On submission as my way to taste the forbidden

I have a tendency to be swept off my feet by men. People who have known me for a bit can confirm.

Not by all men, that is.

In general, I tend to be rather intimidating and hard to impress. Sometimes, I can be a girl who emanates the vibe of ‘better don’t come close unless you have something really interesting to say. And I mean: really interesting’. Sometimes, I am a girl who has a bunch of guys around her begging for her attention. Sometimes, men treat me like a princess. I can’t say that I don’t like it. It can be pleasant and flattering. But it doesn’t turn me on.

I was raised in a family of strong women. My mother is a kind of woman who is a feminist and at the same time sees anything feminine as a sign of weakness. I love my mother. She is an amazing person and she has taught me a lot. She also might have been one of the reasons why my sexuality has developed into something so dark and twisted.

This tendency of mine to be swept off my feet by certain men has been in me since I remember. It would not happen often but there were certain kinds of guys (guys whom I found admirable and respectable and who at the same time did not pay much attention to me) around whom I was melting. If I met a guy like that, I would do anything to make him notice me, anything to get a sign of his approval. I’d travel to the other side of the country just for a chance of seeing him for a couple of hours. Usually, I wouldn’t get what I’d hoped for but it wouldn’t keep me from trying.

My mother hated my behaviour around those men. She thought that the way I was acting around them was pitiful. That I should be ashamed of myself for being like that. That I make a joke out of me. She has always told me that it should be men who admire me and not the other way around. That if I behave like that, they will for sure never be mine. Because the path to the heart of a man is being inaccessible. Only then, they will desire me.

There might even be some truth to it in the context of the culture that she was raised in and the, still pervasive today, traditional goals of a woman. There might also be some truth in it if you like when the object of your desire also desires you.

To me, however, it is a slippery slope.

My problem with desire is that I can either be a subject or an object of it but not both at the same time. And if my object makes me their object as well, my subject role gets shaky.

Not that it ever happened to me. I’ve been choosing my objects wisely so far.

I don’t know if it is because, trying to impress my mother, I have suppressed my natural behavior so deeply that now it comes to the surface blown up to unnatural proportions. My hypothesis is: 'Possibly'. But I know that men who are everything to me while I am nothing to them are my ideal kind of men.

I want to crawl at their feet while they don’t even notice.

I want to seek beggingly for a glimpse of their sight while they are busy admiring someone else.

I want to be ecstatic from them merely noticing me.

I want to pray for their touch not believing that I will ever receive it.

I want to be the most miserable, pitiful, despicable kind of girl. The one my mother would shudder with disgust when looking at. I want people to cringe with pity when they see me. I want them to feel sorry for me. I want them to think of me as a loser, unloved, and unlovable. I want them to think that they would never want to switch their places with me and truly mean it.

Because they probably shouldn’t.

Without my highly developed taste for rejection, such experience might prove dangerous for them.

Without my appreciation of hardship, it might not be possible for them to take it.

Without an understanding of the calm beauty of loneliness, the velvety warmth of sadness, and the reassuring composure of disinterest, seeking what I seek might even prove deadly.

For me, however, submission is a means for exploration of exactly those feelings. It is a way to experience a part of me that has never been accepted. It is allowing myself to feel to the fullest the emotions that I have never been allowed to experience.

Not so that I can prove to myself it finishes with a happy ending. Not so that I can show to my mother that she was wrong, that if you truly give yourself to someone what you get in return is their love and devotion.

I don’t think that it is necessarily true.

Rather, submission allows me to experience the rejection that has been so demonized to me, to feel the unreciprocated desire that I have been taught one should never feel. Submission allows me to live through being unloved, unwanted, pitiful, low, and ugly.

So that I can finally, without guilt, taste the forbidden fruit of weakness.

On the pleasure of feeling shame

Disclaimer: I'm writing from a position of a woman because that's the experience that I have. Of course, shame is not only a female experience and I'm not trying to say that is, but that's my personal angle of looking at it.

