Lessons on the poetics of kinbaku from Barkas and Addie

A while ago I participated in a workshop by Barkas and Addie on their interpretation of Yukimura style at the beautiful Atelier Simonet in Paris. The number of inspiring concepts in that workshop was so enormous that it took me a while to process them into a condensed form. I finally did it and here are the most important thoughts that were born during or as a result of the workshop.

They are not general truths about kinbaku (do general truths about kinbaku even exist?), but rather concepts that can be inspiring and help one to get into a certain mindset. To me this workshop was eye-opening in many ways, the crown jewel being the first concept that I am going to talk about.

Rope bondage is in its essence a form of a dance

Throughout the workshop, we did exercises that were circling around this idea, even though we didn't talk about it specifically. One time, Barkas said that the aim of doing rope for him is 'to move his partner so that he is moved as a result'. And isn't that what dancing (at least partnered dancing) is?

When dancing, we move our bodies, put them in certain positions in order to evoke feelings in ourselves, in our partners and in the audience. In rope, we do exactly the same. And even though the music is not an essential part of a rope scene, we still move in a certain rhythm, certain tempo when tying. A good scene should be timed well, the ropes and the body manipulations coming at exactly the right moment and not randomly. Only then, you can get into the feeling of flow with your partner and get lost in the fluidity of your experience.

We dance to the silences and to the rhythms of our hearts. To the sounds of our breaths and the ropes caressing our bodies. We don't interpret the music that we hear outside of our bodies, but the one that is within us.

Another 'dancy' element in rope bondage is the presence of a leader (the rigger) and a follower (the model), which we also observe in many partnered dances. The rigger proposes to the model to put their body in a certain position, to which the model gives an emotional response. They respond with their interpretation of the position in a form of an emotional expression, which in turn moves the rigger.

One of the most beautiful and important concepts that I learned from my tango teachers was that in tango the leader provides a structure, a frame, into which the follower pours their emotions. The follower fills the dance with their passion, inspiring the leader and moving them emotionally. And it is an essential role of the follower as the leader already has to think about the structure of the steps and managing their and their partner's positions on the dancefloor. If they have to focus on filling the dance with emotions as well, it will be simply too much put on their plate. Therefore, it's the role of the follower to fill the empty frame of the steps with beauty. I like to think that in rope bondage similar rules apply.

Rope bondage is more about leading and following than it is about rope

One of the more interesting exercises, illustrating how much in the end rope bondage is about leading and following, was an exercise where we were tying without ropes. Barkas asked the riggers to tie one of the classic Yukimura style ties, but without using the ropes. It was a partial suspension with the model lying on her side, involving a TK and with one leg of the model raised. The challenge was not to force the position, but to use your will, the time, the context and the mind of your model in order to get them where you want them to be. Surprisingly, it worked very well.

When both partners are focused on each other, when they understand each other’s vocabulary (which was partly fixed here because of the context of a rope scene) and when the roles are clear, the rope becomes in a way redundant. Of course, using rope does give an opportunity to create shapes that without it would not be possible, and causes an enhancement of the experience, but they are not essential for creating the experience itself that being in rope is.

No matter how weird that might sound, rope is only a tool and not the central point of a rope scene. The central point is to experience the connection with each other, to move and to be moved, to assert and fill the roles of a rope bondage scene and see where it will bring you. And as Barkas showed us, you don’t necessarily need rope in order to achieve that.

The torture of Yukimura style is not about being captured, but about being (almost) free

Contrary to, for example, Naka style in which the model is often progressively bound tighter and tighter until at some point she can barely move, the ropes in Yukimura style are quite loose and the model has a lot of freedom. This creates an illusion of having a choice and as a result captures the mind of the model, not allowing him/her to let go. It's more difficult to accept what is happening to you when you constantly feel like you could almost free yourself.

In Naka style, the ropes often form a tight cage impossible to miss and the model feels very acutely that they are captured. Paradoxically, this immobilization of the body often allows the mind to let go and free itself.

Yukimura style feels more like a house arrest in which you wear an electronic bracelet tracking your location. There are moments when you feel like you are completely free, walking around the house, but then you touch the border of your invisible cage and you are reminded again that you are not. In this way, you relive the realization and drama of being captured each time when you are reminded of your captivity. Because of that, you are stuck in this experience, and it's very hard to let go and accept your faith.

Additionally, the combination of eroticism, shame and humiliation which are ever-present in Yukimura style together with capturing of the mind can be very powerful. Giving the model an illusion of freedom makes the shame and humiliation much harder to accept because they feel like they could almost escape it, and because of that, the feelings become even more intense.

Good technique is a means to gain the trust of the model

At certain points throughout the workshop, Barkas would give some technical tips and tricks to the riggers. What was interesting for me were not the tips themselves, as I'm not a rigger and I don't intend to be, but the reasons he gave for applying them, which was gaining the trust of your model and lulling them into a sense of security. If you have good technique and you know how to handle your rope and manipulate the body of your model, you seem like you really know what you are doing. And that is what the model needs in order to trust you.

As Addie mentioned, technical things in rope are something that you don't notice when they are done right, but you acutely notice when done wrong. It breaks your trust, as a model, because fiddling with rope and doing unnecessary movements gives an impression that the rigger doesn't know what he or she is doing. And that definitely makes the model doubt whether they should put their health, and possibly life, in the hands of this person.

I like this approach to stressing the importance of good technique to the riggers because it gives the ‘why’ that makes sense and has a depth to it. You don’t want your technique to be good in order to impress someone or to stroke your ego. You want it because it is needed in order to gain the trust of your model, which in turn will result in amazing scenes.

Once again, the models and their reactions should be at the centre of attention

This notion comes back over and over again in my learning, yet so little riggers apply it. It doesn't mean that you tie for the model but that your goal is to elicit a reaction and not just tie a certain pattern.

Barkas told us an interesting story of how he was trying to learn one of the classic ties of Yukimura sensei and how he kept getting it wrong, but he didn't know why. He would think that he tied the tie perfectly and then Yukimura sensei would come and tell him that it's wrong again, adjust the rope a couple of millimetres and then walk away, content.

Barkas couldn't figure out how to repeat the exact pattern of Yukimura sensei successfully since it seemed like he was so deadly precise. Until one day when sensei was showing him the tie again, he started to look at the face of the model instead of the ropes. And then everything became clear. It was not a pattern that Yukimura sensei was looking for, but the expression on the face of the model. If he achieved the result that he was looking for, he was content. The pattern was not always exactly the same, it would change depending on the day and the model, but the end expression was.

So please riggers, remember to look at your models when you create shapes with their bodies. The models are a part of the tie and only if they fill your ropes with their being, will your tie become a perfection.

Rope scenes are Other Spaces where the reality is governed by different rules

During the workshop Barkas mentioned at some point that in his opinion rope scenes are heterotopias. In terms of Foucault definition:

Heterotopia is a certain cultural, institutional and discursive space that is somehow 'other': disturbing, intense, incompatible, contradictory or transforming. Heterotopias are worlds within worlds, mirroring and yet upsetting what is outside. - Wikipedia

Looking at the above description it's hard not to agree with him. Entering a rope scene transports you into another dimension, in a way. In principle, you still are in the same real tangible world, in a room or any other physical space where the rope scene takes place, but at the same time, your and your partner’s minds travel somewhere completely else.

Rope allows you to let go of your day-to-day worries and immerse yourself exclusively in your sensations and the connection with your partner. It takes away the physical freedom of the model, often causing them to go inwards and confront what's inside of them and what they were trying to avoid in their daily lives. As for the rigger, I can imagine that it also frees their mind as they become hyper-focused on the model and because of that let go of everything else.

Also, the rules and norms of everyday life don't apply in ropes. It's a special space where it is ok to take away the other person's freedom and at the same time to be intimate with them, to open up fully to the other person and allow them to penetrate or even violate you. It's a space where you can let go of the social norms and adopt new (often D/s-governed) ones. What is interesting is that through rope any space can become a heterotopia. Once we enter into a rope scene in a certain space, we transform it into something ‘other’, which is governed by different rules and where time and space are distorted.

