On the pleasure of feeling shame

Disclaimer: I'm writing from a position of a woman because that's the experience that I have. Of course, shame is not only a female experience and I'm not trying to say that is, but that's my personal angle of looking at it.

Shame is a problematic emotion. In principle, it is a negative and not desirable one, of course. Especially for women, shame about our sexuality is deeply ingrained in us culturally, partly as a means of control. If you can control someone's sexuality, you can very easily gain control over other aspects of their lives, as you thwart their self-expression and don't allow them to look for the answers by themselves (yes, I do kind of say that everything, in the end, is about sex).

Since currently, we are in the age of women gaining back the power, being shameless sexually is often seen as a form of a fight against the patriarchy. And in a way it is. By not conforming to social norms, not feeling shame when society tells you to, you show your independence and freedom to live according to your own rules.

But feeling shame doesn't always have to be something negative. Especially in kink. As with many other negative emotions that people normally don't want to experience, kink gives us tools and context to experiment with them without (theoretically) the normal repercussions that would come with it. Context of kink gives you a controlled environment in which you can explore the places to which you normally wouldn't want to go. And that's exactly what I find so appealing about it.

The way I often feel about shame is that it kind of alleviates guilt in me. It allows me to do things that I normally wouldn't do because I would feel that they are not decent (even though I know that deep inside I would enjoy them). But when I'm doing them while feeling ashamed, I feel like part of the blame is gone, because (at least) I am feeling ashamed. Especially when I am ashamed of something that I was 'forced' to do (while secretly enjoying it), like being exposed in rope, for example. I can enjoy the pleasure of being seen and (maybe even) desired, without taking the responsibility for being so openly sexual, keeping a little bit of decency.

Of course, as an independent emancipated young woman of the XXIst century, I could say that I should get rid of these old school ideas of sexuality being something shameful. That I should own my needs and desires and stop hiding away behind a wall of shame. But should I really?

If the (mostly Slavic) culture that I grew up in equipped me with all these notions about what is decent and what not for a woman, allowing me to experience amazing states of misery, why not use it to my advantage? Maybe it is old school to be an innocent damsel in distress when it comes to sex, but how romantic! And have I mentioned that romance is what I live for? So why should I consciously deprive myself of the experiences that I desire in the name of proving something to someone?

I guess that what I am trying to say is that we shouldn't make shame a shameful feeling. Which I feel like it kind of is recently, especially for women in the western European culture (I can't say about other cultures as I haven't been exposed to them long enough). I think that consciously choosing to experience shame, even though it is not something admired in our society is a sign of bravery and not of conforming to stereotypes.

And there is a beauty in shame. In this confusion about breaking the rules, which feels both enjoyable and wrong at the same time. In eating the forbidden fruit. In uncovering something that should stay covered. And also in submitting to the norms of the crowd and feeling the power of the group pressure over you, crushing you under the feeling of inappropriateness. There is a pleasure to be found in allowing yourself to stop fighting against other people trying to dictate your choices and for once let their views take control, while at the same time doing something against what they deem appropriate. It's this perverse feeling of being a 'fallen woman' who lost her status but desperately wants it back.

Rules and norms give one structures and scenarios opening endless possibilities for play. Especially the old school notions are a great tool for that because these archetypes are so deeply ingrained in us that it is very easy to tap into them. Being ashamed of one’s desires, group shaming, shame about being exposed and about one's actions are all situations that we've been surrounded by throughout our lives, even if haven't actively participated in them. I love to play with those notions and use them to my advantage. To let myself live the stories of women who were here before me. To experience their pain and their pleasures.

I wouldn't want to let it go in order to prove how independent and developed I am as a woman. And I don't think that I should have to do that. Sex and play is not a political statement. It's a way of connecting to myself and to my partners in a very pure form. It's a means for exploration of my body and mind. Exploring traditional notions is a very interesting thing to do, even if only as a way of facing them truly and letting them go. Playing with them gives one power over them. It allows one to see them for what they are, states of mind that one gets in and out of, initially unconsciously, but as one grows more aware of them, more and more consciously.

I guess that if I really wanted to, I could stop being so easily ashamed. Only that I don't. Instead, I prefer to take what my upbringing gave me and twist it to the limits. Put my shame in a pressure cooker and see what comes out of it. It is such a fascinating feeling and it brings so much joy to me and my partners. Let's enjoy it while we can. But on our terms.