My sacrifice is a solitary space

Photo by theurbanchange.

I’ve been thinking recently about my ways to receive ropes. I say ways because they are different depending on who I tie with, my mood, their mood, the dynamics between us in that particular moment, the style that we tie in and many other factors. There are certain experiences that I crave and seek more than others, however. One of them is the feeling of sacrificing myself for the rigger. 

It happens especially in slow scenes full of suffering. The kind of scenes where the ropes are deeply torturous and I am given a lot of space to contemplate it. When I have time to sit with my agony and let it sink in. To digest it and let it transform me. These are the kind of scenes that require a lot from me. A lot of focus. A lot of energy. A lot of sacrifices. And these are the kind of scenes that I crave deeply. 

At the same time, these are not states that I take lightly. These are not things that I would do with anybody. To go that far and that deep, I need to be determined. I need to set myself on a road of no return. I need to make a conscious decision to transgress my limits because only there the real torment happens. Only when the pain and effort are beyond what I would willingly take, the ritual of my sacrifice can take over. 

It might seem like a beautiful and intimate act. That sacrifice. An act that is bringing me and my rigger together. An act that they should marvel over and appreciate me for. That would make me beautiful and precious in their eyes. This is not what I seek through my actions, however. I don’t seek connection. I do not do this for my rigger to see and appreciate me at this moment. I do it because I want to be in this very special space and sacrificing myself for them brings me there. 

What I am looking for is a solitary journey leading to a total resignation. A lonely path paved with pain and suffering slowly wearing off the joy and lightness from my stride. I am looking for the ultimate torment that will put the light out of my eyes. But I can’t get there if I have a companion on that journey. Because only solitary wanderers can reach that place.

I was teaching a workshop about kinbaku recently and explaining how being tied in a TK is the most important element of the session for me as it is the moment when I'm readying myself for what's about to happen. One of the participants after observing me in a demo said that it seems to them as if I'm very much on my own at that moment. That I've said that I do it for my rigger, but it seems as if I don't pay attention or connect to the rigger. As if I'm all focused inwards and on myself.

And I think that it's true what they've said. Indeed, my sacrifice is for the rigger but not with the rigger. I decide to do it for them because I want them to be able to use my body for what they've envisioned. Because I want them to enjoy the total control over my faith that they have at this moment. I want them to use and enjoy my gift. But I am not seeking to participate in their joy in any way. Even if they appreciate me at that moment, I'm not seeking to feel that appreciation. Because at that moment, I'm thickly covered in a veil of torment and I don't want it to be taken off and the light to be let in.

So I want my rigger to put me through the worst possible ordeal, bring me to the brink of my sanity and to leave me alone in there to suffer. It seems like you would have to be a heartless person to do such a thing. Yet, I see it differently. To me, letting me be with it alone is an act of trust and respect. Allowing me to deal with the experience that they are putting me through on my own shows to me that they believe in me and understand me. That they are able to receive the gift of my sacrifice. That they are able to hold it and will not bend under the weight of it. 

Having said that, it's not as if I demand that disconnection from my riggers. They are still the ones who lead the scene and decide where we are going. And if they decide that they want to be close to me and support me, they will and I will open up to them and appreciate it. It will ease my torture and allow me to feel deeply intimate with them. That feeling of being seen and for my suffering being witnessed is something powerful and beautiful to experience as well.  

But if they want to give me the space to be lonely in my sacrifice, I'll take it. If they're willing to take on these separate yet inseparably intertwined journeys, I'm here to join. It is a special act to participate in, being so close and at the same time so far away. This moment when each of you is feeding on the other's experiences, yet you know that in the end, you yourself are the only one who is the recipient of it. That you are completely alone in what you're going through, yet if it wasn't for the other person you would never have gotten there. 