According to Foucault, the function of the heterotopia is unfolding between two extremes: between providing an illusion that exposes the real world as still more illusory, and providing a space of perfection to compensate for the flaws of real life. I think that in rope we can see both these extremes and anything in between. On one hand, by creating an illusion of certain situations (being captured, violated) it elicits emotions in us, which feel real, even though the threat is not. Thanks to that, it lets us reflect on the nature of emotions in general and might give us some space to evaluate what we feel in real life as well. On the other hand, it gives us an opportunity to get lost in this perfect moment of connection, to forget about everyday life and experience a pure moment of connection with another human being.

Silence is also music (or there is no such thing as silence)

At some point, Barkas was recalling a story of a composition by American experimental composer John Cage, entitled 4’33’’ in which the musicians do not play their instruments during the entire duration of the piece and the music is created out of the sounds of the environment that the listeners hear while it is performed. The point of the composer was to show that any sounds may constitute music.

I think that another interesting thing about this piece is that the sounds of the environment indeed become music for the listeners because their attitude is that of listening to a piece of music. And because of this change of perspective, they become much more sensitive and attentive to sound, and they start to notice and listen to something that they would normally ignore.

One of the things that Barkas was trying to make us realize is that in rope there is no such thing as lack of tying (even if the rigger does not make any movements). Throughout the duration of the scene, each position of the rigger has a meaning and communicates something to the model, making them feel. A break in tying or a lack of movement is also a form of communication. It also makes the model feel.

The same way as when musicians didn’t play, the audience started to listen to what is around them, when you don’t actively move the model emotionally, they start to be moved by their own emotions. You provide space for them to feel what is inside them, and because of the context of taking part in a rope scene and being highly attentive to what they are feeling, they go there. And it can be a very powerful experience. Therefore, the rigger does not always need to induce the emotions on the model by constantly moving their body or adding more rope. By stepping aside a bit and letting them experience the ‘silence’, they can also make them feel a lot. It can be difficult to step back sometimes, but ultimately it can facilitate an even more powerful scene.

We will never be able to read each other 100% correctly and that's ok

We also talked about the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to tell 100% what is happening in the head of your partner, but it is alright because such accuracy is not needed. When tying together, we both tell ourselves stories about what is happening to us and to the other person. We also try to read the story of the other, guessing from their body language what is happening to them. Not all of these guesses will be correct, but as long as they are not completely off and you can get the general direction of where your partner is, you can try to direct them where you want them to go.

You will never find out for sure if you succeeded, though (you can always ask afterwards but then their recollections might already be distorted because of your question). Like with a book or a poem, the moment your actions leave your body and try to influence the other, they start to live their own life. Your initial purpose is dead and the model starts to interpret them in their own way, like a person who reads a poem would. Most of the time your intention will be preserved in some part but new meanings will be added to it. And that is beautiful.

It always reminds me of the fact that even in the most intimate moments between the two people, you can never become one. There is always this barrier of the two minds getting close to each other, but never close enough. It can make you feel sad and lonely, but it can also make you appreciate how special it is when for a short moment you do manage to get close.

Even though what Barkas and Addie were showing us was so different from the rope that I usually practice, there were also some repeating themes from other teachings that I followed, like the focus on the reactions of the model instead of the ties, the importance of breaks in tying, the importance of good technique, the strong D/s element in the bondage and the eroticism of it.

It seems to me that Yukimura style in Barkas interpretation is extremely focused on mental domination and manipulating the emotions of the model, more than on the actual ties. Personally, I find it absolutely fascinating and thrilling. I love how because of the simplicity of the rope in this style, the entire focus is on the model and the art of creating something beautiful with their emotions. And I love the recognition of the beauty that is in the shame and humiliation.

This workshop showed me that, indeed, there is a lot of poetry in kinbaku. It made me slow down and see the beauty in the details. It made me think of what kinbaku is and what it isn’t, and reorganize my own ideas about it. And because it was so different from what I usually do, it enriched my practice of kinbaku in new and unexpected ways. And I am grateful to Addie and Barkas for that.

Lessons on shame, objectification and humiliation in rope from Soptik and Door

Recently, I've been a model for an amazing workshop by Soptik on objectification and humiliation in rope. He asked me to be his partner because, as he says, I'm a 'perfect object'. I guess that what he means by that is that I let people do anything to me without fighting back. And I enjoy it. It was very interesting to be able to show and share with people the states in which I love to be, but also in which I am at my most vulnerable. 

I think that teaching objectification and humiliation is a difficult undertaking. Much more difficult than teaching techniques how to tie. It's all about playing the emotions of your model, and having a command of human emotions is so much more complicated than having a command of rope.

It was the first time that I've given a workshop like that and since it was emotionally very intense, it was quite hard for me to formulate my thoughts on the topics that we’ve taught real-time. I did my best, but still many interesting thoughts emerged in my head only when processing it later. So many that I will probably spend more than one writing on them. But here is a start. 

On objectification 

Objectification is the act of treating a person as an object or a thing. - Wikipedia

In theory, it's the most severe form of lowering someone's status. In practice though, it can be much easier to take than humiliation or degradation. That is because it can put you in this state of 'not being' in which you can detach from your feelings and experiences. When someone objectifies you, you can truly become an object in your mind as well and your ego doesn't get in the way anymore. You go to this quiet place where you just exist, and let things happen to you but without affecting you. 

This was also the experience of most of the models, which I find truly fascinating. Despite being so different we basically all went to the same place in our heads. 

Suffering as an object is suffering alone

The first exercise that we performed was tying the models into household objects. I was turned into a chair and left like that while the rest of the participants started tying, having someone occasionally sitting on me.

After a while, the position got really challenging and I began truly suffering. The experience though was very different from the typical suffering in semenawa ties. The traditional suffering in kinbaku is done for the rigger while he is there, witnessing you in it. And it makes things very different and in some ways easier (but in others not).

When your rigger is with you, you're staying more on the edge, I think. You are more aware of what is happening to you and you hope that he will put you out of your misery soon. He is seeing you and therefore you also see yourself through his eyes and are more aware of your suffering. At the same time, his presence makes it easier to go through the hardship because you know that you are doing it for him and you are being appreciated. 

Here, I was all alone with my suffering. It was a byproduct and not the aim. There was nobody who cared about what was happening to me (at least that is how I felt like, in reality, my partner was having me in his sight most of the time). In a way, my suffering was pointless. That made it harder to go through on one hand as I didn't have the energy of rigger's appreciation to lift me up. On the other hand, being left alone with it made it easier to accept and easier to surrender. There was no hope for me. I was a mere object and all that was left for me was to accept my faith. 

There are not many things that are more hurtful than not being seen

There are many ways to objectify someone, which was exactly what Soptik was trying to teach. We did exercises on turning people into actual usable objects, on sexual objectification and on turning models into living sculptures and objects of admiration. Those different states were also eliciting different reactions in different models. Some caused arousal, some sadness, some going quiet and some desperation.

In general, I love to be objectified. I love to be used for someone’s pleasure, in any capacity they see fit. It gives me a lot of satisfaction and at the same time frees me from worrying whether my actions are according to the other person's wishes. I have no initiative of my own, therefore no way of making mistakes. But there is one experience in the realm of objectification that can leave me truly shattered. And that is being looked at but not seen. Especially, when it's done by someone by whom I desperately want to be seen. 

In one of the exercises, Soptik was teaching the riggers how to look at your model as a mere object. We were standing in one place and the riggers were walking around us and observing each detail of our body like we were at an auction and they were about to buy us. This kind of look makes you embarrassed at first. The sheer fact that someone dares to look at you that way, and that you allow them to do that, makes you question your worth. As long as they don’t look into your face though, it is not painful. It makes you uncomfortable and slightly anxious, but not hurt. Everything changes when they look straight into your eyes, but don’t see you. 

The moment when they turn their look at your face, you become hopeful. You start wishing that they will finally look into your eyes and see the person that you are. That they will stop assessing you like a piece of meat and really look at you, your inside and not your outside. You can't help but expect and anticipate it in a glimpse of a second and when you meet their cold stare, your heart is shattered. 

It hurts so much to be denied something as fundamental as being looked into the eyes and be seen. Somehow, at that moment it is not possible to switch off the feeling mode and become only a body. Being so close, and yet so far away, from meeting someone’s sight makes you extremely aware of that little person inside you yearning to be elevated back to the status of a human being. And when it is not happening, it hurts. A lot.  

