On handling rejection in rope

Photo by Dark Path.

Disclaimer: This post is oozing positivity at times and to people who know me personally might sound a bit surprising. It is not dishonest on my side. The attitudes that I describe here are the ones that I cultivate in myself and I try to live by these rules. Being as critical as I am, it works better at some points than others. I do believe in what I say here, though, even if it is not always how I feel about things. Feelings can be irrational and uncontrollable at times, values are constant and much easier to control. The latter is what I focus on in this post. 
Disclaimer 2: I'm a rope bottom and I write from the position of being tied, but most of the things that I talk about here apply equally to both roles.

Some time ago Riccardo Wildties shared a very honest and important video on the right of tops to say ‘no’. I was very happy that someone has gotten to this topic and has done it so eloquently. I think that it is a very important reminder to all of us. We all should have the right to say ‘no’ when it comes to rope, with no strings attached and no hard feelings.

Listening to him was like a déjà vu from my time in the tango community. I don’t have a lot of experience with rejection in rope as I am not in the community for that long and I've been very fortunate to tie with amazing riggers right from the start and don’t often look for new partners. But I do have a lot of experience with rejection in tango because the specifics of this dance and the social norms surrounding it are basically built around the notion of rejection. I think that my experience from tango can be really well translated into rope reality and can be helpful to some people. It certainly has been for me as I think that it is one of the reasons why I can quite often avoid rejection altogether and I handle it pretty well if it happens. 

Before you ask

First, I want to share some thoughts that help me minimize the risk of having to deal with rejection in the first place. They are mostly strategies and mindsets that I’ve learned over the years that helped me avoid rejection and be successful in my advances, but at the same time also prepare the ground for when it eventually happens.

Try to get a feeling about the interest of the other person

I tend to be rather reluctant to ask people to tie me. I take quite a lot of time before I make up my mind whether I want to ask someone or not. Part of it is my rather sensitive and cautious nature. I want to avoid the pain of being rejected as much as possible so I only ask once I'm almost absolutely sure that they will say ‘yes’. This approach is very personal and I don't necessarily recommend it. However, another reason why I take my time is that I learned to be patient and to give myself as well as the other person time to figure out what we want.

In tango, there is a notion of a 'cabeceo', which is a non-verbal invitation to dance based upon a prolonged eye-contact followed by a nod from both parties indicating the willingness to dance. It's created in order to avoid painful verbal rejection. It has its advantages and disadvantages, but what it certainly taught me is the skill of observing others and getting a feeling for whether they might be interested in me or not. It has also taught me how to show interest from a distance without being too explicit about it. In tango the actual ‘cabeceo’ is the final step and having your nod unreturned can also hurt, so you only try it once you are rather certain that it will be returned. Therefore, you try to figure out as much as possible beforehand if the person might be truly interested in dancing with you or not. If you’ve learned that, you minimise the risk of your ‘cabeceo’ being rejected.

Be patient

In tango, the assessment of whether someone might be interested in dancing with you or not usually happens in the course of one evening or one weekend. In rope, however, it might stretch over months or even years. That is because there are much fewer opportunities to tie with someone in (a) rope event(s) than there are in a tango event, but also because a rope session is way more intimate than sharing a tanda for most of the people. 

Being in someone’s ropes or tying someone is an intimate thing. Therefore, before I decide whether I want to be tied by someone, I usually take my time. It can sometimes be difficult because, especially at rope festivals, you often have a feeling of urgency and that everyone is experiencing more than you do, so you have to catch up and get tied by more people. I resist this urge strongly because I know that it leads to, at best empty scenes, and at worst bad experiences.

Rope world is not that big and sooner or later you will meet that person again. Take your time to get to know them before you decide to tie with them. Talk to them, get to know what kind of person they are before you let them take control over you. It doesn’t only make for safer scenes, but also more rewarding and natural ones since by getting to know each other through a conversation, you can learn about each other's preferences in an organic way. In this way, you minimize the need for extensive negotiations, which (at least for me) often kill the mood and limit the scene. You have all the time to get tied by them, so don’t rush into anything. 

Trust your intuition

I can usually sense whether someone is interested in me or not and I believe that most people can as it seems like an evolutionarily very useful skill to have. Our intuition is often silenced by our mind, though, and we should learn to listen to it more.

When it comes to someone being attracted to you (which is necessary, in some way, if they should want to tie you, it doesn’t need to be sexual attraction, though), they will usually look at you a bit longer than necessary, they will look for opportunities to talk to you, they will smile at you when you look at them. All these things are small and not very noticeable, but our brains register them. I often have this unexplainable feeling about whether that person might want to tie me or not without them saying anything. And I usually trust it. Not to the point of asking right away, but when I sense interest and it is mutual, I start to focus my attention on gathering more data in a more directed way. I test whether my intuition was right and only when I am pretty certain, I ask. 

On the other hand, when I sense a lack of interest or when I am uncertain, I do not ask. I wait and try to get more contact with that person to see if my feelings were correct or whether it was just a matter of not knowing me enough. I also try to remember the signs that led to a successful encounter to learn how to better recognise an interest in the future and to be able to trust my intuition even more.

Don’t ask for the wrong reasons

At the beginning of my tango career, I used to get quite frustrated when I would feel that someone that I wanted to dance with would not notice me. I would come to an event and want to dance with all the best and most popular leaders but they would not look at me. It was making me angry and frustrated until I realised that them not noticing me means that they are not interested in me, and even if we would dance together, the dance would not be good because they would not be into it. So instead of trying to force a leader into dancing with me, I began working on making them interested in me in the long run. And not only making them interested in me but also making sure that I actually want to dance with them and I am not just blindly following the opinion of the rest of the tango crowd.

