To me, rope is about eroticism

Disclaimer: This writing is an attempt at explaining part of what being in ropes is to me and what I get out of it. Because I am so passionate about it, I might at times sound like I think that this is the only way to do it or at least the best way. It is the best way for me, but I definitely don’t feel entitled in any way to tell other people what they should do in their bondage. What I will try to explain is why my practice of rope might not match with the practice of other people, why it might be difficult or even impossible to fit all rope practitioners into one community and why trying to do so creates friction that I think we are observing today. If you feel offended or attacked by me speaking my truth, I apologize. It is not my intention to offend anyone.

How ropes are erotic to me

I feel like I've been circling around this topic a lot, but I've never directly expressed it. So here I say it, to me rope bondage is an erotic activity. It can be more or less sexual depending on the circumstances but an element of eroticism is always there. 

I do find being bound by ropes erotic to the degree that I used to warn riggers who would tie me for the first time that I will most probably get sexually aroused during our session. I stopped doing that at some point because, somehow, I started assuming that before people approach me, they have already seen me being tied and have figured it out for themselves. But, to be honest, I think that I should continue to warn people about it because it is not a given (especially in the current circumstances). 

The eroticism of being in ropes is not something that I would admit easily, though. I am not proudly sexual in ropes. Rather, I usually feel like my arousal is torn out of me. Because the things that turn me on are not natural. And the fact that I am turned on by them does not make me feel proud.

Sometimes, I feel like I would rather not show this side of me at all, but in ropes, I can’t help it. Because being helpless and abused is sexy to me. I get aroused when I feel that I am at the mercy of the person who has tied me up. And the more things they do to me that I don't want, the more arousing I find it. I get excited when being degraded and humiliated. Being used and treated badly is what I find hot. At the same time, it makes me ashamed that by my reactions I might be giving evidence to how twisted I am. I find it disturbing that someone might discover my perverted sexuality. And, at the same time, it arouses me even more.

Many of these things are specific to me, though. Not everyone sees eroticism in ropes this way, and I also don’t tap into these states with just anybody.

There is also, in my opinion, a more fundamentally erotic side to ropes, which is in big part tied to the D/s or SM nature of it, as well as the visceral experience of being touched. 

I think that power imbalance in its essence is erotic. Being led is usually a charged experience. I can imagine that having power over someone is arousing and I can certainly say that someone else having power over me, is. Power imbalance creates erotic friction and what creates more imbalance than being bound and restricted by someone who can now control your body and through that possibly your mind? 

And then there is touch, which is an inevitable part of a rope bondage scene. The touch does not only come from the person who is tying you, but also from the rope itself. To me, the feeling of rope pressing on my skin is extremely sensual. I also find the pain that rope can cause erotically pleasurable. I am definitely a masochist, but I don’t necessarily enjoy the pain of impact play. The pain coming from rope bondage, on the other hand, is extremely enjoyable and often arousing to me. It is because of the closeness of rope to my flesh and the continuous embrace that it provides when applied on my body.

It is like a painful hug. It provides so much sensory and emotional input that it becomes a mixture of pain and pleasure, difficult to separate one from the other, and in its mixture, intoxicating.

How I find the eroticism of rope bondage its inevitable part

In my opinion, rope bondage is at its core an erotic activity. And although one can perform it in a non-erotic way, it requires an effort and a conscious decision to not go that route.

In hojojutsu, which is often considered one of the origins of Japanese rope bondage, as we know it today, being bound was an abuse carried out as an act of violence either to take away someone’s freedom or to torture them. Subsequently, the power imbalance and torture in the act of bondage was recognized to have a potential of being erotic by the SM practitioners and it started to be practised as an intimate act where one person binds the other, taking away their freedom, causing them pain or discomfort in a sensual way, and using their helplessness to perform erotic activities. 

Of course, the fact that in the past rope was used for the purposes mentioned by me above does not mean that it cannot be used for any other purpose. Nowadays there are people who practise rope bondage using tools and techniques coming from the erotic rope bondage but without the eroticism. I observe a similar phenomenon in tango. In its nature, it is a very sensual dance. It evokes intense emotions which are experienced intimately between you and your partner. You hug each other closely and one person (the follower) is in the power of the other (leader) in the sense that the leader dictates the actions of the follower. 

There are people, however, who do not dance in a sensual way and enjoy their dance that way. Looking at them you might still say that they dance the tango, as in, they use the same or similar patterns and they dance to tango music. They use the tools of tango, but they strip away its sensuality and potential eroticism. My question is, is it still tango or has it become something else?

The fact that you can take the sensual part out of this dance and still get something tango-like does not mean that tango does perfectly well without it. The fact that it seems like it is possible to practice tango without sensuality does not mean that it is not a necessary ingredient to really make it work.

Because when I see a tango dance like that, I feel like something is missing there. There is no ‘fire’ between the partners, the essence of the dance is gone.

Of course, that's my view as the sensuality of this dance is what draws me to it. I rarely enjoy my dances without it, but I don’t mind other couples dancing their way. I think that it is perfectly fine for them to dance the way they enjoy it. I do think, however, that it becomes problematic when people with different definitions of the dance meet together in one couple. Or when people start to demand from you to take that element out of your practice, because if they can do without it, it must not be its essential part. When people start to define the activity in a different way, but still call it with the same name. When the activity that used to be erotic and sadomasochistic by definition becomes many different things for different people and before you engage in it, you need to spend hours explaining to each other what your understanding of the activity is. 

I feel like rope bondage became so open and broad nowadays that that is what happened. Everybody has their own definition of what rope is for them. Everybody does it their own way but we are all part of the same community. It seems inclusive and open, but what it often ends up being for me is blurry and frustrating. 

