On being tied in ‘Naka style’ by Naka-san

Photo by anonymous.

Have you ever been in the middle of something when you realised that it’s your dream coming true, only you didn’t even know you had such a dream? It happened to me. And it made me cry in ropes for the first time. 

The pandemic dust was settling slowly and more rope events were happening in Europe again, including visits by foreign teachers. One of them (considered by many to be the one) was Naka Akira-sensei whom Kinbaku Lounge in Copenhagen invited to give a workshop in October last year. On an evening before the workshop there was a ‘Semenawa kinbaku kenyukai’, modelling those that Naka-san organises in Japan. I decided to go even though I could not participate in the workshop (it was meant for people who have not learned from Naka-san before). In fact, seeing Naka-san tie Iroha-san and another model live seemed even more interesting than the workshop. I bought the ticket and waited impatiently for the day of the event.

To my surprise, a couple of weeks later I got a call from Namarie from Kinbaku Lounge asking me to be the other model at the event. At first, I could not believe it. “Me? A model of Naka-san?” He was one of my most important teachers and a Master completely out of reach. “Could this be true? Do I have anything to offer to him as a model?” It seemed that Namarie and Scott believed I did (and I will be forever grateful for it). I needed a day to sober up and to think about it but in the end I said “yes”. I don't think I could live with a peace of mind if I had given a different answer. Even though the thought of being tied by Naka-san in front of a crowd of strangers made me slightly nauseous. 

The day of the event was hectic. In the morning I flew from Berlin to Copenhagen (straight from another rope event, Eurix), picked up the keys to my weekend apartment, dropped the bags and rushed to the Kinbaku Lounge. And after a short city train ride, I stood eye to eye with living legends of kinbaku, Naka Akira sensei and Iroha-san (I know they don’t like to be called that but the truth is they are living legends). We exchanged pleasantries and were supposed to talk about the upcoming session but, I think, we both didn’t know where to start. There was so much to say and so little time that we both decided not to say much, stick to the basics, and see what would happen. He asked me if I was aware that his style of rope was erotic and how flexible I was. I said I was aware and alright with it and that I was relatively flexible. I showed him the dress I was planning to wear and he said he liked it because it had buttons going all the way down. He asked me if I would wear panties and I said yes, black ones. He said I could wear any colour I wanted. 

The moment he invited me on stage to kneel in front of him, I finally understood what was happening. I also realised that no matter how many pictures and videos of his rope I’ve seen and no matter that I did a workshop with him and Iroha-san and had seen them perform, he was a stranger to me. And there was no reason why I should submit to him. I didn’t know if I wanted to ‘be his’. And to me this is what happens when you let someone tie you. You belong to that person, even if for a short while. 

I was not sure how this session was going to go. The truth was that in the last months, or even years, I’d been going through a transformation and that transformation was not finished yet. If this session was happening a couple of months ago, I’d sit down in front of him, ready to give him everything right from the start. But not anymore. Yes, I was going to do what was necessary to make it worthwhile for the people who bought the tickets because I was a professional in some way, but would I give him all I had? That was undecided.

The first rope of the TK was uncertain, searching. I was sweaty and uncomfortable and the swarm of thoughts in my head was not helping. ”Am I behaving the way he thought I would? Will I be able to survive what he’ll tie? What am I doing here? Am I going to deliver an experience that Namarie and Scott were hoping for?” I think that Naka-san felt this uncertainty too. We were both a bit shy, insecure. The question “Is the other going to like what I have to offer?” was going through both our heads, it seemed. And we didn’t know the answers yet. One thing was sure, though, I liked him being close to me. I didn’t feel uncomfortable when he sat right behind me and extended his ropes around me, almost like an embrace. It felt good.

He tied the first rope, broke my seiza and displayed me to the audience talking about how for him each rope was a finished image. Each rope mattered. I was not sure what I was supposed to do at that time so I decided to just be there and react to what was happening with as much honesty as I could muster. In fact, it was the least and the only thing I could do. 

Photo by anonymous.

From then on my memories get a bit blurry. There was a second rope of a TK and being displayed again. There was a slow unbuttoning of my dress and Naka-san saying he enjoyed it because there were so many buttons. He did not want to reach his goal as soon as possible. He savoured the process, peeling my layers off slowly. The unbuttoning made me feel wanted which made me feel shy which made me turn my head away as I often do. Was it real shame or was I flirting with him? I still don’t know until today. The mysteries of my unconscious are mysteries to me as well. 

Then there was a moment, still on the floor but after an upline already supported me from above, when he opened my legs and started tying a harness around my thighs and hips, the one in which you put the rope very high around the thighs, almost in the groin, and which was always painful to me because the insides of my legs are hyper-sensitive. I remember thinking that it was going to be difficult if he was going to use it in a suspension, even though he probably thought it would make things easier because it provided additional support. But I didn't say anything. I was there to experience what was there to experience and the only shadow of influence I allowed myself was to express how I was affected by it. But whether he would be able to read and respond to it, we could not know yet.

But then he attached the hip rope to the TK in such a way that I arched my back and sat up straight and that was the first surprise. I was trying to hide by arching my back and hanging into the TK and he made me display myself. I didn’t expect that. I felt exposed but also seen. I felt toyed with and I liked it. Up until now, the session was rather objectifying but this was the first time I felt that it was not about objectification at all. Naka-san was trying to get to know me. And it seemed like he was starting to get at something. 

Things continue to be blurry from that moment on. There was a futomomo and at some point I was up in the air. There was also a third rope on my chest. And another futomomo. And a lot of rope around my wrists which was biting into my lower arm and reminding me that what we were doing was dangerous. I was 60% certain I wouldn’t get injured so I went with it because I didn’t want his torture to stop. There was a moment when I was hanging upside down from two futomomos and a waistline with my legs spread open and I felt like I was about to be sacrificed or like I was being punished for something horrible I’d done, my breasts revealed bare, my image must have been a mixture of erotic and miserable, one enhanced by the other. 

Photo by anonymous.

As I was hanging there, I thought it was about to be over. I thought that it was the final dramatic position and I was about to go down and get that sweet feeling of “it’s all over now” and “you are ok now” and to bask in the memories of what I went through. Only it wasn’t. In fact, what happened at that moment felt more like a beginning. And that was a second surprise. I can’t tell why but I think that it was only then when Naka-san started to tie me for real. I don’t know if it was because I became completely open and bare or because he got out of his patterns and his creativity began to really flow. 

All I know is that when he pulled my TK up and when I ended up in something like a gyaku-ebi (only it was not a gyaku-ebi because the rope around my lower back was preventing me from bending so I was basically just spread open in all directions), something left me and something entered me. And when he lay down under me to have a look at what he did, I couldn’t help the tears falling. I still don’t know why. I never cry in ropes but with this man I did. And it’s not because he was the meanest or the most ruthless of them all. There was not one thing he did to me that somewhere deep inside of me I didn’t want. And it was so vulnerable to know that he knows. 

I’m not trying to make this experience spiritual. Let’s face it, I was exposed and erotically tortured in front of a crowd of people by a perverted older man. And I liked it. It was not about god but about sex. But it was exactly the realisation that this perverted sexual experience was what I wanted and he could see it that made me feel so vulnerable. There was no escape from it because there I was, hanging exposed, with one of my arms losing feeling and yet I didn’t say stop. I didn’t say I wanted out. I let him go on, past anything I’d thought was reasonable, because this was exactly who I was. And he was in it with me.

In the past I wrote about Japanese rope being objectifying and I must say I might have been wrong. Yes, what Naka-san did to me was objectifying but only if I imagined how it must have looked from the outside. Apart from the first part of the scene when he was tying me and talking to the audience I did not feel objectified. Yes, he was exposing and enjoying my body but, somehow, the entire time I felt we were in this together. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t human to him. On the contrary, my humanity seemed to be the most interesting part of me to him. 

A friend of mine who saw this session said that it was like watching our first couple of dates unfold fast-forward right in front of their eyes. And I believe it. It certainly felt like we got to know each other even though we barely talked. I guess the way you get to know someone when they put you through misery which they know you crave creates an understanding that is deeper than words. 

One thing we know for sure after that evening. We are both perverts. And we are not afraid to show it.

Musings on kinbaku appreciation, art, crafts, and beauty in ropes

Photo by Dolph Vex.

Apart from being a rope model I am also a kinbaku appreciator. Or rather, I am on a path of becoming one as I don’t think I have obtained this skill yet. Just as with any skill, understanding and enjoying kinbaku requires effort and dedication. And the more work you put into it, the more subtle pleasures you will be able to derive from it. 

The path to becoming a kinbaku appreciator is not only through knowledge, even though knowing the history, the important masters and their styles and how they evolved adds to one’s experiences. But what I think is even more important than knowledge is a practice of differentiating between what you find beautiful and what you don’t. In an amazing book by a Japanese pottery master, Soetsu Yanagi, “The Unknown Craftsman”* he says about appreciating beauty: “First, put aside the desire to judge immediately; acquire the habit of just looking. Second, do not treat the object as an object for the intellect. Third, just be ready to perceive, passively, without interposing yourself.” In that way you learn how to ‘feel’ beauty instead of trying to rationalise it. Similar ideas were also prominent in other books on traditional Japanese aesthetics**, *** that I’ve read and in my view they are strongly related to the ideas of living itself being an art that comes from Zen Buddhism and that are very close to my heart. 

The relationship between the artist and the viewer in traditional Japanese arts is usually more equal than in the West. For the Japanese thinkers, an audience perceiving an art piece does not just passively receive what the artist has to show but rather actively co-creates the experience. The audience is an intrinsic part of the work of art they perceive. In the words of Kakuzo Okakura**: “The sympathetic communion of minds necessary for art appreciation must be based on mutual concession. The spectator must cultivate the proper attitude for receiving the message, as the artist must know how to impart it.” In that spirit I watch kinbaku and I train my senses to perceive more of its nuances. Also, I observe what is appreciated by people who are more knowledgeable than I am to learn to feel what makes it such. Not to parrot or rationally understand them but to feel what they feel when they look at something beautiful. I am not saying that you *need* to look at kinbaku in Japanese way in order to appreciate it fully. I am inspired by it because I find these ideas appealing also outside of the kinbaku setting, practising Zen Buddhism and learning about it’s philosophy. Applying it to my passion is a natural consequence. 

I’ve been talking about art the entire time so far but should we even call kinbaku an art? 

I think ‘yes’ and ‘no’ depending on how we want to look at it. In “The Unknown Craftsman” Yanagi makes a distinction between art and crafts. He says that art is something to look at, something torn away from everyday life, while crafts create things for everyday use, such as clothes, furniture and pottery. In light of these definitions kinbaku to me is a craft. It is a skill of using ropes in order to make people suffer, for erotic pleasure, or other purposes that one would use bondage for. It has an aim, it is not done for the sake of tying only. Or rather, it can be but the beauty of it comes from its use. Yanagi says that the beauty in crafts is the “beauty that is identified with use. It is beauty born of use. Apart from use there is no beauty of craft. Therefore, things made that do not stand up to use or that ignore utility can barely be expected to contain this kind of beauty.” He also talks about the fact that “individualistic beauty”, which is created by artists is lower than the beauty that transcends the individual, which you find in crafts. 

To me, even the most beautiful rope work done only for the sake of showcasing the skill of the rigger or the model lacks that “something”, that naturalness which would be there if it was created to be used. That is also, I believe, why the works of Norio Sugiura are so powerful. He is using rope and his subjects for something more than simply tying a shape, and he suggests that something in his photography. Even though his pictures are full of rope, they are never about the rope. And they are also never about the model. They are about creating an image that will satisfy perverted onlooker’s dark fantasies. They are about telling a story that will excite our imagination. They are using rope in such a way that they make one think about what will happen next and what has happened before. The beauty of rope in them is a necessary element but not a goal by itself. And that is what I often miss in other rope photographs or rope performances. Very often they are about showcasing beautiful pieces of rope work but not about “using” what the rigger has just created and because of that they end up being empty. By using I mean - torturing the model, using them for their pleasure, or even simply enjoying their work; not tying in order to stroke their or their model’s ego but in order to put a human being in a position of distress and helplessness because it is something they enjoy seeing. 

Of course, rope bondage can (and does) have other purposes than putting someone in distress or using them for rigger’s pleasure but to me those can often be artificial and not logical, like using a knife to caress your lover. Sure, if you do it very delicately, it might even be pleasurable. But why use a tool for a purpose it was not created for and discard its inherent properties? To me, tying people up for purposes other than mentioned before lacks the “naturalness” that in traditional Japanese arts defines things that are beautiful. It’s a matter of taste. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with using rope to worship the model, to give them love or appreciation, or to show off your skills, it’s just that I don’t find it beautiful. To me, the whole point of tying someone up (also when it is done for their pleasure) is about tearing something out of them, cracking up their shiny surfaces, getting under their skin (which might also be a kind of worship or appreciation, I admit). And if I don’t see rope being used for that, I just can’t see the beauty in it in the meaning of ‘beautiful kinbaku’. I can still find it interesting and even derive some aesthetic pleasure from it but it will not have the depth I am looking for. Again, as master Yanagi says, “The deepest beauty is suggestive of infinite potentiality rather than being merely explanatory. (...) All works of art, it may be said, are more beautiful when they suggest something beyond themselves than when they end up being merely what they are.” To me in kinbaku, that beautiful something is what you tear out of the model against their will, and what seeing that does to the onlooker. 

Coming back to the topic of art vs. craft, in my opinion a complex craft elevated to such perfection as kinbaku sometimes is, can be called art. Art, to me, is a form that transcends its use. Something that makes me think and feel beyond what I am looking at. That transforms me into a different realm, that moves me. I think that kinbaku has all these components when performed skilfully (both in terms of skills of the rigger and of the model). But it is a different kind of art. It is not an individualistic art in which the creator is showing off themselves or trying to tell us something. It is an art just because of the sheer amount of skill and sophistication that goes into performing it but it is up to the audience to recognise it. It is art because it elevates something as lowly as torture and sexual exploitation to a spectacle that you can’t take your eyes away from. This is what makes it ‘bigger than life’, which to me is what art is about. 

Apart from the high-level beauty coming from use, there is also a more fine level of beauty in kinbaku, the beauty of the tie itself, of the position of the body of the model and of the actual rope work. Just as in the tea ceremony, there is the ephemeral beauty of the moment and the communion with other people who participate in the event, and there is also the more physical beauty of the utensils, the subtle decoration of the room and the elegant movements of the tea master. And that physical beauty can be more easily defined by what we humans conventionally find aesthetically pleasing, even though it also becomes less straightforward once we develop sophisticated ways of looking at things. 

Recently, because of a strained shoulder I avoided being tied in a TK and ended up being tied in a strappado a lot. It was an interesting exercise, because it made me and my partner, Asiana, look at familiar ties from new angles. One of our discoveries was that it seemed like pretty much everything that she tied looked better with a strappado. But we couldn’t figure out why. At that time we were tying on a single point and a lot of ties we did were kind of crunched or on the contrary, spreading me open, and they were not making me appear very graceful. It was interesting to see how combined with a strappado each of these positions felt more elegant and also looked more conventionally beautiful in the pictures that Asiana showed me. Later, we switched to bamboo again and she tied me in a ‘classic’ S-shape. Getting out of it, I was amazed by how much easier it was for me to take it, partly because I felt graceful and beautiful in it. Then I realised that in general many ties from Naka style make me feel this way and are often easier to handle than ties from other styles. I was trying to figure out what it is that makes them so graceful I have a theory - long lines and smooth arches. 

In another book that I’ve read recently, “A Guide to Better Movement”, the author, Todd Hargrove, says “There is something about a large range of motion that is pleasing to the eye, and this is why dancers and gymnasts get into the splits a lot.” He also says that in “graceful movements, even small subtle movements, affect the whole body.” and he mentions that efficient movement is perceived by humans as more beautiful and that “we can identify efficient movement by looking for arches and not angles. (...) sharp angles followed by flat lines is a sign of weakness, whereas smooth arches indicate strength.“ And in positions that I feel the most graceful and beautiful in my body is often shaped in long smooth arches. That was exactly the effect that strappado had on the ties on a single point because it was adding a long arched line of my arms to it, creating elongation where normally only short and jagged shapes would be present. 

