So, apparently I've taught myself how to feel
This text is an affirmation of how much I’ve developed in my ability to feel. It is a reminder to myself that I’ve come a long way and that I wasn’t always that attuned with my emotions. In fact, there had been a time when I was the opposite of that. It is also an illustration of what is possible if you put your mind and heart into something. That there is no such thing as having a fixed personality. That we can always change if we want to. But it doesn’t happen without putting in the effort and practice.
One of my current best friends is my ex-boyfriend. We broke up a long time ago and we are often joking about how much good the breakup did to both of us. It is really great to have someone around who knows me intimately for such a long time and cares about me but at the same time is not too emotionally invested. Often, he can see the processes that I am going through much clearer than I am able to see myself. And make me aware of them.
I was talking with him recently about how much we’ve both changed since we were in a relationship together, and one of the things that he made me realize was how completely disconnected from my emotions I’d been back then. He reminded me how each time when he would ask me how I felt about something my answer would be “I don’t know”. And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to reveal it to him but because I truly had no idea. The moment I was turning my attention inwards was like staring into a street clouded with fog where all you can see is 50 centimetres in front of you. You know that there is something behind that milky wall, but there is no possibility of telling what.
Looking at myself now, I find it quite unbelievable. I like to think that currently, I have quite an unusual capacity to experience and express my feelings. Usually, even in the midst of the most emotionally challenging situations, I am able to observe what I feel clearly and objectively. I am able to analyse my emotions and separate them from facts. I am able to honestly express even the most uncomfortable feelings. And actually feel them at the same time.
The whole point of my favourite kind of BDSM play nowadays is being an outside observer of my own misery, taking a back seat and watching myself going through emotional pain while at the same time experiencing it. And the reason why I can enjoy it this way is that I can deeply feel even the most uncomfortable and painful emotions without shutting off. I can savour them without getting overwhelmed.
But it didn’t use to be that way. I wasn’t born with an innate capacity to feel even if it might seem like it sometimes. Or rather, I was born with it like all of us are, but I definitely lost it along the way. I did manage to gain it back but it was occupied with hard work, and what I’ve just realized, years of practice.
What has helped me in making a change was the realization that in order to feel good, I needed to first feel at all. In the past, I’d shut off my feelings because I didn’t want to experience negative emotions. There were just too many of them and it seemed like experiencing all of it would make my life unmanageable. So I decided not to feel. And it was working. I was managing my life well and achieving more and more successes. Or so it seemed.
The point of change came when I had to make a big life decision and I realized that I am completely incapable of recognizing what is the right thing to do. I rationally kind of knew what it was but I didn't feel it. And without feeling it, I wasn't able to take a step. At that point, I understood that I needed someone to help me tap into my emotions because I am not able to do it on my own. So I went into therapy.
It took me 6 months to get even a small glimpse into my own feelings and to make the necessary step. It took me 6 years to become able to observe and express my emotions about a situation at hand in a reasonable time and not when they come banging at my door driven to a complete extreme. I am still not at the point when in difficult circumstances I can experience my feelings real-time and express them in a non-violent and constructive manner but I am working every day towards getting there.
Learning to recognize and let my feelings in was a difficult undertaking. It took a lot of effort and hard work. It involved psychotherapy, meditation, journaling and other practices. But first and foremost, it required a willingness to look for the answers inside of myself. To face the reality of the turmoil within me and stop turning my face away from it. Before I could even think of changing anything, I had to first hear the thoughts and see the images that I was trying to push away. The ones that made me so afraid of feeling.
Right now I tremendously enjoy my emotions. They are the soul of my life. They add colour and depth to it. They provide me with excitement and pleasure. They make me feel alive.
Even more so, it seems that the things that I used to run away from, now became my biggest fetishes. The feelings of rejection, helplessness and fear that I used to shut off are now what I desire. Maybe it’s because being able to look them in the eye and allow them to rule me on my own terms is what makes me feel stronger. Maybe seeing them as simply manifestations of life takes away their power, leaving just the intensity. Maybe facing something that I used to be so terrified of gives me the feeling of thrill, and thrill is sexy. I am not sure, but I know that without consciously leaning into my emotions I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the kind of play that I do now.
I see the kind of relationship that I have with myself as the deepest form of intimacy one can ever achieve. There is no other person in the world with whom you can get as close as you can get with yourself. And there is no way that you can build intimacy with other people if you do not have an intimate relationship with yourself. Being able to communicate and share my feelings with other people is a quality that I value enormously. It brings me closer to people. It deepens my trust and my connection with them. It makes me feel seen and understood. But without acknowledging what is inside of me, I would never be able to see and hear what is inside of them.
Reconnecting with my feelings might just be the biggest work that I’ve done on myself so far. And being where I am now is both great and terrifying at the same time.
The great thing is that it allows me to have all these amazing experiences that I could never have dreamed of having before. It gives depth and intensity to anything that I am going through and it allows me to learn from every single life experience because I can truly see things for what they are without wanting to turn away from them.
It can be terrifying, though, because once you start feeling deeply, you feel the good as much as you feel the bad. And once you start seeing things truly, there is no way to unsee them. Once you know what it means to stay connected to yourself, it becomes difficult to slip into the slumber of not feeling because when you start doing that it is as obvious as if you would start cutting off your own leg. And sometimes there are things happening in my life when I wish I could not feel.
But then I remind myself how much I would have to give up in order to do that. All the wisdom that pain has brought me. All the joy that being in the moment has given me. And then I let go and allow myself to feel what I didn’t want to feel. And I am grateful for having taught myself how to do that.