As a sucker for emotional pain, I can’t say how much I appreciate the ability of someone to treat me like that. I can imagine that it is not easy to look at someone this way, but the amount of suffering that such a simple skill can generate is truly remarkable, so it's worth practising. 

There is no shame in being an object

In one of the exercises, the task was to sexually objectify your model. The riggers had to tie us in a position that makes us as sexually available as possible, at the same time giving us the feeling of being objectified. I was basically turned into a sex doll with my arms in a TK, thighs tied together behind my back, legs spread as wide as possible and a fabric over my head on which Soptik drew a new face for me. He also cut a hole in the fabric for my mouth and put a ring gag in it so that it stayed open. Finally, he tied my breasts, so that they became prominent and swollen. Real sex doll. 

The interesting thing was that even though I was so exposed and in a way humiliated (at least to me being so explicitly sexual and ready for use is usually humiliating), I didn't feel that way. That is because I didn't feel like a person, I felt like a doll. And a doll is not ashamed of being looked at or used. That is what it is for. 

At the end of the exercise, everyone was untied and sharing their experiences and I was still sitting there with my wide-open mouth and a doll face on which Soptik drew tears. Those tears truly reflected how I felt, like an abandoned doll, sad that nobody is paying attention to it. But even though I was exposed in front of everyone and unable to speak, I didn't feel ashamed. 

Usually, I feel a lot of shame when being publicly exposed, especially with my breasts tied like that. But now it wasn't me who was in that position. By losing my face to a piece of fabric, I also lost my shame and dignity. It was my body they could see, but not me. There is no point in feeling shame when nobody expects you to act with decency when you have no agency. 

Shame can only be born out of situations that you have some influence over, when you feel personally responsible for it and when your dignity is at stake. You are doing something indecent, but at least you are ashamed of it. It saves your face in a way. Here, I didn't have a face to save.

On shame and humiliation 

Humiliation is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It is an emotion felt by a person whose social status, either by force or willingly, has just decreased. - Wikipedia

Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness. - Wikipedia

There is a thin line between shame and humiliation. What for some people is only shameful, for others might already be humiliating or even degrading. What shame and humiliation have in common is that they require an act from a position of someone being a person, in contrast to being an object. They also might be much more mentally impactful in the long term than objectification. 

I think that it's because while it's easy to contain the experience of being objectified within the scene and detach from it afterwards because of it being so far from how you usually feel about yourself, it's much more difficult to detach from what you've experienced in a humiliation scene. The reason for that is that humiliation play uses the image that you have of yourself as a person against you. Therefore, it's something that is much more personal and that you need to be much more cautious about. 

Humiliation play needs good negotiations, aftercare and sometimes even ‘precare’

We've spent a long time at the beginning of the second day of the workshop, discussing all kinds of precautions that you need to take before you get into a scene involving shaming, and even more so humiliation. As a top, you need to get a good understanding of where the feeling of self-worth of the bottom comes from and which parts of it can and can't be toyed with. If you as a bottom have any triggers or deep anxieties that you know shouldn't be messed with, this is the time to talk about it. 

You also need to make sure that you will have time and space for good aftercare and that it's clear for both of you what would such aftercare entail. While for some scenes it's ok to just hug and part your ways, here it's really important to make sure that you both leave the scene the way you started it, not feeling bad about yourself (both in case of tops as well as bottoms).

Finally, I mentioned before that there are certain things that are better not toyed with and sensitive topics are better left out of this kind play. But… Some people (like me) like to be kicked exactly in places where it hurts the most. And that's ok as long as both you and your partner are aware of the risks that you are taking. In such case it might also be a good idea to do some ‘precare’, to ensure the other person beforehand that their insecurities that are going to be dissected soon have no grounding in reality and to make ground for the aftercare that will come later. As a top, say some good things that you can come back to after the scene. This is what we did with Soptik for example, when we played with my intelligence (or lack thereof) which is one of the things that I can be insecure about and it worked great in restoring my feeling of self-worth after the scene.

Little things make all the difference

Bringing humiliation or shame (or objectification for that matter) into your tying is about small gestures. It's not about what you do, but how you do it. 

We started and ended the day with ties that were very similar in terms of the position of my body (partial suspension exposing my crotch), but which gave me very different experiences, because of small details. 

The first one was in a way more 'light'. I was tied with one leg up and open and one on the floor with a lot of possibilities for movement. It gave me a constant feeling that I could almost hide the parts of my body (crotch) that I didn't want to be exposed. I was on the verge of feeling decent, getting in and out of it, depending on whether I thought that my foot can hide my crotch or not. Soptik kept the mood of the scene playful. He toyed with my embarrassment. I felt like he put me in this shameful position to entertain him, but also so that I have fun myself, and not to put me down. I didn't feel humiliated at all, but I did feel embarrassed and ashamed about what people could see. Still, I felt ashamed about the position that I am in, but not of myself.

The mood of the second scene was very different, even though the tie itself was similar. From the start Soptik was constantly putting my head down, not letting me look at him. Apparently, putting someone’s head lower than their heart puts them almost automatically in a state of submission. It was the case for me. I immediately felt subdued to him and because of that less prone to try and change the position, even if it was leaving me exposed. At the same time, I felt like the fact that I wasn’t fighting him was depriving me of even more dignity. 

Also, the way he was interacting with me was different, he wasn’t playful anymore. He was intentionally showing me that I am less of a human than he is. That he can do to me what he wants, ridicule me in front of all the workshop participants and there is nothing I can do about it. The tie was also more and more constricting my movements, not only leaving me feeling humiliated, but also helpless. Like there is no escape for me from that state. 

I think that making someone feel helpless really helps with humiliation. Not necessarily physically helpless, but more so mentally. Making them feel less of themselves because they are not preventing what is happening to them, but at the same time overpowering them so much that they won’t. 

And the switch in the intention in order to do that is really not that big. It is in small details of how you treat the other person and not necessarily in tying different things. 

You can't humiliate an object 

The thing about humiliation is that it undermines one’s sense of worth. The concept of self-worth is only there if the person you play with feels like a person. If they went into the mental space of being an object, they won’t feel humiliated anymore.

It was very tangible for me when we did an exercise with tying face rope in a deforming way. Having your face deformed, being made ugly, is a very humiliating experience for most people. However, there is a very subtle difference between deforming one’s face, which is humiliating and taking away one’s face, which is more objectifying. 

For example, if you tie a lot of rope around somebody’s head, covering it entirely, you make them lose their face completely and become more like a puppet. Especially if you tie their eyes as well, it is very easy for them to go into an ‘object’ headspace. On the other hand, if you tie the rope in such a way that the attributes of the face, eyes, nose, mouth, are still present but distorted, it gives much more humiliating experience. They still have a face, but it is made ugly. What intensifies the feeling is being made aware of it over and over again, for example by being presented with one’s reflection or being touched where the rope is so that they can feel how distorted they are. 

So if you want to stay in the realm of humiliation, you need to stay focused on your partner and observe whether they are not hiding in ‘safe space’ of being an object. You have to keep reminding them that they are a human, but a lesser one.

It is all happening in the head of the model

Humiliation, shame, embarrassment are all highly personal and context-dependent feelings. To be able to control them, you need to be able to get into the head of the model. To observe him/her and learn what makes them tick. 

I also think that, contrary to objectification, tools for inducing which are quite objective, humiliation and shame are very subjective and dependent on the 'willingness' of the model to go with their mind where the rigger is suggesting them to go. Possibly there are certain things that are objectively humiliating. Usually, though, they are rather on the intense side which brings them more into the degradation realm, the next stage after humiliation. 

In general, a lot of what is happening during a shame or humiliation scene depends on a story that the model is telling herself/himself in their head. The actions of the rigger are only a catalyst for it. Therefore, the more the rigger knows the model, the better, as they can approximate more accurately what is happening in their heads. 

At the same time, the model also has quite a lot of power over whether they want to go the route of humiliation or shame or not. Do they believe that what is currently done to them is shameful or humiliating? Or can they talk themselves out of it? The more context of the model's story the rigger knows, the easier it is to make them believe. 

The rigger is also part of the context. For example, while I might not be ashamed of getting aroused when playing with my sexual partner (I basically always am, though), getting aroused during a scene with a stranger might be very shameful. So even observing the model playing with others might not provide you with the necessary information. 

