To me, rope is about eroticism

Disclaimer: This writing is an attempt at explaining part of what being in ropes is to me and what I get out of it. Because I am so passionate about it, I might at times sound like I think that this is the only way to do it or at least the best way. It is the best way for me, but I definitely don’t feel entitled in any way to tell other people what they should do in their bondage. What I will try to explain is why my practice of rope might not match with the practice of other people, why it might be difficult or even impossible to fit all rope practitioners into one community and why trying to do so creates friction that I think we are observing today. If you feel offended or attacked by me speaking my truth, I apologize. It is not my intention to offend anyone.

How ropes are erotic to me

I feel like I've been circling around this topic a lot, but I've never directly expressed it. So here I say it, to me rope bondage is an erotic activity. It can be more or less sexual depending on the circumstances but an element of eroticism is always there. 

I do find being bound by ropes erotic to the degree that I used to warn riggers who would tie me for the first time that I will most probably get sexually aroused during our session. I stopped doing that at some point because, somehow, I started assuming that before people approach me, they have already seen me being tied and have figured it out for themselves. But, to be honest, I think that I should continue to warn people about it because it is not a given (especially in the current circumstances). 

The eroticism of being in ropes is not something that I would admit easily, though. I am not proudly sexual in ropes. Rather, I usually feel like my arousal is torn out of me. Because the things that turn me on are not natural. And the fact that I am turned on by them does not make me feel proud.

Sometimes, I feel like I would rather not show this side of me at all, but in ropes, I can’t help it. Because being helpless and abused is sexy to me. I get aroused when I feel that I am at the mercy of the person who has tied me up. And the more things they do to me that I don't want, the more arousing I find it. I get excited when being degraded and humiliated. Being used and treated badly is what I find hot. At the same time, it makes me ashamed that by my reactions I might be giving evidence to how twisted I am. I find it disturbing that someone might discover my perverted sexuality. And, at the same time, it arouses me even more.

Many of these things are specific to me, though. Not everyone sees eroticism in ropes this way, and I also don’t tap into these states with just anybody.

There is also, in my opinion, a more fundamentally erotic side to ropes, which is in big part tied to the D/s or SM nature of it, as well as the visceral experience of being touched. 

I think that power imbalance in its essence is erotic. Being led is usually a charged experience. I can imagine that having power over someone is arousing and I can certainly say that someone else having power over me, is. Power imbalance creates erotic friction and what creates more imbalance than being bound and restricted by someone who can now control your body and through that possibly your mind? 

And then there is touch, which is an inevitable part of a rope bondage scene. The touch does not only come from the person who is tying you, but also from the rope itself. To me, the feeling of rope pressing on my skin is extremely sensual. I also find the pain that rope can cause erotically pleasurable. I am definitely a masochist, but I don’t necessarily enjoy the pain of impact play. The pain coming from rope bondage, on the other hand, is extremely enjoyable and often arousing to me. It is because of the closeness of rope to my flesh and the continuous embrace that it provides when applied on my body.

It is like a painful hug. It provides so much sensory and emotional input that it becomes a mixture of pain and pleasure, difficult to separate one from the other, and in its mixture, intoxicating.

How I find the eroticism of rope bondage its inevitable part

In my opinion, rope bondage is at its core an erotic activity. And although one can perform it in a non-erotic way, it requires an effort and a conscious decision to not go that route.

In hojojutsu, which is often considered one of the origins of Japanese rope bondage, as we know it today, being bound was an abuse carried out as an act of violence either to take away someone’s freedom or to torture them. Subsequently, the power imbalance and torture in the act of bondage was recognized to have a potential of being erotic by the SM practitioners and it started to be practised as an intimate act where one person binds the other, taking away their freedom, causing them pain or discomfort in a sensual way, and using their helplessness to perform erotic activities. 

Of course, the fact that in the past rope was used for the purposes mentioned by me above does not mean that it cannot be used for any other purpose. Nowadays there are people who practise rope bondage using tools and techniques coming from the erotic rope bondage but without the eroticism. I observe a similar phenomenon in tango. In its nature, it is a very sensual dance. It evokes intense emotions which are experienced intimately between you and your partner. You hug each other closely and one person (the follower) is in the power of the other (leader) in the sense that the leader dictates the actions of the follower. 

