To me, rope is about losing control

Photo by Dolph Vex.

I started bottoming in a community where the presence of active power bottoms was very prominent. I was surrounded by the notions of exercising for rope, stretching, managing your body in ropes and co-creating the ties with the rigger. In the beginning, I was trying to become like those models as they were the only role models that I’ve had. However, after some attempts, I started feeling like there is something in their approach that did not fit my personality and the reasons why I loved rope. The deeper I was going into rope bondage, the more certain I was becoming that this way of bottoming is not how I see myself in ropes. It was leaving too much control in the hands of the model (at least seemingly) and that was the opposite of what I wanted. 

At the same time, I did not see any alternatives for myself. I ended up feeling inadequate and like a failure. I felt like my approach was inferior to the other models and as if I didn’t contribute to the tying as much as the ‘active’ models did. I am very ambitious, therefore I could not stand feeling this way. At the same time, I had a strong conviction that I don't want to give up my (what I felt) real self in ropes for the sake of living up to the expectations and being among the ‘cool and enlightened models’.

As a side note, I have to make it clear that what I say here is extremely subjective and written from the perspective of how I felt about these things and not how my environment saw me. In fact, I have no idea how other people looked at it. I’ve mostly heard positive things from people around me about myself in ropes, but I think that because it seemed to me like all the most popular models are different from me, and because I could not find any voice that would resonate with me, I felt like my approach must be inferior. 
That was when I attended my first kinbaku and semenawa-centred workshop by Riccardo Wildties and WykD Dave and I’ve met their amazing models RedSabbath and Clover. Getting to know them really changed my perspective and I felt like I finally found successful models whose reasons for doing ropes seemed to be more aligned with mine and whose words and approaches were really inspiring to me. It seemed like, the same as myself, what they were looking for in ropes was to lose control. Ropes for them were inseparable from D/s, they were actually a tool to play out their D/s dynamic. They were not looking for the physical challenge as much as they were looking for a mental one. And that was in many ways how I felt about rope bondage as well. So maybe, in the end, I was not completely insane?

I don’t want to create a huge divide between the two approaches. Actually, I don’t even think that there are only two. I believe that there are many more, probably as many as there are rope bottoms. There are many flavours of bottoming and even I, as a single person, am not always the same in the way that I bottom. It very much depends on who I tie with and how. However, there are certain dividing factors between approaches to bottoming, the same way as there are dividing factors between different styles of tying. It doesn't mean that you always need to apply only one, the same way as, as a rigger, you don't always need to tie in the same style and mood. Riggers apply different techniques depending on their current goals in bondage. I believe that the same holds for the models.

Depending on why you do rope or simply what you want to get out of a scene, different skills/attitudes will help you to get where you want to be. I don’t think that there are some universal skills that a rope bottom should posses. I think that it is extremely dependent on what you want to achieve in ropes and what your motivations are. 

Recently, I’ve been discovering what my motivations are (at least for the bigger part of my bondage). I already wrote about ropes being a tool for me to challenge myself mentally and what I do in order to help the rigger in bringing me to my limits. Another thing that is quite crucial for me is how I see the power relation between myself in ropes and the rigger and how that affects my attitude in bondage. And that is what I want to talk about here.

I don’t feel empowered in rope

One of the important realizations for me recently was that I don’t do rope to feel empowered, but rather to explore my weaknesses. My goal of being in ropes in never to feel strong and I don’t feel as such when I am bound. It seems to be in contrast to many models that I’ve spoken to in the European communities. I often hear from models (both the physically active ones and the ones that have a more receiving kinbaku attitude) that doing rope makes them feel strong and beautiful. That they feel empowered when sustaining the hardship of bondage. That being able to meet the challenge gives them some kind of inner strength. I, on the other hand, usually feel miserable and violated in ropes, both physically and mentally. I feel bare and exposed. I feel vulnerable. And that is also what I am looking for. 

I think that this different mindset changes my attitude in ropes a lot. For me, being in ropes is one of those rare moments when I allow myself to feel weak and disempowered, to let my guard down and hand over the power over my faith to another person for once. 

I feel like if I would want to maintain a feeling of strength and empowerment in rope, it would require a constant fight against the circumstances. I would need to put my energy into making myself feel strong despite what is happening to me. It’s a bit of a mindset of standing still in the midst of the thunderstorm. It is a very noble and respectable one and I can imagine that it can make one feel good. It's not what I am doing, though. I rather let the thunderstorm sweep me away.

I feel like most of my life I am trying to stand still in the midst of a thunderstorm. I am fighting to maintain an image of a strong and capable person, to protect my dignity and to gain the respect of people. And as much as it feels good to succeed in it, it can also be very tiring.

Especially for me, since I am also strongly drawn to the feeling of being down, of dropping low in the ranks of society, of shedding off all the social and personal expectations and simply exist at the bottom of the chain, bondage is a means to explore those situations without hindering my day to day life. It’s my sandbox to explore the feelings of lowliness and disgrace. It's a moment for me to finally let go and just be. At that moment I find freedom.

And, paradoxically, being able to explore those dark places can have a very empowering effect in the sense of realizing one’s own resilience. When you get as low as is humanly possible, when you bare yourself so much that the audience can see your insides spilling out of you and you come out of it alive, that's a powerful experience. And it can lead to a feeling of empowerment.

You are like an insect that has just shed its carapace. At first, your outside is still very soft and vulnerable, but when it hardens it becomes even more invincible than the one you've just shed. 

