So, apparently I've taught myself how to feel

This text is an affirmation of how much I’ve developed in my ability to feel. It is a reminder to myself that I’ve come a long way and that I wasn’t always that attuned with my emotions. In fact, there had been a time when I was the opposite of that. It is also an illustration of what is possible if you put your mind and heart into something. That there is no such thing as having a fixed personality. That we can always change if we want to. But it doesn’t happen without putting in the effort and practice.

One of my current best friends is my ex-boyfriend. We broke up a long time ago and we are often joking about how much good the breakup did to both of us. It is really great to have someone around who knows me intimately for such a long time and cares about me but at the same time is not too emotionally invested. Often, he can see the processes that I am going through much clearer than I am able to see myself. And make me aware of them.

I was talking with him recently about how much we’ve both changed since we were in a relationship together, and one of the things that he made me realize was how completely disconnected from my emotions I’d been back then. He reminded me how each time when he would ask me how I felt about something my answer would be “I don’t know”. And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to reveal it to him but because I truly had no idea. The moment I was turning my attention inwards was like staring into a street clouded with fog where all you can see is 50 centimetres in front of you. You know that there is something behind that milky wall, but there is no possibility of telling what. 

Looking at myself now, I find it quite unbelievable. I like to think that currently, I have quite an unusual capacity to experience and express my feelings. Usually, even in the midst of the most emotionally challenging situations, I am able to observe what I feel clearly and objectively. I am able to analyse my emotions and separate them from facts. I am able to honestly express even the most uncomfortable feelings. And actually feel them at the same time.

The whole point of my favourite kind of BDSM play nowadays is being an outside observer of my own misery, taking a back seat and watching myself going through emotional pain while at the same time experiencing it. And the reason why I can enjoy it this way is that I can deeply feel even the most uncomfortable and painful emotions without shutting off. I can savour them without getting overwhelmed.
But it didn’t use to be that way. I wasn’t born with an innate capacity to feel even if it might seem like it sometimes. Or rather, I was born with it like all of us are, but I definitely lost it along the way. I did manage to gain it back but it was occupied with hard work, and what I’ve just realized, years of practice. 

What has helped me in making a change was the realization that in order to feel good, I needed to first feel at all. In the past, I’d shut off my feelings because I didn’t want to experience negative emotions. There were just too many of them and it seemed like experiencing all of it would make my life unmanageable. So I decided not to feel. And it was working. I was managing my life well and achieving more and more successes. Or so it seemed.

The point of change came when I had to make a big life decision and I realized that I am completely incapable of recognizing what is the right thing to do. I rationally kind of knew what it was but I didn't feel it. And without feeling it, I wasn't able to take a step. At that point, I understood that I needed someone to help me tap into my emotions because I am not able to do it on my own. So I went into therapy.

It took me 6 months to get even a small glimpse into my own feelings and to make the necessary step. It took me 6 years to become able to observe and express my emotions about a situation at hand in a reasonable time and not when they come banging at my door driven to a complete extreme. I am still not at the point when in difficult circumstances I can experience my feelings real-time and express them in a non-violent and constructive manner but I am working every day towards getting there. 

Learning to recognize and let my feelings in was a difficult undertaking. It took a lot of effort and hard work. It involved psychotherapy, meditation, journaling and other practices. But first and foremost, it required a willingness to look for the answers inside of myself. To face the reality of the turmoil within me and stop turning my face away from it. Before I could even think of changing anything, I had to first hear the thoughts and see the images that I was trying to push away. The ones that made me so afraid of feeling. 

Right now I tremendously enjoy my emotions. They are the soul of my life. They add colour and depth to it. They provide me with excitement and pleasure. They make me feel alive. 

Even more so, it seems that the things that I used to run away from, now became my biggest fetishes. The feelings of rejection, helplessness and fear that I used to shut off are now what I desire. Maybe it’s because being able to look them in the eye and allow them to rule me on my own terms is what makes me feel stronger. Maybe seeing them as simply manifestations of life takes away their power, leaving just the intensity. Maybe facing something that I used to be so terrified of gives me the feeling of thrill, and thrill is sexy. I am not sure, but I know that without consciously leaning into my emotions I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the kind of play that I do now. 

I see the kind of relationship that I have with myself as the deepest form of intimacy one can ever achieve. There is no other person in the world with whom you can get as close as you can get with yourself. And there is no way that you can build intimacy with other people if you do not have an intimate relationship with yourself. Being able to communicate and share my feelings with other people is a quality that I value enormously. It brings me closer to people. It deepens my trust and my connection with them. It makes me feel seen and understood. But without acknowledging what is inside of me, I would never be able to see and hear what is inside of them. 

Reconnecting with my feelings might just be the biggest work that I’ve done on myself so far. And being where I am now is both great and terrifying at the same time. 

The great thing is that it allows me to have all these amazing experiences that I could never have dreamed of having before. It gives depth and intensity to anything that I am going through and it allows me to learn from every single life experience because I can truly see things for what they are without wanting to turn away from them. 

It can be terrifying, though, because once you start feeling deeply, you feel the good as much as you feel the bad. And once you start seeing things truly, there is no way to unsee them. Once you know what it means to stay connected to yourself, it becomes difficult to slip into the slumber of not feeling because when you start doing that it is as obvious as if you would start cutting off your own leg. And sometimes there are things happening in my life when I wish I could not feel.

But then I remind myself how much I would have to give up in order to do that. All the wisdom that pain has brought me. All the joy that being in the moment has given me. And then I let go and allow myself to feel what I didn’t want to feel. And I am grateful for having taught myself how to do that. 

Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.3 The most important question

Disclaimer: All conclusions and thoughts that I share here are filtered through my interpretation of the words of the participants. Even when I quote the others, I do it based on my memory and understanding. The participants consented to me writing an account of our discussion, however they did not authorize this text. Therefore, I take full responsibility for what is written below, however, I want to acknowledge that it wouldn’t exist without the input of all the participants of the round table and I am really grateful to them for showing up and sharing so openly and richly.

This is the third and the last of the articles that resulted from a round table discussion which I moderated during the last EURIX in the Fall of ‘19 and in which Anna Bones and Saara Rei were my main interviewees. The first one was centred around the topics of empowerment and authenticity of rope bottoms. The second one circled around being part of a community and how it impacts our practice. In this one, I summarize the insights from asking the participants a question that to me was the clue of the entire discussion and the one that I was leading towards. 

“What was your mindset and prerequisites for the best rope scenes that you’ve had?”

It was so important to me to ask this question because I believed that it will shift our discussion from theorizing about what is and isn’t important in bottoming to an empirical analysis that will be based on tangible experiences. In the end, the goal of both partners in rope is to have an amazing session. I wanted us to realize how much we as bottoms contribute to that outcome because I believe that we do. I believe that it is not only the rigger who is giving us amazing experiences but it is also us who can facilitate it. And that our good experience impacts our partners as it translates into the beauty of the tie and their involvement and enjoyment. I was hoping that the answers of the participants will give more substance to my beliefs in this regard. And they did.

First and foremost, embrace all the experience

What turned out to be the most important mindset that can make or break our scenes according to the round table participants was the readiness to embrace all the experiences in ropes, and especially the negative ones. It should not have come as a surprise to me as it was perfectly aligned with my intuition about what makes for the best scenes, but it did just because of how strong and unanimous this observation was among the participants. 

Both Anna Bones and Saara Rei (and I join them here) indicated that the most important bottoming attitude that brought the best scenes to them was being open to all the experience, not only looking for and expecting positive emotions but embracing and welcoming everything that comes.

Rope bondage by its nature evokes a lot of negative feelings, fear, pain, panic, helplessness, resignation, sadness, loneliness and rejection, just to name a few. If you close yourself to these, you close off to most of the experience that might be awaiting you in a session and your scene can become quite superficial. On the other hand, if you open up to the negative feelings, if you allow them to fill you up, to speak through your body, it can be a transformative and even cathartic experience.

It is easier said than done, though. You need a lot of courage to show up for all the emotions and bodily sensations that a rope scene might ignite in you. To not shut off your feelings but to take them on and truly experience them. Being able to do that does not come easily. It requires conscious practice and an open and investigative approach. And there are certain conditions that we touched upon in our discussion that can make it easier for that openness to happen.

The importance of trust

Time and again the notion of trust was coming up. Rope bondage is an activity in which the bottom hands over the power over their body and their safety to the rigger. It seems obvious that trusting the person who you give such power is essential. However, this common-sense notion is not always practised among the bottoms, especially among beginners. 

And it is understandable. When I began getting tied, I wanted to do it as much as possible. Just getting into ropes was way more important to me than who's ropes they were. I simply wanted to feel the ropes squeezing emotions out of me as often as I could. Over time it has changed, though. From my own experience, and as I’ve learned during the round table also from the experiences of others, the longer you tie, the smaller the frequency and amount of people that you want to get tied by. And that is not because over time we become elitist and only want to tie with the best or the most famous riggers. Rather, we learn to tie only with people whom we truly trust. And unfortunately, they are not so easy to encounter.

