Maybe submission is not cool but embracing it, is

Anyone who has seen me play can tell that there is nothing more natural to me than to submit. The moment that I feel that someone has the power to take over and dominate me, I lean into it immediately. There is no struggle in me to let go. Nobody has to earn my submission. It's right under the surface the entire time, just waiting to be discovered. You don't even have to do much. It’s enough if you just scratch it and I'm already yours, staring at you with my puppy eyes and longing for more.

What is so tempting in submission for me?

I love to feel owned. And I love the feeling of losing control, the feeling that nothing that is happening right now depends on me. I guess that a part of me thinks that this is what I deserve. That I shouldn't be taken into account. That I shouldn't matter. And if someone shows me that they can see this, they earn my respect and admiration. Finally, someone who doesn’t fall for my bullshit and sees me for who I am. Only when you are ruthless to me, I can believe your words. Because I am ruthless to myself and any opinion that is milder than that should not matter. If you can be harsher with me than I am, I can finally relax and let you lead me. And that is liberating.

Also, when the hardship comes from the outside, at some point it makes you see that there actually is a limit to how much you can take. When someone is degrading you, there is a moment when you say, that is enough, I won’t take anymore. And that moment shows me that there are some shreds of pride and self-love in me. Without it, those shreds can sometimes be hard to find for me.

Another thing that I enjoy a lot is attention. If you are owned by someone, if you are used for their pleasure, you get all their attention. I love the attention. But I hate asking for it. The nice thing about being treated like an object is that you do not have to (and should not) express yourself. You can let someone else use you in whatever way suits them and enjoy their presence, without having to explicitly ask for it. On the one hand you make yourself extremely vulnerable because you give all the power over yourself to someone else, but on the other hand, you are shielded because you do not have to reveal your wishes and needs.

That works particularly great for me, because most of the time, I am kind of afraid of my deepest wants and needs. I am a masochist in many ways, emotional masochist more than a physical one I think. I love to suffer and I love to be hurt. And what I enjoy the most is when someone is truly cruel to me. When they find ways to really get to me. And somewhere deep inside I hope that one day they will find a way to break me.

If you have these kinds of urges, it is hard to act on them on your own accord. It feels wrong on so many levels that it is really hard to express it, let alone do it to yourself. So you just wait and wish that someday you meet someone who will be willing to do these things to you. Someone who will take you on this journey that you’ve dreamt about for so long, but you were afraid to go on alone. And you wish that they will understand you without words.

There are not many people who can make me truly suffer

As much as I lean into submission easily, because being dominated is what I crave for so deeply, I don’t often feel truly under control. At least not to the level that is interesting to me.

I feel like I make it extremely easy to be dominated. I am very expressive and I give a lot of clues on how to gain control over me. I want to be toyed with. I put myself in the spotlight with all the controls out in the open and the instruction lying aside. And still, not many people see that. Or maybe they do, but they don’t want to go where I want to be taken.

Because the places that I want to go to are scary and hard to navigate. The things that I want to be done to me are things that not everyone is willing to and interested in experimenting with. And you don’t only have to willing. You also need to be confident in leading me there. And you have to truly want it as well and understand it.

So even though it looks like I am giving up control easily, what I mostly give up is a layer that's so loose, it almost peels off by itself. I want to be dominated. I want to give up control. You don't need to be extremely skilled to get that from me. Or at least it might seem like it. Where it gets interesting is when you start uncovering parts of me that I don't want to be uncovered. When you make me dive so deep into submission that I almost lose my breath trying to come back to the surface. The lack of breath is what I crave for. Being stripped down from my layers is what I am looking for.

So what makes it not cool?

Deep inside I don't feel like submission is something that I should be ashamed of. It's such an inherent part of me and it gives both me and my partners so much pleasure and fulfilment that I can't believe that there might be anything wrong with it. How can something that feels so natural and that causes so much enjoyment, without harming anyone, be wrong?

This certainty is shaken though when I display my submission in public. Because then it's not only the opinion of my partner that I care about but also the impression that people watching might have of me. And that makes things way more complicated because while I carefully chose my partner, knowing their preferences and limits, I didn't choose the audience. And while I can ask my partner after play for reassurance and validation, I can't do the same with the audience.

And I probably shouldn't as I might not like what I hear. Sometimes they might have opinions about me that are not positive. And it's their right, they didn't enter the scene with me directly and they didn't make any promises. In its essence, kinky play goes against the mainstream understanding of morality and normality. I know that a lot of people don’t understand how what I am doing can be pleasurable to me. And usually, when people see things that they don’t understand, they judge them. Negatively. It is natural.

The solution to this situation is not to get aftercare from everyone who has seen me play. The solution is to care less about what other people think about my play. Of course, I should take other people into account when I play publicly in the sense of trying not to invade each other’s space. But I tend to care way more than that. I tend to care way too much about other people's opinion of me. And the funny thing is that it is not even their actual opinion, it is the opinion that I think that society has about submissive behaviour, which is that it is weak. So every time when I show a deep level of submission towards someone in public, instead of seeing it’s depth and beauty, I see an act that some people might consider as being weak.

I don’t think it is though. I think that being able to be so vulnerable towards someone and to trust so much is an act of bravery and strength and beauty.

Where is beauty?

The beauty is in the power exchange, in the dance of two minds and bodies, in being part of the spectacle of human experiences.

In the end, all art is created to evoke emotions and D/s power exchange is one of the rawest and direct, but at the same time intricate ways to achieve that. I love to be touched by literature or film or other forms of art. For me, a D/s scene is an escalated form of that experience. And I think that it is beautiful.

I think that it is beautiful that two people can strip themselves down so much in front of one another, that they are able to show each other their deepest and darkest desires. And I think that it is beautiful that there are people whose deepest desires are exactly complimenting mine.

