A broken toy

It’s amazing how adaptable one can be to scarceness. How in the face of a shortage, norms redefine themselves. How your brain finds ways to explain and accept the new circumstances. How after the initial period of terror and panic, new means for coping with deficiencies are adopted and your life continues as if it has always been this way.

I haven’t had an orgasm in more than 1.5 months. What used to be a reason for dread and anxiety, now is just a fact of life. Half a year ago, when my orgasms were taken away from me for the first time, I’ve spent weeks mulling over it, hoping for it to change, fantasizing about being able to come freely. Now, when they are unreachable for me again, I don’t even think about it. I just live my life as if I haven’t known what an orgasm was. 

I am not sure if this is what He wants me to feel in this situation. I am not sure if He wants me to get used to the power that He has over me. I am not sure if He wants my mind to learn to cope with the suffering that denial used to cause in me. But I am also not sure if He doesn’t. I think that what matters to Him is the fact that He can do this to me and I will accept it without a word. I don’t think that He does these things to me because He wants me to feel a certain way. I think that He does them because He can. 

And this is one of the reasons why I crave to be in His power. Because there is no subserviency in the way He treats me. There is no sign of consideration of how His decisions affect me, no hidden will on His side to please me. My needs are out of the equation in our play. Anything that He does is because He wants to do it. Anything that He wants me to do is a fulfilment of His needs. All that is fulfilling the only need that I truly seem to have. The need to be disregarded and used. 

I sometimes wonder what do I get out of our dynamic and are we not taking this too far? Is it still play or has it become abuse? Am I allowing him to treat me this way because I am afraid to say that this is too much? That I want my freedom back? Or is this exactly what I desire? 

The truth is, that it is exactly what I desire. My fantasies are dark, twisted and elaborate and they have much more to do with what I don’t get than with what I get. I dream about someone having total control over me but for me to have no control over them. I want them to enjoy me whenever they please but at the same time, I want to take up as little space in their lives as possible. I want them to have power over me, but not because I want to feel like I belong to them in a sense of having a feeling of belonging and being taken care of, but because I want to feel powerless and small and unimportant. I want to feel as if my life is in the hands of someone who is completely out of my reach.

I guess that the dynamic from my fantasies is the closest to the one between a God and their believer. God is powerful and almighty and the fate of the believer is completely in His hands. There is no point in questioning God’s will because there is no way that He would change His mind hearing the arguments of the believer. They are from two different worlds and different rules apply to them. The power of God over the believer is absolute and the love and trust of the believer to God are unconditional and unquestioning. God didn’t earn it and He doesn’t reward it. There are no requirements that He needs to fulfil in order for the love to continue. It simply is.  

Of course, this is how it looks in my fantasy world and in reality, I do not play with Gods but with real people. However, the sentiment stays. And having someone disregard my human desires so deeply, having someone execute his power over me with such nonchalance brings me closer to living that fantasy. I find it exciting to be pushed so far and to see where it leads. To get so close to living the dark stories that I dream up in my head. To see how they taste in real life. With the dirt and sweat and all. I want to live it all with the pain and suffering and loneliness and not just the hot kinky sex. Because my fantasies are not just bed scenes. They are parallel universes in which I live my parallel lives. 

This is how I look at it when I lie alone in my bed thinking that I would probably be masturbating right now if only it made sense and would lead me to some release instead of just causing me more frustration. 

My feelings about these things change, however, when other people discover my temporary defect. When I have to reveal to my sexual partners that they won’t be able to make me come tonight. That this privilege has been unavailable to me for a while now and I can’t tell when it is going to change. When I see the shade of disbelief in their eyes. When they ask me with a tone of pity if I enjoy it. When I feel them distancing themselves from me after hearing me say ‘yes’.

I can feel their inability to comprehend how can this be something that I desire. I can feel that they feel sorry for me. I can also feel how they lose their interest in me. How I become less human when they find out that I can't be pleasured the way that I normally can. That they won't have a satisfaction of giving me satisfaction. How that makes me not sexy anymore to them. How they don't want to use me even though they know that being used is exactly what I want. The veil of normalcy falls off me. Now they can see my real face. And they don't understand what they see.