But, there is the beauty that is “easy to see” and there is the one that needs more effort to be noticed. Many ties on a bamboo, especially the ones stretching and twisting the model, are conventionally beautiful in the sense that I have just described, they shape the body into smooth arched shapes. Also, because bamboo makes the shape rather two-dimensional (even though striving for three-dimensionality in a tie usually adds to its beauty), it is much easier to create with it something that looks good on a picture. While, when it comes to a single point, the positions lose a lot when they are shown only from one angle. In that sense, bamboo seems to make the rope work more like a painting, while the single point is more like a sculpture. That is not to say that one is better than the other, but that they are different media and that influences how they look but also my experience as a model. Both me and Asiana do not find the ties on a bamboo more beautiful than on a single point but we do recognise that they show different aspects of me and of our interaction. While the first one is often graceful, elegant and pleasant to look at and it usually leaves me feeling cathartically ‘reborn’, the other is twisted, ungraceful and struggle-inducing and through that it shows my human beauty in it’s more obscure aspects. 

There is a lot of beauty to be found in kinbaku, both as a practitioner and as a spectator. There is the simple and straightforward and the deep and obscure. There are ties that look almost the same but are completely different because of a small detail of historic significance. There are ties that are visually beautiful and those in which the beauty is in the emotions of the model. There is beauty in rope photography, beauty in rope videos, in performances and in private sessions. And the more I practice it, the more I read and study, the more beauty I find in the most unexpected places. My personal need to learn how to appreciate kinbaku is not coming from a need to be more sophisticated or ‘better’ than someone else but from the respect that I have for this amazing craft (art) and the people who devote themselves to learning it. I want to give justice to the effort they’ve put into their mastery. I want to fully appreciate what my riggers give me when they tie me and what I see when I watch performers on stage or in pictures. And to do that, I need to develop my own taste for beauty in kinbaku. Because liking everything is like liking nothing. And I want to be a receiver and an audience that is worth creating for. 

Bibliography:

* Soetsu Yanagi, “The Unknown Craftsman”

** Kakuzo Okakura, “The Book of Tea”

*** A. Minh Nguyen “New Essays in Japanese aesthetics”

**** Todd Hargrove “The Guide to Better Movement”

An even game

He was a man made of shadow, of mist. It was so hard to pin him down, find out at least one fact about him, that he seemed almost like a ghost to her. Each question he answered raised ten additional ones but with no chance for a follow-up. And the harder he was to grasp, the more desperate she was to uncover his truth. In the end, she was a mathematician and throughout her life unsolvable equations were what was keeping her up at night. And recently, it was his countless unknown variables that were depriving her of her sleep.

At the same time, there was nothing more straightforward, nothing more clear-cut and undeniable than the look in his cold eyes telling her “you are mine”. At that sight, she knew that she would give him everything, even if he didn’t reveal any of his secrets to her. She belonged to him, even though she was not even sure if he was real. She was, however, and she was his. It was as obvious as a lipstick imprint on a wine glass.

To him, there was nothing mysterious about her, even though they have only just met a couple of times. He could, however, already see through her like through a piece of cellophane. He could read every thought and emotion on her face as if she was writing it for him on paper. Maybe even clearer. Her expressions could tell him what she herself was not even aware of. Of course, he didn’t know many details about her life yet but it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he could know them if he wanted to. And he already knew most of the things that interested him.

Even though she was so easy to read, she was not a simple girl. On the contrary - she seemed like a rather complex person. The depths of despair that she was capable of reaching and the ease with which she could go there and then come back were rather impressive. She wanted to be destroyed and she wanted to be broken. The role of the victim was what she was auditioning for. And that was what he found so challenging and fascinating about her at the same time.

It was one thing to break a submissive who was devoted to him out of love, to make her suffer in the name of her feelings and use her devotion against her to satisfy his cruelty. It was entirely another to make one who actually wants to be broken regret her desires, to give her what she wants and then put a mirror in front of her and make her realise what it made of her - despicable, low creature, something less than a human. And then - make her want to be a human again. Oh no - that was an entirely different endeavour. One that he hasn't embarked on with anyone before. And he could feel that with her it was going to be a delight. Even without, or maybe especially, without her knowing.

Of course, she was not aware of his thinking. But she could sense that what he had in mind for her was not going to be pleasant. She could sense that he was not simply going to play according to her rules. He was not going to break her as in her beloved psychodramas, while she would stay the director. Oh no. He was actually going to break her, she felt. And that feeling made her paralysed with fear and desire. He was not an evil man but he was a man who had read her mind. And the fact that he was still here after having done that was alarming. No sane person would stay after seeing what lived inside her head. Yet here he was.

Should she run? Stupid question. Of course that she should run but it was already too late for that. Both he and she have smelled her blood.

To be continued…

I’m yours before you even begin to want it

It was enough to see that calculating look on your face for me to open up to you like a vault opens up to its rightful owner. The moment you looked at me the way a hunter looks at his prey - already dividing its dead carcass in his mind’s eye - I was yours. You could have thought that it took us two dates for you to have me (not particularly long). But it’s not true. It was a 30 seconds gaze. That’s all. Topped off with your cold, disinterested touch, it was a mixture that hit me in all the right places. During our next meeting, I was crawling for you on the floor and licking your feet. Apologising for a mistake that I didn't even make. Only to proceed later to worship your entire body, kissing and licking each (and every) of its parts.

It’s hard to explain what is happening to me in moments like that. People say that men think with their penises. I guess that you could say that in those moments I think with my cunt. Yet it’s not exactly that. Yes, it arouses me to be humiliated and objectified but not in a way that I imagine ‘normal’ people get aroused. Sometimes my pussy gets wet when it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. It doesn't really matter. My goal in those moments is not for my cunt to be filled. Even if I plead for it, what I want the most is for it to be denied to me. I get off on the fact of being emotionally abused, not on the pleasure of sex. It’s as if I have a second pussy in my brain. A pussy which gets pleasure from hurt and terror. A pussy which gets soaking wet when I am degraded or rejected. And it’s exactly that one that takes over when I meet a man who looks at me the way you did.  

I can imagine that it might make some people uncomfortable. The speed with which I give myself to those who I feel might give me what I desire is close to that of light. I’m greedy. And there are not many people who have the things that I am greedy for. So when I meet someone who might - I take my chances.

At the same time, what other people see at sex, I often see as a small talk. I do not feel like we have fucked until you have left me a sobbing mess on the floor. I do not feel like I have had you in me until my stomach gets twisted at the smallest twitch on your face. Everything that happens before is an appetizer. Something to arouse our appetites before the main course. Or not even that - a snack before the meal itself.  

There is another reason why I am behaving the way I do, I believe. I think that I also do it to establish our dynamic before you have had the chance to start to care about me. I put myself below you, take off the veil of mystery and show all of my most miserable pieces to make sure that you won’t fall in love with me. I demystify myself so that I can keep your mystery. I make myself available so that you will lose interest in me. To make sure that there will be nothing that might prevent you from treating me the way I desire to be treated.

I don’t lust after romance. I don’t want a relationship. All I want is to be played with and deserted. I want to experience all the shades of emotional pain one can imagine. I want to taste all the flavours of dirt there are in the world. I want to be a punching bag for you. I want to be despicable so that you lose all your barriers with me. So that you are ready to treat me like you have never treated anyone before. And so that you don’t regret it.

I guess that you could see it as an objectification. I objectify my partners to play the role that I envisioned for them. That role and nothing else. You could also see it as manipulation. I behave a certain way in a hope that they will behave the way I want them to as a result. And maybe you are right. Maybe I do objectify and manipulate my partners to a certain extent. The same way as I would objectify and manipulate a romantic partner or a friend to get love or friendship from them. People want things from each other. In any kind of relationship. It’s a give and take.

Or is it? To be honest, I am not sure. I would like to believe that my partners are much more to me than the things I get from them. If I devote myself from someone, I do not expect anything in return. I am capable of spending weeks without an orgasm, months without seeing them and I have a strong belief that my devotion can easily last till the end of my days even if I would never see them again. This is my gift. The allowance to give it is in a way all that I need. 

I think that the important question when assessing my behaviour is whether I see them for who they are in the moment they are with me or am I trying to fit them into a mould that I had prepared earlier? Do I allow them to express their deepest selves with me? Or do I push them into treating me like I am treated in my fantasies? 

To be honest - I don’t know. I would like to believe the first one is true. I want my partners to be themselves with me. Even more - I want them to be with me the selves that they have never been before. I don’t want them to play roles with me. I want them to express their deepest desires. I want them to let themselves loose. I want them to stop hiding the parts of them that the society required them to keep at bay.

And for that, I need to communicate that I am harmless. I need to disarm myself from all the flirting and games so that they can see through me like through a sheet of cellophane. Only then will they allow themselves to relax with me. Only then will I become as predictable as a household object they’d own. Only if I lose all the human complexity will they be able to do to me what they fantasized about but would never dare to execute on someone they loved. 

And this is what I want to be for my partners. Is it worse than love? And who gets to say it is? Who gets to decide that being a caring girlfriend they could show off at family parties is more valuable than being their dirt mat with which they never have to hold back? Isn’t the fact that they can be with me whoever they want to be without having to care about how it affects me something special? I know that many people believe that you could be both. But in the way that I live BDSM - I doubt it. 

I don’t know if my behaviour is manipulation or simply communication. Devotion, suffering and dehumanization are what I have to offer when it comes to romance. I am fascinated by the dynamics of pain and fear that can arise between two people. Especially if they are tainted by sexual desire. Some people want to have children together. I want to have Stockholm syndrome. 

Better to know it sooner than later, I guess?

Rope gives meaning to my pain

Photo by A-Nicolas

I sometimes wonder, or get asked, why do I like to get tied. It is a difficult question to answer because I like it with different people for different reasons. I like to be under the power of dominant men and suffering in their ropes is a way to express my devotion to them. I like to feel helpless and abused and rope is a great tool for my partners to make me feel this way. I like to serve, to please people with my being. I like it when people enjoy me. 

I could go on and on about it. The reasons why I enjoy rope are ever-changing but they are always strong. Without a strong reason to be in ropes, I could not show up for my partners and this is one of the worst things, I believe, a model can do. To not show up for the scene. 

There is one reason, however, that is the strongest, deepest and most personal of all. It is so deeply ingrained in my being that I believe that, in some way, it always shows up, even if my partners use it in different ways. 

Rope bondage is my laboratory for investigating vulnerability. It is a place where I research my openness and where I look at how it behaves in case I get rejected, toyed with or when my vulnerability is used against me. Can I stay with my partner regardless? Can I bear it and keep on giving? 

It is quite easy to be open and vulnerable with the people who you know care about you. In the face of deep and honest love our hearts almost automatically open up. But what if you give yourself to someone and they take your gift, throw it to the ground and crush it with their feet? Will you retreat into yourself to start licking your wounds? Will you close yourself up to them? Or will you stay with your perpetrator, blood soaking from the wounds they gave you, but you still loving them with your entire aching heart? 

There are two ways in which one can approach hurting other people. One can hurt them because one stops seeing humans in them like it is in the case of torturers or soldiers during the war¹. They are trained to see the people they torture and kill as objects, as a means to a goal, a necessary damage. They don’t feel with those they hurt. They don’t empathize with them. They don’t feel the pain of their victims. One can also hurt someone while feeling with them. One can acknowledge they are in pain caused by oneself. One can see their pain, go through it with them and let it transform one as well. Akira Naka sensei once said that he is not a sadist, that when he hurts the model he feels with her, he feels her pain. I believe him and at the same time, I would not necessarily say that it means that he is not a sadist. I believe that many kinky sadists feel with the people they hurt. Just like masochists can be transformed through their own pain, sadists can be transformed through the pain of the other, the one who is suffering for them. But to be able to go through that, they need to see humans in the people they hurt.

When I am being hurt, I want to stay human for the one who gives me pain. I want to stay when they rage. I want to stay when they torture me. I don’t want to escape what they are doing to me. I don’t want to leave my body and go with my mind somewhere else. I want to stay for them just where they’ve put me. I want to hold space for them. I want to withstand their storm and meet them at the other end with my arms wide open. I want both of us to be transformed by what I am going through. They are making all that effort to hurt me, I don’t want it to be wasted on me hiding away. 

I can imagine that hurting people is not an easy thing to do. It must not be easy to allow oneself to act upon the dark urges that hide within oneself, to acknowledge them and let them be expressed. I appreciate it when my partners do. I appreciate their bravery in revealing who they are to me. And I want to show it to them by staying open to their actions, staying open to whatever process hurting me triggers in them, allowing them to explore the dark corners of their psyche, knowing that I am there with them, that I am receiving everything they have to give me and I will not leave them behind in their dark night. We will see the light at the end together. 

I have a history of being hurt by people whom I loved. I have been hurt by them over and over again and I was always coming back. Back then, because I didn’t have a choice. I had nowhere to go. But at the same time, I also didn’t want to leave them. I could see they were hurting as well. I could see how lost they were, unable to behave any different. I accepted that and I kept on loving them despite everything they did to me. Because the possibility of closing off and leaving them felt even more painful than whatever they were doing to me. 

Rope provides me with a contained ritual in which I can relieve those situations from my past. You could see it as unhealthy. You could say that I should learn how to get out of my unhealthy patterns and take better care of myself. But I think that its exactly what I am doing. In ropes, and in kink in general, I meet the most vulnerable, the most hidden parts of myself and I give them a voice so that I can finally see the beauty that hides inside of them. I can finally see the beauty that is in my pain. 

Kinbaku is a space where, instead of turning away from my uncomfortable experiences, I meet them with my attention and curiosity. Where I ‘see’ them and allow them to ‘play out’ without any censorship. So that I can learn how they operate. So that the most hidden aspects of me can finally see the daylight and become integrated into the image I have of myself. So that there is no part of me that I feel ashamed of.  A rope scene is a space where I meet my demons and where they invite the demons of my partners to dance. Through my pain. Through my suffering. Through my challenge, we both find peace with who we are. 

I could be bitter about the fact that it is always me who is hurt but I am not because it makes perfect sense. I’ve spent so much time in my life experiencing pain, investigating it, toying with it and turning it around that I am ideally positioned to be its receiver. Pain is my old friend. 

You could say that I am doomed but I would rather say that I am blessed. I get to explore the parts of human experience that not many people have entered and left sane. I get to be the gate for my partners to places they would never otherwise have reached. 

I am a necessary piece of a puzzle. A rarely visited but wildly beautiful garden. It might be scary to enter at first but I will guide through it the ones who have dared to visit it. Finally, there is meaning in my pain. 

¹ Scarry, Ellain. The Body in Pain: The Making and Unmaking of The World. Oxford UP, 1987.

The Stranger

Trigger warning: this story mentions rape.

In general, she didn’t reply to messages from strangers of the kind that he'd sent to her. And, to be honest, she had no idea what made her reply this time. Boredom? The lack of sexual excitement that has been permeating her life recently? An appetite for trying something new?

It was not like his message was anything original. 

“Hi, I find your profile intriguing and I will be visiting your city soon. Would you like to meet for a coffee or a drink?”

His profile was not that original either. He did seem like a successful dominant looking at the level of attractiveness of women in his pictures, and how willing they were to be used by him. But then, the pictures could always be fake. And even if not, that did not mean that he was the right person to dominate her. He did claim to like intelligent women which was a good thing. But then again, in the Western societies of the current times who doesn’t claim that?

There was nothing particularly special about him and yet still, she responded to his inquiry, positively. 

She didn’t want to know much about him before they would meet. In fact, she didn’t believe that it is possible to get a feeling of someone through an online conversation. So, she simply proposed for them to meet for a drink once he arrives in her city. She was generous, not having spent that much time lately on men and relationships, she decided to risk it.

He suggested meeting in a bar of his hotel at ten in the evening. It was quite a straightforward proposal and quite an expensive hotel. He definitely didn’t seem to feel like he needed to play games with her. And he was right. She loved playing games but not of this type. Keeping up the appearances of not being interested was not her strong point. It required a will to be on top that she didn’t possess in the slightest. At least not when it came to men and sex.

For their meeting, she decided to wear one of her favourite dresses, made of soft velvet in subdued colours, and high heeled lacquered shoes in a hue of young cherries. The dress was quite long, finishing a couple of centimetres below the knee and had no cleavage in front, the fabric ending right at the bottom of the neck. The design was loose and did not accentuate her athletic yet feminine body, but on the back, there was a long v-shaped opening which was almost reaching her waist. She did not wear a bra and an attentive eye could notice the sight of roundness of her big ripe breast in the opening under the right armpit. The dress was not obviously sexy. In fact, it was rather uninviting, hiding more than it was revealing. At the same time, what it was showing and how it was doing it could be deliciously stimulating to a person who cared to look beyond the obvious. She was curious if he was the kind of person who did. 