I think that in rope it is even more important. Sure, it is great to tie with the best and most famous riggers, but do you really want to get tied by them or do you want the experience of one of the people who got to be tied by them? Do you know them well enough to tell? Do you know what kind of people they are or are your reasons simply that they are good at what they do? 

Asking someone to tie you just because they are well known rarely leads to a good experience. From the rigger’s side, they can sense whether you are genuinely interested in them or simply want the experience. I can imagine that the latter often leads to a rejection straight away. It’s impolite and painful for the rigger to be used like that. And even if they don’t reject you, are you sure that you want to give control over your body and mind to someone just because you’ve seen that they can do really cool suspensions? Don’t you want to make sure that they actually are worth giving yourself to them before you allow them to bind you? 

Don’t go above your league

In the tango world, there is a breed of followers who would always hang around the table of ‘masteros’ for the entire duration of the festival, wearing their best dresses and hoping that they will get asked to dance by one of them. And they often succeed, especially when they are young and pretty. I’ve never had the ambition to dance with the teachers because I’ve never felt good enough in my dancing to be able to offer them an enjoyable experience. If they would ask me because I would make such effort as those girls, I would probably have felt like they are doing it out of pity and not because they truly value my dancing skills. And I didn’t want that. Of course, I would love to dance with my favourite maestro, but only if I would be sure that I have something to offer to them. That they truly want to dance with me and that I can offer them valuable experience. To me, the same holds for rope. 

In rope, the matter of bottoming technique is not so prominent as tango technique. You do not need to have amazing ‘bottoming skills’ to have a great scene with someone. But it is important to ask yourself if you are not wanting to be tied for the wrong reasons. Therefore, I always try to ask myself, do I really want to offer myself to that person? Looking at the way they tie, do I think that I can offer them an interesting experience? Am I willing to open myself enough to that person for us to live through something meaningful? I think that it is important to answer these questions to yourself honestly before you ask someone to tie you and I only ask if I feel like I do have something meaningful and authentic to offer to the rigger. 

Don’t rely on others for validation

One of the cases when being rejected is very painful is when you treat your interactions with other people as ways to validate yourself. It is a trap that many people fall into. They don’t value themselves enough internally, but they look for validation externally. They reason that if a certain person agrees to tie them/being tied by them it will be proof that they are of some value.

It is a short-lived strategy that leads to pain in the long term. It feeds on your insecurities instead of helping you to get over them, which does not only hinders you but also makes you less attractive. By having that attitude you become needy and self-centred, assessing people on the basis on how much increase in the feeling of self-worth they can bring you instead of what kind of interesting encounter you could have with them. This kind of attitude is objectifying and drives the confident and secure people away. They will not want your meeting in ropes to be a transaction of exchanging momentary increase of self-worth, which you make out of it when you treat them like that. They will want to meet the real you in ropes, which you will not be able to give them if you seek validation because you will be too occupied with trying to meet their expectations to allow yourself to show the real you. 

So instead of looking to other people to validate you, think about what things of value do you bring to each tie. Recognise and cherish what you have to offer. Learn yourself in ropes and stand by your true personality that ropes bring out. That will allow you to enter bondage scenes with confidence and feeling of worth and presence that is hard to beat in terms of attractiveness. It will also allow you to see rejections as a result of some kind of mismatch and not as an indication that you are not good enough. 

It feels very different when you are secure about what you have to offer and that offer gets rejected from when you are not sure about the value of your offering and other people reject it. The first, makes you feel like they must not see the value in what you see value in, which is perfectly fine since people are different and it is probably a proof that you would not be a good match in ropes anyways, so it is better this way. The second makes you doubt your worth and makes you want to change to align with what their wishes about you might be. It makes you question the attractiveness of your personality and makes you feel inadequate, which is not only painful but also brings you further away from being your honest and true self. 

Don’t let your expectations spoil your mood

Another thing that applies especially to bigger rope events is managing your expectations. Usually, they are the thing that makes you miserable and takes all the joy from the event even if you’ve had a lot of interesting encounters. Unmet expectations usually disappoint more than the met ones bring happiness. Too many expectations (or any expectations for that matter) are a route to disaster and a ruined mood because at least one of them will always not come true and it will spoil all the joy from the good things that you’ve experienced. 

For that reason, I try not to expect anything from rope events. I usually go there with hope for one memorable scene (that is not so difficult to achieve) or one good workshop or something like that. Then after that had happened, I tell myself, “So now it happened, it was worth coming here, all the rest is a bonus” and that is what I live until the end of the event, reminding myself of all the great moments of the event each time I feel like I am not getting enough out of it and repeating to myself that I already got more than what I came for. It really allows me to enjoy more and stress less. Also, it makes me appreciate what I experience instead of hopping from one scene to the other, ticking the boxes on my checklist of people to tie with in the meantime. 

If you reject

Rejecting people is not easy and there are good and bad ways to do it. During my tango years, I’ve had to reject quite a lot of people and below are the guidelines that I try to follow whenever I need to do that. 

Be concise and don’t lie

I try not to come up with excuses when I reject someone and simply tell them the truth that I am not interested in dancing/tying with them at the moment. At the same time, I don’t become too elaborate on my reasons. Simple “No, thank you” should be enough to indicate my lack of interest. I don’t need and don’t want to explain myself. Unless they really insist, then I tell them the (sometimes uncomfortable) truth, which is usually much worse than a simple ‘no’ and which I hope will teach them not to use this manipulative technique on others in the future (some people cornered with a ‘why?’ question will back off and change their mind in their unwillingness to tell the truth, and that is why many people ask ‘why?’ I find it very manipulative).

