If I am living a dream then why does it feel so much like a nightmare?

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a dream...

Throughout my life, I have grown used to getting what I want. It's quite amazing to what length others will go to please you if most of the time it is you, who is pleasing them. Now, you might think that I was a spoiled child, but it wasn’t the case. Quite the opposite. I was, in fact, a very good girl. Good student, good daughter, a good girlfriend. I've been moulding myself into a person who is pleasing to others, in order to make sure that, when the time comes, they will please me. I'm not sure if I would call it manipulation, but I guess in its essence, that's what it was. Intricate and well disguised, but still a manipulation. And it really worked. Family, friends, teachers, partners, they were all under my spell. Because how can you say no to this cute, innocent girl who is trying so hard to make you proud? The problem was that I wasn't really happy in that setting. In the back of my head, I was dreaming of meeting someone who will see through my tricks. Back then, I wasn't fully aware of it, but now I am. And I see a couple of reasons why that was the case.

First of all, if I would meet a person who is stricter than I am, I could finally stop being so hard on myself. Most of my life lacked external discipline, therefore, I was providing it to myself from the inside. It worked and helped me achieve many goals, but it's not a very emotionally healthy trait to have. Usually, when I learn something, I try so hard to be the best that my teachers/people who raise me only praise me, since they think that I'm already hard enough on myself. Well, maybe… But actually, I think that I need a lot of stimulation and push and very little praise. And if you don't provide it to me, then I just disregard what you're saying altogether. If someone is too soft on me, then it must mean that their standards are lower than mine. Why should I then rely on their opinion when evaluating my performance? But if there was someone (let’s call him a Master) who is hard on me, and whose judgement I trust, I could finally relax, and just focus on doing the work, while leaving the evaluation to him.

Secondly, with a person who doesn't fall for my tricks, I could stop pretending and finally be myself. When you keep being praised and rewarded for how well you are doing, it is easy to fall into a trap of associating your value with what you hear from others. Additionally, you become anxious about its end. So you keep trying harder to please others, and you forget about yourself. When you meet someone who can see through that, and who can see you for who you are, flaws and all, you can finally let go and just be yourself. It is who they see anyway. You don’t need to second guess anymore what kind of person you should be for them to like you. They already know what kind of person you are. And they like you. It would be so liberating to stop trying to control how other people see me and just let them be.

Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

So it looks like I finally found this person from my dreams. This person who can see through me, and doesn't fall for my cute looks, and an impression of a good girl. This person, who wants me to go further than that. To make mistakes and to grow. This person, who gives me challenges that are impossible to overcome, who bounds me to fail, only to show me that it's OK to be less than perfect, as long as I try hard enough. This person, who punishes me for every little mistake, with no room for excuses. Because it's OK to fail, but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't try harder the next time.

Finally, I've found this person, who doesn't give me what I want. No matter how much I beg, plead and curse. No matter how much of a good girl I am. No matter what I try to do to convince him to change his mind. He won't. Because he has all the power to execute his will. Because he has something that only he can give me, and he decides how and when it happens.

And it is heaven as much as it is hell. You see, when you are so dependent on one person to provide for your needs, it creates an entirely different level of suffering. The kind of suffering that you have no control over, and that lasts long after it was initiated. The kind of suffering, where you stop trusting yourself, because your mind will make you believe anything, to get what it needs. This suffering is not sudden and acute, like pain from a punch or from being called worthless. It's a process. A process of being taught a lesson. A process of adjusting to a new situation. A process of a painful realization, that not everything in your life you have control over, and sometimes you have to patiently wait for the things that you value.

It's a difficult experience, but at the same time, it's beautiful and exciting. It feels like this dynamic might teach me something way more valuable than only exploring my sexuality. It feels like it has the potential to change me and make me more at peace with myself and life in general. It already made me realize that sometimes, the things that you have no control over, are the most beautiful and rewarding. And even though there is nothing you can do to get them, you can help yourself, and stop chasing a dream (or a nightmare) living in your head, and start being present and appreciative of what you have and the people around you. Otherwise, you might miss what you so much wanted. And I so don’t want to miss it!