Traveling to his hotel she was daydreaming (or evening-dreaming, to be precise) about what was going to happen to her. The soundtrack of her journey (from one of her favourite movies with a delicious final scene of rejection where the main character, dressed up and fabulous, waits for hours in a restaurant for her long lost love who has contacted her recently to meet. In the last scene, she is sitting in the restaurant, ordering one aperitif after another, hoping to consume the main course accompanied by him. In vain.) made her fantasize of rejection. What if he didn’t show up? She took a leap of faith and agreed to his bold proposal of meeting so late at his hotel. She made all that effort dressing up way over the top according to the standards of her city and clearly showing her interest. What if this was the only thing that he wanted?

She had heard stories like that. Stories of call girls wasting their time, going to see clients who never showed up. They expected them to get off on seeing them arriving at the place. Those guys did not actually want to fuck them. They wanted to play at their expense. And maybe even punish them for whatever they felt like they should be punished.

She was not a call girl but at that moment she was close to feeling like one. And she liked the feeling. She liked to imagine herself selling her body for money. She felt like it would be the right way for her to make a living. She even investigated the technicalities of this line of work (that is how she heard the stories) but after hearing how much time and effort she would have to put into it, she decided that it was too much of investment simply to have her desires of being used fulfilled. There were other, less laborious, ways to achieve it. One of them was meeting the stranger tonight.

So, what if he didn’t show up in the end? Or what if he did but did not reveal himself to her? He did know how she looked but she didn’t. In his profile, he did not show his face and she did not ask for a picture. She liked the mystery. And in fact, she did not care much for looks in men. At least not when they were separated from their personality. The looks themselves could not tell her anything about the traits that she was interested in, intelligence, cunning, slight coldness, and reservation. She loved men who had an aura of effortless power around them. Men who were followed not because they were demanding it but simply because it was impossible not to follow them. And that you could not see in a picture. A man like that, however, would not fulfill the scenario of rejection that her imagination was right now presenting to her.

In this scenario, she walks into the lobby of the hotel. The rhythmical noise of her out-of-place shoes turns the eyes of most people in the room on her. She looks ridiculously overdressed for this place. It is an expensive hotel but, in her city, people treat carelessness in appearance as a badge of honour. The fact that you look like you don’t care is an expression of being able to afford it. She takes off her coat and jacket, revealing the dress that she described so well to him. With that, she exposes herself even more to the judgmental eyes of the guests of the hotel in the hope that he will recognize her. She checks her phone but there are no messages. She sends him a text saying that she has arrived. A waiter approaches her and asks if she needs help. She says that she came here to meet someone. He advises to look around but at the same time mentions that he can’t recall anyone sitting alone at the bar. 

“How does he know that she is meeting just one person? Does he think that she is a whore?” she wonders.

She sits at a low table near the entrance and sends him another message stating her exact location. She feels nervous and exposed. Nobody is intentionally looking at her but she can feel their eyes on her back. Minutes pass. He stays absent and silent. She looks around but does not see anyone who would pass for her image of the stranger of tonight. She begins to feel rejected, betrayed. She starts to doubt whether he is going to show up at all. Maybe he is hiding somewhere in this room, observing her. If that is the case, he is probably having an exquisitely entertaining night. Maybe that is his thing? Maybe he has had so many women already that he does not care anymore for fucking them? Maybe he developed a more refined taste for using people? Not through the power of his muscles or even his brain but through his absence? Maybe what gives him his power trip is the fact that women show up for him? The recognition that they are his? That he could use them? But he won’t. Denying them even that, basking in their anxious presence while staying powerfully absent.

She waits at the bar for about an hour, and, after drinking one drink she had to pay for herself, she leaves. She hopes that he’s gotten what he was looking for. That it was some kind of sick game of his. This thought makes her feel fulfilled. She likes to be played. And this might have been one of the most sophisticated plays that have even been performed at her expense.

Imagining this scenario made her excited and also conscious that no matter how the night is going to turn out, she would, one way or another, enjoy it. But then she began to wonder if there is an outcome that would be even worse than the one she had just imagined. What could be the worst to happen? (Apart from being raped and murdered which, as much as sexually somewhat arousing for her, was not a kind of fantasy she hoped to fulfill. Nor was she finding it particularly plausible. Even though she could not deny that the inability to absolutely exclude it from the range of possibilities was slightly adding to her excitement). And then, she realised what would be worse from him not showing up - him turning out to be a complete jerk. 

From the scraps that she had gathered about his line of career and his lifestyle, it was quite possible. He must have had something to do with business, money, and power, and although these traits in the D/s context are somewhat appealing, the people who are attracted to them in real life are often not the kind of people with whom she could connect. So what if it turns out that he is a rich senseless overachiever, caring only about his money and prestige, and able only to talk about his investments? What if he is brainwashed by capitalism, has no interests or opinions of his own, and is overconfident in an annoying (and deeply insecure) way?

“Now that,” she thought, “would be a real treat.”

Since her first BDSM experience, she had been fantasizing about being given away to another man by her owner (and even though at the moment she did not have an official owner, she was still fantasizing about it, the fantasy was about being given away and not the person performing the act). Why these fantasies felt so appealing to her was that they would give her a way to be fucked by people she did not willingly would get fucked by. The decision would not be up to her. And actually, being fucked by the people she did not want to be fucked by was exactly what she was so turned on by.

Like that time when she was tied up and blindfolded at a party and her partner allowed the other participants to touch and play with her. Before it had happened, she flirted with two guys, one of them turned out to be an obnoxious overconfident brute and the other was sweet, intelligent, and very interesting. During the play, immobile and blindfolded, she felt the touch of man’s hands on her breasts and a soft voice in her ear saying “It’s me,” which was supposed, she figured, to be reassuring (in her experience, people when presented with an opportunity to use her in any way they wanted tended to be overly careful and extremely unimaginative). She did not know, however, which ‘me’ it was, the brute or the sweet guy? And to her dismay, the thought of the ‘me’ being the brute was infinitely more arousing.

So she began to wonder whether she would be able to force herself to be used by someone she did not wish to be used by without being ordered to by someone else… It was an exciting possibility, the fulfillment of her darkest desires. Unfortunately, taking into account how bad she was at acting, it was highly unlikely. Yet, she could still entertain the thought.

She imagined hating him the moment they crossed their eyes, and not showing it. She imagined a conversation in which, in her head, she was countering his every word while on the outside smiling and giving him an impression of drinking the words from his mouth. She imagined him hinting at leaving the bar and continuing the evening in his room and her obediently swallowing his bait while her insides were screaming: “Get out of here!” She imagined following him in the hotel corridor. She imagined entering the room, being ordered to undress, and doing it obediently. She imagined hoping that he will take the lead and be forceful because she was not sure if she would be able to allow him to fuck her without force. She imagined him stepping up his game at least in that regard and entering her confidently and swiftly. She imagined closing her eyes and allowing her mind to drift away. She imagined him getting off on her, unconscious of the fact that she is not in the slightest enjoying what he is doing, or rather, enjoying the hilt all the ways in which he was unknowingly abusing her. She imagined her fake screams and moans. She imagined herself observing her body being plundered by a dissenter who did not deserve it in the slightest. She imagined him thinking that he does. She imagined her hating herself for allowing him to once more perpetuate the lies about his dominant masculinity that he tells himself. She imagined despising herself for being a cause of his complacent smile. 

And she loved everything about those images.

Finally, she arrived at the hotel. He was waiting for her in the lobby and turned out to be nothing of the kind she imagined him to be. Despite that, she allowed herself to be raped by him that night.

Everything you ever wanted to know about (female) rope modelling outfits but you were afraid to ask

Photo by RothR.

I put quite a lot of attention to what I am wearing for a rope scene because I believe that it has a big influence on my interaction with the rigger. Like with everything, learning what that influence actually is has been a journey for me. Rope fashion is not a topic as deep as exploring limits, losing control, eroticism, handling rejection, or being patient which I have explored in the past. However, that does not mean that it doesn’t have a significant impact on the way I receive rope. Or that it is less important.

In general, I like beautiful clothes and I like how what I wear can influence my identity, not only in ropes. Paying attention to such things is often seen as vain but I do not think that it has to be. Clothes are a big part of our lives, we wear them every day, and I believe that treating such a fundamental activity with care permeates other aspects of our lives as well. Putting attention to what you wear can be vain if it becomes your master but it can also be a powerful tool of self-expression if you master it. 

Your outfit is a strong non-verbal message perceived immediately upon seeing you, often without even realizing it. It also can influence the way that you perceive yourself. Wearing a beautiful garment for a meeting is an expression of respect and interest. The style you chose indicates your attitude and the quality of your attention for the occasion. And even people who at first sight seem not to care about their appearances are actually sending a powerful message. For example, people who do not adjust their clothing to the occasion, who always wear the same thing, build an aura of mystery and make themselves more difficult to read. Since they always look the same, their intentions become more obscure to the onlooker, keeping them on the edge.

As in life, in ropes my clothes influence the way that I feel and the way I am perceived by the rigger. Through that, outfits also influence the ties that I will end up being tied in. Additionally, some garments require skill from the rigger to handle them well and what you wear might have an impact on the quality of your scene if your rigger does not possess these skills.

I have tried many styles and designs of clothes for tying. Here is a list of them (with one exception) in order, more or less, from my least to most favorite. I hope that it will help create a better understanding of how what you wear as a female model affects your scene and will prevent at least a couple of unsuccessful shopping choices. 

Leggins and sport outfits

They are comfortable and easy to tie in. But, to be honest, I am not sure if you ever need to be that comfortable in ropes. I guess that they can be good for practice but they definitely do not create an atmosphere encouraging to turn it into something more. I used to wear them in the past and even invested in a couple of more ‘sexy’ sports outfits but have recently resigned from them altogether. Even the ‘sexy’ ones are still kind of sporty. And personally, even when I model for someone for practice, I still like to feel feminine. It helps me to enter the mindset of softness and vulnerability that I like to cultivate in ropes. 

Verdict: Depending on what you are looking for, they can work. Do not work for me because of the specificity of what I am looking for in ropes.

Lingerie

It is sexy, definitely, but to me wearing it kind of robs the scene of some mystery. I like to feel innocent at the beginning of a session and then have the rope gradually peel off that innocence. Starting a scene wearing lingerie only, especially sexy lingerie, gives an impression of flirtiness and confidence which is the opposite of what I want to emanate in ropes. Plus, it pretty much shows everything right from the start. There is not much for the rigger to discover once they finally have the power to explore whatever they felt like exploring. If you present yourself in lingerie right away, you give them one less reason to want to tie you as they can already see everything they wanted to see. 

Verdict: It can make one look sexy and beautiful but do not attract the kind of pervs that I am interested in. It also creates a mindset that clashes with the way I usually want to feel in ropes. I sometimes wear it when I want to feel hot and desired but it does not work for most of the styles that I like to be tied in. 

Leotards

They are pretty sexy and at the same time easy to tie. They fit the body accentuating its natural shape. Their tight fit makes sure that no folds or creases unnoticed by your rigger will deform your body in ropes. On the other hand, because they are showing so much, they do not leave much to the imagination. Additionally, they do not provide much opportunity for the rigger to play with undressing you. You are covered a bit more than in lingerie, but still, pretty much everything is visible or easily imaginable. Additionally, depending on their design, they can have a gymnastics outfit vibe which I don’t particularly like in ropes.

Verdict: Good for a workshop or practice when the rigger needs to focus on rope and not handling your clothes. Not the best choice for steamy semenawa rope scenes for reasons listed above for lingerie. 

Naked

Being tied naked definitely solves the issue of handling your clothes by your partner. At the same time, it strips you off any potential mystery. To me, it has its special charm, however. It makes me feel truly below the person tying me right from the start of the scene (especially if they are not naked which is pretty much always the case). There is no question that I am the vulnerable one and that I am going to be toyed with. Contrary to what one might expect, exposing ties gain more power when I am tied naked because they rob me of the hope of somehow hiding my nakedness. Having my legs spread or my body open in general (chest up, head up) makes it clear that I can’t hide and intensifies the struggle of being exposed.

Verdict: Not my go-to (lack of) outfit but I do enjoy it from time to time in skillful hands. It can enhance shame or humiliation play. I only get tied naked if I am ordered to. 

Skirts

Recently I’ve developed a taste for wearing skirts for tying, especially long ones, extending at least below the knee. They work for pretty much the same reasons as dresses (see below) and I like them because they allow for more diversity (by matching different tops) than dresses. Also, I can wear a stretchy top (good for exposing the breasts) and a non-stretchy skirt (flowy and beautifully looking in suspensions). The only problem with them is that because your outfit will be two parts instead of one your rigger needs to pay more attention to keeping all the moving parts looking good. It can get messy and they should pay attention to keeping the mess aesthetically pleasing (unless they do not care but I do believe that visual dimension is a big part of rope bondage and that it should be mastered by the rigger next to handling the ropes. Once they have mastered it, they can make you ugly if they please but only if it is on purpose and not out of ignorance.)

My favourite skirts for tying:

• Medium length or longer, flowy, wrap skirts,

• Medium length buttoned on the entire length, flowy, with slits.

Verdict: Skirts are a great outfit for tying! As long as your rigger is able to handle their potential as they can be more tricky than dresses to drape around the body. 

Dresses

Dresses are probably my favorite ‘everyday’ outfit for tying. The stretchy short ones with slightly wider skirts are perfect for any kind of scene. They make me feel feminine and pretty, putting me in the right mindset for the scene. At the same time, they are comfortable and easy to handle for the rigger (stretchy fabrics and short design do not create too many hurdles when it comes to handling the clothes of the model and they usually wrap nicely around the body).

Longer dresses require more skill from the rigger to drape properly and do not work so nicely for any kind of tie. They work better for slower and a bit more static ties (usually they are a great choice for ties in the Naka style). They have great potential for playing with exposure. They give one a feeling of being dignified and elegant at the beginning of the scene which later on can be delightfully broken. 

My favorite types of dresses for tying:

• Wrap dresses, short and medium, best if it is possible to open it for real (more potential for hot undressing), with short sleeves or straps.

• Buttoned dresses (through the entire length), short, medium, long.

• Shirt dresses (buttons - great for exposure play), any length, I would keep the sleeves short so that the wrists stay bare. 

• Tight stretchy mini dresses - only if you don’t mind your panties being exposed, the chance is very high as the dress will travel up the moment you raise a leg. They are very sexy although they make you look a bit slutty. At the same time, they are still more mysterious than lingerie.

My favorite fabrics are natural because they can breathe and are much more pleasant to wear in the heat of the moment of struggle:

• Stretchy cotton,

• Viscose,

• Cotton (non-stretchy),

• Silk.

Verdict: Dresses are simply the best for tying. You can never have enough of them. Adjust the design (especially the length and fabric) to the style and the tie. 

Juban

I love being tied in a juban. I love how shielded and protected it makes me feel. And I love how slow and meticulous undressing makes me feel the barest and exposed that I have felt so far. I love the ritual of putting it on and being undressed from it in ropes. And I love the beauty and the intricacy of their patterns and fabrics (especially the vintage ones). 

They do, however, require a skillful rigger to handle them well and undress the model in a way that is beautiful and accentuates their body instead of making it grotesquely deformed. And they do require the knowledge of how to put them on in the right way (which is far from easy). I do not think there is anything wrong with a Westerner wearing a Japanese garment as long as they handle it with respect and care for the tradition that it came from. I don’t see why I should not wear them if I find them beautiful and wearing them makes me feel special. So I do.

Verdict: Being tied in a juban is a unique experience. To me, it is not something for everyday tying but it sure makes a scene special and I love to be tied in it by skilled riggers who know how to handle it. It is a skill of its own but one worth learning and experiencing, especially if you appreciate other aspects of Japanese aesthetics.  

Kimono

I must admit, I have never been tied (or have worn) a full kimono. I do realize that both putting it on as well as handling it in rope is much more complex than only the undergarment (juban). Visually, I find them absolutely stunning but looking at the number of layers and complexity of the process of putting them on I do not think that it will be my favorite outfit for tying. Also, because of the number of layers, I expect one to get extremely hot wearing it for demanding ties. And one needs a truly knowledgeable rigger with an eye for the to expose one in style in a kimono. 

Despite all that, I would love to get tied in a kimono one day as I find them absolutely beautiful and I expect their complex construction might be giving me an interesting feeling of being trapped in my garments even before getting tied. They look beautiful in pictures and performances but are not an outfit for every-day tying. 

Verdict: No verdict as I haven’t tried it yet but it is something that I am looking forward to trying. I do not expect it to be my favourite, though. More something for really special occasions. 