Reasons for trust can be multiple. It can come from knowing the person well, it can come from their skills, from recommendations of other people who you trust, or simply from having a good feeling about the person.

Different people have different means to decide whether they trust to get tied by someone or not. Saara Rei, for example, mentioned among others that she never gets tied by a new person prior to seeing them tie and being able to assess whether they are tying safely according to her standards (for example, locking the tsuri lines properly). I usually don’t consider tying with a new person unless I have spoken with them a couple of times and I feel like I have a good feeling of what kind of person they are. 

No matter what your way to make up your mind about trusting a person is, one thing is certain, getting tied by someone who you don’t trust is a recipe for a bad scene. In the most optimistic scenario.

The importance of clear communication

A statement that clear communication is important in rope bondage sounds like a terrible cliche. Despite that, I am still not sure if we are fully aware of how many aspects of a scene are influenced by the quality of the communication between the partners. 

It is often the case that the crucial part of the communication is taking place before the actual scene. Many participants indicated that having a feeling that their partner is seeing and hearing them prior tying was indicative of how good the scene was going to be. Two things are important to achieve that. First, it is important to be able to communicate your needs clearly and assertively. Second, we need to have trust towards the partner that these needs will be listened to.

To be able to communicate our needs, we need first to know what these needs are. Seems trivial but it is far from that. Communicating one’s needs does not necessarily mean giving a specific scenario that you want your scene to follow. It might also mean expressing that you want your partner to take you anywhere they want and that you are aware of the risks involved. That you are aware that they might accidentally cross your boundaries and you are willing to deal with the consequences. Without the latter statement, you should not count on your partner to truly let go and give you the experience that you desire. As long as they are a decent human being, they will be too afraid to hurt you unintentionally. 

It is also important to communicate your expectations in terms of the emotional intensity that you are looking for. one of the participants indicated that for her being attuned in these terms is one of the most important ingredients for a great scene. For example, I usually go quite deep in my scenes and I also usually get sexually aroused in rope. As great as it might sound, it might not match with what my partner is looking for. It is better to communicate it beforehand and if your expectations don’t match, simply don’t do rope or do it another day when your moods are more aligned. 

Getting to know your body is essential to go deeper

A very important point was raised by another participant who indicated that for her, getting to know her body in ropes, understanding it, is a key to be able to go deeper. This remark was a good wake up call for all of us after we’ve spent a lot of time talking about the emotional experiences, mindsets and feelings in ropes and it seemed like we almost forgot that rope bondage is a bodily activity.

Any mental state that we achieve, we achieve through our bodies. Forgetting about the physical experience in ropes and focusing solely on the mind, misses a bigger part of the practice.

There are many different ways to learn your body in ropes, I believe. For example, you can learn the theory of anatomy and body mechanics. You can try to understand what is happening in ropes to your body and base your feeling of safety on your knowledge and understanding. You can learn to actively protect different parts of your body depending on your conscious actions and execute that protection whenever you feel you should. 

You can also learn your body in ropes more intuitively, not by analysing what is happening to your body on an anatomical level but rather trying to simply feel whether what is happening is right or wrong. I believe that by progressively putting yourself in slightly more difficult positions or observing how different ties of different people feel, and by trying to remember what felt good and safe without necessarily analysing it in detail in your head, you can also learn your body in ropes pretty well. You won’t be able to describe exactly what is happening to you, but you will be able to tell whether you are safe. 

One way or another, treating rope as a bodily practice and learning your body in ropes is essential if you want to go deep. 

Some things come with experience

All skills that I've listed above are very important and maybe even essential if you want deep and satisfying experiences in ropes. And like any skill, they require time and practice to develop. That does not mean that you can’t have great scenes at the beginning of your journey, but simply that the better you get at the things mentioned, the deeper your experiences will become. And there is nothing wrong with that. This actually is where the beauty of rope bottoming is for me and the reason why I feel that I will never get tired of it.

In the beginning, everything is new and exciting. You want to tie with everyone, you want to experience every style. You do not have much understanding of what you are doing, though. You do not truly understand the risks. You do not know why you want to be in ropes. You do not feel comfortable in ropes. You experience a lot of excitement, fear, panic, pain or arousal but you can’t go much deeper. Your body and mind are too alarmed for that.  

With time you develop depth in your bottoming. You become a more aware and full persona in bondage. You build a repertoire of experiences that you can provide to you and your rigger. You are comfortable enough in ropes to begin to experience deeper and more complex emotions. Your mind is not in a state of constant panic anymore and you learn how to manipulate your mental states in ropes, how to play with them and how to express yourself. 

Also, with your growing experience, your partners can push you more and more. They can tie you more intensely because they know that you are aware enough to take part of the responsibility. They can trust that both of you have the same level of knowledge to be able to understand the risks involved and therefore the responsibility for your experiences is more equally distributed. 

With practice, you also learn how to deal with things when they go wrong. You learn what you need before and after the scene, for it to go well, you learn to make informed decisions about your partners and the circumstances for doing bondage. And you can inform your partners better on how to take care of you and provide both of you with a great experience. Over time, you also learn what you can and can’t do. You learn your body, its ability, its strong and weak points, and you are able to communicate them to your rigger. 

Experience makes you also become calmer in ropes. More composed. You learn how to express and communicate without words. You learn to recognize what is and isn’t safe. Thanks to that, your scenes can become longer and more fluent and you and your partner can start to experiment more. As Anna Bones said, at the beginning of your bottoming education you need to learn how to communicate verbally in ropes. How to talk about your experiences to your rigger. 

As you grow in your bottoming, you learn how to communicate less with words and more with your body and facial expressions. You begin to fill ropes with your expression and speak to your rigger with your reactions. You stop talking because you begin to feel and express the unspeakable. It is not anymore about safe or unsafe, painful or comfortable. It becomes a matter of whispers, murmurs and subtleties. The depth of your breath and twitch of your feet. The expressions of emotions that can’t be named.

I hope that reading this article makes you at least partly as inspired as listening to and discussing with the participants made me. I believe that we came to beautiful conclusions about what it is that we do in ropes as bottoms, why we love it and how can we facilitate ourselves and our partners in having even better and more enriching experiences.

Rope bondage provides us with a special space where we can explore the areas of our body and mind which are usually unexplored. It allows us to go to places which people don’t visit in their everyday lives. These places are often dark and scary but facing them with a mature mind, heart and body and with a trustworthy partner by your side can lead to truly cathartic experiences. 

And as much as becoming a good rigger takes years of relentless practice, I believe that becoming a fully developed bottom can take years of practice as well. Not technical empirical practice as it is in case of tying, but working with your mind and body to open up and to persevere, grappling with oneself and one’s fears and teaching your body to accept and adjust to the extreme conditions that you put it through. Finally, being a good bottom also means knowing oneself extremely well and being able to communicate about it. It means knowing how to recognize the people who are worthy to put your life in their hands and being able to let go and truly give it to them when they are.

I am not saying that every bottom should take on this path and I am not saying that those who don’t are not worthy of admiration. The sheer fact that you show up for a scene should be enough as long as its enough for your partner. There is no better or worse here. But what I am trying to say is that there are things in bottoming practice that are truly difficult and require mastery. And that the results that one gets from working on them are tangible and worth putting in the effort. 

To me, rope is about losing control

Photo by Dolph Vex.

I started bottoming in a community where the presence of active power bottoms was very prominent. I was surrounded by the notions of exercising for rope, stretching, managing your body in ropes and co-creating the ties with the rigger. In the beginning, I was trying to become like those models as they were the only role models that I’ve had. However, after some attempts, I started feeling like there is something in their approach that did not fit my personality and the reasons why I loved rope. The deeper I was going into rope bondage, the more certain I was becoming that this way of bottoming is not how I see myself in ropes. It was leaving too much control in the hands of the model (at least seemingly) and that was the opposite of what I wanted. 

At the same time, I did not see any alternatives for myself. I ended up feeling inadequate and like a failure. I felt like my approach was inferior to the other models and as if I didn’t contribute to the tying as much as the ‘active’ models did. I am very ambitious, therefore I could not stand feeling this way. At the same time, I had a strong conviction that I don't want to give up my (what I felt) real self in ropes for the sake of living up to the expectations and being among the ‘cool and enlightened models’.

