The safewords I use and love

I must admit, I used to not be very good with using safewords. I would always establish them before play, but never actually use them.

My first kinky boyfriend was a bit worried about it. We used ‘apple’ as a safeword. Well, ‘used’ is a big word. We picked it to be our safeword, but I never actually got around using it. At some point, he just told me that he is going to continue torturing me until I say it because he wants to make sure that I am actually capable of doing it. It worked. For the first time, I used it. Part of the reason being the fact that I knew that he wants me to say it, so I felt compelled to do so in that situation. I am not sure what it proved though, it's overall usefulness or just my willingness to please.

I then moved to use ‘red, orange, green’ with my subsequent dominants and play partners. Still without much success. Especially when doing mind play (being tortured psychologically and/or emotionally), it was really hard for me to get myself to use those words. Somehow my mind space was not allowing me to get to say them. We’ve never gone too far, but I am pretty sure that if we would, I would most probably not call ‘red’.

One of the reasons why I almost never safeword is that when I really want to please my dominant, I can go really far. If I am really submissive towards someone, my trust in them goes very deeply. I trust that they know better than I do, what I can take. If they trust that I can take it, then I make myself believe that I can as well. And so far I could. But I am sure that there will be a point when I will need to protect us from going too far. And for that, I need to make sure that I will have the means to do so.

Another reason why I started to feel more need to find some safewords that actually work for me, is that I started to have more extreme scenes with people that I am not feeling particularly submissive towards. I sometimes play with sadistic friends, who can fuck me up pretty badly, both physically and mentally, but with whom my tolerance for how far I can go is much lower. Therefore, with them, a way to communicate my limits during the scene is even more vital. And calling ‘red, orange, green’ does not feel like a viable option.

It looks like I’ve finally found my alternatives.

Mercy

The moment I’ve read about someone using this word instead of ‘orange’ to indicate that the top needs to slow down but not end the scene, I fell in love with it.

The reason why ‘apple’ or ‘red, orange, green’ didn’t work for me, was that they felt very intrusive for the scene. I am a sucker for the atmosphere. I value the psychological effects of play above anything else. I want it to feel as real and as convincing as possible. And I feel that when I say ‘orange’ in the middle of the scene, it breaks the atmosphere. And even though it is not an indication that I want the scene to be over, it is kind of what it does to it. Because to get myself to spell out one of these random words, I need to get out of the headspace. They simply don’t belong in the vocabulary of a scene. So in order to get myself to say them, my mind needs to get out of play mode. I hate it and that is why I would rather suffer in silence, maybe a bit more than I am able to at the moment, then break the atmosphere altogether. I know, not the wisest thing to do, but I've told you, I am a sucker for the atmosphere and I will push myself to the limit sometimes in order to preserve it.

‘Mercy’ on the other hand is perfect. It fits perfectly within the realms of the scene and it is exactly what you want at the moment when you would say ‘orange’. You want mercy. You want the top(s) to give you a bit of a break. At the same time, 'mercy' is not one of the most usual things to say when someone is hurting you physically or mentally. In such circumstances, the first words that come to my mind are ‘no’, ‘please’ and ‘stop’, which I use very often during the scene and I love them to be ignored. I wouldn't want to make them one of my safewords, because I use them way too naturally and without thinking. 'Mercy' on the other hand is not something that I would say instinctively. And that is exactly why I love it so much. It lets me beg using my usual repertoire when I want to beg and not be listened to, and it gives me the power to ask for being listened to, when I feel like I need to, without breaking the flow of the scene.

I can’t take it anymore

This one I've discovered lately just because I used it a couple of times to end a scene without even being conscious of it. I negotiated with my partners that I will use ‘red’ to end the scene if I need to. But I also indicated that I might communicate a willingness to end in a different way and that it is usually clear when that happens because my in-scene communication skills are pretty good and it is easy to read me when I want things to end. I didn’t give them the proper ‘spell’ though, more of a ‘you will know it, when you see it’, which obviously is not ideal when you are a top.

They trusted me with it and it worked well. They could read my willingness to end without me having to 'red' the scene. And then after a couple of scenes, I realized that what I’ve been saying when I really wanted things to end was always the same sentence, 'I can't take it anymore'. And it works for a couple of reasons.

It communicates what it is supposed to communicate in plain English. It is a full concise sentence, so I wouldn’t just mutter it as a way of relief, like ‘please’ or ‘no’. I need to make a conscious effort in order to say it. Finally, it is exactly what is in my mind, when I feel like the scene needs to end.

At the same time, it keeps the atmosphere until the very end. It fits within the scene and it ends it is a non-invasive way. I use it as an indication that the top(s) need to end soon. I don’t want them to stop abruptly though. I indicate that we need to get towards the end, but they have space to wind everything down. And I feel like communicating it using this sentence lets us do so because it keeps the flow going.

Really

This is my latest revelation. My, as one of my friends and play partners called it, out-of-the-scene modifier. It basically means that any word that I add it to, should be taken out of the scene and treated like I mean it.

For example, if I say ‘stop’, I just beg as a way to relieve the tension, but I don’t expect to be listened to. But when I say ‘stop, really’, it means that I seriously want this person to stop and I probably didn’t have enough brainpower to come up with anything more coherent. If I say ‘I really can’t take it anymore’, that means that we need to stop the scene right now. That I don’t want us to wind down anything slowly. I really want to stop.

It can be very useful because sometimes I don't have the capacity to use the safewords that we agreed to. When in the headspace, my brain sometimes doesn't function as planned. At some point 'no', 'please' and 'stop' might actually be what I really want the person to do. If they get ignored, adding a 'really' to them is a very natural thing for me to do. It lets me communicate that this time I mean what I am saying and that I want to be taken seriously. And it is something that I would say without even thinking about it.

