy the pain of impact play. The pain coming from rope bondage, on the other hand, is extremely enjoyable and often arousing to me. It is because of the closeness of rope to my flesh and the continuous embrace that it provides when applied on my body.

It is like a painful hug. It provides so much sensory and emotional input that it becomes a mixture of pain and pleasure, difficult to separate one from the other, and in its mixture, intoxicating.

How I find the eroticism of rope bondage its inevitable part

In my opinion, rope bondage is at its core an erotic activity. And although one can perform it in a non-erotic way, it requires an effort and a conscious decision to not go that route.

In hojojutsu, which is often considered one of the origins of Japanese rope bondage, as we know it today, being bound was an abuse carried out as an act of violence either to take away someone’s freedom or to torture them. Subsequently, the power imbalance and torture in the act of bondage was recognized to have a potential of being erotic by the SM practitioners and it started to be practised as an intimate act where one person binds the other, taking away their freedom, causing them pain or discomfort in a sensual way, and using their helplessness to perform erotic activities. 

Of course, the fact that in the past rope was used for the purposes mentioned by me above does not mean that it cannot be used for any other purpose. Nowadays there are people who practise rope bondage using tools and techniques coming from the erotic rope bondage but without the eroticism. I observe a similar phenomenon in tango. In its nature, it is a very sensual dance. It evokes intense emotions which are experienced intimately between you and your partner. You hug each other closely and one person (the follower) is in the power of the other (leader) in the sense that the leader dictates the actions of the follower. 

There are people, however, who do not dance in a sensual way and enjoy their dance that way. Looking at them you might still say that they dance the tango, as in, they use the same or similar patterns and they dance to tango music. They use the tools of tango, but they strip away its sensuality and potential eroticism. My question is, is it still tango or has it become something else?

The fact that you can take the sensual part out of this dance and still get something tango-like does not mean that tango does perfectly well without it. The fact that it seems like it is possible to practice tango without sensuality does not mean that it is not a necessary ingredient to really make it work.

Because when I see a tango dance like that, I feel like something is missing there. There is no ‘fire’ between the partners, the essence of the dance is gone.

Of course, that's my view as the sensuality of this dance is what draws me to it. I rarely enjoy my dances without it, but I don’t mind other couples dancing their way. I think that it is perfectly fine for them to dance the way they enjoy it. I do think, however, that it becomes problematic when people with different definitions of the dance meet together in one couple. Or when people start to demand from you to take that element out of your practice, because if they can do without it, it must not be its essential part. When people start to define the activity in a different way, but still call it with the same name. When the activity that used to be erotic and sadomasochistic by definition becomes many different things for different people and before you engage in it, you need to spend hours explaining to each other what your understanding of the activity is. 

I feel like rope bondage became so open and broad nowadays that that is what happened. Everybody has their own definition of what rope is for them. Everybody does it their own way but we are all part of the same community. It seems inclusive and open, but what it often ends up being for me is blurry and frustrating. 

How I see a rope community that I would feel a part of

To me, the advantage of being a part of a rope community would be to be among like-minded people where I don’t have to hide and pretend anymore. That we all ‘get it’ and I don’t need to censor myself when participating in rope events. But I don’t really feel that way.

Because when rope community is not anymore contrived only of a small group of perverts and SM and D/s enthusiasts, but artists, contortionists, yogis and all kinds of other people who do rope for their own reasons, the ones who belong to that small group of perverts will end up being too extreme to the others. They will end up having to, again, water down their needs and likes if they want to belong. They will have to hide and play themselves down the same way as they had to do in the wider society. 

You could say that it is fine. That they can leave their pervy erotic bondage to their bedrooms and private encounters and enjoy a more publicly acceptable practice when they are among fellow rope people. I, however, do not entirely agree. 

To me, a big part of the enjoyment of being bound is in being observed in that situation. One thing is being observed by the person who is tying you, which is an element of every rope session. Another is to be observed by perverted onlookers to whom you gave no direct consent for it. I find being in such situation extremely erotic and my impression is that in the old Japan (and maybe new as well, since rope there is still much more underground and perverted) it was often the experience of the model who would get tied in public.

The thrill was not only in her interaction with the rigger but also in having an audience who would watch the spectacle of her submission and torment. For whom she would play out their dark fantasies. And whose presence would allow her to play out her’s.

I can imagine that for a model it is an extremely intense and arousing experience. An experience that I dream of having. And although I’ve been tied in public many times, I have never felt like that. There have always been witnesses to my scenes that I felt like I was making uncomfortable or even shocked (in a non-positive way) by what was happening between me and my rigger. That they did not really understand what is being done to me and treated me like a poor victim or a circus attraction. 

Of course, that situation could provide me with another thrill. The thrill of being the centre of unwanted attention, the humiliation of being a weirdo. And as much as I can enjoy it at times, it is not what I am ultimately looking for. At least not each time when I’m being watched in ropes. 

How having people calling different things with the same name leads to trouble

I think that because the terms Shibari and kinbaku became so popular nowadays and because so many people are curious about it and so many people want to try it, we are losing the essence of what they really are (especially kinbaku as it is usually understood). We want to get accepted with our kinks and in order to get accepted, we try to make them more acceptable. We organize workshops on Shibari and kinbaku and not for a second mention the eroticism in them. We focus on patterns and techniques and forget about the spirit. 

And sure, we could say that the workshops are for practice and learning and later you can apply the techniques privately in an erotic way if you want to. But can you really learn kinbaku ties properly without having a kinbaku mindset while you tie them (or are tied in them)? Can you first learn the clean technique and only later season it with the eroticism? Will it be the same dish as the one that you would season right from the start? 

Should rope workshops be only about practising patterns and (maybe) talking about the philosophy? Don’t get me wrong, I do think that these things are important, but could we go back to perving a bit more and hiding a bit less? To using rope bondage for what it was made for and not trying to find new cleaner ways to practice it? Or at least give the people who do want to practice it this way some space and not call them snobs or elitists for not wanting to tie with anyone who asks or for refusing to tie at certain events? Some forms of bondage are for everybody, some aren’t. And I do think that it is important to get that clarification if we want to prevent accidents from happening and if we want to keep the community (or communities) healthy. 

The way I do rope is dark, erotic and sadomasochistic. I want to practice it on my own terms and I wish to find a community where this way is not only accepted, but also understood and encouraged. Where we can share our darkness and not hide behind another mask the same way as society demands us to do. 

It might mean that we need to go deeper into the underground, it might mean that we have to partly separate ourselves from the wider rope community. But if it also means that I might feel among (a subset of) rope people like I truly belong. That they will enjoy seeing my torment without feeling sorry for me. That they will not see me as a victim of abuse or a tourist attraction, but a conscious pervert acting out her fantasies and will be able to truly appreciate the beauty and the depth of my suffering, then maybe it is time to start calling the things that we do for what they are and stop putting everything into one basket? Without assigning value to any of them but simply acknowledging the differences and letting them flourish? 

On handling rejection in rope

Photo by Dark Path.

Disclaimer: This post is oozing positivity at times and to people who know me personally might sound a bit surprising. It is not dishonest on my side. The attitudes that I describe here are the ones that I cultivate in myself and I try to live by these rules. Being as critical as I am, it works better at some points than others. I do believe in what I say here, though, even if it is not always how I feel about things. Feelings can be irrational and uncontrollable at times, values are constant and much easier to control. The latter is what I focus on in this post. 
Disclaimer 2: I'm a rope bottom and I write from the position of being tied, but most of the things that I talk about here apply equally to both roles.

Some time ago Riccardo Wildties shared a very honest and important video on the right of tops to say ‘no’. I was very happy that someone has gotten to this topic and has done it so eloquently. I think that it is a very important reminder to all of us. We all should have the right to say ‘no’ when it comes to rope, with no strings attached and no hard feelings.

Listening to him was like a déjà vu from my time in the tango community. I don’t have a lot of experience with rejection in rope as I am not in the community for that long and I've been very fortunate to tie with amazing riggers right from the start and don’t often look for new partners. But I do have a lot of experience with rejection in tango because the specifics of this dance and the social norms surrounding it are basically built around the notion of rejection. I think that my experience from tango can be really well translated into rope reality and can be helpful to some people. It certainly has been for me as I think that it is one of the reasons why I can quite often avoid rejection altogether and I handle it pretty well if it happens. 

Before you ask

First, I want to share some thoughts that help me minimize the risk of having to deal with rejection in the first place. They are mostly strategies and mindsets that I’ve learned over the years that helped me avoid rejection and be successful in my advances, but at the same time also prepare the ground for when it eventually happens.

Try to get a feeling about the interest of the other person

I tend to be rather reluctant to ask people to tie me. I take quite a lot of time before I make up my mind whether I want to ask someone or not. Part of it is my rather sensitive and cautious nature. I want to avoid the pain of being rejected as much as possible so I only ask once I'm almost absolutely sure that they will say ‘yes’. This approach is very personal and I don't necessarily recommend it. However, another reason why I take my time is that I learned to be patient and to give myself as well as the other person time to figure out what we want.

In tango, there is a notion of a 'cabeceo', which is a non-verbal invitation to dance based upon a prolonged eye-contact followed by a nod from both parties indicating the willingness to dance. It's created in order to avoid painful verbal rejection. It has its advantages and disadvantages, but what it certainly taught me is the skill of observing others and getting a feeling for whether they might be interested in me or not. It has also taught me how to show interest from a distance without being too explicit about it. In tango the actual ‘cabeceo’ is the final step and having your nod unreturned can also hurt, so you only try it once you are rather certain that it will be returned. Therefore, you try to figure out as much as possible beforehand if the person might be truly interested in dancing with you or not. If you’ve learned that, you minimise the risk of your ‘cabeceo’ being rejected.

Be patient

In tango, the assessment of whether someone might be interested in dancing with you or not usually happens in the course of one evening or one weekend. In rope, however, it might stretch over months or even years. That is because there are much fewer opportunities to tie with someone in (a) rope event(s) than there are in a tango event, but also because a rope session is way more intimate than sharing a tanda for most of the people. 

Being in someone’s ropes or tying someone is an intimate thing. Therefore, before I decide whether I want to be tied by someone, I usually take my time. It can sometimes be difficult because, especially at rope festivals, you often have a feeling of urgency and that everyone is experiencing more than you do, so you have to catch up and get tied by more people. I resist this urge strongly because I know that it leads to, at best empty scenes, and at worst bad experiences.

Rope world is not that big and sooner or later you will meet that person again. Take your time to get to know them before you decide to tie with them. Talk to them, get to know what kind of person they are before you let them take control over you. It doesn’t only make for safer scenes, but also more rewarding and natural ones since by getting to know each other through a conversation, you can learn about each other's preferences in an organic way. In this way, you minimize the need for extensive negotiations, which (at least for me) often kill the mood and limit the scene. You have all the time to get tied by them, so don’t rush into anything. 

Trust your intuition

I can usually sense whether someone is interested in me or not and I believe that most people can as it seems like an evolutionarily very useful skill to have. Our intuition is often silenced by our mind, though, and we should learn to listen to it more.

When it comes to someone being attracted to you (which is necessary, in some way, if they should want to tie you, it doesn’t need to be sexual attraction, though), they will usually look at you a bit longer than necessary, they will look for opportunities to talk to you, they will smile at you when you look at them. All these things are small and not very noticeable, but our brains register them. I often have this unexplainable feeling about whether that person might want to tie me or not without them saying anything. And I usually trust it. Not to the point of asking right away, but when I sense interest and it is mutual, I start to focus my attention on gathering more data in a more directed way. I test whether my intuition was right and only when I am pretty certain, I ask. 

