There seems to be a common misconception about what it means to be objectified

People know that I am into objectification so they sometimes approach me to talk about it. After going through a number of these talks, I saw one common idea repeated over and over again. 

That to be objectified means to behave like an object.

For example, I am often asked: 

Is it really possible to be turned into an object without feelings, needs and desires? And if yes, what is so fun about it?

Or:

I don’t see any appeal in objectification. I like to respond and interact with my partner. I like to feel and desire. I wouldn’t want to become an inanimate thing. I like to be used and I want to experience it.

Or, in the rope context:

I don’t want to be objectified in rope. I want to be able to feel and express myself.

Like one would be excluding the other.

I’ve heard the above and similar statements so many times that I’ve finally decided to address them in writing.

Objectification is a really elusive concept and even though I have written quite a lot on the topic, I still don’t feel like I’ve properly expressed what it is about for me. I often write from the position of an object. Describing what an object would experience (or rather not experience) in a given situation. That an object wouldn’t need, that it wouldn’t desire. It does not mean that I strive to not need or desire. Rather, it explains why, when I am being objectified, I do not. Because when I am being treated like an object, at some point, I kind of become one. Not because I want to, but because my partner puts me in that position. It's not that I free myself from my needs and desires. They do it by treating me like I don’t have them. 

To me being objectified does not mean to behave like an object but to be treated like one. Objectification play for me has nothing to do with striving to act (or rather not act) like an object and everything to do with my partner behaving like I am one. And that is a crucial difference. The feeling of objectification does not come from me but from my partner’s treatment of me. 

It is a matter of origin. My starting position in objectification play is not that of an object. I do not do anything in particular to become it. It happens because my emotional responses are attuned to the actions of my partner. They treat me like an object, so I start feeling like one. They treat me like I do not have feelings, wishes or desires, like I do not feel pain or panic, so I stop feeling them. If nobody is responding when I am communicating my emotional states, if it seems like what I feel is an unimportant illusion, at some point my brain becomes aligned with the way that I am being treated and I stop feeling. 

I don’t think that it is like that for everyone who enjoys objectification. I can imagine that it can have infinitely many facets, depending on who gets involved in it. I can imagine that there are people who want to be a perfect object for their owners. Whose goal is to become as close to an inanimate thing as possible. Who strive to shed off their humanity as much as possible. For them, the origin of their objectification comes from the inside. Exactly as it is in the case of submission for me. 

If I feel submissive towards someone, they do not have to do anything to put me in that state. My submission does not come from their dominant acts, but from within myself. And I will keep on striving to prove my submission to them no matter what they do. I will keep on trying to be their perfect plaything.
But not with objectification. There, they put me in the mindset of an object only if they behave like I am one. 

Another difference between objectification play and play centred around my submission is that when I am submissive, my needs and desires are very important, even if they are being ignored by my partner. They are ignored but acknowledged. And that acknowledgement brings them into existence in the space between us. When I am being objectified, my needs are not ignored, they are simply not there. At least not in the eyes of my partner, but when I play, it is as good as them not existing, as what is in their eyes is what defines my reality.

So to answer the questions that I posed above. For me, it is possible to be turned into an object without feelings, needs and desires if someone treats me like I don’t have them. What I enjoy in that state is the feeling of freedom from my ego. The emptiness of my usually busy mind. The absence of desires, at least for a little while.

Being objectified or taking part in an objectification play does not mean that I stifle my reactions in any way. I do not put an effort into behaving like an object. That is not the point. I can behave like a human all I want, I am just not treated like one.

Being in that position does something to me. And that something is exactly what I am into when I say that I am into objectification. 

Do you know what it means to be someone's property?

It means being used, but only when they want to use you.

Sometimes it's less often than you would wish for. Sometimes it's more. Your view on frequency does not matter. They are not there to make you happy. Physical objects don’t get frustrated from not being used. Neither do they get overwhelmed from being used too much. Sometimes, they might get a bit worn out or dusty, but with proper care, it is usually fixable. Maintenance is what gives things their history and what adds to their depth. 

When one has owned something for a while and had to fix or polish it here and there, maybe it is not their newest shiniest toy on the shelf anymore, but they know that it has been through a lot with them and they took good care of it. They know that it can serve them well. They know what they can use it for and why and they can be sure that it will not disappoint them. Even if it doesn’t excite them that much anymore, it gives them something else. A feeling of reliability and at the same time melancholy over the beauty of things that are getting worn out over time, but stay with us.

It means to wait without waiting.

Sometimes, you need to wait long before serving your owner again. Time is not linear for a property. It only matters at the moment when you are being used. All the other times you are just lying around, purposeless. 

Objects don’t wait in the sense of “I will wait for you”. There is no yearning in them, no neediness. They are just there. Always ready to be picked up by their owner again, but never following them with their eyes and wishing for it to happen sooner. They will use them when they use them, and the rest is just a standby time.

It means not needing anything from them.

It means not having any requirements that they need to fulfil with regard to you. If you own something, would you ever consider what it would like you to do with it? You might think about what is it good for, what is the right purpose for it. But never what it would want to be used for. Never what it needs. 

Things don’t need anything. Their owner might need them sometimes, other times they don’t. But their property never needs them. They don’t have to consider it in any way when making their decisions. They don’t need to feel guilty when they don’t use it for a while. It is their right to do so. 

Your objects are always there for you when you need them. They are made to serve you. But not the other way around. Becoming possessed by the things you own is a curse of our modern times. A curse that you would not wish upon your owner. As much as you want them to be able to rely on you, you should not expect the same. They have more important things to tend to. They have people to care for.  

It means doing the things that they want you to do.

Objects don’t have opinions about what is and isn’t right for them to do. They don’t have likes and dislikes. As long as your owner decides that this is what they want to use you for, you are used for it. Of course, there are purposes that you are more and less suitable for. It is never a question of a wish, though, but of a capability. And usually, things are capable of way more than it seems at first sight. 

At the same time, objects don’t have their own initiative. They do not come up with ways to be used by their owner and propose it to them. They do not wish to be used in more ways than they are being used already. They are completely passive in that regard. Responding when requested to the best of their ability, but never initiating anything on their own. 

It means not getting what you’ve asked for.

Maybe sometimes your owner does wonder what it might be that you would want from them if you could ask. If you would be a person, what would you want them to give to you? It is an interesting question to ponder upon. If that plate could wish for things, would it want me to eat pasta out of it or rice? Would it want to be used every day or only for festivities? Would it want me to wash it right after use or leave it dirty in the sink so that I can enjoy my freedom and take care of it later?

Sometimes you get curious about what the things that you own might wish for. And if you could, you might even ask them out of that curiosity. Imagine that you hear their answer. “That’s interesting”, you might think, “that this is what they would wish for if they could ask for things”. And you proceed to use them for what you’ve had in mind. Because they can’t ask for things. At least not with the expectation that they will get it.

It means realizing that any treatment other than that would put you out of your place.

As a property, you might sometimes dream of becoming a person. Just like Pinokio did. You might look at the other people interacting with your owner, asking them for things and getting them and wish for the Blue Fairy to come and turn you into a person as well, a person with your own likes and dislikes, with your own needs and demands.

But then you realize that if it happens, you will lose your place. You will not be their property anymore. You will not be free anymore from feelings and expectations. You will have to start expressing your wishes and hoping for them to be fulfilled. You will have to take the space in the life of your owner. You will have to ask for things. And you might end up in a place where they do things to you that they think you want them to do, but not that they themselves want. When they start to consider your wishes and demands and disregard theirs. When you stop giving them pleasure and joy and start being another responsibility that they need to tend to.

And you recognize that this is not the place where you want to be. That this is not what you take your pleasure from. This is not what gives you the freedom of, for once, not having wants and needs that you so much cherish. This is not what gives you the satisfaction of knowing that they are free to do with you whatever they want to do without any considerations and that they know that. And then you are happily back in your place. 

Maybe I take it all too literally, but this is what it means to me to be someone's property.

Do you still want to be his property?

Because I do.

The quiet space of being an object

It began as an intense abuse and ended in silence. They were torturing her, throwing her around, exposing and humiliating her. They were causing her pain or pleasure at their whim. They were using her for their entertainment. And when they would get tired of the play, they would leave her tied up and disoriented and start kissing and pleasuring each other. Becoming, what it seemed like, completely oblivious to her existence. 

Most of those moments were short and it was a perfect time for her to catch a breath. She didn't even have much time to think, but she did have time to feel embarrassed and out of place. “What am I supposed to do now? Am I allowed to watch them? Do I want to watch them?” she thought. It felt like being a witness to something very intimate that she shouldn't be a witness to. The fact that they've left her in the same room did not mean to her that she was also allowed to stalk them. Besides, she was already embarrassed enough by being left tied up and exposed. Watching them being intimate with each other would only embarrass her more. 

After each short break, they would come back to her, their entire attention directed, again, at giving her pain and discomfort. She wasn’t sure what she wanted more, being touched in an overwhelming amount of places or not touched at all? Being looked at and inspected closely or discarded and left alone? Each of those states was catering to her different and competing needs. Each of them longed for when the other one was being delivered.

At some point, they tied her to a chair in a corner of the room with her legs spread and her pussy exposed. A cloud of worry went through her head, “What will it lead to for me?” she thought. But they proceeded to kiss each other, getting undressed, and shortly after, making love. After a moment, she realized that she was not going to receive any attention from them for a while now. And that was the moment of welcoming the silence.

She hadn't gotten used to the experience of being an object yet. The quiet place that she went to when it happened. The overwhelming silence that was descending upon her there. The feeling of freedom and weightlessness in her mind. It felt like, on the one hand, she was leaving her body, and on the other hand, she was only a body. She ceased to want things. She ceased to wish for things to happen. She just was. She became still, her breathing slowed down. It was almost like she was melting into the background. 