As a side note, I have to make it clear that what I say here is extremely subjective and written from the perspective of how I felt about these things and not how my environment saw me. In fact, I have no idea how other people looked at it. I’ve mostly heard positive things from people around me about myself in ropes, but I think that because it seemed to me like all the most popular models are different from me, and because I could not find any voice that would resonate with me, I felt like my approach must be inferior. 
That was when I attended my first kinbaku and semenawa-centred workshop by Riccardo Wildties and WykD Dave and I’ve met their amazing models RedSabbath and Clover. Getting to know them really changed my perspective and I felt like I finally found successful models whose reasons for doing ropes seemed to be more aligned with mine and whose words and approaches were really inspiring to me. It seemed like, the same as myself, what they were looking for in ropes was to lose control. Ropes for them were inseparable from D/s, they were actually a tool to play out their D/s dynamic. They were not looking for the physical challenge as much as they were looking for a mental one. And that was in many ways how I felt about rope bondage as well. So maybe, in the end, I was not completely insane?

I don’t want to create a huge divide between the two approaches. Actually, I don’t even think that there are only two. I believe that there are many more, probably as many as there are rope bottoms. There are many flavours of bottoming and even I, as a single person, am not always the same in the way that I bottom. It very much depends on who I tie with and how. However, there are certain dividing factors between approaches to bottoming, the same way as there are dividing factors between different styles of tying. It doesn't mean that you always need to apply only one, the same way as, as a rigger, you don't always need to tie in the same style and mood. Riggers apply different techniques depending on their current goals in bondage. I believe that the same holds for the models.

Depending on why you do rope or simply what you want to get out of a scene, different skills/attitudes will help you to get where you want to be. I don’t think that there are some universal skills that a rope bottom should posses. I think that it is extremely dependent on what you want to achieve in ropes and what your motivations are. 

Recently, I’ve been discovering what my motivations are (at least for the bigger part of my bondage). I already wrote about ropes being a tool for me to challenge myself mentally and what I do in order to help the rigger in bringing me to my limits. Another thing that is quite crucial for me is how I see the power relation between myself in ropes and the rigger and how that affects my attitude in bondage. And that is what I want to talk about here.

I don’t feel empowered in rope

One of the important realizations for me recently was that I don’t do rope to feel empowered, but rather to explore my weaknesses. My goal of being in ropes in never to feel strong and I don’t feel as such when I am bound. It seems to be in contrast to many models that I’ve spoken to in the European communities. I often hear from models (both the physically active ones and the ones that have a more receiving kinbaku attitude) that doing rope makes them feel strong and beautiful. That they feel empowered when sustaining the hardship of bondage. That being able to meet the challenge gives them some kind of inner strength. I, on the other hand, usually feel miserable and violated in ropes, both physically and mentally. I feel bare and exposed. I feel vulnerable. And that is also what I am looking for. 

I think that this different mindset changes my attitude in ropes a lot. For me, being in ropes is one of those rare moments when I allow myself to feel weak and disempowered, to let my guard down and hand over the power over my faith to another person for once. 

I feel like if I would want to maintain a feeling of strength and empowerment in rope, it would require a constant fight against the circumstances. I would need to put my energy into making myself feel strong despite what is happening to me. It’s a bit of a mindset of standing still in the midst of the thunderstorm. It is a very noble and respectable one and I can imagine that it can make one feel good. It's not what I am doing, though. I rather let the thunderstorm sweep me away.

I feel like most of my life I am trying to stand still in the midst of a thunderstorm. I am fighting to maintain an image of a strong and capable person, to protect my dignity and to gain the respect of people. And as much as it feels good to succeed in it, it can also be very tiring.

Especially for me, since I am also strongly drawn to the feeling of being down, of dropping low in the ranks of society, of shedding off all the social and personal expectations and simply exist at the bottom of the chain, bondage is a means to explore those situations without hindering my day to day life. It’s my sandbox to explore the feelings of lowliness and disgrace. It's a moment for me to finally let go and just be. At that moment I find freedom.

And, paradoxically, being able to explore those dark places can have a very empowering effect in the sense of realizing one’s own resilience. When you get as low as is humanly possible, when you bare yourself so much that the audience can see your insides spilling out of you and you come out of it alive, that's a powerful experience. And it can lead to a feeling of empowerment.

You are like an insect that has just shed its carapace. At first, your outside is still very soft and vulnerable, but when it hardens it becomes even more invincible than the one you've just shed. 

You need to first go low in order to get to that point, however. You need to dare to be vulnerable and weak if you want to feel the kind of aftermath strength that I am talking about here. And you have to bear in mind that that feeling of strength might only come much much later or not come at all. That is because it is only a possible side effect of your experience, but not its direct result. Therefore, it should not be your goal per se.

I want to lose control

One of the most desired and pleasurable states for me is being truly out of control. Out of control over my body and, which I desire even more, out of control over my mind. And rope bondage is a perfect tool to achieve it as, whether we want to admit it or not, being bound means having our control taken away. 

People often talk about the model being actually the one who is in control in ropes because they are the ones who can stop the scene at any time. But is it really the case? Only, if we assume that the rigger will adhere to the social norms and let them out when they demand it. So the model can only maintain some level of control if the rigger allows them for it. Therefore, we (should) tie with people whom we trust that they will give us back our power when we request it. Because in the moment of being in their ropes, we are at their mercy. I wouldn’t really call it being in control.

I think that sometimes we lie to ourselves a bit, trying to make out of bondage something that it wasn’t made for and then being surprised when its true nature reveals itself to us in an unexpected moment.

Because as much as you want to feel powerful and in control in ropes, as much as you want to make a dance and a mutual exchange out of bondage, the truth is that by letting someone bind you, you hand the power over to them. Trying to deny it or to not seeing it might lead to painful disillusions later on.

Of course, I can imagine the kind of decorative bondage where the model maintains all the control over their body and the rope does not restrict them in any way. In that case, I admit that my words will not hold anymore. But in most styles of bondage, some form of restriction does take place, and therefore the model gives away some of their power to the rigger.

In a way, I do believe that most of the models are looking for that loss of control at some level, otherwise, they wouldn’t be intrigued by bondage. Being powerless is at the core of rope bondage and I think that it usually is the core of the activity that people are attracted to, even if they don’t dare to immerse themselves fully in it and only tread around it in their practice. I do, however, understand why one wouldn’t want to go for it all the way. It is one thing to be intrigued or attracted to something and another to truly experience it.

During an amazing lecture of Bergborg on Akechi Denki that I attended recently at the Prague Shibari Festival, he showed us a video where the Master says that “a woman who lets you tie herself is like a diamond and one should treasure her”. Hearing it in contemporary Europe one might think that the world has truly changed and it is not the case anymore. Because there seems to be a lot of models who want to be tied, a lot of people are interested in being a rope model. Finding a person who wants to be in ropes is not such a difficult endeavour nowadays. 

The question is though, are they really interested in all that it entails? Do they truly want to hand over the control over their bodies and their minds, and possibly lives to another person? Do they understand what they are signing up for? Or are they just up for a thrill, interested in what it feels like to be tied, but without the real understanding of what it might lead to and what it means to be bound?

I think that a model who is ready to truly give themselves to the rigger, who wants to go all the way, who realizes the potential that rope bondage has and still wants to explore it, is still a real treasure. Because handing over your body (and mind) for someone else to toy with is not a small thing. Having one's physical and (even more importantly) mental limits pushed is not a small thing. Being broken and rebuilt in captivity requires courage and a strong spirit. A responsible rigger will only go as far with someone who they trust will be able to withstand it. And I think that finding such someone is not a common thing.

I guess that it is quite obvious that I have a preference for rope that is dark and strongly rooted in D/s and SM. I am fascinated by the potential of rope bondage to challenge me physically and mentally. I realize that it is not the case for everyone and I don’t think that it should be. I do not try to convince everyone to follow my footsteps. I am happy that different people enjoy rope in their own ways. It's such a versatile and multifaceted activity that it can meet many different needs of different people, be it a physical challenge, creating art, exploring a D/s dynamic or simply having some fun.

I do have a feeling, however, that if you want to get to the core of rope bondage if you want to explore its full potential, if you want to squeeze out of your practice everything there is to squeeze then you will end up in a similar place to where I am at the moment. Because, if you think about it, the act of being bound has always been both a symbol and an enactment of losing control and giving up the power.

In old Japan, hojojutsu was used either as a martial art or as a symbol of defeat and being held in captivity. Afterwards, when the act of binding became aestheticized and eroticized in art, it was still an act of disempowerment and lack of control of the bound person that was a subject of the aesthetic and erotic pleasure (and the torment of being in such situation). And if disempowerment was at the core of rope bondage from its origin, I can’t imagine practising it truly without that part included (at least if you still want to call it kinbaku).

Of course, you can use rope for many other things, for connection, for sensory experience, for a feeling of flow, for the beauty of the form. I do feel, however, that doing so is a bit like taming a beast by knocking out its teeth. Sure, the result is that it won’t bite you anymore and you might even domesticate it, but that newly acquired pet will not be as wild, beautiful and mysterious as it was when you’ve seen it for the first time and became fascinated by it. 