On the other hand, when I sense a lack of interest or when I am uncertain, I do not ask. I wait and try to get more contact with that person to see if my feelings were correct or whether it was just a matter of not knowing me enough. I also try to remember the signs that led to a successful encounter to learn how to better recognise an interest in the future and to be able to trust my intuition even more.

Don’t ask for the wrong reasons

At the beginning of my tango career, I used to get quite frustrated when I would feel that someone that I wanted to dance with would not notice me. I would come to an event and want to dance with all the best and most popular leaders but they would not look at me. It was making me angry and frustrated until I realised that them not noticing me means that they are not interested in me, and even if we would dance together, the dance would not be good because they would not be into it. So instead of trying to force a leader into dancing with me, I began working on making them interested in me in the long run. And not only making them interested in me but also making sure that I actually want to dance with them and I am not just blindly following the opinion of the rest of the tango crowd.

I think that in rope it is even more important. Sure, it is great to tie with the best and most famous riggers, but do you really want to get tied by them or do you want the experience of one of the people who got to be tied by them? Do you know them well enough to tell? Do you know what kind of people they are or are your reasons simply that they are good at what they do? 

Asking someone to tie you just because they are well known rarely leads to a good experience. From the rigger’s side, they can sense whether you are genuinely interested in them or simply want the experience. I can imagine that the latter often leads to a rejection straight away. It’s impolite and painful for the rigger to be used like that. And even if they don’t reject you, are you sure that you want to give control over your body and mind to someone just because you’ve seen that they can do really cool suspensions? Don’t you want to make sure that they actually are worth giving yourself to them before you allow them to bind you? 

Don’t go above your league

In the tango world, there is a breed of followers who would always hang around the table of ‘masteros’ for the entire duration of the festival, wearing their best dresses and hoping that they will get asked to dance by one of them. And they often succeed, especially when they are young and pretty. I’ve never had the ambition to dance with the teachers because I’ve never felt good enough in my dancing to be able to offer them an enjoyable experience. If they would ask me because I would make such effort as those girls, I would probably have felt like they are doing it out of pity and not because they truly value my dancing skills. And I didn’t want that. Of course, I would love to dance with my favourite maestro, but only if I would be sure that I have something to offer to them. That they truly want to dance with me and that I can offer them valuable experience. To me, the same holds for rope. 

In rope, the matter of bottoming technique is not so prominent as tango technique. You do not need to have amazing ‘bottoming skills’ to have a great scene with someone. But it is important to ask yourself if you are not wanting to be tied for the wrong reasons. Therefore, I always try to ask myself, do I really want to offer myself to that person? Looking at the way they tie, do I think that I can offer them an interesting experience? Am I willing to open myself enough to that person for us to live through something meaningful? I think that it is important to answer these questions to yourself honestly before you ask someone to tie you and I only ask if I feel like I do have something meaningful and authentic to offer to the rigger. 

Don’t rely on others for validation

One of the cases when being rejected is very painful is when you treat your interactions with other people as ways to validate yourself. It is a trap that many people fall into. They don’t value themselves enough internally, but they look for validation externally. They reason that if a certain person agrees to tie them/being tied by them it will be proof that they are of some value.

It is a short-lived strategy that leads to pain in the long term. It feeds on your insecurities instead of helping you to get over them, which does not only hinders you but also makes you less attractive. By having that attitude you become needy and self-centred, assessing people on the basis on how much increase in the feeling of self-worth they can bring you instead of what kind of interesting encounter you could have with them. This kind of attitude is objectifying and drives the confident and secure people away. They will not want your meeting in ropes to be a transaction of exchanging momentary increase of self-worth, which you make out of it when you treat them like that. They will want to meet the real you in ropes, which you will not be able to give them if you seek validation because you will be too occupied with trying to meet their expectations to allow yourself to show the real you. 

So instead of looking to other people to validate you, think about what things of value do you bring to each tie. Recognise and cherish what you have to offer. Learn yourself in ropes and stand by your true personality that ropes bring out. That will allow you to enter bondage scenes with confidence and feeling of worth and presence that is hard to beat in terms of attractiveness. It will also allow you to see rejections as a result of some kind of mismatch and not as an indication that you are not good enough. 

It feels very different when you are secure about what you have to offer and that offer gets rejected from when you are not sure about the value of your offering and other people reject it. The first, makes you feel like they must not see the value in what you see value in, which is perfectly fine since people are different and it is probably a proof that you would not be a good match in ropes anyways, so it is better this way. The second makes you doubt your worth and makes you want to change to align with what their wishes about you might be. It makes you question the attractiveness of your personality and makes you feel inadequate, which is not only painful but also brings you further away from being your honest and true self. 

Don’t let your expectations spoil your mood

Another thing that applies especially to bigger rope events is managing your expectations. Usually, they are the thing that makes you miserable and takes all the joy from the event even if you’ve had a lot of interesting encounters. Unmet expectations usually disappoint more than the met ones bring happiness. Too many expectations (or any expectations for that matter) are a route to disaster and a ruined mood because at least one of them will always not come true and it will spoil all the joy from the good things that you’ve experienced. 

For that reason, I try not to expect anything from rope events. I usually go there with hope for one memorable scene (that is not so difficult to achieve) or one good workshop or something like that. Then after that had happened, I tell myself, “So now it happened, it was worth coming here, all the rest is a bonus” and that is what I live until the end of the event, reminding myself of all the great moments of the event each time I feel like I am not getting enough out of it and repeating to myself that I already got more than what I came for. It really allows me to enjoy more and stress less. Also, it makes me appreciate what I experience instead of hopping from one scene to the other, ticking the boxes on my checklist of people to tie with in the meantime. 

If you reject

Rejecting people is not easy and there are good and bad ways to do it. During my tango years, I’ve had to reject quite a lot of people and below are the guidelines that I try to follow whenever I need to do that. 

Be concise and don’t lie

I try not to come up with excuses when I reject someone and simply tell them the truth that I am not interested in dancing/tying with them at the moment. At the same time, I don’t become too elaborate on my reasons. Simple “No, thank you” should be enough to indicate my lack of interest. I don’t need and don’t want to explain myself. Unless they really insist, then I tell them the (sometimes uncomfortable) truth, which is usually much worse than a simple ‘no’ and which I hope will teach them not to use this manipulative technique on others in the future (some people cornered with a ‘why?’ question will back off and change their mind in their unwillingness to tell the truth, and that is why many people ask ‘why?’ I find it very manipulative).

Be firm

I try my rejections to be firm. Another reason why a simple “No, thank you” usually works best. I don’t want to give the rejected any reason to think that I might be hesitant in my decision. I also don't want to give them false hopes. If I am certain about my rejection then I simply say 'no'. If it's just situational and I would be interested in tying with that person in the future, I'll say that. But only if it's really the case. Otherwise, I try to be straightforward and clear in not having an intention to get tied by them. I feel like I owe it to the rejected person to be clear and honest with them. I don’t want to mislead them in any way. That is what I appreciate when someone is rejecting me and I try to apply it when I am on the other side.

Respect your boundaries

One of the worst things that you could do to yourself and to your partner in ropes is engaging in a bondage scene that you are not enthusiastic about. Nobody wants to tie or get tied out of pity. If you let someone tie you only because you didn't know how to say 'no', you will probably both feel miserable afterwards.

Especially as a rope bottom, if you let someone bind you without really wanting it, you violate yourself. And you learn to be in ropes with a tint that is really hard to get rid off later. I can't imagine that you can enjoy getting tied by someone without trusting them and I can't imagine that trust being there if you actually don't want to be in their ropes. By forcing yourself to live an experience like that you make a disservice to both yourself and to the top. 

Unless they were only experience-seeking, they were expecting to get to tie you and experience your willing surrender to them when they’ve asked to tie you. If you allow them to do it out of pity or reluctance to say ‘no’, you don’t give them your honest presence in ropes. You don’t give them the experience that you’ve promised. They will feel your lack of trust through ropes and unless they are extremely insensitive, it will not lead to a good experience for them either. Sparing both of you by stating clearly your boundaries is a favour that you owe to yourself and to them, even if it might seem painful and frustrating for the one rejected. 

If you get rejected

Getting rejected is uncomfortable and it hurts. There is no way around it. There are certain realizations, though, that can make it easier to get through and maybe even learn from it. 

Don’t kick yourself while you’re down

Unless you know the person really well and are absolutely sure that it is ok to do, don’t ask why they’ve rejected you. If they would have a reason that would not be painful to share, they would have probably done it. If they didn’t then it most probably means that you don’t want to hear their reasons and it will be less painful to just accept the ‘no’ and move on. 

Of course, in many situations, especially when it comes to relationships, it helps to hear people’s reasons for their decisions. But I think that it holds only when those reasons are in some way rational. When they can offer you a logical, or at least understandable explanation. In the case of rope, those reasons are driven by the laws of attraction, which are rarely logical and are often not explainable at all. 

I think that it is a great practice for rope bottoms to ask your riggers the ‘why’ when they said ‘yes’ to tying you. Hearing how other people see you in ropes and what are their reasons for wanting to tie you is great for recognizing your value and learning about yourself (you might be surprised sometimes). It is not very constructive, though, to hear the reasons for the ‘no’ because rope is extremely personal and it is really hard to be honest in such situation with a stranger (or almost a stranger). I think that it is better to just accept the rejection and not force them to either make it more painful or come up with some false excuses.

Appreciate what you have

Another thing that is very helpful to remind yourself when you got rejected is all the amazing opportunities and experiences that you have or have had. Maybe this person doesn’t want to tie you but think about all the awesome people who do. Or maybe they don’t want to tie you at this moment, but you’ve had some great scenes together in the past. Cherish what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. 

In tango, I took it to a really high level and when someone would ignore my attempts to get to dance with them, I would think about the fact that not dancing at this moment gives me more energy to have great dances later on. I would appreciate the opportunity to rest a little bit or use that time to connect with friends instead of focusing on the fact that I am missing this amazing song and possibly amazing dance with my favourite leader. Because getting too much of a good thing can also take away its charm.

Maybe for me, it is easier to think this way because rejection and denial are my strong kinks. But it is not only because I find it hot to be denied something or rejected that I see value in it. It is also because experiencing it in kink, I learned the value of delayed gratification. I learned how much painful anticipation can increase the pleasure when you do finally get what you desired. I learned how much more valuable things become when you have to wait or work for them. And being rejected allows you to experience it if you only want to look at it this way.

Use rejection as a motivator

How you see the reality is your choice. Not everything that happens to you is pleasant and not everything will go according to your plan. There are many factors weighing into the outcomes that you get and most of them are not dependent on you that much. Especially, when other people are involved, the results become really complex and hard to predict. I like to remind myself that at times so that I don’t fall into the trap of believing that I can fully control my life and all that happens to me depends on my actions. At the same time, I also like to realise that although I can’t control the outcomes fully, I do have an impact on increasing my chances to get what I want. And even more so, my personal attitude towards the things that happen to me in life is entirely my responsibility. 