There are people, however, who do not dance in a sensual way and enjoy their dance that way. Looking at them you might still say that they dance the tango, as in, they use the same or similar patterns and they dance to tango music. They use the tools of tango, but they strip away its sensuality and potential eroticism. My question is, is it still tango or has it become something else?

The fact that you can take the sensual part out of this dance and still get something tango-like does not mean that tango does perfectly well without it. The fact that it seems like it is possible to practice tango without sensuality does not mean that it is not a necessary ingredient to really make it work.

Because when I see a tango dance like that, I feel like something is missing there. There is no ‘fire’ between the partners, the essence of the dance is gone.

Of course, that's my view as the sensuality of this dance is what draws me to it. I rarely enjoy my dances without it, but I don’t mind other couples dancing their way. I think that it is perfectly fine for them to dance the way they enjoy it. I do think, however, that it becomes problematic when people with different definitions of the dance meet together in one couple. Or when people start to demand from you to take that element out of your practice, because if they can do without it, it must not be its essential part. When people start to define the activity in a different way, but still call it with the same name. When the activity that used to be erotic and sadomasochistic by definition becomes many different things for different people and before you engage in it, you need to spend hours explaining to each other what your understanding of the activity is. 

I feel like rope bondage became so open and broad nowadays that that is what happened. Everybody has their own definition of what rope is for them. Everybody does it their own way but we are all part of the same community. It seems inclusive and open, but what it often ends up being for me is blurry and frustrating. 

How I see a rope community that I would feel a part of

To me, the advantage of being a part of a rope community would be to be among like-minded people where I don’t have to hide and pretend anymore. That we all ‘get it’ and I don’t need to censor myself when participating in rope events. But I don’t really feel that way.

Because when rope community is not anymore contrived only of a small group of perverts and SM and D/s enthusiasts, but artists, contortionists, yogis and all kinds of other people who do rope for their own reasons, the ones who belong to that small group of perverts will end up being too extreme to the others. They will end up having to, again, water down their needs and likes if they want to belong. They will have to hide and play themselves down the same way as they had to do in the wider society. 

You could say that it is fine. That they can leave their pervy erotic bondage to their bedrooms and private encounters and enjoy a more publicly acceptable practice when they are among fellow rope people. I, however, do not entirely agree. 

To me, a big part of the enjoyment of being bound is in being observed in that situation. One thing is being observed by the person who is tying you, which is an element of every rope session. Another is to be observed by perverted onlookers to whom you gave no direct consent for it. I find being in such situation extremely erotic and my impression is that in the old Japan (and maybe new as well, since rope there is still much more underground and perverted) it was often the experience of the model who would get tied in public.

The thrill was not only in her interaction with the rigger but also in having an audience who would watch the spectacle of her submission and torment. For whom she would play out their dark fantasies. And whose presence would allow her to play out her’s.

I can imagine that for a model it is an extremely intense and arousing experience. An experience that I dream of having. And although I’ve been tied in public many times, I have never felt like that. There have always been witnesses to my scenes that I felt like I was making uncomfortable or even shocked (in a non-positive way) by what was happening between me and my rigger. That they did not really understand what is being done to me and treated me like a poor victim or a circus attraction. 

Of course, that situation could provide me with another thrill. The thrill of being the centre of unwanted attention, the humiliation of being a weirdo. And as much as I can enjoy it at times, it is not what I am ultimately looking for. At least not each time when I’m being watched in ropes. 

How having people calling different things with the same name leads to trouble

I think that because the terms Shibari and kinbaku became so popular nowadays and because so many people are curious about it and so many people want to try it, we are losing the essence of what they really are (especially kinbaku as it is usually understood). We want to get accepted with our kinks and in order to get accepted, we try to make them more acceptable. We organize workshops on Shibari and kinbaku and not for a second mention the eroticism in them. We focus on patterns and techniques and forget about the spirit. 

And sure, we could say that the workshops are for practice and learning and later you can apply the techniques privately in an erotic way if you want to. But can you really learn kinbaku ties properly without having a kinbaku mindset while you tie them (or are tied in them)? Can you first learn the clean technique and only later season it with the eroticism? Will it be the same dish as the one that you would season right from the start? 