How I see a rope community that I would feel a part of

To me, the advantage of being a part of a rope community would be to be among like-minded people where I don’t have to hide and pretend anymore. That we all ‘get it’ and I don’t need to censor myself when participating in rope events. But I don’t really feel that way.

Because when rope community is not anymore contrived only of a small group of perverts and SM and D/s enthusiasts, but artists, contortionists, yogis and all kinds of other people who do rope for their own reasons, the ones who belong to that small group of perverts will end up being too extreme to the others. They will end up having to, again, water down their needs and likes if they want to belong. They will have to hide and play themselves down the same way as they had to do in the wider society. 

You could say that it is fine. That they can leave their pervy erotic bondage to their bedrooms and private encounters and enjoy a more publicly acceptable practice when they are among fellow rope people. I, however, do not entirely agree. 

To me, a big part of the enjoyment of being bound is in being observed in that situation. One thing is being observed by the person who is tying you, which is an element of every rope session. Another is to be observed by perverted onlookers to whom you gave no direct consent for it. I find being in such situation extremely erotic and my impression is that in the old Japan (and maybe new as well, since rope there is still much more underground and perverted) it was often the experience of the model who would get tied in public.

The thrill was not only in her interaction with the rigger but also in having an audience who would watch the spectacle of her submission and torment. For whom she would play out their dark fantasies. And whose presence would allow her to play out her’s.

I can imagine that for a model it is an extremely intense and arousing experience. An experience that I dream of having. And although I’ve been tied in public many times, I have never felt like that. There have always been witnesses to my scenes that I felt like I was making uncomfortable or even shocked (in a non-positive way) by what was happening between me and my rigger. That they did not really understand what is being done to me and treated me like a poor victim or a circus attraction. 

Of course, that situation could provide me with another thrill. The thrill of being the centre of unwanted attention, the humiliation of being a weirdo. And as much as I can enjoy it at times, it is not what I am ultimately looking for. At least not each time when I’m being watched in ropes. 

How having people calling different things with the same name leads to trouble

I think that because the terms Shibari and kinbaku became so popular nowadays and because so many people are curious about it and so many people want to try it, we are losing the essence of what they really are (especially kinbaku as it is usually understood). We want to get accepted with our kinks and in order to get accepted, we try to make them more acceptable. We organize workshops on Shibari and kinbaku and not for a second mention the eroticism in them. We focus on patterns and techniques and forget about the spirit. 

And sure, we could say that the workshops are for practice and learning and later you can apply the techniques privately in an erotic way if you want to. But can you really learn kinbaku ties properly without having a kinbaku mindset while you tie them (or are tied in them)? Can you first learn the clean technique and only later season it with the eroticism? Will it be the same dish as the one that you would season right from the start? 

Should rope workshops be only about practising patterns and (maybe) talking about the philosophy? Don’t get me wrong, I do think that these things are important, but could we go back to perving a bit more and hiding a bit less? To using rope bondage for what it was made for and not trying to find new cleaner ways to practice it? Or at least give the people who do want to practice it this way some space and not call them snobs or elitists for not wanting to tie with anyone who asks or for refusing to tie at certain events? Some forms of bondage are for everybody, some aren’t. And I do think that it is important to get that clarification if we want to prevent accidents from happening and if we want to keep the community (or communities) healthy. 

The way I do rope is dark, erotic and sadomasochistic. I want to practice it on my own terms and I wish to find a community where this way is not only accepted, but also understood and encouraged. Where we can share our darkness and not hide behind another mask the same way as society demands us to do. 

It might mean that we need to go deeper into the underground, it might mean that we have to partly separate ourselves from the wider rope community. But if it also means that I might feel among (a subset of) rope people like I truly belong. That they will enjoy seeing my torment without feeling sorry for me. That they will not see me as a victim of abuse or a tourist attraction, but a conscious pervert acting out her fantasies and will be able to truly appreciate the beauty and the depth of my suffering, then maybe it is time to start calling the things that we do for what they are and stop putting everything into one basket? Without assigning value to any of them but simply acknowledging the differences and letting them flourish? 

On handling rejection in rope

Photo by Dark Path.

Disclaimer: This post is oozing positivity at times and to people who know me personally might sound a bit surprising. It is not dishonest on my side. The attitudes that I describe here are the ones that I cultivate in myself and I try to live by these rules. Being as critical as I am, it works better at some points than others. I do believe in what I say here, though, even if it is not always how I feel about things. Feelings can be irrational and uncontrollable at times, values are constant and much easier to control. The latter is what I focus on in this post. 
Disclaimer 2: I'm a rope bottom and I write from the position of being tied, but most of the things that I talk about here apply equally to both roles.

Some time ago Riccardo Wildties shared a very honest and important video on the right of tops to say ‘no’. I was very happy that someone has gotten to this topic and has done it so eloquently. I think that it is a very important reminder to all of us. We all should have the right to say ‘no’ when it comes to rope, with no strings attached and no hard feelings.

Listening to him was like a déjà vu from my time in the tango community. I don’t have a lot of experience with rejection in rope as I am not in the community for that long and I've been very fortunate to tie with amazing riggers right from the start and don’t often look for new partners. But I do have a lot of experience with rejection in tango because the specifics of this dance and the social norms surrounding it are basically built around the notion of rejection. I think that my experience from tango can be really well translated into rope reality and can be helpful to some people. It certainly has been for me as I think that it is one of the reasons why I can quite often avoid rejection altogether and I handle it pretty well if it happens. 

Before you ask

First, I want to share some thoughts that help me minimize the risk of having to deal with rejection in the first place. They are mostly strategies and mindsets that I’ve learned over the years that helped me avoid rejection and be successful in my advances, but at the same time also prepare the ground for when it eventually happens.