So when I get rejected by someone, instead of focusing on how insensitive and frustrating it is and how pitiful human being I must be if they don’t want to tie me (the latter I sometimes still indulge in, though, just for my pure masochistic pleasure), I think about the things that I could have done to increase my chances. Maybe I could have been more honest in expressing my intentions? Maybe I could have done something better to make them aware of what I have to offer? Maybe I could have picked a better time to ask? Maybe I could have waited a bit longer to make sure that the interest is mutual? Maybe there is some way to develop myself more in order to be seen by them and catch their interest at a later point in time? 

If not, then it is also ok. Sometimes people just don’t match in ropes and it is also fine. I always try to see if there are some learning opportunities in the rejection, though, as it helps me to get over it and not treat it like an absolute failure, but rather a point on my journey.

Don’t take it personally

As I mentioned already, tying your personal value to external factors (especially people-related) is a really bad idea. When I get rejected by someone, I try not to take it personally. I try to remember that there are a million reasons why it might have happened. Maybe they are tired? Maybe I haven’t been visible enough for them? Maybe they have a jealous partner? Maybe they feel too insecure to tie me? Maybe there is someone else that they really want to tie in this moment and they are not interested in anyone else? Many of these reasons are objective and not related to me personally. I like to remind that to myself when I get on a route of self-blame and feeling not good enough. 

And even if it is related to me personally, it doesn’t mean that there is anything that I could do about it. It doesn’t mean that I should change anything in myself. Maybe they see better than I do our lack of compatibility? Maybe I only think that the scene that we would have would be amazing, looking at them with their other partners, but they are aware that it wouldn’t work with someone else?

Again, I like to take what I can learn from this kind of situations, but I also don’t stress too much about what I could have done to change the outcome as I realize that it is way too complex to comprehend. I take what I can for the future, but I don’t overthink the past. Instead of being bitter and withdrawn, I try to open up more and be more welcoming. It is not easy, but it is the only way to make sure that people around me can see me. And the only person that I should be interested in being tied by is someone who sees and wants to tie me. 

I realize that this post is way way way too long. I am truly amazed if you got this far reading it. Maybe for some people, the things that I write about here are obvious. I do think, however, that they are much easier said than done. I really (try to) live by these rules, not only write about them and it really helps. It is not only empty words. The kind of attitudes that I describe is not easy, but they really paid off for me and I think that they are worth cultivating. 

I wish that handling rejection would become easier for more people. I think that it would help both sides in being honest and asserting their boundaries. I wish that it would become less uncomfortable for people to both hear and say ‘no’, that we would become more authentic in our choices without the fear of being judged for it. I really think that it would help our community and it would lead to (maybe less but) more positive rope experiences for everyone. And isn’t that what we all want? 

To me, rope is about losing control

Photo by Dolph Vex.

I started bottoming in a community where the presence of active power bottoms was very prominent. I was surrounded by the notions of exercising for rope, stretching, managing your body in ropes and co-creating the ties with the rigger. In the beginning, I was trying to become like those models as they were the only role models that I’ve had. However, after some attempts, I started feeling like there is something in their approach that did not fit my personality and the reasons why I loved rope. The deeper I was going into rope bondage, the more certain I was becoming that this way of bottoming is not how I see myself in ropes. It was leaving too much control in the hands of the model (at least seemingly) and that was the opposite of what I wanted. 

At the same time, I did not see any alternatives for myself. I ended up feeling inadequate and like a failure. I felt like my approach was inferior to the other models and as if I didn’t contribute to the tying as much as the ‘active’ models did. I am very ambitious, therefore I could not stand feeling this way. At the same time, I had a strong conviction that I don't want to give up my (what I felt) real self in ropes for the sake of living up to the expectations and being among the ‘cool and enlightened models’.

As a side note, I have to make it clear that what I say here is extremely subjective and written from the perspective of how I felt about these things and not how my environment saw me. In fact, I have no idea how other people looked at it. I’ve mostly heard positive things from people around me about myself in ropes, but I think that because it seemed to me like all the most popular models are different from me, and because I could not find any voice that would resonate with me, I felt like my approach must be inferior. 
That was when I attended my first kinbaku and semenawa-centred workshop by Riccardo Wildties and WykD Dave and I’ve met their amazing models RedSabbath and Clover. Getting to know them really changed my perspective and I felt like I finally found successful models whose reasons for doing ropes seemed to be more aligned with mine and whose words and approaches were really inspiring to me. It seemed like, the same as myself, what they were looking for in ropes was to lose control. Ropes for them were inseparable from D/s, they were actually a tool to play out their D/s dynamic. They were not looking for the physical challenge as much as they were looking for a mental one. And that was in many ways how I felt about rope bondage as well. So maybe, in the end, I was not completely insane?

I don’t want to create a huge divide between the two approaches. Actually, I don’t even think that there are only two. I believe that there are many more, probably as many as there are rope bottoms. There are many flavours of bottoming and even I, as a single person, am not always the same in the way that I bottom. It very much depends on who I tie with and how. However, there are certain dividing factors between approaches to bottoming, the same way as there are dividing factors between different styles of tying. It doesn't mean that you always need to apply only one, the same way as, as a rigger, you don't always need to tie in the same style and mood. Riggers apply different techniques depending on their current goals in bondage. I believe that the same holds for the models.

Depending on why you do rope or simply what you want to get out of a scene, different skills/attitudes will help you to get where you want to be. I don’t think that there are some universal skills that a rope bottom should posses. I think that it is extremely dependent on what you want to achieve in ropes and what your motivations are. 

Recently, I’ve been discovering what my motivations are (at least for the bigger part of my bondage). I already wrote about ropes being a tool for me to challenge myself mentally and what I do in order to help the rigger in bringing me to my limits. Another thing that is quite crucial for me is how I see the power relation between myself in ropes and the rigger and how that affects my attitude in bondage. And that is what I want to talk about here.

I don’t feel empowered in rope

One of the important realizations for me recently was that I don’t do rope to feel empowered, but rather to explore my weaknesses. My goal of being in ropes in never to feel strong and I don’t feel as such when I am bound. It seems to be in contrast to many models that I’ve spoken to in the European communities. I often hear from models (both the physically active ones and the ones that have a more receiving kinbaku attitude) that doing rope makes them feel strong and beautiful. That they feel empowered when sustaining the hardship of bondage. That being able to meet the challenge gives them some kind of inner strength. I, on the other hand, usually feel miserable and violated in ropes, both physically and mentally. I feel bare and exposed. I feel vulnerable. And that is also what I am looking for. 

I think that this different mindset changes my attitude in ropes a lot. For me, being in ropes is one of those rare moments when I allow myself to feel weak and disempowered, to let my guard down and hand over the power over my faith to another person for once. 

I feel like if I would want to maintain a feeling of strength and empowerment in rope, it would require a constant fight against the circumstances. I would need to put my energy into making myself feel strong despite what is happening to me. It’s a bit of a mindset of standing still in the midst of the thunderstorm. It is a very noble and respectable one and I can imagine that it can make one feel good. It's not what I am doing, though. I rather let the thunderstorm sweep me away.

I feel like most of my life I am trying to stand still in the midst of a thunderstorm. I am fighting to maintain an image of a strong and capable person, to protect my dignity and to gain the respect of people. And as much as it feels good to succeed in it, it can also be very tiring.

Especially for me, since I am also strongly drawn to the feeling of being down, of dropping low in the ranks of society, of shedding off all the social and personal expectations and simply exist at the bottom of the chain, bondage is a means to explore those situations without hindering my day to day life. It’s my sandbox to explore the feelings of lowliness and disgrace. It's a moment for me to finally let go and just be. At that moment I find freedom.

And, paradoxically, being able to explore those dark places can have a very empowering effect in the sense of realizing one’s own resilience. When you get as low as is humanly possible, when you bare yourself so much that the audience can see your insides spilling out of you and you come out of it alive, that's a powerful experience. And it can lead to a feeling of empowerment.

You are like an insect that has just shed its carapace. At first, your outside is still very soft and vulnerable, but when it hardens it becomes even more invincible than the one you've just shed. 

You need to first go low in order to get to that point, however. You need to dare to be vulnerable and weak if you want to feel the kind of aftermath strength that I am talking about here. And you have to bear in mind that that feeling of strength might only come much much later or not come at all. That is because it is only a possible side effect of your experience, but not its direct result. Therefore, it should not be your goal per se.

I want to lose control

One of the most desired and pleasurable states for me is being truly out of control. Out of control over my body and, which I desire even more, out of control over my mind. And rope bondage is a perfect tool to achieve it as, whether we want to admit it or not, being bound means having our control taken away. 

People often talk about the model being actually the one who is in control in ropes because they are the ones who can stop the scene at any time. But is it really the case? Only, if we assume that the rigger will adhere to the social norms and let them out when they demand it. So the model can only maintain some level of control if the rigger allows them for it. Therefore, we (should) tie with people whom we trust that they will give us back our power when we request it. Because in the moment of being in their ropes, we are at their mercy. I wouldn’t really call it being in control.

I think that sometimes we lie to ourselves a bit, trying to make out of bondage something that it wasn’t made for and then being surprised when its true nature reveals itself to us in an unexpected moment.

Because as much as you want to feel powerful and in control in ropes, as much as you want to make a dance and a mutual exchange out of bondage, the truth is that by letting someone bind you, you hand the power over to them. Trying to deny it or to not seeing it might lead to painful disillusions later on.

Of course, I can imagine the kind of decorative bondage where the model maintains all the control over their body and the rope does not restrict them in any way. In that case, I admit that my words will not hold anymore. But in most styles of bondage, some form of restriction does take place, and therefore the model gives away some of their power to the rigger.

In a way, I do believe that most of the models are looking for that loss of control at some level, otherwise, they wouldn’t be intrigued by bondage. Being powerless is at the core of rope bondage and I think that it usually is the core of the activity that people are attracted to, even if they don’t dare to immerse themselves fully in it and only tread around it in their practice. I do, however, understand why one wouldn’t want to go for it all the way. It is one thing to be intrigued or attracted to something and another to truly experience it.

During an amazing lecture of Bergborg on Akechi Denki that I attended recently at the Prague Shibari Festival, he showed us a video where the Master says that “a woman who lets you tie herself is like a diamond and one should treasure her”. Hearing it in contemporary Europe one might think that the world has truly changed and it is not the case anymore. Because there seems to be a lot of models who want to be tied, a lot of people are interested in being a rope model. Finding a person who wants to be in ropes is not such a difficult endeavour nowadays. 

The question is though, are they really interested in all that it entails? Do they truly want to hand over the control over their bodies and their minds, and possibly lives to another person? Do they understand what they are signing up for? Or are they just up for a thrill, interested in what it feels like to be tied, but without the real understanding of what it might lead to and what it means to be bound?

I think that a model who is ready to truly give themselves to the rigger, who wants to go all the way, who realizes the potential that rope bondage has and still wants to explore it, is still a real treasure. Because handing over your body (and mind) for someone else to toy with is not a small thing. Having one's physical and (even more importantly) mental limits pushed is not a small thing. Being broken and rebuilt in captivity requires courage and a strong spirit. A responsible rigger will only go as far with someone who they trust will be able to withstand it. And I think that finding such someone is not a common thing.

I guess that it is quite obvious that I have a preference for rope that is dark and strongly rooted in D/s and SM. I am fascinated by the potential of rope bondage to challenge me physically and mentally. I realize that it is not the case for everyone and I don’t think that it should be. I do not try to convince everyone to follow my footsteps. I am happy that different people enjoy rope in their own ways. It's such a versatile and multifaceted activity that it can meet many different needs of different people, be it a physical challenge, creating art, exploring a D/s dynamic or simply having some fun.

