My sacrifice is a solitary space

Photo by theurbanchange.

I’ve been thinking recently about my ways to receive ropes. I say ways because they are different depending on who I tie with, my mood, their mood, the dynamics between us in that particular moment, the style that we tie in and many other factors. There are certain experiences that I crave and seek more than others, however. One of them is the feeling of sacrificing myself for the rigger. 

It happens especially in slow scenes full of suffering. The kind of scenes where the ropes are deeply torturous and I am given a lot of space to contemplate it. When I have time to sit with my agony and let it sink in. To digest it and let it transform me. These are the kind of scenes that require a lot from me. A lot of focus. A lot of energy. A lot of sacrifices. And these are the kind of scenes that I crave deeply. 

At the same time, these are not states that I take lightly. These are not things that I would do with anybody. To go that far and that deep, I need to be determined. I need to set myself on a road of no return. I need to make a conscious decision to transgress my limits because only there the real torment happens. Only when the pain and effort are beyond what I would willingly take, the ritual of my sacrifice can take over. 

It might seem like a beautiful and intimate act. That sacrifice. An act that is bringing me and my rigger together. An act that they should marvel over and appreciate me for. That would make me beautiful and precious in their eyes. This is not what I seek through my actions, however. I don’t seek connection. I do not do this for my rigger to see and appreciate me at this moment. I do it because I want to be in this very special space and sacrificing myself for them brings me there. 

What I am looking for is a solitary journey leading to a total resignation. A lonely path paved with pain and suffering slowly wearing off the joy and lightness from my stride. I am looking for the ultimate torment that will put the light out of my eyes. But I can’t get there if I have a companion on that journey. Because only solitary wanderers can reach that place.

I was teaching a workshop about kinbaku recently and explaining how being tied in a TK is the most important element of the session for me as it is the moment when I'm readying myself for what's about to happen. One of the participants after observing me in a demo said that it seems to them as if I'm very much on my own at that moment. That I've said that I do it for my rigger, but it seems as if I don't pay attention or connect to the rigger. As if I'm all focused inwards and on myself.

And I think that it's true what they've said. Indeed, my sacrifice is for the rigger but not with the rigger. I decide to do it for them because I want them to be able to use my body for what they've envisioned. Because I want them to enjoy the total control over my faith that they have at this moment. I want them to use and enjoy my gift. But I am not seeking to participate in their joy in any way. Even if they appreciate me at that moment, I'm not seeking to feel that appreciation. Because at that moment, I'm thickly covered in a veil of torment and I don't want it to be taken off and the light to be let in.

So I want my rigger to put me through the worst possible ordeal, bring me to the brink of my sanity and to leave me alone in there to suffer. It seems like you would have to be a heartless person to do such a thing. Yet, I see it differently. To me, letting me be with it alone is an act of trust and respect. Allowing me to deal with the experience that they are putting me through on my own shows to me that they believe in me and understand me. That they are able to receive the gift of my sacrifice. That they are able to hold it and will not bend under the weight of it. 

Having said that, it's not as if I demand that disconnection from my riggers. They are still the ones who lead the scene and decide where we are going. And if they decide that they want to be close to me and support me, they will and I will open up to them and appreciate it. It will ease my torture and allow me to feel deeply intimate with them. That feeling of being seen and for my suffering being witnessed is something powerful and beautiful to experience as well.  

But if they want to give me the space to be lonely in my sacrifice, I'll take it. If they're willing to take on these separate yet inseparably intertwined journeys, I'm here to join. It is a special act to participate in, being so close and at the same time so far away. This moment when each of you is feeding on the other's experiences, yet you know that in the end, you yourself are the only one who is the recipient of it. That you are completely alone in what you're going through, yet if it wasn't for the other person you would never have gotten there. 

I believe that at that moment the rigger is going through something similar. And I want them to be able to appreciate it fully without having to pay attention to what I'm experiencing. I want them to bathe in the solitude of power that they have over me as much as I am bathing in the solitude of my sacrifice. I want us to dance a dance of giving and taking, of yielding and control, of power and helplessness and get lost in it. Not seeing a human in our partners anymore, but a force, an idea, a space that is acting upon you and you're acting upon it. It is a solitary place to be in, yet being let in there by someone and meeting them again on the other side is one of the most intimate acts that one can share.

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So, apparently I've taught myself how to feel

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Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.3 The most important question