Bue she loved when it happened. She loved it when her mind was freed from her ego in that way. She loved the experience of being without wanting and needing. It usually happened when she had been abandoned after a period of intense use and objectification. When, after that, she was being discarded and left in the state of an object. Especially, when she was left somehow bound or immobilized, either physically or by her need to follow orders. The fact of being used like a thing depersonalized her and in order to get out of that state, she would need to be pulled out of it by another human being, preferably the one who put her there in the first place. Just being left alone in that state did not diminish it. She was still being an object, just not one that was being used at the moment. And what do objects do when they're not being used? Well, they don't do anything. They just are. And that is what was happening to her. She just was.

When they’d finished and the girl started untying her from the chair, she was still, quiet and barely breathing. And when the girl started to ask her questions, it took her a while to realize that they were directed to her and that she actually had a voice that she should use to reply. It felt weird to talk about her needs and well-being, notions which a moment ago were basically non-existent. 

She was being brought back from the quiet space into the normal world and in order to land fully and in one piece, she needed to know one thing, "Did they enjoy it?" she asked. This was the one question that she always needed to ask after an experience like that. Did they enjoy using her? Did she bring them joy? Was her suffering fruitful? For her to assess whether she enjoyed the play herself, the only thing that mattered was whether her users did.

Their answer was positive and she could finally relax hearing that. She was happy. She had been a fun toy.

My thoughts on objectification in Japanese rope bondage and the differences between the ways that the Japanese and the Westerners do rope

Disclaimer: This post is full of generalisations as I use them as a tool for extracting certain patterns. However, I must stress that I do not claim that it is a proper description of the way that people in Japan and in the West practice rope. Rather, it is an indication of certain tendencies which I do believe, partially, to be culturally influenced. When I talk about ‘The Japanese’ I draw most of my conclusions from my experiences with Akira Naka and Suzuki Iroha, Hourai Kasumi, Shigonawa Bingo and Yoshida Yoi, all of whom I have seen live. Finally, I believe that most of the attitudes that I describe here as ‘Japanese‘ are related to the traditional Japanese culture with its arts and crafts which is deeply influenced by Zen as well as Shintoism.

Some time ago, I’ve been teaching a workshop on objectification in rope with Soptik and during one of the feedback rounds an interesting statement was made by one of the participants. They indicated that they are currently mainly practising Naka style and therefore objectification was a very unnatural (but also interesting) way for them to treat their model. I was extremely surprised by this statement because the way that I see Naka style is that it is extremely objectifying. That is one of the reasons why I love to be tied in this style so much. Of course, different people might perceive the same ties in very different ways as this perception is usually the result of the intention of the rigger and the mindset of the model. However, the discrepancy in the perception of one style by the two of us was so big that it triggered me to investigate it more. 

In more or less the same time, I was a witness to a performance of a well known Japanese rigger, Yoi Yoshida, which, added to my previous experiences with Japanese riggers, made me think a lot about the differences (as perceived by me) in the way that (most of the) Westerners do rope compared to the Japanese. Combining both, resulted in some thoughts that I decided to word here.

By no means, it is an attempt at defining some ultimate cultural truths. Rather, it is a description of how I perceive certain things, very subjective and personal and definitely open for a discussion.

For the Japanese rope is a ritual, for the Westerners, it is an adventure

I have an impression that a lot of us, Westerners is often focused on the ‘newness’ in rope. We constantly look for new positions, new emotions, new forms of expression. We are always trying to innovate. Looking at the performances of the famous Western riggers, you can see that they always strive for showing something that is, in a way, unusual. They are afraid that if they don’t, they will appear boring. 

From what I have seen so far about the way that the Japanese people do rope, I feel like for them rope is not so much about the new experiences, but rather it is about one very particular experience. They do not mind repeating the same sequence over and over again. They don’t get bored with it. Rather, they recognise that, just as in a ritual, even though seemingly it is always the same, it actually never is. Even though on the outside the sequence of your movements looks the same every time, each of those times you are not the same and your partner isn’t either, and by letting your body flow in a sequence that is so recognizable, you can awaken deep and powerful emotions within, even without much effort on the side of the rigger, just by the sheer power of the archetype.

I often hear a critique of more traditional Japanese performances that they tend to be very repetitive and if you’ve seen one then you’ve seen them all. After seeing a couple, I can say that it is partly true, there is a certain universal dramaturgy to them, a certain flow that remains more or less stable. I find it fascinating, though. Watching it is like watching Shakespear's play on stage. On the one hand, it treats about the notions that you know like the back of your hand, on the other, these notions are so powerful and deep that you can never get enough of relieving them and there is something new to be found there every time you see it. 

New things are big and bold and exciting. They can make one feel a lot. Often though, they lack subtlety. The newness is so overwhelming that there is no space for nuance. Only once you familiarize yourself with a state, either physical or mental, can you go deeper into it and start to explore it in its fullness. Just as with re-reading a book or re-watching a movie. The first time, you are focused on the plot and you mostly follow the most sensational part of it. And only the following times, you start to recognise the craftsmanship of the makers and the beauty of the language used or the particular way the image was shot.

The Japanese focus much more on the path, while the Westerners have a goal in mind

Related to the above is my impression that Japanese people, in general, are much less goal-oriented and much more process-oriented. In their view, the entire process of tying is a goal by itself. When tying, they do not have a particular end position in mind, but rather a journey that they want to go through with the model. I feel like they are much more sensitive and aware of a time aspect of the rope scene and they appreciate it much more.

I think that models in general, both in Japan and in the West, are more aware of this time dimension as it is very hard for the model to dissociate themselves from the process of being tied and only see the end result. While the tie is constructed, you have the visceral experience of having the rope caressing or constricting you, which is basically what you are looking for as a model (at least most of the time, I think). You don’t necessarily want to experience being in a particular position, but simply being tied and the states that are related to it. 

For a rigger, though, it might be different as he or she might be much more drawn to focus on the end result if they are not tuned in with the model. My guess is that the source of satisfaction from tying people might either be your impact on the model, which will draw you more into the here and now or succeeding with finishing the shape that you had in mind which can be more future-oriented. Especially in our, western, culture, we tend to appreciate the successes, but not the path that leads us to them causing people to be very goal-oriented. And I think that often spills into the way we do rope. 

Even models in the West can sometimes be goal-oriented. I often see scenes where the model is just standing there, bored and absent-minded, waiting for the rigger to finish the tie and put them in the air, which then seems to be the goal for both of them. It is always such a shame for me when I see it because I think that they miss a lot of experience.

The Japanese seem to have a more internalized notion of passing time but at the same time, it’s continuity. They don’t see the world as a series of achievements and failures but rather as a constant flow of things. And it is reflected in the way they do rope. It is about the process of putting the rope on and then off and about the mental journey that it brings you on. None of the stops on that journey is more important than the other. Their sequence and flow are what brings you joy.

For the Japanese, the model is at the centre of attention but as an object of beauty

In my experience and understanding so far, Japanese riggers pay a lot of attention to the model, but not in the same way as we would do it. They definitely understand very well that the model, including their emotional state, is a part of the tie. While Westerners often focus more on the form of the rope itself, forgetting about the model that is in it, Japanese sculpt using the model, both in the physical as well as in the mental dimension.

Having said that, Japanese riggers don’t tie for the model, the way that Westerners often do. They don’t tie to give this particular model a particular experience, but rather to achieve a certain universal effect using the model they have at hand. That is why, I think that the Japanese way of doing rope is very objectifying, even though the emotions of the model often are at the core of it. How I see it, is that in the way that Japanese riggers approach rope even emotions get objectified. 

Especially when you look at the Naka style, which is very aesthetically driven, as Naka-san developed it in close cooperation with and deeply influenced by Sugiura Norio, the emotion of the model is very much a visual output. The aesthetics of his or her emotional response is crucial. Of course, it comes from within them and the rigger looks for their real natural expression. But still, the external beauty of it is at the core of the rigger’s interest and not their internal emotional process. That is why, in my opinion, the model in her entirety, emotions and all, is treated by the rigger as a beautiful object. 

The concept of ‘muga’ applies as much to the model as it does to the rigger

There is a concept of muga, selflessness, that is often talked about in the context of the riggers. That the rigger should be empty at the beginning of the scene. He or she should have no expectations and they should let the expression of the model and the tying itself fill them in and flow through them.

Many people understand it in the way that the rigger should be empty so that they can be there for the model. So that they are not self-centred, but model-centred. That they let the expressions of the model guide them. I would venture a different theory, though.

In my opinion, both the model as well as the rigger should be muga. The model should not have any expectations of the rigger or of the tie either. He or she should be empty at the beginning of the scene and let the experience itself fill them with emotions and flow through them, emanating to the outside world and inspiring the rigger. The way that I see it, they both serve a higher purpose, which is performing a kinbaku scene. They both sacrifice themselves in their own ways in order to create something that they both find beautiful. In that sense, I see the model very much as an object in the context of a kinbaku scene, because it is not about them expressing themselves, but about being the vehicle through which the rigger can express the beauty of the Japanse rope bondage. 

In the West, we often focus a lot on expressing our personalities in rope, on making the model feel a particular emotion or on pleasing him or her. My impression is that for the Japanese it is not the case. They do end up doing all these things (maybe except for pleasing), but they are all a by-product of a kinbaku practice and not a goal by itself. The Japanese don't strive for self-expression in the way that we often do. Rather, it comes from within them when their ego is quiet and when the time for it comes.