Try to get a feeling about the interest of the other person

I tend to be rather reluctant to ask people to tie me. I take quite a lot of time before I make up my mind whether I want to ask someone or not. Part of it is my rather sensitive and cautious nature. I want to avoid the pain of being rejected as much as possible so I only ask once I'm almost absolutely sure that they will say ‘yes’. This approach is very personal and I don't necessarily recommend it. However, another reason why I take my time is that I learned to be patient and to give myself as well as the other person time to figure out what we want.

In tango, there is a notion of a 'cabeceo', which is a non-verbal invitation to dance based upon a prolonged eye-contact followed by a nod from both parties indicating the willingness to dance. It's created in order to avoid painful verbal rejection. It has its advantages and disadvantages, but what it certainly taught me is the skill of observing others and getting a feeling for whether they might be interested in me or not. It has also taught me how to show interest from a distance without being too explicit about it. In tango the actual ‘cabeceo’ is the final step and having your nod unreturned can also hurt, so you only try it once you are rather certain that it will be returned. Therefore, you try to figure out as much as possible beforehand if the person might be truly interested in dancing with you or not. If you’ve learned that, you minimise the risk of your ‘cabeceo’ being rejected.

Be patient

In tango, the assessment of whether someone might be interested in dancing with you or not usually happens in the course of one evening or one weekend. In rope, however, it might stretch over months or even years. That is because there are much fewer opportunities to tie with someone in (a) rope event(s) than there are in a tango event, but also because a rope session is way more intimate than sharing a tanda for most of the people. 

Being in someone’s ropes or tying someone is an intimate thing. Therefore, before I decide whether I want to be tied by someone, I usually take my time. It can sometimes be difficult because, especially at rope festivals, you often have a feeling of urgency and that everyone is experiencing more than you do, so you have to catch up and get tied by more people. I resist this urge strongly because I know that it leads to, at best empty scenes, and at worst bad experiences.

Rope world is not that big and sooner or later you will meet that person again. Take your time to get to know them before you decide to tie with them. Talk to them, get to know what kind of person they are before you let them take control over you. It doesn’t only make for safer scenes, but also more rewarding and natural ones since by getting to know each other through a conversation, you can learn about each other's preferences in an organic way. In this way, you minimize the need for extensive negotiations, which (at least for me) often kill the mood and limit the scene. You have all the time to get tied by them, so don’t rush into anything. 

Trust your intuition

I can usually sense whether someone is interested in me or not and I believe that most people can as it seems like an evolutionarily very useful skill to have. Our intuition is often silenced by our mind, though, and we should learn to listen to it more.

When it comes to someone being attracted to you (which is necessary, in some way, if they should want to tie you, it doesn’t need to be sexual attraction, though), they will usually look at you a bit longer than necessary, they will look for opportunities to talk to you, they will smile at you when you look at them. All these things are small and not very noticeable, but our brains register them. I often have this unexplainable feeling about whether that person might want to tie me or not without them saying anything. And I usually trust it. Not to the point of asking right away, but when I sense interest and it is mutual, I start to focus my attention on gathering more data in a more directed way. I test whether my intuition was right and only when I am pretty certain, I ask. 

On the other hand, when I sense a lack of interest or when I am uncertain, I do not ask. I wait and try to get more contact with that person to see if my feelings were correct or whether it was just a matter of not knowing me enough. I also try to remember the signs that led to a successful encounter to learn how to better recognise an interest in the future and to be able to trust my intuition even more.

Don’t ask for the wrong reasons

At the beginning of my tango career, I used to get quite frustrated when I would feel that someone that I wanted to dance with would not notice me. I would come to an event and want to dance with all the best and most popular leaders but they would not look at me. It was making me angry and frustrated until I realised that them not noticing me means that they are not interested in me, and even if we would dance together, the dance would not be good because they would not be into it. So instead of trying to force a leader into dancing with me, I began working on making them interested in me in the long run. And not only making them interested in me but also making sure that I actually want to dance with them and I am not just blindly following the opinion of the rest of the tango crowd.

I think that in rope it is even more important. Sure, it is great to tie with the best and most famous riggers, but do you really want to get tied by them or do you want the experience of one of the people who got to be tied by them? Do you know them well enough to tell? Do you know what kind of people they are or are your reasons simply that they are good at what they do? 

Asking someone to tie you just because they are well known rarely leads to a good experience. From the rigger’s side, they can sense whether you are genuinely interested in them or simply want the experience. I can imagine that the latter often leads to a rejection straight away. It’s impolite and painful for the rigger to be used like that. And even if they don’t reject you, are you sure that you want to give control over your body and mind to someone just because you’ve seen that they can do really cool suspensions? Don’t you want to make sure that they actually are worth giving yourself to them before you allow them to bind you? 

Don’t go above your league

In the tango world, there is a breed of followers who would always hang around the table of ‘masteros’ for the entire duration of the festival, wearing their best dresses and hoping that they will get asked to dance by one of them. And they often succeed, especially when they are young and pretty. I’ve never had the ambition to dance with the teachers because I’ve never felt good enough in my dancing to be able to offer them an enjoyable experience. If they would ask me because I would make such effort as those girls, I would probably have felt like they are doing it out of pity and not because they truly value my dancing skills. And I didn’t want that. Of course, I would love to dance with my favourite maestro, but only if I would be sure that I have something to offer to them. That they truly want to dance with me and that I can offer them valuable experience. To me, the same holds for rope. 