I do have a feeling, however, that if you want to get to the core of rope bondage if you want to explore its full potential, if you want to squeeze out of your practice everything there is to squeeze then you will end up in a similar place to where I am at the moment. Because, if you think about it, the act of being bound has always been both a symbol and an enactment of losing control and giving up the power.

In old Japan, hojojutsu was used either as a martial art or as a symbol of defeat and being held in captivity. Afterwards, when the act of binding became aestheticized and eroticized in art, it was still an act of disempowerment and lack of control of the bound person that was a subject of the aesthetic and erotic pleasure (and the torment of being in such situation). And if disempowerment was at the core of rope bondage from its origin, I can’t imagine practising it truly without that part included (at least if you still want to call it kinbaku).

Of course, you can use rope for many other things, for connection, for sensory experience, for a feeling of flow, for the beauty of the form. I do feel, however, that doing so is a bit like taming a beast by knocking out its teeth. Sure, the result is that it won’t bite you anymore and you might even domesticate it, but that newly acquired pet will not be as wild, beautiful and mysterious as it was when you’ve seen it for the first time and became fascinated by it. 

And I am truly fascinated by the beast. I am drawn to the dark corners of human experience that rope bondage allows me to explore. I appreciate the environment which being in ropes provides me for exploring myself at my weakest and most helpless. I appreciate that it offers me the possibility to, for once, be different than society tells me to be, to stop fighting for my power, to let go of control, to allow someone else to decide my faith, to express everything that I should not express. 

To me, being in ropes is the moment when I stop playing by the rules. When I can finally get to explore the parts of my psyche that I was told I should not explore. I would not say that it is the moment when I finally become myself, but rather that it is the moment when I can try out the versions of myself that I haven’t been allowed to explore in normal life. I don't say that it is easy. I don't say that it is for everyone. I don't say that it is all fun. But to me, what I describe here is what draws me to rope bondage. That glimpse of freedom that you gain only when you finally have nothing more to lose.

To me, rope is about exploring the limits of the mind

I am currently trying to define what drives me in rope bondage so that I can understand better where I stand in the realm of rope bottoming and (hopefully) make it easier for people who hear my thoughts on it to interpret them and find a place for them within their own definitions. 

By no means is what I write about here set in stone. I am ever-evolving and it might be that in half a year my thoughts on the topic will change completely. Also, it is not an exhaustive definition of who I am in ropes. I only touch upon some aspects of my modelling here. Some others I talk about in my other posts and there might be more to come on things that I've realised recently and haven’t shared yet. Also, it is not that I am living what I describe here at all times. Some things that I talk about are more prominent in my modelling than others, but still, I am sure that there are scenes in which nothing of what I write about in this post applies to me. 

I do think, however, that what I am touching upon are some of the driving forces that drew me towards, and keep me with, rope and kinbaku. What I describe is like a compass that steers my rope journey. I don’t always follow the route that it indicates, but in the end, I always come back to it. It is what inspires me and partly what makes me in rope me. I am writing about it as a way for me to make sense out of it, but also to possibly inspire other people to think differently about their bondage. I am not trying to convince anyone that this is the way to do it (even if I sound like it at times), so please refrain from asking me to put disclaimers that it is a personal account and not a prescription on rope bottoming in general.

Disclaimer: This is a personal account and not a prescription on rope bottoming in general.

These are some of my reasons for doing rope bondage and my personal approach to it. I hope that you will have some pleasure from reading it and take from it what you feel like.

I want to explore my mental limits, but not cross them

The intensity of the experience in ropes for me often comes from dancing on the verge of my limits. And the limits that I'm talking about here are psychological rather than physical. I think that the difference between mental and physical limits is that the first ones are way more fluid and situation dependent. Also, for me, the latter is often driven by the former. I can only push myself so far for the sake of a physical challenge, but when pleasing my Dominant comes into play, or simply suffering without any control over it, I turn out to be capable of way more than I thought I am. 

Pushing one’s mental limits is a very delicate matter. It is quite easy to realise that you’ve damaged yourself physically, but when it comes to psychological damage, things get murkier and much more complex. That is why for this kind of exploration you need to be able to feel very well what is happening within you and you need to be able to communicate it to your rigger so that they know what they are doing.

Going slow and constant communication is the key if you want your rigger to be aware of how much they can push you at all times. If you act tough for the bigger part of the scene and push away the psychological reactions that they are causing in you, there is a big risk that once you finally react, you will already be too far, because your reaction will be a result of passing your limits and things spilling out of you uncontrollably. And that is what you want to avoid. If you both go slow, however, and if you are both attuned to each other, you can get to really amazing places without using extreme tools for that. Sometimes less is more and the deeper you both are immersed in the scene, the less you need to do externally to make the other feel. It is more a matter of depth of immersion than the strength of the act itself.

I often observe riggers in workshops going very far very quick with their models. For example, in Soptik’s and mine recent workshop on Humiliation during the Prague Shibari Festival, there was a simple exercise of tying an upper chest harness that had a humiliating aspect to it. That was all that Soptik did on me (tied the chest harness), and because of his clear intention and small details in his behaviour, my reaction to the tie was quite strong. When the participants’ turn came, they went (as Wildties would say) byzantine. They started tying models faces, hanging things on them, exposing them and going into verbal humiliation. All because they wanted to get a reaction. However, the reactions of most of the models were not as strong as mine.

In my opinion, the reason for that was twofold. First, the models did not allow their feelings to flow through them freely. They were blocking the feelings of humiliation or were simply distracted, waiting for the rigger to do something that will put them in the right mindset. Secondly, the riggers were doing too much without the right intention. Sometimes, doing less and slowing down is a much better tool for making the model tuned in than overwhelming them with experiences. It is like with tenderising the meat (My partner, Asiana likes to use that comparison when she talks about semenawa), if you progress slowly, it’s like marinating the model. You don’t need much to make her ‘tender’ (read: get a reaction) if you prepared her well. If you haven’t prepared her beforehand, though, you need to strike really hard to get the same result, additionally substantially increasing the risk of causing damage in the process. 

As a model, I can’t do anything about the intentionality and intensity of what my rigger is giving me. I can, however, work on my own mindset to make it easier for them to work with me. Therefore, in a rope scene, I am usually trying to give the rigger all the information possible for them to be able to push me in the right way.

For that, I first focus on receiving the information from within myself, sensitizing myself to be able to read it and then I try to communicate what I am feeling to the rigger. Of course, I don’t only do these things to make the life of the rigger easier. For the bigger part, I do it because it allows me to reach the states that I am looking for. 

First and foremost, I want to feel

The most important reason for me to do rope is that it makes me feel. And the feelings that it can elicit are exactly the ones that I am looking for in BDSM: misery, helplessness, lack of control, surrender, submission, resignation, arousal, humiliation, objectification, fear. A skilled rigger can make me feel all these in a rope scene. And much more. 

I have an impression that because the progression in a rope scene is much slower than, for example, in an impact play scene, and there are many times when I am in a way left to myself, there is a lot of time for my mind to process what is happening to me and build its own story around it. I believe that that is the reason why I can get to as complex emotions with rope as I do with verbal play (which I really really love exactly for the level of emotional complexity one can achieve with it). In rope, instead of my partner enchanting me with their words, my head is doing it for them, manipulating my emotions and creating complex scenarios based on the actions of the rigger. So far, I haven’t found any other form of play that would allow for such emotional complexity as these two.

I want to feel as intensely as possible in my play. And the way to achieve the intensity for me is either by the level of the emotion itself (as in, intense fear or intense pleasure) or by its complexity. The latter often being more interesting for me. And because I am specifically looking for feelings and emotions, I try to make myself especially sensitive to anything that might elicit them. During a scene, I tune in into my bodily sensations and my feelings, all my attention focused on reading and interpreting what the rigger is doing to me and how it affects me. It happens not in the sense of actively analysing it in my head, but rather letting their actions affect my body and through that speak subconsciously to my mind and my heart. 

Finally, I don’t only want to feel strong emotions, I am not waiting for the fireworks. I want to experience everything there is to experience. I want to squeeze all the possible feelings that I might out of the scene. I don't only want to experience the end state, but the entire process that brings me there. I want to feel every little crack in my surface.

Also for that, I sensitize myself. Again, I tune in into my body so that I don’t miss any possible shift that might provide me with a new reason to feel, however small it is. I don't push away any emotion, I let them all in. The good and the bad, the strong and the weak, the overwhelming and the subtle. 

I let my feelings out

I tend to be very expressive and I think that there are a couple of reasons for it. One is that because I'm so focused on receiving and interpreting, all my attention and energy goes there and I have no energy left to hide what is happening inside of me. All of it is consciously directed somewhere else. Also, when you feel so much without pushing it away, it becomes in a way natural to also express it. If you open up so much to what you are feeling, it can be overwhelming at times and sometimes the only way to stay sane within this experience is to let it out. Otherwise, you'll end up like a pot that's about to boil over. It's better to lift the lead up early on and let the steam out gradually, as it comes. 

During the Prague Shibari Festival, I listened to a great lecture of Bergborg about Akechi Denki in which he mentioned an article that Akechi' s model, Katsuragi Ayano, wrote after performing with the Master in the Netherlands. In the article, you can read how surprised she was about the European virtue of stoicism in models. She commented on the model in a show preceding theirs taking a heavy whipping without any reaction, and how the audience seemed to appreciate it, while after their performance where she was screaming and crying, the organiser had to calm down the public and remind them that what they’ve seen was consensual. I think that things haven't changed that much since then. Stoicism and even a certain kind of serenity in ropes are still very appreciated in Europe. We value people who can take difficulties calmly and with composure. We value quiet models who endure silently.

Unfortunately, I am not like that. I let out everything that I feel inside of me. I tend to be very expressive. When something hurts me, I scream, when I'm aroused, I moan and when I'm desperate, I wail. And for that, I have been criticised in different communities. That I am too loud, too dramatic or that I invade other people's spaces at rope jams with my expression. 

I understand the critique. I definitely stand out often and my reactions are frequently not compatible with what other people around me are looking for in ropes. The thing is, though, that what I do is simply not overwriting my natural reactions with politically correct ones. Being in ropes (especially in a suspension) is an extreme experience. You put your body in a state of heavy distress, sometimes even terror. I don't want to shut down my feelings to appear more graceful or more strong. I am not going to diminish my natural reactions in order for my rigger and the audience to be comfortable with pushing me further. I want to feel what I feel and I want the rigger to be able to witness what they are doing to me. I don't look for pride in swallowing my reactions and in appearing tough. In fact, I don’t look for pride in bondage at all. My goal is to be moved, to feel as deeply as possible, the expression of it being just a side effect.

Finally, I want my rigger to be able to understand what they are doing to me. We are playing a delicate and risky game and I don’t want to mislead them in anything. Even though it seems like they are the culprit and I am the victim, to me it is more as if we are partners in crime. We both want to bring me to my limits and we both want me to experience intense emotions. In order to do it in a conscious and informed way, I want to cooperate with them. 

I think that if one looks at modelling qualities, the context is extremely important. While there might be some general objectively desired skills that every rigger should have (being able to tie with the right even tension, having muscle memory of certain ties or at least some passages of a tie etc.), I recently grow more and more convinced that for models it’s not the case (with the exception maybe of being able to monitor the most basic safety indicators). However, it doesn’t mean that the models have no input in rope bondage. Quite the contrary. 

