With him I go so quiet that I almost disappear

Have you ever met someone that you've been so submissive towards that when you are around them, your entire personality basically disappears? They ask you about your opinion and all you can think about is what opinion would they like you to have? They ask you what you want and your mind goes blank because you don't want anything, except for giving the right answer to their questions.

I did.

And it's both amazing and terrifying.

Even when he tries to have a normal conversation with me, I just can't get myself to express my thoughts with him. Because when he is around, there is basically no me to express.

Normally speaking I tend to be quite opinionated. And I can usually express myself verbally very well. But not with him. When he's around, I'm paralyzed. I'm constantly afraid that I might say something stupid or simply something that he might not agree with. So I just try not to say anything, unless explicitly asked to. And even then it comes with difficulties.

My favourite moments are when he's using me because then I know exactly what he wants and I don't need to worry if I did something against his wishes. I can relax in being his toy, used exactly as he likes.

I actually quite enjoy this suppression of my personality. It's freeing. I don't need to be anything anymore. I don't need to worry about what other people might think of me. Only his opinion matters and as long as he is happy, I'm in bliss.

When I'm in that space, I go quiet. My mind is free of my usual worries. The only things that I worry about are related to him and there are usually not that many, as most of the time he is quite happy with me.

I also go quiet socially as I don't really have much to say. I only exist in relation to him. So when other people try to interact with me exclusively, it's a bit like if they were trying to interact with a toy that he took batteries out of. You can still squeeze some fun out of it, but it is a rather limp version of what it is when the batteries are in.

Maybe I am exaggerating, but I really feel that this is who I am around him.

And it sometimes makes me worried.

Usually, people tell me that one of the main reasons why it's gratifying to have me submit to them is that they are aware of how much I'm giving up. They saw me in normal situations when I'm my usual, opinionated, cheerful, maybe sometimes even a bit bitchy, self. And they find it special when I give it all up for them.

With him, it's not the case though. He has never seen me different. He has never seen my ‘normal’ self.

And I just can't stop worrying that he will get bored of me very soon. Seeing only my submissive side. Quiet and docile.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Probably.

But I really can't see what can be interesting about someone who is so invisible. So reactive. Who has no opinion of her own? Nothing smart to say. Who can't do anything properly, because her hands are shaking all the time? Someone without the personality of her own.

I do realize that it's not fair to think this way. On good days I understand that it might be seen as admirable to be so devoted to someone. To forget one's ego to such a degree. To be so vulnerable and open. It can have a value of its own, not only in relation to my other side. More than that, it might even be the most valuable side of me.

But I won't really feel it until I start to appreciate myself for it. Give it a place in my identity. There is no amount of praise from other people that can convince me that this part of me is worthy, without me wanting to hear that it is. Even if it comes from the most important people.

Deep inside I think that it actually might be seen as quite beautiful.

But it's really scary to start to identify with it. It seems so squishy and vulnerable. It feels safer to despise it. To not treat it as me.

Only if I keep doing that, I will also keep rejecting the connections that I've made when I let it out. And that is something that I can't do.

Because being quiet, I've experienced some of the most beautiful encounters. It would be a shame to deny them their validity by not admitting that that's also me.