In rope, the matter of bottoming technique is not so prominent as tango technique. You do not need to have amazing ‘bottoming skills’ to have a great scene with someone. But it is important to ask yourself if you are not wanting to be tied for the wrong reasons. Therefore, I always try to ask myself, do I really want to offer myself to that person? Looking at the way they tie, do I think that I can offer them an interesting experience? Am I willing to open myself enough to that person for us to live through something meaningful? I think that it is important to answer these questions to yourself honestly before you ask someone to tie you and I only ask if I feel like I do have something meaningful and authentic to offer to the rigger. 

Don’t rely on others for validation

One of the cases when being rejected is very painful is when you treat your interactions with other people as ways to validate yourself. It is a trap that many people fall into. They don’t value themselves enough internally, but they look for validation externally. They reason that if a certain person agrees to tie them/being tied by them it will be proof that they are of some value.

It is a short-lived strategy that leads to pain in the long term. It feeds on your insecurities instead of helping you to get over them, which does not only hinders you but also makes you less attractive. By having that attitude you become needy and self-centred, assessing people on the basis on how much increase in the feeling of self-worth they can bring you instead of what kind of interesting encounter you could have with them. This kind of attitude is objectifying and drives the confident and secure people away. They will not want your meeting in ropes to be a transaction of exchanging momentary increase of self-worth, which you make out of it when you treat them like that. They will want to meet the real you in ropes, which you will not be able to give them if you seek validation because you will be too occupied with trying to meet their expectations to allow yourself to show the real you. 

So instead of looking to other people to validate you, think about what things of value do you bring to each tie. Recognise and cherish what you have to offer. Learn yourself in ropes and stand by your true personality that ropes bring out. That will allow you to enter bondage scenes with confidence and feeling of worth and presence that is hard to beat in terms of attractiveness. It will also allow you to see rejections as a result of some kind of mismatch and not as an indication that you are not good enough. 

It feels very different when you are secure about what you have to offer and that offer gets rejected from when you are not sure about the value of your offering and other people reject it. The first, makes you feel like they must not see the value in what you see value in, which is perfectly fine since people are different and it is probably a proof that you would not be a good match in ropes anyways, so it is better this way. The second makes you doubt your worth and makes you want to change to align with what their wishes about you might be. It makes you question the attractiveness of your personality and makes you feel inadequate, which is not only painful but also brings you further away from being your honest and true self. 

Don’t let your expectations spoil your mood

Another thing that applies especially to bigger rope events is managing your expectations. Usually, they are the thing that makes you miserable and takes all the joy from the event even if you’ve had a lot of interesting encounters. Unmet expectations usually disappoint more than the met ones bring happiness. Too many expectations (or any expectations for that matter) are a route to disaster and a ruined mood because at least one of them will always not come true and it will spoil all the joy from the good things that you’ve experienced. 

For that reason, I try not to expect anything from rope events. I usually go there with hope for one memorable scene (that is not so difficult to achieve) or one good workshop or something like that. Then after that had happened, I tell myself, “So now it happened, it was worth coming here, all the rest is a bonus” and that is what I live until the end of the event, reminding myself of all the great moments of the event each time I feel like I am not getting enough out of it and repeating to myself that I already got more than what I came for. It really allows me to enjoy more and stress less. Also, it makes me appreciate what I experience instead of hopping from one scene to the other, ticking the boxes on my checklist of people to tie with in the meantime. 

If you reject

Rejecting people is not easy and there are good and bad ways to do it. During my tango years, I’ve had to reject quite a lot of people and below are the guidelines that I try to follow whenever I need to do that. 

Be concise and don’t lie

I try not to come up with excuses when I reject someone and simply tell them the truth that I am not interested in dancing/tying with them at the moment. At the same time, I don’t become too elaborate on my reasons. Simple “No, thank you” should be enough to indicate my lack of interest. I don’t need and don’t want to explain myself. Unless they really insist, then I tell them the (sometimes uncomfortable) truth, which is usually much worse than a simple ‘no’ and which I hope will teach them not to use this manipulative technique on others in the future (some people cornered with a ‘why?’ question will back off and change their mind in their unwillingness to tell the truth, and that is why many people ask ‘why?’ I find it very manipulative).

Be firm

I try my rejections to be firm. Another reason why a simple “No, thank you” usually works best. I don’t want to give the rejected any reason to think that I might be hesitant in my decision. I also don't want to give them false hopes. If I am certain about my rejection then I simply say 'no'. If it's just situational and I would be interested in tying with that person in the future, I'll say that. But only if it's really the case. Otherwise, I try to be straightforward and clear in not having an intention to get tied by them. I feel like I owe it to the rejected person to be clear and honest with them. I don’t want to mislead them in any way. That is what I appreciate when someone is rejecting me and I try to apply it when I am on the other side.

Respect your boundaries

One of the worst things that you could do to yourself and to your partner in ropes is engaging in a bondage scene that you are not enthusiastic about. Nobody wants to tie or get tied out of pity. If you let someone tie you only because you didn't know how to say 'no', you will probably both feel miserable afterwards.

Especially as a rope bottom, if you let someone bind you without really wanting it, you violate yourself. And you learn to be in ropes with a tint that is really hard to get rid off later. I can't imagine that you can enjoy getting tied by someone without trusting them and I can't imagine that trust being there if you actually don't want to be in their ropes. By forcing yourself to live an experience like that you make a disservice to both yourself and to the top. 

Unless they were only experience-seeking, they were expecting to get to tie you and experience your willing surrender to them when they’ve asked to tie you. If you allow them to do it out of pity or reluctance to say ‘no’, you don’t give them your honest presence in ropes. You don’t give them the experience that you’ve promised. They will feel your lack of trust through ropes and unless they are extremely insensitive, it will not lead to a good experience for them either. Sparing both of you by stating clearly your boundaries is a favour that you owe to yourself and to them, even if it might seem painful and frustrating for the one rejected. 