At that moment, I become less certain about my sanity. At that moment, I begin to see myself not through the eyes of my fantasies, but through their eyes. I see a pitiful lonely girl, disgraced and mildly disgusting in how low she will go for Him. How much she is ready to give up. And for what?

Maybe this image is closer to reality than what I see through the lens of my fantasies. Maybe this is what I really am. A broken toy, an unwanted scrap of matter. Ready to give up all the worldly pleasures for just a glimpse of a promise of His heaven. 

Heaven that is so hard to tell apart from hell. 

I just think that I should be used

Some people might call me a slut, but I don't think that I am one. As far as I understand, being a slut is about enjoying sex and having as much of it as possible because you have pleasure from it. I don't care about my pleasure. I just think that I should be used. Other people should have pleasure from my body. That's their right.

My threshold for physical closeness is very low. As soon as I kind of like you, I will probably let you fuck me. If you realise that it is a possibility and how easy it is to get, I won't say no, because I'll think that you deserve it, just because you’ve requested it. Whether I want it is out of the question.

I think that it comes from the notion that I acquired as a teenager, that I need to repay people for physical closeness. And that payment should come in their ability to access my body. My need for physical touch and closeness is huge. Not necessarily sexual, just hugging, being caressed, kissed. Just feeling someone close to me. Being intimate.

In my youth, I thought that I can't just get it from someone without giving something in return. Somehow, I didn't feel like being close to me might be of any value to other people. So I needed to give them something more of myself to deserve the closeness. And sex was an easy and obvious currency.

So I learned to treat my body as an object and to use it to get an illusion of being close to someone. An illusion, not because they didn't want to be close to me, but because I couldn't really be close to them. Usually, because they weren't the people who I truly wanted to be close with. And those with whom I did, I was too terrified of rejection to ask.

I became a master of my way of seducing people by giving them all my attention. If I decided that I want someone to like me, I would do anything to please them. I still do it and it's not necessarily a bad thing. There is no pretending in there, they do really have all my attention at that time. The problem is that it's not sustainable and when it ends, it hurts. You can't be so focused on the other person 24/7 and not lose them and/or yourself. You should never forget about yourself in your quest to please.

Or shouldn't you? Getting to know more and more about BDSM and especially about D/s, I begin to realise that all these imprints that I have and that I used to see as negative, and which are negative in a normal world with ‘normal’ norms, are perfect for creating a successful D/s dynamic. With the right partner, my inability to be something else than a sexual object, my need to please and my hyper-focused attention on the other, are assets. As long as we both know what we are exploring and what we're both giving up and we agree to it, there is nothing negative about it.

Because can’t my unwillingness to explore my own sexual needs, and the desire to be a sexual object, be a need on its own? Why is it considered unhealthy to get pleasure not from my own physical pleasure, but from pleasing the other? Why isn’t it ok to suppress my own personal expression as a price of moulding myself to the image that someone else might have designed for me?

In today's western society all the above are definitely not valued and understood. We strive to develop the individual self, to express ourselves fully and to be emotionally independent of other people as much as possible. This kind of attitude is often portrayed as an ideal that we should all be striving for. But what if my individual expression is a lack thereof? What if I prefer to please other people than to please myself? What if I prefer to focus on other people than to focus on myself?

And don’t get me wrong, I am not an altruistic mother Teresa. I do have a lot of individual self-expression in my daily life. I do have goals, strong opinions about things and I like some people and strongly dislike others. But in sex, I just want to be used. I just want my partners to enjoy me and I want to please them as much as I can. I want to be their perfect toy. My only need is for them not to care about my needs.

It seems great at first sight, but actually it is a lot to ask. It is easy to get from someone who truly doesn’t care about you, but when they start to like you (or even worse, love you), they usually start to care about what you want. And that becomes very problematic for me.

Before I discovered kink, I had a lot of random sex with people who didn't care about me, because it was very easy to be objectified by them. But when I would start to be intimate with someone, having sex with them would become more and more difficult. They would begin to ask me too many questions about what I want. It was becoming too much about me. And when I started to think about it, I wasn't even sure if I want sex at all. I begin to wonder what should I want. What would they want me to want? Why don't I have needs on my own? What's wrong with me?