It is amazing how vulnerable and bleeding open a D/s scene leaves us. How much we can learn about each other from it. How much trust the dominant needs to have in me to be able to do all these terrible things to me and believe that after that I will still be there with him. That I won’t turn away from him.

I love to be the vessel into which the dominant can pour the darkness that is in him. I love receiving it. I love letting him show to me that hidden side of him. I love to give him pleasure through my suffering. I think it is one of the most intimate things to do between two people. Accepting and taking in each other’s darkness.

I guess that what I am trying to say is that even though I was ranting a while ago about how being a submissive is making me feel not cool, I am over it now. I love being submissive and I love the emotions and intensities that it lets me experience. I love the connection that it allows me to have with my partners. And I love the strength and resilience in me that it is a sign of.

I am really happy that I am this way and I hope that I won’t doubt myself anymore when showing this side of myself to other people, but I will be proud of being able to offer myself so deeply to another person. Isn’t it one of the most beautiful gifts than one can offer?

This time I wasn't scared, I was terrified

We've reached a new level of fear play recently. A level on which it starts to be really hard to tell the fantasy from the truth, where the line between them becomes blurry and you start doubting whether what you are doing is really just a game. And now the only thing that I can think of is that I want more.

We love fear play and we do lots of it. I think that fear is one of the emotions that are the easiest for him to elicit in me (apart from arousal). It is always bubbling under the surface when I am around him. And he uses it a lot in our play. For example when he snaps at me unexpectedly. Or when he grabs my throat and says “I could just kill you right now”.

I like to be afraid of him. There is something in the mixture of love and fear that is really intoxicating for me. It's this moment of confusion when you both relish in what is happening to you and at the same time wish that it was over. Your brain can't really comprehend it so it floods your body with hormones.

He can make me scared of many things. Of pain (even though I am a masochist, when he hurts me with the intention to really hurt, I don’t enjoy it), of his disappointment (since what I want the most is for him to be pleased with me), of him leaving me (yes, he can be mean like that), even of death from his hand (in play I do believe that it's a plausible scenario). In all these cases though, part of the reason why it works is that I want to be scared. I want to believe him. I enjoy playing this game. So I let my brain follow the route that he has prepared for me.

This time was different. This time he terrified me to the core, even though I was trying to convince myself that what he was saying was not true. I was trying to get out of the hole that he dug under me, but the harder I was trying, the deeper I was falling in.

It was after an already heavy scene where he was demanding me to answer his questions, while at the same time making me unable to speak by putting pressure on me and stressing me out, which always makes me lose my voice. It seemed like the scene was over and we moved to the aftercare. Only that we didn't. He can be amazing like that, striking the hardest when I least expect it.

We were talking and cuddling and he was telling me that he loves me. Suddenly his attitude shifted, he started to seem a bit mad, or maybe mad is a wrong word, a bit psycho. “You have no idea what you're getting into,” he said and started laughing. “I'm going to fuck you up. Oh yes, I'm going to fuck you up really badly.”, there was something in the way he said it that made me shiver and want to run. “Where do you think you're going? Come here, come to me.”, he said, grabbing my head fiercely with his forearm. “Don't worry, I'm here for you.”

Only I didn't want him to be there. I felt like I needed to get away from him or otherwise he will do something really bad to me. I started fighting, but there was no way for me to escape his grip. He was way too strong. “I think you don't understand. Even if you manage to convince yourself that you should leave me, which I don't think you will, I am not going to let you go. You're mine and there is nothing that can change it.”

I was terrified. Is that true? Is he really a psychopath and not a loving boyfriend with complementary kinky interests that I was taking him for? What if this is the only moment that he is being honest with me? What if all his love and devotion is just a lie in order to get to me? In order for him to be able to weave his net tighter and tighter around me until there will be no space for me to breathe? “Did you really think that I actually love you?” he asked and laughed again. “Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I don't. I just wanted to get to your tiny brain that is so much fun to play with. How could I love someone as pathetic as you?”

This broke my heart. It felt so wrong. I truly wanted him to stop at that moment. It wasn't fun at all. It wasn't just one of those little dramatic acts that we played so often. It felt real. It felt like one of those scenes in the movies about serial killers when they think they've won, so they start to reveal all their secrets to their victims. Only in the movies, it usually turns out that they didn't win. And here I definitely felt like he did. He was right, I belonged to him and I was not going to run from him. There was no question about that. It is something that I have been communicating to him for a while now, but it didn't seem like he was going to use that fact anytime soon. I wished he did, but I was also ready to wait as I didn't want to push him into anything. As it turned out, he is more than ready to use it, but I won't be able to predict how.

It's not like I believe that I'm dating a psychopath. I don't. But... He made me realise that I can't exclude this possibility. Because it's not like it's impossible. With his manipulation skills… I just can't exclude it. And it's fucking hot. He made me feel like I might be in real danger. And I will not be sure if I am until it's too late. Isn't that terrifying? And crazy sexy? Or am I just a little bit insane?