In my opinion, I have an enormous impact on the scene as a model (and if some riggers would like to challenge me in this statement, please bring it on). Depending on what I want to get out of the tie, I can facilitate myself in it or make it more difficult for myself and for the rigger. That is not to say that I direct my rope scenes in any way (I think that the people who have seen me being tied would agree that trying to direct my rigger in any way is the last thing that I do), rather I try to remove all the obstacles from my side that might hinder the rigger in bringing me to where I want to be (and where they want me to be). 

And because for me the mental challenge and the emotional aspects of rope bondage are very important, I do everything in order to make it easier for the rigger to give them to me. I do my part and I hope that they will do their part as well. What I do doesn’t necessarily make sense in absolute terms, but it certainly does in the context of what I am looking for. 

Because if you want to feel, you should let yourself feel. If you want to share your emotions with someone else, you need to let them in and allow them to witness you. And finally, if you want to explore your limits, doing so gradually and with awareness is the way to go if you don't want to get hurt (too much) in the process.

On the merit of patience in rope models

Photo by Michal Neoral.

I haven’t always been a patient model. In fact, I used to be a very impatient and annoying one. I used to be a model that would always want to be played with and entertained and couldn’t stand rope tops practising things on her.

I've been very fortunate because basically from the moment that I discovered rope, I've only been tied by riggers who are fluent in using it. I've never tied with a complete beginner. Every partner of mine was able to give me an experience of a scene with the flow, and because of my strong reactiveness to rope and being 'fun to play with', that's what I always ended up doing with people. It seemed like I am an extremely skilled model and I was doing great right from the start of my 'rope career'. I thought that there is nothing that I needed to work on, that I was simply born for it. Until I modelled for a first technique-oriented workshop on a TK.

There hadn’t been even an inch of play in that workshop. It was all about rope technicalities: the knots, the frictions, the tension. Additionally, the pressure on the rope tops was high because at the end of the workshop they were supposed to tie the TK perfectly in a limited amount of time. Therefore, my partner was all focused on the execution of the tie and not on how it affected me. There was no room for it and it wasn't the point of the workshop either.

During the workshop, I was really dreadful. I was restless and I kept giving my partner the impression of how bored I was. Plus, I was trying to get the attention of everyone around. I kept complaining and at some point, I even started yawning. I felt entitled to it since that wasn't the rope experience that I signed up for.
Even writing about my attitude makes me cringe.

After the workshop, I got feedback from the other participants and also the teacher (who was my friend and partner, Asiana) and they all agreed that my behaviour was terrible and really not acceptable. I thought that I was providing entertainment to the others, but it turned out that I wasn't, quite the opposite. Since so many people whom I respected were of exactly the same opinion and since when I'd heard how it felt from the outside, I totally agreed with them, I decided to change.

And I did. I became a very patient and obedient model. Nowadays, I can model for technical workshops for hours and not complain even once. I model for teachers, and being a model of someone who is giving a workshop can be even more demanding because their focus is never on you during the workshop. Not when they're tying, because then they are explaining things, and also not after since then they need to help the participants and give them feedback. So you are either used as a prop to demonstrate a tie on or you have to wait until you will be used as a prop again with a minimal in-between connection or attention from your rigger. I take it all patiently and gracefully.

It's not because I learned how to shut my mouth and suffer the boredom and lack of attention in silence. I don't think that it would take me far. Sooner or later my feelings would show up one way or another.
Rather, my mindset and attitude towards this kind of rope activities have truly changed. The fact is that currently, I enjoy riggers practising things on me as well as modelling for technical workshops, and I'm not bored being tied without feelings or having the same pattern applied to me over and over again. I found a way to appreciate it and not treat it as a necessary evil.

I would like to share here the realizations that brought me to that mindset, as I do think that patience is one of the most important qualities for creating beautiful kinbaku that a model can have and that it doesn't only benefit the riggers but also the models themselves.

Not all of the things that I mention here have to apply to everyone. I think that they can be practised independently and each one of them can be beneficial on its own. I do hope that reading about it might inspire more models to find their own patience within and will help them and their riggers in their rope development as much as it is helping me.

You are only as bored as you want to be

There are millions of things that you can do as your own practice when the rope top is perfecting their technique. You can focus on your bodily sensations in the tie. You can focus on feeling the emotions that are inside you. You can meditate. You can practice maintaining proper posture (there is an art in sitting and standing in a proper manner), just to name a few.

Think for yourself what you can do and what you find the most interesting. I often alternate between the above during workshops and practice times. The possibilities of your mind, your body and the connection between them to develop and entertain you are endless if you let them. It's all about maintaining an attitude of curiosity and engagement.

Surviving boredom can prepare you for surviving the suffering later on

What I also discovered recently, is that training your mind to be able to sustain long periods of bodily inactivity is very similar to training it to withstand long periods of physical distress. Especially when the distress is partly about being immobilized, as it is in case of bondage.

So, while it might seem like you are not doing anything when your partner is using your body to practice, you might actually be practising the mindset that is extremely important later on when you will progress to more demanding ties, and when a strong mind and an ability to withstand distress for extended periods of time will be very important.

Enjoy the objectification of being a practice prop

To me, a huge benefit of being a practice prop for my riggers is the experience of objectification that it provides me with. I realize that it's not everyone's kink, but if it is yours, try to relax into the space of being an object next time when your rigger is practising their technique on you. Let yourself to become quiet and your mind to be emptied from thoughts. Enjoy your usefulness to them and the possibility to let go and just be whatever they need you to be in this moment.

By allowing the rigger to properly practice, you build the ground for better scenes in the future

This one is pretty straightforward, yet it took me some time to realize it. How are all those great riggers with whom I want to have amazing scenes expected to emerge if there is nobody that they can practice their technique on? And if there are people willing to do that, but I am not one of them, why should I deserve to get the benefits of their sacrifices?

Rope is not all fun and play and declining participation in the less fun parts of it means that, as a model, you either push it on to other models or you prevent your riggers from growing. Neither is desirable. Additionally, even if you don't care about pushing the responsibility on the other models and ripping only the benefits being unethical, having the rigger practice particularly on you has also direct benefits. Because each model's body is different, practising on your body increases not only rigger's skills in general but also their skills in tying you. They learn to fit the ties to your body and to be fluent in tying especially you. You become more attuned to each other. And that's an important precondition for having amazing rope scenes later on.

Do not behave like it's all about you

As I mentioned before, rope is not only 'fun' and requiring that riggers entertain you at all times and always engage with you when tying is making it very one-sided and selfish. Additionally, it skews the power dynamics entirely to your side which, if you are submissive like me, is the last thing you want.

To me, being a submissive is not an on and off thing. You don't turn it on for the fun stuff and off when the work needs to be done. To me, being a submissive is very much about service, about an offering that you make of yourself, about being useful. That actually gives me more satisfaction than being involved in submissive acts during play. The latter is just a cherry on top, a temporary emanation of a dynamic that's always there, a reward of sorts for being ready to serve my Dominant at all times.

In the way I approach rope bondage, a D/s element is essential to me. I don't tie with people with whom I don't feel some level of submission. And if I am submissive to someone (even to a small degree), I will never try to dictate them the terms of our engagement with each other. Doing what they want (and not what I superficially might seem to want) is, in fact, bringing me the deepest kind of pleasure. And when they require me to model for them for practice, to be useful without getting direct pleasure from it, is a proof that, indeed, I do not dictate the terms, that what we are doing is because they want it and not me.

Have an attitude of service and gratitude

This one is tied to the previous one, but I want to elaborate on it a bit more. As much as we, models, are offering our bodies for the riggers to tie and torment, they are offering us their skills and hard work that stands behind them. And we shouldn't forget about it.

Recently, there has been more and more attention drawn to giving recognition to the models and their efforts, which I think is great. Riggers should be grateful for our offering, and as an appreciation of it, they should serve our bodies and our minds as good as they possibly can. They should not use us as requisites in an exercise of boosting their egos, but they should respect us and our gifts and in that sense give justice to the sacrifices that we are making.

At the same time, models should also recognize the effort and risk that the riggers are taking when tying us. We rarely talk about the fact that becoming a skilled rigger takes really a lot of effort. We should be grateful to our riggers and appreciate them for it. Also, we should try to serve them in their efforts as much as possible, not only consume the benefits of their hard work but also be ready to give of ourselves what there is to give in order to support them. We're not learning the complex technical skills of having an absolute command of rope that they do, but we can assist them in doing it.

We want to be tied by the best riggers and have great experiences, but what do we do to actually deserve it? I don't think that just being young, pretty and flexible should do. And if it does then it's up to the riggers to evaluate whether they respect themselves enough in their choices of who they tie with.

Always stay in the rope space, don't practice casually

Finally, even though I do tie for practice nowadays (something that I used to not do at all in the past) and I model for technically-oriented workshops, I'm still always trying to have my mind in a being-tied special rope mindset.

I still hate discussing ties or talking in general, while I'm in rope. I give feedback to my riggers, but only after the tying is finished. In this way, I can practice getting out of my head and into my body when being tied and I develop the habit of doing so each time when I'm in rope.

I keep the feeling of being in rope as something that is special and prevent it from becoming casual. That's why I never do other things when people practice on me, as in, watch television, read, play on my phone. Even if the rigger does not need my attention at that moment, I want to keep the offering attitude and the 'sacredness' of the feeling of being in ropes.

I do realize that my approach to rope is very particular and not every model looks at their practice this way. I also don't think that they should. I think that we should all look for our own approach and our own expression in our practice of rope bondage.

However, I do think that reading about different attitudes that people have in rope can be immensely helpful in finding your own. And I hope that by sharing mine, I help others in achieving that, even if it's by them realizing that they completely don't agree with me. I also hope that maybe for some, my thoughts will be like that feedback that I received after the TK workshop. Something that makes you slightly uncomfortable but allows for change and growth.

Because I do think that, at least if we wish to tie with skilled riggers, patience is a quality that we should work on developing. It benefits the riggers, as it takes the pressure of entertaining the model away from them and allows them to focus on perfecting their skills whenever they feel is necessary. It also benefits us, models, indirectly by contributing to the skills of the riggers, and directly as it teaches us to take care of ourselves and to be able to manage our own mind better, without relying on the rigger so much.

Finally, the attitude that I describe creates a positive feedback loop in which each party supports the other in their growth, but at the same time takes full responsibility for their own development. It also calls for appreciation and gratitude of both partners, each one of them recognizing their different but equally important and complementary roles. It makes each rope related activity valuable for both parties, at the same time not trying to equate them, but preserving their distinct nature.

Because the nature of the rigger's practice is very different from the model's. Neither of them is easy and because of the partnered nature of rope bondage, neither can fully develop without the help of their partner. And if we want to tie with great riggers, let's try to be the models that they deserve.

Thoughts upon recovering from a rope injury

I've been tied a lot lately and I think that I can finally say that I'm back to my full physical fitness from before the injury. It feels great to be able to be in ropes again without constant vigilance over what's happening in my body. To be able to let go like I used to do. 

However, being tied now is not the same. I'm not the same. This experience has definitely changed me. Fortunately, not in a way that I was afraid it will. I didn't become more cautious or more focused on my bodily signals. If anything, I might actually be less now. I think that I became more accepting of the fact that I might get an injury. It happened once and it might happen again. I'm not saying that I became more careless, but maybe less obsessive about it. 

