Thoughts upon recovering from a rope injury

I've been tied a lot lately and I think that I can finally say that I'm back to my full physical fitness from before the injury. It feels great to be able to be in ropes again without constant vigilance over what's happening in my body. To be able to let go like I used to do. 

However, being tied now is not the same. I'm not the same. This experience has definitely changed me. Fortunately, not in a way that I was afraid it will. I didn't become more cautious or more focused on my bodily signals. If anything, I might actually be less now. I think that I became more accepting of the fact that I might get an injury. It happened once and it might happen again. I'm not saying that I became more careless, but maybe less obsessive about it. 

Because when I got injured, I didn't receive any prior signals. It might have been that I was not paying attention, but I don't think that was it. I'm generally pretty aware of what's happening in my body and I'm able to communicate if something doesn't feel right. The scene was tough and I was suffering a lot. The position was not something that I am used to. But it wasn't more extreme than other things that I've experienced so far. It didn't make me feel like my body was violated in a bad way. And yet it did lead to an injury. 

Coming back to rope after recovery, I had two choices, limit what I do tremendously to make sure that I won't get injured again (which, in fact, you can never be sure about) or come back to the way that I used to do rope and accept that at some point I might get injured again. I went for the second option, which was my mindset also before the injury, but which has now become more mature because the risk is not so theoretical anymore. 

Rope bondage (especially if you do semi-suspensions and suspensions) is an edge play. And the nature of playing on the edge is such that you do get hurt from time to time. That's what makes the play exciting. But if you want the reward, you also need to be willing to accept the risk. Especially for me, since I really love my limits to be pushed, I really love to suffer, I feel like it's inevitable that from time to time something will go wrong. Trying to convince myself that I can prevent an injury from happening again while preserving the intensity of the experiences that I get from rope would be lying to myself. And doing that is limiting in my opinion. 

Realising and accepting the possible consequences and making a conscious decision to go forward regardless is freeing. The elephant disappears from the room. It also makes you realise how big value the thing that puts you in danger has to you that you continue to do it despite being conscious of the threat. I know that I would rather get injured again than stop having the amazing experiences that rope is giving me.

Of course, there are ways to minimise the risks. I tie with people who I trust and who, I believe, know their own limits. I work on maintaining my body awareness while being immersed in the tie. I analyse my bodily and emotional reactions after each tie and try to communicate to my rigger anything that I feel might be useful for them during (but preferably after) the session.

But… If I want myself and my riggers to develop, if we want to get out of our comfort zones, we need to move to an unknown territory. And since it is an unknown, you don't know what to expect there and you can't really prepare for it. You can listen as much as you want to other people who have been there but their experience can't really prepare you for your experience. Their body is not your body. Their mind is not your mind. Relying too much on their input might make you pay attention to the signs that were left there for them and miss the ones that are waiting for you.

However, if you stay cautious, self-aware, open and willing to learn, that exploration might lead you to amazing insights. Sometimes your lessons might be painful, sometimes you will need to lose something in order to gain something else. I think that now I am more aware and accepting of that. And looking forward to exploring the uncharted territory of rope bondage further. Because the real adventure has only just started.

My kinky play rule book

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my approach to kinky play and risks related to it. And out of all that thinking I decided that it will be good to put my thoughts on paper, both to make them more concrete, but also out of laziness. Now I can just make people read it before we go into any discussions about kink, play, consent etc.

I take the responsibility

Sex is a risky business. Kinky play especially. When I engage in it with another person (or people) I assume that we are all aware of the risks that we are taking and that we are equally responsible for managing them. That means that I am responsible for making sure that my partner is not getting hurt but also for taking care of myself and I expect the same of my partner. I want my tops to feel safe to hurt me. Even though it is the dominant who decides how the scene evolves, I definitely don’t feel like I have no influence over it. First of all, it is my choice how I respond to his/her actions. Through non-verbal (preferred way for me during play) communication I can channel the effects that their actions have on me. Plus I always have the right to stop them. I find it empowering and psychologically healthy to think this way. As this and many other research works suggest, feeling in control over what is happening in one’s life (including sexual life) is a key to one’s mental health. It might not sound very 'subby'. But for me taking the responsibility does not mean that I stay in control of the situation. Sometimes I do want to feel like I have lost all control and all the power is in hands of the dominant. I realize, though, that the result of this dynamic might be that we go too far and I get hurt and I am ready to deal with the consequences.

