My personal journey through BDSM, kinbaku and life.
Selected posts about Rope Modelling and Kinbaku
Have you ever been in the middle of something when you realised that it’s your dream coming true, only you didn’t even know you had such a dream? It happened to me. And it made me cry in ropes for the first time. (…)
The moment he invited me on stage to kneel in front of him, I finally understood what was happening. I also realised that no matter how many pictures and videos of his rope I’ve seen and no matter that I did a workshop with him and Iroha-san and had seen them perform, he was a stranger to me.
Apart from being a rope model I am also a kinbaku appreciator. Or rather, I am on a path of becoming one as I don’t think I have obtained this skill yet. Just as with any skill, understanding and enjoying kinbaku requires effort and dedication. And the more work you put into it, the more subtle pleasures you will be able to derive from it.
I sometimes wonder, or get asked, why do I like to get tied. It is a difficult question to answer because I like it with different people for different reasons. I like to be under the power of dominant men and suffering in their ropes is a way to express my devotion to them. I like to feel helpless and abused and rope is a great tool for my partners to make me feel this way. I like to serve, to please people with my being. I like it when people enjoy me. There is one reason, however, that is the strongest, deepest and most personal of all. It is so deeply ingrained in my being that I believe that, in some way, it always shows up, even if my partners use it in different ways.
Rope bondage is my laboratory for investigating vulnerability.
I put quite a lot of attention to what I am wearing for a rope scene because I believe that it has a big influence on my interaction with the rigger. Like with everything, learning what that influence actually is has been a journey for me. Rope fashion is not a topic as deep as exploring limits, losing control, eroticism, handling rejection, or being patient which I have explored in the past. However, that does not mean that it doesn’t have a significant impact on the way I receive rope. Or that it is less important.
I’ve been thinking recently about my ways to receive ropes. I say ways because they are different depending on who I tie with, my mood, their mood, the dynamics between us in that particular moment, the style that we tie in and many other factors. There are certain experiences that I crave and seek more than others, however. One of them is the feeling of sacrificing myself for the rigger.
I do have a lot of experience with rejection in tango because the specifics of this dance and the social norms surrounding it are basically built around the notion of rejection. I think that my experience from tango can be really well translated into rope reality and can be helpful to some people. It certainly has been for me as I think that it is one of the reasons why I can quite often avoid rejection altogether and I handle it pretty well if it happens.
I started bottoming in a community where the presence of active power bottoms was very prominent. (…) In the beginning, I was trying to become like those models as they were the only role models that I’ve had. However, after some attempts, I started feeling like there is something in their approach that did not fit my personality and the reasons why I loved rope. (…) It was leaving too much control in the hands of the model (at least seemingly) and that was the opposite of what I wanted.
I haven’t always been a patient model. In fact, I used to be a very impatient and annoying one. I used to be a model that would always want to be played with and entertained and couldn’t stand rope tops practising things on her. (…) I became a very patient and obedient model. (…) I would like to share here the realizations that brought me to that mindset, as I do think that patience is one of the most important qualities for creating beautiful kinbaku that a model can have and that it doesn't only benefit the riggers but also the models themselves.
I can't even express how privileged I feel to have given my first rope performance as a model of amazing Soptik in the School of rope run by Kirigami and Tenshiko in Milan. It was a small and intimate show, intended for the audience to experience a real session that could happen between the two of us in private. Around 40 people were allowed to have a peek into our dynamic (almost) without a filter. And I believe that for some it was an intense experience. Maybe even as intense as it was for me.
Selected posts about D/s and SM
It’s amazing how adaptable one can be to scarceness. How in the face of a shortage, norms redefine themselves. How your brain finds ways to explain and accept the new circumstances. How after the initial period of terror and panic, new means for coping with deficiencies are adopted and your life continues as if it has always been this way.
People know that I am into objectification so they sometimes approach me to talk about it. After going through a number of these talks, I saw one common idea repeated over and over again.
That to be objectified means to behave like an object.
It means being used, but only when they want to use you.
Sometimes it's less often than you would wish for. Sometimes it's more. Your view on frequency does not matter. They are not there to make you happy. Physical objects don’t get frustrated from not being used. Neither do they get overwhelmed from being used too much. Sometimes, they might get a bit worn out or dusty, but with proper care, it is usually fixable. Maintenance is what gives things their history and what adds to their depth.
It’s unbelievable how much I can read from the way I am being touched by someone. How many unspoken desires and motifs can spring from under the tips of their fingers. How subtle but at the same clear those unuttered truths are.
Sometimes I wonder what are the things that I wouldn’t do for you? So far, it seems like I would do anything that is physically possible in order to please you. I find it weirdly exciting and empowering. It is strange how my attitude towards submission is changing. Not long ago I would see it as a weakness. Being so subdued, so obedient. Right now I see it as a sign of power.
I love to figure myself out. And lately, I've been asking myself a lot what does it mean that I identify as a Toy? Why do I feel like it fits me better than a submissive or a masochist that I’ve labelled myself before? Because it's not like I am not submissive or not masochistic. I am. But there is something about Toy that gives a distinct flavour to all the other roles that I identify with. And it really speaks to me.
I am not sure if it would be possible for me to live my life this way the entire time. I'm not yet sure if I would want to. There are other parts of me that need catering to which I feel like I was abandoning when I was with you. Yet, being around you, there was a quiet and calmness in me that I’ve never experienced before. Everything seemed to be in the right place. I was in the right place. All that matters had been taken care of and all the rest disappeared. It was a new and powerful experience.
I’ve read an article entitled ‘The female price of male pleasure’ today and it stirred up a lot in me... Sadness, shame, guilt, disappointment, anger. A lot of old triggers came up. But also a lot of fresh thoughts were buzzing in my head. The tension was calling for a release. And what is a better valve for an angry and disappointed feminist then listening to Beyonce’s Lemonade and crying? Writing your thoughts down. So I did. It helped me to get over some things. And I feel like sharing it with others might make it even more powerful.
SMothered is a story of a modern independent woman, half a logician, half a poet, with a curious inclination for having her power taken away by ropes.
SMothered is my story