Because when I got injured, I didn't receive any prior signals. It might have been that I was not paying attention, but I don't think that was it. I'm generally pretty aware of what's happening in my body and I'm able to communicate if something doesn't feel right. The scene was tough and I was suffering a lot. The position was not something that I am used to. But it wasn't more extreme than other things that I've experienced so far. It didn't make me feel like my body was violated in a bad way. And yet it did lead to an injury. 

Coming back to rope after recovery, I had two choices, limit what I do tremendously to make sure that I won't get injured again (which, in fact, you can never be sure about) or come back to the way that I used to do rope and accept that at some point I might get injured again. I went for the second option, which was my mindset also before the injury, but which has now become more mature because the risk is not so theoretical anymore. 

Rope bondage (especially if you do semi-suspensions and suspensions) is an edge play. And the nature of playing on the edge is such that you do get hurt from time to time. That's what makes the play exciting. But if you want the reward, you also need to be willing to accept the risk. Especially for me, since I really love my limits to be pushed, I really love to suffer, I feel like it's inevitable that from time to time something will go wrong. Trying to convince myself that I can prevent an injury from happening again while preserving the intensity of the experiences that I get from rope would be lying to myself. And doing that is limiting in my opinion. 

Realising and accepting the possible consequences and making a conscious decision to go forward regardless is freeing. The elephant disappears from the room. It also makes you realise how big value the thing that puts you in danger has to you that you continue to do it despite being conscious of the threat. I know that I would rather get injured again than stop having the amazing experiences that rope is giving me.

Of course, there are ways to minimise the risks. I tie with people who I trust and who, I believe, know their own limits. I work on maintaining my body awareness while being immersed in the tie. I analyse my bodily and emotional reactions after each tie and try to communicate to my rigger anything that I feel might be useful for them during (but preferably after) the session.

But… If I want myself and my riggers to develop, if we want to get out of our comfort zones, we need to move to an unknown territory. And since it is an unknown, you don't know what to expect there and you can't really prepare for it. You can listen as much as you want to other people who have been there but their experience can't really prepare you for your experience. Their body is not your body. Their mind is not your mind. Relying too much on their input might make you pay attention to the signs that were left there for them and miss the ones that are waiting for you.

However, if you stay cautious, self-aware, open and willing to learn, that exploration might lead you to amazing insights. Sometimes your lessons might be painful, sometimes you will need to lose something in order to gain something else. I think that now I am more aware and accepting of that. And looking forward to exploring the uncharted territory of rope bondage further. Because the real adventure has only just started.

Thoughts on my approach to rope modelling after my first ever public rope performance

Photo by anonymus.

I can't even express how privileged I feel to have given my first rope performance as a model of amazing Soptik in the School of rope run by Kirigami and Tenshiko in Milan. It was a small and intimate show, intended for the audience to experience a real session that could happen between the two of us in private. Around 40 people were allowed to have a peek into our dynamic (almost) without a filter. And I believe that for some it was an intense experience. Maybe even as intense as it was for me.

I expected my limits to be pushed and to suffer. I expected to be exposed and ashamed. I expected pain and I expected desperation. It was all there. What I didn’t expect, though, was the amount of emotional courage and vulnerability that it takes to give a performance like that. I didn’t expect how emotionally exposed will I feel afterwards. How fragile, and weak, and defenceless.

After the show, people came to us, and between praising the skills of Soptik they also praised how strong and beautiful I was. Hearing that made me weirdly confused. It completely didn’t match the way I felt during the performance. I did feel that I showed and gave a lot. I did feel that they could see a big part of me bare in the open. But I didn’t feel that my strength or beauty was on display that night. Rather the opposite.

This dissonance made me think of my mindset in rope and how it affects the experiences that I have.

Preparation

The first thing that I realized was that this entire show was a sacrifice for my rigger. From the moment that we entered the School of rope, I was readying myself for it. Even though, a few hours before the show I was slightly nervous, the moment we arrived at the school, I quietened. My mind became calm and still. The mental preparation for taking what was waiting for me at the hands of Soptik began.

I wanted to be ready for him. I wanted to be empty. To feel everything that he wants me to feel and let his actions flow through me. I didn’t even do it consciously. It just happened. Only afterwards when I was reflecting on the experience, I realized the reason for my quiet. I also realized that I do it often before tying, even if not to that degree. Before the scene, I usually do everything to avoid talking and to have a moment of silence and preparation. I like to just sit quietly in seiza with my head down and wait for the rigger to start tying me. To be ready for him when the tying begins.

Sacrifice

No matter how much it seems like I enjoy rope, being tied is always a sacrifice for me at some level. I don't think that I have ever had a scene which I've done for my own pleasure. My mindset in rope (and when I bottom in general) is always the one of giving and not the one of taking. I enjoy rope but not in a straightforward manner. My pleasure comes by proxy from the pleasure of the rigger.

All I want is to please my rigger. If he wants me to be beautiful, I will try to be beautiful. If he wants me to be disgusting and twisted, I will be. I will go through anything for the sake of the pleasure of the other if they are willing to accept my sacrifice. And I like that feeling of sacrifice. It gives me a strange satisfaction and makes my offering more valuable. If I would be doing something that I deeply enjoy then what is there to be of value in it for the other? I would be doing it for myself and not for him.

Paradoxically, not many people are good at accepting such sacrifice. Often they want the model to enjoy themselves at some level as well. They don't want to have a feeling like it's all about them. They don't want to feel like they are forcing me into something that I don't want. Soptik is one of the most graceful takers that I know. He really is perfectly comfortable with accepting any kind of sacrifice, no matter how big it is. He takes it with appreciation, but without a feeling of obligation to repay. That makes me feel very relaxed in my giving. I know that with him I don't need to pretend that I want what he wants. I know that he will just take it from me no matter what my feelings about it are. And somehow that is very freeing. I can purely focus on him and let go of myself completely.

Violation

Another feeling that ropes often cause in me is being violated. Partly, because that's what ropes do, they take away one’s freedom and restrict one’s body. Often in a painful manner. Partly though, I feel violated because that is how I want to feel and I'm especially looking for signs of it in every moment of the scene. In my head, I amplify the violence and inhibit tenderness or pleasure.

I don't think that how I feel about being in ropes is universal. I've spoken to many models and basically each one of them had different ways of experiencing the ropes. For some it was a pleasure, for some it was an expression of love and devotion, for some it was a challenge and for others a means of torture. I think that I am the closest to the tortured ones, although it's not exactly that. Being in ropes makes me feel like a prisoner. Captured and helpless. It makes me feel completely without control. The violation is more that of my personal freedom and expression than of my body. I feel violated, because it feels like rope grabs all the emotions that are inside me and rips them out of me, to the outside world.

And even though I surrender to it, it's rarely a peaceful surrender. It doesn’t go without an inner fight. At some level, it always feels forceful and against my will. And that is another thing that Soptik doesn't find disturbing, while many do. That's why with him I don't feel like I need to soften my feelings and bring myself to enjoy what is happening to me. I can simply relax into the violence that is inflicted upon me and observe what it does to me.

Expression

Ropes make me feel a lot. I go through countless emotional states in one scene. From resignation to denial, to desperation, to devotion, to disagreement and finally, surrender. I can go through cycles of the same emotions repeating over and over or uncover a new and surprising emotional landscape unfolding in front of me as I go deeper and deeper.

And, somehow, I don't want to have these experiences alone. I don't want to go through them silently, buried deep inside of myself. Because it's my rigger who ignites these experiences in me and I want him to know what he is causing. I want him to know what I am going through. I want to move him like I am moved. That is why I let my body express what I feel. I want him to see and hear what's inside me. I want to talk to him with my moans and my silences. I express physically what can't be expressed with words.

Sometimes my expression is loud, sometimes it is subtle. There are things that are obvious and some that you can only understand if you are a very avid listener. It is always directed to my rigger, though. Somehow I have a deep need to be seen and understood by him. I think that that is what drives my need for outward expression. A need to be seen and understood.

In a rope performance, however, it is not only the rigger who reads you. It is also the audience. Contrary to what I expected, though, it didn't change much in my expression. I was, still, mainly trying to communicate with him and not with the audience. I wanted him and not the audience to see me. Not in the sense that I would rather be somewhere else, where the audience couldn’t see us. But in the sense that I didn’t think of the audience as a recipient of my message. They were not my target. He was.

That was during the performance. Afterwards, however, I realized how vulnerable such open communication and expression made me feel because it was in front of an audience. They had access to something very private and personal. They could see an expression of what is buried very deep inside of me. They could see the expressions of my emotions and feelings that I don’t necessarily want people to know about. Even if most of them, only Soptik could read.

I am not saying it as a bad thing. I don’t regret showing anything on the stage. What I am trying to say is that I was surprised how much it affected me. How much it costs to be so honest. I will keep expressing myself like that because I think that it is beautiful and it lets me experience something very profound in some ways. I will strive to stay honest in my expression because there is nothing else that is worth showing in my opinion. No matter what are the costs involved. But now I am more aware that there are costs.

Perversion and shame

One of the reasons why it makes me feel so vulnerable when people watch me in ropes is that I find my needs perverse. It's not that I don't accept them. I don’t wish that I was different. I don’t wish that I was not masochistic or not submissive. I think that both are beautiful and poetic and romantic and let me experience things that I could never experience not being like that. But I still don’t find it normal. I think that I am not normal. And showing it to other people, no matter how open-minded they are, hell, even showing it to my Dominant, makes me feel very vulnerable and in some way ashamed of myself.

I am not a proud pervert. A happy one, yes, but not proud. The lack of pride is definitely related to my kinks, which are, among others, shame, humiliation, degradation and abandonment. Feeling like what I am doing is sick enhances these feelings and adds to the experience. It is like with the Forbidden fruit, it tastes better when you are not allowed to eat it. I want to feel like it is not allowed to do what I do and then do it anyway. I don’t want to feel accepted. I want to feel like I am at the margin of society. I want to feel different and cast out.

Recently, I’ve participated in another great workshop from @Wildties, on what the Spirit of kinbaku is for him. One of the things that he mentioned about the Japanese models, is that for them ropes are deeply perverted. Even porn actresses, for which being stuffed with dildos, getting enemas and having the most twisted sex are their daily bread, in ropes feel like a ’fallen woman’. They often even use rope sessions as a way to punish themselves for what they do in their daily lives. They don’t do ropes to feel cool. They don’t brag about the scenes they’ve had. They keep it in the realm of true perversion, better not to be talked about.

I feel quite similar about doing ropes or my other kinks. Maybe not to that level, also because in an environment where I am, what I do is much more accepted. However, even within an open kink community I rather go for the less accepted and more risky types of play, like emotional masochism and deep and intense D/s dynamics, degradation and objectification. Because I always want to feel that thrill of being slightly sick. I don’t want to feel like what I do is acceptable and normal. I want to feel out of the ordinary and in some ways shocking.

That is also why it was so difficult for me to show it to people. Even though it wasn’t the first time when people have seen me being tied, also not by Soptik, but the fact that the spotlight was on us and that this time my perversion was clearly on display was very powerful.