Should rope workshops be only about practising patterns and (maybe) talking about the philosophy? Don’t get me wrong, I do think that these things are important, but could we go back to perving a bit more and hiding a bit less? To using rope bondage for what it was made for and not trying to find new cleaner ways to practice it? Or at least give the people who do want to practice it this way some space and not call them snobs or elitists for not wanting to tie with anyone who asks or for refusing to tie at certain events? Some forms of bondage are for everybody, some aren’t. And I do think that it is important to get that clarification if we want to prevent accidents from happening and if we want to keep the community (or communities) healthy. 

The way I do rope is dark, erotic and sadomasochistic. I want to practice it on my own terms and I wish to find a community where this way is not only accepted, but also understood and encouraged. Where we can share our darkness and not hide behind another mask the same way as society demands us to do. 

It might mean that we need to go deeper into the underground, it might mean that we have to partly separate ourselves from the wider rope community. But if it also means that I might feel among (a subset of) rope people like I truly belong. That they will enjoy seeing my torment without feeling sorry for me. That they will not see me as a victim of abuse or a tourist attraction, but a conscious pervert acting out her fantasies and will be able to truly appreciate the beauty and the depth of my suffering, then maybe it is time to start calling the things that we do for what they are and stop putting everything into one basket? Without assigning value to any of them but simply acknowledging the differences and letting them flourish? 

Lessons on the poetics of kinbaku from Barkas and Addie

A while ago I participated in a workshop by Barkas and Addie on their interpretation of Yukimura style at the beautiful Atelier Simonet in Paris. The number of inspiring concepts in that workshop was so enormous that it took me a while to process them into a condensed form. I finally did it and here are the most important thoughts that were born during or as a result of the workshop.

They are not general truths about kinbaku (do general truths about kinbaku even exist?), but rather concepts that can be inspiring and help one to get into a certain mindset. To me this workshop was eye-opening in many ways, the crown jewel being the first concept that I am going to talk about.

Rope bondage is in its essence a form of a dance

Throughout the workshop, we did exercises that were circling around this idea, even though we didn't talk about it specifically. One time, Barkas said that the aim of doing rope for him is 'to move his partner so that he is moved as a result'. And isn't that what dancing (at least partnered dancing) is?

When dancing, we move our bodies, put them in certain positions in order to evoke feelings in ourselves, in our partners and in the audience. In rope, we do exactly the same. And even though the music is not an essential part of a rope scene, we still move in a certain rhythm, certain tempo when tying. A good scene should be timed well, the ropes and the body manipulations coming at exactly the right moment and not randomly. Only then, you can get into the feeling of flow with your partner and get lost in the fluidity of your experience.

We dance to the silences and to the rhythms of our hearts. To the sounds of our breaths and the ropes caressing our bodies. We don't interpret the music that we hear outside of our bodies, but the one that is within us.

Another 'dancy' element in rope bondage is the presence of a leader (the rigger) and a follower (the model), which we also observe in many partnered dances. The rigger proposes to the model to put their body in a certain position, to which the model gives an emotional response. They respond with their interpretation of the position in a form of an emotional expression, which in turn moves the rigger.

One of the most beautiful and important concepts that I learned from my tango teachers was that in tango the leader provides a structure, a frame, into which the follower pours their emotions. The follower fills the dance with their passion, inspiring the leader and moving them emotionally. And it is an essential role of the follower as the leader already has to think about the structure of the steps and managing their and their partner's positions on the dancefloor. If they have to focus on filling the dance with emotions as well, it will be simply too much put on their plate. Therefore, it's the role of the follower to fill the empty frame of the steps with beauty. I like to think that in rope bondage similar rules apply.

Rope bondage is more about leading and following than it is about rope

One of the more interesting exercises, illustrating how much in the end rope bondage is about leading and following, was an exercise where we were tying without ropes. Barkas asked the riggers to tie one of the classic Yukimura style ties, but without using the ropes. It was a partial suspension with the model lying on her side, involving a TK and with one leg of the model raised. The challenge was not to force the position, but to use your will, the time, the context and the mind of your model in order to get them where you want them to be. Surprisingly, it worked very well.

When both partners are focused on each other, when they understand each other’s vocabulary (which was partly fixed here because of the context of a rope scene) and when the roles are clear, the rope becomes in a way redundant. Of course, using rope does give an opportunity to create shapes that without it would not be possible, and causes an enhancement of the experience, but they are not essential for creating the experience itself that being in rope is.

