Losing a dominant

Apparently all good things must come to an end, and sometimes the end comes sooner and more unexpected than one would want. It is a tough lesson to learn, but it makes me appreciate even more the short moments of joy that I experience in my life sometimes. Being his property was definitely one of those moments.

It is the first time that I lose this kind of dynamic with someone without it being exhausted. I ended relationships with dominant people in the past but it was always in the moment when the power exchange was already fading or even gone. This time it was still very much alive, actually, it was only starting to gain momentum. And losing it so abruptly feels like there is a void in me that needs closing off because it sucks up the pleasure that I used to have from play.

Suddenly I have to go back to thinking about what do I actually want. Suddenly my sexuality is again mine alone. It's confronting and confusing. I can again have sex with whoever I want (including myself) and whenever I want. But the thing is… It's not necessarily what I want… Not belonging to someone, not having to ask for permission to do sexual things takes a lot of flavors away from them.

It's not like I don't enjoy play anymore. I do. But… Everything just feels different. After I've tasted how it feels to be truly someone's, it is hard to look at the things that you used to do the same way. One thing is to enjoy being messed up by somebody, another is to enjoy being messed up by somebody knowing that you can only experience it because your dominant lets you.

When he was my owner, he had always been in the back of my head when I was doing sexual things, even when, physically, he was far away. It is like the triangle in a rope scene. There is you, there is your partner and there is the audience. Even though you are having a scene with your partner, you are still influenced by the presence of the audience. In my head, he was the audience.

Here is the thing that I've learned about myself being part of this dynamic. There is nothing that lures me more than being somebody's property. But not in the sense that they dictate my life and I'm dependent on them. That kind of ownership does not interest me. There is nothing that I enjoy more than shaping my life the way that I want it to be. And there is nothing that I hate more than other people telling me what to do.

But sexually... That's an entirely different story. Sexually all I want is to hear what I am supposed to do. Sexually all I want is to lose my agency. To become a vessel of somebody else’s desires. To share with them my wishes and then have them entirely disregarded, because they simply aren’t what the other person feels like doing.

This kind of devotion does not develop overnight. And not with anybody. Giving myself fully to someone is what I crave for, but it is also something that I must feel that the other person deserves. I must feel that they understand what is happening between us and what I am giving to them. Not many people do. And not many people even want this kind of devotion.

And that is ok. I will park this part of me for now. I will let it wait in hiding for a suitable person to be brought back to life. I will let the storm that was awakened in me to calm down to a soft breeze. I will enjoy all the other dynamics that I have with the rest of my partners. I will focus on other aspects of my life.

But, now that I’ve tasted it, I will never forget that taste. Sooner or later I will start to look for it again. I’ve been served a bitter-sweet poison for which there is no antidote. It runs in my veins now. And I know that when the time comes, it will overpower me again.