Random acts of malice aka Reasons why I love him so much

Somewhere at the beginning of our relationship. We are sitting on a couch, cuddling and fooling around. Suddenly he says “I've got something for you.”
Oh, how nice, what might it be? I light up and begin wondering. He stands up and walks towards his bag.
“It’s something small. And I'm not sure if you don't have one already.”, he says walking back, smiling, with his hand behind his back.
I don't know why, but the thought that immediately pops up in my head is that he bought me a collar. He had to somehow suggest it to me and my mind is very quick to pick up these kinds of ques. My thoughts start racing. Did he really? Did he get me a collar? I don't entirely believe it. We've only started dating. But… he said it's small and I might have one of those… What else might it be? I become excited. I think he bought me a collar! My eyes must be shining now and my heart starts beating faster.
Then he throws at me my legging that I left at a rope jam and asked him to pick up for me. In seconds my excitement is gone and I'm left disappointed and pouting.
“What are you making a sad face for?! Are you not happy that I brought you your legging? Ungrateful little bitch.”
“I'm grateful. Thank you, Sir.”
“Good”
crying inside of disappointment

---

A couple of weeks into dating. We just came back home from the movies. It was the first time that we went to the cinema together. We went to see The Artist & the pervert, an amazing documentary about one of the most famous composers of the XXI century, Georg Friedrich Haas, and his wife/slave, Mollena Williams-Haas, performer and storyteller, with whom he has a 24/7 master-slave relationship. The movie was great and raised a very interesting conversation on our way back.
We got home, sat together on a couch and started cuddling. Suddenly he says excitedly with a big smile “It was our first movie date together!” I grin back, my eyes shining, heart warmed up and head full of thoughts on how amazing our relationship is, how sweet it is to go on a date together, how close we are getting, how our next dates might look like…
And slap! He hits my face really hard and starts laughing. All the lovingness is gone and I once again recall what our relationship really is about, him toying with my feelings in the cruelest ways possible.

---

After very intense play when he denied me sex with him once again after about 2 months of waiting, which made me break down in tears and screams for about an hour and left me completely brainwashed, he texts me in the evening.
“Hmmm… I can't wait to fuck you :* “
“God… You didn't have to tell me that…”
“No, I didn't :) “

---

First time I'm spending a night at his house and we're finally going to have almost an entire Sunday for ourselves. He calls me to the bedroom and then asks,
“So what time is it?”
It was around 11 am I think.
“We have time until 5 pm. Should be enough for you to find some random stranger and make him fuck you. And you better don't come back before that.”
What?! What?! WHAT?!
My heart sinks. I did tell him that I fantasize about him giving me away to other people and making me fuck them. But not like this. Not now! I want to be with him! This is our Sunday.
He looks at me with this impenetrable expression and asks, “What's wrong? Isn't this what you wanted?”
“Yes, I did… But… Not… Now…”
“Do you feel like you're not ready yet?”
I am starting to panic, What if this is my only chance to do this kind of play? What if this is a test and if I say no now, he will never propose it again? Being shared is one of my biggest fantasies, but right now all I want is to be with him.
“I don't think I am…”, I say almost crying.
“Alrighty then, come here.”, he hugs me and then starts laughing.
“Did you really think that I'm going to send you out like that today? Of course, I wouldn't do that! I am also looking forward to spending this Sunday with you, you silly.”

---

It's been a long while since I've had an orgasm and I was really horny. He was on holidays, camping. I asked him if I could maybe make myself cum tonight.
“You know my answer “ was his first reply, but then he added, “You would have to do something extremely embarrassing for me to reconsider.”
I started coming up with things that I could do, that would be embarrassing enough for him to let me cum. I sent a couple of proposals but didn't get any comments from him. He was out of battery at the God-forsaken camping place.
Coming up with embarrassing things that I could do to myself made me even hornier. I decided to go for a public plea that I would post on fetlife. I wrote the text, filling it with degrading and humiliating statements about myself and begging him to let me cum. I sent it to him and waited. After 3 hours he finally got his phone charged and replied.
“Did you post what you've written already?”
“Not yet”
“Isn't the crucial part of a public plea that it's public?”
“Yes, but I wasn't sure if you're going to see it… I'm going to post it…”
Me again after a while, “You really want me to post it right? And you don't have any comments?”
“Hey, it's your public plea, if you think it's good and might have a chance of success, I say go for it, I'll let you know my answer to a public plea when you make one”
“I knew that you're going to say sth like that “
“Yet you still ask. Wasting my time and the precious battery isn't helping your case…”
So I posted it and sent him the link. He replied after a couple of minutes. He didn't change his mind. The reply was still no. I revealed my most humiliating needs in public and embarrassed myself beyond reason for nothing. And he knew all along what I am getting into. How could I have not seen that one coming?

---

After a lovely dinner in a great Japanese restaurant, we're heading back to his car. When we enter the lobby, I start to jokingly ask if he rented a room for us and how much is he going to pay me. He is laughing and not saying anything but then when we get to the elevator, he presses the button calling it to go up.
Tiny thing but he knew it won't go unnoticed. For 30 seconds my hopes go up. How sexy would it be if he would get a room and now we're going there so he can use me as he pleases! We get into the elevator and he presses -1. So we were heading to the parking space after all...

Being a submissive is not cool

Disclaimer: I am writing this as an attempt to put words to my feelings and shed some light on them. By no means am I treating anything that I wrote here as a fact, nor am I saying that this is how I view the submission in general. I am simply trying to get over something and I hope that letting some of the thoughts out will help.

The more I play and the deeper my submission to my owner becomes, the more I realize that I don't accept it in myself. I'm not at peace with being a submissive. I don't find it cool. No matter how much I hear that it's beautiful. No matter how much people preach that it's a strength to be able to open up and make yourself so vulnerable, that it's a strength to be true to yourself, to recognize your needs and to follow them. I don't find it strength if what I want is to be weak. And that is what submission feels like to me. Being weak. So I show strength by admitting that I am not strong? It seems contradictory and I can't wrap my head around it.

The funny thing is that when I see other submissives interact with their dominants, I find them strong and beautiful. I don't see a sign of weakness. Well, sometimes I do, it depends on the type of dynamic they have. But more often than not, I don't. The more control they give over to the dominant, the more hardship they go through for them, the more in awe I am with them. But not when it's about me. In that case, I see it as pathetic, weak and something to be ashamed of.