No matter how weird that might sound, rope is only a tool and not the central point of a rope scene. The central point is to experience the connection with each other, to move and to be moved, to assert and fill the roles of a rope bondage scene and see where it will bring you. And as Barkas showed us, you don’t necessarily need rope in order to achieve that.

The torture of Yukimura style is not about being captured, but about being (almost) free

Contrary to, for example, Naka style in which the model is often progressively bound tighter and tighter until at some point she can barely move, the ropes in Yukimura style are quite loose and the model has a lot of freedom. This creates an illusion of having a choice and as a result captures the mind of the model, not allowing him/her to let go. It's more difficult to accept what is happening to you when you constantly feel like you could almost free yourself.

In Naka style, the ropes often form a tight cage impossible to miss and the model feels very acutely that they are captured. Paradoxically, this immobilization of the body often allows the mind to let go and free itself.

Yukimura style feels more like a house arrest in which you wear an electronic bracelet tracking your location. There are moments when you feel like you are completely free, walking around the house, but then you touch the border of your invisible cage and you are reminded again that you are not. In this way, you relive the realization and drama of being captured each time when you are reminded of your captivity. Because of that, you are stuck in this experience, and it's very hard to let go and accept your faith.

Additionally, the combination of eroticism, shame and humiliation which are ever-present in Yukimura style together with capturing of the mind can be very powerful. Giving the model an illusion of freedom makes the shame and humiliation much harder to accept because they feel like they could almost escape it, and because of that, the feelings become even more intense.

Good technique is a means to gain the trust of the model

At certain points throughout the workshop, Barkas would give some technical tips and tricks to the riggers. What was interesting for me were not the tips themselves, as I'm not a rigger and I don't intend to be, but the reasons he gave for applying them, which was gaining the trust of your model and lulling them into a sense of security. If you have good technique and you know how to handle your rope and manipulate the body of your model, you seem like you really know what you are doing. And that is what the model needs in order to trust you.

As Addie mentioned, technical things in rope are something that you don't notice when they are done right, but you acutely notice when done wrong. It breaks your trust, as a model, because fiddling with rope and doing unnecessary movements gives an impression that the rigger doesn't know what he or she is doing. And that definitely makes the model doubt whether they should put their health, and possibly life, in the hands of this person.

I like this approach to stressing the importance of good technique to the riggers because it gives the ‘why’ that makes sense and has a depth to it. You don’t want your technique to be good in order to impress someone or to stroke your ego. You want it because it is needed in order to gain the trust of your model, which in turn will result in amazing scenes.

Once again, the models and their reactions should be at the centre of attention

This notion comes back over and over again in my learning, yet so little riggers apply it. It doesn't mean that you tie for the model but that your goal is to elicit a reaction and not just tie a certain pattern.

Barkas told us an interesting story of how he was trying to learn one of the classic ties of Yukimura sensei and how he kept getting it wrong, but he didn't know why. He would think that he tied the tie perfectly and then Yukimura sensei would come and tell him that it's wrong again, adjust the rope a couple of millimetres and then walk away, content.

Barkas couldn't figure out how to repeat the exact pattern of Yukimura sensei successfully since it seemed like he was so deadly precise. Until one day when sensei was showing him the tie again, he started to look at the face of the model instead of the ropes. And then everything became clear. It was not a pattern that Yukimura sensei was looking for, but the expression on the face of the model. If he achieved the result that he was looking for, he was content. The pattern was not always exactly the same, it would change depending on the day and the model, but the end expression was.

So please riggers, remember to look at your models when you create shapes with their bodies. The models are a part of the tie and only if they fill your ropes with their being, will your tie become a perfection.

Rope scenes are Other Spaces where the reality is governed by different rules

During the workshop Barkas mentioned at some point that in his opinion rope scenes are heterotopias. In terms of Foucault definition:

Heterotopia is a certain cultural, institutional and discursive space that is somehow 'other': disturbing, intense, incompatible, contradictory or transforming. Heterotopias are worlds within worlds, mirroring and yet upsetting what is outside. - Wikipedia

Looking at the above description it's hard not to agree with him. Entering a rope scene transports you into another dimension, in a way. In principle, you still are in the same real tangible world, in a room or any other physical space where the rope scene takes place, but at the same time, your and your partner’s minds travel somewhere completely else.