And I am truly fascinated by the beast. I am drawn to the dark corners of human experience that rope bondage allows me to explore. I appreciate the environment which being in ropes provides me for exploring myself at my weakest and most helpless. I appreciate that it offers me the possibility to, for once, be different than society tells me to be, to stop fighting for my power, to let go of control, to allow someone else to decide my faith, to express everything that I should not express. 

To me, being in ropes is the moment when I stop playing by the rules. When I can finally get to explore the parts of my psyche that I was told I should not explore. I would not say that it is the moment when I finally become myself, but rather that it is the moment when I can try out the versions of myself that I haven’t been allowed to explore in normal life. I don't say that it is easy. I don't say that it is for everyone. I don't say that it is all fun. But to me, what I describe here is what draws me to rope bondage. That glimpse of freedom that you gain only when you finally have nothing more to lose.

To me, rope is about exploring the limits of the mind

I am currently trying to define what drives me in rope bondage so that I can understand better where I stand in the realm of rope bottoming and (hopefully) make it easier for people who hear my thoughts on it to interpret them and find a place for them within their own definitions. 

By no means is what I write about here set in stone. I am ever-evolving and it might be that in half a year my thoughts on the topic will change completely. Also, it is not an exhaustive definition of who I am in ropes. I only touch upon some aspects of my modelling here. Some others I talk about in my other posts and there might be more to come on things that I've realised recently and haven’t shared yet. Also, it is not that I am living what I describe here at all times. Some things that I talk about are more prominent in my modelling than others, but still, I am sure that there are scenes in which nothing of what I write about in this post applies to me. 

I do think, however, that what I am touching upon are some of the driving forces that drew me towards, and keep me with, rope and kinbaku. What I describe is like a compass that steers my rope journey. I don’t always follow the route that it indicates, but in the end, I always come back to it. It is what inspires me and partly what makes me in rope me. I am writing about it as a way for me to make sense out of it, but also to possibly inspire other people to think differently about their bondage. I am not trying to convince anyone that this is the way to do it (even if I sound like it at times), so please refrain from asking me to put disclaimers that it is a personal account and not a prescription on rope bottoming in general.

Disclaimer: This is a personal account and not a prescription on rope bottoming in general.

These are some of my reasons for doing rope bondage and my personal approach to it. I hope that you will have some pleasure from reading it and take from it what you feel like.

I want to explore my mental limits, but not cross them

The intensity of the experience in ropes for me often comes from dancing on the verge of my limits. And the limits that I'm talking about here are psychological rather than physical. I think that the difference between mental and physical limits is that the first ones are way more fluid and situation dependent. Also, for me, the latter is often driven by the former. I can only push myself so far for the sake of a physical challenge, but when pleasing my Dominant comes into play, or simply suffering without any control over it, I turn out to be capable of way more than I thought I am. 

Pushing one’s mental limits is a very delicate matter. It is quite easy to realise that you’ve damaged yourself physically, but when it comes to psychological damage, things get murkier and much more complex. That is why for this kind of exploration you need to be able to feel very well what is happening within you and you need to be able to communicate it to your rigger so that they know what they are doing.

Going slow and constant communication is the key if you want your rigger to be aware of how much they can push you at all times. If you act tough for the bigger part of the scene and push away the psychological reactions that they are causing in you, there is a big risk that once you finally react, you will already be too far, because your reaction will be a result of passing your limits and things spilling out of you uncontrollably. And that is what you want to avoid. If you both go slow, however, and if you are both attuned to each other, you can get to really amazing places without using extreme tools for that. Sometimes less is more and the deeper you both are immersed in the scene, the less you need to do externally to make the other feel. It is more a matter of depth of immersion than the strength of the act itself.

I often observe riggers in workshops going very far very quick with their models. For example, in Soptik’s and mine recent workshop on Humiliation during the Prague Shibari Festival, there was a simple exercise of tying an upper chest harness that had a humiliating aspect to it. That was all that Soptik did on me (tied the chest harness), and because of his clear intention and small details in his behaviour, my reaction to the tie was quite strong. When the participants’ turn came, they went (as Wildties would say) byzantine. They started tying models faces, hanging things on them, exposing them and going into verbal humiliation. All because they wanted to get a reaction. However, the reactions of most of the models were not as strong as mine.

In my opinion, the reason for that was twofold. First, the models did not allow their feelings to flow through them freely. They were blocking the feelings of humiliation or were simply distracted, waiting for the rigger to do something that will put them in the right mindset. Secondly, the riggers were doing too much without the right intention. Sometimes, doing less and slowing down is a much better tool for making the model tuned in than overwhelming them with experiences. It is like with tenderising the meat (My partner, Asiana likes to use that comparison when she talks about semenawa), if you progress slowly, it’s like marinating the model. You don’t need much to make her ‘tender’ (read: get a reaction) if you prepared her well. If you haven’t prepared her beforehand, though, you need to strike really hard to get the same result, additionally substantially increasing the risk of causing damage in the process. 

As a model, I can’t do anything about the intentionality and intensity of what my rigger is giving me. I can, however, work on my own mindset to make it easier for them to work with me. Therefore, in a rope scene, I am usually trying to give the rigger all the information possible for them to be able to push me in the right way.

For that, I first focus on receiving the information from within myself, sensitizing myself to be able to read it and then I try to communicate what I am feeling to the rigger. Of course, I don’t only do these things to make the life of the rigger easier. For the bigger part, I do it because it allows me to reach the states that I am looking for. 

First and foremost, I want to feel

The most important reason for me to do rope is that it makes me feel. And the feelings that it can elicit are exactly the ones that I am looking for in BDSM: misery, helplessness, lack of control, surrender, submission, resignation, arousal, humiliation, objectification, fear. A skilled rigger can make me feel all these in a rope scene. And much more. 

I have an impression that because the progression in a rope scene is much slower than, for example, in an impact play scene, and there are many times when I am in a way left to myself, there is a lot of time for my mind to process what is happening to me and build its own story around it. I believe that that is the reason why I can get to as complex emotions with rope as I do with verbal play (which I really really love exactly for the level of emotional complexity one can achieve with it). In rope, instead of my partner enchanting me with their words, my head is doing it for them, manipulating my emotions and creating complex scenarios based on the actions of the rigger. So far, I haven’t found any other form of play that would allow for such emotional complexity as these two.

I want to feel as intensely as possible in my play. And the way to achieve the intensity for me is either by the level of the emotion itself (as in, intense fear or intense pleasure) or by its complexity. The latter often being more interesting for me. And because I am specifically looking for feelings and emotions, I try to make myself especially sensitive to anything that might elicit them. During a scene, I tune in into my bodily sensations and my feelings, all my attention focused on reading and interpreting what the rigger is doing to me and how it affects me. It happens not in the sense of actively analysing it in my head, but rather letting their actions affect my body and through that speak subconsciously to my mind and my heart. 

Finally, I don’t only want to feel strong emotions, I am not waiting for the fireworks. I want to experience everything there is to experience. I want to squeeze all the possible feelings that I might out of the scene. I don't only want to experience the end state, but the entire process that brings me there. I want to feel every little crack in my surface.

Also for that, I sensitize myself. Again, I tune in into my body so that I don’t miss any possible shift that might provide me with a new reason to feel, however small it is. I don't push away any emotion, I let them all in. The good and the bad, the strong and the weak, the overwhelming and the subtle. 

I let my feelings out

I tend to be very expressive and I think that there are a couple of reasons for it. One is that because I'm so focused on receiving and interpreting, all my attention and energy goes there and I have no energy left to hide what is happening inside of me. All of it is consciously directed somewhere else. Also, when you feel so much without pushing it away, it becomes in a way natural to also express it. If you open up so much to what you are feeling, it can be overwhelming at times and sometimes the only way to stay sane within this experience is to let it out. Otherwise, you'll end up like a pot that's about to boil over. It's better to lift the lead up early on and let the steam out gradually, as it comes. 

During the Prague Shibari Festival, I listened to a great lecture of Bergborg about Akechi Denki in which he mentioned an article that Akechi' s model, Katsuragi Ayano, wrote after performing with the Master in the Netherlands. In the article, you can read how surprised she was about the European virtue of stoicism in models. She commented on the model in a show preceding theirs taking a heavy whipping without any reaction, and how the audience seemed to appreciate it, while after their performance where she was screaming and crying, the organiser had to calm down the public and remind them that what they’ve seen was consensual. I think that things haven't changed that much since then. Stoicism and even a certain kind of serenity in ropes are still very appreciated in Europe. We value people who can take difficulties calmly and with composure. We value quiet models who endure silently.

Unfortunately, I am not like that. I let out everything that I feel inside of me. I tend to be very expressive. When something hurts me, I scream, when I'm aroused, I moan and when I'm desperate, I wail. And for that, I have been criticised in different communities. That I am too loud, too dramatic or that I invade other people's spaces at rope jams with my expression. 