Be firm

I try my rejections to be firm. Another reason why a simple “No, thank you” usually works best. I don’t want to give the rejected any reason to think that I might be hesitant in my decision. I also don't want to give them false hopes. If I am certain about my rejection then I simply say 'no'. If it's just situational and I would be interested in tying with that person in the future, I'll say that. But only if it's really the case. Otherwise, I try to be straightforward and clear in not having an intention to get tied by them. I feel like I owe it to the rejected person to be clear and honest with them. I don’t want to mislead them in any way. That is what I appreciate when someone is rejecting me and I try to apply it when I am on the other side.

Respect your boundaries

One of the worst things that you could do to yourself and to your partner in ropes is engaging in a bondage scene that you are not enthusiastic about. Nobody wants to tie or get tied out of pity. If you let someone tie you only because you didn't know how to say 'no', you will probably both feel miserable afterwards.

Especially as a rope bottom, if you let someone bind you without really wanting it, you violate yourself. And you learn to be in ropes with a tint that is really hard to get rid off later. I can't imagine that you can enjoy getting tied by someone without trusting them and I can't imagine that trust being there if you actually don't want to be in their ropes. By forcing yourself to live an experience like that you make a disservice to both yourself and to the top. 

Unless they were only experience-seeking, they were expecting to get to tie you and experience your willing surrender to them when they’ve asked to tie you. If you allow them to do it out of pity or reluctance to say ‘no’, you don’t give them your honest presence in ropes. You don’t give them the experience that you’ve promised. They will feel your lack of trust through ropes and unless they are extremely insensitive, it will not lead to a good experience for them either. Sparing both of you by stating clearly your boundaries is a favour that you owe to yourself and to them, even if it might seem painful and frustrating for the one rejected. 

If you get rejected

Getting rejected is uncomfortable and it hurts. There is no way around it. There are certain realizations, though, that can make it easier to get through and maybe even learn from it. 

Don’t kick yourself while you’re down

Unless you know the person really well and are absolutely sure that it is ok to do, don’t ask why they’ve rejected you. If they would have a reason that would not be painful to share, they would have probably done it. If they didn’t then it most probably means that you don’t want to hear their reasons and it will be less painful to just accept the ‘no’ and move on. 

Of course, in many situations, especially when it comes to relationships, it helps to hear people’s reasons for their decisions. But I think that it holds only when those reasons are in some way rational. When they can offer you a logical, or at least understandable explanation. In the case of rope, those reasons are driven by the laws of attraction, which are rarely logical and are often not explainable at all. 

I think that it is a great practice for rope bottoms to ask your riggers the ‘why’ when they said ‘yes’ to tying you. Hearing how other people see you in ropes and what are their reasons for wanting to tie you is great for recognizing your value and learning about yourself (you might be surprised sometimes). It is not very constructive, though, to hear the reasons for the ‘no’ because rope is extremely personal and it is really hard to be honest in such situation with a stranger (or almost a stranger). I think that it is better to just accept the rejection and not force them to either make it more painful or come up with some false excuses.

Appreciate what you have

Another thing that is very helpful to remind yourself when you got rejected is all the amazing opportunities and experiences that you have or have had. Maybe this person doesn’t want to tie you but think about all the awesome people who do. Or maybe they don’t want to tie you at this moment, but you’ve had some great scenes together in the past. Cherish what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. 

In tango, I took it to a really high level and when someone would ignore my attempts to get to dance with them, I would think about the fact that not dancing at this moment gives me more energy to have great dances later on. I would appreciate the opportunity to rest a little bit or use that time to connect with friends instead of focusing on the fact that I am missing this amazing song and possibly amazing dance with my favourite leader. Because getting too much of a good thing can also take away its charm.

Maybe for me, it is easier to think this way because rejection and denial are my strong kinks. But it is not only because I find it hot to be denied something or rejected that I see value in it. It is also because experiencing it in kink, I learned the value of delayed gratification. I learned how much painful anticipation can increase the pleasure when you do finally get what you desired. I learned how much more valuable things become when you have to wait or work for them. And being rejected allows you to experience it if you only want to look at it this way.

Use rejection as a motivator

How you see the reality is your choice. Not everything that happens to you is pleasant and not everything will go according to your plan. There are many factors weighing into the outcomes that you get and most of them are not dependent on you that much. Especially, when other people are involved, the results become really complex and hard to predict. I like to remind myself that at times so that I don’t fall into the trap of believing that I can fully control my life and all that happens to me depends on my actions. At the same time, I also like to realise that although I can’t control the outcomes fully, I do have an impact on increasing my chances to get what I want. And even more so, my personal attitude towards the things that happen to me in life is entirely my responsibility. 

So when I get rejected by someone, instead of focusing on how insensitive and frustrating it is and how pitiful human being I must be if they don’t want to tie me (the latter I sometimes still indulge in, though, just for my pure masochistic pleasure), I think about the things that I could have done to increase my chances. Maybe I could have been more honest in expressing my intentions? Maybe I could have done something better to make them aware of what I have to offer? Maybe I could have picked a better time to ask? Maybe I could have waited a bit longer to make sure that the interest is mutual? Maybe there is some way to develop myself more in order to be seen by them and catch their interest at a later point in time? 

If not, then it is also ok. Sometimes people just don’t match in ropes and it is also fine. I always try to see if there are some learning opportunities in the rejection, though, as it helps me to get over it and not treat it like an absolute failure, but rather a point on my journey.