 
Finally, I want to stress that I am not trying to criticise the people who don’t strive to do rope the Japanese way. I don’t think that one is better than the other. I am not even sure if I should call it ‘the Japanese way’ as I don’t think that there is one Japanese way in the same way that there is no one Western way. What I mostly talk about here in terms of Japanese rope is what I experienced myself, which is seeing Akira Naka and Suzuki Iroha, Hourai Kasumi, Shigonawa Bingo and Yoshida Yoi or learning from western teachers who are deeply influenced by traditional Japanese rope Masters. I do think that, even though generalizations are never entirely true, an effort taken in producing them can give one a lot of insights about the area that they are trying to generalize about.

And for me, if I practice an art coming from a certain culture, I usually want to learn as much as I can about the culture itself because I think that in order to get into the core of the practice, you need to take its cultural aspect into account as well. And only after internalising it, can you make it your own. 

People often criticise the Westerners who are trying to be too ‘Japanese’. For me, there is something beautiful about it, though. There is this art that fascinates me and that comes from a very different culture. To me, it must mean that there is some link between me and ‘them’. And maybe by exploring and trying to live that culture, I will uncover what that link is and therefore uncover and incorporate that part of myself that was so drawn to it in the first place. 

Lessons on shame, objectification and humiliation in rope from Soptik and Door

Recently, I've been a model for an amazing workshop by Soptik on objectification and humiliation in rope. He asked me to be his partner because, as he says, I'm a 'perfect object'. I guess that what he means by that is that I let people do anything to me without fighting back. And I enjoy it. It was very interesting to be able to show and share with people the states in which I love to be, but also in which I am at my most vulnerable. 

I think that teaching objectification and humiliation is a difficult undertaking. Much more difficult than teaching techniques how to tie. It's all about playing the emotions of your model, and having a command of human emotions is so much more complicated than having a command of rope.

It was the first time that I've given a workshop like that and since it was emotionally very intense, it was quite hard for me to formulate my thoughts on the topics that we’ve taught real-time. I did my best, but still many interesting thoughts emerged in my head only when processing it later. So many that I will probably spend more than one writing on them. But here is a start. 

On objectification 

Objectification is the act of treating a person as an object or a thing. - Wikipedia

In theory, it's the most severe form of lowering someone's status. In practice though, it can be much easier to take than humiliation or degradation. That is because it can put you in this state of 'not being' in which you can detach from your feelings and experiences. When someone objectifies you, you can truly become an object in your mind as well and your ego doesn't get in the way anymore. You go to this quiet place where you just exist, and let things happen to you but without affecting you. 

This was also the experience of most of the models, which I find truly fascinating. Despite being so different we basically all went to the same place in our heads. 

Suffering as an object is suffering alone

The first exercise that we performed was tying the models into household objects. I was turned into a chair and left like that while the rest of the participants started tying, having someone occasionally sitting on me.

After a while, the position got really challenging and I began truly suffering. The experience though was very different from the typical suffering in semenawa ties. The traditional suffering in kinbaku is done for the rigger while he is there, witnessing you in it. And it makes things very different and in some ways easier (but in others not).

When your rigger is with you, you're staying more on the edge, I think. You are more aware of what is happening to you and you hope that he will put you out of your misery soon. He is seeing you and therefore you also see yourself through his eyes and are more aware of your suffering. At the same time, his presence makes it easier to go through the hardship because you know that you are doing it for him and you are being appreciated. 

Here, I was all alone with my suffering. It was a byproduct and not the aim. There was nobody who cared about what was happening to me (at least that is how I felt like, in reality, my partner was having me in his sight most of the time). In a way, my suffering was pointless. That made it harder to go through on one hand as I didn't have the energy of rigger's appreciation to lift me up. On the other hand, being left alone with it made it easier to accept and easier to surrender. There was no hope for me. I was a mere object and all that was left for me was to accept my faith. 

There are not many things that are more hurtful than not being seen

There are many ways to objectify someone, which was exactly what Soptik was trying to teach. We did exercises on turning people into actual usable objects, on sexual objectification and on turning models into living sculptures and objects of admiration. Those different states were also eliciting different reactions in different models. Some caused arousal, some sadness, some going quiet and some desperation.

In general, I love to be objectified. I love to be used for someone’s pleasure, in any capacity they see fit. It gives me a lot of satisfaction and at the same time frees me from worrying whether my actions are according to the other person's wishes. I have no initiative of my own, therefore no way of making mistakes. But there is one experience in the realm of objectification that can leave me truly shattered. And that is being looked at but not seen. Especially, when it's done by someone by whom I desperately want to be seen. 

In one of the exercises, Soptik was teaching the riggers how to look at your model as a mere object. We were standing in one place and the riggers were walking around us and observing each detail of our body like we were at an auction and they were about to buy us. This kind of look makes you embarrassed at first. The sheer fact that someone dares to look at you that way, and that you allow them to do that, makes you question your worth. As long as they don’t look into your face though, it is not painful. It makes you uncomfortable and slightly anxious, but not hurt. Everything changes when they look straight into your eyes, but don’t see you. 

The moment when they turn their look at your face, you become hopeful. You start wishing that they will finally look into your eyes and see the person that you are. That they will stop assessing you like a piece of meat and really look at you, your inside and not your outside. You can't help but expect and anticipate it in a glimpse of a second and when you meet their cold stare, your heart is shattered. 

It hurts so much to be denied something as fundamental as being looked into the eyes and be seen. Somehow, at that moment it is not possible to switch off the feeling mode and become only a body. Being so close, and yet so far away, from meeting someone’s sight makes you extremely aware of that little person inside you yearning to be elevated back to the status of a human being. And when it is not happening, it hurts. A lot.  

As a sucker for emotional pain, I can’t say how much I appreciate the ability of someone to treat me like that. I can imagine that it is not easy to look at someone this way, but the amount of suffering that such a simple skill can generate is truly remarkable, so it's worth practising. 

There is no shame in being an object

In one of the exercises, the task was to sexually objectify your model. The riggers had to tie us in a position that makes us as sexually available as possible, at the same time giving us the feeling of being objectified. I was basically turned into a sex doll with my arms in a TK, thighs tied together behind my back, legs spread as wide as possible and a fabric over my head on which Soptik drew a new face for me. He also cut a hole in the fabric for my mouth and put a ring gag in it so that it stayed open. Finally, he tied my breasts, so that they became prominent and swollen. Real sex doll. 

The interesting thing was that even though I was so exposed and in a way humiliated (at least to me being so explicitly sexual and ready for use is usually humiliating), I didn't feel that way. That is because I didn't feel like a person, I felt like a doll. And a doll is not ashamed of being looked at or used. That is what it is for. 

At the end of the exercise, everyone was untied and sharing their experiences and I was still sitting there with my wide-open mouth and a doll face on which Soptik drew tears. Those tears truly reflected how I felt, like an abandoned doll, sad that nobody is paying attention to it. But even though I was exposed in front of everyone and unable to speak, I didn't feel ashamed. 

Usually, I feel a lot of shame when being publicly exposed, especially with my breasts tied like that. But now it wasn't me who was in that position. By losing my face to a piece of fabric, I also lost my shame and dignity. It was my body they could see, but not me. There is no point in feeling shame when nobody expects you to act with decency when you have no agency. 

Shame can only be born out of situations that you have some influence over, when you feel personally responsible for it and when your dignity is at stake. You are doing something indecent, but at least you are ashamed of it. It saves your face in a way. Here, I didn't have a face to save.

On shame and humiliation 

Humiliation is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It is an emotion felt by a person whose social status, either by force or willingly, has just decreased. - Wikipedia

Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness. - Wikipedia

There is a thin line between shame and humiliation. What for some people is only shameful, for others might already be humiliating or even degrading. What shame and humiliation have in common is that they require an act from a position of someone being a person, in contrast to being an object. They also might be much more mentally impactful in the long term than objectification. 

I think that it's because while it's easy to contain the experience of being objectified within the scene and detach from it afterwards because of it being so far from how you usually feel about yourself, it's much more difficult to detach from what you've experienced in a humiliation scene. The reason for that is that humiliation play uses the image that you have of yourself as a person against you. Therefore, it's something that is much more personal and that you need to be much more cautious about. 

Humiliation play needs good negotiations, aftercare and sometimes even ‘precare’

We've spent a long time at the beginning of the second day of the workshop, discussing all kinds of precautions that you need to take before you get into a scene involving shaming, and even more so humiliation. As a top, you need to get a good understanding of where the feeling of self-worth of the bottom comes from and which parts of it can and can't be toyed with. If you as a bottom have any triggers or deep anxieties that you know shouldn't be messed with, this is the time to talk about it. 

You also need to make sure that you will have time and space for good aftercare and that it's clear for both of you what would such aftercare entail. While for some scenes it's ok to just hug and part your ways, here it's really important to make sure that you both leave the scene the way you started it, not feeling bad about yourself (both in case of tops as well as bottoms).

Finally, I mentioned before that there are certain things that are better not toyed with and sensitive topics are better left out of this kind play. But… Some people (like me) like to be kicked exactly in places where it hurts the most. And that's ok as long as both you and your partner are aware of the risks that you are taking. In such case it might also be a good idea to do some ‘precare’, to ensure the other person beforehand that their insecurities that are going to be dissected soon have no grounding in reality and to make ground for the aftercare that will come later. As a top, say some good things that you can come back to after the scene. This is what we did with Soptik for example, when we played with my intelligence (or lack thereof) which is one of the things that I can be insecure about and it worked great in restoring my feeling of self-worth after the scene.

Little things make all the difference

Bringing humiliation or shame (or objectification for that matter) into your tying is about small gestures. It's not about what you do, but how you do it. 

We started and ended the day with ties that were very similar in terms of the position of my body (partial suspension exposing my crotch), but which gave me very different experiences, because of small details. 