I take equal share in risk and reward

There is this theory in the economy saying that there is ‘no free lunch’, meaning that there is no return without a risk. And the higher the return, the higher the risk. Implicitly then, if we make the tops run more risk (in terms of the responsibility for hurting the other person), we also imply that they are more rewarded than the bottoms are. This creates a power imbalance that I don’t find fair. I don’t feel like a top gains more from hurting or using me than I get from being hurt and used by him. We want opposite but complimentary things that give us both pleasure. Even though I am offering myself to the other person, it is not a sacrifice. It is fulfilling my own deep need to serve and please. Recognizing and acknowledging it brings balance to the equation. We both get our kinky needs fulfilled by playing a risky game of hurting/getting hurt. And since it is risky, it might sometimes turn out not the way we wanted. I appreciate the risk that the top is taking by making me suffer. The same way as they appreciate the risk that I am taking by going through the suffering.

I play with people who listen

I chose carefully the people who I play with. That does not necessarily mean that I get to know them very well before I engage into something sensual with them. In the end I like the thrill of getting to know a person spontaneously through play. But I do try to assess if I trust that they are going to listen when I communicate that something needs to stop. Are they empathetic and open? Or self-centered and biased? The latter is a no-go, no matter how popular or skilled they are. I trust my intuition about people. And if I have doubts, I wait to get to know them better before going further. I am especially careful when I play with people who are in a way famous. In a small and relatively closed community like kink (and especially rope) community, the popular people are quite accessible for play. Because of the sort of power that they seem to have, it might be harder to say 'no' to them. I try to be aware of that and pay close attention to my intentions. Am I really interested in them as people or just in their skills? For experienced people it might be easier to put you in a certain 'high' state when it is hard to make rational decisions. So basically I run more risk of being manipulated for a higher reward of going through amazing emotions. I am ready to take it but try to be aware of the risks involved and also my own motivations. I do realize that I might miscalculate sometime how well intended someone is, especially with someone that I don’t know that well. It is the risk that I am ready to take in return for the excitement of intense play with a new person. If I do it though, I try to limit myself to the people who belong to one of my circles.

I treat bad experiences as learning points, not breaking points

For a while already I had a view on female sexuality that this article helped me put into words. It might sound harsh, but I think that women tend to be oversensitive about their sexual experiences. We are taught that we should be careful and guard our sexuality from predators lurking everywhere. We should spare ourselves and only get intimate with men who really ‘deserve’ it. I think that it is bullshit. I don’t think my sexuality is in any way more sacred and special than male sexuality. I love sex and I love exploring all its different facets. It takes a lot of trial and error, though, to find out what really gets you. Especially in kink. And that inevitably involves a lot of awkward and uncomfortable moments. Accidents happen when you get intimate with other people. In the heat of the moment someone might kiss you unexpectedly or touch you in a place where you didn’t want to be touched. As long as you communicate clearly that you want them to stop and they do that, I think that it is ok. I try to not get too upset when something goes wrong. Sure, I might have gotten uncomfortable, but it is ok to get uncomfortable from time to time. I try to analyse it and see where it went wrong. Was there something that I might have done better? Was I aware of and communicating my emotions? And do I want to try it again? Sometimes things don’t work because it wasn’t the right person/situation/mindset. And sometimes they are just not for me. It is good to distinguish between those.

I guess that some people would call my approach to kink RACK or PRICK. I do not really care that much about labels. I know that so far it worked for me and made me feel safe and in control.