Humiliation is one of those things where it's really about an intimate interaction between the two people and getting to know each other's darkest secrets. It might take time to build tools to execute it, but if it's your thing, it's definitely worth the effort.

I guess that from the length of this writing (and it is still not all) you can figure out how dear the topic of humiliation and objectification is to my heart and how amazing it was to be able to show it to other people together with Soptik (who definitely is an artist in the realm of inducing it on people). It is so personal that it was hard to define for myself what could be interesting to contribute as a model in such a workshop. There is still much more to tell on the subject, but I hope that we were able to show at least part of what it means to us and that I conveyed some of it here.

Considerations on what constitutes the matter of kinbaku from Riccardo Wildties and RedSabbath

I've been extremely lucky to have recently participated in an unforgettable workshop, Xtreme Xclusive: Matter from Wildties and RedSabbath, as a model of one of the most talented riggers and amazing people that I know, Soptik. I don’t think that there is a need to add how huge influence it had on me and my development as a kinbaku model. Enormous.

Even though I’ve been worried about not being able to follow it, because of an arm injury that I’ve experienced at Eurix a week earlier, I survived all the challenging ties without a scratch (oh well, maybe a few) and had an amazing experience.

There are a couple of important realizations that arose from that workshop, that either have been shared by the teachers or other participants or just came to my mind, that I would like to talk about here.

Riggers

You learn the rules in order to break them at the right time

It was really fascinating to listen to Riccardo telling his students to break almost all the rules that he had taught them before. In his other workshops, he teaches how to execute Naka style ties perfectly. He explains each position and placement and teaches the standard way of tying that tie. Here, he was showing how to get out of the standard and break the perfection in order to express the mood and intensify the connection.

Because perfection is not what kinbaku is about. It's actually about the opposite. By breaking the rules you show your personality, make the tie yours. But you have to know how to apply the rules before you can break them. Otherwise, you are just ignorant and what you are doing is not showing personality but incompetence.

But when the time is right and when you reach the level of mastery that can inform your choices, sticking to the rules of a style religiously will prevent you from truly expressing yourself and the mood of the moment in your tying.

One tie does not rule them all

People in the West tend to learn a pattern and apply it thoughtlessly to every model, without consideration of how he or she is looking in the tie. Riccardo kept challenging the riggers to go beyond that habit and really look at what they've created so far and at their model in ropes and put the rope where they feel and not where they think it should be.

This created an entirely different experience. Both aesthetically, as it created more beautiful ties, but also mentally for us, models. You could feel that you are a part of the creative process of the rigger, instead of just being the means to his goal of putting your body in a certain position, that he is working with you and not despite you.

If you want your ropes to be clean, you need to clear your mind first

Riccardo kept saying that the riggers have to become more Japanese in how they are tying. It wasn't about conceptualizing the Japanese aesthetics, though, but about clearing your mind, so that you can let the inspiration flow through you.

There are certain standard ties that Europeans are able to tie in a Japanese way because they know the pattern well, but any time they try to deviate from the norm and change something, they become, as Riccardo calls it, ‘gothic’. That's because they think too much about the ropes, instead of observing and feeling them.

In Japanese aesthetics things are never perfect, there is always something unfinished, asymmetric, breaking the pattern. At the same time, those changes are very subtle. No big deviations, but rather small imperfections are what make the tie yours without losing its initial form. But only having a clear mind will let you see and feel the subtleties.

Using the right tie to evoke the right emotions in the model has everything to do with technique

I think that this was one of the most interesting concepts of this workshop because it's a paradigm shift for many riggers. People usually equate rope technique with their command of rope. The more ties you are able to execute, the neater they are, the faster you are and the better your rope handling skills are, the better your technique. It's partly true, but Riccardo shifted the focus, by saying that what good technique ultimately is, is being able to evoke the right emotions in your model at will.

Just as a brush is a tool for a painter, the rope is a tool for the rigger. And just as a painter paints with colours, the rigger paints with the emotions of the model. For a painter, knowing which brush to choose is a part of his technical skills in the same way as for the rigger is choosing the right tie.

I love this approach because it shifts the focus of the riggers from their ropes, which is a mere tool, to the models, which are the canvas. And that adds so much depth to the experience.

You should tie for yourself and not for your model

This concept might be a bit controversial, but I fully agree. I've heard it for the first time expressed by Soptik in his workshop 'Soptik's rope' during the Prague Shibari Festival last year. In the workshop, he had an exercise in which he was encouraging the riggers to tie something that they've always wanted to do, but they've never done because they thought that the model will not like it. He was asking the riggers this one time to tie for themselves and not for their models. To do whatever they feel like and see how it changes their experience.

A similar attitude was indicated by Riccardo during this workshop. He said that he always ties what he feels like and not what he thinks that his model (or the audience) wants. Only then he can deliver at his best. Even if it means tying the same tie over and over again, he will do it, because deviating from it will result in something suboptimal.

I love this approach because it intensifies the D/s dynamic enormously and it's very fulfilling for me as a submissive. The rigger has the power to do whatever he wants to do and he is executing it. He is in control. As a submissive, that's exactly what I want. If the dominant is focused on my comfort or pleasure, then the power dynamic is lost, because it is me who becomes a more important part of the equation. The balance is reversed.

If he ties for himself, I can feel that he is truly enjoying himself thanks to me. And that's extremely fulfilling and ultimately more enjoyable then if he would care for my pleasure directly. Also, it makes it more worthwhile to suffer through difficult ties. I make it for him and not for myself. And that makes all the difference.

Models

Surrender is not the same as dissociation

At some point, there was a question from one of the participants about how the surrender actually looks like, and why Japanese models are often so squirmy while in surrender, and Western models usually calm down and become less reactive in the same state of mind.

An immediate response that popped into my head and that was spelt out by NawaTaNeko seconds later was that surrender is not the same as dissociation. The models in the West often dissociate instead of surrendering, meaning that they distance themselves from their internal experiences, which often results in a freeze response, while surrender is actually opening up and letting all the experiences in. Surrender is an acceptance of your inner experience instead of its denial and that often leads to a strong external expression, which you can observe in Japanese models.

Another point that Riccardo raised was that in the West riggers are often not able to be there with the model if she is expressing her emotions. Squirming or screaming often leads to ending the scene. Therefore, models teach themselves to go more inwards, because they do not want to worry the rigger. Which is a shame, because by silencing themselves they might lose part of the experience.

Of course, every model is different and expresses herself differently. Some models naturally go more inwards. I, on the other hand, tend to be very expressive, which I used to treat as a sign of weakness, watching other models being so peaceful and calm. I even felt like my squirminess and being loud might be treated as a sign of disrespect towards my rigger. Like it might be taken as a complaint, which it definitely isn’t.

But watching more and more amazing models, like RedSabbath or NawaTaNeko, suffering and expressing themselves during semenawa sessions, I realized that there are power and beauty in strong self-expression. Being expressive means that I am not afraid to open up and to show what I am going through and that I want to incorporate the rigger in my experience. I am not expressing my feelings because I'm not able to take the tie otherwise. I am expressing them because I am fully open and I let everything spill out of me. I have nothing to hide. I am fully surrendered to my rigger and to the experience that he is giving me. And I trust him that he will stay there to witness me in it.

Showing true surrender inspires more than a thousand words

During the workshop both Ale and Riccardo were very tired as they've just come back from almost a month-long tour around the world. Partly because of that and partly because it's not her style, Ale was not talking much.

Two times during the workshop Riccardo asked her to describe her experience. Both times her descriptions were brilliant and so on point (I wish I was so articulate when my partner asks me to describe my experiences… I usually just say "It was tough, I thought that I can't take it, but I could."). But still, my impression is that according to the current standards of model involvement in a workshop, that's not a lot.

Even if she didn't talk at all, though, her presence and how much she was giving of herself was the best inspiration that I could get. It was amazing to see her take everything that Riccardo was putting her through, to see her break in relief after a difficult tie, to have her showing us her bare emotions. I can't imagine a better example of true surrender. The moment you see something like that, you think "I want to be so beautiful and strong for my rigger as well". And you are.

There is somehow this misconception nowadays that there is not enough verbal content for the models during the workshops. That 'modelling skills' should be talked about almost as much as ‘rigging skills’. Surely, there are certain technical skills that help in being a rope model. And surely, they are more or less important depending on the style that you're being tied in. But I refuse to acknowledge that the only valuable content that a model can bring to the workshop is verbal content. That if 'modelling skills' are not being talked about, then there is no modelling content in the workshop.