The fact that Soptik could do anything to me and that I was willingly letting him do it, was to me on some level shameful. It is not what society teaches us to do. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient and fight for ourselves. There was no fight in me. I was allowing it to happen to me willingly. I was openly admitting how twisted I am. And it didn’t make me feel proud. It didn’t make me feel strong either. No matter how it looked on the outside, on the inside being in rope for me is my moment of greatest weakness. It is my moment of giving myself to the other person entirely. It is my moment of dropping all my boundaries, of a total loss of control. And the fact that I enjoy being so weak and miserable makes me feel perverted.

This performance made me realize a lot of things about myself and my approach to ropes and also made me realize better what is and isn’t me when it comes to rope bottoming. The same way as there are many styles of rope bondage, there are also many styles of rope bottoming. What I do is just one of the ways but I am happy to be able to see more and more clearly what my way is. In some ways how I approach rope is darker than for many others, I think. There is a lot of submission and masochism in it that are not necessarily essential to being a rope bottom. I also tend to go very deep and look for the emotional experiences much more than the physical ones. To me, that is where the true beauty of kinbaku comes from.

I don’t need everyone to accept or understand who I am, but I am happy that there are people who do and who can also appreciate my darkness. I hope that that performance was a glimpse into what I can be if paired with a rigger who can see and use my traits in the right way. To me, it was a spectacle of who I am as a model and who I am with Soptik and I am grateful to be able to show it to others. Even if I didn’t seem to be proud of it.

This song will always evoke memories of this performance in me:

Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio ‎-- Cocktails Carnage Crucifixion And Pornography Cd 2003. if you like Visit my Channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnROS...

My thoughts on objectification in Japanese rope bondage and the differences between the ways that the Japanese and the Westerners do rope

Disclaimer: This post is full of generalisations as I use them as a tool for extracting certain patterns. However, I must stress that I do not claim that it is a proper description of the way that people in Japan and in the West practice rope. Rather, it is an indication of certain tendencies which I do believe, partially, to be culturally influenced. When I talk about ‘The Japanese’ I draw most of my conclusions from my experiences with Akira Naka and Suzuki Iroha, Hourai Kasumi, Shigonawa Bingo and Yoshida Yoi, all of whom I have seen live. Finally, I believe that most of the attitudes that I describe here as ‘Japanese‘ are related to the traditional Japanese culture with its arts and crafts which is deeply influenced by Zen as well as Shintoism.

Some time ago, I’ve been teaching a workshop on objectification in rope with Soptik and during one of the feedback rounds an interesting statement was made by one of the participants. They indicated that they are currently mainly practising Naka style and therefore objectification was a very unnatural (but also interesting) way for them to treat their model. I was extremely surprised by this statement because the way that I see Naka style is that it is extremely objectifying. That is one of the reasons why I love to be tied in this style so much. Of course, different people might perceive the same ties in very different ways as this perception is usually the result of the intention of the rigger and the mindset of the model. However, the discrepancy in the perception of one style by the two of us was so big that it triggered me to investigate it more. 

In more or less the same time, I was a witness to a performance of a well known Japanese rigger, Yoi Yoshida, which, added to my previous experiences with Japanese riggers, made me think a lot about the differences (as perceived by me) in the way that (most of the) Westerners do rope compared to the Japanese. Combining both, resulted in some thoughts that I decided to word here.

By no means, it is an attempt at defining some ultimate cultural truths. Rather, it is a description of how I perceive certain things, very subjective and personal and definitely open for a discussion.

For the Japanese rope is a ritual, for the Westerners, it is an adventure

I have an impression that a lot of us, Westerners is often focused on the ‘newness’ in rope. We constantly look for new positions, new emotions, new forms of expression. We are always trying to innovate. Looking at the performances of the famous Western riggers, you can see that they always strive for showing something that is, in a way, unusual. They are afraid that if they don’t, they will appear boring. 

From what I have seen so far about the way that the Japanese people do rope, I feel like for them rope is not so much about the new experiences, but rather it is about one very particular experience. They do not mind repeating the same sequence over and over again. They don’t get bored with it. Rather, they recognise that, just as in a ritual, even though seemingly it is always the same, it actually never is. Even though on the outside the sequence of your movements looks the same every time, each of those times you are not the same and your partner isn’t either, and by letting your body flow in a sequence that is so recognizable, you can awaken deep and powerful emotions within, even without much effort on the side of the rigger, just by the sheer power of the archetype.

I often hear a critique of more traditional Japanese performances that they tend to be very repetitive and if you’ve seen one then you’ve seen them all. After seeing a couple, I can say that it is partly true, there is a certain universal dramaturgy to them, a certain flow that remains more or less stable. I find it fascinating, though. Watching it is like watching Shakespear's play on stage. On the one hand, it treats about the notions that you know like the back of your hand, on the other, these notions are so powerful and deep that you can never get enough of relieving them and there is something new to be found there every time you see it. 

New things are big and bold and exciting. They can make one feel a lot. Often though, they lack subtlety. The newness is so overwhelming that there is no space for nuance. Only once you familiarize yourself with a state, either physical or mental, can you go deeper into it and start to explore it in its fullness. Just as with re-reading a book or re-watching a movie. The first time, you are focused on the plot and you mostly follow the most sensational part of it. And only the following times, you start to recognise the craftsmanship of the makers and the beauty of the language used or the particular way the image was shot.

The Japanese focus much more on the path, while the Westerners have a goal in mind

Related to the above is my impression that Japanese people, in general, are much less goal-oriented and much more process-oriented. In their view, the entire process of tying is a goal by itself. When tying, they do not have a particular end position in mind, but rather a journey that they want to go through with the model. I feel like they are much more sensitive and aware of a time aspect of the rope scene and they appreciate it much more.

I think that models in general, both in Japan and in the West, are more aware of this time dimension as it is very hard for the model to dissociate themselves from the process of being tied and only see the end result. While the tie is constructed, you have the visceral experience of having the rope caressing or constricting you, which is basically what you are looking for as a model (at least most of the time, I think). You don’t necessarily want to experience being in a particular position, but simply being tied and the states that are related to it. 

For a rigger, though, it might be different as he or she might be much more drawn to focus on the end result if they are not tuned in with the model. My guess is that the source of satisfaction from tying people might either be your impact on the model, which will draw you more into the here and now or succeeding with finishing the shape that you had in mind which can be more future-oriented. Especially in our, western, culture, we tend to appreciate the successes, but not the path that leads us to them causing people to be very goal-oriented. And I think that often spills into the way we do rope. 

Even models in the West can sometimes be goal-oriented. I often see scenes where the model is just standing there, bored and absent-minded, waiting for the rigger to finish the tie and put them in the air, which then seems to be the goal for both of them. It is always such a shame for me when I see it because I think that they miss a lot of experience.

The Japanese seem to have a more internalized notion of passing time but at the same time, it’s continuity. They don’t see the world as a series of achievements and failures but rather as a constant flow of things. And it is reflected in the way they do rope. It is about the process of putting the rope on and then off and about the mental journey that it brings you on. None of the stops on that journey is more important than the other. Their sequence and flow are what brings you joy.

For the Japanese, the model is at the centre of attention but as an object of beauty

In my experience and understanding so far, Japanese riggers pay a lot of attention to the model, but not in the same way as we would do it. They definitely understand very well that the model, including their emotional state, is a part of the tie. While Westerners often focus more on the form of the rope itself, forgetting about the model that is in it, Japanese sculpt using the model, both in the physical as well as in the mental dimension.

Having said that, Japanese riggers don’t tie for the model, the way that Westerners often do. They don’t tie to give this particular model a particular experience, but rather to achieve a certain universal effect using the model they have at hand. That is why, I think that the Japanese way of doing rope is very objectifying, even though the emotions of the model often are at the core of it. How I see it, is that in the way that Japanese riggers approach rope even emotions get objectified. 

Especially when you look at the Naka style, which is very aesthetically driven, as Naka-san developed it in close cooperation with and deeply influenced by Sugiura Norio, the emotion of the model is very much a visual output. The aesthetics of his or her emotional response is crucial. Of course, it comes from within them and the rigger looks for their real natural expression. But still, the external beauty of it is at the core of the rigger’s interest and not their internal emotional process. That is why, in my opinion, the model in her entirety, emotions and all, is treated by the rigger as a beautiful object. 

The concept of ‘muga’ applies as much to the model as it does to the rigger

There is a concept of muga, selflessness, that is often talked about in the context of the riggers. That the rigger should be empty at the beginning of the scene. He or she should have no expectations and they should let the expression of the model and the tying itself fill them in and flow through them.

Many people understand it in the way that the rigger should be empty so that they can be there for the model. So that they are not self-centred, but model-centred. That they let the expressions of the model guide them. I would venture a different theory, though.

In my opinion, both the model as well as the rigger should be muga. The model should not have any expectations of the rigger or of the tie either. He or she should be empty at the beginning of the scene and let the experience itself fill them with emotions and flow through them, emanating to the outside world and inspiring the rigger. The way that I see it, they both serve a higher purpose, which is performing a kinbaku scene. They both sacrifice themselves in their own ways in order to create something that they both find beautiful. In that sense, I see the model very much as an object in the context of a kinbaku scene, because it is not about them expressing themselves, but about being the vehicle through which the rigger can express the beauty of the Japanse rope bondage. 

In the West, we often focus a lot on expressing our personalities in rope, on making the model feel a particular emotion or on pleasing him or her. My impression is that for the Japanese it is not the case. They do end up doing all these things (maybe except for pleasing), but they are all a by-product of a kinbaku practice and not a goal by itself. The Japanese don't strive for self-expression in the way that we often do. Rather, it comes from within them when their ego is quiet and when the time for it comes.

 
Finally, I want to stress that I am not trying to criticise the people who don’t strive to do rope the Japanese way. I don’t think that one is better than the other. I am not even sure if I should call it ‘the Japanese way’ as I don’t think that there is one Japanese way in the same way that there is no one Western way. What I mostly talk about here in terms of Japanese rope is what I experienced myself, which is seeing Akira Naka and Suzuki Iroha, Hourai Kasumi, Shigonawa Bingo and Yoshida Yoi or learning from western teachers who are deeply influenced by traditional Japanese rope Masters. I do think that, even though generalizations are never entirely true, an effort taken in producing them can give one a lot of insights about the area that they are trying to generalize about.

And for me, if I practice an art coming from a certain culture, I usually want to learn as much as I can about the culture itself because I think that in order to get into the core of the practice, you need to take its cultural aspect into account as well. And only after internalising it, can you make it your own. 

People often criticise the Westerners who are trying to be too ‘Japanese’. For me, there is something beautiful about it, though. There is this art that fascinates me and that comes from a very different culture. To me, it must mean that there is some link between me and ‘them’. And maybe by exploring and trying to live that culture, I will uncover what that link is and therefore uncover and incorporate that part of myself that was so drawn to it in the first place. 

What I want to experience in rope is You

I tie with different riggers who have very different styles, but there is a conviction amongst the people who know me that my prefered style of being tied in, is the more traditional Japanese rope bondage, let’s call it kinbaku (I realize that it is a vague term, but I think that most of the people reading this post will have some idea of what I mean). Therefore, often when I say that I enjoyed tying with someone who doesn’t fit into that box, I get very surprised reactions.

“What?! How come you enjoy tying with that person? They are totally not your style!”.

And I do understand their surprise partially. It is true that the aesthetics and emotional landscape of semenawa and kinbaku fit me like a glove and I love to be tied by people who practice those ways. It doesn’t mean, though, that this is the only way in which I want to be tied. It doesn’t even mean that this is my prefered way of being tied.