I understand the critique. I definitely stand out often and my reactions are frequently not compatible with what other people around me are looking for in ropes. The thing is, though, that what I do is simply not overwriting my natural reactions with politically correct ones. Being in ropes (especially in a suspension) is an extreme experience. You put your body in a state of heavy distress, sometimes even terror. I don't want to shut down my feelings to appear more graceful or more strong. I am not going to diminish my natural reactions in order for my rigger and the audience to be comfortable with pushing me further. I want to feel what I feel and I want the rigger to be able to witness what they are doing to me. I don't look for pride in swallowing my reactions and in appearing tough. In fact, I don’t look for pride in bondage at all. My goal is to be moved, to feel as deeply as possible, the expression of it being just a side effect.

Finally, I want my rigger to be able to understand what they are doing to me. We are playing a delicate and risky game and I don’t want to mislead them in anything. Even though it seems like they are the culprit and I am the victim, to me it is more as if we are partners in crime. We both want to bring me to my limits and we both want me to experience intense emotions. In order to do it in a conscious and informed way, I want to cooperate with them. 

I think that if one looks at modelling qualities, the context is extremely important. While there might be some general objectively desired skills that every rigger should have (being able to tie with the right even tension, having muscle memory of certain ties or at least some passages of a tie etc.), I recently grow more and more convinced that for models it’s not the case (with the exception maybe of being able to monitor the most basic safety indicators). However, it doesn’t mean that the models have no input in rope bondage. Quite the contrary. 

In my opinion, I have an enormous impact on the scene as a model (and if some riggers would like to challenge me in this statement, please bring it on). Depending on what I want to get out of the tie, I can facilitate myself in it or make it more difficult for myself and for the rigger. That is not to say that I direct my rope scenes in any way (I think that the people who have seen me being tied would agree that trying to direct my rigger in any way is the last thing that I do), rather I try to remove all the obstacles from my side that might hinder the rigger in bringing me to where I want to be (and where they want me to be). 

And because for me the mental challenge and the emotional aspects of rope bondage are very important, I do everything in order to make it easier for the rigger to give them to me. I do my part and I hope that they will do their part as well. What I do doesn’t necessarily make sense in absolute terms, but it certainly does in the context of what I am looking for. 

Because if you want to feel, you should let yourself feel. If you want to share your emotions with someone else, you need to let them in and allow them to witness you. And finally, if you want to explore your limits, doing so gradually and with awareness is the way to go if you don't want to get hurt (too much) in the process.

Thoughts on my approach to rope modelling after my first ever public rope performance

Photo by anonymus.

I can't even express how privileged I feel to have given my first rope performance as a model of amazing Soptik in the School of rope run by Kirigami and Tenshiko in Milan. It was a small and intimate show, intended for the audience to experience a real session that could happen between the two of us in private. Around 40 people were allowed to have a peek into our dynamic (almost) without a filter. And I believe that for some it was an intense experience. Maybe even as intense as it was for me.

I expected my limits to be pushed and to suffer. I expected to be exposed and ashamed. I expected pain and I expected desperation. It was all there. What I didn’t expect, though, was the amount of emotional courage and vulnerability that it takes to give a performance like that. I didn’t expect how emotionally exposed will I feel afterwards. How fragile, and weak, and defenceless.

After the show, people came to us, and between praising the skills of Soptik they also praised how strong and beautiful I was. Hearing that made me weirdly confused. It completely didn’t match the way I felt during the performance. I did feel that I showed and gave a lot. I did feel that they could see a big part of me bare in the open. But I didn’t feel that my strength or beauty was on display that night. Rather the opposite.

This dissonance made me think of my mindset in rope and how it affects the experiences that I have.

Preparation

The first thing that I realized was that this entire show was a sacrifice for my rigger. From the moment that we entered the School of rope, I was readying myself for it. Even though, a few hours before the show I was slightly nervous, the moment we arrived at the school, I quietened. My mind became calm and still. The mental preparation for taking what was waiting for me at the hands of Soptik began.

I wanted to be ready for him. I wanted to be empty. To feel everything that he wants me to feel and let his actions flow through me. I didn’t even do it consciously. It just happened. Only afterwards when I was reflecting on the experience, I realized the reason for my quiet. I also realized that I do it often before tying, even if not to that degree. Before the scene, I usually do everything to avoid talking and to have a moment of silence and preparation. I like to just sit quietly in seiza with my head down and wait for the rigger to start tying me. To be ready for him when the tying begins.

Sacrifice

No matter how much it seems like I enjoy rope, being tied is always a sacrifice for me at some level. I don't think that I have ever had a scene which I've done for my own pleasure. My mindset in rope (and when I bottom in general) is always the one of giving and not the one of taking. I enjoy rope but not in a straightforward manner. My pleasure comes by proxy from the pleasure of the rigger.

All I want is to please my rigger. If he wants me to be beautiful, I will try to be beautiful. If he wants me to be disgusting and twisted, I will be. I will go through anything for the sake of the pleasure of the other if they are willing to accept my sacrifice. And I like that feeling of sacrifice. It gives me a strange satisfaction and makes my offering more valuable. If I would be doing something that I deeply enjoy then what is there to be of value in it for the other? I would be doing it for myself and not for him.

Paradoxically, not many people are good at accepting such sacrifice. Often they want the model to enjoy themselves at some level as well. They don't want to have a feeling like it's all about them. They don't want to feel like they are forcing me into something that I don't want. Soptik is one of the most graceful takers that I know. He really is perfectly comfortable with accepting any kind of sacrifice, no matter how big it is. He takes it with appreciation, but without a feeling of obligation to repay. That makes me feel very relaxed in my giving. I know that with him I don't need to pretend that I want what he wants. I know that he will just take it from me no matter what my feelings about it are. And somehow that is very freeing. I can purely focus on him and let go of myself completely.

Violation

Another feeling that ropes often cause in me is being violated. Partly, because that's what ropes do, they take away one’s freedom and restrict one’s body. Often in a painful manner. Partly though, I feel violated because that is how I want to feel and I'm especially looking for signs of it in every moment of the scene. In my head, I amplify the violence and inhibit tenderness or pleasure.

I don't think that how I feel about being in ropes is universal. I've spoken to many models and basically each one of them had different ways of experiencing the ropes. For some it was a pleasure, for some it was an expression of love and devotion, for some it was a challenge and for others a means of torture. I think that I am the closest to the tortured ones, although it's not exactly that. Being in ropes makes me feel like a prisoner. Captured and helpless. It makes me feel completely without control. The violation is more that of my personal freedom and expression than of my body. I feel violated, because it feels like rope grabs all the emotions that are inside me and rips them out of me, to the outside world.

And even though I surrender to it, it's rarely a peaceful surrender. It doesn’t go without an inner fight. At some level, it always feels forceful and against my will. And that is another thing that Soptik doesn't find disturbing, while many do. That's why with him I don't feel like I need to soften my feelings and bring myself to enjoy what is happening to me. I can simply relax into the violence that is inflicted upon me and observe what it does to me.

Expression

Ropes make me feel a lot. I go through countless emotional states in one scene. From resignation to denial, to desperation, to devotion, to disagreement and finally, surrender. I can go through cycles of the same emotions repeating over and over or uncover a new and surprising emotional landscape unfolding in front of me as I go deeper and deeper.

And, somehow, I don't want to have these experiences alone. I don't want to go through them silently, buried deep inside of myself. Because it's my rigger who ignites these experiences in me and I want him to know what he is causing. I want him to know what I am going through. I want to move him like I am moved. That is why I let my body express what I feel. I want him to see and hear what's inside me. I want to talk to him with my moans and my silences. I express physically what can't be expressed with words.

Sometimes my expression is loud, sometimes it is subtle. There are things that are obvious and some that you can only understand if you are a very avid listener. It is always directed to my rigger, though. Somehow I have a deep need to be seen and understood by him. I think that that is what drives my need for outward expression. A need to be seen and understood.

In a rope performance, however, it is not only the rigger who reads you. It is also the audience. Contrary to what I expected, though, it didn't change much in my expression. I was, still, mainly trying to communicate with him and not with the audience. I wanted him and not the audience to see me. Not in the sense that I would rather be somewhere else, where the audience couldn’t see us. But in the sense that I didn’t think of the audience as a recipient of my message. They were not my target. He was.

That was during the performance. Afterwards, however, I realized how vulnerable such open communication and expression made me feel because it was in front of an audience. They had access to something very private and personal. They could see an expression of what is buried very deep inside of me. They could see the expressions of my emotions and feelings that I don’t necessarily want people to know about. Even if most of them, only Soptik could read.

I am not saying it as a bad thing. I don’t regret showing anything on the stage. What I am trying to say is that I was surprised how much it affected me. How much it costs to be so honest. I will keep expressing myself like that because I think that it is beautiful and it lets me experience something very profound in some ways. I will strive to stay honest in my expression because there is nothing else that is worth showing in my opinion. No matter what are the costs involved. But now I am more aware that there are costs.