Not everything needs to be talked about. Being a rope model, especially for semenawa, is such a strong internal somatic experience and it's so individual that observing someone else in it might actually be much more powerful than having it being explained to you. Because it's all about the feeling, about getting out of your head and into your body, into the experience. And having your head busy with analyzing whether you are activating the right muscles only gets in the way sometimes.

Respect your models because without them you wouldn't be able to tie

I loved how much emphasis Riccardo was putting on being grateful to Ale and all the models for giving themselves to their riggers. I have a feeling like this aspect is often missed, as the role of the model in Naka style seems so passive that we sometimes forget how much it takes to do these things. And it's not even so much about our technique or physical strength, but about our mental power and endurance. Even though we are not learning any technical skills, we allow the riggers to use our body and we train our minds to be able to take more and more so that they can become better in what we both love.

There was a very touching moment, after one of the emotionally very challenging ties when Ale was coming back to her senses, and some people started chatting loudly without respect for what had just happened. It must have been difficult for her, as it might make her feel like people didn't care about her experience when she was at her most vulnerable. Riccardo immediately took notice of it and asked people to be quiet and respect her headspace, which they did. I think that it was really beautiful and showed how much he cared about her. He did understand how much she was giving of herself, even if others didn't.

Of course, I know that a workshop is a special circumstance and as teachers (and as participants) you can't give each other as much care as you normally would if it was a session. But still, it's important to remember that, especially in semenawa, the emotional toll on the models is really high. We are tough and we can take it, but even small signs of appreciation really make a huge difference. The fact that I almost cried when at the end of the workshop Riccardo thanked all the models for their dedication is a good indication of that.

Showing appreciation for my suffering and letting me know that he sees my efforts is exactly what Soptik was doing during the entire workshop. Thanks to that I was able to take more for him than I would ever have thought I could and really surrender to all the experiences that he put me through. And I am really grateful to him for his support and recognition even amid the most technically challenging exercises. I felt truly seen.

I had already been in love with Naka style, but this workshop had made my love even stronger. Even though it was supposed to be a very technical workshop, it evoked a lot of strong feelings in me, because it’s impossible to fully separate the matter from the spirit in kinbaku. And the ability of Riccardo WIldties and RedSabbath to explain and make us understand something as esoteric as kinbaku is truly extraordinary. We need more teachers like that.

Last but not least, I have to mention this unforgettable quote from Riccardo here because we need not forget that in the end, kinbaku is a perverted art invented by dirty men wanting to do dirty things to innocent women:

Explaining his tie, ‘fucked up Gyaku ebi’, “You want to see the boobs, the ass and the face of the model all at the same time."

Isn't that poetic?

Lessons from the Masters of kinbaku, Akira Naka Sensei and Iroha Shizuki

Disclaimer: I am going to refer to the rigger in a male form and to the model in a female form throughout this writing for the ease of formulating my thoughts, but of course the gender has nothing to do with the role and I am not trying to imply that it does.

Recently, I had the privilege to take part in a kinbaku workshop from Akira Naka Sensei and Iroha Shizuki for the first time. I can’t even express how grateful I am for being able to see and experience Naka-san and Iroha-san live, and to be immersed in the beauty that they created together during those three unforgettable days. I am sure that I won’t be able to put into words everything that I’ve learned during the workshop, but there are certain things that were really impactful for me, and I want to preserve at least those here.

Kinbaku is about climbing the mountain together

I think that this was the most important and beautiful message that I took from this workshop. Kinbaku and semenawa are really about going through the hardship together. It is not about torturing the model with your ties, but about evoking the beauty that is in her, using your ropes, and feeling with her.

It was really beautiful when Naka-san shared with us how difficult it is for him to hurt his models, how compassionate he is for them and how he is suffering together with them. Semenawa is not about sadism. The point of it is not to hurt your model. You can do it in many other ways. The point of semenawa is to experience the suffering together with your partner, in order to come out of it stronger. It is about being there for each other, both partners willing and open and vulnerable. Both attuned to the needs of the other. Both fulfilling different, but complementary roles.

Of course, when practising semenawa, the rigger inflicts pain and suffering on the model and they both must be enjoying that aspect as well. But it is about more than that. I think that the point of Naka-san was that even though it's all consensual and they both enjoy it, it doesn't make it less difficult to cause another person pain. You need to have compassion for the person that you are hurting, you need to be able to read them and get into their skin. Otherwise, you will simply abuse them.

During the performance of Iroha-san and Naka-san, you could really see that they are giving everything to each other. And how that moment makes them stronger. The moment when the suffering ended and Naka-san took Iroha-san in his arms was one of the rawest and loving gestures I’ve ever seen. I truly appreciate how open and vulnerable they were with us. They didn’t withhold anything. And I think that this is what makes them so unique.

It was really special, when the day after the performance, Naka-san was telling us how much he feels for Iroha and how practising kinbaku makes his love for her even stronger, and you could feel that he was actually insecure when talking about it. He really opened up to us, and even for him, one of the most respected masters of kinbaku, it was a difficult moment. To me, it was really touching and proved his honesty.

It’s not about the patterns, but about extracting the beauty of your model in every moment

In each exercise, Naka Sensei repeated that the point of the exercise is not to replicate the sequence that he tied, but to get inspired and then adjust it to your model. Every person and every body is different. He wanted riggers to learn to look at their models, get the pattern out of their head and really be there with the model, with her beauty, feel what this moment needs to make it special.

He did create patterns for the purpose of the workshop but in general, he doesn't think in terms of patterns. After the initial position was finished, it was really fascinating to see how he moved from there, observing Iroha-san, adding and changing lines, each time accentuating her beauty and only moving forward when he felt like what he created was the best what he could do in this moment.

I think that riggers often get carried away in their pursuit of a certain position. They focus on the tie itself and forget about the person in their ropes. They are more driven by the end-result then the process, missing the beauty of the moment and the unique opportunities that each model and each moment gives them.

Naka-san repeated endlessly not to force anything. He was asking riggers not to let their ego get in the way, but to tie to their abilities, as it will create a much better experience, both for the rigger and for the model. Also, Iroha-san mentioned how unfair it is that the riggers often make models feel guilty if they can't take certain ties that Naka-san created, while they definitely shouldn’t feel guilty. They are there for the riggers, willing to give them their body and to suffer for them. The riggers should appreciate it and make the best out of it. Especially because usually if the model can't take something, it more often than not is because of the riggers technique lacking. Therefore, they should be humble and look at themselves first, before judging and blaming the model.

There is no one definition of kinbaku

Naka-san stressed that for him kinbaku is very individual. Each person has their own approach to it and their own point of view. He ties what feels natural to him, but he doesn’t think that his way is the only true way. He might not understand or have a feeling for what other people in rope bondage are doing, but it doesn’t make it any less valuable. In the end, each scene and each encounter are unique and should be treated as such.

Another thing that he mentioned, and that was very interesting, is that there is no final destination in kinbaku. It is a never-ending process. And for each person the path is different, and the point where they will end up will be different. For him, as a professional, the road will definitely not be the same as for someone who does it as a hobby. And it is fine. Each person chooses their own path and should not try to get ahead of himself. It is better to enjoy the process.

Both the rigger and the model should be grateful to each other and respect each other

It's really amazing how humble and appreciative of the model Naka-san is. He kept repeating how the riggers should appreciate and be grateful to their models for letting them tie them up. That the models are not their slaves (even if sometimes they like to play that they are). They give themselves to the rigger out of their free will and they deserve respect and gratitude for that.

Iroha-san was also saying that the models should feel free to communicate to the riggers anything that feels wrong or puts them in a position that they don't like. They shouldn't force themselves into things that they don't enjoy, just to please the rigger. They should like what is happening to them. Otherwise, they will start to hate kinbaku after a while. As a model, your body and mind are in some way being abused and if you don't enjoy it in some way, then it might quickly turn into a trauma. Without open communication, there is no kinbaku. It's simply an abuse.