I am not sure where it's coming from. I think that it might be because of the values of independence that were cultivated in my family. I feel like showing someone that I need them is a weakness. Wanting to please someone is a weakness. Even more, loving and caring about someone is a weakness. And for me being weak is the feeling that I am the most afraid of. The feeling that I can't cope with something on my own, that I might need someone to help me is something that I find despicable. What I might be even more afraid of, is being seen as weak by other people.

Paradoxically, caring too much about what other people think is what takes the strength away from me. As well as not accepting and being proud of who I am. But that's the thing, I'm not confident enough to be able to do it. And I blame my lack of confidence partly on being submissive. I do think that I am getting this one wrong though.

In my head, there is a link between not needing anyone, confidence, being able to manipulate others and strength, and between wanting to please, shyness, honesty and weakness. Basically, if you need other people, if you let them influence you if you let them make decisions about your life, then you're weak. If you are completely independent, cold, always have a strong opinion and other people listen to you then you're strong. Weak is bad, strong is good.

It so happens that being a submissive entails being a lot of things that I find negative and undesirable. And it so happens that sexually I am a submissive. I tried to assert the dominant role, and it's paralyzing to me. Submission on the other hand comes so naturally as if I was born with it. At the same time, I envy the dominants for who they are. I feel like they have all the desirable traits and I have none. I feel like they are the success and I am a failure.

And the thing is… That they are. Because how is letting someone else decide for you cool? How is sucking up to someone making you interesting? How is following others something to be proud of? No matter how much I try, I can't convince myself that those behaviours have a value. I can't make myself believe that both sides of a D/s dynamic are equally valuable. There are people who lead and people who are led. And it's the people who lead, the ones who are admired and valued. The position of a submissive is always under. It is always the one who is less important, less respected (if at all), who has less (if any) power. It is exactly what I enjoy to be, but at the same time, I hate myself for enjoying it.

Playing with fire

I think that my biggest kink is mind play. I like physical experiences, but the body has so much more limitations than the mind. You can vary the intensity and parts of the body to which you apply physical pain, but in the end, the experiences are quite similar. Of course, most of the time there is some emotional aspect related to the physical pain, but the spectrum of emotions you can elicit this way is rather limited to low-level ones, like fear or anger. The human mind on the other hand… There, the possibilities of inflicting pain are almost endless.

I am fortunate enough to have found someone who is equally fascinated by the possibilities of mental torture that the human brain has to offer. I love to be emotionally tortured and he loves to give me pain in this way. Seems like a match made in heaven, right? I thought so too, but it is not as perfect as it seems. What feels kind of schizophrenic in our relationship is that what we feel for each other enables us to play the way we enjoy the most, but also puts us at a huge risk of losing each other. One of the things that drew us together was almost impossible compatibility of our kinks. The same compatibility might bring our doom.

One of the things that we love to play with is rejection and humiliation. I suffer the most when I feel unloved, unimportant and ridiculed. When I am made to feel worthless and lonely. And there is no better person to make me feel that way than someone who I love dearly. He owns my heart and he can easily break it. And is there a worse pain than that of heartbreak and betrayal? For me, not much can compare. So I give him my heart to play with. And I urge him not to be cautious. Each time we play, I can feel it crack a tiny bit more. So far, we've been always able to fix it, so that not even a scratch is left. But will we always be?

Even though he has so much control over me, the biggest part of it, is the control over breaking things. And I am the one who does the fixing. I am the one who puts the effort into bringing myself together. It is not like he wouldn't want to make this effort, he just simply can't. He can help me with that, but he can’t just order me to feel better and wait until it will magically happen. For some reason, fixing things is way more complex, uncertain and internal than breaking. I have to do the work, and it is a kind of work that can't be forced. That’s the scary part for him because it is something that he has no control over, but at the same time, it affects him. So, even though it seems like I am putting my life in his hands, he is also putting his in mine. Or at least his emotional well-being. He has all the power to break me and he has a big understanding of the results of his abuse. At the same time, each time that we play, we push a bit further and it is a new territory that we are discovering. So he can never be sure if he is not going too far this time. And whether or not it was too far is actually entirely up to me.

It is not only my emotional health that we are toying with. Also, the future of our relationship is at stake. We are putting at risk something that we both care a lot about, for the sake of what? Sexual pleasure? That doesn't sound very reasonable... But is it only sex we are talking about? Would our relationship be as deep and intense without our sick little games? We actually need immense levels of trust and knowledge of the other person if we want to engage in this kind of play. Levels that you might not come across in a ‘vanilla’ relationship. We are extremely vulnerable as we display the darkest corners of our souls to each other. And being loved in such moment or even especially for those dark sides feels radically accepting.

So isn't it ironic? The more we are putting our love at risk, the deeper it becomes and the more there is to lose. The more we feed the fire, the bigger it becomes and the more heat it gives, but also the harder it gets to control. So here we are, caught in this bidding game, where the only way to go is to go forward and hope that you will keep winning. I feel that the odds are in our favour. And even if we lose, isn’t it better to have something special and then lose it, than never have it at all?

My gift

I have recently realized that one of the things that I enjoy the most, sexually, is giving myself to my partner. Being completely at their disposal. Not just letting them have my body to use, but giving them the entire me, entrust them with every corner of my being to penetrate. I think that it is a very special gift and it should not be taken lightly.

I used to put it in the wrong hands and it returned to me battered and bruised. Multiple times I've heard from my partners that I'm sexy, but I should have more initiative. This statement evoked mixed feelings in me. On the one hand, it was making me feel bad and was causing me to beat myself up for being a passive and lazy lover. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like it's entirely true. I didn’t really feel passive. On the contrary, I felt active in proposing, in opening the doors. All they had to do was to push it further and step in. But my partners did not see it. They didn't appreciate it. I was giving myself to them on a silver platter and they were returning it to the kitchen, asking for another dish.