Don’t take it personally

As I mentioned already, tying your personal value to external factors (especially people-related) is a really bad idea. When I get rejected by someone, I try not to take it personally. I try to remember that there are a million reasons why it might have happened. Maybe they are tired? Maybe I haven’t been visible enough for them? Maybe they have a jealous partner? Maybe they feel too insecure to tie me? Maybe there is someone else that they really want to tie in this moment and they are not interested in anyone else? Many of these reasons are objective and not related to me personally. I like to remind that to myself when I get on a route of self-blame and feeling not good enough. 

And even if it is related to me personally, it doesn’t mean that there is anything that I could do about it. It doesn’t mean that I should change anything in myself. Maybe they see better than I do our lack of compatibility? Maybe I only think that the scene that we would have would be amazing, looking at them with their other partners, but they are aware that it wouldn’t work with someone else?

Again, I like to take what I can learn from this kind of situations, but I also don’t stress too much about what I could have done to change the outcome as I realize that it is way too complex to comprehend. I take what I can for the future, but I don’t overthink the past. Instead of being bitter and withdrawn, I try to open up more and be more welcoming. It is not easy, but it is the only way to make sure that people around me can see me. And the only person that I should be interested in being tied by is someone who sees and wants to tie me. 

I realize that this post is way way way too long. I am truly amazed if you got this far reading it. Maybe for some people, the things that I write about here are obvious. I do think, however, that they are much easier said than done. I really (try to) live by these rules, not only write about them and it really helps. It is not only empty words. The kind of attitudes that I describe is not easy, but they really paid off for me and I think that they are worth cultivating. 

I wish that handling rejection would become easier for more people. I think that it would help both sides in being honest and asserting their boundaries. I wish that it would become less uncomfortable for people to both hear and say ‘no’, that we would become more authentic in our choices without the fear of being judged for it. I really think that it would help our community and it would lead to (maybe less but) more positive rope experiences for everyone. And isn’t that what we all want? 

Lessons on the poetics of kinbaku from Barkas and Addie

A while ago I participated in a workshop by Barkas and Addie on their interpretation of Yukimura style at the beautiful Atelier Simonet in Paris. The number of inspiring concepts in that workshop was so enormous that it took me a while to process them into a condensed form. I finally did it and here are the most important thoughts that were born during or as a result of the workshop.

They are not general truths about kinbaku (do general truths about kinbaku even exist?), but rather concepts that can be inspiring and help one to get into a certain mindset. To me this workshop was eye-opening in many ways, the crown jewel being the first concept that I am going to talk about.

Rope bondage is in its essence a form of a dance

Throughout the workshop, we did exercises that were circling around this idea, even though we didn't talk about it specifically. One time, Barkas said that the aim of doing rope for him is 'to move his partner so that he is moved as a result'. And isn't that what dancing (at least partnered dancing) is?

When dancing, we move our bodies, put them in certain positions in order to evoke feelings in ourselves, in our partners and in the audience. In rope, we do exactly the same. And even though the music is not an essential part of a rope scene, we still move in a certain rhythm, certain tempo when tying. A good scene should be timed well, the ropes and the body manipulations coming at exactly the right moment and not randomly. Only then, you can get into the feeling of flow with your partner and get lost in the fluidity of your experience.

We dance to the silences and to the rhythms of our hearts. To the sounds of our breaths and the ropes caressing our bodies. We don't interpret the music that we hear outside of our bodies, but the one that is within us.

Another 'dancy' element in rope bondage is the presence of a leader (the rigger) and a follower (the model), which we also observe in many partnered dances. The rigger proposes to the model to put their body in a certain position, to which the model gives an emotional response. They respond with their interpretation of the position in a form of an emotional expression, which in turn moves the rigger.

One of the most beautiful and important concepts that I learned from my tango teachers was that in tango the leader provides a structure, a frame, into which the follower pours their emotions. The follower fills the dance with their passion, inspiring the leader and moving them emotionally. And it is an essential role of the follower as the leader already has to think about the structure of the steps and managing their and their partner's positions on the dancefloor. If they have to focus on filling the dance with emotions as well, it will be simply too much put on their plate. Therefore, it's the role of the follower to fill the empty frame of the steps with beauty. I like to think that in rope bondage similar rules apply.

Rope bondage is more about leading and following than it is about rope

One of the more interesting exercises, illustrating how much in the end rope bondage is about leading and following, was an exercise where we were tying without ropes. Barkas asked the riggers to tie one of the classic Yukimura style ties, but without using the ropes. It was a partial suspension with the model lying on her side, involving a TK and with one leg of the model raised. The challenge was not to force the position, but to use your will, the time, the context and the mind of your model in order to get them where you want them to be. Surprisingly, it worked very well.

When both partners are focused on each other, when they understand each other’s vocabulary (which was partly fixed here because of the context of a rope scene) and when the roles are clear, the rope becomes in a way redundant. Of course, using rope does give an opportunity to create shapes that without it would not be possible, and causes an enhancement of the experience, but they are not essential for creating the experience itself that being in rope is.

No matter how weird that might sound, rope is only a tool and not the central point of a rope scene. The central point is to experience the connection with each other, to move and to be moved, to assert and fill the roles of a rope bondage scene and see where it will bring you. And as Barkas showed us, you don’t necessarily need rope in order to achieve that.

The torture of Yukimura style is not about being captured, but about being (almost) free

Contrary to, for example, Naka style in which the model is often progressively bound tighter and tighter until at some point she can barely move, the ropes in Yukimura style are quite loose and the model has a lot of freedom. This creates an illusion of having a choice and as a result captures the mind of the model, not allowing him/her to let go. It's more difficult to accept what is happening to you when you constantly feel like you could almost free yourself.