I believe that at that moment the rigger is going through something similar. And I want them to be able to appreciate it fully without having to pay attention to what I'm experiencing. I want them to bathe in the solitude of power that they have over me as much as I am bathing in the solitude of my sacrifice. I want us to dance a dance of giving and taking, of yielding and control, of power and helplessness and get lost in it. Not seeing a human in our partners anymore, but a force, an idea, a space that is acting upon you and you're acting upon it. It is a solitary place to be in, yet being let in there by someone and meeting them again on the other side is one of the most intimate acts that one can share.

Sometimes I wonder where the borders of my submission are?

“Tonight I want you to kneel next to my bed the entire night, while I am sleeping. You will be suffering in silence for me. Without my attention. Without recognition. Hurting and wearing yourself off, while I am getting my rest, because I told you to do so.”

You didn’t make me do it, but the look into my eyes told you that I would. And it is true, I would.

Sometimes I wonder what are the things that I wouldn’t do for you? So far, it seems like I would do anything that is physically possible in order to please you. I find it weirdly exciting and empowering. It is strange how my attitude towards submission is changing. Not long ago I would see it as a weakness. Being so subdued, so obedient. Right now I see it as a sign of power.

It makes me feel powerful because I know that I do these things because I want to. You have total control over me because I gave it to you. And I gave it to you not because I want someone to take this burden of being in control of me. I am perfectly fine with being in control of myself and my own life. In fact, I love the feeling of being in control of my faith. Of living my life the way I want it to be, of achieving my own goals, of thinking where I want to go next and then going there.

Recently, I have been getting to know and appreciate myself more and more. I can recognize much better my own thoughts and emotions. I can see better where my worries are justified and where are they being misplaced. But most importantly, I can see the value in who I am and not just in who I might become if I put enough work in improving myself. I feel lately like I am finally discovering myself. Discovering all the depth and beauty that has been inside me all this time and that others had seen long time ago, while for me it was hidden behind a thick fog of self-criticism and comparison with others. The fog is finally diminishing.

And with all that, I can see how much I am giving up when I hand it over to you to play with. I can see how brave I am to let go so much when I have a choice not to.

The choice that I am talking about is not a choice that I would be making every time we play and you ask something difficult of me. It is not a choice whether to go with it or not, whether to safeword or not. I am past that. It is a choice that I made at some point, I am not sure when. The choice to give all the control over myself to you, to let you decide what is and isn’t too much, to let you peek into my soul deeper than anyone else.

And looking at the fact that I’ve made that decision and that I stand by it, that I let it develop despite the vulnerability that it triggers and despite the enormous hurt that I know it might cause if it ends, makes me proud and in awe with myself.

In line with the popular belief, I used to see the traits of being in control and of dominance and signs of power, while letting go and submission as a weakness. I used to be ashamed when other people would see me being submissive towards someone.

It took some time, but I don’t anymore.

I don’t, because how much strength does it take to go against the current and show it to the world that you let yourself be open and vulnerable towards someone? To not be ashamed to show that someone else has so much control over you while being independent and in control are one of the most desirable and admirable traits in our society? To me, it takes a lot.

It takes a lot because I am a proud and ambitious person. I always want to be the best. I want attention and I want other people to admire me. I want them to see me as strong and smart and interesting. And being submissive does not fulfil any of these needs for me. Being openly submissive to someone is like the opposite of what I thought I always wanted to be.

Not anymore though. Not anymore because I stopped trying to be someone that I am not. And it is not to say that I am not dominant or not in control. I often am. But I don’t have to be any more in order to feel good about myself. I don’t have to prove to anyone that I am this amazing person that I want them to think I am. I am an amazing person. Everyone is an amazing person. And the most rewarding thing that you can do with your life is to keep discovering all the ways in which you are.

Being so brave to let someone else rule my life so much, to be so open and vulnerable towards them, to give up all of my own needs and desires for them, to let them do the most humiliating and degrading things to me and keep coming back, to be willing to explore the darkest corners of my soul and the edges of my sanity are some of the amazing things that I can do.

I don’t know where the borders of my submission are, but it is not because I don’t have an awareness of how much I am willing to give, but because I know that I can give really a lot. And finally, I am truly proud of it.