Shame is a problematic emotion. In principle, it is a negative and not desirable one, of course. Especially for women, shame about our sexuality is deeply ingrained in us culturally, partly as a means of control. If you can control someone's sexuality, you can very easily gain control over other aspects of their lives, as you thwart their self-expression and don't allow them to look for the answers by themselves (yes, I do kind of say that everything, in the end, is about sex).

Since currently, we are in the age of women gaining back the power, being shameless sexually is often seen as a form of a fight against the patriarchy. And in a way it is. By not conforming to social norms, not feeling shame when society tells you to, you show your independence and freedom to live according to your own rules.

But feeling shame doesn't always have to be something negative. Especially in kink. As with many other negative emotions that people normally don't want to experience, kink gives us tools and context to experiment with them without (theoretically) the normal repercussions that would come with it. Context of kink gives you a controlled environment in which you can explore the places to which you normally wouldn't want to go. And that's exactly what I find so appealing about it.

The way I often feel about shame is that it kind of alleviates guilt in me. It allows me to do things that I normally wouldn't do because I would feel that they are not decent (even though I know that deep inside I would enjoy them). But when I'm doing them while feeling ashamed, I feel like part of the blame is gone, because (at least) I am feeling ashamed. Especially when I am ashamed of something that I was 'forced' to do (while secretly enjoying it), like being exposed in rope, for example. I can enjoy the pleasure of being seen and (maybe even) desired, without taking the responsibility for being so openly sexual, keeping a little bit of decency.

Of course, as an independent emancipated young woman of the XXIst century, I could say that I should get rid of these old school ideas of sexuality being something shameful. That I should own my needs and desires and stop hiding away behind a wall of shame. But should I really?

If the (mostly Slavic) culture that I grew up in equipped me with all these notions about what is decent and what not for a woman, allowing me to experience amazing states of misery, why not use it to my advantage? Maybe it is old school to be an innocent damsel in distress when it comes to sex, but how romantic! And have I mentioned that romance is what I live for? So why should I consciously deprive myself of the experiences that I desire in the name of proving something to someone?

I guess that what I am trying to say is that we shouldn't make shame a shameful feeling. Which I feel like it kind of is recently, especially for women in the western European culture (I can't say about other cultures as I haven't been exposed to them long enough). I think that consciously choosing to experience shame, even though it is not something admired in our society is a sign of bravery and not of conforming to stereotypes.

And there is a beauty in shame. In this confusion about breaking the rules, which feels both enjoyable and wrong at the same time. In eating the forbidden fruit. In uncovering something that should stay covered. And also in submitting to the norms of the crowd and feeling the power of the group pressure over you, crushing you under the feeling of inappropriateness. There is a pleasure to be found in allowing yourself to stop fighting against other people trying to dictate your choices and for once let their views take control, while at the same time doing something against what they deem appropriate. It's this perverse feeling of being a 'fallen woman' who lost her status but desperately wants it back.

Rules and norms give one structures and scenarios opening endless possibilities for play. Especially the old school notions are a great tool for that because these archetypes are so deeply ingrained in us that it is very easy to tap into them. Being ashamed of one’s desires, group shaming, shame about being exposed and about one's actions are all situations that we've been surrounded by throughout our lives, even if haven't actively participated in them. I love to play with those notions and use them to my advantage. To let myself live the stories of women who were here before me. To experience their pain and their pleasures.

I wouldn't want to let it go in order to prove how independent and developed I am as a woman. And I don't think that I should have to do that. Sex and play is not a political statement. It's a way of connecting to myself and to my partners in a very pure form. It's a means for exploration of my body and mind. Exploring traditional notions is a very interesting thing to do, even if only as a way of facing them truly and letting them go. Playing with them gives one power over them. It allows one to see them for what they are, states of mind that one gets in and out of, initially unconsciously, but as one grows more aware of them, more and more consciously.

I guess that if I really wanted to, I could stop being so easily ashamed. Only that I don't. Instead, I prefer to take what my upbringing gave me and twist it to the limits. Put my shame in a pressure cooker and see what comes out of it. It is such a fascinating feeling and it brings so much joy to me and my partners. Let's enjoy it while we can. But on our terms.