What I offer is my body and my mind for you to entertain yourself with. I want to be the canvas on which you paint with my emotions. I want you to play me like an instrument, to strike my chords and create haunting and captivating music. Because I can't play it myself, but I do want to hear it. I am a raw material that needs an artist to turn it into something beautiful. It doesn't mean that, like an inanimate object, I will stay still and passive in the creative process. I will respond to your actions. There are forces within me that will co-operate or fight you, depending on what you do. But I need your touch to awaken them.

At the same time, I need to feel that you are respectful of the material that you are working with. There are certain shapes that you can turn it into. It's almost asking to be formed in a certain way. As Michelangelo said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.” I want you to be my sculptor and to look for the statue that is inside me. Work with me, not despite me. Don't try to create an arbitrary shape that's not part of my nature. If you strike a wrong place with your chisel, I might crack open and fall apart. Be careful and try to look for the forms that are already there, waiting to be discovered.

What I want, is to create intense emotional moments for both of us. I want to go through a spectrum of emotions in a frequency and intensity that you would not come across in normal life. I want to play out all the dramatic scenes of love, devotion, suffering, humiliation and rejection that I enjoy so much to see in movies and literature. Only this time I want to feel them happening to me. And I don't want to fake them. I want to truly experience. For that, I need you to guide my mind to the places from where I can make it believable. Where I can truly feel and experience the things that you put me through.

I also want to entertain you. I want to be your little actress. I want to put up a show for you, just pass me the script. Just say the first line and I will go from there. Initiate, and I will follow. I will follow actively, filling in the blanks that you leave for me with all the passion and engagement that I can muster. But I need a structure. I need a skeleton that I can fill in with my being. I will do anything you want. I will fulfil every crazy scenario that might be born in your head. Just tell me what it is. Give me a structure. Something to hang on. And I will put all my heart and mind into bringing it to life.

So, do you understand what I am offering you? And can you appreciate it?

Do you also see the dangers that come from playing with my fire? Can you maintain and grow it without burning any of us down?

Finally, does it make you feel excited?

If all your answers to the above questions are a resounding yes, then I might just be the right gift for you.

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I'm sorry for forcing you not to fuck me

The story

Last weekend I broke a rule set by my owner. For the first time. It was a simple rule. I was not allowed to cum until he decides otherwise. I think it was around a month since I came the last time and I was pretty sure, that the next time we'll see each other, he'll finally fuck me.

It was a day before our next date and I've met for tying with one of my favourite riggers. As it usually happens with me, the tying turned into a light play. And then a bit more serious play. I told him that we should stop because I'm not allowed to cum. But the truth was that I didn't want to stop. I love to be teased and I love the thrill of playing with the forbidden.

Unfortunately, the more we played, the more I was able to convince myself that maybe it will be fine if I let go. In the end, my owner will finally have a reason to punish me seriously. Plus, he was probably expecting me to fail at some point anyway. That's also what I communicated to my rigger. And he read my hints.

I was about to leave when he started to touch me and play with my clit and finally his fingers dove deep inside me. At that point, I just couldn't hold it anymore as we've spent most of the evening playing on the edge. So I let go.

As soon as it happened, a loud scream ‘No!’ appeared in my head and on my mouth. This was the moment when I came back to reality and I realized the immensity of my mistake. I realized that I fucked up badly. On my way back home, I anxiously tried to contact my owner a couple of times to tell him what happened and release the feeling of guilt, but he wouldn't reply. The next day I did everything to make up for it. I dressed up in sexy lingerie, cooked a nice dinner and made sure it's ready on time. I greeted him on my knees, trembling, holding a board above my head saying ‘I'm sorry Sir ‘. I don't think it really worked, but it surely didn't make things worse. I got punished and I've atoned in the eyes of my Sir. He forgave me, but I haven't entirely forgiven myself yet. And here is why.

The learning points

The worst part of the punishment was not what he did to me. The worst part was being brought to the full realization of the consequences of my deed. As a result of my immature need for thrill and playing with fire, I've destroyed a scenario that my owner had been planning for a while. I have not only given up the opportunity to finally be filled up by him, but I also took it away from him. He was forced to start building up the tension and neediness in me from scratch again, which also entailed not having sex with me that night. By punishing me, he was also punishing himself. He denied a pleasure to himself in order to teach me something. The difference between the two of us is that he is able to control himself if he thinks it serves a bigger purpose. And I was not.

This situation made me realise that by not following his rules, I put myself in a dynamic that I really don't enjoy. The kind of dynamic where he is my mentor and the wise man and I'm a stubborn child. And I really hate feeling like a child. I hate giving an impression like I don't appreciate what he's giving to me and that he needs to force-feed me his ideas. I hate feeling like I lack in terms of maturity and commitment compared to him. There are many aspects in which I love to feel inferior, but this is not one of them. I want to feel equal when it comes to responsibility and commitment. I want to feel like we are building our dynamic together and that we both respect what the other one brings to the table.

The truth is that I do appreciate immensely what we are building and the traits of his character that enable us to do this. I find it amazing that he's able to design a scene that takes ages to play out. That he is like a spider secretly building his web around me, when I least expect it. I love how patient and deliberate he is. I know I can never be like that. I want to get everything right now, at this moment. That is why I appreciate his ability to delay the reward. It creates amazing emotional constructs. I would not able to create them myself, but I love to be part of them. And the least I can do is not to destroy this opportunity by being reckless.

In the end, this situation taught me (or even forced me) to take the responsibility for my own actions. Not only in terms of the impact that they might have on me but especially in terms of the impact on others. It is definitely not the only way to look at what happened. I know that my owner had lots of fun with punishing me and it could just have been a playful incident. But what I discovered is that these kind of incidents are not what I want to build our dynamic on. And I am grateful for this lesson.

