An ultimate loss of control
Objectification is one of my biggest fetishes. I love to be treated like I don't matter. I love to be used and for my needs to be disregarded. I love to hide in this safe space, where I don't need to put myself out there. Where my sole purpose is to be. Where I don't need to make any decisions, because it's someone else who decides what my actions should be.
It's degrading to be treated as an object. It can also be humiliating, depending on what purpose I serve at the moment. It makes me go really low. It teaches me to forget my ego. It strips away my pride. I like it and I need it. In normal life, I tend to be very outspoken and present when with people. I like to express my opinions and I like for things to go my way. I want to be seen and I love attention.
In play, I love when my partner intentionally does the things that I don't want or denies me the things that I do want. In a weird way, it proves to me that they care about me. By intentionally not giving me what I want, they show that they know exactly what it is, but they are not going to give it, because they are the ones who hold the power. I like to be put in place this way. I like when people teach me a lesson.
In normal life, I tend sometimes to be in a way ‘bratty’, or ‘difficult’. I think that I test people this way. I want to see who will go against me. Who is going to play my game and who will just ignore it and do things his/her way. I don’t often find the latter, but I damn sure find it sexy. Because in the end, I do think that sometimes my behaviour really deserves it. Sometimes I am amazed at myself by how cheeky and tiring I can be. I look at it from the outside and I think: this girl deserves to be taught a lesson.
Being his fuckdoll definitely taught me a lesson...
Have you ever tried hypnosis? I didn't really believe that it works before I did. And I definitely didn't see the possibilities that it gives in kink, especially in objectification. Let me tell you that it does work and it makes play overwhelmingly exciting. Because there is one thing in being treated like an object or being told to behave like an object. And there is another thing in being turned into an object. Hypnosis can do the latter. I feel like that's the ultimate objectification experience. When you're not only treated as a thing, but you become a thing.
One of the things that he turns me into is a rag doll. In that state, my entire body becomes completely relaxed and there is no muscle tension in it. I can't hold any position on my own. My legs and arms lie on the bed limply. My face muscles are completely relaxed. I don't make a sound. Also, my mind becomes relaxed. Blank. I become a lifeless, mindless doll.
And that's the state that he likes to fuck me in. The experience of it is insane. In general, I love to be fucked by him, I love to be used for his pleasure. But this is different. Because normally if I am used by him and he disregards my pleasure, it is still me that he is using. When I am a rag doll, it feels like he is not having sex with me, but with my body only and I am watching it from the distance. It feels so much more objectifying, almost violating.
What is really saddening for me is that I am not able to enjoy what is happening to me at the moment. There is some part of me that is registering what is happening, but I don’t feel like I am having sex with him the way that I normally do. I just know that my body is being used, which makes me want to feel it even more. This experience made me realize that he has so much power over me that he can even take away the pleasure of being used from me if he wants to. He could make me beg to let me be used by him and to let me feel it. He basically controls all my sexual experiences.
Maybe I am insane, but the fact that someone has that much control over me turns me on immensely. That if he feels like I don’t deserve to feel him at this moment, but he still feels like fucking me, he can just turn me into a rag doll and fuck me in that mindless state. I also find it extremely hot that it turns him on to have me in this state and to have that power. It turns me on that he actually uses the power that he has. That he really disregards my needs and desires often. That everything that we do is about him and his pleasure.
In a weird way that is exactly what I am looking for. I am fulfilling my needs by having them disregarded. But it is an entirely different level of fulfilment. It is not like when you feel pleasure in pain. When you have two contradictory sensory experiences at the same time. This is way more intellectual and mental and the realization that I am getting exactly what I want comes way later. At the moment when he does it to me I am miserable and lost, all I want is for him to just stop and be nice to me for once. To feel his warmth. Right after he was finished with fucking me as a rag doll, I was completely broken and overwhelmed and was sobbing into his shoulder.
But when I looked at it from the outside (which usually happens after the scene), I relished in the position that he put me in. I delighted in his ruthlessness. I devoured his cruelty. There is a part of my that really enjoys my suffering. That part really wants me to be put in the lowest possible state. I can’t do it myself though. My suffering self will not let me do it. Therefore, having someone who has so much power over me and who is using it so skillfully, makes my inner sadist glee. Finally, this girl is getting what she deserves.