Being a submissive is not cool

Disclaimer: I am writing this as an attempt to put words to my feelings and shed some light on them. By no means am I treating anything that I wrote here as a fact, nor am I saying that this is how I view the submission in general. I am simply trying to get over something and I hope that letting some of the thoughts out will help.

The more I play and the deeper my submission to my owner becomes, the more I realize that I don't accept it in myself. I'm not at peace with being a submissive. I don't find it cool. No matter how much I hear that it's beautiful. No matter how much people preach that it's a strength to be able to open up and make yourself so vulnerable, that it's a strength to be true to yourself, to recognize your needs and to follow them. I don't find it strength if what I want is to be weak. And that is what submission feels like to me. Being weak. So I show strength by admitting that I am not strong? It seems contradictory and I can't wrap my head around it.

The funny thing is that when I see other submissives interact with their dominants, I find them strong and beautiful. I don't see a sign of weakness. Well, sometimes I do, it depends on the type of dynamic they have. But more often than not, I don't. The more control they give over to the dominant, the more hardship they go through for them, the more in awe I am with them. But not when it's about me. In that case, I see it as pathetic, weak and something to be ashamed of.

I am not sure where it's coming from. I think that it might be because of the values of independence that were cultivated in my family. I feel like showing someone that I need them is a weakness. Wanting to please someone is a weakness. Even more, loving and caring about someone is a weakness. And for me being weak is the feeling that I am the most afraid of. The feeling that I can't cope with something on my own, that I might need someone to help me is something that I find despicable. What I might be even more afraid of, is being seen as weak by other people.

Paradoxically, caring too much about what other people think is what takes the strength away from me. As well as not accepting and being proud of who I am. But that's the thing, I'm not confident enough to be able to do it. And I blame my lack of confidence partly on being submissive. I do think that I am getting this one wrong though.

In my head, there is a link between not needing anyone, confidence, being able to manipulate others and strength, and between wanting to please, shyness, honesty and weakness. Basically, if you need other people, if you let them influence you if you let them make decisions about your life, then you're weak. If you are completely independent, cold, always have a strong opinion and other people listen to you then you're strong. Weak is bad, strong is good.

It so happens that being a submissive entails being a lot of things that I find negative and undesirable. And it so happens that sexually I am a submissive. I tried to assert the dominant role, and it's paralyzing to me. Submission on the other hand comes so naturally as if I was born with it. At the same time, I envy the dominants for who they are. I feel like they have all the desirable traits and I have none. I feel like they are the success and I am a failure.

And the thing is… That they are. Because how is letting someone else decide for you cool? How is sucking up to someone making you interesting? How is following others something to be proud of? No matter how much I try, I can't convince myself that those behaviours have a value. I can't make myself believe that both sides of a D/s dynamic are equally valuable. There are people who lead and people who are led. And it's the people who lead, the ones who are admired and valued. The position of a submissive is always under. It is always the one who is less important, less respected (if at all), who has less (if any) power. It is exactly what I enjoy to be, but at the same time, I hate myself for enjoying it.

Am I a bad feminist? - A sub’s question

I’ve read an article entitled ‘The female price of male pleasure’ today and it stirred up a lot in me... Sadness, shame, guilt, disappointment, anger. A lot of old triggers came up. But also a lot of fresh thoughts were buzzing in my head. The tension was calling for a release. And what is a better valve for an angry and disappointed feminist then listening to Beyonce’s Lemonade and crying? Writing your thoughts down. So I did. It helped me to get over some things. And I feel like sharing it with others might make it even more powerful.

Let’s stop victimizing women

My first reaction to reading the article was a slight annoyance. At first sight it seemed like another statement on female distress in the likes of #metoo campaign which I think did a lot of good but also went a bit off course. It is highlighting the problems that exists in our society, but also victimizing the women, leaving the power still in men’s hands. Coming back to the article, it read a bit along the lines of ‘those poor women need to endure unpleasant sexual intercourse in order to please the stronger sex’. But hey!? I do have a lot of pleasure from sex and I don’t feel like it is only because I give pleasure to my partners (definitely my vaginal orgasms are a very direct and bodily source of pleasure).