If I am living a dream then why does it feel so much like a nightmare?

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a dream...

Throughout my life, I have grown used to getting what I want. It's quite amazing to what length others will go to please you if most of the time it is you, who is pleasing them. Now, you might think that I was a spoiled child, but it wasn’t the case. Quite the opposite. I was, in fact, a very good girl. Good student, good daughter, a good girlfriend. I've been moulding myself into a person who is pleasing to others, in order to make sure that, when the time comes, they will please me. I'm not sure if I would call it manipulation, but I guess in its essence, that's what it was. Intricate and well disguised, but still a manipulation. And it really worked. Family, friends, teachers, partners, they were all under my spell. Because how can you say no to this cute, innocent girl who is trying so hard to make you proud? The problem was that I wasn't really happy in that setting. In the back of my head, I was dreaming of meeting someone who will see through my tricks. Back then, I wasn't fully aware of it, but now I am. And I see a couple of reasons why that was the case.

First of all, if I would meet a person who is stricter than I am, I could finally stop being so hard on myself. Most of my life lacked external discipline, therefore, I was providing it to myself from the inside. It worked and helped me achieve many goals, but it's not a very emotionally healthy trait to have. Usually, when I learn something, I try so hard to be the best that my teachers/people who raise me only praise me, since they think that I'm already hard enough on myself. Well, maybe… But actually, I think that I need a lot of stimulation and push and very little praise. And if you don't provide it to me, then I just disregard what you're saying altogether. If someone is too soft on me, then it must mean that their standards are lower than mine. Why should I then rely on their opinion when evaluating my performance? But if there was someone (let’s call him a Master) who is hard on me, and whose judgement I trust, I could finally relax, and just focus on doing the work, while leaving the evaluation to him.

Secondly, with a person who doesn't fall for my tricks, I could stop pretending and finally be myself. When you keep being praised and rewarded for how well you are doing, it is easy to fall into a trap of associating your value with what you hear from others. Additionally, you become anxious about its end. So you keep trying harder to please others, and you forget about yourself. When you meet someone who can see through that, and who can see you for who you are, flaws and all, you can finally let go and just be yourself. It is who they see anyway. You don’t need to second guess anymore what kind of person you should be for them to like you. They already know what kind of person you are. And they like you. It would be so liberating to stop trying to control how other people see me and just let them be.

Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

So it looks like I finally found this person from my dreams. This person who can see through me, and doesn't fall for my cute looks, and an impression of a good girl. This person, who wants me to go further than that. To make mistakes and to grow. This person, who gives me challenges that are impossible to overcome, who bounds me to fail, only to show me that it's OK to be less than perfect, as long as I try hard enough. This person, who punishes me for every little mistake, with no room for excuses. Because it's OK to fail, but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't try harder the next time.

Finally, I've found this person, who doesn't give me what I want. No matter how much I beg, plead and curse. No matter how much of a good girl I am. No matter what I try to do to convince him to change his mind. He won't. Because he has all the power to execute his will. Because he has something that only he can give me, and he decides how and when it happens.

And it is heaven as much as it is hell. You see, when you are so dependent on one person to provide for your needs, it creates an entirely different level of suffering. The kind of suffering that you have no control over, and that lasts long after it was initiated. The kind of suffering, where you stop trusting yourself, because your mind will make you believe anything, to get what it needs. This suffering is not sudden and acute, like pain from a punch or from being called worthless. It's a process. A process of being taught a lesson. A process of adjusting to a new situation. A process of a painful realization, that not everything in your life you have control over, and sometimes you have to patiently wait for the things that you value.

It's a difficult experience, but at the same time, it's beautiful and exciting. It feels like this dynamic might teach me something way more valuable than only exploring my sexuality. It feels like it has the potential to change me and make me more at peace with myself and life in general. It already made me realize that sometimes, the things that you have no control over, are the most beautiful and rewarding. And even though there is nothing you can do to get them, you can help yourself, and stop chasing a dream (or a nightmare) living in your head, and start being present and appreciative of what you have and the people around you. Otherwise, you might miss what you so much wanted. And I so don’t want to miss it!

There is duality to me that I can’t quite explain

I've been participating in quite a lot of intense scenes lately. Actually, it's hard for me to recall a scene that I took part in and that wasn't intense in some way. Most of the time I am loving it. I love to scream and beg and cry and moan. Especially with a small crowd of spectators around. Only until I don't.

There is this part of me that wants always to be the loudest, the most sexual and the most intense player. And that utterly enjoys being teased and listening to comments of others about it. But there is also this other part that wants it to stop. The part that wants to just blend in and stop drawing attention. The part that wants some quiet space. I'm usually not listening to it because I think it's weak and boring. And I can't accept myself being either. They don't fit into the stories that I tell myself about who I am.

I've recently grown to realize that being a masochist is such an integral part of my personality that it penetrates every aspect of my life. It's funny because a year ago I wasn’t even aware that I enjoy pain so much and right now I identify myself with the masochist label more than any other in kink. Although I embrace it fully, taking pleasure in acting against yourself can sometimes make things difficult. Especially, when you're trying to grow to become a healthy, independent and loving yourself individual.

Like that time when I was my partner playing with someone else the entire evening without giving me any attention. Instead of doing what a healthy loving person would do, communicating about how I felt and finding a solution that would work for us, I decided to silently go on a rampage. Throughout the evening I participated in one intense scene after another, interlaced with emotionally distancing myself from everyone else and telling myself how unloved, unimportant and useless I am to him. Doesn't sound like a good idea, does it? But a part of me was sure as hell enjoying it.