If you get rejected

Getting rejected is uncomfortable and it hurts. There is no way around it. There are certain realizations, though, that can make it easier to get through and maybe even learn from it. 

Don’t kick yourself while you’re down

Unless you know the person really well and are absolutely sure that it is ok to do, don’t ask why they’ve rejected you. If they would have a reason that would not be painful to share, they would have probably done it. If they didn’t then it most probably means that you don’t want to hear their reasons and it will be less painful to just accept the ‘no’ and move on. 

Of course, in many situations, especially when it comes to relationships, it helps to hear people’s reasons for their decisions. But I think that it holds only when those reasons are in some way rational. When they can offer you a logical, or at least understandable explanation. In the case of rope, those reasons are driven by the laws of attraction, which are rarely logical and are often not explainable at all. 

I think that it is a great practice for rope bottoms to ask your riggers the ‘why’ when they said ‘yes’ to tying you. Hearing how other people see you in ropes and what are their reasons for wanting to tie you is great for recognizing your value and learning about yourself (you might be surprised sometimes). It is not very constructive, though, to hear the reasons for the ‘no’ because rope is extremely personal and it is really hard to be honest in such situation with a stranger (or almost a stranger). I think that it is better to just accept the rejection and not force them to either make it more painful or come up with some false excuses.

Appreciate what you have

Another thing that is very helpful to remind yourself when you got rejected is all the amazing opportunities and experiences that you have or have had. Maybe this person doesn’t want to tie you but think about all the awesome people who do. Or maybe they don’t want to tie you at this moment, but you’ve had some great scenes together in the past. Cherish what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. 

In tango, I took it to a really high level and when someone would ignore my attempts to get to dance with them, I would think about the fact that not dancing at this moment gives me more energy to have great dances later on. I would appreciate the opportunity to rest a little bit or use that time to connect with friends instead of focusing on the fact that I am missing this amazing song and possibly amazing dance with my favourite leader. Because getting too much of a good thing can also take away its charm.

Maybe for me, it is easier to think this way because rejection and denial are my strong kinks. But it is not only because I find it hot to be denied something or rejected that I see value in it. It is also because experiencing it in kink, I learned the value of delayed gratification. I learned how much painful anticipation can increase the pleasure when you do finally get what you desired. I learned how much more valuable things become when you have to wait or work for them. And being rejected allows you to experience it if you only want to look at it this way.

Use rejection as a motivator

How you see the reality is your choice. Not everything that happens to you is pleasant and not everything will go according to your plan. There are many factors weighing into the outcomes that you get and most of them are not dependent on you that much. Especially, when other people are involved, the results become really complex and hard to predict. I like to remind myself that at times so that I don’t fall into the trap of believing that I can fully control my life and all that happens to me depends on my actions. At the same time, I also like to realise that although I can’t control the outcomes fully, I do have an impact on increasing my chances to get what I want. And even more so, my personal attitude towards the things that happen to me in life is entirely my responsibility. 

So when I get rejected by someone, instead of focusing on how insensitive and frustrating it is and how pitiful human being I must be if they don’t want to tie me (the latter I sometimes still indulge in, though, just for my pure masochistic pleasure), I think about the things that I could have done to increase my chances. Maybe I could have been more honest in expressing my intentions? Maybe I could have done something better to make them aware of what I have to offer? Maybe I could have picked a better time to ask? Maybe I could have waited a bit longer to make sure that the interest is mutual? Maybe there is some way to develop myself more in order to be seen by them and catch their interest at a later point in time? 

If not, then it is also ok. Sometimes people just don’t match in ropes and it is also fine. I always try to see if there are some learning opportunities in the rejection, though, as it helps me to get over it and not treat it like an absolute failure, but rather a point on my journey.

Don’t take it personally

As I mentioned already, tying your personal value to external factors (especially people-related) is a really bad idea. When I get rejected by someone, I try not to take it personally. I try to remember that there are a million reasons why it might have happened. Maybe they are tired? Maybe I haven’t been visible enough for them? Maybe they have a jealous partner? Maybe they feel too insecure to tie me? Maybe there is someone else that they really want to tie in this moment and they are not interested in anyone else? Many of these reasons are objective and not related to me personally. I like to remind that to myself when I get on a route of self-blame and feeling not good enough. 

And even if it is related to me personally, it doesn’t mean that there is anything that I could do about it. It doesn’t mean that I should change anything in myself. Maybe they see better than I do our lack of compatibility? Maybe I only think that the scene that we would have would be amazing, looking at them with their other partners, but they are aware that it wouldn’t work with someone else?

Again, I like to take what I can learn from this kind of situations, but I also don’t stress too much about what I could have done to change the outcome as I realize that it is way too complex to comprehend. I take what I can for the future, but I don’t overthink the past. Instead of being bitter and withdrawn, I try to open up more and be more welcoming. It is not easy, but it is the only way to make sure that people around me can see me. And the only person that I should be interested in being tied by is someone who sees and wants to tie me. 

I realize that this post is way way way too long. I am truly amazed if you got this far reading it. Maybe for some people, the things that I write about here are obvious. I do think, however, that they are much easier said than done. I really (try to) live by these rules, not only write about them and it really helps. It is not only empty words. The kind of attitudes that I describe is not easy, but they really paid off for me and I think that they are worth cultivating. 

I wish that handling rejection would become easier for more people. I think that it would help both sides in being honest and asserting their boundaries. I wish that it would become less uncomfortable for people to both hear and say ‘no’, that we would become more authentic in our choices without the fear of being judged for it. I really think that it would help our community and it would lead to (maybe less but) more positive rope experiences for everyone. And isn’t that what we all want? 