Rope allows you to let go of your day-to-day worries and immerse yourself exclusively in your sensations and the connection with your partner. It takes away the physical freedom of the model, often causing them to go inwards and confront what's inside of them and what they were trying to avoid in their daily lives. As for the rigger, I can imagine that it also frees their mind as they become hyper-focused on the model and because of that let go of everything else.

Also, the rules and norms of everyday life don't apply in ropes. It's a special space where it is ok to take away the other person's freedom and at the same time to be intimate with them, to open up fully to the other person and allow them to penetrate or even violate you. It's a space where you can let go of the social norms and adopt new (often D/s-governed) ones. What is interesting is that through rope any space can become a heterotopia. Once we enter into a rope scene in a certain space, we transform it into something ‘other’, which is governed by different rules and where time and space are distorted.

According to Foucault, the function of the heterotopia is unfolding between two extremes: between providing an illusion that exposes the real world as still more illusory, and providing a space of perfection to compensate for the flaws of real life. I think that in rope we can see both these extremes and anything in between. On one hand, by creating an illusion of certain situations (being captured, violated) it elicits emotions in us, which feel real, even though the threat is not. Thanks to that, it lets us reflect on the nature of emotions in general and might give us some space to evaluate what we feel in real life as well. On the other hand, it gives us an opportunity to get lost in this perfect moment of connection, to forget about everyday life and experience a pure moment of connection with another human being.

Silence is also music (or there is no such thing as silence)

At some point, Barkas was recalling a story of a composition by American experimental composer John Cage, entitled 4’33’’ in which the musicians do not play their instruments during the entire duration of the piece and the music is created out of the sounds of the environment that the listeners hear while it is performed. The point of the composer was to show that any sounds may constitute music.

I think that another interesting thing about this piece is that the sounds of the environment indeed become music for the listeners because their attitude is that of listening to a piece of music. And because of this change of perspective, they become much more sensitive and attentive to sound, and they start to notice and listen to something that they would normally ignore.

One of the things that Barkas was trying to make us realize is that in rope there is no such thing as lack of tying (even if the rigger does not make any movements). Throughout the duration of the scene, each position of the rigger has a meaning and communicates something to the model, making them feel. A break in tying or a lack of movement is also a form of communication. It also makes the model feel.

The same way as when musicians didn’t play, the audience started to listen to what is around them, when you don’t actively move the model emotionally, they start to be moved by their own emotions. You provide space for them to feel what is inside them, and because of the context of taking part in a rope scene and being highly attentive to what they are feeling, they go there. And it can be a very powerful experience. Therefore, the rigger does not always need to induce the emotions on the model by constantly moving their body or adding more rope. By stepping aside a bit and letting them experience the ‘silence’, they can also make them feel a lot. It can be difficult to step back sometimes, but ultimately it can facilitate an even more powerful scene.

We will never be able to read each other 100% correctly and that's ok

We also talked about the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to tell 100% what is happening in the head of your partner, but it is alright because such accuracy is not needed. When tying together, we both tell ourselves stories about what is happening to us and to the other person. We also try to read the story of the other, guessing from their body language what is happening to them. Not all of these guesses will be correct, but as long as they are not completely off and you can get the general direction of where your partner is, you can try to direct them where you want them to go.

You will never find out for sure if you succeeded, though (you can always ask afterwards but then their recollections might already be distorted because of your question). Like with a book or a poem, the moment your actions leave your body and try to influence the other, they start to live their own life. Your initial purpose is dead and the model starts to interpret them in their own way, like a person who reads a poem would. Most of the time your intention will be preserved in some part but new meanings will be added to it. And that is beautiful.

It always reminds me of the fact that even in the most intimate moments between the two people, you can never become one. There is always this barrier of the two minds getting close to each other, but never close enough. It can make you feel sad and lonely, but it can also make you appreciate how special it is when for a short moment you do manage to get close.

Even though what Barkas and Addie were showing us was so different from the rope that I usually practice, there were also some repeating themes from other teachings that I followed, like the focus on the reactions of the model instead of the ties, the importance of breaks in tying, the importance of good technique, the strong D/s element in the bondage and the eroticism of it.