There is definitely something wrong with me (maybe 'wrong' is not the right world, out of the ordinary is better), but I don't necessarily want to change it. I found a place where the weird notions in my head can be a source of pleasure without guilt. I finally understand and accept that I enjoy the feeling that being used gives me, proxying my own pleasure using the pleasure of the other, the attention that I am getting from my user and how natural they become with me when they realise that they can just do whatever they want with me and they don't need to care about my needs. My whole life I've been working towards becoming a perfect toy (and I still am) without even realising it, and finally, I am starting to see value in my predisposition instead of considering myself a freak.

Because I just think that I should be used. Is that too much to ask for?

Defining a Toy

I love to figure myself out. And lately, I've been asking myself a lot what does it mean that I identify as a Toy? Why do I feel like it fits me better than a submissive or a masochist that I’ve labelled myself before? Because it's not like I am not submissive or not masochistic. I am. But there is something about Toy that gives a distinct flavour to all the other roles that I identify with. And it really speaks to me.

Because what I want above all is to be played with. And now you can say, “Well, that’s not very special. All kinky people want to play. That’s what we are here for.” but what I mean is that I want to be toyed with, physically and emotionally. And above all, I want to be a source of entertainment.

The origins

Since I remember, I would let my friends make jokes about me and laugh at me. It never bothered me much. What they were saying was funny, they were laughing and I was laughing with them. Other people were sometimes surprised why would I let someone ridicule me like that, but I didn't see anything wrong with that. It's not like I wasn't able to cut their jokes if I wanted to. I wasn't a victim of bullying. I would never let someone whom I didn't like to make jokes about me. It was a privilege for the people whom I really liked. And the way that they were making jokes usually showed how much they knew me, which I was finding really pleasing. They were appreciating my openness and sense of humour and I was happy to be a source of entertainment for them.

I have also always loved to be manipulated. And again, it's not like I couldn't prevent it from happening. I usually knew perfectly what the other person was doing and I could stop it if I wanted to. But I didn’t because I preferred to enjoy their craftsmanship. I let them lead me wherever they wanted to lead me because I appreciated their effort. They were having fun with steering my mind where they wanted it to go and I was having fun being steered. I was glad to be able to give them pleasure like that.

These situations repeat themselves in kink. I like when my partners are mean to me or when they ridicule me. I like when they make the most painful jokes about me. I also love when people are manipulating me in play. When they send my mind in different directions while preparing a trap exactly where I least expect it. I appreciate their wit when they are doing so. I appreciate when they show that they know how to control my thoughts and when they know where to strike to hit me the hardest.

And I am happy to be the person for which they don’t need to censor themselves. There is something appealing in being mean to others and in using others. There is an undeniable joy in malice and in having power over someone. I like to be the source of that joy. I like to provide my partners with this kind of entertainment. And isn’t that what toys are for? For letting other people simulate situations that they would enjoy in real life, but which for some reason are not available to them? And, of course, for entertainment?

I want to have the attention of the other

I think that one of the main reasons why I enjoy all of it being done to me is that it gives me the attention of the other. And what does the toy want more than attention? Its only use is being played with, being entertaining to its owners. If it is granted their attention, then it means that it's serving them well because they want to play with it. If they don’t, then it's failing its purpose.

I love the attention. And when you give yourself fully to someone, you do get all their attention. If they want to use you to play their games, to elicit the emotions that they enjoy seeing in people, then they need to learn you. And for that, they need their focus to be on you. And I love that. I love when people are reading me, when they are seeing me and when they are figuring me out.

I think that part of me thinks that the only way in which I deserve the attention is when I am being useful to someone. The only reason why someone would want to see me is that I can serve them in some way. Part of me believes that I need to be pleasurable to the eye and entertaining at all times for others to notice me. That otherwise I am not worth their attention.

It is a part of me that now fuels my play. And I kind of love it, as it lets me have tremendously intense dynamics with people. I feel like I am in a way channelling my insecurities and my inner pleaser into play. And it allows me to partly eliminate it from other parts of my life. In play, I bring it to such an extreme that I start to see better how ridiculous it is to think that way in general. Also, having time for honest aftercare, when you hear from your partners how they value you for who you are is great for silencing the insecurities. But still, I wouldn't want my attention-seeking, pleasing self to go away entirely. In the end, it is the foundation of my toyness.