To me, rope is about exploring the limits of the mind

I am currently trying to define what drives me in rope bondage so that I can understand better where I stand in the realm of rope bottoming and (hopefully) make it easier for people who hear my thoughts on it to interpret them and find a place for them within their own definitions. 

By no means is what I write about here set in stone. I am ever-evolving and it might be that in half a year my thoughts on the topic will change completely. Also, it is not an exhaustive definition of who I am in ropes. I only touch upon some aspects of my modelling here. Some others I talk about in my other posts and there might be more to come on things that I've realised recently and haven’t shared yet. Also, it is not that I am living what I describe here at all times. Some things that I talk about are more prominent in my modelling than others, but still, I am sure that there are scenes in which nothing of what I write about in this post applies to me. 

I do think, however, that what I am touching upon are some of the driving forces that drew me towards, and keep me with, rope and kinbaku. What I describe is like a compass that steers my rope journey. I don’t always follow the route that it indicates, but in the end, I always come back to it. It is what inspires me and partly what makes me in rope me. I am writing about it as a way for me to make sense out of it, but also to possibly inspire other people to think differently about their bondage. I am not trying to convince anyone that this is the way to do it (even if I sound like it at times), so please refrain from asking me to put disclaimers that it is a personal account and not a prescription on rope bottoming in general.

Disclaimer: This is a personal account and not a prescription on rope bottoming in general.

These are some of my reasons for doing rope bondage and my personal approach to it. I hope that you will have some pleasure from reading it and take from it what you feel like.

I want to explore my mental limits, but not cross them

The intensity of the experience in ropes for me often comes from dancing on the verge of my limits. And the limits that I'm talking about here are psychological rather than physical. I think that the difference between mental and physical limits is that the first ones are way more fluid and situation dependent. Also, for me, the latter is often driven by the former. I can only push myself so far for the sake of a physical challenge, but when pleasing my Dominant comes into play, or simply suffering without any control over it, I turn out to be capable of way more than I thought I am. 

Pushing one’s mental limits is a very delicate matter. It is quite easy to realise that you’ve damaged yourself physically, but when it comes to psychological damage, things get murkier and much more complex. That is why for this kind of exploration you need to be able to feel very well what is happening within you and you need to be able to communicate it to your rigger so that they know what they are doing.

Going slow and constant communication is the key if you want your rigger to be aware of how much they can push you at all times. If you act tough for the bigger part of the scene and push away the psychological reactions that they are causing in you, there is a big risk that once you finally react, you will already be too far, because your reaction will be a result of passing your limits and things spilling out of you uncontrollably. And that is what you want to avoid. If you both go slow, however, and if you are both attuned to each other, you can get to really amazing places without using extreme tools for that. Sometimes less is more and the deeper you both are immersed in the scene, the less you need to do externally to make the other feel. It is more a matter of depth of immersion than the strength of the act itself.

I often observe riggers in workshops going very far very quick with their models. For example, in Soptik’s and mine recent workshop on Humiliation during the Prague Shibari Festival, there was a simple exercise of tying an upper chest harness that had a humiliating aspect to it. That was all that Soptik did on me (tied the chest harness), and because of his clear intention and small details in his behaviour, my reaction to the tie was quite strong. When the participants’ turn came, they went (as Wildties would say) byzantine. They started tying models faces, hanging things on them, exposing them and going into verbal humiliation. All because they wanted to get a reaction. However, the reactions of most of the models were not as strong as mine.

In my opinion, the reason for that was twofold. First, the models did not allow their feelings to flow through them freely. They were blocking the feelings of humiliation or were simply distracted, waiting for the rigger to do something that will put them in the right mindset. Secondly, the riggers were doing too much without the right intention. Sometimes, doing less and slowing down is a much better tool for making the model tuned in than overwhelming them with experiences. It is like with tenderising the meat (My partner, Asiana likes to use that comparison when she talks about semenawa), if you progress slowly, it’s like marinating the model. You don’t need much to make her ‘tender’ (read: get a reaction) if you prepared her well. If you haven’t prepared her beforehand, though, you need to strike really hard to get the same result, additionally substantially increasing the risk of causing damage in the process. 

As a model, I can’t do anything about the intentionality and intensity of what my rigger is giving me. I can, however, work on my own mindset to make it easier for them to work with me. Therefore, in a rope scene, I am usually trying to give the rigger all the information possible for them to be able to push me in the right way.

For that, I first focus on receiving the information from within myself, sensitizing myself to be able to read it and then I try to communicate what I am feeling to the rigger. Of course, I don’t only do these things to make the life of the rigger easier. For the bigger part, I do it because it allows me to reach the states that I am looking for. 

First and foremost, I want to feel

The most important reason for me to do rope is that it makes me feel. And the feelings that it can elicit are exactly the ones that I am looking for in BDSM: misery, helplessness, lack of control, surrender, submission, resignation, arousal, humiliation, objectification, fear. A skilled rigger can make me feel all these in a rope scene. And much more. 

I have an impression that because the progression in a rope scene is much slower than, for example, in an impact play scene, and there are many times when I am in a way left to myself, there is a lot of time for my mind to process what is happening to me and build its own story around it. I believe that that is the reason why I can get to as complex emotions with rope as I do with verbal play (which I really really love exactly for the level of emotional complexity one can achieve with it). In rope, instead of my partner enchanting me with their words, my head is doing it for them, manipulating my emotions and creating complex scenarios based on the actions of the rigger. So far, I haven’t found any other form of play that would allow for such emotional complexity as these two.