In Naka style, the ropes often form a tight cage impossible to miss and the model feels very acutely that they are captured. Paradoxically, this immobilization of the body often allows the mind to let go and free itself.

Yukimura style feels more like a house arrest in which you wear an electronic bracelet tracking your location. There are moments when you feel like you are completely free, walking around the house, but then you touch the border of your invisible cage and you are reminded again that you are not. In this way, you relive the realization and drama of being captured each time when you are reminded of your captivity. Because of that, you are stuck in this experience, and it's very hard to let go and accept your faith.

Additionally, the combination of eroticism, shame and humiliation which are ever-present in Yukimura style together with capturing of the mind can be very powerful. Giving the model an illusion of freedom makes the shame and humiliation much harder to accept because they feel like they could almost escape it, and because of that, the feelings become even more intense.

Good technique is a means to gain the trust of the model

At certain points throughout the workshop, Barkas would give some technical tips and tricks to the riggers. What was interesting for me were not the tips themselves, as I'm not a rigger and I don't intend to be, but the reasons he gave for applying them, which was gaining the trust of your model and lulling them into a sense of security. If you have good technique and you know how to handle your rope and manipulate the body of your model, you seem like you really know what you are doing. And that is what the model needs in order to trust you.

As Addie mentioned, technical things in rope are something that you don't notice when they are done right, but you acutely notice when done wrong. It breaks your trust, as a model, because fiddling with rope and doing unnecessary movements gives an impression that the rigger doesn't know what he or she is doing. And that definitely makes the model doubt whether they should put their health, and possibly life, in the hands of this person.

I like this approach to stressing the importance of good technique to the riggers because it gives the ‘why’ that makes sense and has a depth to it. You don’t want your technique to be good in order to impress someone or to stroke your ego. You want it because it is needed in order to gain the trust of your model, which in turn will result in amazing scenes.

Once again, the models and their reactions should be at the centre of attention

This notion comes back over and over again in my learning, yet so little riggers apply it. It doesn't mean that you tie for the model but that your goal is to elicit a reaction and not just tie a certain pattern.

Barkas told us an interesting story of how he was trying to learn one of the classic ties of Yukimura sensei and how he kept getting it wrong, but he didn't know why. He would think that he tied the tie perfectly and then Yukimura sensei would come and tell him that it's wrong again, adjust the rope a couple of millimetres and then walk away, content.

Barkas couldn't figure out how to repeat the exact pattern of Yukimura sensei successfully since it seemed like he was so deadly precise. Until one day when sensei was showing him the tie again, he started to look at the face of the model instead of the ropes. And then everything became clear. It was not a pattern that Yukimura sensei was looking for, but the expression on the face of the model. If he achieved the result that he was looking for, he was content. The pattern was not always exactly the same, it would change depending on the day and the model, but the end expression was.

So please riggers, remember to look at your models when you create shapes with their bodies. The models are a part of the tie and only if they fill your ropes with their being, will your tie become a perfection.

Rope scenes are Other Spaces where the reality is governed by different rules

During the workshop Barkas mentioned at some point that in his opinion rope scenes are heterotopias. In terms of Foucault definition:

Heterotopia is a certain cultural, institutional and discursive space that is somehow 'other': disturbing, intense, incompatible, contradictory or transforming. Heterotopias are worlds within worlds, mirroring and yet upsetting what is outside. - Wikipedia

Looking at the above description it's hard not to agree with him. Entering a rope scene transports you into another dimension, in a way. In principle, you still are in the same real tangible world, in a room or any other physical space where the rope scene takes place, but at the same time, your and your partner’s minds travel somewhere completely else.

Rope allows you to let go of your day-to-day worries and immerse yourself exclusively in your sensations and the connection with your partner. It takes away the physical freedom of the model, often causing them to go inwards and confront what's inside of them and what they were trying to avoid in their daily lives. As for the rigger, I can imagine that it also frees their mind as they become hyper-focused on the model and because of that let go of everything else.

Also, the rules and norms of everyday life don't apply in ropes. It's a special space where it is ok to take away the other person's freedom and at the same time to be intimate with them, to open up fully to the other person and allow them to penetrate or even violate you. It's a space where you can let go of the social norms and adopt new (often D/s-governed) ones. What is interesting is that through rope any space can become a heterotopia. Once we enter into a rope scene in a certain space, we transform it into something ‘other’, which is governed by different rules and where time and space are distorted.

According to Foucault, the function of the heterotopia is unfolding between two extremes: between providing an illusion that exposes the real world as still more illusory, and providing a space of perfection to compensate for the flaws of real life. I think that in rope we can see both these extremes and anything in between. On one hand, by creating an illusion of certain situations (being captured, violated) it elicits emotions in us, which feel real, even though the threat is not. Thanks to that, it lets us reflect on the nature of emotions in general and might give us some space to evaluate what we feel in real life as well. On the other hand, it gives us an opportunity to get lost in this perfect moment of connection, to forget about everyday life and experience a pure moment of connection with another human being.

Silence is also music (or there is no such thing as silence)

At some point, Barkas was recalling a story of a composition by American experimental composer John Cage, entitled 4’33’’ in which the musicians do not play their instruments during the entire duration of the piece and the music is created out of the sounds of the environment that the listeners hear while it is performed. The point of the composer was to show that any sounds may constitute music.

I think that another interesting thing about this piece is that the sounds of the environment indeed become music for the listeners because their attitude is that of listening to a piece of music. And because of this change of perspective, they become much more sensitive and attentive to sound, and they start to notice and listen to something that they would normally ignore.