The first one was in a way more 'light'. I was tied with one leg up and open and one on the floor with a lot of possibilities for movement. It gave me a constant feeling that I could almost hide the parts of my body (crotch) that I didn't want to be exposed. I was on the verge of feeling decent, getting in and out of it, depending on whether I thought that my foot can hide my crotch or not. Soptik kept the mood of the scene playful. He toyed with my embarrassment. I felt like he put me in this shameful position to entertain him, but also so that I have fun myself, and not to put me down. I didn't feel humiliated at all, but I did feel embarrassed and ashamed about what people could see. Still, I felt ashamed about the position that I am in, but not of myself.

The mood of the second scene was very different, even though the tie itself was similar. From the start Soptik was constantly putting my head down, not letting me look at him. Apparently, putting someone’s head lower than their heart puts them almost automatically in a state of submission. It was the case for me. I immediately felt subdued to him and because of that less prone to try and change the position, even if it was leaving me exposed. At the same time, I felt like the fact that I wasn’t fighting him was depriving me of even more dignity. 

Also, the way he was interacting with me was different, he wasn’t playful anymore. He was intentionally showing me that I am less of a human than he is. That he can do to me what he wants, ridicule me in front of all the workshop participants and there is nothing I can do about it. The tie was also more and more constricting my movements, not only leaving me feeling humiliated, but also helpless. Like there is no escape for me from that state. 

I think that making someone feel helpless really helps with humiliation. Not necessarily physically helpless, but more so mentally. Making them feel less of themselves because they are not preventing what is happening to them, but at the same time overpowering them so much that they won’t. 

And the switch in the intention in order to do that is really not that big. It is in small details of how you treat the other person and not necessarily in tying different things. 

You can't humiliate an object 

The thing about humiliation is that it undermines one’s sense of worth. The concept of self-worth is only there if the person you play with feels like a person. If they went into the mental space of being an object, they won’t feel humiliated anymore.

It was very tangible for me when we did an exercise with tying face rope in a deforming way. Having your face deformed, being made ugly, is a very humiliating experience for most people. However, there is a very subtle difference between deforming one’s face, which is humiliating and taking away one’s face, which is more objectifying. 

For example, if you tie a lot of rope around somebody’s head, covering it entirely, you make them lose their face completely and become more like a puppet. Especially if you tie their eyes as well, it is very easy for them to go into an ‘object’ headspace. On the other hand, if you tie the rope in such a way that the attributes of the face, eyes, nose, mouth, are still present but distorted, it gives much more humiliating experience. They still have a face, but it is made ugly. What intensifies the feeling is being made aware of it over and over again, for example by being presented with one’s reflection or being touched where the rope is so that they can feel how distorted they are. 

So if you want to stay in the realm of humiliation, you need to stay focused on your partner and observe whether they are not hiding in ‘safe space’ of being an object. You have to keep reminding them that they are a human, but a lesser one.

It is all happening in the head of the model

Humiliation, shame, embarrassment are all highly personal and context-dependent feelings. To be able to control them, you need to be able to get into the head of the model. To observe him/her and learn what makes them tick. 

I also think that, contrary to objectification, tools for inducing which are quite objective, humiliation and shame are very subjective and dependent on the 'willingness' of the model to go with their mind where the rigger is suggesting them to go. Possibly there are certain things that are objectively humiliating. Usually, though, they are rather on the intense side which brings them more into the degradation realm, the next stage after humiliation. 

In general, a lot of what is happening during a shame or humiliation scene depends on a story that the model is telling herself/himself in their head. The actions of the rigger are only a catalyst for it. Therefore, the more the rigger knows the model, the better, as they can approximate more accurately what is happening in their heads. 

At the same time, the model also has quite a lot of power over whether they want to go the route of humiliation or shame or not. Do they believe that what is currently done to them is shameful or humiliating? Or can they talk themselves out of it? The more context of the model's story the rigger knows, the easier it is to make them believe. 

The rigger is also part of the context. For example, while I might not be ashamed of getting aroused when playing with my sexual partner (I basically always am, though), getting aroused during a scene with a stranger might be very shameful. So even observing the model playing with others might not provide you with the necessary information. 

Humiliation is one of those things where it's really about an intimate interaction between the two people and getting to know each other's darkest secrets. It might take time to build tools to execute it, but if it's your thing, it's definitely worth the effort.

I guess that from the length of this writing (and it is still not all) you can figure out how dear the topic of humiliation and objectification is to my heart and how amazing it was to be able to show it to other people together with Soptik (who definitely is an artist in the realm of inducing it on people). It is so personal that it was hard to define for myself what could be interesting to contribute as a model in such a workshop. There is still much more to tell on the subject, but I hope that we were able to show at least part of what it means to us and that I conveyed some of it here.

I just think that I should be used

Some people might call me a slut, but I don't think that I am one. As far as I understand, being a slut is about enjoying sex and having as much of it as possible because you have pleasure from it. I don't care about my pleasure. I just think that I should be used. Other people should have pleasure from my body. That's their right.

My threshold for physical closeness is very low. As soon as I kind of like you, I will probably let you fuck me. If you realise that it is a possibility and how easy it is to get, I won't say no, because I'll think that you deserve it, just because you’ve requested it. Whether I want it is out of the question.

I think that it comes from the notion that I acquired as a teenager, that I need to repay people for physical closeness. And that payment should come in their ability to access my body. My need for physical touch and closeness is huge. Not necessarily sexual, just hugging, being caressed, kissed. Just feeling someone close to me. Being intimate.

In my youth, I thought that I can't just get it from someone without giving something in return. Somehow, I didn't feel like being close to me might be of any value to other people. So I needed to give them something more of myself to deserve the closeness. And sex was an easy and obvious currency.

So I learned to treat my body as an object and to use it to get an illusion of being close to someone. An illusion, not because they didn't want to be close to me, but because I couldn't really be close to them. Usually, because they weren't the people who I truly wanted to be close with. And those with whom I did, I was too terrified of rejection to ask.

I became a master of my way of seducing people by giving them all my attention. If I decided that I want someone to like me, I would do anything to please them. I still do it and it's not necessarily a bad thing. There is no pretending in there, they do really have all my attention at that time. The problem is that it's not sustainable and when it ends, it hurts. You can't be so focused on the other person 24/7 and not lose them and/or yourself. You should never forget about yourself in your quest to please.

Or shouldn't you? Getting to know more and more about BDSM and especially about D/s, I begin to realise that all these imprints that I have and that I used to see as negative, and which are negative in a normal world with ‘normal’ norms, are perfect for creating a successful D/s dynamic. With the right partner, my inability to be something else than a sexual object, my need to please and my hyper-focused attention on the other, are assets. As long as we both know what we are exploring and what we're both giving up and we agree to it, there is nothing negative about it.

Because can’t my unwillingness to explore my own sexual needs, and the desire to be a sexual object, be a need on its own? Why is it considered unhealthy to get pleasure not from my own physical pleasure, but from pleasing the other? Why isn’t it ok to suppress my own personal expression as a price of moulding myself to the image that someone else might have designed for me?

In today's western society all the above are definitely not valued and understood. We strive to develop the individual self, to express ourselves fully and to be emotionally independent of other people as much as possible. This kind of attitude is often portrayed as an ideal that we should all be striving for. But what if my individual expression is a lack thereof? What if I prefer to please other people than to please myself? What if I prefer to focus on other people than to focus on myself?

And don’t get me wrong, I am not an altruistic mother Teresa. I do have a lot of individual self-expression in my daily life. I do have goals, strong opinions about things and I like some people and strongly dislike others. But in sex, I just want to be used. I just want my partners to enjoy me and I want to please them as much as I can. I want to be their perfect toy. My only need is for them not to care about my needs.

It seems great at first sight, but actually it is a lot to ask. It is easy to get from someone who truly doesn’t care about you, but when they start to like you (or even worse, love you), they usually start to care about what you want. And that becomes very problematic for me.

Before I discovered kink, I had a lot of random sex with people who didn't care about me, because it was very easy to be objectified by them. But when I would start to be intimate with someone, having sex with them would become more and more difficult. They would begin to ask me too many questions about what I want. It was becoming too much about me. And when I started to think about it, I wasn't even sure if I want sex at all. I begin to wonder what should I want. What would they want me to want? Why don't I have needs on my own? What's wrong with me?

There is definitely something wrong with me (maybe 'wrong' is not the right world, out of the ordinary is better), but I don't necessarily want to change it. I found a place where the weird notions in my head can be a source of pleasure without guilt. I finally understand and accept that I enjoy the feeling that being used gives me, proxying my own pleasure using the pleasure of the other, the attention that I am getting from my user and how natural they become with me when they realise that they can just do whatever they want with me and they don't need to care about my needs. My whole life I've been working towards becoming a perfect toy (and I still am) without even realising it, and finally, I am starting to see value in my predisposition instead of considering myself a freak.

Because I just think that I should be used. Is that too much to ask for?

My love-hate relationship with deep-throating

There are not many things that leave me feeling as used and violated as being throat-fucked. And I both love it and hate it at the same time.

I love it because it's as objectifying as sex can get. The man using your mouth for his own pleasure, thrusting his penis deep into your throat, disregarding your pain and discomfort, disregarding your inability to breathe, the choking and the spit covering your face. Oh no, at this moment he definitely doesn't care if you're pretty. At this moment you're just a hole. At this moment it's not about your skills, it's not about you giving him pleasure, it's about him giving himself pleasure, using your mouth. And the less human reflexes you have, the better.

I love it because it hurts in the most uncomfortable of ways. There is nothing pleasurable about having your throat stuffed with someone's dick, which is hitting the back of it, filling up your mouth and blocking your access to the air altogether. There is nothing enjoyable in the way it hurts when he slums his penis into your mouth, violating delicate tissue that it’s covered with. Face-fucking is definitely not what my mouth was made for. When he pushes my head onto his cock so hard that my gums start to hurt from it, the last thing I would call it is feeling good.