Perversion and shame

One of the reasons why it makes me feel so vulnerable when people watch me in ropes is that I find my needs perverse. It's not that I don't accept them. I don’t wish that I was different. I don’t wish that I was not masochistic or not submissive. I think that both are beautiful and poetic and romantic and let me experience things that I could never experience not being like that. But I still don’t find it normal. I think that I am not normal. And showing it to other people, no matter how open-minded they are, hell, even showing it to my Dominant, makes me feel very vulnerable and in some way ashamed of myself.

I am not a proud pervert. A happy one, yes, but not proud. The lack of pride is definitely related to my kinks, which are, among others, shame, humiliation, degradation and abandonment. Feeling like what I am doing is sick enhances these feelings and adds to the experience. It is like with the Forbidden fruit, it tastes better when you are not allowed to eat it. I want to feel like it is not allowed to do what I do and then do it anyway. I don’t want to feel accepted. I want to feel like I am at the margin of society. I want to feel different and cast out.

Recently, I’ve participated in another great workshop from @Wildties, on what the Spirit of kinbaku is for him. One of the things that he mentioned about the Japanese models, is that for them ropes are deeply perverted. Even porn actresses, for which being stuffed with dildos, getting enemas and having the most twisted sex are their daily bread, in ropes feel like a ’fallen woman’. They often even use rope sessions as a way to punish themselves for what they do in their daily lives. They don’t do ropes to feel cool. They don’t brag about the scenes they’ve had. They keep it in the realm of true perversion, better not to be talked about.

I feel quite similar about doing ropes or my other kinks. Maybe not to that level, also because in an environment where I am, what I do is much more accepted. However, even within an open kink community I rather go for the less accepted and more risky types of play, like emotional masochism and deep and intense D/s dynamics, degradation and objectification. Because I always want to feel that thrill of being slightly sick. I don’t want to feel like what I do is acceptable and normal. I want to feel out of the ordinary and in some ways shocking.

That is also why it was so difficult for me to show it to people. Even though it wasn’t the first time when people have seen me being tied, also not by Soptik, but the fact that the spotlight was on us and that this time my perversion was clearly on display was very powerful.

The fact that Soptik could do anything to me and that I was willingly letting him do it, was to me on some level shameful. It is not what society teaches us to do. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient and fight for ourselves. There was no fight in me. I was allowing it to happen to me willingly. I was openly admitting how twisted I am. And it didn’t make me feel proud. It didn’t make me feel strong either. No matter how it looked on the outside, on the inside being in rope for me is my moment of greatest weakness. It is my moment of giving myself to the other person entirely. It is my moment of dropping all my boundaries, of a total loss of control. And the fact that I enjoy being so weak and miserable makes me feel perverted.

This performance made me realize a lot of things about myself and my approach to ropes and also made me realize better what is and isn’t me when it comes to rope bottoming. The same way as there are many styles of rope bondage, there are also many styles of rope bottoming. What I do is just one of the ways but I am happy to be able to see more and more clearly what my way is. In some ways how I approach rope is darker than for many others, I think. There is a lot of submission and masochism in it that are not necessarily essential to being a rope bottom. I also tend to go very deep and look for the emotional experiences much more than the physical ones. To me, that is where the true beauty of kinbaku comes from.

I don’t need everyone to accept or understand who I am, but I am happy that there are people who do and who can also appreciate my darkness. I hope that that performance was a glimpse into what I can be if paired with a rigger who can see and use my traits in the right way. To me, it was a spectacle of who I am as a model and who I am with Soptik and I am grateful to be able to show it to others. Even if I didn’t seem to be proud of it.

This song will always evoke memories of this performance in me:

Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio ‎-- Cocktails Carnage Crucifixion And Pornography Cd 2003. if you like Visit my Channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnROS...

Lessons on the poetics of kinbaku from Barkas and Addie

A while ago I participated in a workshop by Barkas and Addie on their interpretation of Yukimura style at the beautiful Atelier Simonet in Paris. The number of inspiring concepts in that workshop was so enormous that it took me a while to process them into a condensed form. I finally did it and here are the most important thoughts that were born during or as a result of the workshop.

They are not general truths about kinbaku (do general truths about kinbaku even exist?), but rather concepts that can be inspiring and help one to get into a certain mindset. To me this workshop was eye-opening in many ways, the crown jewel being the first concept that I am going to talk about.

Rope bondage is in its essence a form of a dance

Throughout the workshop, we did exercises that were circling around this idea, even though we didn't talk about it specifically. One time, Barkas said that the aim of doing rope for him is 'to move his partner so that he is moved as a result'. And isn't that what dancing (at least partnered dancing) is?

When dancing, we move our bodies, put them in certain positions in order to evoke feelings in ourselves, in our partners and in the audience. In rope, we do exactly the same. And even though the music is not an essential part of a rope scene, we still move in a certain rhythm, certain tempo when tying. A good scene should be timed well, the ropes and the body manipulations coming at exactly the right moment and not randomly. Only then, you can get into the feeling of flow with your partner and get lost in the fluidity of your experience.

We dance to the silences and to the rhythms of our hearts. To the sounds of our breaths and the ropes caressing our bodies. We don't interpret the music that we hear outside of our bodies, but the one that is within us.

Another 'dancy' element in rope bondage is the presence of a leader (the rigger) and a follower (the model), which we also observe in many partnered dances. The rigger proposes to the model to put their body in a certain position, to which the model gives an emotional response. They respond with their interpretation of the position in a form of an emotional expression, which in turn moves the rigger.

One of the most beautiful and important concepts that I learned from my tango teachers was that in tango the leader provides a structure, a frame, into which the follower pours their emotions. The follower fills the dance with their passion, inspiring the leader and moving them emotionally. And it is an essential role of the follower as the leader already has to think about the structure of the steps and managing their and their partner's positions on the dancefloor. If they have to focus on filling the dance with emotions as well, it will be simply too much put on their plate. Therefore, it's the role of the follower to fill the empty frame of the steps with beauty. I like to think that in rope bondage similar rules apply.

Rope bondage is more about leading and following than it is about rope

One of the more interesting exercises, illustrating how much in the end rope bondage is about leading and following, was an exercise where we were tying without ropes. Barkas asked the riggers to tie one of the classic Yukimura style ties, but without using the ropes. It was a partial suspension with the model lying on her side, involving a TK and with one leg of the model raised. The challenge was not to force the position, but to use your will, the time, the context and the mind of your model in order to get them where you want them to be. Surprisingly, it worked very well.

When both partners are focused on each other, when they understand each other’s vocabulary (which was partly fixed here because of the context of a rope scene) and when the roles are clear, the rope becomes in a way redundant. Of course, using rope does give an opportunity to create shapes that without it would not be possible, and causes an enhancement of the experience, but they are not essential for creating the experience itself that being in rope is.

No matter how weird that might sound, rope is only a tool and not the central point of a rope scene. The central point is to experience the connection with each other, to move and to be moved, to assert and fill the roles of a rope bondage scene and see where it will bring you. And as Barkas showed us, you don’t necessarily need rope in order to achieve that.

The torture of Yukimura style is not about being captured, but about being (almost) free

Contrary to, for example, Naka style in which the model is often progressively bound tighter and tighter until at some point she can barely move, the ropes in Yukimura style are quite loose and the model has a lot of freedom. This creates an illusion of having a choice and as a result captures the mind of the model, not allowing him/her to let go. It's more difficult to accept what is happening to you when you constantly feel like you could almost free yourself.

In Naka style, the ropes often form a tight cage impossible to miss and the model feels very acutely that they are captured. Paradoxically, this immobilization of the body often allows the mind to let go and free itself.

Yukimura style feels more like a house arrest in which you wear an electronic bracelet tracking your location. There are moments when you feel like you are completely free, walking around the house, but then you touch the border of your invisible cage and you are reminded again that you are not. In this way, you relive the realization and drama of being captured each time when you are reminded of your captivity. Because of that, you are stuck in this experience, and it's very hard to let go and accept your faith.

Additionally, the combination of eroticism, shame and humiliation which are ever-present in Yukimura style together with capturing of the mind can be very powerful. Giving the model an illusion of freedom makes the shame and humiliation much harder to accept because they feel like they could almost escape it, and because of that, the feelings become even more intense.

Good technique is a means to gain the trust of the model

At certain points throughout the workshop, Barkas would give some technical tips and tricks to the riggers. What was interesting for me were not the tips themselves, as I'm not a rigger and I don't intend to be, but the reasons he gave for applying them, which was gaining the trust of your model and lulling them into a sense of security. If you have good technique and you know how to handle your rope and manipulate the body of your model, you seem like you really know what you are doing. And that is what the model needs in order to trust you.