As you can see, I put quite a lot of attention to the clothes I wear when I am being tied and I believe that I have learned to make them work for me. Because of what I am looking for in ropes, feminine pieces of clothing such as skirts and dresses are my favorites as they make me feel more beautiful delicate and feminine, and at the same time allow the rigger to play with the exposure and leave the decision of how exposed I am going to be to them. I change the lengths and fabrics to set my mood but in general, I always like to keep my rope clothing easy (or at least possible) to undo and expose me. Depending on the purpose of the scene (practice, workshop, session) I might go for more or less comfortable. Depending on the skill of the rigger and their eye for the detail, I might go for more or less easy to handle. 

Finally, being tied in a juban is for me something very special and I am looking forward to experiencing being tied also in other Japanese garments. They have a visual beauty that I find very appealing but also the experience of being undressed from their layers is intense and unique, something that I have not been able to find so far wearing western clothing.

On submission as my way to taste the forbidden

I have a tendency to be swept off my feet by men. People who have known me for a bit can confirm.

Not by all men, that is.

In general, I tend to be rather intimidating and hard to impress. Sometimes, I can be a girl who emanates the vibe of ‘better don’t come close unless you have something really interesting to say. And I mean: really interesting’. Sometimes, I am a girl who has a bunch of guys around her begging for her attention. Sometimes, men treat me like a princess. I can’t say that I don’t like it. It can be pleasant and flattering. But it doesn’t turn me on.

I was raised in a family of strong women. My mother is a kind of woman who is a feminist and at the same time sees anything feminine as a sign of weakness. I love my mother. She is an amazing person and she has taught me a lot. She also might have been one of the reasons why my sexuality has developed into something so dark and twisted.

This tendency of mine to be swept off my feet by certain men has been in me since I remember. It would not happen often but there were certain kinds of guys (guys whom I found admirable and respectable and who at the same time did not pay much attention to me) around whom I was melting. If I met a guy like that, I would do anything to make him notice me, anything to get a sign of his approval. I’d travel to the other side of the country just for a chance of seeing him for a couple of hours. Usually, I wouldn’t get what I’d hoped for but it wouldn’t keep me from trying.

My mother hated my behaviour around those men. She thought that the way I was acting around them was pitiful. That I should be ashamed of myself for being like that. That I make a joke out of me. She has always told me that it should be men who admire me and not the other way around. That if I behave like that, they will for sure never be mine. Because the path to the heart of a man is being inaccessible. Only then, they will desire me.

There might even be some truth to it in the context of the culture that she was raised in and the, still pervasive today, traditional goals of a woman. There might also be some truth in it if you like when the object of your desire also desires you.

To me, however, it is a slippery slope.

My problem with desire is that I can either be a subject or an object of it but not both at the same time. And if my object makes me their object as well, my subject role gets shaky.

Not that it ever happened to me. I’ve been choosing my objects wisely so far.

I don’t know if it is because, trying to impress my mother, I have suppressed my natural behavior so deeply that now it comes to the surface blown up to unnatural proportions. My hypothesis is: 'Possibly'. But I know that men who are everything to me while I am nothing to them are my ideal kind of men.

I want to crawl at their feet while they don’t even notice.

I want to seek beggingly for a glimpse of their sight while they are busy admiring someone else.

I want to be ecstatic from them merely noticing me.

I want to pray for their touch not believing that I will ever receive it.

I want to be the most miserable, pitiful, despicable kind of girl. The one my mother would shudder with disgust when looking at. I want people to cringe with pity when they see me. I want them to feel sorry for me. I want them to think of me as a loser, unloved, and unlovable. I want them to think that they would never want to switch their places with me and truly mean it.

Because they probably shouldn’t.

Without my highly developed taste for rejection, such experience might prove dangerous for them.

Without my appreciation of hardship, it might not be possible for them to take it.

Without an understanding of the calm beauty of loneliness, the velvety warmth of sadness, and the reassuring composure of disinterest, seeking what I seek might even prove deadly.

For me, however, submission is a means for exploration of exactly those feelings. It is a way to experience a part of me that has never been accepted. It is allowing myself to feel to the fullest the emotions that I have never been allowed to experience.

Not so that I can prove to myself it finishes with a happy ending. Not so that I can show to my mother that she was wrong, that if you truly give yourself to someone what you get in return is their love and devotion.

I don’t think that it is necessarily true.

Rather, submission allows me to experience the rejection that has been so demonized to me, to feel the unreciprocated desire that I have been taught one should never feel. Submission allows me to live through being unloved, unwanted, pitiful, low, and ugly.

So that I can finally, without guilt, taste the forbidden fruit of weakness.

When the time comes I want to be empty for You so that You can fill me in

I’ve been recently shedding off more and more of my expectations and (what I think are) my needs, in rope, in BDSM and in life in general. I began to realize that they are clouding my experience of what is right in front of me. Instead of living my life in the shape that it is having at this moment, and learning from it, I dream almost constantly about the things that might happen or about the things that I miss. The fact is, though, that no need or desire fulfilled in my dreams is better than the most mundane reality. Because nothing beats direct experience.

When you are having an intense D/s encounter with someone, it is easy to be in the moment. It is easy to forget yourself in the midst of the sensual flood that is descending upon you. It is easy to enjoy what is happening. To open up and be vulnerable. In such a case, it is easy to let go. To allow yourself to feel and to be. To experience all there is to experience. To reach the depths of your existence.

It is also easy to get used to these highs. To begin to crave and seek them. To begin to feel as if you can not live without them. And even to begin to seek the experience more than the person you are doing it with. To feel so much in need for that depth or intensity that you will jump on anyone who is willing to provide you with even a glimpse of it.

It used to be the case with me and rope. I used to feel as if I needed to do rope. I would nag my riggers to tie me because I felt that I just needed to feel the rope around my body. That I will die if I don’t get it. It didn’t matter so much what they would tie on me. It almost didn’t matter who was tying me. The only thing that mattered was the rope. Around my body. And if it was mixed with a hint of a D/s power exchange, I was in heaven.

But recently, I’ve decided that it is not the way that I want to approach my practice. I do not want to use my riggers as disposers of sensations. I do not want to put pressure on people to provide space for me to get rid of the tensions that are within me. I do not want to treat my partners as simply means to get my needs met. I do not want my well-being to be dependent on whether or not I find a person to satisfy me on short notice. And I do not want my decisions of whether or not to give my freedom and soul to someone else to toy with to be dictated by the fact that I haven’t done it in the last couple of days.

I want to get tied by people when I feel like I want to get tied by them. I want my ‘Yes’ to be a ‘yes’ to this person at this moment in time, not an ever sounding ‘yes’ to anything that is slightly resembling what I am desperately craving for.

For that, I had to dissect what rope provides me with and find other ways in which I can provide it to myself. Not so that I don’t want to do rope anymore, but rather so that when I decide to taste someone (again), it is not because I am dying of hunger and I would eat anything that is put in front of me but because they look delicious and I really really am curious to see how they taste in a combination with my own flavour. And I am satiated enough to be able to savour the experience instead of devouring it all in one go.

I believe that I managed to do that. I have found out the things that being in ropes was providing me with. Some of them I didn’t like at all and decided to try to get rid of the need for them all together. For others, I have found ways to give it to myself without the use of rope.

I found ways to allow myself to open up and be vulnerable without having my body be bound by rope. I found ways to surrender in my daily life. I can provide a physical challenge to my body, make myself feel every little muscle in it without the help of bondage. Finally, I can be in the moment, experience all there is to experience, without having someone else to push me into it.

That doesn’t mean that I do not want to be in ropes anymore. It doesn’t mean that I am not looking forward to having my freedom taken away from me by someone else again.

It means that now when I get to feel Your rope tightening around my body again, when I get to feel Your presence taking away all my power, I will be empty and unbarred, ready to take You in. I will be there for You whole, the empty cup of my perception ready to be filled with the emotions that Your touch on my skin (or the lack of it) evokes. I will be ready to receive You and dance with You as we are, without expectations, without need, without preconceived images of what this encounter should be. I will be ready to take what You give directly, without trying to mould it into the shape that I want it to be.

Because when the time comes and we will get to dance this dance of power and weakness, of beauty and ugliness, of love and hatred, of life and death together, when we get to explore the most delightful distance and the most unbearable closeness, when our bodies and our minds get to meet, I need to be there whole and pure to truly meet You. I need to be there certain that this is exactly where I want to be, and You are exactly the person who I want to be with. I need that certainty in order to feel ready to jump over the cliff of my understanding, into the unknown.

And then I want to be empty. So that You can fill me in.

On how Akane-san gave us everything she had

Recently, I had the pleasure to participate in an unique rope event, Onawa Asobi festival in Antwerp. Originally organised by Yoi Yoshida in Tokyo, Japan, this year it was brought to Europe as a joint effort of BeShibari, shibarista_jesss and Yoi-san.

The idea of the festival is to bring together amateur and professional Shibari enthusiasts and to allow them to present to the audience their way of practicing rope. In 2 days, 14 performances, 30 minutes each, were held during the day, while in the evenings free tying took place during ropejams. The diversity of performances was overwhelming and each of the participants showed us their own way of practicing shibari with heart and dedication. It was eye-opening and very inspiring to see how versatile a tool rope is, and how many different aspects are there to enjoy about it.

There was one performance that left a particular imprint on me and I would like to write about it here. To me it was a perfect illustration of something that I have felt strongly about for a while now and that I feel that is not necessarily talked about enough.

The power that the model has in moving the audience. And the effort and hard work that they put in to be able to do so.

The performance

The performance that I am going to write about was the one of BeShibari and Akane-san. BeShibari is a well known rope artist, teacher and event organiser from Antwerp. Akane-san is one of the most famous Japanese models, being a model of Yukimura-san and Naka-san among others. I'm embarrassed to say that despite this fact I haven't heard about her until this event. This proves my own ignorance of course. But it's also, I think, an illustration of the general tendency in our European community to be much better informed about the riggers than about the models.

It started with Akane-san lying on the floor on her side with her face towards the ground. Already this starting position was indicative to me of her readiness to give, to be sacrificed. Then the chest harness was tied on her not by BeShibari, but by his partner, Shibarista_jesss, which was an interesting and unexpected twist. It felt as if Akane-san was being prepared by Jess, like a prisoner is before their execution, to face her faith that was awaiting her at the hands of BeShibari.

During this first part of the session Akane-san had certain difficulties breathing, you could hear that she had a slightly runny nose and she was struggling to remain in the moment and not focus too much on this nuisance. It is possible, although this might just be my projection, that this actually caused her to go even deeper within herself because she needed to dig further in order to overcome this physical inconvenience and really allow the ropes to penetrate her. Whether that was really the case or not is beyond the point, though. What is the point is that she did go very deep and her total openness and surrender to the tie that came after left me speechless.

I can’t even recall the positions that she had been put in, I remember that they involved a futomomo and a chest harness but that is about it. Because the positions were not at the center of this performance to me. Her sharing with us her vulnerability was. It is hard to pinpoint what exactly gave me this feeling, but I could feel that she surrendered fully to the tie and her faith. She was not trying to escape the pain and struggle, she was not trying to deflect, fight or hide away from it. She was living it fully, to the last drop. And she was showing it all to us.
Some people admire the strength or physical beauty in the models, some people admire their calm or serene way of taking ropes.

I admire vulnerability. I admire the ability and willingness to submit to the hardship and being honest in your expression of it. I admire the ability to open up completely to the ropes, to allow yourself to be free in captivity, to express everything that is inside of you. Let every feeling and every sensation out in the open. I admire the willingness to admit your struggle, to admit your weakness, to allow the ropes to penetrate and transform you. And all this is to me what Akane-san has showed to us.

Seeing her opening up to us, seeing her bare and exposed in front of us, seeing how much she can give and her actually doing it has brought me to tears. With her catharsis in ropes, I went through my own small version of it.
She's moved me, she's made me feel and that to me is one of the main qualities of an artist. Make people go through something with you, take them on an emotional journey, make them feel or reflect. I think that there is no real art without vulnerability, without the willingness of the artist to expose themselves to the spectators. And while I don’t want to take away the importance of BeShibari in creating the space for this beauty and depth to unfold in front of our eyes, it would not happen without the readiness of Akane-san to give it all to us. In that sense Akane-san is definitely an artist to me and with this performance they proved that kinbaku is an art.

Afterthoughts

As a model myself I seek other models that could serve as a role model and inspiration to me. I seek proofs that, despite of what the perception of model's role in the bondage scene nowadays is, our role is essential, inevitable and important. That we are not interchangeable. That we contribute to the tie and to the scene. Because I believe that no matter how remarkable the rigger is, without an equally giving and remarkable model, the tie is not going to shine. And with a remarkable model even simple bondage holds depth and beauty. Because it's depth and beauty that fills it in.

You could say that I have no reason to complain because actually the role of the model in bondage seems to be gaining more and more recognition nowadays. It's important, however, to investigate what is that recognition given for. Is it because they're young, beautiful, flexible or physically strong? These are all admirable traits, but the problem with them is that they are all pretty much inborn and are not something that one can aspire to or can improve upon (at least not to a great degree). So their admiration is happening more in terms of awe than a source of inspiration and empowerment. But maybe there is something else that the models can be recognized for? Not something that they've been born with but something that they've worked on and developed and that can be a source of teaching and inspiration to other models? I believe there is.

I believe that there are many ways in which an experienced and skilled model contributes to bondage and I would love seeing more credit being given to them for it. Not only seeing their beauty and physical strength, but the power of their mind, their readiness to open up and be vulnerable, their ability to engage with the ropes and with their partner and their fluency in receiving and being in ropes.

These are all difficult to master and admirable qualities that any model can develop through hard work and practice. To me they are more praiseworthy than beauty or strength because they're something that takes perseverance and effort to master. And I think that that effort is really visible in the tie.

To me, watching Akane-san in ropes was a source of great inspiration and learning. Not only because she was beautiful but because what she showed to us was a display of her mastery. She showed me something that I, as a model, can aspire to. She made me want to practice modelling so that one day I can go on the stage and give as much as she did and maybe also make someone in the audience go through a journey with me. I hope that it's not only me who sees it that way and I hope that through events like that our sensibility and appreciation of kinbaku will grow not only in terms of rigging, but also modelling abilities.

This event was not only a display of different styles of tying, but also of different styles of being in ropes. Some might say that it's something obvious to say but I feel like it's not, and I feel like it's time to recognize the models for the effort that they're putting into being in ropes. Not simply praising each of them for showing up but recognizing and appreciating what they actually put in. And learn from the ones who inspire us the most.

Thank you to all the organizers, performers and the rest of the participants for this great event. Thank you for filling my weekend with unforgettable moments. Thank you for making me feel and reflect. I hope that we will all learn from this great experience.

So, apparently I've taught myself how to feel

This text is an affirmation of how much I’ve developed in my ability to feel. It is a reminder to myself that I’ve come a long way and that I wasn’t always that attuned with my emotions. In fact, there had been a time when I was the opposite of that. It is also an illustration of what is possible if you put your mind and heart into something. That there is no such thing as having a fixed personality. That we can always change if we want to. But it doesn’t happen without putting in the effort and practice.

One of my current best friends is my ex-boyfriend. We broke up a long time ago and we are often joking about how much good the breakup did to both of us. It is really great to have someone around who knows me intimately for such a long time and cares about me but at the same time is not too emotionally invested. Often, he can see the processes that I am going through much clearer than I am able to see myself. And make me aware of them.

I was talking with him recently about how much we’ve both changed since we were in a relationship together, and one of the things that he made me realize was how completely disconnected from my emotions I’d been back then. He reminded me how each time when he would ask me how I felt about something my answer would be “I don’t know”. And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to reveal it to him but because I truly had no idea. The moment I was turning my attention inwards was like staring into a street clouded with fog where all you can see is 50 centimetres in front of you. You know that there is something behind that milky wall, but there is no possibility of telling what. 

Looking at myself now, I find it quite unbelievable. I like to think that currently, I have quite an unusual capacity to experience and express my feelings. Usually, even in the midst of the most emotionally challenging situations, I am able to observe what I feel clearly and objectively. I am able to analyse my emotions and separate them from facts. I am able to honestly express even the most uncomfortable feelings. And actually feel them at the same time.

The whole point of my favourite kind of BDSM play nowadays is being an outside observer of my own misery, taking a back seat and watching myself going through emotional pain while at the same time experiencing it. And the reason why I can enjoy it this way is that I can deeply feel even the most uncomfortable and painful emotions without shutting off. I can savour them without getting overwhelmed.
But it didn’t use to be that way. I wasn’t born with an innate capacity to feel even if it might seem like it sometimes. Or rather, I was born with it like all of us are, but I definitely lost it along the way. I did manage to gain it back but it was occupied with hard work, and what I’ve just realized, years of practice. 