It seems to me that Yukimura style in Barkas interpretation is extremely focused on mental domination and manipulating the emotions of the model, more than on the actual ties. Personally, I find it absolutely fascinating and thrilling. I love how because of the simplicity of the rope in this style, the entire focus is on the model and the art of creating something beautiful with their emotions. And I love the recognition of the beauty that is in the shame and humiliation.

This workshop showed me that, indeed, there is a lot of poetry in kinbaku. It made me slow down and see the beauty in the details. It made me think of what kinbaku is and what it isn’t, and reorganize my own ideas about it. And because it was so different from what I usually do, it enriched my practice of kinbaku in new and unexpected ways. And I am grateful to Addie and Barkas for that.

This time I wasn't scared, I was terrified

We've reached a new level of fear play recently. A level on which it starts to be really hard to tell the fantasy from the truth, where the line between them becomes blurry and you start doubting whether what you are doing is really just a game. And now the only thing that I can think of is that I want more.

We love fear play and we do lots of it. I think that fear is one of the emotions that are the easiest for him to elicit in me (apart from arousal). It is always bubbling under the surface when I am around him. And he uses it a lot in our play. For example when he snaps at me unexpectedly. Or when he grabs my throat and says “I could just kill you right now”.

I like to be afraid of him. There is something in the mixture of love and fear that is really intoxicating for me. It's this moment of confusion when you both relish in what is happening to you and at the same time wish that it was over. Your brain can't really comprehend it so it floods your body with hormones.

He can make me scared of many things. Of pain (even though I am a masochist, when he hurts me with the intention to really hurt, I don’t enjoy it), of his disappointment (since what I want the most is for him to be pleased with me), of him leaving me (yes, he can be mean like that), even of death from his hand (in play I do believe that it's a plausible scenario). In all these cases though, part of the reason why it works is that I want to be scared. I want to believe him. I enjoy playing this game. So I let my brain follow the route that he has prepared for me.

This time was different. This time he terrified me to the core, even though I was trying to convince myself that what he was saying was not true. I was trying to get out of the hole that he dug under me, but the harder I was trying, the deeper I was falling in.

It was after an already heavy scene where he was demanding me to answer his questions, while at the same time making me unable to speak by putting pressure on me and stressing me out, which always makes me lose my voice. It seemed like the scene was over and we moved to the aftercare. Only that we didn't. He can be amazing like that, striking the hardest when I least expect it.

We were talking and cuddling and he was telling me that he loves me. Suddenly his attitude shifted, he started to seem a bit mad, or maybe mad is a wrong word, a bit psycho. “You have no idea what you're getting into,” he said and started laughing. “I'm going to fuck you up. Oh yes, I'm going to fuck you up really badly.”, there was something in the way he said it that made me shiver and want to run. “Where do you think you're going? Come here, come to me.”, he said, grabbing my head fiercely with his forearm. “Don't worry, I'm here for you.”

Only I didn't want him to be there. I felt like I needed to get away from him or otherwise he will do something really bad to me. I started fighting, but there was no way for me to escape his grip. He was way too strong. “I think you don't understand. Even if you manage to convince yourself that you should leave me, which I don't think you will, I am not going to let you go. You're mine and there is nothing that can change it.”

I was terrified. Is that true? Is he really a psychopath and not a loving boyfriend with complementary kinky interests that I was taking him for? What if this is the only moment that he is being honest with me? What if all his love and devotion is just a lie in order to get to me? In order for him to be able to weave his net tighter and tighter around me until there will be no space for me to breathe? “Did you really think that I actually love you?” he asked and laughed again. “Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I don't. I just wanted to get to your tiny brain that is so much fun to play with. How could I love someone as pathetic as you?”

This broke my heart. It felt so wrong. I truly wanted him to stop at that moment. It wasn't fun at all. It wasn't just one of those little dramatic acts that we played so often. It felt real. It felt like one of those scenes in the movies about serial killers when they think they've won, so they start to reveal all their secrets to their victims. Only in the movies, it usually turns out that they didn't win. And here I definitely felt like he did. He was right, I belonged to him and I was not going to run from him. There was no question about that. It is something that I have been communicating to him for a while now, but it didn't seem like he was going to use that fact anytime soon. I wished he did, but I was also ready to wait as I didn't want to push him into anything. As it turned out, he is more than ready to use it, but I won't be able to predict how.