I love it because it makes me feel so degraded, so low. What kind of girl would let someone do this to them? And enjoy it? Thinking about it makes me feel so ashamed that I can't even look into his eyes when he fucks me. I can't bear him seeing me at this moment. I want to stay invisible, to not take part in this spectacle of my debasement.

I love it when days after my throat still hurts, and with every swallow, I'm reminded of the things that he did to me.

Finally, I love how subjugated to him it makes me feel. How it reminds me that I will let him do anything to me for as much as a scrap of his attention, and how much I belong to him. But even more importantly, it is proof of him accepting my gift. And it makes me the happiest person on Earth to see it being put to use. To see him dispose of my body as of his rightful property, which it is.

Did I also mention that I hate it? I do. I hate everything about it.

My reflections after reading ‘Story of O’

This writing contains spoilers.

It’s way too late for me to read this book only now, but better later than never, I guess. It is such a deep account of a mind of a woman who gives herself entirely to someone else and it stirred up so much in me that I just had to collect my thoughts together after reading.

My dark side is darker than I thought

First of all, reading this book made me realize that I might be even more fucked up than I thought I am. Because no matter how much I don’t want to admit it, there is a part of me that truly envies O. And it’s not naive childish envy without realizing the consequences. I think that by now I can have quite a good feeling of what being in her place would entail. And I still kind of want it. Not just the sex and the pain and the loss of control over your body. I want her brokenness and her despair. I want her transformation and the total loss of dignity. I want the disintegration of her ego in the name of the man who owns her.

And believe me or not, but writing about it is really scary. It’s scary because it reveals my darkest side which existence I don't necessarily want to admit to. In the same way, as dominants are sometimes afraid of the darkness that lies within them and that revealing it to other people will cause losing them, I am also afraid of revealing my darkest desires. At the same time I feel like if I don’t, they will only grow until they really get out of control.

Because I think that as much as it is scary for a submissive to play with someone who has a really dark side that they must keep at bay or otherwise things will go really wrong, it is as scary for a dominant to play with a submissive who has such dark side. In a different way of course. Because the dominant knowing it about me will not be afraid of me hurting him irreversibly. He will be afraid of him doing it to me and me not telling him when to stop. And there is a part of me that will not want to stop.

I realize that being in such an intense dynamic as O would basically fuck up my life. I realize that I would lose my identity. Because it is not possible to be exposed to such extreme situations of mental degradation and humiliation, to be stripped away of any control over what is happening with you and your body and get out of it unscathed. It would break me. And exactly that brokenness is what is luring me. Because I am curious what lies beyond that state. Would I be able to build myself up again?

In my teenage years, I loved reading fantasy books, because they were full of stories of people tortured physically and mentally and subsequently broken and becoming pets of their enemies. I devoured those stories. And not because I am a sadist and enjoyed reading about their misery. On the contrary, I enjoyed putting myself in the position of the victims. Imagining me being in their place and experiencing all the humiliation and tortures and slow breaking of my spirit. Watching myself becoming docile and obedient.

The interesting thing is that as much as I enjoyed reading about the breaking, I also very much enjoyed the rebuild. Because in the end, they were always becoming stronger. In the end, they always managed to get free and were starting the slow journey of rebuilding themselves. And after that was done, they were even fiercer and stronger. Because once you lost everything that you thought holds value and you’re still there, your perspective on who you are and what really is worthy, shifts entirely. And I think that that is one of the things that I am really interested in. Would I be able to repair myself after being so broken? And what kind of person would I become after that?

I started to appreciate much more the possibilities that the physical pain gives

My journey into kink started with humiliation, as this was what my first kinky boyfriend was very much into. After him, I quickly moved into the realms of physical pain though. I had a period of being extremely masochistic and looking mostly for physical pain in play. But then, after a while, something shifted in me and my kinks made a full circle back to humiliation, while I stopped enjoying physical pain so much.

I am not sure whether it is my auto-sadistic brain that decided that I will have more fun if I actually don’t enjoy pain, as it will increase my mental suffering, or whether after the first period of hormonal high, I decided that there is not enough depth for me in the physical pain domain, but the fact is that currently, I am in a period of appreciating mental pain much more than physical. More than that, I basically stopped enjoying physical pain altogether. I think that one of the reasons might be also that the people who give me pain nowadays are often the ones with whom I feel very submissive and from whom I wish only tenderness.

Reading ‘Story of O’ I started to see physical pain in a new light again. Not as a source of potential pleasure, but rather as a way to intensify my misery and as a catalyst for a mental breakdown that otherwise would be very difficult to achieve. And that got my attention.

I realized that being physically tortured really does something to you that possibly nothing else can. It makes you docile and obedient. It trains you to accept your faith and it shows you that you don’t matter. Of course, you can possibly achieve the same results with mental abuse, but something tells me (although I can’t explain why) that the results would not be exactly the same. There is something urgent and inevitable in the physical pain that mental abuse does not have. I don’t think that it is only the speed with which it causes the person to break, I think that it is also the way that it makes you break that is very different and quite interesting.

There is also another aspect of corporal torture, and especially the marks that it leaves that 'Story of O' revealed to me thanks to one sentence.

"Sir Stephen readily admitted that O was infinitely more moving when her body was covered with marks, of whatever kind, if only because these marks made it impossible for her to cheat and immediately proclaimed, the moment they were seen, that anything went as far as she was concerned."

I’ve never looked at it this way, but it makes so much sense that the marks are something to be ashamed of (or that one should be ashamed of) because they show that anything goes with me. They prove that you can treat me as badly as you wish and I will let you do that. I was always covering my marks, but more because I didn’t want uncomfortable questions. I’ve never looked at marks though as a source of shame about my lack of dignity, as a sign that I will let others do anything to my body. Now I can see it, though. And it offers lots of new exciting possibilities.

There is definitely something of a slave in me

There are many aspects of being a slave, like O was, that appeal to me. Above all, the lack of control and disregard with which other people are treating you. As a submissive you still have dignity, you belong to your Dom and it is something that you can be proud of. He is proud that you belong to him. You obey his orders, also because you know that he values you and he wants the best for you. He cares about you. Other people see that and respect you for that as well. But the position of a slave as was shown in the book is different. And in a way much more appealing to me.

The thing with me is that I don’t want to be cared about and respected. At least my dark side that I feed during play doesn’t. I want to be truly disregarded. I want to be used. And that is why the situation of O was so alluring for me. Because sir Stephen was truly disposing of her as if she didn’t matter to him. Or else, she did matter to him as your car would matter to you, but he definitely didn’t consider her feelings. They were completely out of the question. To him, she wasn’t a person. And she loved it.

"Would she ever dare to tell him that no pleasure, no joy, no figment of her imagination could ever compete with the happiness she felt at the way he used her with such utter freedom, at the notion that he could do anything with her, that there was no limit, no restriction in the manner with which, on her body, he might search for pleasure. Her absolute certainty that when he touched her, whether it was to fondle or flog her, when he ordered her to do something it was solely because he wanted to, her certainty that all he cared about was his own desire, so overwhelmed and gratified O that each time she saw new proof of it, and often even when it merely occurred to her in thought, a cape of fire, a burning breastplate extending from the shoulders to the knees, descended upon her."

And that’s definitely something that I identify with very strongly. To belong to someone who really uses me for his own pleasure disregarding my feelings completely is the greatest of joys.

I also loved all the small things that Rene and sir Stephen instilled on O to remind her at all times who she really is. How her lips always had to be slightly open, her legs never crossed and her clothes such that they are always easy to take off and have their way with her. I can only imagine how such small things can have a huge impact on one’s psyche. And that was only the beginning.

She had to expose herself whenever sir Stephen ordered her to, no matter who else was in the room. He would make his servant beat her, and give her away to his friends for use any way they wanted. Finally, in the last scene, he put her naked wearing an owl mask in the middle of a party, where people treated her as some weird animal, touching her and looking at her, but not once saying a word to her. She was just put in the middle of a crowd like some sort of cheap entertainment and after that used by the men who brought her there.

All these things are fantasies of mine. To be stripped away of my dignity, slowly broken into obedience, disgraced publicly, given away to anybody like a thing. To be put in a crowd for entertainment and really be treated as such. To be truly disregarded by a mob, have everyone around me treat me without respect. Isn't that how slaves are treated?

The thing about a slave in a D/s sense that doesn’t suit me though is that it seems to me like it is an awful lot of work for the Dominant/Master. Because having someone’s life in your hands is a huge burden in my opinion. Deciding about each aspect of someone else’s existence requires a lot of effort. They consume a lot of your attention. It requires a certain devotion from the owner. And I often feel that I couldn’t ask for that. Because I feel that I wouldn’t want to take so much space in someone else’s life. I am not sure if it is because of my tendency to be independent and to make my needs as small as possible or because I wouldn't trust my life to anyone to such a degree. But it's a reason why I don’t see myself as someone’s slave.

What I do see myself as is a toy. Their’s to play with whenever they please, in whatever way they please, and independent and self-sufficient whenever they get busy with their lives. Of course, in such circumstances, you won’t reach the level of devotion and depth that’s possible when you belong to the other at all times. But you also don’t become a burden that you might become as a slave. At least that is how I feel about it and being a burden is the last thing that I would wish to be for my Dominant.

___

Reading this book was quite a ride for me. I can't believe that the author managed to describe the process of falling deeper and deeper into submission and the feelings of the submissive so well. And how many times I wished I was in place of O. I don't think that I ever will get to that point. But the repertoire of my fantasies definitely has grown substantially after the read.

