Being a submissive is not cool

Disclaimer: I am writing this as an attempt to put words to my feelings and shed some light on them. By no means am I treating anything that I wrote here as a fact, nor am I saying that this is how I view the submission in general. I am simply trying to get over something and I hope that letting some of the thoughts out will help.

The more I play and the deeper my submission to my owner becomes, the more I realize that I don't accept it in myself. I'm not at peace with being a submissive. I don't find it cool. No matter how much I hear that it's beautiful. No matter how much people preach that it's a strength to be able to open up and make yourself so vulnerable, that it's a strength to be true to yourself, to recognize your needs and to follow them. I don't find it strength if what I want is to be weak. And that is what submission feels like to me. Being weak. So I show strength by admitting that I am not strong? It seems contradictory and I can't wrap my head around it.

The funny thing is that when I see other submissives interact with their dominants, I find them strong and beautiful. I don't see a sign of weakness. Well, sometimes I do, it depends on the type of dynamic they have. But more often than not, I don't. The more control they give over to the dominant, the more hardship they go through for them, the more in awe I am with them. But not when it's about me. In that case, I see it as pathetic, weak and something to be ashamed of.

I am not sure where it's coming from. I think that it might be because of the values of independence that were cultivated in my family. I feel like showing someone that I need them is a weakness. Wanting to please someone is a weakness. Even more, loving and caring about someone is a weakness. And for me being weak is the feeling that I am the most afraid of. The feeling that I can't cope with something on my own, that I might need someone to help me is something that I find despicable. What I might be even more afraid of, is being seen as weak by other people.

Paradoxically, caring too much about what other people think is what takes the strength away from me. As well as not accepting and being proud of who I am. But that's the thing, I'm not confident enough to be able to do it. And I blame my lack of confidence partly on being submissive. I do think that I am getting this one wrong though.

In my head, there is a link between not needing anyone, confidence, being able to manipulate others and strength, and between wanting to please, shyness, honesty and weakness. Basically, if you need other people, if you let them influence you if you let them make decisions about your life, then you're weak. If you are completely independent, cold, always have a strong opinion and other people listen to you then you're strong. Weak is bad, strong is good.

It so happens that being a submissive entails being a lot of things that I find negative and undesirable. And it so happens that sexually I am a submissive. I tried to assert the dominant role, and it's paralyzing to me. Submission on the other hand comes so naturally as if I was born with it. At the same time, I envy the dominants for who they are. I feel like they have all the desirable traits and I have none. I feel like they are the success and I am a failure.

And the thing is… That they are. Because how is letting someone else decide for you cool? How is sucking up to someone making you interesting? How is following others something to be proud of? No matter how much I try, I can't convince myself that those behaviours have a value. I can't make myself believe that both sides of a D/s dynamic are equally valuable. There are people who lead and people who are led. And it's the people who lead, the ones who are admired and valued. The position of a submissive is always under. It is always the one who is less important, less respected (if at all), who has less (if any) power. It is exactly what I enjoy to be, but at the same time, I hate myself for enjoying it.

Am I a bad feminist? - A sub’s question

I’ve read an article entitled ‘The female price of male pleasure’ today and it stirred up a lot in me... Sadness, shame, guilt, disappointment, anger. A lot of old triggers came up. But also a lot of fresh thoughts were buzzing in my head. The tension was calling for a release. And what is a better valve for an angry and disappointed feminist then listening to Beyonce’s Lemonade and crying? Writing your thoughts down. So I did. It helped me to get over some things. And I feel like sharing it with others might make it even more powerful.

Let’s stop victimizing women

My first reaction to reading the article was a slight annoyance. At first sight it seemed like another statement on female distress in the likes of #metoo campaign which I think did a lot of good but also went a bit off course. It is highlighting the problems that exists in our society, but also victimizing the women, leaving the power still in men’s hands. Coming back to the article, it read a bit along the lines of ‘those poor women need to endure unpleasant sexual intercourse in order to please the stronger sex’. But hey!? I do have a lot of pleasure from sex and I don’t feel like it is only because I give pleasure to my partners (definitely my vaginal orgasms are a very direct and bodily source of pleasure).