I want to see what they do with me, once they realize they can use me as they please

I'm so eager to be played with that I make it extremely easy to engage in play with me. I don't want to make it difficult. I don't want to be conquered and for my submission to be earned. I enjoy submitting way too much. I yearn to be in that space. I want the dominant to take me, to ‘have’ me. That's where the fun starts. I want to see what they are going to do with me. How are they going to use this toy that dropped so eagerly into their hands?

I used to be worried that maybe it's boring. Maybe dominants enjoy the struggle? Maybe they enjoy conquering the submissive, maybe they enjoy making him or her submit?

I don't think so anymore. It's not like the way I am is worse or better. It's just different. For me, the fun is not in having the power being taken away from me. I'm usually handing it over willingly. For me, the fun is in seeing and experiencing what the dominant decides to do with that power. In having a peek into his or her twisted mind. Is he or she thinking what I am thinking? Knowing that I will be willing to do most of the things that they might be fantasizing about, which of them will they decide to put into reality? And how will it affect me?

I want to be used and disregarded

I am not very specific in terms of play that I enjoy doing. Or maybe I should put it differently. I don't pay too much attention to my preferences when it comes to play. There are things that I do like, like rope bondage or being manhandled or knife play. But even apart from these, I can find pleasure in almost anything. Because what I value more than my own enjoyment is being used for the enjoyment of the other. And if it so happens that what they enjoy is not necessarily into my liking, that is even better. I want them to do it anyway because it is not me and my preferences, which are important in this game. I am just an object for them to entertain themselves with.

I love for my needs to be disregarded, not taken into account. I love when the dominant uses me for his or her pleasure. As a Toy, I don't think that my needs should be considered. Ideally, I should not have any needs. I do, though. I could see it as a flaw, but I don’t because I think that it makes it all the more fun for the dominant. As long as he or she enjoys objectifying and emotionally torturing other people. And those are the people who I am usually used by.

I could enjoy the things that are done to me just because the dominant is enjoying them. I believe that some submissives have that. Feeling pleasure from the fact that you are pleasing your dominant. I usually don't. I can be pleased after the scene if I was able to provide them with entertainment but I don’t feel pleasure during the scene because of the fact that the dominant is enjoying themselves. During the scene my discomfort and distress are real. I truly don’t enjoy the things they do to me. Which gives me all the more pleasure afterwards when I contemplate what they did. And which makes me fun to play with for emotional sadists. Because what fun it is to torture people when they find pleasure in what is being done to them?

I want to be a source of entertainment

I’ve mentioned it before and it is a bit tied with wanting the attention, but I feel like it deserves a separate line of thought. Because the thing is that I feel like in order to be able to deserve the attention, I need to be entertaining to others. And what kinds of Toys are the most entertaining? Interactive ones, I figured.

So I am very responsive in play. I react to everything that the other person is doing to me. They provide action and I am giving them the reaction. As I’ve said, I want people to read me, but at the same time I so much want to be played with that I don’t want that reading to be too much of an effort for them. I want the process of reading me to be fun because I am worried that otherwise, they will get bored before they get to the bottom of it. So I want to make it fun from the start, but at the same time to let them know that there is much more to be discovered.

I guess that if I would be a toy sold in a shop, the label on my packaging would read something like:

“This Toy is entertaining, but complex. It has many layers. Peeling off each one of them is a pleasure in itself, but it also leads to something even more enjoyable and even more intricate. So keep discovering it.”

I like to play with people, who enjoy that complexity. If someone gets satisfied after the first layer, I am kind of disappointed. I feel like screaming, “But there is so much more to me than this, don’t you want to play more?”

I like curious people. The ones who are able to discover many of my uses. The ones who are inventive. Because the thing is that even I don’t know all of my uses. When people play with me, I am playing right by their side. Peeking from behind their shoulder at my own reactions. And I am equally fascinated by them as they are.

I want to be used by many

I am not a kind of submissive that devotes herself to one person only. At least not to the best of my knowledge. I can be extremely devoted to one person at the moment, but I feel like I wouldn’t want to play exclusively with one person until the rest of my life. As an object of pleasure, I want to be enjoyed by many. I want to see what each person would do with the possibilities that I have to offer.

I am not saying that I wouldn’t like to be a beloved Toy of one very special person. But people rent their toys, even the beloved ones, to very special friends from time to time. If they are fun, then it is a shame to play with them all alone and not share with others.