One of the things that Barkas was trying to make us realize is that in rope there is no such thing as lack of tying (even if the rigger does not make any movements). Throughout the duration of the scene, each position of the rigger has a meaning and communicates something to the model, making them feel. A break in tying or a lack of movement is also a form of communication. It also makes the model feel.

The same way as when musicians didn’t play, the audience started to listen to what is around them, when you don’t actively move the model emotionally, they start to be moved by their own emotions. You provide space for them to feel what is inside them, and because of the context of taking part in a rope scene and being highly attentive to what they are feeling, they go there. And it can be a very powerful experience. Therefore, the rigger does not always need to induce the emotions on the model by constantly moving their body or adding more rope. By stepping aside a bit and letting them experience the ‘silence’, they can also make them feel a lot. It can be difficult to step back sometimes, but ultimately it can facilitate an even more powerful scene.

We will never be able to read each other 100% correctly and that's ok

We also talked about the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to tell 100% what is happening in the head of your partner, but it is alright because such accuracy is not needed. When tying together, we both tell ourselves stories about what is happening to us and to the other person. We also try to read the story of the other, guessing from their body language what is happening to them. Not all of these guesses will be correct, but as long as they are not completely off and you can get the general direction of where your partner is, you can try to direct them where you want them to go.

You will never find out for sure if you succeeded, though (you can always ask afterwards but then their recollections might already be distorted because of your question). Like with a book or a poem, the moment your actions leave your body and try to influence the other, they start to live their own life. Your initial purpose is dead and the model starts to interpret them in their own way, like a person who reads a poem would. Most of the time your intention will be preserved in some part but new meanings will be added to it. And that is beautiful.

It always reminds me of the fact that even in the most intimate moments between the two people, you can never become one. There is always this barrier of the two minds getting close to each other, but never close enough. It can make you feel sad and lonely, but it can also make you appreciate how special it is when for a short moment you do manage to get close.

Even though what Barkas and Addie were showing us was so different from the rope that I usually practice, there were also some repeating themes from other teachings that I followed, like the focus on the reactions of the model instead of the ties, the importance of breaks in tying, the importance of good technique, the strong D/s element in the bondage and the eroticism of it.

It seems to me that Yukimura style in Barkas interpretation is extremely focused on mental domination and manipulating the emotions of the model, more than on the actual ties. Personally, I find it absolutely fascinating and thrilling. I love how because of the simplicity of the rope in this style, the entire focus is on the model and the art of creating something beautiful with their emotions. And I love the recognition of the beauty that is in the shame and humiliation.

This workshop showed me that, indeed, there is a lot of poetry in kinbaku. It made me slow down and see the beauty in the details. It made me think of what kinbaku is and what it isn’t, and reorganize my own ideas about it. And because it was so different from what I usually do, it enriched my practice of kinbaku in new and unexpected ways. And I am grateful to Addie and Barkas for that.

What I want to experience in rope is You

I tie with different riggers who have very different styles, but there is a conviction amongst the people who know me that my prefered style of being tied in, is the more traditional Japanese rope bondage, let’s call it kinbaku (I realize that it is a vague term, but I think that most of the people reading this post will have some idea of what I mean). Therefore, often when I say that I enjoyed tying with someone who doesn’t fit into that box, I get very surprised reactions.

“What?! How come you enjoy tying with that person? They are totally not your style!”.

And I do understand their surprise partially. It is true that the aesthetics and emotional landscape of semenawa and kinbaku fit me like a glove and I love to be tied by people who practice those ways. It doesn’t mean, though, that this is the only way in which I want to be tied. It doesn’t even mean that this is my prefered way of being tied.

To me tying with people is not an à la carte menu choice where I pick the dishes that I like the most. Rather, what I want is an omakase experience. I want the rigger to show me what he or she has to offer. I want to experience them and not use them to experience what I have in mind. I come to each scene with openness and curiosity and not with a set of expectations or guidelines on what I want them to give me.

And because of that, the people that I like to tie with the most are the people who are true to themselves in tying, the people who have something to say, the people who are expressing themselves in rope and not trying to copy something that they’ve seen in somebody else.

That is not to say that you have to be extremely original in what you are doing for me to enjoy tying with you. Some styles fit some people perfectly and some classic ties are just a pure perfection that does not need any improvements. For me, it is not really about what you are tying but about how you are doing it.

Are you in the experience or is your mind elsewhere? Are you tying me because you want to connect with me or are you trying to prove something to someone (that someone possibly also being yourself)? Do you enjoy what you are doing to me? Do you do what you do because you truly want it or are trying to please me? Do you recognize that you are interacting with a person and that your actions have an effect on me? Are you enjoying and exploring that effect? Is what you are creating with me beautiful (in whatever sense of that word)?

These are some of the questions that I am asking myself (even unconsciously) to evaluate whether I enjoyed tying with someone and whether I want to explore our rope relationship further. No matter what style you tie in, the answers to these might be positive or negative.

Because the thing about rope for me (or any other form of D/s activity for that matter) is that it is a joint exploration. If I am stepping into those murky waters with you, it is because you made me interested enough about your personality to want to see what will come out of joining it with mine. It is not because I’ve seen you tie someone up and I want the exact same experience. I know that it is not possible, because I am not that person. And why would I want that anyway?

It happens sometimes that I observe someone tying and think “This is an interesting person to be tied by”, but it is not about the exact thing that they did to someone and it doesn't lead to my expectations of what he or she would do to me. My thinking is more in lines of ”Interesting that they did that to him/her. I am curious what would they do to me.”