So why is nobody talking about female enjoyment, but treating sex like men’s business that women have to endure?

That was a burning question for me. But then, I’ve realized that I am in a privileged position. A lot of women really do not enjoy sex, mostly because they have never had the opportunity to learn to enjoy it. They were conditioned not to think about their needs but about pleasing the others. That realization made me feel guilty and sad. While I am opening up to my kinks and the beauty of a fulfilling sexual life, some women don’t even realize that sex can be pleasurable at all. Let alone getting on a path of finding out what their kinks are.

How can we create an environment when women stop being the victims and start enjoying themselves?

We want a situation, where women are empowered to think for themselves and not allow others to use or abuse them. How do we make women feel that it is ok to say ‘no’? And how do we teach them that saying ‘yes’ is not the only way to get where they want? I believe that women will feel more empowered to speak up when they feel like there will be people who will listen and stand behind them. Even more than that. They should feel that the society as a whole will stand behind them. And for that using sex as a tool of power needs to stop. Sex should be a way to connect to the other person and give pleasure to both participants and not a contract or an exchange of goods.

Wait… Isn’t the kind of sex that I enjoy embodying the power dynamics that we are trying to put an end to?

So yeah… Apparently what I enjoy the most in sex draws on gender stereotypes that are the most deeply rooted within us. Am I enhancing them? How can I be a feminist and at the same time enjoy being humiliated and used by the opposite sex? This is exactly the type of dynamics that the feminists are trying to fight. We are trying to level up the field. Give more power to the women! And what am I doing in this regard? If I was a switch at least… I could kind of feel like I am giving evidence to the equality of the sexes. But I am submissive to the core. Especially when it comes to men. I might even enjoy seeing some cute little girl in distress… But men? Overpowering them really doesn’t turn me on. At the same time, I feel that since I started to explore my submissive nature I have finally became my true self. Am I just fulfilling the role that society conditioned in my brain and that is what makes it feel so good?

Where does my submissive nature come from?

There was a thought in the article that really triggered me:

"At every turn, women are taught that how someone reacts to them does more to establish their goodness and worth than anything they themselves might feel. (…) One side effect of teaching one gender to outsource its pleasure to a third party (and endure a lot of discomfort in the process) is that they're going to be poor analysts of their own discomfort, which they have been persistently taught to ignore."

I felt to the core the truth that was for me in that sentence. I am fighting every day to stop caring so much about what other people might think about me and want from me and start doing what I want. It is one of the biggest obstacles that I have in a pursuit of a fulfilling life. And I do feel that women struggle with this more than men. At the same time, as a submissive, pleasing the others is exactly what I get my pleasure from. I ignore my own discomfort and humiliation in order to make the other happy. So, my submissiveness is basically a betrayal to my daily struggle. I tried to convince myself that the goal of the feminist movement should be to give women the freedom to choose the way they want to live. I should be free to make my own choices on how I want to live and have sex.

But still, why is my pleasure coming from acting out the most stereotypical gender and power configuration?

Is it coming from a cultural brainwash? Am I weak? Why am I not turned on by having power over people, but instead by being overpowered by them? I am not sure if I will ever find answers to these questions.

And does it really matter?

Even if my sexual preference comes from the social conditioning, so what? I can’t change the way that I am wired and why should I? Is pleasing other people really that bad? The fact that you take pleasure in pleasing the others does not make your enjoyment less valid. My feelings are real even if they are conditioned by the way I was raised. In the end, everybody is wired in a certain way due to his genetics and past experiences. Why should I feel bad about myself for being a submissive woman and a man with the same kink should not? Or should he also feel bad because it is considered as a weakness by the 'male' standards? I guess that the way to get free from all that and take control over your life is to accept and embrace who you are. Know yourself, know what gives you joy. Use that to bring happiness to those around you, who can appreciate it. And stop f***ing care what others think.