Defining a Toy

I love to figure myself out. And lately, I've been asking myself a lot what does it mean that I identify as a Toy? Why do I feel like it fits me better than a submissive or a masochist that I’ve labelled myself before? Because it's not like I am not submissive or not masochistic. I am. But there is something about Toy that gives a distinct flavour to all the other roles that I identify with. And it really speaks to me.

Because what I want above all is to be played with. And now you can say, “Well, that’s not very special. All kinky people want to play. That’s what we are here for.” but what I mean is that I want to be toyed with, physically and emotionally. And above all, I want to be a source of entertainment.

The origins

Since I remember, I would let my friends make jokes about me and laugh at me. It never bothered me much. What they were saying was funny, they were laughing and I was laughing with them. Other people were sometimes surprised why would I let someone ridicule me like that, but I didn't see anything wrong with that. It's not like I wasn't able to cut their jokes if I wanted to. I wasn't a victim of bullying. I would never let someone whom I didn't like to make jokes about me. It was a privilege for the people whom I really liked. And the way that they were making jokes usually showed how much they knew me, which I was finding really pleasing. They were appreciating my openness and sense of humour and I was happy to be a source of entertainment for them.

I have also always loved to be manipulated. And again, it's not like I couldn't prevent it from happening. I usually knew perfectly what the other person was doing and I could stop it if I wanted to. But I didn’t because I preferred to enjoy their craftsmanship. I let them lead me wherever they wanted to lead me because I appreciated their effort. They were having fun with steering my mind where they wanted it to go and I was having fun being steered. I was glad to be able to give them pleasure like that.

These situations repeat themselves in kink. I like when my partners are mean to me or when they ridicule me. I like when they make the most painful jokes about me. I also love when people are manipulating me in play. When they send my mind in different directions while preparing a trap exactly where I least expect it. I appreciate their wit when they are doing so. I appreciate when they show that they know how to control my thoughts and when they know where to strike to hit me the hardest.

And I am happy to be the person for which they don’t need to censor themselves. There is something appealing in being mean to others and in using others. There is an undeniable joy in malice and in having power over someone. I like to be the source of that joy. I like to provide my partners with this kind of entertainment. And isn’t that what toys are for? For letting other people simulate situations that they would enjoy in real life, but which for some reason are not available to them? And, of course, for entertainment?

I want to have the attention of the other

I think that one of the main reasons why I enjoy all of it being done to me is that it gives me the attention of the other. And what does the toy want more than attention? Its only use is being played with, being entertaining to its owners. If it is granted their attention, then it means that it's serving them well because they want to play with it. If they don’t, then it's failing its purpose.

I love the attention. And when you give yourself fully to someone, you do get all their attention. If they want to use you to play their games, to elicit the emotions that they enjoy seeing in people, then they need to learn you. And for that, they need their focus to be on you. And I love that. I love when people are reading me, when they are seeing me and when they are figuring me out.

I think that part of me thinks that the only way in which I deserve the attention is when I am being useful to someone. The only reason why someone would want to see me is that I can serve them in some way. Part of me believes that I need to be pleasurable to the eye and entertaining at all times for others to notice me. That otherwise I am not worth their attention.

It is a part of me that now fuels my play. And I kind of love it, as it lets me have tremendously intense dynamics with people. I feel like I am in a way channelling my insecurities and my inner pleaser into play. And it allows me to partly eliminate it from other parts of my life. In play, I bring it to such an extreme that I start to see better how ridiculous it is to think that way in general. Also, having time for honest aftercare, when you hear from your partners how they value you for who you are is great for silencing the insecurities. But still, I wouldn't want my attention-seeking, pleasing self to go away entirely. In the end, it is the foundation of my toyness.

I want to see what they do with me, once they realize they can use me as they please

I'm so eager to be played with that I make it extremely easy to engage in play with me. I don't want to make it difficult. I don't want to be conquered and for my submission to be earned. I enjoy submitting way too much. I yearn to be in that space. I want the dominant to take me, to ‘have’ me. That's where the fun starts. I want to see what they are going to do with me. How are they going to use this toy that dropped so eagerly into their hands?

I used to be worried that maybe it's boring. Maybe dominants enjoy the struggle? Maybe they enjoy conquering the submissive, maybe they enjoy making him or her submit?

I don't think so anymore. It's not like the way I am is worse or better. It's just different. For me, the fun is not in having the power being taken away from me. I'm usually handing it over willingly. For me, the fun is in seeing and experiencing what the dominant decides to do with that power. In having a peek into his or her twisted mind. Is he or she thinking what I am thinking? Knowing that I will be willing to do most of the things that they might be fantasizing about, which of them will they decide to put into reality? And how will it affect me?

I want to be used and disregarded

I am not very specific in terms of play that I enjoy doing. Or maybe I should put it differently. I don't pay too much attention to my preferences when it comes to play. There are things that I do like, like rope bondage or being manhandled or knife play. But even apart from these, I can find pleasure in almost anything. Because what I value more than my own enjoyment is being used for the enjoyment of the other. And if it so happens that what they enjoy is not necessarily into my liking, that is even better. I want them to do it anyway because it is not me and my preferences, which are important in this game. I am just an object for them to entertain themselves with.

I love for my needs to be disregarded, not taken into account. I love when the dominant uses me for his or her pleasure. As a Toy, I don't think that my needs should be considered. Ideally, I should not have any needs. I do, though. I could see it as a flaw, but I don’t because I think that it makes it all the more fun for the dominant. As long as he or she enjoys objectifying and emotionally torturing other people. And those are the people who I am usually used by.

I could enjoy the things that are done to me just because the dominant is enjoying them. I believe that some submissives have that. Feeling pleasure from the fact that you are pleasing your dominant. I usually don't. I can be pleased after the scene if I was able to provide them with entertainment but I don’t feel pleasure during the scene because of the fact that the dominant is enjoying themselves. During the scene my discomfort and distress are real. I truly don’t enjoy the things they do to me. Which gives me all the more pleasure afterwards when I contemplate what they did. And which makes me fun to play with for emotional sadists. Because what fun it is to torture people when they find pleasure in what is being done to them?

I want to be a source of entertainment

I’ve mentioned it before and it is a bit tied with wanting the attention, but I feel like it deserves a separate line of thought. Because the thing is that I feel like in order to be able to deserve the attention, I need to be entertaining to others. And what kinds of Toys are the most entertaining? Interactive ones, I figured.

So I am very responsive in play. I react to everything that the other person is doing to me. They provide action and I am giving them the reaction. As I’ve said, I want people to read me, but at the same time I so much want to be played with that I don’t want that reading to be too much of an effort for them. I want the process of reading me to be fun because I am worried that otherwise, they will get bored before they get to the bottom of it. So I want to make it fun from the start, but at the same time to let them know that there is much more to be discovered.

I guess that if I would be a toy sold in a shop, the label on my packaging would read something like:

“This Toy is entertaining, but complex. It has many layers. Peeling off each one of them is a pleasure in itself, but it also leads to something even more enjoyable and even more intricate. So keep discovering it.”

I like to play with people, who enjoy that complexity. If someone gets satisfied after the first layer, I am kind of disappointed. I feel like screaming, “But there is so much more to me than this, don’t you want to play more?”

I like curious people. The ones who are able to discover many of my uses. The ones who are inventive. Because the thing is that even I don’t know all of my uses. When people play with me, I am playing right by their side. Peeking from behind their shoulder at my own reactions. And I am equally fascinated by them as they are.

I want to be used by many

I am not a kind of submissive that devotes herself to one person only. At least not to the best of my knowledge. I can be extremely devoted to one person at the moment, but I feel like I wouldn’t want to play exclusively with one person until the rest of my life. As an object of pleasure, I want to be enjoyed by many. I want to see what each person would do with the possibilities that I have to offer.

I am not saying that I wouldn’t like to be a beloved Toy of one very special person. But people rent their toys, even the beloved ones, to very special friends from time to time. If they are fun, then it is a shame to play with them all alone and not share with others.

Another thing that I discovered recently is that my need to please and entertain is not limited to the people that I feel submissive towards. I want everyone who plays with me to have fun. I will try to do what pleases them, just so that they are having a good time. I will let sadists hurt me because they enjoy giving pain. I will be sensual with people who enjoy sensuality. I will do as I am told by dominants because I want them to keep playing with me, even if they are not my dominant and I don’t really feel submissive towards them.

My draft definition

I think that the love for being treated like an object, combined with a need for being given attention and to be interacted with are very toy-like properties. Add to it the feeling that my purpose is to be entertaining and the extent to which I am willing to go to provide this entertainment, together with being open to being used by many and I feel like some sort of defining traits start to clarify.

I feel like all my other kinky traits revolve around being a Toy. Both my submissiveness and my masochism are flavoured by my toyness. My submission is very use-oriented and interactive. My masochism presents itself only when I can see that the other person enjoys seeing me enjoying the pain. But the Toy is always there and it is overarching everything else.

Finally, I don’t think that the things that I wrote about are all there is to it. But it is a good start. And I will keep digging until I define this elusive identity of mine.

He likes to have his toys the way he likes them

“Which one do you like the most, ‘down on all fours’, ‘sex doll’ or ‘ragdoll’? You can choose,” he asks me about the states that he can put me in, using triggers that he planted in my head during a hypnotic trance.

As always when he asks me these kinds of questions, my mind short-circuits, “He asked me a question. What should I answer? What answer will make him happy? I should answer, he is waiting and he will not be happy about having to wait. But what answer is the right answer?“

In reality, there is no right answer of course. He wants to know my preference. Not that it is going to influence his choice in any way. But he is curious and he wants to get to know me as good as possible. If only to be able to apply his cruelty even more precisely. The more he knows me, the better he knows where to strike to hurt me the most.