It's not like I believe that I'm dating a psychopath. I don't. But... He made me realise that I can't exclude this possibility. Because it's not like it's impossible. With his manipulation skills… I just can't exclude it. And it's fucking hot. He made me feel like I might be in real danger. And I will not be sure if I am until it's too late. Isn't that terrifying? And crazy sexy? Or am I just a little bit insane?

I'm sorry for forcing you not to fuck me

The story

Last weekend I broke a rule set by my owner. For the first time. It was a simple rule. I was not allowed to cum until he decides otherwise. I think it was around a month since I came the last time and I was pretty sure, that the next time we'll see each other, he'll finally fuck me.

It was a day before our next date and I've met for tying with one of my favourite riggers. As it usually happens with me, the tying turned into a light play. And then a bit more serious play. I told him that we should stop because I'm not allowed to cum. But the truth was that I didn't want to stop. I love to be teased and I love the thrill of playing with the forbidden.

Unfortunately, the more we played, the more I was able to convince myself that maybe it will be fine if I let go. In the end, my owner will finally have a reason to punish me seriously. Plus, he was probably expecting me to fail at some point anyway. That's also what I communicated to my rigger. And he read my hints.

I was about to leave when he started to touch me and play with my clit and finally his fingers dove deep inside me. At that point, I just couldn't hold it anymore as we've spent most of the evening playing on the edge. So I let go.

As soon as it happened, a loud scream ‘No!’ appeared in my head and on my mouth. This was the moment when I came back to reality and I realized the immensity of my mistake. I realized that I fucked up badly. On my way back home, I anxiously tried to contact my owner a couple of times to tell him what happened and release the feeling of guilt, but he wouldn't reply. The next day I did everything to make up for it. I dressed up in sexy lingerie, cooked a nice dinner and made sure it's ready on time. I greeted him on my knees, trembling, holding a board above my head saying ‘I'm sorry Sir ‘. I don't think it really worked, but it surely didn't make things worse. I got punished and I've atoned in the eyes of my Sir. He forgave me, but I haven't entirely forgiven myself yet. And here is why.

The learning points

The worst part of the punishment was not what he did to me. The worst part was being brought to the full realization of the consequences of my deed. As a result of my immature need for thrill and playing with fire, I've destroyed a scenario that my owner had been planning for a while. I have not only given up the opportunity to finally be filled up by him, but I also took it away from him. He was forced to start building up the tension and neediness in me from scratch again, which also entailed not having sex with me that night. By punishing me, he was also punishing himself. He denied a pleasure to himself in order to teach me something. The difference between the two of us is that he is able to control himself if he thinks it serves a bigger purpose. And I was not.

This situation made me realise that by not following his rules, I put myself in a dynamic that I really don't enjoy. The kind of dynamic where he is my mentor and the wise man and I'm a stubborn child. And I really hate feeling like a child. I hate giving an impression like I don't appreciate what he's giving to me and that he needs to force-feed me his ideas. I hate feeling like I lack in terms of maturity and commitment compared to him. There are many aspects in which I love to feel inferior, but this is not one of them. I want to feel equal when it comes to responsibility and commitment. I want to feel like we are building our dynamic together and that we both respect what the other one brings to the table.

The truth is that I do appreciate immensely what we are building and the traits of his character that enable us to do this. I find it amazing that he's able to design a scene that takes ages to play out. That he is like a spider secretly building his web around me, when I least expect it. I love how patient and deliberate he is. I know I can never be like that. I want to get everything right now, at this moment. That is why I appreciate his ability to delay the reward. It creates amazing emotional constructs. I would not able to create them myself, but I love to be part of them. And the least I can do is not to destroy this opportunity by being reckless.

In the end, this situation taught me (or even forced me) to take the responsibility for my own actions. Not only in terms of the impact that they might have on me but especially in terms of the impact on others. It is definitely not the only way to look at what happened. I know that my owner had lots of fun with punishing me and it could just have been a playful incident. But what I discovered is that these kind of incidents are not what I want to build our dynamic on. And I am grateful for this lesson.