I want to feel as intensely as possible in my play. And the way to achieve the intensity for me is either by the level of the emotion itself (as in, intense fear or intense pleasure) or by its complexity. The latter often being more interesting for me. And because I am specifically looking for feelings and emotions, I try to make myself especially sensitive to anything that might elicit them. During a scene, I tune in into my bodily sensations and my feelings, all my attention focused on reading and interpreting what the rigger is doing to me and how it affects me. It happens not in the sense of actively analysing it in my head, but rather letting their actions affect my body and through that speak subconsciously to my mind and my heart. 

Finally, I don’t only want to feel strong emotions, I am not waiting for the fireworks. I want to experience everything there is to experience. I want to squeeze all the possible feelings that I might out of the scene. I don't only want to experience the end state, but the entire process that brings me there. I want to feel every little crack in my surface.

Also for that, I sensitize myself. Again, I tune in into my body so that I don’t miss any possible shift that might provide me with a new reason to feel, however small it is. I don't push away any emotion, I let them all in. The good and the bad, the strong and the weak, the overwhelming and the subtle. 

I let my feelings out

I tend to be very expressive and I think that there are a couple of reasons for it. One is that because I'm so focused on receiving and interpreting, all my attention and energy goes there and I have no energy left to hide what is happening inside of me. All of it is consciously directed somewhere else. Also, when you feel so much without pushing it away, it becomes in a way natural to also express it. If you open up so much to what you are feeling, it can be overwhelming at times and sometimes the only way to stay sane within this experience is to let it out. Otherwise, you'll end up like a pot that's about to boil over. It's better to lift the lead up early on and let the steam out gradually, as it comes. 

During the Prague Shibari Festival, I listened to a great lecture of Bergborg about Akechi Denki in which he mentioned an article that Akechi' s model, Katsuragi Ayano, wrote after performing with the Master in the Netherlands. In the article, you can read how surprised she was about the European virtue of stoicism in models. She commented on the model in a show preceding theirs taking a heavy whipping without any reaction, and how the audience seemed to appreciate it, while after their performance where she was screaming and crying, the organiser had to calm down the public and remind them that what they’ve seen was consensual. I think that things haven't changed that much since then. Stoicism and even a certain kind of serenity in ropes are still very appreciated in Europe. We value people who can take difficulties calmly and with composure. We value quiet models who endure silently.

Unfortunately, I am not like that. I let out everything that I feel inside of me. I tend to be very expressive. When something hurts me, I scream, when I'm aroused, I moan and when I'm desperate, I wail. And for that, I have been criticised in different communities. That I am too loud, too dramatic or that I invade other people's spaces at rope jams with my expression. 

I understand the critique. I definitely stand out often and my reactions are frequently not compatible with what other people around me are looking for in ropes. The thing is, though, that what I do is simply not overwriting my natural reactions with politically correct ones. Being in ropes (especially in a suspension) is an extreme experience. You put your body in a state of heavy distress, sometimes even terror. I don't want to shut down my feelings to appear more graceful or more strong. I am not going to diminish my natural reactions in order for my rigger and the audience to be comfortable with pushing me further. I want to feel what I feel and I want the rigger to be able to witness what they are doing to me. I don't look for pride in swallowing my reactions and in appearing tough. In fact, I don’t look for pride in bondage at all. My goal is to be moved, to feel as deeply as possible, the expression of it being just a side effect.

Finally, I want my rigger to be able to understand what they are doing to me. We are playing a delicate and risky game and I don’t want to mislead them in anything. Even though it seems like they are the culprit and I am the victim, to me it is more as if we are partners in crime. We both want to bring me to my limits and we both want me to experience intense emotions. In order to do it in a conscious and informed way, I want to cooperate with them. 

I think that if one looks at modelling qualities, the context is extremely important. While there might be some general objectively desired skills that every rigger should have (being able to tie with the right even tension, having muscle memory of certain ties or at least some passages of a tie etc.), I recently grow more and more convinced that for models it’s not the case (with the exception maybe of being able to monitor the most basic safety indicators). However, it doesn’t mean that the models have no input in rope bondage. Quite the contrary. 

In my opinion, I have an enormous impact on the scene as a model (and if some riggers would like to challenge me in this statement, please bring it on). Depending on what I want to get out of the tie, I can facilitate myself in it or make it more difficult for myself and for the rigger. That is not to say that I direct my rope scenes in any way (I think that the people who have seen me being tied would agree that trying to direct my rigger in any way is the last thing that I do), rather I try to remove all the obstacles from my side that might hinder the rigger in bringing me to where I want to be (and where they want me to be). 

And because for me the mental challenge and the emotional aspects of rope bondage are very important, I do everything in order to make it easier for the rigger to give them to me. I do my part and I hope that they will do their part as well. What I do doesn’t necessarily make sense in absolute terms, but it certainly does in the context of what I am looking for. 

Because if you want to feel, you should let yourself feel. If you want to share your emotions with someone else, you need to let them in and allow them to witness you. And finally, if you want to explore your limits, doing so gradually and with awareness is the way to go if you don't want to get hurt (too much) in the process.

I can’t do casual, is that ok?

I am writing this because it’s a topic that I am struggling with for a while and I really feel like I need to hear some honest opinions about it. For those who don’t like long writings and are not interested in my personal struggles, you can skip to the questions at the end and a summary of the comments that I have received.

My struggles

Being in a kink community for a short, but intense while, I grew to realise that I am not really able to play casually. Or to do anything casually for that matter. I love the intensity and I hate mediocrity. In myself that is. I don't care what other people are doing. It's their life and their interactions. I think that everyone should do what makes them feel good. But I simply can't do things in a casual manner.