To me tying with people is not an à la carte menu choice where I pick the dishes that I like the most. Rather, what I want is an omakase experience. I want the rigger to show me what he or she has to offer. I want to experience them and not use them to experience what I have in mind. I come to each scene with openness and curiosity and not with a set of expectations or guidelines on what I want them to give me.

And because of that, the people that I like to tie with the most are the people who are true to themselves in tying, the people who have something to say, the people who are expressing themselves in rope and not trying to copy something that they’ve seen in somebody else.

That is not to say that you have to be extremely original in what you are doing for me to enjoy tying with you. Some styles fit some people perfectly and some classic ties are just a pure perfection that does not need any improvements. For me, it is not really about what you are tying but about how you are doing it.

Are you in the experience or is your mind elsewhere? Are you tying me because you want to connect with me or are you trying to prove something to someone (that someone possibly also being yourself)? Do you enjoy what you are doing to me? Do you do what you do because you truly want it or are trying to please me? Do you recognize that you are interacting with a person and that your actions have an effect on me? Are you enjoying and exploring that effect? Is what you are creating with me beautiful (in whatever sense of that word)?

These are some of the questions that I am asking myself (even unconsciously) to evaluate whether I enjoyed tying with someone and whether I want to explore our rope relationship further. No matter what style you tie in, the answers to these might be positive or negative.

Because the thing about rope for me (or any other form of D/s activity for that matter) is that it is a joint exploration. If I am stepping into those murky waters with you, it is because you made me interested enough about your personality to want to see what will come out of joining it with mine. It is not because I’ve seen you tie someone up and I want the exact same experience. I know that it is not possible, because I am not that person. And why would I want that anyway?

It happens sometimes that I observe someone tying and think “This is an interesting person to be tied by”, but it is not about the exact thing that they did to someone and it doesn't lead to my expectations of what he or she would do to me. My thinking is more in lines of ”Interesting that they did that to him/her. I am curious what would they do to me.”

It is not even about the fact that I am a different person so they wouldn't do the same thing to me as they did to someone else. Even if they did something to their partner that I enjoy with other people, I have no idea if I would enjoy it with them. I am different with different people and my limits and sources of pleasure also change depending on the partner. The only way to find out is to try.

So if I ever get to tie with you, it is not because you do Naka or Kanna or Yoroi style, not because you can execute one or another crazy transition and not because you tied that or another person. It is because there is something about you that makes me want to experience the things that you might have in mind for me. Or rather because I feel that you might have something in mind for me. It's because you made me curious about the taste of the mixture of our personalities. Because I think that it might be a taste that I've never had before. And you haven't either. And I'm dying to see if we are going to like it.

Going through a rope injury-induced existential crisis

What was bound to happen, has happened. I got injured when doing rope. It’s not your typical wrist drop, but some weird strain of the muscles in my shoulder, which in turn compresses my nerves. At least that is what the physiotherapist told me. The technicalities are beside the point of this writing though (although I do realize that it is an interesting topic in itself). What I want to talk about is how it makes me feel, because writing about stuff usually helps me get over it and in this case getting over it is highly advisable as I am going a bit crazy.

I feel like my body is betraying me

Rope makes you feel invincible in a way. When you get out of a difficult position that you’ve been able to sustain for much longer than you thought you would, you feel amazing. You feel strong and empowered. You feel like you can take anything.

The truth is that you don’t. Even if your mind doesn’t have limitations, your body certainly does. Right now I am feeling its fragility very acutely. And I hate it. I hate it because I feel stupid and incompetent. I feel like the injury is my failure. How could I not have felt it happening? How could I push myself beyond my limits? And why do I have limits? Why can’t I be able to just take anything that is thrown at me?

I have a strong and intimate relationship with my body. I love moving it and feeling it move. I love all the sensations that it is able to provide me with. I love using it to become stronger. I love yoga and dancing. I love to exercise and to feel my muscles working. And right now it is all gone.

I put it all on standby because currently, I feel like I don’t know my body at all. It’s like when you’ve been in a relationship with someone that you trusted for a really long time and suddenly that person betrays your trust. You start to doubt everything they do. I feel the same about my body now. And it is killing me.

I feel like I am betraying my body

On the other hand, my body is just a tool. It is me who commands it and I am aware that I haven’t taken good care of it. I wasn’t listening enough to it. I missed it’s crying for help. And the injury is the result of it.

And even now, although what I should be doing is taking care of it and tending to it, so that it can recover properly, I can’t get myself to do it. I don’t accept the injury. I am just waiting for it to be over, but I can’t get to love my body in this state. I can only love it when it is in perfect shape, otherwise, it’s a nuisance that I have to put up with. Which is the case at this moment.

I realize that it is a betrayal on my side. I shouldn’t be so harsh to it. I should love it for better and for worse. I should cherish it for the fact that it allowed me to do such crazy things as rope bondage for so long. And I should accept and love it also when it is not perfect. Also when it needs me, not only when I am needing it. But I just… don't.

I am afraid that I will never be able to tie again in the same way as I used to

And should I even? Isn’t doing rope bondage the way that I do it essentially an assault on my poor body? Is it a loving thing to do at all? Can I do it in a way that will not cause another injury at some point? And if I think I can’t, should I get back to it?

These are scary questions because I realize that I don’t want to stop doing rope. And I won’t. But at the same time, I don’t know if I will be able to feel loving towards myself and doing rope at the same time.
I definitely have self-destructive tendencies and I am hoping that kink and rope are a safe way to unwind them without being really self-destructive. But is it really true?

Lately, I've been trying to push myself less and to be more accepting of myself in general. And I am not sure if doing rope is really helping me with that. Or if doing it is just tending to my old overly critical and striving for perfection self.

On the other hand, maybe indeed I won’t be tying in the same way and it is good. Maybe I will start to listen to myself more. Maybe next time I will say stop before it is too late. Maybe I will become a tiny bit more cautious and I will be able to balance a bit better the need to push with pulling out when I need to.
The only thing that I really hope for is that I won’t lose my ability to let go and give myself completely to the experience. Because that would kill my modelling.

I am afraid that people won’t want to tie with me anymore

This is another thing that really worries me. Because I feel like I failed as a bottom for letting myself to be pushed too far. And why would anybody want to tie with a bottom who is a failure? Am I unsafe to play with? Will they trust me that next time I won’t let them injure me?

I do realize that the above worries are a bit overdrawn. People make mistakes and I am a person. It wasn’t only me who is responsible for the injury and with this reasoning I should also not want to tie with the rope top who caused it, which is definitely not the case. I don’t blame them and I see it as an accident and a lesson to be learned from. That's when I look at it from their perspective. When I look at it from my perspective, though, I feel like it was an ultimate failure proving that I am incompetent and risky.

Additionally, I am worried that I will become more cautious and because of that less fun to tie with. I know that caring for my safety is important and calling for the position to be changed or for the scene to end is nothing to be ashamed of. My rational mind knows it. My feelings, though, tell me something different in such situations. They tell me that I am spoiling the fun and that I am a disappointment. And that if I will want to quit, my rigger will find someone else who doesn’t and therefore is more fun to be around. I know that only an asshole person would do something like that and if they do, I probably shouldn’t tie with them at all. But still, my irrational worry is there to entertain my thoughts.

Doing mild things doesn’t satisfy me

My injury is only in my left arm, so I actually could still do many things in rope. I could practice leg ties with people, do mild floorwork, maybe even some suspensions as long as they don’t involve my arm.

It doesn’t satisfy me at all, though.

And here is where my perfectionism comes into play. Because I don’t want to be limited in any way. If I and my rigger can’t do everything that we might feel like doing, then I don’t want to do anything at all. I can either do all kinds of ties or none. There is nothing in between for me that I would find even mildly satisfying. If I can’t let go completely (and currently I can’t because of my condition) I don’t want to tie at all.
Additionally, I don’t want my rigger to have to adjust to my condition. Why should they? Why would they want to tie with broken me anyway when they have hoards of fit models that could do much better than me?

I know that in the reasoning above I miss the part that people who tie with me want to tie with me and not just tie a body. So they might be perfectly ok with tending to my limitations as long as we are doing something together. To me, it feels like I am failing them, though, and ruining their experience because of my limitations. And that they must be doing a favour to me by still wanting to tie, but they definitely are doing it out of pity and they aren't enjoying it.

On the other hand, maybe it is ok if I don’t want to tie until I am perfectly fit. If I feel like I am not able to enjoy it if I can’t let go fully then why should I force it? My way of bottoming is very intense and immersive and if I won’t be getting that intensity because of the injury, maybe it is better just to wait and get back to it on my terms.

I can’t come up with something that I could do that would make me feel like I am still developing even though I am not actively being tied

So here I am, rope-deprived, watching all the rope pictures passing by online and thinking about the times when I was in one of those positions. Wondering, when will I be back? Being envious of all the models with their healthy bodies developing their skills, while I am getting rusty and out of shape.

Since I started rope, I have been on a spree of self-discovery. Basically each session would teach me something new and exciting about myself, my body, rope or the connection with my partners. I’ve been tying 2-3 times every week (at least), I’ve been taking workshops and starting to teach myself. I’ve been tying with amazing people.

I felt like I am on a path of discovering what rope bottoming is for me and what can I bring to the table as a model. I’ve been beginning to feel empowered and like I am getting my own voice in rope. And now it all stopped. I haven’t had a proper rope experience for weeks now and I don’t feel like lab time and dry practice is teaching me anything in the realm that I am interested in. I feel stuck and I don’t know what to do about it.

Maybe it is one of the most important experiences that I’ve had in rope so far, though?

Falling in love for the first time is easy. You jump headfirst into the experience, oblivious to the possible consequences in the shape of disappointment and heartbreak that might be awaiting you. You immerse yourself fully in the feeling of infatuation, every second spent with your lover feeling like a blessing.

This is how my relationship with rope has been until now. It’s an amazing experience, but it doesn’t last forever. Sooner or later things get tougher, you break up or you go through a crisis. Sooner or later you get hurt by the person you love. And, ironically, it is often those moments that shape you the most. It is those moments when you gain the perspective and understanding, which in the end allow you to go even deeper. If you dare.

So who knows? Maybe it is one of the most important lessons that I am going to learn about rope. Being outside of rope. I can’t tell right now, because I am still in the middle of it, but I feel that it might be. Because so far things have been too easy for me. And ease is never a good teacher. Right now I definitely am in a sort of a crisis, which I hope is going to make me understand what I am doing in rope even better.
To me, there is much more meaning in opening up to someone, after you’ve been hurt. It’s a proof of courage and strength if you are able to open up your heart over and over again, despite knowing how it might end up.

Of course, each time it happens, you become wiser. Hopefully, you learn from your mistakes and you get to know yourself better and chose your partners wiser. But still, love is uncertain and the risk of heartbreak is always there. You either accept it and open yourself up to experience love fully again or you close and deprive yourself of that amazing feeling, but also prevent the possible heartbreak.

In relationships, I’ve always chosen for the first option. And I feel that in rope it will be the same. In time I will tie again and I will give myself fully again. Maybe, in the beginning, I will be a bit more cautious. And maybe I will learn that it is ok to be. And that my riggers still want to tie with me despite it. Or maybe because of it? Because they will be able to trust me even more? Who knows? Only time will tell.