Another thing that I discovered recently is that my need to please and entertain is not limited to the people that I feel submissive towards. I want everyone who plays with me to have fun. I will try to do what pleases them, just so that they are having a good time. I will let sadists hurt me because they enjoy giving pain. I will be sensual with people who enjoy sensuality. I will do as I am told by dominants because I want them to keep playing with me, even if they are not my dominant and I don’t really feel submissive towards them.

My draft definition

I think that the love for being treated like an object, combined with a need for being given attention and to be interacted with are very toy-like properties. Add to it the feeling that my purpose is to be entertaining and the extent to which I am willing to go to provide this entertainment, together with being open to being used by many and I feel like some sort of defining traits start to clarify.

I feel like all my other kinky traits revolve around being a Toy. Both my submissiveness and my masochism are flavoured by my toyness. My submission is very use-oriented and interactive. My masochism presents itself only when I can see that the other person enjoys seeing me enjoying the pain. But the Toy is always there and it is overarching everything else.

Finally, I don’t think that the things that I wrote about are all there is to it. But it is a good start. And I will keep digging until I define this elusive identity of mine.

An ultimate loss of control

Objectification is one of my biggest fetishes. I love to be treated like I don't matter. I love to be used and for my needs to be disregarded. I love to hide in this safe space, where I don't need to put myself out there. Where my sole purpose is to be. Where I don't need to make any decisions, because it's someone else who decides what my actions should be.

It's degrading to be treated as an object. It can also be humiliating, depending on what purpose I serve at the moment. It makes me go really low. It teaches me to forget my ego. It strips away my pride. I like it and I need it. In normal life, I tend to be very outspoken and present when with people. I like to express my opinions and I like for things to go my way. I want to be seen and I love attention.

In play, I love when my partner intentionally does the things that I don't want or denies me the things that I do want. In a weird way, it proves to me that they care about me. By intentionally not giving me what I want, they show that they know exactly what it is, but they are not going to give it, because they are the ones who hold the power. I like to be put in place this way. I like when people teach me a lesson.

In normal life, I tend sometimes to be in a way ‘bratty’, or ‘difficult’. I think that I test people this way. I want to see who will go against me. Who is going to play my game and who will just ignore it and do things his/her way. I don’t often find the latter, but I damn sure find it sexy. Because in the end, I do think that sometimes my behaviour really deserves it. Sometimes I am amazed at myself by how cheeky and tiring I can be. I look at it from the outside and I think: this girl deserves to be taught a lesson.

Being his fuckdoll definitely taught me a lesson...

Have you ever tried hypnosis? I didn't really believe that it works before I did. And I definitely didn't see the possibilities that it gives in kink, especially in objectification. Let me tell you that it does work and it makes play overwhelmingly exciting. Because there is one thing in being treated like an object or being told to behave like an object. And there is another thing in being turned into an object. Hypnosis can do the latter. I feel like that's the ultimate objectification experience. When you're not only treated as a thing, but you become a thing.

One of the things that he turns me into is a rag doll. In that state, my entire body becomes completely relaxed and there is no muscle tension in it. I can't hold any position on my own. My legs and arms lie on the bed limply. My face muscles are completely relaxed. I don't make a sound. Also, my mind becomes relaxed. Blank. I become a lifeless, mindless doll.

And that's the state that he likes to fuck me in. The experience of it is insane. In general, I love to be fucked by him, I love to be used for his pleasure. But this is different. Because normally if I am used by him and he disregards my pleasure, it is still me that he is using. When I am a rag doll, it feels like he is not having sex with me, but with my body only and I am watching it from the distance. It feels so much more objectifying, almost violating.

What is really saddening for me is that I am not able to enjoy what is happening to me at the moment. There is some part of me that is registering what is happening, but I don’t feel like I am having sex with him the way that I normally do. I just know that my body is being used, which makes me want to feel it even more. This experience made me realize that he has so much power over me that he can even take away the pleasure of being used from me if he wants to. He could make me beg to let me be used by him and to let me feel it. He basically controls all my sexual experiences.

Maybe I am insane, but the fact that someone has that much control over me turns me on immensely. That if he feels like I don’t deserve to feel him at this moment, but he still feels like fucking me, he can just turn me into a rag doll and fuck me in that mindless state. I also find it extremely hot that it turns him on to have me in this state and to have that power. It turns me on that he actually uses the power that he has. That he really disregards my needs and desires often. That everything that we do is about him and his pleasure.