As Addie mentioned, technical things in rope are something that you don't notice when they are done right, but you acutely notice when done wrong. It breaks your trust, as a model, because fiddling with rope and doing unnecessary movements gives an impression that the rigger doesn't know what he or she is doing. And that definitely makes the model doubt whether they should put their health, and possibly life, in the hands of this person.

I like this approach to stressing the importance of good technique to the riggers because it gives the ‘why’ that makes sense and has a depth to it. You don’t want your technique to be good in order to impress someone or to stroke your ego. You want it because it is needed in order to gain the trust of your model, which in turn will result in amazing scenes.

Once again, the models and their reactions should be at the centre of attention

This notion comes back over and over again in my learning, yet so little riggers apply it. It doesn't mean that you tie for the model but that your goal is to elicit a reaction and not just tie a certain pattern.

Barkas told us an interesting story of how he was trying to learn one of the classic ties of Yukimura sensei and how he kept getting it wrong, but he didn't know why. He would think that he tied the tie perfectly and then Yukimura sensei would come and tell him that it's wrong again, adjust the rope a couple of millimetres and then walk away, content.

Barkas couldn't figure out how to repeat the exact pattern of Yukimura sensei successfully since it seemed like he was so deadly precise. Until one day when sensei was showing him the tie again, he started to look at the face of the model instead of the ropes. And then everything became clear. It was not a pattern that Yukimura sensei was looking for, but the expression on the face of the model. If he achieved the result that he was looking for, he was content. The pattern was not always exactly the same, it would change depending on the day and the model, but the end expression was.

So please riggers, remember to look at your models when you create shapes with their bodies. The models are a part of the tie and only if they fill your ropes with their being, will your tie become a perfection.

Rope scenes are Other Spaces where the reality is governed by different rules

During the workshop Barkas mentioned at some point that in his opinion rope scenes are heterotopias. In terms of Foucault definition:

Heterotopia is a certain cultural, institutional and discursive space that is somehow 'other': disturbing, intense, incompatible, contradictory or transforming. Heterotopias are worlds within worlds, mirroring and yet upsetting what is outside. - Wikipedia

Looking at the above description it's hard not to agree with him. Entering a rope scene transports you into another dimension, in a way. In principle, you still are in the same real tangible world, in a room or any other physical space where the rope scene takes place, but at the same time, your and your partner’s minds travel somewhere completely else.

Rope allows you to let go of your day-to-day worries and immerse yourself exclusively in your sensations and the connection with your partner. It takes away the physical freedom of the model, often causing them to go inwards and confront what's inside of them and what they were trying to avoid in their daily lives. As for the rigger, I can imagine that it also frees their mind as they become hyper-focused on the model and because of that let go of everything else.

Also, the rules and norms of everyday life don't apply in ropes. It's a special space where it is ok to take away the other person's freedom and at the same time to be intimate with them, to open up fully to the other person and allow them to penetrate or even violate you. It's a space where you can let go of the social norms and adopt new (often D/s-governed) ones. What is interesting is that through rope any space can become a heterotopia. Once we enter into a rope scene in a certain space, we transform it into something ‘other’, which is governed by different rules and where time and space are distorted.

According to Foucault, the function of the heterotopia is unfolding between two extremes: between providing an illusion that exposes the real world as still more illusory, and providing a space of perfection to compensate for the flaws of real life. I think that in rope we can see both these extremes and anything in between. On one hand, by creating an illusion of certain situations (being captured, violated) it elicits emotions in us, which feel real, even though the threat is not. Thanks to that, it lets us reflect on the nature of emotions in general and might give us some space to evaluate what we feel in real life as well. On the other hand, it gives us an opportunity to get lost in this perfect moment of connection, to forget about everyday life and experience a pure moment of connection with another human being.

Silence is also music (or there is no such thing as silence)

At some point, Barkas was recalling a story of a composition by American experimental composer John Cage, entitled 4’33’’ in which the musicians do not play their instruments during the entire duration of the piece and the music is created out of the sounds of the environment that the listeners hear while it is performed. The point of the composer was to show that any sounds may constitute music.

I think that another interesting thing about this piece is that the sounds of the environment indeed become music for the listeners because their attitude is that of listening to a piece of music. And because of this change of perspective, they become much more sensitive and attentive to sound, and they start to notice and listen to something that they would normally ignore.

One of the things that Barkas was trying to make us realize is that in rope there is no such thing as lack of tying (even if the rigger does not make any movements). Throughout the duration of the scene, each position of the rigger has a meaning and communicates something to the model, making them feel. A break in tying or a lack of movement is also a form of communication. It also makes the model feel.

The same way as when musicians didn’t play, the audience started to listen to what is around them, when you don’t actively move the model emotionally, they start to be moved by their own emotions. You provide space for them to feel what is inside them, and because of the context of taking part in a rope scene and being highly attentive to what they are feeling, they go there. And it can be a very powerful experience. Therefore, the rigger does not always need to induce the emotions on the model by constantly moving their body or adding more rope. By stepping aside a bit and letting them experience the ‘silence’, they can also make them feel a lot. It can be difficult to step back sometimes, but ultimately it can facilitate an even more powerful scene.

We will never be able to read each other 100% correctly and that's ok

We also talked about the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to tell 100% what is happening in the head of your partner, but it is alright because such accuracy is not needed. When tying together, we both tell ourselves stories about what is happening to us and to the other person. We also try to read the story of the other, guessing from their body language what is happening to them. Not all of these guesses will be correct, but as long as they are not completely off and you can get the general direction of where your partner is, you can try to direct them where you want them to go.

You will never find out for sure if you succeeded, though (you can always ask afterwards but then their recollections might already be distorted because of your question). Like with a book or a poem, the moment your actions leave your body and try to influence the other, they start to live their own life. Your initial purpose is dead and the model starts to interpret them in their own way, like a person who reads a poem would. Most of the time your intention will be preserved in some part but new meanings will be added to it. And that is beautiful.

It always reminds me of the fact that even in the most intimate moments between the two people, you can never become one. There is always this barrier of the two minds getting close to each other, but never close enough. It can make you feel sad and lonely, but it can also make you appreciate how special it is when for a short moment you do manage to get close.

Even though what Barkas and Addie were showing us was so different from the rope that I usually practice, there were also some repeating themes from other teachings that I followed, like the focus on the reactions of the model instead of the ties, the importance of breaks in tying, the importance of good technique, the strong D/s element in the bondage and the eroticism of it.

It seems to me that Yukimura style in Barkas interpretation is extremely focused on mental domination and manipulating the emotions of the model, more than on the actual ties. Personally, I find it absolutely fascinating and thrilling. I love how because of the simplicity of the rope in this style, the entire focus is on the model and the art of creating something beautiful with their emotions. And I love the recognition of the beauty that is in the shame and humiliation.

This workshop showed me that, indeed, there is a lot of poetry in kinbaku. It made me slow down and see the beauty in the details. It made me think of what kinbaku is and what it isn’t, and reorganize my own ideas about it. And because it was so different from what I usually do, it enriched my practice of kinbaku in new and unexpected ways. And I am grateful to Addie and Barkas for that.

Lessons on kinbaku and semenawa from Wildties, RedSabbath, WykD Dave and Clover

In September 2018 I participated in a unique workshop from Riccardo Wildties, RedSabbath, WykD Dave and Clover. It was a really unforgettable experience as it's in general unheard of to have two such great riggers teaching together and comparing their approaches in front of the students. I want to share my story of that experience, which contains both the knowledge that the teachers shared with us as well as my interpretation and loose thoughts on it.

The goal of the workshop was not to learn particular ties, but to understand better the language of kinbaku and to find your own voice in it. I loved everything about it. I loved how they were trying to explain and show what kinbaku is to them. I loved the abundance of concepts and the depth of thought that was presented. And I loved how open and honest the teachers were.

There is no kinbaku without fluent technique

The first day was all about technique. But not in the sense of learning complex technical ties. It was rather about the importance of perfecting your basics. And I couldn't agree more with the teachers.
Both Wildties and WykD Dave were stressing how everything starts with the basics. In Europe people often like to learn a lot of complicated patterns, thinking that it's an indication of how good they are. But copying the pattern without understanding it and being able to use it to evoke feelings is pointless. At least in the sense of kinbaku.

Kinbaku is not about rope. It's about using the rope as a tool to evoke sensations and emotions in the model. And to be able to do that, you need to have a perfect command of your tool. You have to not only know what you are doing but also why are you doing it. You have to understand the reasons behind every movement and placement of rope and perfect it so that you can apply it intuitively.

Of course, this way of tying requires a lot of devotion and practice. Real methodical relentless practice, where you repeat the same movements over and over again. Just applying the patterns that you've learned in play is not enough. You need conscious lab time when you tie the same thing repeatedly and analyse it.