Or when I pack my agenda with work, tying, dancing, dating, meeting friends, travelling, learning and one hundred other activities to the point where I have literally no time for myself. And I continue doing so until I snap and get sick and just need to get rest, because otherwise I will not be able to function efficiently again. A rational and self-caring human being would rest at least one day a week in order to regenerate and take care of their needs. But not me. I enjoy pushing myself to the edge and over it way too much to spoil it with self-care.

There are also situations, when being a masochist helps. It helped me achieve many goals and push myself far out of my comfort zone. When there is something difficult ahead of me, an exam, a job change, moving to another country, going to therapy, I jump right in, because I know that suffering is waiting for me there. It makes challenges easier to endure, not only because of the improvements that they bring me, but also because of the pain that I experience on the way.

I might be wrong, but I have a feeling that the duality that I mentioned earlier is an inevitable part of being a masochist. When you crave pain, you want something that rationally thinking you shouldn't. So you are experiencing simultaneously dual needs of wanting the pain to continue and to stop at the same time. It's similar with the humiliation play, which I see basically as intense emotional masochism. When you are degraded by someone you love, you actually do want him to stop, say that it's all a lie and that he loves you. But you also want him to keep going and make it feel real, to convince you that you're worthless to him, because that's what gives you pleasure. All these contradictory feelings make me question my sanity at times. While in play it's hot and it's exactly what I want. In real life it's often something that I would rather avoid. But I don’t always can.

So I guess what I'm trying to tell myself is that it's OK to be this dual person who wants two opposite things at the same time. Who wants both to be loud and watched and for everyone to turn their heads away and not pay attention. This person who wants to be loved and cared for but also put down and ignored. This person who is unapologetic and free in expressing herself and at the same time takes other people's opinions way too seriously. Because no matter how irrational and impossible it seems, this is me. And if there is one thing I know, is that logic is not something that my feelings have heard of. And I think they should stay that way.

My kinky play rule book

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my approach to kinky play and risks related to it. And out of all that thinking I decided that it will be good to put my thoughts on paper, both to make them more concrete, but also out of laziness. Now I can just make people read it before we go into any discussions about kink, play, consent etc.

I take the responsibility

Sex is a risky business. Kinky play especially. When I engage in it with another person (or people) I assume that we are all aware of the risks that we are taking and that we are equally responsible for managing them. That means that I am responsible for making sure that my partner is not getting hurt but also for taking care of myself and I expect the same of my partner. I want my tops to feel safe to hurt me. Even though it is the dominant who decides how the scene evolves, I definitely don’t feel like I have no influence over it. First of all, it is my choice how I respond to his/her actions. Through non-verbal (preferred way for me during play) communication I can channel the effects that their actions have on me. Plus I always have the right to stop them. I find it empowering and psychologically healthy to think this way. As this and many other research works suggest, feeling in control over what is happening in one’s life (including sexual life) is a key to one’s mental health. It might not sound very 'subby'. But for me taking the responsibility does not mean that I stay in control of the situation. Sometimes I do want to feel like I have lost all control and all the power is in hands of the dominant. I realize, though, that the result of this dynamic might be that we go too far and I get hurt and I am ready to deal with the consequences.

I take equal share in risk and reward

There is this theory in the economy saying that there is ‘no free lunch’, meaning that there is no return without a risk. And the higher the return, the higher the risk. Implicitly then, if we make the tops run more risk (in terms of the responsibility for hurting the other person), we also imply that they are more rewarded than the bottoms are. This creates a power imbalance that I don’t find fair. I don’t feel like a top gains more from hurting or using me than I get from being hurt and used by him. We want opposite but complimentary things that give us both pleasure. Even though I am offering myself to the other person, it is not a sacrifice. It is fulfilling my own deep need to serve and please. Recognizing and acknowledging it brings balance to the equation. We both get our kinky needs fulfilled by playing a risky game of hurting/getting hurt. And since it is risky, it might sometimes turn out not the way we wanted. I appreciate the risk that the top is taking by making me suffer. The same way as they appreciate the risk that I am taking by going through the suffering.

I play with people who listen

I chose carefully the people who I play with. That does not necessarily mean that I get to know them very well before I engage into something sensual with them. In the end I like the thrill of getting to know a person spontaneously through play. But I do try to assess if I trust that they are going to listen when I communicate that something needs to stop. Are they empathetic and open? Or self-centered and biased? The latter is a no-go, no matter how popular or skilled they are. I trust my intuition about people. And if I have doubts, I wait to get to know them better before going further. I am especially careful when I play with people who are in a way famous. In a small and relatively closed community like kink (and especially rope) community, the popular people are quite accessible for play. Because of the sort of power that they seem to have, it might be harder to say 'no' to them. I try to be aware of that and pay close attention to my intentions. Am I really interested in them as people or just in their skills? For experienced people it might be easier to put you in a certain 'high' state when it is hard to make rational decisions. So basically I run more risk of being manipulated for a higher reward of going through amazing emotions. I am ready to take it but try to be aware of the risks involved and also my own motivations. I do realize that I might miscalculate sometime how well intended someone is, especially with someone that I don’t know that well. It is the risk that I am ready to take in return for the excitement of intense play with a new person. If I do it though, I try to limit myself to the people who belong to one of my circles.