What has helped me in making a change was the realization that in order to feel good, I needed to first feel at all. In the past, I’d shut off my feelings because I didn’t want to experience negative emotions. There were just too many of them and it seemed like experiencing all of it would make my life unmanageable. So I decided not to feel. And it was working. I was managing my life well and achieving more and more successes. Or so it seemed.

The point of change came when I had to make a big life decision and I realized that I am completely incapable of recognizing what is the right thing to do. I rationally kind of knew what it was but I didn't feel it. And without feeling it, I wasn't able to take a step. At that point, I understood that I needed someone to help me tap into my emotions because I am not able to do it on my own. So I went into therapy.

It took me 6 months to get even a small glimpse into my own feelings and to make the necessary step. It took me 6 years to become able to observe and express my emotions about a situation at hand in a reasonable time and not when they come banging at my door driven to a complete extreme. I am still not at the point when in difficult circumstances I can experience my feelings real-time and express them in a non-violent and constructive manner but I am working every day towards getting there. 

Learning to recognize and let my feelings in was a difficult undertaking. It took a lot of effort and hard work. It involved psychotherapy, meditation, journaling and other practices. But first and foremost, it required a willingness to look for the answers inside of myself. To face the reality of the turmoil within me and stop turning my face away from it. Before I could even think of changing anything, I had to first hear the thoughts and see the images that I was trying to push away. The ones that made me so afraid of feeling. 

Right now I tremendously enjoy my emotions. They are the soul of my life. They add colour and depth to it. They provide me with excitement and pleasure. They make me feel alive. 

Even more so, it seems that the things that I used to run away from, now became my biggest fetishes. The feelings of rejection, helplessness and fear that I used to shut off are now what I desire. Maybe it’s because being able to look them in the eye and allow them to rule me on my own terms is what makes me feel stronger. Maybe seeing them as simply manifestations of life takes away their power, leaving just the intensity. Maybe facing something that I used to be so terrified of gives me the feeling of thrill, and thrill is sexy. I am not sure, but I know that without consciously leaning into my emotions I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the kind of play that I do now. 

I see the kind of relationship that I have with myself as the deepest form of intimacy one can ever achieve. There is no other person in the world with whom you can get as close as you can get with yourself. And there is no way that you can build intimacy with other people if you do not have an intimate relationship with yourself. Being able to communicate and share my feelings with other people is a quality that I value enormously. It brings me closer to people. It deepens my trust and my connection with them. It makes me feel seen and understood. But without acknowledging what is inside of me, I would never be able to see and hear what is inside of them. 

Reconnecting with my feelings might just be the biggest work that I’ve done on myself so far. And being where I am now is both great and terrifying at the same time. 

The great thing is that it allows me to have all these amazing experiences that I could never have dreamed of having before. It gives depth and intensity to anything that I am going through and it allows me to learn from every single life experience because I can truly see things for what they are without wanting to turn away from them. 

It can be terrifying, though, because once you start feeling deeply, you feel the good as much as you feel the bad. And once you start seeing things truly, there is no way to unsee them. Once you know what it means to stay connected to yourself, it becomes difficult to slip into the slumber of not feeling because when you start doing that it is as obvious as if you would start cutting off your own leg. And sometimes there are things happening in my life when I wish I could not feel.

But then I remind myself how much I would have to give up in order to do that. All the wisdom that pain has brought me. All the joy that being in the moment has given me. And then I let go and allow myself to feel what I didn’t want to feel. And I am grateful for having taught myself how to do that. 

My sacrifice is a solitary space

Photo by theurbanchange.

I’ve been thinking recently about my ways to receive ropes. I say ways because they are different depending on who I tie with, my mood, their mood, the dynamics between us in that particular moment, the style that we tie in and many other factors. There are certain experiences that I crave and seek more than others, however. One of them is the feeling of sacrificing myself for the rigger. 

It happens especially in slow scenes full of suffering. The kind of scenes where the ropes are deeply torturous and I am given a lot of space to contemplate it. When I have time to sit with my agony and let it sink in. To digest it and let it transform me. These are the kind of scenes that require a lot from me. A lot of focus. A lot of energy. A lot of sacrifices. And these are the kind of scenes that I crave deeply. 

At the same time, these are not states that I take lightly. These are not things that I would do with anybody. To go that far and that deep, I need to be determined. I need to set myself on a road of no return. I need to make a conscious decision to transgress my limits because only there the real torment happens. Only when the pain and effort are beyond what I would willingly take, the ritual of my sacrifice can take over. 

It might seem like a beautiful and intimate act. That sacrifice. An act that is bringing me and my rigger together. An act that they should marvel over and appreciate me for. That would make me beautiful and precious in their eyes. This is not what I seek through my actions, however. I don’t seek connection. I do not do this for my rigger to see and appreciate me at this moment. I do it because I want to be in this very special space and sacrificing myself for them brings me there. 

What I am looking for is a solitary journey leading to a total resignation. A lonely path paved with pain and suffering slowly wearing off the joy and lightness from my stride. I am looking for the ultimate torment that will put the light out of my eyes. But I can’t get there if I have a companion on that journey. Because only solitary wanderers can reach that place.

I was teaching a workshop about kinbaku recently and explaining how being tied in a TK is the most important element of the session for me as it is the moment when I'm readying myself for what's about to happen. One of the participants after observing me in a demo said that it seems to them as if I'm very much on my own at that moment. That I've said that I do it for my rigger, but it seems as if I don't pay attention or connect to the rigger. As if I'm all focused inwards and on myself.

And I think that it's true what they've said. Indeed, my sacrifice is for the rigger but not with the rigger. I decide to do it for them because I want them to be able to use my body for what they've envisioned. Because I want them to enjoy the total control over my faith that they have at this moment. I want them to use and enjoy my gift. But I am not seeking to participate in their joy in any way. Even if they appreciate me at that moment, I'm not seeking to feel that appreciation. Because at that moment, I'm thickly covered in a veil of torment and I don't want it to be taken off and the light to be let in.

So I want my rigger to put me through the worst possible ordeal, bring me to the brink of my sanity and to leave me alone in there to suffer. It seems like you would have to be a heartless person to do such a thing. Yet, I see it differently. To me, letting me be with it alone is an act of trust and respect. Allowing me to deal with the experience that they are putting me through on my own shows to me that they believe in me and understand me. That they are able to receive the gift of my sacrifice. That they are able to hold it and will not bend under the weight of it. 

Having said that, it's not as if I demand that disconnection from my riggers. They are still the ones who lead the scene and decide where we are going. And if they decide that they want to be close to me and support me, they will and I will open up to them and appreciate it. It will ease my torture and allow me to feel deeply intimate with them. That feeling of being seen and for my suffering being witnessed is something powerful and beautiful to experience as well.  

But if they want to give me the space to be lonely in my sacrifice, I'll take it. If they're willing to take on these separate yet inseparably intertwined journeys, I'm here to join. It is a special act to participate in, being so close and at the same time so far away. This moment when each of you is feeding on the other's experiences, yet you know that in the end, you yourself are the only one who is the recipient of it. That you are completely alone in what you're going through, yet if it wasn't for the other person you would never have gotten there. 

I believe that at that moment the rigger is going through something similar. And I want them to be able to appreciate it fully without having to pay attention to what I'm experiencing. I want them to bathe in the solitude of power that they have over me as much as I am bathing in the solitude of my sacrifice. I want us to dance a dance of giving and taking, of yielding and control, of power and helplessness and get lost in it. Not seeing a human in our partners anymore, but a force, an idea, a space that is acting upon you and you're acting upon it. It is a solitary place to be in, yet being let in there by someone and meeting them again on the other side is one of the most intimate acts that one can share.

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.3 The most important question

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote the others, I do it based on my memory and understanding. The participants consented to me writing an account of our discussion, however they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below, however, I want to acknowledge that it wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

This is the third and the last of the articles that resulted from a round table discussion which I moderated during the last EURIX in the Fall of ‘19 and in which Anna Bones and Saara Rei were my main interviewees. The first one was centred around the topics of empowerment and authenticity of rope bottoms. The second one circled around being part of a community and how it impacts our practice. In this one, I summarize the insights from asking the participants a question that to me was the clue of the entire discussion and the one that I was leading towards. 

“What was your mindset and prerequisites for the best rope scenes that you’ve had?”

It was so important to me to ask this question because I believed that it will shift our discussion from theorizing about what is and isn’t important in bottoming to an empirical analysis that will be based on tangible experiences. In the end, the goal of both partners in rope is to have an amazing session. I wanted us to realize how much we as bottoms contribute to that outcome because I believe that we do. I believe that it is not only the rigger who is giving us amazing experiences but it is also us who can facilitate it. And that our good experience impacts our partners as it translates into the beauty of the tie and their involvement and enjoyment. I was hoping that the answers of the participants will give more substance to my beliefs in this regard. And they did.

First and foremost, embrace all the experience

What turned out to be the most important mindset that can make or break our scenes according to the round table participants was the readiness to embrace all the experiences in ropes, and especially the negative ones. It should not have come as a surprise to me as it was perfectly aligned with my intuition about what makes for the best scenes, but it did just because of how strong and unanimous this observation was among the participants. 

Both Anna Bones and Saara Rei (and I join them here) indicated that the most important bottoming attitude that brought the best scenes to them was being open to all the experience, not only looking for and expecting positive emotions but embracing and welcoming everything that comes.

Rope bondage by its nature evokes a lot of negative feelings, fear, pain, panic, helplessness, resignation, sadness, loneliness and rejection, just to name a few. If you close yourself to these, you close off to most of the experience that might be awaiting you in a session and your scene can become quite superficial. On the other hand, if you open up to the negative feelings, if you allow them to fill you up, to speak through your body, it can be a transformative and even cathartic experience.

It is easier said than done, though. You need a lot of courage to show up for all the emotions and bodily sensations that a rope scene might ignite in you. To not shut off your feelings but to take them on and truly experience them. Being able to do that does not come easily. It requires conscious practice and an open and investigative approach. And there are certain conditions that we touched upon in our discussion that can make it easier for that openness to happen.

The importance of trust

Time and again the notion of trust was coming up. Rope bondage is an activity in which the bottom hands over the power over their body and their safety to the rigger. It seems obvious that trusting the person who you give such power is essential. However, this common-sense notion is not always practised among the bottoms, especially among beginners. 

And it is understandable. When I began getting tied, I wanted to do it as much as possible. Just getting into ropes was way more important to me than who's ropes they were. I simply wanted to feel the ropes squeezing emotions out of me as often as I could. Over time it has changed, though. From my own experience, and as I’ve learned during the round table also from the experiences of others, the longer you tie, the smaller the frequency and amount of people that you want to get tied by. And that is not because over time we become elitist and only want to tie with the best or the most famous riggers. Rather, we learn to tie only with people whom we truly trust. And unfortunately, they are not so easy to encounter.

Reasons for trust can be multiple. It can come from knowing the person well, it can come from their skills, from recommendations of other people who you trust, or simply from having a good feeling about the person.

Different people have different means to decide whether they trust to get tied by someone or not. Saara Rei, for example, mentioned among others that she never gets tied by a new person prior to seeing them tie and being able to assess whether they are tying safely according to her standards (for example, locking the tsuri lines properly). I usually don’t consider tying with a new person unless I have spoken with them a couple of times and I feel like I have a good feeling of what kind of person they are. 

No matter what your way to make up your mind about trusting a person is, one thing is certain, getting tied by someone who you don’t trust is a recipe for a bad scene. In the most optimistic scenario.

The importance of clear communication

A statement that clear communication is important in rope bondage sounds like a terrible cliche. Despite that, I am still not sure if we are fully aware of how many aspects of a scene are influenced by the quality of the communication between the partners. 

It is often the case that the crucial part of the communication is taking place before the actual scene. Many participants indicated that having a feeling that their partner is seeing and hearing them prior tying was indicative of how good the scene was going to be. Two things are important to achieve that. First, it is important to be able to communicate your needs clearly and assertively. Second, we need to have trust towards the partner that these needs will be listened to.

To be able to communicate our needs, we need first to know what these needs are. Seems trivial but it is far from that. Communicating one’s needs does not necessarily mean giving a specific scenario that you want your scene to follow. It might also mean expressing that you want your partner to take you anywhere they want and that you are aware of the risks involved. That you are aware that they might accidentally cross your boundaries and you are willing to deal with the consequences. Without the latter statement, you should not count on your partner to truly let go and give you the experience that you desire. As long as they are a decent human being, they will be too afraid to hurt you unintentionally. 

It is also important to communicate your expectations in terms of the emotional intensity that you are looking for. one of the participants indicated that for her being attuned in these terms is one of the most important ingredients for a great scene. For example, I usually go quite deep in my scenes and I also usually get sexually aroused in rope. As great as it might sound, it might not match with what my partner is looking for. It is better to communicate it beforehand and if your expectations don’t match, simply don’t do rope or do it another day when your moods are more aligned. 

Getting to know your body is essential to go deeper

A very important point was raised by another participant who indicated that for her, getting to know her body in ropes, understanding it, is a key to be able to go deeper. This remark was a good wake up call for all of us after we’ve spent a lot of time talking about the emotional experiences, mindsets and feelings in ropes and it seemed like we almost forgot that rope bondage is a bodily activity.

Any mental state that we achieve, we achieve through our bodies. Forgetting about the physical experience in ropes and focusing solely on the mind, misses a bigger part of the practice.

There are many different ways to learn your body in ropes, I believe. For example, you can learn the theory of anatomy and body mechanics. You can try to understand what is happening in ropes to your body and base your feeling of safety on your knowledge and understanding. You can learn to actively protect different parts of your body depending on your conscious actions and execute that protection whenever you feel you should. 

You can also learn your body in ropes more intuitively, not by analysing what is happening to your body on an anatomical level but rather trying to simply feel whether what is happening is right or wrong. I believe that by progressively putting yourself in slightly more difficult positions or observing how different ties of different people feel, and by trying to remember what felt good and safe without necessarily analysing it in detail in your head, you can also learn your body in ropes pretty well. You won’t be able to describe exactly what is happening to you, but you will be able to tell whether you are safe. 

One way or another, treating rope as a bodily practice and learning your body in ropes is essential if you want to go deep. 

Some things come with experience

All skills that I've listed above are very important and maybe even essential if you want deep and satisfying experiences in ropes. And like any skill, they require time and practice to develop. That does not mean that you can’t have great scenes at the beginning of your journey, but simply that the better you get at the things mentioned, the deeper your experiences will become. And there is nothing wrong with that. This actually is where the beauty of rope bottoming is for me and the reason why I feel that I will never get tired of it.

In the beginning, everything is new and exciting. You want to tie with everyone, you want to experience every style. You do not have much understanding of what you are doing, though. You do not truly understand the risks. You do not know why you want to be in ropes. You do not feel comfortable in ropes. You experience a lot of excitement, fear, panic, pain or arousal but you can’t go much deeper. Your body and mind are too alarmed for that.  

With time you develop depth in your bottoming. You become a more aware and full persona in bondage. You build a repertoire of experiences that you can provide to you and your rigger. You are comfortable enough in ropes to begin to experience deeper and more complex emotions. Your mind is not in a state of constant panic anymore and you learn how to manipulate your mental states in ropes, how to play with them and how to express yourself. 

Also, with your growing experience, your partners can push you more and more. They can tie you more intensely because they know that you are aware enough to take part of the responsibility. They can trust that both of you have the same level of knowledge to be able to understand the risks involved and therefore the responsibility for your experiences is more equally distributed. 

With practice, you also learn how to deal with things when they go wrong. You learn what you need before and after the scene, for it to go well, you learn to make informed decisions about your partners and the circumstances for doing bondage. And you can inform your partners better on how to take care of you and provide both of you with a great experience. Over time, you also learn what you can and can’t do. You learn your body, its ability, its strong and weak points, and you are able to communicate them to your rigger. 

Experience makes you also become calmer in ropes. More composed. You learn how to express and communicate without words. You learn to recognize what is and isn’t safe. Thanks to that, your scenes can become longer and more fluent and you and your partner can start to experiment more. As Anna Bones said, at the beginning of your bottoming education you need to learn how to communicate verbally in ropes. How to talk about your experiences to your rigger. 

As you grow in your bottoming, you learn how to communicate less with words and more with your body and facial expressions. You begin to fill ropes with your expression and speak to your rigger with your reactions. You stop talking because you begin to feel and express the unspeakable. It is not anymore about safe or unsafe, painful or comfortable. It becomes a matter of whispers, murmurs and subtleties. The depth of your breath and twitch of your feet. The expressions of emotions that can’t be named.