In a weird way that is exactly what I am looking for. I am fulfilling my needs by having them disregarded. But it is an entirely different level of fulfilment. It is not like when you feel pleasure in pain. When you have two contradictory sensory experiences at the same time. This is way more intellectual and mental and the realization that I am getting exactly what I want comes way later. At the moment when he does it to me I am miserable and lost, all I want is for him to just stop and be nice to me for once. To feel his warmth. Right after he was finished with fucking me as a rag doll, I was completely broken and overwhelmed and was sobbing into his shoulder.

But when I looked at it from the outside (which usually happens after the scene), I relished in the position that he put me in. I delighted in his ruthlessness. I devoured his cruelty. There is a part of my that really enjoys my suffering. That part really wants me to be put in the lowest possible state. I can’t do it myself though. My suffering self will not let me do it. Therefore, having someone who has so much power over me and who is using it so skillfully, makes my inner sadist glee. Finally, this girl is getting what she deserves.

Thank you for making everything fall into place

I am not sure if it would be possible for me to live my life this way the entire time. I'm not yet sure if I would want to. There are other parts of me that need catering to which I feel like I was abandoning when I was with you. Yet, being around you, there was a quiet and calmness in me that I’ve never experienced before. Everything seemed to be in the right place. I was in the right place. All that matters had been taken care of and all the rest disappeared. It was a new and powerful experience.

To be so free when no decisions belong to you. To be allowed to just be, just take what is coming. To be so fixated on another person that you completely forget your needs. To be completely selfless. It felt like real freedom. Not being able to choose anything I want, but not having to choose at all. And at the same time feeling seen and appreciated.

To give someone the greatest of gifts that you can give, yourself in its entirety, and to feel that they understand the importance and the weight of it and that they will treat it with care. I thought that I understand it, but I wasn't fully aware of what it means to give yourself to someone fully. Now that I’ve felt it, I know that I've been longing for it for such a long time.

I've been grooming myself for so long to be the most enjoyable toy to entertain yourself with. I was taking care of my body and mind, developing myself so that when the time comes, I will be able to entertain you. So that I will be enjoyable for you to be around and to use. So that you can use me in the ways that you would wish to, without having to worry whether I can take it. I've been building myself strong so that with the right maintenance I can serve you long without breaking.

It's amazing how well you understand me. How well you know what to give me back in return for my service. All I want is to be seen. To be discovered. All I want is for someone to dive deeper and deeper into my psyche and make me more and more open and vulnerable. To peel off my insecurities and worries, one by one. To show me who I really am and what I am capable of.

To meet somebody who is able to handle having so much power over someone and not break under the weight of it is not an everyday encounter. I am sure that giving up all the control is what I yearn for, but I also know that it is not bearable for most of the people. And I won't put it into somebody's hands if I don't feel like they are strong enough to hold it.

You are strong enough to hold it. The reason why I trust you so much is that I feel like you are perfectly aware of what we are toying with and you are completely comfortable with that responsibility. You delight in my mind. You delight in the possibilities that I have to offer. With you, I can go further than I've even gone because I feel like you feel better than I do where my limits are. You trust me that I can take it and then I trust myself that I can take it as well.

You are also so extremely attentive and focused. You don't take me for granted. The worst thing I could experience is when I offer abundance to someone and they don't notice me in it. They are enjoying my gifts, but they don't see the person who is giving them. They get so lost in enjoying the power they've been granted that they forget about the one who is giving it to them.

You love the feeling of power that you have over me. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes. And there is nothing that gives me more happiness than seeing how much pleasure I can give you. But no matter how much of a power rush you experience, you never forget the source of it. No matter how small and unimportant you make me feel, you never forget about me. Being seen by you, even when I am in my most despicable self. Being appreciated for going so low for your pleasure, that's the deepest yearning of my heart fulfilled.

Thank you for making things fall into place. Thank you for making me feel like I am not too much. Thank you for accepting my gift. It means the world to me to finally feel like this part of me that has been hidden and despised for so long is beautiful and special and truly understood. Thank you for taking everything from me. Only after it's all been taken away, I can finally see myself fully.