One time, when Naka-san was putting the first wraps of the TK on Iroha-san, he revealed that it's one of his favourite moments because he can be so close to the model that he can almost hug her. Then he started joking that maybe while for him it feels amazing, the model suffers, thinking that she wants that perv away from her. Then he told the riggers that they need to stay healthy and clean, otherwise, their models will really feel like that and will hate them. It was a joke but it shows how self-aware and humble he is. Even though he is one of the best riggers in the world and there are tons of girls who dream to be tied by him, he still cares about the impression that he makes and the comfort of the model.

Kinbaku can be a risky art and you should be conscious about the risks that you are taking

One day, Naka-san told us a story of the rope that he is using. How he was looking for weeks with different sellers to find the right kind of rope for kinbaku. How he finally found it with Ogawa, and how they became popular thanks to him. How some people are complaining about its smell, and that it's not suitable for tying people. How nowadays you can buy rope that is specially made for kinbaku. And how in his opinion the people who buy this kind of rope are missing the point.

Because kinbaku is not supposed to be normal. You use the ropes not what they were created for, and it's an essential part of it. You do something perverted, dirty. You transform ordinary ropes into your tool of torment for the model. In this way you build their history, you make them special because of the way you use them. You will not obtain the same feeling with ropes that are made especially for kinbaku. They are too proper, too ‘clean’.

There is no lying to ourselves, kinbaku and semenawa are perverse and they bear risks. More than that, the perversion and the risks are what makes them exciting and beautiful. They are at the core of the practice. If you tie in a way that is safe and comfortable then the spirit of kinbaku is gone. Because it should be difficult and painful. Your ropes should be abusing the model in some way. In the end, kinbaku is a D/s practice.
And sometimes you take risks for the sake of beauty. You tie less safely because it is more aesthetically pleasing. It happens and it's perfectly fine. But when it happens, both the rigger and the model should be aware of what they are doing. It should be a conscious risk-aware decision of both partners. And until you are able to assess all the risks, you should put safety first.

As a model, you surrender to the tie and the rigger

Semenawa is not a power struggle. Rather, it is an expression of the model's surrender. The moment you let the rigger tie you, you already belong to him. Once in ropes, all you can do is to accept your faith and to do it gracefully.

The ties in Naka-san style are difficult and painful. They can also be exposing and objectifying. It is not a kind of rope that you would do with everybody, the same as you wouldn't enter a D/s dynamic with everybody. If you (as a model) decide to tie in this style, you need to be willing to suffer for the other person, to give yourself to them. And for that, you need to trust that they are going to respect your gift and care for you.

In almost any form of rope bondage, the model is in the power of the rigger. She can struggle, but in the end, the rigger has all the control. But I think that the difference between overpowering rope and semenawa is a bit like the difference between doing CNC and D/s. In both cases, the bottom doesn't have any power. But while in the first case it's being taken away from her, in the other she hands it over willingly.
And this is one of the things that makes Naka-san’s style so alluring to me. It is such a beautiful and deep expression of a D/s dynamic that exists between the rigger and the model. It’s a kind of rope that you can’t do casually. It requires an absolute devotion from both sides. And an immense amount of trust.

Semenawa ties are meant to be really challenging. They are asking the model to give everything of her. Personally, I am not able to go so far if I am doing it for myself only. If I tie for the sake of beauty or to challenge myself, I can only go so far. But when I am doing it for someone else, when I'm suffering for my rigger, only then I can overcome my limits and truly surrender to the tie. The fact that I am doing it for someone else, gives me an additional strength to persevere and to enjoy my perseverance.

Lots of lessons learned during this workshop. It's so inspiring to see how one of the biggest masters of kinbaku and his model approach rope. The way they talk about it made me see many things more clearly and put others in a completely different light. Especially, because kinbaku is a part of Naka-san and Iroha-san's culture, seeing them and hearing about their approach really changed my perspective on this beautiful art.

I'm not Japanese and I will never experience being tied in a way that a Japanese person does. And that's ok. But still, I feel like one of the keys to understanding what it is that draws me so much to kinbaku is understanding the culture that it comes from. Therefore, I'm so grateful to Naka-san and Iroha-san, not only for sharing their approach to rope with us but also for being so open and vulnerable and sharing so many beautiful stories. This experience was definitely a milestone on my journey.

Lessons on kinbaku and semenawa from Wildties, RedSabbath, WykD Dave and Clover

In September 2018 I participated in a unique workshop from Riccardo Wildties, RedSabbath, WykD Dave and Clover. It was a really unforgettable experience as it's in general unheard of to have two such great riggers teaching together and comparing their approaches in front of the students. I want to share my story of that experience, which contains both the knowledge that the teachers shared with us as well as my interpretation and loose thoughts on it.

The goal of the workshop was not to learn particular ties, but to understand better the language of kinbaku and to find your own voice in it. I loved everything about it. I loved how they were trying to explain and show what kinbaku is to them. I loved the abundance of concepts and the depth of thought that was presented. And I loved how open and honest the teachers were.

There is no kinbaku without fluent technique

The first day was all about technique. But not in the sense of learning complex technical ties. It was rather about the importance of perfecting your basics. And I couldn't agree more with the teachers.
Both Wildties and WykD Dave were stressing how everything starts with the basics. In Europe people often like to learn a lot of complicated patterns, thinking that it's an indication of how good they are. But copying the pattern without understanding it and being able to use it to evoke feelings is pointless. At least in the sense of kinbaku.

Kinbaku is not about rope. It's about using the rope as a tool to evoke sensations and emotions in the model. And to be able to do that, you need to have a perfect command of your tool. You have to not only know what you are doing but also why are you doing it. You have to understand the reasons behind every movement and placement of rope and perfect it so that you can apply it intuitively.

Of course, this way of tying requires a lot of devotion and practice. Real methodical relentless practice, where you repeat the same movements over and over again. Just applying the patterns that you've learned in play is not enough. You need conscious lab time when you tie the same thing repeatedly and analyse it.

As a model, I agree wholeheartedly. There is something very special about the way that the rope is used by the most experienced riggers that I’ve tied with. And it is not at all about the ties that they put me in, but about the fluency and deliberation with which they do it. The level to which they can control the rope. It almost feels like the rope is just an extension of their body. Their entire attention is on me and not on the tie. The level of connection that it creates is one of the best things that I’ve ever experienced in play.

This workshop made me realize that in order to be able to experience that, I, as a model, need to give space and opportunity for my riggers to practice. I am usually all about play and I might sometimes put pressure on people to always make it playful when they tie with me. I also am very fortunate to tie with amazing riggers who are at a level when practice is usually also play for them. What they are perfecting now is the communication through rope, even when they tie complex things. But still, after listening to Wildties and Dave, but also Clover and RedSabbath, I realized that the best thing that I can give to the rigger is my attention and honest feedback. And for that, I sometimes might need to tune down the play mode. I'm ready to do that if that means that it will lead to even more connection and better play in the future. So, my dear riggers, please tell me when you would like to tie with me for practice and feedback. I'm all yours also for that.

Fundamentals of kinbaku

After we discussed what you need to practice in order to make the rope a means instead of it being an end, we went on to talk about the actual end.
What is it that you want to communicate with your partner? And how can you use rope in order to achieve that? Rope is very versatile and the things that you can express with it are almost endless. But there are certain emotions and concepts that it is basically made for communicating. And these are at the core of kinbaku.

Distance and space

Space is very important in Japanese rope bondage. You can express a lot using it. Your model will experience different things depending on whether you are near or far, in front or behind her, but also above, at the same level or below. All these factors have also different impact, depending on how strong the dynamic between you and your model is. If it is strong, you can move further away and the model will still feel your presence. There is more trust in her that you won’t abandon her and you can play more with the subtle changes. If she doesn’t trust you yet, already a small distance can have a big impact.

So you can say something by distancing yourself from your model. But you can also use staying in touch to send a different message. By keeping the tension on the rope the entire scene, your model can feel your presence, which is both reassuring and asserting control. The moment you lose tension in the rope, you create distance. You should keep it in mind when tying, that anything that happens with the rope has an impact on your model. Dropping the tension is for the model like losing touch with the rigger. It can be a very powerful experience, which is not necessarily bad, as long as it is intentional.

Timing

You can express feelings using tempo, meaning both speed and rhythm. The same tie in a different tempo will have a very different feeling for your model. The change doesn’t have to be big. A subtle change can have a big impact if it is executed with care and your model is attuned to you.