You need to first go low in order to get to that point, however. You need to dare to be vulnerable and weak if you want to feel the kind of aftermath strength that I am talking about here. And you have to bear in mind that that feeling of strength might only come much much later or not come at all. That is because it is only a possible side effect of your experience, but not its direct result. Therefore, it should not be your goal per se.

I want to lose control

One of the most desired and pleasurable states for me is being truly out of control. Out of control over my body and, which I desire even more, out of control over my mind. And rope bondage is a perfect tool to achieve it as, whether we want to admit it or not, being bound means having our control taken away. 

People often talk about the model being actually the one who is in control in ropes because they are the ones who can stop the scene at any time. But is it really the case? Only, if we assume that the rigger will adhere to the social norms and let them out when they demand it. So the model can only maintain some level of control if the rigger allows them for it. Therefore, we (should) tie with people whom we trust that they will give us back our power when we request it. Because in the moment of being in their ropes, we are at their mercy. I wouldn’t really call it being in control.

I think that sometimes we lie to ourselves a bit, trying to make out of bondage something that it wasn’t made for and then being surprised when its true nature reveals itself to us in an unexpected moment.

Because as much as you want to feel powerful and in control in ropes, as much as you want to make a dance and a mutual exchange out of bondage, the truth is that by letting someone bind you, you hand the power over to them. Trying to deny it or to not seeing it might lead to painful disillusions later on.

Of course, I can imagine the kind of decorative bondage where the model maintains all the control over their body and the rope does not restrict them in any way. In that case, I admit that my words will not hold anymore. But in most styles of bondage, some form of restriction does take place, and therefore the model gives away some of their power to the rigger.

In a way, I do believe that most of the models are looking for that loss of control at some level, otherwise, they wouldn’t be intrigued by bondage. Being powerless is at the core of rope bondage and I think that it usually is the core of the activity that people are attracted to, even if they don’t dare to immerse themselves fully in it and only tread around it in their practice. I do, however, understand why one wouldn’t want to go for it all the way. It is one thing to be intrigued or attracted to something and another to truly experience it.

During an amazing lecture of Bergborg on Akechi Denki that I attended recently at the Prague Shibari Festival, he showed us a video where the Master says that “a woman who lets you tie herself is like a diamond and one should treasure her”. Hearing it in contemporary Europe one might think that the world has truly changed and it is not the case anymore. Because there seems to be a lot of models who want to be tied, a lot of people are interested in being a rope model. Finding a person who wants to be in ropes is not such a difficult endeavour nowadays. 

The question is though, are they really interested in all that it entails? Do they truly want to hand over the control over their bodies and their minds, and possibly lives to another person? Do they understand what they are signing up for? Or are they just up for a thrill, interested in what it feels like to be tied, but without the real understanding of what it might lead to and what it means to be bound?

I think that a model who is ready to truly give themselves to the rigger, who wants to go all the way, who realizes the potential that rope bondage has and still wants to explore it, is still a real treasure. Because handing over your body (and mind) for someone else to toy with is not a small thing. Having one's physical and (even more importantly) mental limits pushed is not a small thing. Being broken and rebuilt in captivity requires courage and a strong spirit. A responsible rigger will only go as far with someone who they trust will be able to withstand it. And I think that finding such someone is not a common thing.

I guess that it is quite obvious that I have a preference for rope that is dark and strongly rooted in D/s and SM. I am fascinated by the potential of rope bondage to challenge me physically and mentally. I realize that it is not the case for everyone and I don’t think that it should be. I do not try to convince everyone to follow my footsteps. I am happy that different people enjoy rope in their own ways. It's such a versatile and multifaceted activity that it can meet many different needs of different people, be it a physical challenge, creating art, exploring a D/s dynamic or simply having some fun.

I do have a feeling, however, that if you want to get to the core of rope bondage if you want to explore its full potential, if you want to squeeze out of your practice everything there is to squeeze then you will end up in a similar place to where I am at the moment. Because, if you think about it, the act of being bound has always been both a symbol and an enactment of losing control and giving up the power.

In old Japan, hojojutsu was used either as a martial art or as a symbol of defeat and being held in captivity. Afterwards, when the act of binding became aestheticized and eroticized in art, it was still an act of disempowerment and lack of control of the bound person that was a subject of the aesthetic and erotic pleasure (and the torment of being in such situation). And if disempowerment was at the core of rope bondage from its origin, I can’t imagine practising it truly without that part included (at least if you still want to call it kinbaku).

Of course, you can use rope for many other things, for connection, for sensory experience, for a feeling of flow, for the beauty of the form. I do feel, however, that doing so is a bit like taming a beast by knocking out its teeth. Sure, the result is that it won’t bite you anymore and you might even domesticate it, but that newly acquired pet will not be as wild, beautiful and mysterious as it was when you’ve seen it for the first time and became fascinated by it. 

And I am truly fascinated by the beast. I am drawn to the dark corners of human experience that rope bondage allows me to explore. I appreciate the environment which being in ropes provides me for exploring myself at my weakest and most helpless. I appreciate that it offers me the possibility to, for once, be different than society tells me to be, to stop fighting for my power, to let go of control, to allow someone else to decide my faith, to express everything that I should not express. 

To me, being in ropes is the moment when I stop playing by the rules. When I can finally get to explore the parts of my psyche that I was told I should not explore. I would not say that it is the moment when I finally become myself, but rather that it is the moment when I can try out the versions of myself that I haven’t been allowed to explore in normal life. I don't say that it is easy. I don't say that it is for everyone. I don't say that it is all fun. But to me, what I describe here is what draws me to rope bondage. That glimpse of freedom that you gain only when you finally have nothing more to lose.