I hope that reading this article makes you at least partly as inspired as listening to and discussing with the participants made me. I believe that we came to beautiful conclusions about what it is that we do in ropes as bottoms, why we love it and how can we facilitate ourselves and our partners in having even better and more enriching experiences.

Rope bondage provides us with a special space where we can explore the areas of our body and mind which are usually unexplored. It allows us to go to places which people don’t visit in their everyday lives. These places are often dark and scary but facing them with a mature mind, heart and body and with a trustworthy partner by your side can lead to truly cathartic experiences. 

And as much as becoming a good rigger takes years of relentless practice, I believe that becoming a fully developed bottom can take years of practice as well. Not technical empirical practice as it is in case of tying, but working with your mind and body to open up and to persevere, grappling with oneself and one’s fears and teaching your body to accept and adjust to the extreme conditions that you put it through. Finally, being a good bottom also means knowing oneself extremely well and being able to communicate about it. It means knowing how to recognize the people who are worthy to put your life in their hands and being able to let go and truly give it to them when they are.

I am not saying that every bottom should take on this path and I am not saying that those who don’t are not worthy of admiration. The sheer fact that you show up for a scene should be enough as long as its enough for your partner. There is no better or worse here. But what I am trying to say is that there are things in bottoming practice that are truly difficult and require mastery. And that the results that one gets from working on them are tangible and worth putting in the effort. 

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.2 The community

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote the others, I do it based on my memory and understanding. The participants consented to me writing an account of our discussion, however they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below. However, I want to acknowledge that it wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

This is the second article that resulted from a round table discussion which I moderated during the last EURIX in the Fall of ‘19 and in which Anna Bones and Saara Rei were my main interviewees. The first one was triggered by our discussion but also contained a lot of my own insights and was centred around the topics of empowerment and authenticity of rope bottoms. In this one, I gathered the topics that were circling around being part of a community and how it impacts our practice.

Rope bondage is an activity that is deeply personal and internal, but at the same time, it is often practised within a community. Many people tie with more than one person. We attend rope jams, workshops and rope festivals to meet and learn from fellow rope enthusiasts or to find new partners. We also connect virtually through discussion groups, forums and by following people who inspire us online.

Performing an intimate act of bondage in the presence (physical or conceptual) of other people is a delicate matter and it often leads to frictions. Some of them we talked about during our discussion and I describe here. We also touched upon how rapidly the rope community in Europe is growing and changing and how the roles of the bottom and the top are changing as well. Finally, we also mentioned how being a part of a community can be a source of strength and growth and how we can use this gift to our advantage.

There is a lot of unnecessary normativity in rope bottoming lately

There seem to be a lot of discussions about how to be a ‘better bottom’ recently. I must admit that I am probably one of the bottoms who contributes to perpetuating this notion. And while I don’t think that there is something essentially wrong in thinking about ways to get better at something, focusing on the improvement too much can lead to losing pleasure and meaning from the activity. And even worse than that, it can also lead to unnecessary competition and judgemental attitudes within a community.

I think that the most important thing to ask yourself when you notice an ambition for self-improvement is what your drive behind wanting to get better is? If your drive is internal, for example, you want to become more authentic in your bottoming, you want to deepen your and your rigger’s experiences in ropes or you want to internalize the activity for it to become more natural, then it should be safe to pursue your goal of improvement. Even then, though, you should keep yourself in check, because you might still get lost in the pursuit of the goal and miss out on the experiences that you’ve had on the path leading to it (been there, done that).

The real danger creeps in, however, when your drivers for self-improvement are external. For example, when you feel like you should become a ‘better bottom’ because all the other bottoms are improving. When you feel like you are not good enough already. Or when you want to improve because you think that only then you will get tied by a certain person or your pictures will get a lot of ‘likes’.

Basically, whenever instead of wanting to become a better version of yourself, you want to become better than somebody else, you run into trouble.

Because there will always be people around you who are better than you at each of the things that you are working on. And you can’t do anything about it. Usually, it won’t be one person who is better on all fronts, but separate people who are better at separate things, but that won’t make a difference for your well-being (it does make a difference, though, if you think about it). And this kind of thinking will lead to constant dissatisfaction and feeling of inadequacy (once again, been there, done that).

Competition can sometimes be beneficial, but I feel like especially in rope bottoming it is rather counterproductive. One of the very important threads during the round table was the fact that rope bottoming is an extremely individual and internal activity and how the core of it is being authentic to yourself and having an honest expression. If you keep on comparing yourself to others and competing with them, you begin to mould yourself in their image instead of focusing on finding your individual way of bottoming.

At some point, Saara Rei indicated that it seems to her like especially nowadays, because of the abundance of rope on social media and its growing popularity, we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other bottoms more often. When you only see people tying ‘live’ (as during the times when she was starting to get tied at Schwelle7), you only are confronted with other bottoming expressions during live rope events and even then not so much as you are mostly busy yourself.

Currently, we can be bombarded with beautiful bottoms hanging in impossible suspensions 24/7 if we wish. And it gets hard not to compare yourself with them. It gets hard to resist the wish to switch places with them. It gets hard to stop dreaming to be like them instead of developing being ourselves. But only the latter can bring us joy.

Let’s stop with the demeaning categorization of bottoms as simply ‘active’ or ‘passive’

There are many different ways to bottom for rope, as we’ve established already, but recently only two opposing camps in bottoming are being recognized, ‘active’ or ‘passive’. And there seems to be a lot of division between the two.

What was interesting to observe during the round table was the pressure to belong to one of the groups that many of the bottoms felt. And it was not because they necessarily identified with one of the notions, but simply because they couldn't escape being squeezed into one of the two boxes. And once you belong to one, you can’t help but resent the other, because each side feels oppressed by the opposite camp.

I, myself, got a label of a ‘passive’ bottom in my community, which for a long time I treated as offensive. Especially because my community consists mostly of ‘active’ bottoms, I ‘grew up’ in rope feeling like I was the less enlightened one, wanting to follow and surrender and not interested in learning how to manage my body actively in ropes. I was hearing all the time that a good bottom should be aware and active in managing their body in ropes and that the pinnacle of bottoming skills is being able to actively co-create the tie with the rigger and give them technical feedback on how to improve it.

How great was my surprise, when I heard from Anna Bones and other more ‘active’ bottoms (or at least the bottoms who are not that much into Naka-style or semenawa) that they, on the other hand, feel oppressed by the kinbaku modelling recently and that they feel like in the current narrative being able to let go and surrender in ropes is The Way in rope modelling and anything else is seen as simplistic and lacking spirit.

As it turns out, putting each other in boxes makes us all feel oppressed. And we failed to see any advantages of the ‘active’ and ‘passive’ division. It is too broad to benefit from belonging to either of the groups and too general for anyone to truly identify with it. So I think that it is time to drop it and find a better and closer to real way to define each other’s styles so that we can actually benefit from identifying with a certain style and sharing experiences with other bottoms who do.

There is no bottoming without the tops

The one thing that I was a bit sad about, was how little riggers have joined the round table discussion. I think that as much as models need to be considered and heard when talking about tying, riggers’ contribution is important when talking about getting tied as well.

And I think that as much as the importance of models' feedback in riggers' education is getting more recognition lately, hearing riggers’ voices during rope bottoming discussions is still a rarity. I hope that it is going to change soon because for me it is very important to know what riggers value in me as a model, and what they value in models in general. In the end, it is them who I want to get tied by.

Additionally, even if they wouldn’t want to give input into our discussion, simply hearing about modelling experiences is a huge learning for the riggers. When I teach in workshops and share my experiences after a demo, it is often riggers who come to me afterwards and thank me for the insight that I provided to them. And here, when given an opportunity to hear so much about modelling experiences, they did not show up.

At the same time, I also know that some people do not want riggers to participate in modelling discussions. And I understand. I understand why some people see a danger in inviting them in. I understand that they are seen as the ones who are often in positions of power and we don’t want them to dictate how we, ‘the weaker ones’, should feel and behave in ropes. Rope world is still dominated by men tying women and the history of men dictating women how they should be, and indoctrinating them, is long and painful. We do not want to repeat that in rope. We do not want to feel like others impose on us the behaviours that would make us desired. We want to be ourselves and be desired for that.

I, however, do not necessarily think that there is something wrong with wanting to give a pleasurable experience to your partner and hearing from them what would allow one to achieve that. As long as this want is not imposed on us and as long as it is reciprocal, listening to your partner and taking them into account is what makes for a great connection and beautiful scenes.

If we want the recognition for creating the scene together then we also need to acknowledge our impact on the experience of our partner and care for it to some degree. But we must care because we truly feel it and not because this is what other people (especially the more powerful ones) think we should be doing.

Being part of a community of real people is where the magic happens

Towards the end of our discussion, Saara Rei expressed how for her being a part of a community is very important. How it helped her to grow and develop. How it made her feel not alone in her ‘strange’ likings and how it can also help in going through difficult times. And in such emotionally charged activity as rope bondage, difficult times come sooner or later.

I completely agree with her. No matter how much I complain about the rope community sometimes, being able to talk with other people about our shared passion, exchange with rope bottoms about our experiences and share about how tying makes us feel, might be the most growth-inducing experiences that I’ve had.

Hearing other people’s perspectives opens my mind and heart. Knowing that there are more people like me makes me feel understood and as I belong somewhere. And in the face of a crisis, having a community of people around me who have been through similar struggles is an invaluable source of support and wisdom.

I feel like the internet is sometimes giving us a false sense of community. We feel like we can meet and share virtually, but I am not sure if such meetings are even a fraction as valuable as talking live. We feel like we can solve community problems through online discussions but I feel that such discussions are missing so much context that it is rarely leading to any real understanding.

I understand that what we do is rare and that it might be hard to meet like-minded people in our vicinity. The internet makes people far away seem close and accessible. But still, each time I spend some time doing rope in a group of real people, I come back inspired and feeling connected, even if the way that some of them do rope is different from mine. And after an online discussion, I don’t feel that. I don’t feel close to the others and like a part of something, even if it seems like we share a similar vision.

I do share a lot online and because of that, I can feel how imperfect tool that is. How easy it is to become misinterpreted or misunderstood. How easy it is for me to appear as someone who I am not.

I haven’t been discouraged by it so far, because for me writing about rope and BDSM is a way to put my thoughts in order and to extract knowledge or insights from them. But I’ve never felt like what I write can really make me understood by the readers. I do not feel like I can get close to someone who I know only virtually. Rather, consuming online content is for me a way to get inspired to conduct my own research. It is often a spark igniting a discussion but never a source of real understanding of another person.

I think that in rope bondage, the community is crucial, but we must beware of the traps of normativity and judgement. We are doing something unorthodox and risky. There is no established practice, no norms or textbooks. Sure, currently we begin to form some common practices, but they are still preliminary and a consensus about the merit of some of them is only beginning to form. The only true source of wisdom that we can have is our own experiences and the experiences of other people who are doing rope longer than ourselves.

I try to use the wisdom of the community as much as possible, but always in a combination with critical thinking. That is because I don’t feel like we’ve reached a critical mass of people tying to come to any definite conclusions. We are still in a period of research. And when it comes to rope bottoming, I feel like the research is only just starting.

That is why I think that it is crucial to talk about it and investigate. To share experiences and lessons learned. Not to find the ultimate truths, but to gather more points in the data set. We need more data and to get it we need space and willingness to share and collaborate with other rope bottoms. We need bottoms who are willing to join the investigation and to think critically about their experiences, who are open to hear opinions that are conflicting with their own and treat it not as a critique but just as a valid parallel view. We need a space in which people feel safe to share their experiences and not feel judged. But at the same time, we also need to be resilient to judgement because it inevitably comes sooner or later. Finally, we also need tops who won’t be afraid to share with us their views on modelling because there is a lot of wisdom to be learned from them. And by inviting them to the discussion we make space for them to think about our contribution.

Maybe it's just me but I feel like bottoming should be more appreciated and recognized, not just for the beauty of the models but also their depth, their resilience, the strength of their body and mind and anything for what the bottom can be appreciated. To find the things that we contribute we need to make a conscious effort to see them. To look at a rope scene with fresh eyes and notice what it is that the bottom brings to it. To not only look at what the rope brings out in the model but also at what the model allows it to bring out. And even more importantly, what does the model bring out of the rigger.

Meeting in a community of other bottoms and discussing it is one of the ways to see these things anew.

In my last article inspired by the round table, I will try to touch upon exactly this topic. What are some of the things that the bottoms can do to make the scene unforgettable? What can we do on our side to cater to our experiences? I've asked the participants what are the best scenes that they remember and what was their mindset during these scenes. And the answers that I got were more than intriguing.

A broken toy

It’s amazing how adaptable one can be to scarceness. How in the face of a shortage, norms redefine themselves. How your brain finds ways to explain and accept the new circumstances. How after the initial period of terror and panic, new means for coping with deficiencies are adopted and your life continues as if it has always been this way.

I haven’t had an orgasm in more than 1.5 months. What used to be a reason for dread and anxiety, now is just a fact of life. Half a year ago, when my orgasms were taken away from me for the first time, I’ve spent weeks mulling over it, hoping for it to change, fantasizing about being able to come freely. Now, when they are unreachable for me again, I don’t even think about it. I just live my life as if I haven’t known what an orgasm was. 

I am not sure if this is what He wants me to feel in this situation. I am not sure if He wants me to get used to the power that He has over me. I am not sure if He wants my mind to learn to cope with the suffering that denial used to cause in me. But I am also not sure if He doesn’t. I think that what matters to Him is the fact that He can do this to me and I will accept it without a word. I don’t think that He does these things to me because He wants me to feel a certain way. I think that He does them because He can. 

And this is one of the reasons why I crave to be in His power. Because there is no subserviency in the way He treats me. There is no sign of consideration of how His decisions affect me, no hidden will on His side to please me. My needs are out of the equation in our play. Anything that He does is because He wants to do it. Anything that He wants me to do is a fulfilment of His needs. All that is fulfilling the only need that I truly seem to have. The need to be disregarded and used. 

I sometimes wonder what do I get out of our dynamic and are we not taking this too far? Is it still play or has it become abuse? Am I allowing him to treat me this way because I am afraid to say that this is too much? That I want my freedom back? Or is this exactly what I desire? 

The truth is, that it is exactly what I desire. My fantasies are dark, twisted and elaborate and they have much more to do with what I don’t get than with what I get. I dream about someone having total control over me but for me to have no control over them. I want them to enjoy me whenever they please but at the same time, I want to take up as little space in their lives as possible. I want them to have power over me, but not because I want to feel like I belong to them in a sense of having a feeling of belonging and being taken care of, but because I want to feel powerless and small and unimportant. I want to feel as if my life is in the hands of someone who is completely out of my reach.

I guess that the dynamic from my fantasies is the closest to the one between a God and their believer. God is powerful and almighty and the fate of the believer is completely in His hands. There is no point in questioning God’s will because there is no way that He would change His mind hearing the arguments of the believer. They are from two different worlds and different rules apply to them. The power of God over the believer is absolute and the love and trust of the believer to God are unconditional and unquestioning. God didn’t earn it and He doesn’t reward it. There are no requirements that He needs to fulfil in order for the love to continue. It simply is.  

Of course, this is how it looks in my fantasy world and in reality, I do not play with Gods but with real people. However, the sentiment stays. And having someone disregard my human desires so deeply, having someone execute his power over me with such nonchalance brings me closer to living that fantasy. I find it exciting to be pushed so far and to see where it leads. To get so close to living the dark stories that I dream up in my head. To see how they taste in real life. With the dirt and sweat and all. I want to live it all with the pain and suffering and loneliness and not just the hot kinky sex. Because my fantasies are not just bed scenes. They are parallel universes in which I live my parallel lives. 

This is how I look at it when I lie alone in my bed thinking that I would probably be masturbating right now if only it made sense and would lead me to some release instead of just causing me more frustration. 

My feelings about these things change, however, when other people discover my temporary defect. When I have to reveal to my sexual partners that they won’t be able to make me come tonight. That this privilege has been unavailable to me for a while now and I can’t tell when it is going to change. When I see the shade of disbelief in their eyes. When they ask me with a tone of pity if I enjoy it. When I feel them distancing themselves from me after hearing me say ‘yes’.

I can feel their inability to comprehend how can this be something that I desire. I can feel that they feel sorry for me. I can also feel how they lose their interest in me. How I become less human when they find out that I can't be pleasured the way that I normally can. That they won't have a satisfaction of giving me satisfaction. How that makes me not sexy anymore to them. How they don't want to use me even though they know that being used is exactly what I want. The veil of normalcy falls off me. Now they can see my real face. And they don't understand what they see.