So I've finally found safewords that work for me. And I know they do because I actually used them a couple of times. These are the words that let me communicate what I want to communicate without having to get out of the headspace in order to do that. And I really love them.

I love the fact that I found something that works for me and makes me feel safer because I know that I will actually use it. And that I do not feel anymore like I need to sacrifice the quality of the scene in order to make it safe (which I sometimes might be reluctant to do, I know, that is not smart, but I know myself longer than today and it does happen).

I am not saying that well-known ‘red, orange, green’ or any other words are worse than what I listed above. Anything that works is just perfect. I know that for me they didn't work and that is why I am sharing what I've found to be working. Maybe it will help someone, who is struggling with the same issues as I did. Or at least I can use it as another must-read material for people who would like to play with me in the future.

My kinky play rule book

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my approach to kinky play and risks related to it. And out of all that thinking I decided that it will be good to put my thoughts on paper, both to make them more concrete, but also out of laziness. Now I can just make people read it before we go into any discussions about kink, play, consent etc.

I take the responsibility

Sex is a risky business. Kinky play especially. When I engage in it with another person (or people) I assume that we are all aware of the risks that we are taking and that we are equally responsible for managing them. That means that I am responsible for making sure that my partner is not getting hurt but also for taking care of myself and I expect the same of my partner. I want my tops to feel safe to hurt me. Even though it is the dominant who decides how the scene evolves, I definitely don’t feel like I have no influence over it. First of all, it is my choice how I respond to his/her actions. Through non-verbal (preferred way for me during play) communication I can channel the effects that their actions have on me. Plus I always have the right to stop them. I find it empowering and psychologically healthy to think this way. As this and many other research works suggest, feeling in control over what is happening in one’s life (including sexual life) is a key to one’s mental health. It might not sound very 'subby'. But for me taking the responsibility does not mean that I stay in control of the situation. Sometimes I do want to feel like I have lost all control and all the power is in hands of the dominant. I realize, though, that the result of this dynamic might be that we go too far and I get hurt and I am ready to deal with the consequences.

I take equal share in risk and reward

There is this theory in the economy saying that there is ‘no free lunch’, meaning that there is no return without a risk. And the higher the return, the higher the risk. Implicitly then, if we make the tops run more risk (in terms of the responsibility for hurting the other person), we also imply that they are more rewarded than the bottoms are. This creates a power imbalance that I don’t find fair. I don’t feel like a top gains more from hurting or using me than I get from being hurt and used by him. We want opposite but complimentary things that give us both pleasure. Even though I am offering myself to the other person, it is not a sacrifice. It is fulfilling my own deep need to serve and please. Recognizing and acknowledging it brings balance to the equation. We both get our kinky needs fulfilled by playing a risky game of hurting/getting hurt. And since it is risky, it might sometimes turn out not the way we wanted. I appreciate the risk that the top is taking by making me suffer. The same way as they appreciate the risk that I am taking by going through the suffering.

I play with people who listen

I chose carefully the people who I play with. That does not necessarily mean that I get to know them very well before I engage into something sensual with them. In the end I like the thrill of getting to know a person spontaneously through play. But I do try to assess if I trust that they are going to listen when I communicate that something needs to stop. Are they empathetic and open? Or self-centered and biased? The latter is a no-go, no matter how popular or skilled they are. I trust my intuition about people. And if I have doubts, I wait to get to know them better before going further. I am especially careful when I play with people who are in a way famous. In a small and relatively closed community like kink (and especially rope) community, the popular people are quite accessible for play. Because of the sort of power that they seem to have, it might be harder to say 'no' to them. I try to be aware of that and pay close attention to my intentions. Am I really interested in them as people or just in their skills? For experienced people it might be easier to put you in a certain 'high' state when it is hard to make rational decisions. So basically I run more risk of being manipulated for a higher reward of going through amazing emotions. I am ready to take it but try to be aware of the risks involved and also my own motivations. I do realize that I might miscalculate sometime how well intended someone is, especially with someone that I don’t know that well. It is the risk that I am ready to take in return for the excitement of intense play with a new person. If I do it though, I try to limit myself to the people who belong to one of my circles.

I treat bad experiences as learning points, not breaking points

For a while already I had a view on female sexuality that this article helped me put into words. It might sound harsh, but I think that women tend to be oversensitive about their sexual experiences. We are taught that we should be careful and guard our sexuality from predators lurking everywhere. We should spare ourselves and only get intimate with men who really ‘deserve’ it. I think that it is bullshit. I don’t think my sexuality is in any way more sacred and special than male sexuality. I love sex and I love exploring all its different facets. It takes a lot of trial and error, though, to find out what really gets you. Especially in kink. And that inevitably involves a lot of awkward and uncomfortable moments. Accidents happen when you get intimate with other people. In the heat of the moment someone might kiss you unexpectedly or touch you in a place where you didn’t want to be touched. As long as you communicate clearly that you want them to stop and they do that, I think that it is ok. I try to not get too upset when something goes wrong. Sure, I might have gotten uncomfortable, but it is ok to get uncomfortable from time to time. I try to analyse it and see where it went wrong. Was there something that I might have done better? Was I aware of and communicating my emotions? And do I want to try it again? Sometimes things don’t work because it wasn’t the right person/situation/mindset. And sometimes they are just not for me. It is good to distinguish between those.

I guess that some people would call my approach to kink RACK or PRICK. I do not really care that much about labels. I know that so far it worked for me and made me feel safe and in control.