It is not even about the fact that I am a different person so they wouldn't do the same thing to me as they did to someone else. Even if they did something to their partner that I enjoy with other people, I have no idea if I would enjoy it with them. I am different with different people and my limits and sources of pleasure also change depending on the partner. The only way to find out is to try.

So if I ever get to tie with you, it is not because you do Naka or Kanna or Yoroi style, not because you can execute one or another crazy transition and not because you tied that or another person. It is because there is something about you that makes me want to experience the things that you might have in mind for me. Or rather because I feel that you might have something in mind for me. It's because you made me curious about the taste of the mixture of our personalities. Because I think that it might be a taste that I've never had before. And you haven't either. And I'm dying to see if we are going to like it.

Considerations on what constitutes the matter of kinbaku from Riccardo Wildties and RedSabbath

I've been extremely lucky to have recently participated in an unforgettable workshop, Xtreme Xclusive: Matter from Wildties and RedSabbath, as a model of one of the most talented riggers and amazing people that I know, Soptik. I don’t think that there is a need to add how huge influence it had on me and my development as a kinbaku model. Enormous.

Even though I’ve been worried about not being able to follow it, because of an arm injury that I’ve experienced at Eurix a week earlier, I survived all the challenging ties without a scratch (oh well, maybe a few) and had an amazing experience.

There are a couple of important realizations that arose from that workshop, that either have been shared by the teachers or other participants or just came to my mind, that I would like to talk about here.

Riggers

You learn the rules in order to break them at the right time

It was really fascinating to listen to Riccardo telling his students to break almost all the rules that he had taught them before. In his other workshops, he teaches how to execute Naka style ties perfectly. He explains each position and placement and teaches the standard way of tying that tie. Here, he was showing how to get out of the standard and break the perfection in order to express the mood and intensify the connection.

Because perfection is not what kinbaku is about. It's actually about the opposite. By breaking the rules you show your personality, make the tie yours. But you have to know how to apply the rules before you can break them. Otherwise, you are just ignorant and what you are doing is not showing personality but incompetence.

But when the time is right and when you reach the level of mastery that can inform your choices, sticking to the rules of a style religiously will prevent you from truly expressing yourself and the mood of the moment in your tying.

One tie does not rule them all

People in the West tend to learn a pattern and apply it thoughtlessly to every model, without consideration of how he or she is looking in the tie. Riccardo kept challenging the riggers to go beyond that habit and really look at what they've created so far and at their model in ropes and put the rope where they feel and not where they think it should be.

This created an entirely different experience. Both aesthetically, as it created more beautiful ties, but also mentally for us, models. You could feel that you are a part of the creative process of the rigger, instead of just being the means to his goal of putting your body in a certain position, that he is working with you and not despite you.

If you want your ropes to be clean, you need to clear your mind first

Riccardo kept saying that the riggers have to become more Japanese in how they are tying. It wasn't about conceptualizing the Japanese aesthetics, though, but about clearing your mind, so that you can let the inspiration flow through you.

There are certain standard ties that Europeans are able to tie in a Japanese way because they know the pattern well, but any time they try to deviate from the norm and change something, they become, as Riccardo calls it, ‘gothic’. That's because they think too much about the ropes, instead of observing and feeling them.

In Japanese aesthetics things are never perfect, there is always something unfinished, asymmetric, breaking the pattern. At the same time, those changes are very subtle. No big deviations, but rather small imperfections are what make the tie yours without losing its initial form. But only having a clear mind will let you see and feel the subtleties.

Using the right tie to evoke the right emotions in the model has everything to do with technique

I think that this was one of the most interesting concepts of this workshop because it's a paradigm shift for many riggers. People usually equate rope technique with their command of rope. The more ties you are able to execute, the neater they are, the faster you are and the better your rope handling skills are, the better your technique. It's partly true, but Riccardo shifted the focus, by saying that what good technique ultimately is, is being able to evoke the right emotions in your model at will.

Just as a brush is a tool for a painter, the rope is a tool for the rigger. And just as a painter paints with colours, the rigger paints with the emotions of the model. For a painter, knowing which brush to choose is a part of his technical skills in the same way as for the rigger is choosing the right tie.

I love this approach because it shifts the focus of the riggers from their ropes, which is a mere tool, to the models, which are the canvas. And that adds so much depth to the experience.

You should tie for yourself and not for your model

This concept might be a bit controversial, but I fully agree. I've heard it for the first time expressed by Soptik in his workshop 'Soptik's rope' during the Prague Shibari Festival last year. In the workshop, he had an exercise in which he was encouraging the riggers to tie something that they've always wanted to do, but they've never done because they thought that the model will not like it. He was asking the riggers this one time to tie for themselves and not for their models. To do whatever they feel like and see how it changes their experience.

A similar attitude was indicated by Riccardo during this workshop. He said that he always ties what he feels like and not what he thinks that his model (or the audience) wants. Only then he can deliver at his best. Even if it means tying the same tie over and over again, he will do it, because deviating from it will result in something suboptimal.

I love this approach because it intensifies the D/s dynamic enormously and it's very fulfilling for me as a submissive. The rigger has the power to do whatever he wants to do and he is executing it. He is in control. As a submissive, that's exactly what I want. If the dominant is focused on my comfort or pleasure, then the power dynamic is lost, because it is me who becomes a more important part of the equation. The balance is reversed.

If he ties for himself, I can feel that he is truly enjoying himself thanks to me. And that's extremely fulfilling and ultimately more enjoyable then if he would care for my pleasure directly. Also, it makes it more worthwhile to suffer through difficult ties. I make it for him and not for myself. And that makes all the difference.