So why is nobody talking about female enjoyment, but treating sex like men’s business that women have to endure?

That was a burning question for me. But then, I’ve realized that I am in a privileged position. A lot of women really do not enjoy sex, mostly because they have never had the opportunity to learn to enjoy it. They were conditioned not to think about their needs but about pleasing the others. That realization made me feel guilty and sad. While I am opening up to my kinks and the beauty of a fulfilling sexual life, some women don’t even realize that sex can be pleasurable at all. Let alone getting on a path of finding out what their kinks are.

How can we create an environment when women stop being the victims and start enjoying themselves?

We want a situation, where women are empowered to think for themselves and not allow others to use or abuse them. How do we make women feel that it is ok to say ‘no’? And how do we teach them that saying ‘yes’ is not the only way to get where they want? I believe that women will feel more empowered to speak up when they feel like there will be people who will listen and stand behind them. Even more than that. They should feel that the society as a whole will stand behind them. And for that using sex as a tool of power needs to stop. Sex should be a way to connect to the other person and give pleasure to both participants and not a contract or an exchange of goods.

Wait… Isn’t the kind of sex that I enjoy embodying the power dynamics that we are trying to put an end to?

So yeah… Apparently what I enjoy the most in sex draws on gender stereotypes that are the most deeply rooted within us. Am I enhancing them? How can I be a feminist and at the same time enjoy being humiliated and used by the opposite sex? This is exactly the type of dynamics that the feminists are trying to fight. We are trying to level up the field. Give more power to the women! And what am I doing in this regard? If I was a switch at least… I could kind of feel like I am giving evidence to the equality of the sexes. But I am submissive to the core. Especially when it comes to men. I might even enjoy seeing some cute little girl in distress… But men? Overpowering them really doesn’t turn me on. At the same time, I feel that since I started to explore my submissive nature I have finally became my true self. Am I just fulfilling the role that society conditioned in my brain and that is what makes it feel so good?

Where does my submissive nature come from?

There was a thought in the article that really triggered me:

"At every turn, women are taught that how someone reacts to them does more to establish their goodness and worth than anything they themselves might feel. (…) One side effect of teaching one gender to outsource its pleasure to a third party (and endure a lot of discomfort in the process) is that they're going to be poor analysts of their own discomfort, which they have been persistently taught to ignore."

I felt to the core the truth that was for me in that sentence. I am fighting every day to stop caring so much about what other people might think about me and want from me and start doing what I want. It is one of the biggest obstacles that I have in a pursuit of a fulfilling life. And I do feel that women struggle with this more than men. At the same time, as a submissive, pleasing the others is exactly what I get my pleasure from. I ignore my own discomfort and humiliation in order to make the other happy. So, my submissiveness is basically a betrayal to my daily struggle. I tried to convince myself that the goal of the feminist movement should be to give women the freedom to choose the way they want to live. I should be free to make my own choices on how I want to live and have sex.

But still, why is my pleasure coming from acting out the most stereotypical gender and power configuration?

Is it coming from a cultural brainwash? Am I weak? Why am I not turned on by having power over people, but instead by being overpowered by them? I am not sure if I will ever find answers to these questions.

And does it really matter?

Even if my sexual preference comes from the social conditioning, so what? I can’t change the way that I am wired and why should I? Is pleasing other people really that bad? The fact that you take pleasure in pleasing the others does not make your enjoyment less valid. My feelings are real even if they are conditioned by the way I was raised. In the end, everybody is wired in a certain way due to his genetics and past experiences. Why should I feel bad about myself for being a submissive woman and a man with the same kink should not? Or should he also feel bad because it is considered as a weakness by the 'male' standards? I guess that the way to get free from all that and take control over your life is to accept and embrace who you are. Know yourself, know what gives you joy. Use that to bring happiness to those around you, who can appreciate it. And stop f***ing care what others think.