As a model, I agree wholeheartedly. There is something very special about the way that the rope is used by the most experienced riggers that I’ve tied with. And it is not at all about the ties that they put me in, but about the fluency and deliberation with which they do it. The level to which they can control the rope. It almost feels like the rope is just an extension of their body. Their entire attention is on me and not on the tie. The level of connection that it creates is one of the best things that I’ve ever experienced in play.

This workshop made me realize that in order to be able to experience that, I, as a model, need to give space and opportunity for my riggers to practice. I am usually all about play and I might sometimes put pressure on people to always make it playful when they tie with me. I also am very fortunate to tie with amazing riggers who are at a level when practice is usually also play for them. What they are perfecting now is the communication through rope, even when they tie complex things. But still, after listening to Wildties and Dave, but also Clover and RedSabbath, I realized that the best thing that I can give to the rigger is my attention and honest feedback. And for that, I sometimes might need to tune down the play mode. I'm ready to do that if that means that it will lead to even more connection and better play in the future. So, my dear riggers, please tell me when you would like to tie with me for practice and feedback. I'm all yours also for that.

Fundamentals of kinbaku

After we discussed what you need to practice in order to make the rope a means instead of it being an end, we went on to talk about the actual end.
What is it that you want to communicate with your partner? And how can you use rope in order to achieve that? Rope is very versatile and the things that you can express with it are almost endless. But there are certain emotions and concepts that it is basically made for communicating. And these are at the core of kinbaku.

Distance and space

Space is very important in Japanese rope bondage. You can express a lot using it. Your model will experience different things depending on whether you are near or far, in front or behind her, but also above, at the same level or below. All these factors have also different impact, depending on how strong the dynamic between you and your model is. If it is strong, you can move further away and the model will still feel your presence. There is more trust in her that you won’t abandon her and you can play more with the subtle changes. If she doesn’t trust you yet, already a small distance can have a big impact.

So you can say something by distancing yourself from your model. But you can also use staying in touch to send a different message. By keeping the tension on the rope the entire scene, your model can feel your presence, which is both reassuring and asserting control. The moment you lose tension in the rope, you create distance. You should keep it in mind when tying, that anything that happens with the rope has an impact on your model. Dropping the tension is for the model like losing touch with the rigger. It can be a very powerful experience, which is not necessarily bad, as long as it is intentional.

Timing

You can express feelings using tempo, meaning both speed and rhythm. The same tie in a different tempo will have a very different feeling for your model. The change doesn’t have to be big. A subtle change can have a big impact if it is executed with care and your model is attuned to you.

Another aspect of timing in rope is using the pauses and acceleration. Everything that has a beginning also needs to end. It is especially prevailing in Naka style, because of the fact that you don’t extend the ropes, meaning that adding every new rope has a clear beginning, acceleration and end. The end is the moment for you to enjoy the tie and for your model to contemplate what is happening to her. Both you and the model need time to realize what is happening between you. Otherwise, things keep happening, but neither of you has the time to actually feel and enjoy them.

The end moment is not an end in the way that Westerners usually understand it. It is far from nothingness. It is rather a pause before the next part starts unfolding.

Even though each rope is a complete piece, one should always keep in mind that it is a part of something bigger. One rope is a part of a TK, a TK is a part of a tie, a tie is a part of a scene, a scene is a part of a sequence of scenes, and so on. Every single part is complete, but it is also a part of something bigger.

There is this concept of a buildup, they all add up to something bigger, each part more and more intense. The acceleration is happening not only in a single piece, but also throughout the entire scene, each rope being more intense than the previous, adding to the experience, but at the same time being a complete part on its own.

Progression

There is nothing worse than a flat rope scene. Therefore, there should be a progression in everything that you do. Every wrap that you put on the model should have more intention than the previous one and assert more and more control over her. The way to do it is not necessarily through more tension or force in the rope, but rather in you becoming more and more focused on the model. Each movement causing both of you to further immerse yourself in your bubble.

Apart from the progression of connection and intention, there is also a concept of progression throughout the scene. The tie keeps building up to something bigger and more intense. To make it even more interesting and at the same time more sustainable for your model, you should step back from time to time though.

Progression does not have to be linearly increasing. In fact, it's better if you step back sometimes, allowing your model to catch a breath. This way, the next time you strike, your model will be able to take more. Otherwise, if you keep striking hard without a break, she can easily be overwhelmed. In the end, you want her to take as much of your torture as possible. Therefore, it is better to give her some time to adjust, see where she is compensating and slowly take it away step by step.

Interaction

Kinbaku is not only about applying the rope on the body of your model but also using it to move your model and to control her. You want to talk to your model through rope, every move that you make should be intentional and have a meaning. You should also pay attention to whether your model actually understands your intention. Read her. Her body language will tell you a lot.

You should be able to control the movement of the model in every moment. Not using force, but because of her submission to you. She shouldn't change her position on her own accord. If she does, then it means that she is not yours yet.

Dominance and submission

Kinbaku is a D/s art, but a very subtle one. It is about seduction. You don’t want to force the terrible things that you have in mind onto someone. You want to seduce them into believing that this is what they want. Only then it is a real submission. In order to achieve that, you need to listen to your model and to the signals that she is sending you. If you are focused on your goal and not listening to her, she won’t submit. You will just force your will upon her, but she won’t be yours. And you want her to be yours. You want to control her experiences and create a bubble where all that she is thinking about is your next move.

Tying someone up is a way to show control. To make the other feel helpless and captured. But also to lull them into a false sense of security. You don’t want your model to keep fighting with you. You want her to feel good under your control. And to do that, you need to listen to what does and doesn’t feel good for her. Otherwise, you will only control her body, but it's her mind that you really want. And once you have it, it's up to your imagination what you want to make her feel. She is your playground and all the other kids are gone. The fun is all yours.

Where is the bottom in all that?

The workshop was amazing, but it seemed like it was all about the riggers. It made me think a lot about kinbaku and my role in it as a bottom. On the first sight, it seems like the role of the rigger is way more prominent and the model is a mere receiver. The importance of the skills of the rigger is definitely more visible and the skills itself are in a way easier defined. And they are very different from bottoming skills.

I think that the rigging skills are more tangible and standard, therefore easier to teach, in a way. I love following rope workshops and listening about tying, even though I have no intention of becoming a rigger myself. I still find hearing about the process fascinating. But I also often feel kind of strange during rope workshops as I'm very dependent on my rigger and there is no way that I can perform well if he doesn't.

I tend to be very ambitious and I am always striving to perfection. And that's why I sometimes find it difficult to be so dependent on my rigger in my development as a model. Because I feel like until he perfects his skills, the only thing that I can do is to give feedback. And to use what he is giving me at the moment.

I'm not saying that the role of the bottom is not important. But I feel that I can only start to create when my riggers give me space for it. And that comes with their skills. Because only once they have a good command of the ropes, can we start to play with our dynamic. That's when I can really express myself and grow. Before that, I need very different skills to help my rigger develop. I need to be able to analyse what is happening with my body and be critical about the experience. And I need to be able to give him constructive feedback. I used to not see it as ‘true’ bottoming skills and something that I want to develop. I used to just want to get lost in the experience. But I'm changing my mind.

And it were the partners of Dave and Wildties who made me change the way I think. When I asked Clover and RedSabbath how they feel about their role as rope bottoms and if they don't feel very passive sometimes, they gave me very interesting insights.

RedSabbath mentioned that for her the most crucial role of the bottom is to be the critic of the rigger. Really being honest about how they make you feel and what they can improve on. Conscious lab time, when you are really focused on tying is very important if you want to help him develop. In the end without you, the rigger can't improve. Without your feedback, he can only guess how he makes you feel. With your feedback, he can really grow and learn from his mistakes. You shape his awareness. Without you, there is no kinbaku.

Clover on the other hand explained how she feels very active in creating the scene as she is the one who is receiving riggers input, feeling it and communicating how it feels. When being in rope, she is developing her ‘bondage persona’, learning about her strong and weak sides and what feels good to her. In this way, they work very much together to create the best possible rope experience. There is a lot of self-discovery and learning for the bottom in that process. But that happens when the rigger overcomes the ‘technique’ obstacle and when the rope practice becomes a question of ‘what’ and not ‘how’.

Listening to all this, I realized that even though my role is very different than rigger’s, I still have many things that I can work on improving. I can work on giving feedback and being more conscious about what is happening with my body in ropes and how particular ties and behaviours of the rigger make me feel. I also realized that what I want to perfect is being beautiful and strong in ropes for my rigger. I can practice giving the best possible experience on my side and being grateful to the rigger for all the energy he puts into learning this difficult art.

At the same time, I also want to learn more about the Japanese culture, understand better where kinbaku comes from and what are its underlying principles in order to be able to better tune in this beautiful art and its aesthetics.

Finally, sometimes I just want to let go and give myself fully to the rigger. Let him play me like an instrument and take out all the beauty that is in my emotions and in my suffering. Because that is what we are ultimately striving to achieve.