Another aspect of timing in rope is using the pauses and acceleration. Everything that has a beginning also needs to end. It is especially prevailing in Naka style, because of the fact that you don’t extend the ropes, meaning that adding every new rope has a clear beginning, acceleration and end. The end is the moment for you to enjoy the tie and for your model to contemplate what is happening to her. Both you and the model need time to realize what is happening between you. Otherwise, things keep happening, but neither of you has the time to actually feel and enjoy them.

The end moment is not an end in the way that Westerners usually understand it. It is far from nothingness. It is rather a pause before the next part starts unfolding.

Even though each rope is a complete piece, one should always keep in mind that it is a part of something bigger. One rope is a part of a TK, a TK is a part of a tie, a tie is a part of a scene, a scene is a part of a sequence of scenes, and so on. Every single part is complete, but it is also a part of something bigger.

There is this concept of a buildup, they all add up to something bigger, each part more and more intense. The acceleration is happening not only in a single piece, but also throughout the entire scene, each rope being more intense than the previous, adding to the experience, but at the same time being a complete part on its own.

Progression

There is nothing worse than a flat rope scene. Therefore, there should be a progression in everything that you do. Every wrap that you put on the model should have more intention than the previous one and assert more and more control over her. The way to do it is not necessarily through more tension or force in the rope, but rather in you becoming more and more focused on the model. Each movement causing both of you to further immerse yourself in your bubble.

Apart from the progression of connection and intention, there is also a concept of progression throughout the scene. The tie keeps building up to something bigger and more intense. To make it even more interesting and at the same time more sustainable for your model, you should step back from time to time though.

Progression does not have to be linearly increasing. In fact, it's better if you step back sometimes, allowing your model to catch a breath. This way, the next time you strike, your model will be able to take more. Otherwise, if you keep striking hard without a break, she can easily be overwhelmed. In the end, you want her to take as much of your torture as possible. Therefore, it is better to give her some time to adjust, see where she is compensating and slowly take it away step by step.

Interaction

Kinbaku is not only about applying the rope on the body of your model but also using it to move your model and to control her. You want to talk to your model through rope, every move that you make should be intentional and have a meaning. You should also pay attention to whether your model actually understands your intention. Read her. Her body language will tell you a lot.

You should be able to control the movement of the model in every moment. Not using force, but because of her submission to you. She shouldn't change her position on her own accord. If she does, then it means that she is not yours yet.

Dominance and submission

Kinbaku is a D/s art, but a very subtle one. It is about seduction. You don’t want to force the terrible things that you have in mind onto someone. You want to seduce them into believing that this is what they want. Only then it is a real submission. In order to achieve that, you need to listen to your model and to the signals that she is sending you. If you are focused on your goal and not listening to her, she won’t submit. You will just force your will upon her, but she won’t be yours. And you want her to be yours. You want to control her experiences and create a bubble where all that she is thinking about is your next move.

Tying someone up is a way to show control. To make the other feel helpless and captured. But also to lull them into a false sense of security. You don’t want your model to keep fighting with you. You want her to feel good under your control. And to do that, you need to listen to what does and doesn’t feel good for her. Otherwise, you will only control her body, but it's her mind that you really want. And once you have it, it's up to your imagination what you want to make her feel. She is your playground and all the other kids are gone. The fun is all yours.

Where is the bottom in all that?

The workshop was amazing, but it seemed like it was all about the riggers. It made me think a lot about kinbaku and my role in it as a bottom. On the first sight, it seems like the role of the rigger is way more prominent and the model is a mere receiver. The importance of the skills of the rigger is definitely more visible and the skills itself are in a way easier defined. And they are very different from bottoming skills.

I think that the rigging skills are more tangible and standard, therefore easier to teach, in a way. I love following rope workshops and listening about tying, even though I have no intention of becoming a rigger myself. I still find hearing about the process fascinating. But I also often feel kind of strange during rope workshops as I'm very dependent on my rigger and there is no way that I can perform well if he doesn't.

I tend to be very ambitious and I am always striving to perfection. And that's why I sometimes find it difficult to be so dependent on my rigger in my development as a model. Because I feel like until he perfects his skills, the only thing that I can do is to give feedback. And to use what he is giving me at the moment.

I'm not saying that the role of the bottom is not important. But I feel that I can only start to create when my riggers give me space for it. And that comes with their skills. Because only once they have a good command of the ropes, can we start to play with our dynamic. That's when I can really express myself and grow. Before that, I need very different skills to help my rigger develop. I need to be able to analyse what is happening with my body and be critical about the experience. And I need to be able to give him constructive feedback. I used to not see it as ‘true’ bottoming skills and something that I want to develop. I used to just want to get lost in the experience. But I'm changing my mind.

And it were the partners of Dave and Wildties who made me change the way I think. When I asked Clover and RedSabbath how they feel about their role as rope bottoms and if they don't feel very passive sometimes, they gave me very interesting insights.

RedSabbath mentioned that for her the most crucial role of the bottom is to be the critic of the rigger. Really being honest about how they make you feel and what they can improve on. Conscious lab time, when you are really focused on tying is very important if you want to help him develop. In the end without you, the rigger can't improve. Without your feedback, he can only guess how he makes you feel. With your feedback, he can really grow and learn from his mistakes. You shape his awareness. Without you, there is no kinbaku.

Clover on the other hand explained how she feels very active in creating the scene as she is the one who is receiving riggers input, feeling it and communicating how it feels. When being in rope, she is developing her ‘bondage persona’, learning about her strong and weak sides and what feels good to her. In this way, they work very much together to create the best possible rope experience. There is a lot of self-discovery and learning for the bottom in that process. But that happens when the rigger overcomes the ‘technique’ obstacle and when the rope practice becomes a question of ‘what’ and not ‘how’.

Listening to all this, I realized that even though my role is very different than rigger’s, I still have many things that I can work on improving. I can work on giving feedback and being more conscious about what is happening with my body in ropes and how particular ties and behaviours of the rigger make me feel. I also realized that what I want to perfect is being beautiful and strong in ropes for my rigger. I can practice giving the best possible experience on my side and being grateful to the rigger for all the energy he puts into learning this difficult art.

At the same time, I also want to learn more about the Japanese culture, understand better where kinbaku comes from and what are its underlying principles in order to be able to better tune in this beautiful art and its aesthetics.

Finally, sometimes I just want to let go and give myself fully to the rigger. Let him play me like an instrument and take out all the beauty that is in my emotions and in my suffering. Because that is what we are ultimately striving to achieve.

Lessons on pain, suffering and humiliation from Soptik and EisEve

Last weekend, Soptik and EisEve gave a performance followed by a 2-day intensive workshop at Ellipsis in Rotterdam. I attended both with high hopes and was not disappointed. In fact, I've learned way more than I expected.

The performance

Their performance left me speechless. I’ve heard that Soptik is a real sadist and I was prepared for an hour of enjoyment mixed with embarrassment while watching EisEve being tortured in his ropes. What I have seen was nothing like what I have expected. True, she was suffering for most of the performance, but mostly it was a spectacle of humiliation and objectification and a show of an intense D/s dynamic. And it was beautiful.

He started strongly by cutting open EisEve clothes and putting her in a partial involving only a neck rope, causing her to tiptoe and struggle for her life while he was tying a TK. He then put her in a series of transitions, each one slightly more difficult and exposing than the previous. She took them all gracefully. What was amazing to me was how intensely Soptik was focused on his model. He barely watched his ropes. His eyes were almost constantly fixated on her. And he was taking his time. He wasn’t hurrying from one position to another. Each position was a feast on its own and he was delighting in every little drop of EisEve suffering.

And she does suffer beautifully. From the first till the last moment of the performance, she was completely surrendered to him. You could feel that she would let him do anything to her. She was there at his disposal, surrendering completely to his ropes, with her eyes closed and her body relaxed. At the same time, she wasn’t lifeless. She was truly present and you could feel the intense emotions that she is going through.

At some point of the performance, Soptik gagged her with her own panties, which he previously cut open, and tied a white cloth around her mouth and eyes. Then he proceeded to draw a smile and a pair of eyes on the fabric. This was a powerful message of objectification. For me, it was like saying ‘Look at her, she is all mine. She will let me do anything to her. And I will execute this power.’ That really touched me. I rarely see such expressions of submission in rope performances, and at the same time, they are something that I really look for in kinbaku.