I am not able to give him an answer quick enough though. I am too anxious about him not liking my choice. Plus, to be honest, when he is around, my preferences hide in very dark corners of my psyche. All I can think of is what he wants. If I would answer, I would probably choose the state that I think he likes me in the most. I can’t think about myself when my mind is pushed so deep into submission by his dominant aura. I disappear. All that matters is his pleasure.

“You won’t answer? Too bad. I will choose for you then. ‘Down on all fours’ on.”

I position myself on all fours on the bed. My elbows are bent, forearms lying on the mattress, palms down. My ass is up and my legs are spread, open and ready. The final touch is the head tilted up and the mouth opened wide. Now, all my holes are clearly visible and easily accessible. The moment I am in the position, my body freezes and I can’t move anymore. From now on I am his sex toy for use. Only my eyes still belong to me. Tracing him until I lose him out of sight.

He touches my breasts, squeezes them, “I like your breasts. I like how they jump when you ride my cock like a horny little whore.”

This comment stings, but I can’t react. Only my mind is squirming from embarrassment. I usually like my breasts to be touched. They are very sensitive to touch. But in these circumstances, his touch feels objectifying and violating. He doesn’t treat me like a person, but more like a toy or an object. He is touching his property that he is going to use for the next hour.

He proceeds to my pussy, running his fingers over it, brushing it lightly. Again, it doesn’t feel like he is touching me. He doesn’t touch to connect, to give pleasure. He touches because he can. He strokes his trophy, admiring its beauty.

He spreads my labia and investigates my cunt, “You have a nice pussy. I haven’t noticed before. I was too busy using it, I guess,” he laughs.

I stiffen even more if it’s possible. I don’t like it when people look at my pussy. Especially when they investigate it so thoroughly. I become extremely ashamed of the fact that I have one. I become very self-conscious and all I want is to just disappear so that he stops looking at me. He finally stops and moves over to my mouth.

He is already hard from the blowjob that I gave him before he turned me into his powerless object of pleasure. According to him, I am an extremely gifted blowjob giver. Very eager and devoted. I guess that it is true. I love giving him pleasure in any form, and sucking his dick is very pure in the sense that it is truly all about him (although he has his ways to increase my pleasure of it if he feels like it) and it gives me a great opportunity to show him how much I want to please him.

He thrusts his penis into my wide-open mouth and starts to fuck it. I start to gag almost immediately as he hits the back of my throat, but I can’t do anything so I just start to drool extensively and gasp for the air.

“I want to cum inside you today, not in your mouth,” he says when fucking my throat and laughing.

He loves seeing me so helpless and abused. And I love the thought of him cumming in me. I don’t know why, but I find it extremely pleasurable when a man climaxes inside of me. It gives me a feeling of closeness, of intimacy. I am one of those lucky girls, who cum pretty easily from PIV sex and it usually happens a couple of times during one fuck. It makes me extremely happy when he also cums from fucking me. It somehow makes my pussy feel content and accomplished. So, I am thrilled when I hear that He wants to cum inside me. If only I could have guessed the circumstances of how it is going to happen, I wouldn't be so joyful.

Being done with my mouth, he decides that he wants me in a different position, “’Sex doll’ on.”

At first, I do not react as I was on all fours and the ‘sex doll’ position is on my back and somehow my brain can't make the connection of how I get from one to the other.

He looks at me and says, “Turn on your back and turn the ‘sex doll’ mode on.”

Finally, I understand. I follow his orders obediently. I turn on my back, raise my legs, bent to 90 degrees, I bend my elbows and lay my arms next to my head, palms up. I open my mouth wide again. That is the correct position, so my body stiffens again. As soon as he enters me, I start to moan like a cheap porn star. Exactly how we instructed me to do when he set up the ‘sex doll’ mode. It feels wrong. It is pleasurable, but the way I am communicating it doesn’t feel like me. It is mechanical and fake. Exactly how he wanted it to be.

He starts fucking me harder and my moans grow louder. It feels good. I start to slip into the mindless state of a sex doll where all I can feel is his penis filling me up and how pleasurable it is to be fucked by him. But somewhere at the back of my head, it doesn't feel right, it doesn’t feel like me. He is using my body and I am reacting to it, but we aren’t having sex.

“‘Sex doll’ off,” sounds in my ears suddenly.

The moment it happens, I embrace him and moan for real. I am finally myself having him inside me. It feels amazing. I am so happy. I start to move my body in his rhythm. I didn’t expect him to get me out of the ‘sex doll’ mode, but I am so glad that he showed me mercy.

“Do you know what you are missing now?” he asks.

I don’t have to think long about the answer. He means a ball gag. I don’t think that we've had sex even once without me being gagged, at least for some time. As soon as his dick enters my cunt, I am either gagged, or my mouth is spread open on his order, so he can spit in it, or my face is swollen from being slapped by him. Not sure which one has my preference, except for the huge ball gag. That one is definitely my least preferred option. I don’t think that it matters though.

“A gag?” I ask.

“Yes, you are learning. Good girl. Big or small?”

I hate his questions. He makes it seem like I have a choice when in reality I don’t. I know that it doesn’t matter what I say, he will do whatever he feels like, but I still can’t help but try to come up with a strategy to avoid the outcome that I want the least. 

“Should I ask for the small one or pretend that I want the big one?” I wonder.

It is ridiculous because obviously, I want the small one and the question is rhetoric. But I still can’t help lying to myself that I might have some influence on his decisions.

Fortunately, he left the huge gag somewhere else and I got the smallest one. I am very grateful for that.

“You see, I am being nice to you. I gave you a small gag. Aren’t you grateful?”

“Thank you,” I splatter through the gag in my mouth.

He trained me well to get over the shame of talking with a gag and other things in my mouth. I don’t hesitate before doing it anymore. I know that it is no excuse for him.

He proceeds to put a blindfold on me. He likes to take things away from me. Speech, sight. These are privileges that I don’t need when serving him as his fuck toy.

“Hands and legs off.”

My arms and legs fall lifelessly on the bed. It makes me anxious and frightened.

“It’s not like you need them,” he says. “Now you are what you ought to be. Just a body for me to fuck. Helpless, unable to move. You can still feel and you are aware, so don’t complain.”

That’s true. I am grateful for having a conscious mind. I am grateful for being able to feel him inside me, to react at least slightly to the pleasure that he is giving me, to be able to stay aware and connected to him, when he is fucking me. I can’t move my arms and legs, but how could I have expected for him to have sex with me with my arms free? That simply doesn’t happen.

He penetrates me deeply, I feel thrusts of his penis in and out of my cunt. It feels so good to be filled by him. My pussy is pulsating with pleasure. I am thinking that he is going to cum inside me. I can feel him getting harder and bigger, his moves become more powerful. And then he says it. The words that I was so afraid to hear, but I was hopeful that he won’t do it. I hoped that, because it is our last time for a while, he will want to fuck me.

“‘Ragdoll’ on.”

My trunk and head relax and my mind goes blank. I stop moaning through the gag. I stop being myself. I become a mindless and powerless body. Trapped under him. My real self far away. He smirks and continues to fuck me. I struggle hard to remain conscious but I can’t help slipping away into blankness. I become more and more relaxed as I feel his thrusts in and out of me. In and out. In and out. His breath is getting deeper and his moves more forceful. Finally, he pushes himself really deep into me and cums. I can hear his self-satisfied sigh. He takes his penis out of me.

“‘Ragdoll’ off,” he says and proceeds to take off the blindfold and the gag.

I sigh and start to sob. He hugs me and kisses on the forehead. Now is the time when he will be intimate with me. I served him well.

He appreciates and values it and makes me feel that, “You’ve done well. You’ve been a good girl. I am happy with you.”

That makes me both extremely happy and very confused.

I can’t believe what has just happened. I’ve never felt so used. Especially not by someone with whom I want to be intimate with. We've just had sex and he’s just come inside me and I missed all of it. I wasn’t there. He took it away from me. Part of me hated him for it.

At the same time, he just let me experience objectification in its purest form. He made me feel something so strong that I couldn’t even imagine that it is possible. And he found it hot and sexy. He was glad he could use me this way. He enjoyed me in this mindless from. And I was so glad to be able to give him that.

Because I enjoy it too. I enjoy how he trained me to take any kind of hardship from him and not even expect anything else. I enjoy having him use my body the way he likes and minimizing my participation in it. I enjoy having all the power taken away from me. I enjoy being his toy.

And he likes to have his toys the way he likes them, mindless, powerless and entirely at his mercy.

And I can’t imagine a more suitable state for me to be in.

An ultimate loss of control

Objectification is one of my biggest fetishes. I love to be treated like I don't matter. I love to be used and for my needs to be disregarded. I love to hide in this safe space, where I don't need to put myself out there. Where my sole purpose is to be. Where I don't need to make any decisions, because it's someone else who decides what my actions should be.

It's degrading to be treated as an object. It can also be humiliating, depending on what purpose I serve at the moment. It makes me go really low. It teaches me to forget my ego. It strips away my pride. I like it and I need it. In normal life, I tend to be very outspoken and present when with people. I like to express my opinions and I like for things to go my way. I want to be seen and I love attention.

In play, I love when my partner intentionally does the things that I don't want or denies me the things that I do want. In a weird way, it proves to me that they care about me. By intentionally not giving me what I want, they show that they know exactly what it is, but they are not going to give it, because they are the ones who hold the power. I like to be put in place this way. I like when people teach me a lesson.

In normal life, I tend sometimes to be in a way ‘bratty’, or ‘difficult’. I think that I test people this way. I want to see who will go against me. Who is going to play my game and who will just ignore it and do things his/her way. I don’t often find the latter, but I damn sure find it sexy. Because in the end, I do think that sometimes my behaviour really deserves it. Sometimes I am amazed at myself by how cheeky and tiring I can be. I look at it from the outside and I think: this girl deserves to be taught a lesson.