I treat bad experiences as learning points, not breaking points

For a while already I had a view on female sexuality that this article helped me put into words. It might sound harsh, but I think that women tend to be oversensitive about their sexual experiences. We are taught that we should be careful and guard our sexuality from predators lurking everywhere. We should spare ourselves and only get intimate with men who really ‘deserve’ it. I think that it is bullshit. I don’t think my sexuality is in any way more sacred and special than male sexuality. I love sex and I love exploring all its different facets. It takes a lot of trial and error, though, to find out what really gets you. Especially in kink. And that inevitably involves a lot of awkward and uncomfortable moments. Accidents happen when you get intimate with other people. In the heat of the moment someone might kiss you unexpectedly or touch you in a place where you didn’t want to be touched. As long as you communicate clearly that you want them to stop and they do that, I think that it is ok. I try to not get too upset when something goes wrong. Sure, I might have gotten uncomfortable, but it is ok to get uncomfortable from time to time. I try to analyse it and see where it went wrong. Was there something that I might have done better? Was I aware of and communicating my emotions? And do I want to try it again? Sometimes things don’t work because it wasn’t the right person/situation/mindset. And sometimes they are just not for me. It is good to distinguish between those.

I guess that some people would call my approach to kink RACK or PRICK. I do not really care that much about labels. I know that so far it worked for me and made me feel safe and in control.

Am I a bad feminist? - A sub’s question

I’ve read an article entitled ‘The female price of male pleasure’ today and it stirred up a lot in me... Sadness, shame, guilt, disappointment, anger. A lot of old triggers came up. But also a lot of fresh thoughts were buzzing in my head. The tension was calling for a release. And what is a better valve for an angry and disappointed feminist then listening to Beyonce’s Lemonade and crying? Writing your thoughts down. So I did. It helped me to get over some things. And I feel like sharing it with others might make it even more powerful.

Let’s stop victimizing women

My first reaction to reading the article was a slight annoyance. At first sight it seemed like another statement on female distress in the likes of #metoo campaign which I think did a lot of good but also went a bit off course. It is highlighting the problems that exists in our society, but also victimizing the women, leaving the power still in men’s hands. Coming back to the article, it read a bit along the lines of ‘those poor women need to endure unpleasant sexual intercourse in order to please the stronger sex’. But hey!? I do have a lot of pleasure from sex and I don’t feel like it is only because I give pleasure to my partners (definitely my vaginal orgasms are a very direct and bodily source of pleasure).

So why is nobody talking about female enjoyment, but treating sex like men’s business that women have to endure?

That was a burning question for me. But then, I’ve realized that I am in a privileged position. A lot of women really do not enjoy sex, mostly because they have never had the opportunity to learn to enjoy it. They were conditioned not to think about their needs but about pleasing the others. That realization made me feel guilty and sad. While I am opening up to my kinks and the beauty of a fulfilling sexual life, some women don’t even realize that sex can be pleasurable at all. Let alone getting on a path of finding out what their kinks are.

How can we create an environment when women stop being the victims and start enjoying themselves?

We want a situation, where women are empowered to think for themselves and not allow others to use or abuse them. How do we make women feel that it is ok to say ‘no’? And how do we teach them that saying ‘yes’ is not the only way to get where they want? I believe that women will feel more empowered to speak up when they feel like there will be people who will listen and stand behind them. Even more than that. They should feel that the society as a whole will stand behind them. And for that using sex as a tool of power needs to stop. Sex should be a way to connect to the other person and give pleasure to both participants and not a contract or an exchange of goods.

Wait… Isn’t the kind of sex that I enjoy embodying the power dynamics that we are trying to put an end to?

So yeah… Apparently what I enjoy the most in sex draws on gender stereotypes that are the most deeply rooted within us. Am I enhancing them? How can I be a feminist and at the same time enjoy being humiliated and used by the opposite sex? This is exactly the type of dynamics that the feminists are trying to fight. We are trying to level up the field. Give more power to the women! And what am I doing in this regard? If I was a switch at least… I could kind of feel like I am giving evidence to the equality of the sexes. But I am submissive to the core. Especially when it comes to men. I might even enjoy seeing some cute little girl in distress… But men? Overpowering them really doesn’t turn me on. At the same time, I feel that since I started to explore my submissive nature I have finally became my true self. Am I just fulfilling the role that society conditioned in my brain and that is what makes it feel so good?

Where does my submissive nature come from?

There was a thought in the article that really triggered me:

"At every turn, women are taught that how someone reacts to them does more to establish their goodness and worth than anything they themselves might feel. (…) One side effect of teaching one gender to outsource its pleasure to a third party (and endure a lot of discomfort in the process) is that they're going to be poor analysts of their own discomfort, which they have been persistently taught to ignore."

I felt to the core the truth that was for me in that sentence. I am fighting every day to stop caring so much about what other people might think about me and want from me and start doing what I want. It is one of the biggest obstacles that I have in a pursuit of a fulfilling life. And I do feel that women struggle with this more than men. At the same time, as a submissive, pleasing the others is exactly what I get my pleasure from. I ignore my own discomfort and humiliation in order to make the other happy. So, my submissiveness is basically a betrayal to my daily struggle. I tried to convince myself that the goal of the feminist movement should be to give women the freedom to choose the way they want to live. I should be free to make my own choices on how I want to live and have sex.

But still, why is my pleasure coming from acting out the most stereotypical gender and power configuration?

Is it coming from a cultural brainwash? Am I weak? Why am I not turned on by having power over people, but instead by being overpowered by them? I am not sure if I will ever find answers to these questions.

And does it really matter?

Even if my sexual preference comes from the social conditioning, so what? I can’t change the way that I am wired and why should I? Is pleasing other people really that bad? The fact that you take pleasure in pleasing the others does not make your enjoyment less valid. My feelings are real even if they are conditioned by the way I was raised. In the end, everybody is wired in a certain way due to his genetics and past experiences. Why should I feel bad about myself for being a submissive woman and a man with the same kink should not? Or should he also feel bad because it is considered as a weakness by the 'male' standards? I guess that the way to get free from all that and take control over your life is to accept and embrace who you are. Know yourself, know what gives you joy. Use that to bring happiness to those around you, who can appreciate it. And stop f***ing care what others think.