At that moment, I become less certain about my sanity. At that moment, I begin to see myself not through the eyes of my fantasies, but through their eyes. I see a pitiful lonely girl, disgraced and mildly disgusting in how low she will go for Him. How much she is ready to give up. And for what?

Maybe this image is closer to reality than what I see through the lens of my fantasies. Maybe this is what I really am. A broken toy, an unwanted scrap of matter. Ready to give up all the worldly pleasures for just a glimpse of a promise of His heaven. 

Heaven that is so hard to tell apart from hell. 

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.1 Empowerment and authenticity

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote someone, I do it based on my memory and understanding of what they’ve said. The participants consented to have me write an account of our discussion, however, they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below. However, I do want to acknowledge that this text wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

During the last EURIX, in the Fall of ‘19, I selfishly organized a round table discussion on rope modelling. I say selfishly because I felt a need for better defining what rope bottoming is about, what are the different ways to approach it, and what are the skills that people see as valuable and worth practising as a rope model (if any), and I wanted to use that discussion to find the answers to at least some of these questions.

Thanks to Anna Bones and Saara Rei who agreed to be my main interviewees, and the enthusiastic participation of the entire group, we raised many interesting points and I partially succeeded in finding the answers to my questions.

This is the first from a series of articles in which I would like to share direct themes that came up in our discussion, as well as my private insights that followed, to the wider public, because I think that we will all benefit from more content about the ones being in ropes.

There are many reasons why we love to be in rope

It’s amazing in how many different ways people can experience rope. When asked about what kind of rope we like and why we get into ropes, the round table participants gave astonishingly many varied and valid answers.

Saara Rei loves the slow-and-full-of-suffering kind of scenes, where her body is contorted and fixed in impossible positions. For her, the emotional body and the physical body are one and she seeks to achieve emotional states through using her body.

Rope is also a tool to achieve the stage of submission, which happens to her when she feels that her body is fully controlled by the other.

Anna Bones loves many different kinds of ropes for different reasons. Her interests span from sensual sexy floor work through dynamic and active suspensions to a complete immobilization in crazy predicaments. It all depends on the dynamic that she has with the rigger as well as her mindset on that day.

In all styles of bondage, she appreciates the claustrophobic feeling of being restricted as well as the undivided attention of her partner and the sensual experience of being touched.

To me, rope is mostly about mental and emotional experiences. As Saara, I love slow torturous rope scenes that bring me a lot of suffering and I treat the body is a tool that I use to achieve psychological states. I love to be tied in a way that I find beautiful, therefore I love traditional Japanese ways of tying, but at the same time I also deeply enjoy rope that leaves me ugly and humiliated for the psychological effect of it. Like Anna, I enjoy very diverse styles of rope, depending on my dynamic with the rope top and my mood. However, I do seek to be tied mostly by people with whom I feel some sort of D/s power exchange.

Many of the other participants also indicated that they enjoy different styles of rope. For most of the participants, the connection with the rigger was extremely important. They did not want to restrict themselves by voicing a style preference. The main goal for being in rope was having a deep intimate exchange with their partner, the exact flavour of which was totally circumstances-, and partner- dependent.

Bottoming is a lot about following but following doesn’t mean having no contribution

It was clear that for virtually all the bottoms who spoke up, following the rigger was the essential thing in being a bottom. They enjoyed being led by the rigger and they were usually open to experience whatever their partner had in mind for them. If the rigger was able to create an intimate bubble of connection with them, they did not necessarily care about the style they were being tied in.

What they enjoyed about being in ropes was the exchange between them and the riggers and the intimacy and uniqueness of each of their rope encounters. The special way in which they could truly meet their partner in ropes. They were after the pure experience of being led by the rigger and they did not want to influence that feeling by having expectations or fixed ideas about the session.

I understand this kind of narrative and I find it appealing and beautiful. I also used to think about myself in ropes as a pure follower and/or receiver. I still don’t have fixed expectations about particular scenes and I do not give directions to my riggers before tying. I do know, however, that I have my preferences in ropes. I do know in which directions I like to go and I know that I often lead my riggers there, more or less consciously. Also, I do know what kind of experiences the people who decide to tie with me might expect. Maybe I do not voice my preferences to the riggers directly, but I do execute them by choosing particular people to tie with.

I am not saying that the participants of the round table did not have specific preferences and abilities that I recognized in myself. Everybody does. But what they didn't do is to voice them.

I can’t help but worry that looking at yourself as a pure follower without recognizing your input in the scene might lead to disempowerment and passivity. Not passivity in the sense of ‘active vs passive bottoming’ which is a popular nowadays but in my opinion rather useless way to define bottoming styles, but passivity in the sense of lack of initiative, energy and input.

And I missed hearing recognition of what many of the bottoms like and have to offer. I missed hearing that they know what kind of connection they are looking for in ropes.

Because I am sure that each bottom has a lot to contribute to a scene and that we have an active role in co-creating it. Following (more or less active) is about responding to the actions of your partner with an appropriate level of energy and can (or even should) involve giving your input as long as it doesn’t overpower, but complement, the lead.

Having the knowledge of what kind of bottom you are and what kind of experiences you can create with your rigger is a power. It gives you confidence and it makes you recognize your value. And I think that the value and the contribution of bottoms into tying, no matter what their bottoming style is, needs more understanding and recognition.

Let’s be honest, being in ropes is an extreme experience

Being in ropes, especially in a semi-suspension or a suspension is putting your body in a state of extreme stress and sometimes even panic. It seems to me, though, as if we tend to forget it sometimes. We are bombarded with pictures of serene models in extreme positions everywhere on social media nowadays. Even in videos, many seasoned models don’t make a sound even in the most difficult ties.

Of course, each model has their own unique way of expressing themselves, but I am afraid that the currently popular limited expression (or rather the difficulty to depict the full rope bondage experience honestly in photography) often results in misunderstandings about how rope bondage feels. And the fact is that it is often painful and difficult, as it is, or at least it was devised as, a way to torture people.

I loved it when Saara Rei mentioned that when she teaches in workshops, she always brings the models to an awareness about the difficulty of each position, and how the first time when you experience a position is always the hardest and that they should not shy away from expressing their struggle. I would take it even further and say that if you truly feel into your body in ropes, most of the kinbaku positions always put you in a state of struggle and bring you to the edge, no matter how many times you’ve been tied in them.

I do not want to undermine the reactions of any person to rope. They are all unique and valid. At the same time, I do feel like we need more emphasis on the fact that being bound by someone, having your freedom taken away or having your body suspended in the air from thin strings of rope without any way to protect yourself is not something casual. And it should not be taken as such.

I think that it should be something that one goes into with great awareness and care. It should be something that you truly desire and need. Otherwise, you might end up abusing your body or soul without even knowing what you are doing to yourself. For the sake of a pretty picture or a moment of internet fame? That is something that I do not wish on anybody.

The essential question of ‘Why’

During the round table, we were talking a lot about the authenticity in ropes and how important it is for a bottom to be able to feel and express in ropes. How our authentic expression and not getting into this or that position, or any other external achievement, should be our real goal.

Because when we are our authentic selves in ropes, we bring something to the table. We do not only want the riggers to serve us by giving us experience, but we also have something to give to them in return. We have something to offer and we know that. That knowledge gives us confidence and establishes our worth as co-creator of the tie. We become receivers but not absorbers of rigger's energy. Rather, we transform and multiply it by adding our own personality to it.

I truly believe that before you allow anybody to put ropes on you and take away your freedom, it is important to ask yourself why do you want to get tied. Only knowing that your personality can truly flourish in ropes. Only then you can truly ‘show up’ for the scene. At least in my case, knowing why I do ropes is a source of an infinite passion and energy for doing it, fueling my drive to experience each session deeply. On the other hand, if you are doing something, but you don’t feel strongly about the reasons why, especially if you are doing something so intense and on many levels risky, you are putting your well-being in danger.

Another, somehow less serious, danger is that the activity itself performed without proper ‘why’ will become empty, mechanic and lifeless. And that is the opposite of what I believe the rope bottom should bring into the tie. I think that our extremely important role in ropes is to be 100% present, to experience and express, to add our flavour to the tie and to inspire the rigger. If we are not sure why we are doing it, if we do not feel strongly about the reasons that put us in the position of being tied, we won’t be able to fill that role.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that finding your authentic self in rope is something immediate and easy. When I started getting tied, I had no idea why I enjoyed it so much. I wasn’t able to articulate what draws me to rope. And it is perfectly understandable. It takes experience and practice to gain that understanding. It isn’t something that you are born with. It is something that you find.

The ‘why’ neither needs to be fixed, nor it has to be single. I can name at least a couple of reasons why I love to be in ropes. And I don’t expect these reasons to stay unchanged. The same as my personality changes over time, my reasons for getting into ropes will change as well. But I know for sure that I would not want to get into ropes without a reason.

In my opinion, finding your ‘why’ might be one of the most important elements of your growth as a rope model. Because it gives a direction to all the rest of your development. You stop repeating the things that other people advise you to do and you start to follow your own intuition. You begin to develop in your own unique way.

I hope that the points that might have sounded as a critique in this writing will be inspiring rather than discouraging. I truly believe that rope bottoms have an important and equal contribution to tying. Without us, rope is only a lifeless piece of material. Only when we put our living bodies and souls into ropes, the ties become beautiful. We should recognize and cherish it. We should speak more about the ways in which each of us contributes to the ties. We should be aware of the unique experiences that we can provide to our riggers. We should do rope with passion and love for it because we know that being bound is what we truly desire.

And we should not shy away from indicating our value. We should not shy away from saying that being in bondage is something extreme that we put our bodies through and wanting the recognition for it that we deserve. We should not be afraid to say that not only leading but also following is an art that should be appreciated.

And to get the courage to do that, hearing from other bottoms about their experiences, sharing our victories and struggles can be truly transformative. We can learn a lot from each other and we can support each other as fellow bottoms.

But sometimes, we can also bring each other a lot of suffering. Especially when the contact that we have with other bottoms remains virtual and distant. In my next article, I am going to share more thoughts from the round table, which centre around what being part of a community brings us. It is going to be quite different from this one, but equally insightful, I hope.

Rope as a tool for opening up one’s heart

Lately, I haven't been tied that much. For a number of reasons.

Not that much means once every two weeks when it used to be twice every week. That means a fourfold decrease in frequency. A couple of months ago, it would be devastating to me. Right now, it's interesting.
It's interesting because it allows me to observe my reactions to these new circumstances and learn more about myself and my relation to rope bondage. As it turns out, the opportunities to learn and deepen your practice are abundant if your mind is open to it.

It started in ropes

Recently, after two weeks without being tied, I finally had a date with one of my regular riggers. I was looking forward to it not only because I was rope-deprived but also because I really like to get tied by him. What I like the most about our tying are the dynamics of objectification that we usually end up in. I also like his sense of aesthetics in rope. I like to be a part of his creations.

Usually, when he ties me, I get into a victim mindset very quickly, where I feel like a poor objectified girl used by him to create what he envisioned, her responses to his actions completely ignored. But this time, I didn't become a victim when he started to bind me. This time, being in his ropes made me feel secure and familiar.

The moment the first rope of the gote started to take away my freedom, strange warmth descended upon me, I felt safe and understood as if coming back home.

Why this change?

It felt unusual for me to feel that good in bondage because I'm used to treating rope as a tool of abuse, a tool for other people to violate me with, to take away my freedom. But this time it was nothing like that. This time it was giving me back my freedom.

I think that the reasons why it was different now are the fact that I haven’t been tied for a while and my growing experience. I don't think that it was my partner who was doing something out of the ordinary, but rather that my attitude has changed.

The scarcity of rope in my life combined with my familiarity with it made me refocus and go deeper right from the start of our scene. Doing that, I discovered freedom, openness and vulnerability waiting for me right there. They didn't have to be forced out of me the way it usually happens. They were right on the surface, ready to be tapped into.

Only retrospectively I realized what had happened that night, though. And only because another, even more curious thing took place the evening after.

It continued outside of ropes

Every evening, I perform a somatic practice devised by Michaela Boehm called Moving what you're feeling. It's a very simple practice in which each day you put on the same song, close your eyes and start to move, allowing your feelings and emotions to guide the movements of your body. I do it as a form of checking up with myself as well as a way to sensitize myself and for emotional release. One song is the minimum length of the practice, but when you feel like it, you can go on longer, exploring broader and deeper what's within.

That evening, I went longer and deeper. I was moving for a couple of minutes, shifting between an upward powerful posture and a lower more submissive one when at some point my wrists crossed themselves behind my back. It happened without much thinking and led to a revelation.

The moment I felt as if my hands were tied behind my back, blissful fuzziness entered my body. It felt like the shield around my heart started melting and I became totally open and receptive. Then my hands have woven themselves into a high hands TK position, and the feeling of openness became even stronger. It felt almost as if the entire front of my chest disappeared and my feelings were spilling out of me untamed.

At the same time, I felt calm and good. The usual violence that accompanies my opening up was not there. I was willing and eager, light in my chest and connected. It felt so good that I ended up kneeling with my hands in a TK position swaying in the middle of the room for quite a while. The openness and safe vulnerability that I felt were so amazing that I didn't want it to stop.

Can rope really be a tool in achieving heart openness?

I believe that what happened to me that night was so intense because I was alone. I allowed myself to be so open because there was nobody to be afraid of, nobody to hurt me in that vulnerable state. At the same time, the position that brought me to that place was the position that I am often in when in ropes.

Therefore, I see the potential for rope to put me in that space of openness and vulnerability. More so, I expect that rope actually does bring me there, that's why getting into a gote-like position evoked such intense reaction. Only usually, this openness is preceeded with a struggle and a fight. But as it turns out, it doesn't have to be so.

I think that because being tied up leaves one so hopeless and powerless, it makes it easier to let go, to stop fighting because you can’t win this fight anyway. It makes one feel so helpless that one begins to feel safe in that position. Like a newly born child, so vulnerable and weak, but at the same time so open. It allows one to shed all the barriers because there is no reason not to. So much power has been taken away from you already that the small step of giving up, even more, is as easy as ever.

Let's not get too spiritual

It’s not like from now on, I want to always end up in the position that I've just described when in ropes. I like my scenes to be different depending on the mood that I am in, the partner that I am interacting with and the circumstances. I don't necessarily want my rope scenes to be moments of deep emotional release. Sometimes, I want sexy abuse. Sometimes, I want to create something beautiful. And sometimes, I just want to get into the physicality of it without the mental aspect altogether.

I don't see rope as a spiritual activity. I want my tying to be hot and beautiful and intense, but not necessarily spiritual. That's not very sexy. At the same time, I do see rope as something very intimate. And there might be a space for the heart opening in that intimacy.

One has to remember, however, that it's not always appropriate to go that deep, both with regard to your partner as well as the circumstances. Reaching these levels of openness and vulnerability at a rope jam with a person who you usually tie with casually would be like getting naked during a date in a coffee shop. Sure, maybe you felt free and unrestrained at this moment and you just wanted to get rid of all the clothing that was unnecessarily shielding you. But maybe the other clients of the place didn’t want to witness that. Maybe your partner just wanted to have a coffee with you. And maybe, after thinking twice, you didn't want all these people around you to see you naked either. You just wanted to be free. There are often moments, though, when it's better to stay restrained.

Still, I find this newly discovered potential of rope to open up my heart truly fascinating. And the depth that seems to be reachable through its means extraordinary. I can see all the reasons why it is possible. I can see how the restraint paradoxically makes it easier to let your guard down. You've been captured, you've lost, there is no reason to fight anymore, no reason to try to keep up appearances. Just let go and allow yourself to open up. You are being vulnerable already.

And even though I don't think that I'll look for such depth in ropes often, the sheer possibility of getting there is thrilling. The emotional catharsis that I suspected to be possible through rope now proved to be reachable. I just need to allow myself to go there when the opportunity arises. And I think that I will, now that I know how it feels.

There seems to be a common misconception about what it means to be objectified

People know that I am into objectification so they sometimes approach me to talk about it. After going through a number of these talks, I saw one common idea repeated over and over again. 

That to be objectified means to behave like an object.

For example, I am often asked: 

Is it really possible to be turned into an object without feelings, needs and desires? And if yes, what is so fun about it?

Or:

I don’t see any appeal in objectification. I like to respond and interact with my partner. I like to feel and desire. I wouldn’t want to become an inanimate thing. I like to be used and I want to experience it.

Or, in the rope context:

I don’t want to be objectified in rope. I want to be able to feel and express myself.

Like one would be excluding the other.

I’ve heard the above and similar statements so many times that I’ve finally decided to address them in writing.