And right now I'm in a phase of deciding whether I think it's fair to expose others to my play. At least when it happens at more casual environments. Like rope jams. Because the moment that rope touches my body, I am lost. Especially when the scene is flowy, the rigger skilled and we have the right ‘click’. Then I become shameless in expressing my emotions. And there are lots of them usually. No matter the setting, I just can’t help myself. Everything else disappears and I stop having boundaries of what is ok and what is not. At that moment only the connection between us matters.

It's actually not only about rope. I have the same thing with tango for example. I don't really dance casually. The only time when it happens is when I make an unfortunate mistake when choosing a partner or when I am fulfilling a social obligation. And it always leaves me kind of disappointed. I just don't see a point of doing something without intensity, when there clearly is a space for it. It doesn't mean that I always put my entire self into what I'm doing. I do it only when my partner goes with it. When I feel that intensity is what he/she wants as well. If it’s not what they want though, then the chance of us playing again is low.

Coming back to the main topic. I can't do casual. Everything that I do needs some level of emotional intensity to keep me interested. Something that I can hold on to and build a story around. Something that will make me feel. And I need seriousness. I don't really like when things are funny and relaxed and playful. I need drama. And that's what I create when I interact with people. I realise that not everyone wants to be an audience to my spectacle. When we are together in one space though, they often don't have a choice. Any event that I take part in, you will see (but mostly hear) me moaning, gasping, squealing and screaming (if it comes to it). You will have to witness my joys and my struggles. And I realise that for a rope practice event, it might not be what people sign up for. I realise that for some it might be too much.

So I've been thinking… Should I stop going to casual social events and only stick to play parties? Is the way I do rope appropriate for a rope jam? I tend to be shamed quite a lot for how I react when in ropes. Usually, it's jokingly, but when you hear the same joke over and over again, you start thinking that maybe there is something else that people try to communicate to you, but are not comfortable saying it openly. For me tying is about sensuality and play. About the flow and emotions. You can incorporate it in basically every session and for me, it should actually be something that people practice. One thing is to learn to execute a tie correctly, another is to execute it while staying connected to your model and keeping the flow of the scene. But it's not what everyone is looking for in rope. Some people seek beautiful shapes or relaxation. Some people seek fun. Or something else that I have no idea of.

I would like to believe that it is possible that we can all co-exist in one space. Everyone doing their own thing that makes them happy. But maybe it is not the case? Maybe some ways of tying are just not compatible and should not be practised together? Maybe some people don’t want to be exposed to someone else’s suffering or arousal? And some people don’t want to be taken out of their rope space by a couple next to them explaining things to each other and laughing?

I enjoy going to rope jams, because I love to meet other people who are into rope and to share experiences. I enjoy having fun with my friends and I enjoy showing other people what I am going through in ropes. But maybe rope jams are not the right place for it? Maybe I should just stay away from those low key events and stick to play parties?

Questions that I need to ask

I truly am curious about honest opinions. And not only for myself but for other people who might be struggling with the same doubts.

• What is and what is not ok at a rope jam in your opinion?

• Is play an intrinsic part of every rope session for you?

• Can you and do you enjoy rope without a play element?

• Are you bothered by other people having a play session next to you (within reason) when you are having a casual practice time?

• Do you think there should be more or less play at rope jams in general?

• Why do you do rope?

I would love to and I hope to hear on these topics either in comments or in a PM. I would also love to hear on anything related to this writing that did not end in the questions list. And I hope to hear all kinds of feedback, not only reassuring stuff. I will try to summarize the comments and add it at the end of this writing so that other people can get access to it easily as well.

Update: Answers and comments

I’ve got a lot of feedback in comments, private messages and conversations, which is really great and I am very grateful for it. I tried to gather all the thoughts together in a summary and here it is:

• You are in a public space at a rope jam, so try to evaluate as good as possible the kind of people that you are sharing the space with and adjust the intensity of your play accordingly. Of course, keeping the rules of the place as a baseline.

• When there are more people who are new to rope at a rope jam, you might want to decrease the intensity of your play a bit. At the same time, some say that you should not do that too much, as then you attract people, who in the long run might not be the right match with the community. Not all newbies are scared by the intensity. Some are attracted to it.

• Mistakes happen inevitably when you interact with others. Especially when doing rope, which is very personal and can be intense, but at the same time, you share it with a lot of people in one space. As long as you try to minimize invading other people space and communicate, you are good.

• Tying in a space with other people around is not the same as tying at home. Sooner or later you will be bothered by others. Try to stay cool with it and minimize your disturbance and if you really find it too much, give feedback.

• Most of the people think that some play during tying is ok, some think that it is inevitable. As long as it rope-centered and not interrupting other people’s session.

• People approach rope differently, some enjoy the technical aspect more, some enjoy the play more, some both, depending on the circumstances. People also approach rope jams differently, some prefer to reserve play for private space and focus on practice and learning during rope jams and some want to practice their ties while being playful at the same time. In either case, they don’t mind others doing things that are more intense, as long as everyone is mindful of others.

• There is no one way of doing rope and seeing different people approaching it differently is inspiring and fun and desirable.

• Some people see the practice as being technical and rope-focused. Others want to practice connection and leaning in the experience. Tying your partner, while staying connected is an important skill that takes a lot of practice. That is one of the reasons why some always ‘play’ when doing rope. It requires a certain level of skill.

• As long as you communicate well to your partner what your reactions to rope are, it is more the responsibility of the top than the bottom how intense the session becomes. You should communicate beforehand if you are uncomfortable with something (like disturbing other people) but during the session, you have little control over your behaviour if the rigger knows how to trigger you. Keep that in mind during the negotiations, but don’t feel like it is your responsibility during the session.

• In general, the balance between play and no play at rope jams is usually good.

Most importantly, rope is amazing for a trillion different reasons. Keep enjoying it in your own unique way.