On top of everything, Soptik is an extremely skilled rigger. His moves were confident and fluent and each position that he put his model in was executed with great care and seemed simple, but was actually very complex. He was deliberate in creating shapes from EisEve body. And the shapes that he was creating were not always making his model beautiful. She was a material that he was forming according to his desires. And his desires were often to expose and objectify her. He ended the performance with a single point TK suspension, which was a very dramatic position, making the model resemble a hanged person. Another powerful message.

For me, the entire performance was comparable to that of Bingo, that I’ve seen in Paris, in terms of the intensity, skill and the qualities of kinbaku and D/s that it displayed. It left me extremely excited for the workshop.

The workshop

And the workshop didn’t disappoint. There was lots of pain and suffering, but most necessary, it was not without a reason. I think that the most important lesson that I have learned from it is that as a model you want to suffer in ropes for someone. If you see your rigger paying attention to you and enjoying what he is creating, it really makes it worthwhile to go through all the pain and discomfort.

Soptik kept repeating that for him every moment of the scene is important and that he wants to enjoy the model in his ropes as much as possible. Therefore, it is really crucial to pay attention to your model by learning how to minimize the amount of time that you look at your ropes when tying. You want to enjoy the model and the feelings that you evoke in her and for that, you need to pay attention to her, not the ropes that are on her body. They are just an object, they don’t have feelings. But your model does. And that is what you are after.

For me, it really does make a difference, because I treat my scenes as an emotional journey. I go through a spectrum of emotions when being tied and if the rigger does not appreciate them then I miss the point of doing it. I know that there are different reasons why people tie and this is not the only ultimate one, but it is for me. That’s why Soptik teaching resonated so much with me.

Another thing is that as a model, once I decide to tie with someone, I should be willing to suffer for them. That also means that I should try to overcome small nuisances, like a pinching rope, as long as they are not dangerous. In that way, I make sure that we can enjoy the scene and its flow with minimal disturbances. I learned that any time that I communicate to the rigger, I take us out of our headspace and we have to make a big effort afterwards to get back in. Therefore, it makes for a way better scene if I suffer through small discomforts, even unintentional, and only communicate things that I really important.

Finally, watching Soptik tie and interact with EisEve completely changed my views on D/s relationships. Throughout the workshop, he kept exposing and humiliating her, by for example casually exposing her breasts and crotch. Not for a moment though it made me think of her as weak or less a person than he is. (And that is how I usually feel when someone does something like that to me.) On the contrary, I thought that she is very strong and brave for being so vulnerable to him in front of us. I could also see how much she means to him and how much he appreciates her and I understood that even though there is a power imbalance in their relation, it does not mean that either of them is less valuable.

Some of you might say, ‘Duh...’, but for me, it was quite an eye-opener. So far, I’ve rather seen myself as showing weakness when expressing my submission to my boyfriend in front of other people. And now, when I saw how it might look from the outside, I don’t think of it as appearing weak anymore. I think that it is touching and beautiful. And both sides show strength by expressing it.

Our scene

As a culmination of this weekend, I experienced Soptik’s tying myself. And it was again both different and better than I expected. He asked me to tie because he really liked my expressions of suffering in ropes and I agreed because I could see that we have many common kinks and I expected that he would put me through an amazing journey. And he did.

I think that I have never experienced so much pain and humiliation at once given with so much intention and enjoyment. Especially by someone who I barely know. The way he was hurting me and the emotions that he was able to evoke in me by giving me pain made me re-evaluate how I see myself as a masochist. For a while now I have thought that I prefer emotional masochism over the physical one. And partially it is still true. Soptik made me realize what you can achieve when you combine the two. A mind-blowing experience.

I guess that there are not so many things that can make one as panicky and vulnerable as experiencing pain from which there is no escape. I am a masochist and I like pain, but only to a certain degree, and I am not even sure if my pain tolerance is that high. I can take quite a bit, but not without strong reactions and I only experience mild levels of very specific kinds of pain as pleasurable. The pain that he was giving me was definitely above my limits. But he overpowered me mentally and physically and made me feel like there is nowhere to go from it. He made me submit to the pain and to him and accept whatever he is giving to me. And that really changed my perception.

At some point, I started enjoying way more than I usually do. It seemed like because there was no escape, my mind decided that it is better for me to think that it is what I truly want. And then, for a submissive, there is something really special about letting someone torture your body and seeing them enjoying it. And he definitely was enjoying torturing me. It made me very confused because, on the one hand, I wanted the pain to stop, but on the other, you wanted to keep pleasing him. Also, he kept humiliating me. He twisted my body and exposed me. He tied my face and made me drool on myself and then smeared the saliva over my face. He slapped me and beat me and stepped on me. At some point, it turned me into a needy wimp and I just wanted him to be nice to me and caress me, but he kept only hurting and degrading me. That made me only more miserable and more submissive.

I was truly amazed by how much I can take from a complete stranger. He was my teacher for two days, I have seen him tie and we talked a bit, but there was not much more that I knew about him. I have always thought that degradation and humiliation are something that I can only do with someone that I have a deep relation with. But it turns out that it is not necessarily the case. I think that because I could see very clearly that it is something that he enjoys, I felt safe to enjoy it as well. To show my real self to him and let him take us on this journey.

At the same time, it was very different from what I experience with my partners that I have a deeper relationship with. I think that there was not so much emotional depth behind it and because of that, it was less (emotionally) dangerous. It was a very strong and pure D/s power exchange, but at the same time did not have the emotional loading of humiliation play that I have with my boyfriend for example. Having a deep relationship with someone definitely changes the angle of play, because he can hit you in more emotionally vulnerable places. And that requires way more aftercare that I felt like I need after this scene.

Here, I felt like a victim, first caught and overpowered and then slowly, by means of torture, turned into an obedient pet. It was really amazing and intense and at the same time very contained within the scene. I feel like rope is a great tool to create this kind of emotions. It makes you powerless and vulnerable and can cause a lot of pain. At the same time, it's not like cuffs or straps that only immobilize you. Your partner keeps on making you move, reminding you of the power that he has and at the same time putting you in a kind of trance. It's also very theatrical in a way which for me works great in putting my mind on an emotional journey. Since it is a non-verbal tool, the flow of energy is in a way purer and therefore might be stronger than when you use words, even though the exchange might be less intricate, as I feel like only more basic dynamics can be expressed without verbal communication. Still, you can achieve the intensity and experience emotional journey that is really special and hard to come across otherwise with such minimal tools.

My lessons

I can already see my boyfriend laughing at this one, but I think that I can safely say that this weekend was a life-changing experience for me. Or at least, it changed the way I look at many things.

First of all, I strengthened my conviction that what I am looking for and want to experience in rope is an intense D/s dynamic. I want to see suffering and submission. I want to see humiliation and eroticism. And finally, I want to see simplicity and beauty created by using the model as a canvas. And that is exactly what Soptik and EisEve showed in their performance.

Secondly, I’ve learned that the intention of both the rigger and the model can make or break the scene. On the rigger side, it is extremely important that he enjoys what he is doing to the model. And for that, he needs to pay attention to her. He should maximize the time that he looks and reads the model and minimize the time that his attention is on the rope. From the model side, she needs to have the intention to suffer for the rigger, to give herself to him for his enjoyment. That also means that she should try to not break the scene with every little pinch of rope on her skin. Sometimes it might be better to suffer through the discomfort, also unintentional, and see where the scene goes than to break the flow.

Thirdly, I learned to appreciate and respect the submissive role way more. I realized that it requires strength and vulnerability to be able to submit, but that the same goes for the dominant. Even though there is a power imbalance in a D/s relation, there is no value assigned to either of the sides. They are both equally strong and brave and beautiful. And there is something truly magnetic in observing a couple with a strong D/s dynamic. Like watching two elements both fighting and needing each other to exist.

Finally, I’ve learned that rope is a perfect tool for creating intense and complex D/s scenes, even between people who don’t know each other that well. You can degrade, scare, torture, humiliate, give and take hope, caress and evoke many more feelings, using only rope. At the same time, the dynamic is very contained within the context of the scene and the strong power exchange that you experience does not have to exist outside of it. This made me appreciate rope even more and it might have made me more open to tie with new people.

Thank you Soptik and EisEve for teaching me so much about rope, D/s and myself. It was a truly deep experience and I can’t wait to learn from you again.