Models

Surrender is not the same as dissociation

At some point, there was a question from one of the participants about how the surrender actually looks like, and why Japanese models are often so squirmy while in surrender, and Western models usually calm down and become less reactive in the same state of mind.

An immediate response that popped into my head and that was spelt out by NawaTaNeko seconds later was that surrender is not the same as dissociation. The models in the West often dissociate instead of surrendering, meaning that they distance themselves from their internal experiences, which often results in a freeze response, while surrender is actually opening up and letting all the experiences in. Surrender is an acceptance of your inner experience instead of its denial and that often leads to a strong external expression, which you can observe in Japanese models.

Another point that Riccardo raised was that in the West riggers are often not able to be there with the model if she is expressing her emotions. Squirming or screaming often leads to ending the scene. Therefore, models teach themselves to go more inwards, because they do not want to worry the rigger. Which is a shame, because by silencing themselves they might lose part of the experience.

Of course, every model is different and expresses herself differently. Some models naturally go more inwards. I, on the other hand, tend to be very expressive, which I used to treat as a sign of weakness, watching other models being so peaceful and calm. I even felt like my squirminess and being loud might be treated as a sign of disrespect towards my rigger. Like it might be taken as a complaint, which it definitely isn’t.

But watching more and more amazing models, like RedSabbath or NawaTaNeko, suffering and expressing themselves during semenawa sessions, I realized that there are power and beauty in strong self-expression. Being expressive means that I am not afraid to open up and to show what I am going through and that I want to incorporate the rigger in my experience. I am not expressing my feelings because I'm not able to take the tie otherwise. I am expressing them because I am fully open and I let everything spill out of me. I have nothing to hide. I am fully surrendered to my rigger and to the experience that he is giving me. And I trust him that he will stay there to witness me in it.

Showing true surrender inspires more than a thousand words

During the workshop both Ale and Riccardo were very tired as they've just come back from almost a month-long tour around the world. Partly because of that and partly because it's not her style, Ale was not talking much.

Two times during the workshop Riccardo asked her to describe her experience. Both times her descriptions were brilliant and so on point (I wish I was so articulate when my partner asks me to describe my experiences… I usually just say "It was tough, I thought that I can't take it, but I could."). But still, my impression is that according to the current standards of model involvement in a workshop, that's not a lot.

Even if she didn't talk at all, though, her presence and how much she was giving of herself was the best inspiration that I could get. It was amazing to see her take everything that Riccardo was putting her through, to see her break in relief after a difficult tie, to have her showing us her bare emotions. I can't imagine a better example of true surrender. The moment you see something like that, you think "I want to be so beautiful and strong for my rigger as well". And you are.

There is somehow this misconception nowadays that there is not enough verbal content for the models during the workshops. That 'modelling skills' should be talked about almost as much as ‘rigging skills’. Surely, there are certain technical skills that help in being a rope model. And surely, they are more or less important depending on the style that you're being tied in. But I refuse to acknowledge that the only valuable content that a model can bring to the workshop is verbal content. That if 'modelling skills' are not being talked about, then there is no modelling content in the workshop.

Not everything needs to be talked about. Being a rope model, especially for semenawa, is such a strong internal somatic experience and it's so individual that observing someone else in it might actually be much more powerful than having it being explained to you. Because it's all about the feeling, about getting out of your head and into your body, into the experience. And having your head busy with analyzing whether you are activating the right muscles only gets in the way sometimes.

Respect your models because without them you wouldn't be able to tie

I loved how much emphasis Riccardo was putting on being grateful to Ale and all the models for giving themselves to their riggers. I have a feeling like this aspect is often missed, as the role of the model in Naka style seems so passive that we sometimes forget how much it takes to do these things. And it's not even so much about our technique or physical strength, but about our mental power and endurance. Even though we are not learning any technical skills, we allow the riggers to use our body and we train our minds to be able to take more and more so that they can become better in what we both love.

There was a very touching moment, after one of the emotionally very challenging ties when Ale was coming back to her senses, and some people started chatting loudly without respect for what had just happened. It must have been difficult for her, as it might make her feel like people didn't care about her experience when she was at her most vulnerable. Riccardo immediately took notice of it and asked people to be quiet and respect her headspace, which they did. I think that it was really beautiful and showed how much he cared about her. He did understand how much she was giving of herself, even if others didn't.

Of course, I know that a workshop is a special circumstance and as teachers (and as participants) you can't give each other as much care as you normally would if it was a session. But still, it's important to remember that, especially in semenawa, the emotional toll on the models is really high. We are tough and we can take it, but even small signs of appreciation really make a huge difference. The fact that I almost cried when at the end of the workshop Riccardo thanked all the models for their dedication is a good indication of that.

Showing appreciation for my suffering and letting me know that he sees my efforts is exactly what Soptik was doing during the entire workshop. Thanks to that I was able to take more for him than I would ever have thought I could and really surrender to all the experiences that he put me through. And I am really grateful to him for his support and recognition even amid the most technically challenging exercises. I felt truly seen.

I had already been in love with Naka style, but this workshop had made my love even stronger. Even though it was supposed to be a very technical workshop, it evoked a lot of strong feelings in me, because it’s impossible to fully separate the matter from the spirit in kinbaku. And the ability of Riccardo WIldties and RedSabbath to explain and make us understand something as esoteric as kinbaku is truly extraordinary. We need more teachers like that.

Last but not least, I have to mention this unforgettable quote from Riccardo here because we need not forget that in the end, kinbaku is a perverted art invented by dirty men wanting to do dirty things to innocent women:

Explaining his tie, ‘fucked up Gyaku ebi’, “You want to see the boobs, the ass and the face of the model all at the same time."

Isn't that poetic?