Objectification is a really elusive concept and even though I have written quite a lot on the topic, I still don’t feel like I’ve properly expressed what it is about for me. I often write from the position of an object. Describing what an object would experience (or rather not experience) in a given situation. That an object wouldn’t need, that it wouldn’t desire. It does not mean that I strive to not need or desire. Rather, it explains why, when I am being objectified, I do not. Because when I am being treated like an object, at some point, I kind of become one. Not because I want to, but because my partner puts me in that position. It's not that I free myself from my needs and desires. They do it by treating me like I don’t have them. 

To me being objectified does not mean to behave like an object but to be treated like one. Objectification play for me has nothing to do with striving to act (or rather not act) like an object and everything to do with my partner behaving like I am one. And that is a crucial difference. The feeling of objectification does not come from me but from my partner’s treatment of me. 

It is a matter of origin. My starting position in objectification play is not that of an object. I do not do anything in particular to become it. It happens because my emotional responses are attuned to the actions of my partner. They treat me like an object, so I start feeling like one. They treat me like I do not have feelings, wishes or desires, like I do not feel pain or panic, so I stop feeling them. If nobody is responding when I am communicating my emotional states, if it seems like what I feel is an unimportant illusion, at some point my brain becomes aligned with the way that I am being treated and I stop feeling. 

I don’t think that it is like that for everyone who enjoys objectification. I can imagine that it can have infinitely many facets, depending on who gets involved in it. I can imagine that there are people who want to be a perfect object for their owners. Whose goal is to become as close to an inanimate thing as possible. Who strive to shed off their humanity as much as possible. For them, the origin of their objectification comes from the inside. Exactly as it is in the case of submission for me. 

If I feel submissive towards someone, they do not have to do anything to put me in that state. My submission does not come from their dominant acts, but from within myself. And I will keep on striving to prove my submission to them no matter what they do. I will keep on trying to be their perfect plaything.
But not with objectification. There, they put me in the mindset of an object only if they behave like I am one. 

Another difference between objectification play and play centred around my submission is that when I am submissive, my needs and desires are very important, even if they are being ignored by my partner. They are ignored but acknowledged. And that acknowledgement brings them into existence in the space between us. When I am being objectified, my needs are not ignored, they are simply not there. At least not in the eyes of my partner, but when I play, it is as good as them not existing, as what is in their eyes is what defines my reality.

So to answer the questions that I posed above. For me, it is possible to be turned into an object without feelings, needs and desires if someone treats me like I don’t have them. What I enjoy in that state is the feeling of freedom from my ego. The emptiness of my usually busy mind. The absence of desires, at least for a little while.

Being objectified or taking part in an objectification play does not mean that I stifle my reactions in any way. I do not put an effort into behaving like an object. That is not the point. I can behave like a human all I want, I am just not treated like one.

Being in that position does something to me. And that something is exactly what I am into when I say that I am into objectification. 

Do you know what it means to be someone's property?

It means being used, but only when they want to use you.

Sometimes it's less often than you would wish for. Sometimes it's more. Your view on frequency does not matter. They are not there to make you happy. Physical objects don’t get frustrated from not being used. Neither do they get overwhelmed from being used too much. Sometimes, they might get a bit worn out or dusty, but with proper care, it is usually fixable. Maintenance is what gives things their history and what adds to their depth. 

When one has owned something for a while and had to fix or polish it here and there, maybe it is not their newest shiniest toy on the shelf anymore, but they know that it has been through a lot with them and they took good care of it. They know that it can serve them well. They know what they can use it for and why and they can be sure that it will not disappoint them. Even if it doesn’t excite them that much anymore, it gives them something else. A feeling of reliability and at the same time melancholy over the beauty of things that are getting worn out over time, but stay with us.

It means to wait without waiting.

Sometimes, you need to wait long before serving your owner again. Time is not linear for a property. It only matters at the moment when you are being used. All the other times you are just lying around, purposeless. 

Objects don’t wait in the sense of “I will wait for you”. There is no yearning in them, no neediness. They are just there. Always ready to be picked up by their owner again, but never following them with their eyes and wishing for it to happen sooner. They will use them when they use them, and the rest is just a standby time.

It means not needing anything from them.

It means not having any requirements that they need to fulfil with regard to you. If you own something, would you ever consider what it would like you to do with it? You might think about what is it good for, what is the right purpose for it. But never what it would want to be used for. Never what it needs. 

Things don’t need anything. Their owner might need them sometimes, other times they don’t. But their property never needs them. They don’t have to consider it in any way when making their decisions. They don’t need to feel guilty when they don’t use it for a while. It is their right to do so. 

Your objects are always there for you when you need them. They are made to serve you. But not the other way around. Becoming possessed by the things you own is a curse of our modern times. A curse that you would not wish upon your owner. As much as you want them to be able to rely on you, you should not expect the same. They have more important things to tend to. They have people to care for.  

It means doing the things that they want you to do.

Objects don’t have opinions about what is and isn’t right for them to do. They don’t have likes and dislikes. As long as your owner decides that this is what they want to use you for, you are used for it. Of course, there are purposes that you are more and less suitable for. It is never a question of a wish, though, but of a capability. And usually, things are capable of way more than it seems at first sight. 

At the same time, objects don’t have their own initiative. They do not come up with ways to be used by their owner and propose it to them. They do not wish to be used in more ways than they are being used already. They are completely passive in that regard. Responding when requested to the best of their ability, but never initiating anything on their own. 

It means not getting what you’ve asked for.

Maybe sometimes your owner does wonder what it might be that you would want from them if you could ask. If you would be a person, what would you want them to give to you? It is an interesting question to ponder upon. If that plate could wish for things, would it want me to eat pasta out of it or rice? Would it want to be used every day or only for festivities? Would it want me to wash it right after use or leave it dirty in the sink so that I can enjoy my freedom and take care of it later?

Sometimes you get curious about what the things that you own might wish for. And if you could, you might even ask them out of that curiosity. Imagine that you hear their answer. “That’s interesting”, you might think, “that this is what they would wish for if they could ask for things”. And you proceed to use them for what you’ve had in mind. Because they can’t ask for things. At least not with the expectation that they will get it.

It means realizing that any treatment other than that would put you out of your place.

As a property, you might sometimes dream of becoming a person. Just like Pinokio did. You might look at the other people interacting with your owner, asking them for things and getting them and wish for the Blue Fairy to come and turn you into a person as well, a person with your own likes and dislikes, with your own needs and demands.

But then you realize that if it happens, you will lose your place. You will not be their property anymore. You will not be free anymore from feelings and expectations. You will have to start expressing your wishes and hoping for them to be fulfilled. You will have to take the space in the life of your owner. You will have to ask for things. And you might end up in a place where they do things to you that they think you want them to do, but not that they themselves want. When they start to consider your wishes and demands and disregard theirs. When you stop giving them pleasure and joy and start being another responsibility that they need to tend to.

And you recognize that this is not the place where you want to be. That this is not what you take your pleasure from. This is not what gives you the freedom of, for once, not having wants and needs that you so much cherish. This is not what gives you the satisfaction of knowing that they are free to do with you whatever they want to do without any considerations and that they know that. And then you are happily back in your place. 

Maybe I take it all too literally, but this is what it means to me to be someone's property.

Do you still want to be his property?

Because I do.

To me, rope is about eroticism

Disclaimer: This writing is an attempt at explaining part of what being in ropes is to me and what I get out of it. Because I am so passionate about it, I might at times sound like I think that this is the only way to do it or at least the best way. It is the best way for me, but I definitely don’t feel entitled in any way to tell other people what they should do in their bondage. What I will try to explain is why my practice of rope might not match with the practice of other people, why it might be difficult or even impossible to fit all rope practitioners into one community and why trying to do so creates friction that I think we are observing today. If you feel offended or attacked by me speaking my truth, I apologize. It is not my intention to offend anyone.

How ropes are erotic to me

I feel like I've been circling around this topic a lot, but I've never directly expressed it. So here I say it, to me rope bondage is an erotic activity. It can be more or less sexual depending on the circumstances but an element of eroticism is always there. 

I do find being bound by ropes erotic to the degree that I used to warn riggers who would tie me for the first time that I will most probably get sexually aroused during our session. I stopped doing that at some point because, somehow, I started assuming that before people approach me, they have already seen me being tied and have figured it out for themselves. But, to be honest, I think that I should continue to warn people about it because it is not a given (especially in the current circumstances). 

The eroticism of being in ropes is not something that I would admit easily, though. I am not proudly sexual in ropes. Rather, I usually feel like my arousal is torn out of me. Because the things that turn me on are not natural. And the fact that I am turned on by them does not make me feel proud.

Sometimes, I feel like I would rather not show this side of me at all, but in ropes, I can’t help it. Because being helpless and abused is sexy to me. I get aroused when I feel that I am at the mercy of the person who has tied me up. And the more things they do to me that I don't want, the more arousing I find it. I get excited when being degraded and humiliated. Being used and treated badly is what I find hot. At the same time, it makes me ashamed that by my reactions I might be giving evidence to how twisted I am. I find it disturbing that someone might discover my perverted sexuality. And, at the same time, it arouses me even more.

Many of these things are specific to me, though. Not everyone sees eroticism in ropes this way, and I also don’t tap into these states with just anybody.

There is also, in my opinion, a more fundamentally erotic side to ropes, which is in big part tied to the D/s or SM nature of it, as well as the visceral experience of being touched. 

I think that power imbalance in its essence is erotic. Being led is usually a charged experience. I can imagine that having power over someone is arousing and I can certainly say that someone else having power over me, is. Power imbalance creates erotic friction and what creates more imbalance than being bound and restricted by someone who can now control your body and through that possibly your mind? 

And then there is touch, which is an inevitable part of a rope bondage scene. The touch does not only come from the person who is tying you, but also from the rope itself. To me, the feeling of rope pressing on my skin is extremely sensual. I also find the pain that rope can cause erotically pleasurable. I am definitely a masochist, but I don’t necessarily enjoy the pain of impact play. The pain coming from rope bondage, on the other hand, is extremely enjoyable and often arousing to me. It is because of the closeness of rope to my flesh and the continuous embrace that it provides when applied on my body.

It is like a painful hug. It provides so much sensory and emotional input that it becomes a mixture of pain and pleasure, difficult to separate one from the other, and in its mixture, intoxicating.

How I find the eroticism of rope bondage its inevitable part

In my opinion, rope bondage is at its core an erotic activity. And although one can perform it in a non-erotic way, it requires an effort and a conscious decision to not go that route.

In hojojutsu, which is often considered one of the origins of Japanese rope bondage, as we know it today, being bound was an abuse carried out as an act of violence either to take away someone’s freedom or to torture them. Subsequently, the power imbalance and torture in the act of bondage was recognized to have a potential of being erotic by the SM practitioners and it started to be practised as an intimate act where one person binds the other, taking away their freedom, causing them pain or discomfort in a sensual way, and using their helplessness to perform erotic activities. 

Of course, the fact that in the past rope was used for the purposes mentioned by me above does not mean that it cannot be used for any other purpose. Nowadays there are people who practise rope bondage using tools and techniques coming from the erotic rope bondage but without the eroticism. I observe a similar phenomenon in tango. In its nature, it is a very sensual dance. It evokes intense emotions which are experienced intimately between you and your partner. You hug each other closely and one person (the follower) is in the power of the other (leader) in the sense that the leader dictates the actions of the follower. 

There are people, however, who do not dance in a sensual way and enjoy their dance that way. Looking at them you might still say that they dance the tango, as in, they use the same or similar patterns and they dance to tango music. They use the tools of tango, but they strip away its sensuality and potential eroticism. My question is, is it still tango or has it become something else?

The fact that you can take the sensual part out of this dance and still get something tango-like does not mean that tango does perfectly well without it. The fact that it seems like it is possible to practice tango without sensuality does not mean that it is not a necessary ingredient to really make it work.

Because when I see a tango dance like that, I feel like something is missing there. There is no ‘fire’ between the partners, the essence of the dance is gone.

Of course, that's my view as the sensuality of this dance is what draws me to it. I rarely enjoy my dances without it, but I don’t mind other couples dancing their way. I think that it is perfectly fine for them to dance the way they enjoy it. I do think, however, that it becomes problematic when people with different definitions of the dance meet together in one couple. Or when people start to demand from you to take that element out of your practice, because if they can do without it, it must not be its essential part. When people start to define the activity in a different way, but still call it with the same name. When the activity that used to be erotic and sadomasochistic by definition becomes many different things for different people and before you engage in it, you need to spend hours explaining to each other what your understanding of the activity is. 

I feel like rope bondage became so open and broad nowadays that that is what happened. Everybody has their own definition of what rope is for them. Everybody does it their own way but we are all part of the same community. It seems inclusive and open, but what it often ends up being for me is blurry and frustrating. 

How I see a rope community that I would feel a part of

To me, the advantage of being a part of a rope community would be to be among like-minded people where I don’t have to hide and pretend anymore. That we all ‘get it’ and I don’t need to censor myself when participating in rope events. But I don’t really feel that way.

Because when rope community is not anymore contrived only of a small group of perverts and SM and D/s enthusiasts, but artists, contortionists, yogis and all kinds of other people who do rope for their own reasons, the ones who belong to that small group of perverts will end up being too extreme to the others. They will end up having to, again, water down their needs and likes if they want to belong. They will have to hide and play themselves down the same way as they had to do in the wider society. 

You could say that it is fine. That they can leave their pervy erotic bondage to their bedrooms and private encounters and enjoy a more publicly acceptable practice when they are among fellow rope people. I, however, do not entirely agree. 

To me, a big part of the enjoyment of being bound is in being observed in that situation. One thing is being observed by the person who is tying you, which is an element of every rope session. Another is to be observed by perverted onlookers to whom you gave no direct consent for it. I find being in such situation extremely erotic and my impression is that in the old Japan (and maybe new as well, since rope there is still much more underground and perverted) it was often the experience of the model who would get tied in public.

The thrill was not only in her interaction with the rigger but also in having an audience who would watch the spectacle of her submission and torment. For whom she would play out their dark fantasies. And whose presence would allow her to play out her’s.

I can imagine that for a model it is an extremely intense and arousing experience. An experience that I dream of having. And although I’ve been tied in public many times, I have never felt like that. There have always been witnesses to my scenes that I felt like I was making uncomfortable or even shocked (in a non-positive way) by what was happening between me and my rigger. That they did not really understand what is being done to me and treated me like a poor victim or a circus attraction. 

Of course, that situation could provide me with another thrill. The thrill of being the centre of unwanted attention, the humiliation of being a weirdo. And as much as I can enjoy it at times, it is not what I am ultimately looking for. At least not each time when I’m being watched in ropes. 

How having people calling different things with the same name leads to trouble

I think that because the terms Shibari and kinbaku became so popular nowadays and because so many people are curious about it and so many people want to try it, we are losing the essence of what they really are (especially kinbaku as it is usually understood). We want to get accepted with our kinks and in order to get accepted, we try to make them more acceptable. We organize workshops on Shibari and kinbaku and not for a second mention the eroticism in them. We focus on patterns and techniques and forget about the spirit. 

And sure, we could say that the workshops are for practice and learning and later you can apply the techniques privately in an erotic way if you want to. But can you really learn kinbaku ties properly without having a kinbaku mindset while you tie them (or are tied in them)? Can you first learn the clean technique and only later season it with the eroticism? Will it be the same dish as the one that you would season right from the start? 

Should rope workshops be only about practising patterns and (maybe) talking about the philosophy? Don’t get me wrong, I do think that these things are important, but could we go back to perving a bit more and hiding a bit less? To using rope bondage for what it was made for and not trying to find new cleaner ways to practice it? Or at least give the people who do want to practice it this way some space and not call them snobs or elitists for not wanting to tie with anyone who asks or for refusing to tie at certain events? Some forms of bondage are for everybody, some aren’t. And I do think that it is important to get that clarification if we want to prevent accidents from happening and if we want to keep the community (or communities) healthy. 

The way I do rope is dark, erotic and sadomasochistic. I want to practice it on my own terms and I wish to find a community where this way is not only accepted, but also understood and encouraged. Where we can share our darkness and not hide behind another mask the same way as society demands us to do. 

It might mean that we need to go deeper into the underground, it might mean that we have to partly separate ourselves from the wider rope community. But if it also means that I might feel among (a subset of) rope people like I truly belong. That they will enjoy seeing my torment without feeling sorry for me. That they will not see me as a victim of abuse or a tourist attraction, but a conscious pervert acting out her fantasies and will be able to truly appreciate the beauty and the depth of my suffering, then maybe it is time to start calling the things that we do for what they are and stop putting everything into one basket? Without assigning value to any of them but simply acknowledging the differences and letting them flourish?