Being his fuckdoll definitely taught me a lesson...

Have you ever tried hypnosis? I didn't really believe that it works before I did. And I definitely didn't see the possibilities that it gives in kink, especially in objectification. Let me tell you that it does work and it makes play overwhelmingly exciting. Because there is one thing in being treated like an object or being told to behave like an object. And there is another thing in being turned into an object. Hypnosis can do the latter. I feel like that's the ultimate objectification experience. When you're not only treated as a thing, but you become a thing.

One of the things that he turns me into is a rag doll. In that state, my entire body becomes completely relaxed and there is no muscle tension in it. I can't hold any position on my own. My legs and arms lie on the bed limply. My face muscles are completely relaxed. I don't make a sound. Also, my mind becomes relaxed. Blank. I become a lifeless, mindless doll.

And that's the state that he likes to fuck me in. The experience of it is insane. In general, I love to be fucked by him, I love to be used for his pleasure. But this is different. Because normally if I am used by him and he disregards my pleasure, it is still me that he is using. When I am a rag doll, it feels like he is not having sex with me, but with my body only and I am watching it from the distance. It feels so much more objectifying, almost violating.

What is really saddening for me is that I am not able to enjoy what is happening to me at the moment. There is some part of me that is registering what is happening, but I don’t feel like I am having sex with him the way that I normally do. I just know that my body is being used, which makes me want to feel it even more. This experience made me realize that he has so much power over me that he can even take away the pleasure of being used from me if he wants to. He could make me beg to let me be used by him and to let me feel it. He basically controls all my sexual experiences.

Maybe I am insane, but the fact that someone has that much control over me turns me on immensely. That if he feels like I don’t deserve to feel him at this moment, but he still feels like fucking me, he can just turn me into a rag doll and fuck me in that mindless state. I also find it extremely hot that it turns him on to have me in this state and to have that power. It turns me on that he actually uses the power that he has. That he really disregards my needs and desires often. That everything that we do is about him and his pleasure.

In a weird way that is exactly what I am looking for. I am fulfilling my needs by having them disregarded. But it is an entirely different level of fulfilment. It is not like when you feel pleasure in pain. When you have two contradictory sensory experiences at the same time. This is way more intellectual and mental and the realization that I am getting exactly what I want comes way later. At the moment when he does it to me I am miserable and lost, all I want is for him to just stop and be nice to me for once. To feel his warmth. Right after he was finished with fucking me as a rag doll, I was completely broken and overwhelmed and was sobbing into his shoulder.

But when I looked at it from the outside (which usually happens after the scene), I relished in the position that he put me in. I delighted in his ruthlessness. I devoured his cruelty. There is a part of my that really enjoys my suffering. That part really wants me to be put in the lowest possible state. I can’t do it myself though. My suffering self will not let me do it. Therefore, having someone who has so much power over me and who is using it so skillfully, makes my inner sadist glee. Finally, this girl is getting what she deserves.

Maybe submission is not cool but embracing it, is

Anyone who has seen me play can tell that there is nothing more natural to me than to submit. The moment that I feel that someone has the power to take over and dominate me, I lean into it immediately. There is no struggle in me to let go. Nobody has to earn my submission. It's right under the surface the entire time, just waiting to be discovered. You don't even have to do much. It’s enough if you just scratch it and I'm already yours, staring at you with my puppy eyes and longing for more.

What is so tempting in submission for me?

I love to feel owned. And I love the feeling of losing control, the feeling that nothing that is happening right now depends on me. I guess that a part of me thinks that this is what I deserve. That I shouldn't be taken into account. That I shouldn't matter. And if someone shows me that they can see this, they earn my respect and admiration. Finally, someone who doesn’t fall for my bullshit and sees me for who I am. Only when you are ruthless to me, I can believe your words. Because I am ruthless to myself and any opinion that is milder than that should not matter. If you can be harsher with me than I am, I can finally relax and let you lead me. And that is liberating.

Also, when the hardship comes from the outside, at some point it makes you see that there actually is a limit to how much you can take. When someone is degrading you, there is a moment when you say, that is enough, I won’t take anymore. And that moment shows me that there are some shreds of pride and self-love in me. Without it, those shreds can sometimes be hard to find for me.

Another thing that I enjoy a lot is attention. If you are owned by someone, if you are used for their pleasure, you get all their attention. I love the attention. But I hate asking for it. The nice thing about being treated like an object is that you do not have to (and should not) express yourself. You can let someone else use you in whatever way suits them and enjoy their presence, without having to explicitly ask for it. On the one hand you make yourself extremely vulnerable because you give all the power over yourself to someone else, but on the other hand, you are shielded because you do not have to reveal your wishes and needs.

That works particularly great for me, because most of the time, I am kind of afraid of my deepest wants and needs. I am a masochist in many ways, emotional masochist more than a physical one I think. I love to suffer and I love to be hurt. And what I enjoy the most is when someone is truly cruel to me. When they find ways to really get to me. And somewhere deep inside I hope that one day they will find a way to break me.

If you have these kinds of urges, it is hard to act on them on your own accord. It feels wrong on so many levels that it is really hard to express it, let alone do it to yourself. So you just wait and wish that someday you meet someone who will be willing to do these things to you. Someone who will take you on this journey that you’ve dreamt about for so long, but you were afraid to go on alone. And you wish that they will understand you without words.

There are not many people who can make me truly suffer

As much as I lean into submission easily, because being dominated is what I crave for so deeply, I don’t often feel truly under control. At least not to the level that is interesting to me.

I feel like I make it extremely easy to be dominated. I am very expressive and I give a lot of clues on how to gain control over me. I want to be toyed with. I put myself in the spotlight with all the controls out in the open and the instruction lying aside. And still, not many people see that. Or maybe they do, but they don’t want to go where I want to be taken.

Because the places that I want to go to are scary and hard to navigate. The things that I want to be done to me are things that not everyone is willing to and interested in experimenting with. And you don’t only have to willing. You also need to be confident in leading me there. And you have to truly want it as well and understand it.

So even though it looks like I am giving up control easily, what I mostly give up is a layer that's so loose, it almost peels off by itself. I want to be dominated. I want to give up control. You don't need to be extremely skilled to get that from me. Or at least it might seem like it. Where it gets interesting is when you start uncovering parts of me that I don't want to be uncovered. When you make me dive so deep into submission that I almost lose my breath trying to come back to the surface. The lack of breath is what I crave for. Being stripped down from my layers is what I am looking for.

So what makes it not cool?

Deep inside I don't feel like submission is something that I should be ashamed of. It's such an inherent part of me and it gives both me and my partners so much pleasure and fulfilment that I can't believe that there might be anything wrong with it. How can something that feels so natural and that causes so much enjoyment, without harming anyone, be wrong?

This certainty is shaken though when I display my submission in public. Because then it's not only the opinion of my partner that I care about but also the impression that people watching might have of me. And that makes things way more complicated because while I carefully chose my partner, knowing their preferences and limits, I didn't choose the audience. And while I can ask my partner after play for reassurance and validation, I can't do the same with the audience.

And I probably shouldn't as I might not like what I hear. Sometimes they might have opinions about me that are not positive. And it's their right, they didn't enter the scene with me directly and they didn't make any promises. In its essence, kinky play goes against the mainstream understanding of morality and normality. I know that a lot of people don’t understand how what I am doing can be pleasurable to me. And usually, when people see things that they don’t understand, they judge them. Negatively. It is natural.

The solution to this situation is not to get aftercare from everyone who has seen me play. The solution is to care less about what other people think about my play. Of course, I should take other people into account when I play publicly in the sense of trying not to invade each other’s space. But I tend to care way more than that. I tend to care way too much about other people's opinion of me. And the funny thing is that it is not even their actual opinion, it is the opinion that I think that society has about submissive behaviour, which is that it is weak. So every time when I show a deep level of submission towards someone in public, instead of seeing it’s depth and beauty, I see an act that some people might consider as being weak.

I don’t think it is though. I think that being able to be so vulnerable towards someone and to trust so much is an act of bravery and strength and beauty.

Where is beauty?

The beauty is in the power exchange, in the dance of two minds and bodies, in being part of the spectacle of human experiences.

In the end, all art is created to evoke emotions and D/s power exchange is one of the rawest and direct, but at the same time intricate ways to achieve that. I love to be touched by literature or film or other forms of art. For me, a D/s scene is an escalated form of that experience. And I think that it is beautiful.

I think that it is beautiful that two people can strip themselves down so much in front of one another, that they are able to show each other their deepest and darkest desires. And I think that it is beautiful that there are people whose deepest desires are exactly complimenting mine.

It is amazing how vulnerable and bleeding open a D/s scene leaves us. How much we can learn about each other from it. How much trust the dominant needs to have in me to be able to do all these terrible things to me and believe that after that I will still be there with him. That I won’t turn away from him.

I love to be the vessel into which the dominant can pour the darkness that is in him. I love receiving it. I love letting him show to me that hidden side of him. I love to give him pleasure through my suffering. I think it is one of the most intimate things to do between two people. Accepting and taking in each other’s darkness.

I guess that what I am trying to say is that even though I was ranting a while ago about how being a submissive is making me feel not cool, I am over it now. I love being submissive and I love the emotions and intensities that it lets me experience. I love the connection that it allows me to have with my partners. And I love the strength and resilience in me that it is a sign of.

I am really happy that I am this way and I hope that I won’t doubt myself anymore when showing this side of myself to other people, but I will be proud of being able to offer myself so deeply to another person. Isn’t it one of the most beautiful gifts than one can offer?